Hey angel,

A PERFECT WORLD.

R. D. Wylder

Disclaimer: These characters belong to me and are products of my imagination. Any resemblance to any person(s), living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Language & Violence: Swearing in some places and minor violence.

Sexual Content: This story depicts a loving relationship between two women. If this is illegal where you live or you are underage then please do not continue.

Thanks: To the woman that I loved more than anything…and love still.

Feedback: Feedback or constructive criticisms are always welcome. Feel free to e-mail me at rdwylder@yahoo.com. Thanks for taking the time to read this and be sure to check out more stories at my website.

Author’s Note: You might notice that, while most of the following story was written in the past tense, Cassidy’s POV was done strictly in the present tense. Yes, this was done intentionally and was not an oversight on my part.

Beth

My angel,

There is so much that I want to say to you right now. I had this whole thing planned out in my head but somehow the words are escaping me. They usually do. I wish I could tell you that I don’t love you anymore; that I’ll be fine without you. I know I told you that before, but you must have realized that I lied angel. I will never be fine without you. I will never be fine with looking at you be with someone else. I know why you had to do it. He can give you the respectability and the acceptance that you need from the world. He can give you all the things that I never could. All that I could have given you was my love; my heart; my every waking moment. I know now that wasn’t enough for you.

In a perfect world, you’d be with me. A part of me wants to hate you for taking the coward’s way out. Did you think that it was easy for me? Did you think I had nothing to lose by being with you? You’ve forgotten, haven’t you? I would have given up everything to make you happy. And now you want me to wait? You want me to be here just in case you come to your senses and decide that love is worth fighting for? I’m tired of fighting angel. I’m tired of giving you time and space. I’m tired of smelling HIM on you when you come home. I’m tired of seeing his marks on your body. I am driving myself crazy imagining how they got there. I am tired of living with this pain.

You say that you don’t want to hurt me, yet you hurt me more and more each day. The knife through my heart twists a little more every time I hear you say that you love him. I feel my soul shatter with every broken promise. And yet I still kept hoping…but I can’t anymore. I know where you were last night. I know what you were doing while I stayed by the phone waiting for it to ring. I guess you forgot that promise too.

It’s too much. You have gone and you have taken my world; my everything, with you. I have nothing left, not even the will to live. I have nothing to live for. I never realized that my love made you feel so empty, and for that I apologize. It’s over for me…for us. I can’t stay here any longer. I guess this is goodbye my darling. I hope that you find whatever it is that you’re looking for; whatever it is that I couldn’t give you. All I ever wanted was to make you happy. Think of me fondly sometime and know that I have never…that I will never stop loving you.

