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Allo! Well we all have to admit that the last few Xena eps have been forgettable at best, non? Since the sublime nirvana that was "One Against an Army" it's been a veritable shit hole! I mean, Forgiven, uh, what else (see! I cant even remember them!) When in Rome, Forget me Not, and of course the absolute horror that was "King Con" an ep I have subsequently TAPED OVER cause I hated it so much! Don't even get me started on that! ANYWAYS!! Onto happier things n'est pas?! We'll just have to see where this little diddly takes us here! And btw, thanks to all who "e-me"ed with their responses to "Did he made the Lamb make Thee?" It gave this long suffering bard confidence again! Okay enough prattering, on with the show!
* My meeting with Anne Rice on the 27th of March will not be harmed in the production of this fanfic * I know it doesn't make sense but who gives a shit!! I'm gonna met Anne "Friggin'" Rice baby!! *
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In what furnace was thy brain? Revenge for every ep post- OAAA
By Cheaza
"Xena, I gotta ask you sumpin'."
Xena flinched inwardly; she had always hated hearing those words coming from her bard. Usually cause they ended up either a) fighting cause Xena refused to answer any personal questions or b) balling their eyes out cause Xena actually admitted things to the wee blonde. Her grimace wasn't missed by the bard.
"Oh calm down, you big baby, I ain't gonna ask you about Lao Ma and you again. . .unless you're up to telling me the exact nature of your relationsh-"
"Not a chance Gabrielle"
"Hmmm," Gabrielle's mouth twisted up in thought, along with a perfectly shaped eyebrow arching. "'Deny everything' Xena? Wrong show, wrong network, wrong-"
"Oh for Hades' sake, Gabby, just ask me the damned question!"
"Alright, don't go all 'warlordy' on me!" The bard walked a few steps, organizing her thoughts, her pretty bottom lip sucked in to her mouth in thought. Xena's eyes strayed over and caught this arousing little move and nearly grabbed the bard right there.
"Love, you know what you're driving me crazy" she said in a low, very un-warrior like voice in Gabrielle's ear, causing a slow seductive smile to spread across the bard's face.
"Lip-chewing again, am I?" she asked with feigned innocence.
"That'd be it"
The strawberry blonde looked around, up and down the deserted path, then grabbed the warrior, sweeping her down for a full kiss, then scampering away afterwards. Xena cursed with a smile as she watched her love run away from her, her hips swaying under the incredibly sexy little Amazon mini.
"Did I ever tell the Amazons how much I love their clothing styles?" she said as she approached the bard from behind, pinching her rear. "Especially this lovely new top of yours. Accents your two more positive features, my love."
Gabrielle squealed at being pinched and smacked Xena's arm with playful anger. She turned and faced the warrior, her hands on her hips, and looked down at her chest.
"Two positive features huh?" she smiled slyly, "you horny little dyke!"
"Hey! I told you not to call me that! Remember that we're on national TV here, Renee- er, I mean, Gabby! Ix-nay on the yke-day!"
"Hey can I help it that you're a breast-woman? And that I happen to feed your little fetish?!"
"Oh, you more than feed it love," Xena came up to her and wrapped her arms around the girls bared waist.
"Besides, Xena, this isn't national TV, this is just a fanfic written by a lonely lesbian with nothing better to do on a Friday night than write a lame story about us while listening to Queen!"
"What the hell's 'Queen'?"
"Boy, you really aren't into the whole gay scene there are ya?"
"This is ancient Greece, sweetcheeks! The only gay scene around here is the isle of Lesbos. . ."
"Exactly! What the hell is with us not ever going there! I bet they have the best selection of Birkenstocks in the whole known world! Barring the lovely country of New Zealand of course!"
"Of course!" Lucy winked at Renee, oh shit, I mean, Gabrielle, then looked at her seriously. "We can't go to the isle of Lesbos, apple-dumplin' cause me and Sappho had a thing a while ago and it didn't really end on a good foot. Besides, Cheaza here's homo-phob parents will be home soon and she has to have this story done by then. No time! Sorry lover!"