Forever,

Cassidy.

~~~~~~~~~~

I lost count of how many times I had taken out that cursed note. It was almost an addiction. Maybe if I read it enough times, the pain would come and carry me away from this terrible reality. Now, it lay crumpled and tear-stained on the chair next to me. How I longed to tear it up; to throw the pieces on the ground and stamp them out of existence. Had my love cried like this for me? In my heart I know that she did, although pride always kept her from revealing the worst of her pain. I reached for it again, smoothed out its many creases as best as I could and tried to make some sense of the words. Had I really been that blind? Evidently, I had. I had known that what I was doing was hurting Cassidy. Was it wishful thinking that kept me from seeing how much, or was I just too wrapped up in myself to see what was happening right in front of me? Had I really managed to convince myself that this was for the best?

“Beth?”

I jumped a little and turned to face the woman who had taken the seat next to me, even though I didn’t need to see her to know who it was. The waiting area was remarkably deserted, which in itself was either a miracle or some sort of macabre coincidence. There always seemed to be just one family at a time waiting to see whether their loved one would make it through the night, as if misery had an interest in taking turns. I guess it was my turn tonight and I’m all alone, save for my one companion.

Wavy black hair surrounded a face that housed the most piercing grey eyes. I had seen a gamut of emotions in those eyes over the years; emotions that could change them from the color or storm clouds to a rich blue-grey, and then back again. All I saw in them tonight was grief. Anna, or rather Dr. Adrianna Lazell, was Cassidy’s best friend. It was Anna who had found the note and it was Anna, not me, who had saved Cassidy’s life and brought her here. I was never as glad as I am now that Cassidy had managed to have someone as close to her as Anna was. My darling did not let people in easily. She should have never let me in.

“Hey, Anna.”

“How are you holding up, kiddo?” It was a running joke between us. Anna always called me ‘kiddo’, even though she had just turned thirty, but didn’t look a day older than my twenty-five. Well, she used to call me that anyway. She hasn’t really called me anything in the past few months, although I’m pretty sure she started referring to me as ‘the bitch’ in her mind; not that I haven’t deserved it. Seeing the concern in eyes that had recently only held contempt was almost my undoing.

“Okay, I guess…I’m not sure. This all seems unreal, you know? Cassidy was always the strongest person I know.” I wasn’t lying…not really. It was just easy for me to forget that Cassidy was much more fragile than most people realized. She just hid it better.

Anna leaned in closer and wrapped an arm around me, trying to give the comfort she knew I needed. There was a time that I thought Anna’s scent was intoxicating. Now, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I may have needed it, but I did not want her to try to console me. I wanted her anger; her repulsion. I wanted my sins to be washed away in the face of her hatred. Cassidy was right when she said that she knew where I was and what I was doing. I was doing the same thing when I got the call. Steven understood that I needed to go, but he thinks that Cassidy is just my best friend; my room-mate; my confidante…everything except my lover. He had wanted to drive me to the hospital but I knew that I couldn’t let him risk that. Maybe I was still being selfish and I wanted my secrets kept, but I prefer to think that I genuinely cared for him and didn’t want to see him hurt. I don’t mean emotionally; he was a good man and eventually he’d understand…maybe. But Anna has been known to have an explosive temper and I doubt very much that even Jesse would have been able to hold back Sierra, who did not know what was going on and was undoubtedly scaring a large number of unsuspecting people on the highway in her attempts to get here.

I wished so much that he could be here. I longed for his shoulder to cry on even as I prayed to have one more chance to tell Cassidy that I love her. I hate myself for this. Even in the midst of all this self-loathing and guilt, I still could say for certain what I wanted.

“Don’t give up on her yet Beth. She’s still in there somewhere and she’s going to need you when she finds her way back.”

“Isn’t that why we’re in this fucking hospital Anna, because I gave up on Cassie?”

I could not read the emotions that flitted across Anna’s face. I saw her pity and a slight spark of understanding. I saw the anger that I knew she was trying so hard to control replaced by a false warmth, but there was something else there; something else swimming below the surface that I could not put my finger on. Then it dawned on me. Love. Anna was in love with Cassidy. I wondered how it was that I had not seen it before, but I should have known better. Anna is the only person I know who could rival Cassidy at hiding their feelings. For a brief moment, I felt the first stirrings of jealousy but I firmly clamped down on it. I had no right to that anymore. It made sense, in a way; Anna and Cassidy made a much better match than we ever were. But I know them. They would have never acted on their feelings, even if they were mutual. I found myself wondering if they were.