"Oh fuck Cheaza! We'll be playing in her mind all night anyways. So you and Sappho, huh? The whole 'lesbian ex-lovers are forever'. I understand." With that Gabrielle turned and started to walk down the road again, swinging her little stick as she did. *HEY! Fuck you it ain't no little stick bee-atch! Okay okay sorry Gabs, don't get all pissed off at me! AHEM!* . . .swinging her mighty Amazonia staff as she walked! *That's better!*
"What do you mean, 'I understand'?" Xena ran after to catch up, dragging Argo behind her. "How could you understand? I was you're first, wasn't-wasn't I?"
"Oh ya, sure Xena, whatever." Gabrielle said distractedly.
"What do you mean!! I was the first!! Oh come on!!"
"Oh you were Xena, but that doesn't mean you were the only one."
"WHAT!?"
"Well, I suppose technically you are but well, you kinda ain't."
"WHAT?!"
"Will you stop?!" She turned and smiled sheepishly. "Remember when you were, like, switched with Callisto into each other's bodies? You know, not 'Ten Little Warlords' but 'Intimate Strangers'? Wow that's a harsh sexual name 'Intimate Strangers' kinda describes what happened to a tee. . ."
"For Chrissakes! Oh no wait- he's not born yet. I mean for Hades' sake, will you stop prattling on like an opening to a Cheaza fanfic and get on with it!"
"Alright I will, calm yourself! Geez, uptight, underdressed warrior!" Gabrielle went on to mutter a few other obscenities under her breath then smiled up at her lover again. "Well love, I thought that it was you, right? And you and I were well, doing it, back then and so when you, well when Callisto who I thought was you, asked if I'd like to stop and have a little lovin' session, who was I to say no?"
"By the Gods, you did it with Callisto?!"
"Yeah, and let me tell you, you, I mean, she, was vicious! Talk about S&M! I mean I felt like I was stepping off the pages of an Anne Rice novel! And I never thought your sword hilt would fit up there, but I'll be damned it did! Guess I was looser than I thought!"
"WHAT!?" *Why the hell am all I saying is "WHAT?!" kinda repetitive here dear. Listen Xena, baby, I'm a Gabs-girl and I always give her the better dialogue. Sorry that's just the way the shit hits the fan. Now hush up you leather clad hunk of a mortal goddess. . .*
"Oh don't worry I would never like leave you for her, but I would you know, like a threesome if you wanted. . ." Gabrielle smiled slyly and watched as realization dawned on the warrior's face. Like watching a moron finally grasping a concept sometimes. . . she thought.
"Okay, so you know about Callisto and mine's little history together, even though it doesn't fit in with the 'Callisto' episode. It doesn't bother you?"
"Why should it? My history with her doesn't bother you, does it?" Gabrielle winked.
"You know, Hudson needs to come back sometime or another, and what a better way than a redeemed Callisto looking for love. . ."
"With us?"
"Sure! Of course, it'd be in fanfic, and only if the ex-Christian here gets balls enough to do something so sinful as write such a thing, even though she thinks about it all the time." *HEY! Tell the whole world, will ya! *
"I suppose" Gabrielle squinted at the corner of the screen. "Well 4 pages and still no foreseeable plot, not to mention she's totally forgotten about the original opening question."
"No, she didn't, just give it a bit"
Gabrielle looked at the warrior puzzled, as Xena thumped her head and she understood.
"Kinda like a Vulcan mind-meld, eh?"
"Oh please, Gabs, no Star Trek mentions! I don't think she has the strength tonite to write in Seven of Nine."
"What did you say, 6 of 9? " Gabrielle smiled brightly at her warrior then took her hand. Xena grinned broadly back.
"So what were you gonna ask me?" *Oh shit not Janet Jackson's "Again" turn it off!! Too many Grade Ten memories! *
"I was gonna ask you why all our recent eps have been so shitty. I mean even Bitter Suite was lacking."
"That's THE Bitter Suite, Gabs."
"Oh yeah, yeah, sorry just going on what Julie Moran said on ET all that while ago. Boy it looked way different then than it really was."
"What did, Julie Moran?"
"No, THE Bitter Suite. It looked, like, good then" *Eck, my ex-flame's mom just called! Talk about Grade 10 memories! Back when I thought I was straight! **shiver of disgust**Anyhoo. . .*
"It was good!! You're just pissed cause it was a big Lucy. . .I mean a big Xena showcase! And cause the chick who did your singing voice sounded like she had a raisin stuck in her nasal passages."
"To put it mildly."
"But One Against an Army was good, love."