“Regardless of what you think, I’m not here to pass judgment on you Beth. I don’t agree with you did and what you’ve been doing, but this is neither the time nor the place to get into that. The point is, there is a woman in there who would rather die than be without you and right now we still don’t have any guarantee that she’s going to make it. But if…when she does, are you going to be there for her or are you just going to get her hopes up and walk away?”

“I don’t know if I can walk away again Anna. I don’t want to hurt her any more but I don’t think I can be a part of the life that she needs.” I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. “I don’t know if she can be a part of the life that I need.”

“You need to make that decision Beth. You can’t have it both ways. Not knowing whether you were going to walk out or you were going to stay was hurting her more than anything else.”

“I know I need to make things right Anna. I just don’t know how.”

I buried my head in Anna’s shoulder and finally let it out. I had been trying to be strong; anything to keep the guilt away, but guilt was so much a part of me now. I should have been stronger. I should have seen what was there in front of me all the time. I hadn’t, and now Cassidy was bearing the brunt of my indecisions. Suddenly, there was a loud noise and my heart jumped into my throat.

“What the fuck is going on?!”

. I had been so lost in thought that I almost hadn’t heard the angry thud of a broad shoulder making contact with the double doors, or the menacing footsteps heading straight towards me. The lone nurse stationed at the small desk right outside looked up and then hastily looked away relieved that, for once, the rage wasn’t directed at her. I, unfortunately, felt no such relief for the 5’10” vision of fury standing in front of me was Sierra, Cassidy’s very protective, and very pissed off, sister.

Sierra, at thirty-two, was six years older than Cassidy, four inches taller and outweighed her by at least pounds. For all intents and purposes, she looked like the stereotypical tattooed butch. It wasn’t something that she actively aspired to…it was just her. She was fully capable of lifting me off the floor and pitching me out of the doorway. I had no doubt that would be my fate before the night was over.

Anna had managed to make her way to the other side of the room for, while she felt sorry for me at the moment, I was sure she had no intentions of intervening on my behalf should things get a bit ugly. I couldn’t say that I blamed her. I would have probably done the same in her position…no, I would have been cheering for a fight. I could only hope that Sierra’s partner wasn’t too far behind or I might be in need of a hospital room myself. Calm, rational explanations just didn’t work with Sierra so I meekly handed her the crumpled note and waited for the explosion. She took it with a suspicious glance but didn’t say a word.

“What is this, Beth?”

“Just read it. It’ll explain everything you need to know.”

Anna had waited until Cassidy came out of surgery to call Sierra. I knew that she had told her that there had been a minor accident and that Cassidy had been hospitalized. I think she was trying to spare her from the full brunt of what had happened. It scared me greatly to think of what Sierra would do if Cassie didn’t make it. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Anna leave. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed that she was either going for help or to check if Cassidy was awake, and not merely abandoning me to my fate. I could do nothing but wait as Sierra read the note. I wanted to atone for my sins but I didn’t want to die. As expected, I found myself wrenched out of my chair and lifted a few inches off the floor.

“I thought she was in an accident. Tell me this doesn’t mean what I think it means Beth. Tell me that you’re not running around on Cassidy and she didn’t try to kill herself tonight.” Sierra’s words came out in a low growl and sounded more like an order than a request for information.

“I wish I could, but I can’t.”

“How the fuck could you do that to her?! Have you lost your mind? You mean everything to her. Hell, she even stood up to me to be with you and you betray her like this? I ought to rip…” My head cracked painfully against the wall. I closed my eyes against the blow I was sure would follow…and then I felt myself being let down.

“Baby, this isn’t the time. Calm down and let her go. Beth, how is Cassie?”

I knew that I could derive some small comfort from the fact that Jesse chose to walk in at that exact moment. Undoubtedly, Sierra had simply pulled up in front of the hospital and rushed out of the car, leaving poor Jesse to find a parking space. They had been together for a little over three years now, almost as long as I had been with Cassidy, and Jesse was the only one who could calm Sierra’s notoriously bad temper. Cassidy always joked that her sister went from a tiger to a teddy bear with one touch of Jesse’s hand. Obviously, it was true. I liked Jesse a lot, and not just for the obvious reasons. She was a small woman, and certainly she was dwarfed by Sierra, but there was an aura of calm determination around her that made people stand up and take notice. Somehow she had managed to get her lover into a chair and was now waiting for an answer.

“I’m afraid she isn’t doing so well.”

“Just take your time and tell us what happened, Beth.”

“I…um…I don’t really know.” I hung my head in shame. It was my duty to know.

“Beth, I don’t understand.” Jesse placed a restraining hand on her partner’s thigh and her confused eyes flickered from mine to hers. I knew that Sierra’s fuse was in danger of being lit again as she just held her hand out. Jesse took the note.

“How long, Beth? How long have you been screwing around on my sister?”

I couldn’t lie. “A few months now. I know it’s not an excuse but we had been having a lot of problems. I guess our differences just crept up on us and starting pulling us apart. On top of that, some people from the office had started asking questions about us and I…I panicked. It’s stupid, I know, but I didn’t want anyone to find that she was my lover, not just my friend or my room-mate. And then Steven asked me out and I wanted to say no, but a part of me wanted to say yes. I wanted to know what it was like to be out with someone and not feel like everyone’s eyes are on you.”

“Steven…from the office?” Sierra was livid.

“Yes.”

“I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I care about Steven, I really do, and I can have the life that everyone wants me to have with him. I love Cassidy and, in a perfect world, I would be with her in an instant but with her I can’t have all the things I always saw myself having. I just don’t know how to be a part of her life without sacrificing my friends and my family. They would never accept our relationship, and I’m not sure that I’m ready to give up everything.”

“She’d do it for you.”

“I know.”

There really wasn’t anything else to say. Sierra was right. Cassidy would give up everything that she had in this world to be with me. There had been terrible fights between her and her sister over me. Sierra hadn’t seen the wisdom in getting involved with a straight girl but Cassidy had put her foot down and that had almost cost them their relationship. Just look at us now. It would have been for nothing. I knew that I didn’t deserve that kind of love.

“Beth? She’s awake. She’s asking for you.”

Beth could have sworn that her heart stopped when she heard Anna’s voice.

“How is she, Anna? Tell me the truth.” I didn’t need to hear her words to know that it was bad. I could see it on her face. Her eyes were red and I was certain that this was not her first stop after leaving Cassie’s room. I could tell that Sierra too was afraid to hear what Anna had to say. She and Cassidy hadn’t seen eye to eye on a lot of issues but those disagreements could never break the bond between sisters. As if sensing her lover’s unspoken distress, Jesse quietly took her hand between both of hers.

“She’s…um…she’s conscious but she’s still heavily sedated. She’s probably going to be in and out for a while. They want to keep her on a low dosage of painkillers and sedatives for a few days since she’s in a lot of pain. She went into the water pretty hard so she had some broken bones and…uh…internal injuries. Her right lung was punctured and they’re going to keep an eye on her to see if she has any trouble breathing… The surgeons have done the best they can and she should be alright but she’s going to need a lot of physical therapy to regain full use of her left leg. She had multiple fractures and they had to put some pins in. The good news is that there doesn’t seem to be any brain damage from being deprived of oxygen so long.”

Sierra looked like she would cry, and I wasn’t sure whether it was through relief that Cassie wasn’t going to die or pain as Anna listed her injuries; but that would ruin her tough-as-nails image so she held it back. Jesse looked at her partner and knew that she would be cradling her later. She was the only one in this world that Sierra would cry in front of. I, on the other hand, had no such reputation to protect so I promptly burst into tears. I made no effort to brush them away and I felt Jesse’s comforting hand on the small of my back.

“Beth, I think you should go see her now…but not for long. She needs to rest.

“I don’t think….” Sierra piped up but Jesse would have none of it.

“Sierra, hush. We’re all worried…and relieved, but Beth needs to go in now, okay? Let her do this, for both their sakes.”

I knew they were watching me make my way down the corridor, veering a little but brushing off offers of help. This was something that I needed to do alone. I looked back once and saw Sierra turn to face her lover. I could tell that Jesse was a little bit afraid of the intensity in her eyes. I didn’t need to hear it to know what she said, but a harsh whisper caressed my ears nonetheless.

“If she ever does anything to hurt Cassie like that again, I’m going to fucking kill her.”

I knew it wasn’t just a threat. It was a promise.