*Assumes Ares' voice and mannerisms and quotes him from the bonding scene in 'The Quill is Mightier'* "Oh it was brilliant!"
"Nothing like some heart string jerking dialogue btwn you and me to get the fans all misted up. Not to mention the little romantic here, clutching her chest like a housewife all the way through the "Take me with you" scene."
"No doubt! But you got to admit, that was a beautiful little moment. Come on you were crying."
"I was just upset cause I knew they cut the best part of that scene out."
"Oh you mean all that stuff we did afterwards?"
"I know you can't forget about it Renee!" Lucy winked at her, watching Renee squirm.
"Besides all that just ended up on the cutting room floor along with all those scenes from THE Bitter Suite of Hudson and I getting a little too friendly" Oh mom and dad home gotta split!
Xena tensed up suddenly, like sensing a danger near. Gabrielle immediately looks around concerned.
"What is it Xena? A warlord? An army? An angry god? Joxer?"
"Worse than all those put together. . ." Xena said through gritted teeth. "Cheaza's homophobic father!"
"Not the one who owns the computer she's on right now!"
"Yeah that'd be the one." Xena looked around in disgust. "Seems during her absence he informed her of a few things."
"Let me guess, they were of a homophobic nature."
"To say the least."
"I hate when this happens! That man dangles the laptop in front of her like a carrot to a hungry animal, just out of her reach. What did he say?"
"And I quote here! 'No more writing that fanfic crap on my laptop! I've read some of it and it's disgusting.'"
"Wait a sec, didn't he say the exact same thing when he saw you and I in the bath together in 'Day in the Life'?"
"Word for word!"
"And this reading fanfic, when did that happen?"
"When he stole the last laptop from her, after he found out she was sneaking on line to do- what else?
Together: "Download fanfic"
"Boy he really doesn't understand, does he?"
"No, chica, he doesn't." I decide to break in.
"Oh hey, what's up Cheaza?"
"Oh, nothing. . .my homosexuality, my dignity, my right to express my sexuality, the usual. Hey, anyone up for rooting through my dad's desk drawers for the 'How to heal your daughter of homosexuality through the love of Jesus'? He actually has it here to my right."
"In the words of Robin Williams-'God Dad, you're fucked.'" Gabby joked.
"No DOUBT!"
"No doubt? Oh god I hate that group! I wanna tool on Gwen Stefani's track suit wearing little ass so bad. . ." Xena started to pummel a nearby tree.
"Hey! Lucy! I wear track suits!" Renee pouted.
"Don't remind me!" I sigh. "God next you'll be telling me all about your wedding. . . Jesus, isn't ANYONE gay out there?"
"Dwayne is, and so is Carlton."
"Hello, Gabs, these are MEN! I am, I swear the only woman under the age of 20 who actually wears lipstick and is gay at the same time."
Gabs coughs out "stereotyping" under her breath.
"Oh hush!" I say "I'm in a bad mood, fuck my dad and his homophobia. I wish I could remember what fanfic he read. And what gave him the right to read it in the first place? Asshole! I mean that was my private stuff and he pawed through it! I felt so violated that night too, I can't even have peace in my own god damned room! And I don't dare confront him, not unless I want the computer to do even my book reports for school. . ."
"Well you only have one report left. . ." Gabs offered.
"And you said you didn't want to do it anyways. . ." Xena reminded.
"And you can print out anything you need at Aaron's . . ."
"And you have lots of fanfic printed out already. . ."
"And you have girl power!"
"Not enough if he tries to wail on my ass!" I interjected.
"If he does that, then you go live with Andrea!" Gabs said.
"Yeah she's got a kick ass computer. . ."
"Ladies?"
"Yes?"
"This isn't gonna make sense to people anymore. I think this has become what you could call a personal rant."
"Good point."
"Better wrap it up."
"8 pages is as good as anything."
"Kay."
"Bye chicas!" I wave good bye. "See you in Fish Schticks and those Autocylus eps. I hope they're better than they have been."
"Don't hold your breath." Xena sighs and she and Gabs turn to the Auckland sunset.
KAY THANKS BYE!
Well this may be my last fanfic for awhile, considering my father's homophob threat. *sigh* I'm mass discouraged folks. . .I need some fellow Xenite support like never before. . . anyone wanna give me a computer? ;ol Love to Hudson!!!!!! Send your responses to aeslehcnametab@hotmail.com