~~~~~~~~~~

I stood hesitantly at the door of room 114, my hand unmoving on the knob. I had gotten my fair share of strange looks from the few hospital attendants who had passed by. I knew that I had to go in, but I felt so sick to my stomach that I feared I would pass out. This wasn’t the time for doubts, though. That had cost us too much time already. I gathered my courage and turned the doorknob. The room was a little dark but I could make out the solitary form on the bed.

“Cassidy?”

No response.

“Cassie, honey?”

“Hey.” The response was weak, and a little slurred, but it was music to my ears.

“I guess it’s a silly question but how are you feeling?”

“Like I almost died…but I guess that’s a fair representation.”

“Do you remember anything about what happened?”

“I remember everything Beth.” Her voice sounded so weak. I went to her and sat in the chair on the side of the bed. I took her hand in mine and reeled at the pain I saw in her eyes. A thin sheet covered her and I could see the bulge of the cast on her leg. My mind could not comprehend the reality that her bones were being held together by metal. Her breathing was shallow and I was reminded that at least one rib was broken.

“I’m so sorry baby. I never meant to do this to you.”

“I did this to myself Beth. I let the pain get the better of me.”

That was my Cassie, always trying to take the blame unto herself. I wasn’t going to let her do that this time. This was squarely my fault. Yes, she had made the ultimate decision to end her own life, but I had sown the seed, watered it and added fertilizer.

“No. I did this. Let me be the one to take responsibility for once. I decided that I wanted something else, but I wanted to keep what I had too. That was wrong of me. You deserve so much more than that.”

“But I want you.” She would have had tears in her eyes by now but the sedatives were kicking in again and I could tell that what she wanted most right now was to go to sleep. I would let her, but not before I could show her that she had something to live for. Her name was Anna and she was waiting outside. She would be my redemption.

“I know, but you deserve someone who wouldn’t even have to think about it. Their choice would already be made. You deserve someone who would always put your needs first, no matter what. I can’t give you the life you need, but you knew that already, didn’t you?”

She nodded and I could tell even that simple act caused her a great deal of pain.

“I don’t want to be alone.”

My heart broke for her. She sounded like a scared child.

She looked at me strangely when I mentioned Anna’s name and, through the agony and the fatigue, I saw what I had been looking for in her eyes. I knew what I was doing was right. Cassie would probably not want to see me for a while, but that was okay. I knew that she wouldn’t be able to heal if I was in her face all the time. I hoped and prayed that one day she would let me be a part of her life again; and when she did, I resolved to do whatever I could to get her and Anna together. They deserved each other. They needed each other.

We talked a little more and I’m afraid I wore her out. I looked over at Cassie and the steady rise and fall of her chest told me that she had fallen asleep. I gently rested her hand down, leaned over and stole one short, sweet kiss…our last kiss. I walked out of Cassidy’s life that night, not completely but as a lover. So what happened next? You’d like to know wouldn’t you? Undoubtedly, some of you are hoping that I walked out of the hospital and got hit by a bus. No such luck, but I guess it probably feels that same. Well, I went out and explained my decision to the others, got punched out by Sierra, treated by Anna, and comforted by Jesse. No one said that doing the right thing wouldn’t hurt.

~~~~~~~~~~

Five years have passed since the night that I almost lost Cassidy. I thank God each day that I didn’t. My son loves his aunt, even though he can’t actually say her name yet and I’m not about to tell you what he does say. Yes, I have a son…and a daughter. Steven is very proud of his children. He travels a lot now since he got that promotion. Sometimes I miss him like crazy but I have good friends to help me get through. I can’t say that he’s completely comfortable with my friendship with Cassie; just I can’t say that she has ever truly warmed up to him. They’ve called a truce though, a sort of silent acceptance of each other’s position in my life. The truth is, I don’t think I could do without either of them.

Jesse, Sierra and I conspired to get Anna and Cassidy together and it worked. Their four-year anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. They have never been happier and Anna is about to become a proud father. I can’t tell if she’s more scared or excited though. Probably a bit of both. I do know that she is hanging on to Cassidy’s every move and she’s going to smacked soon. Everyone is here now and I can take a good look at my extended, if dysfunctional family. In an extreme twist of fate, we all live within twenty minutes of each other.

The only evidence of Cassidy’s ‘accident’ is the slight limp that she retains, but she is radiant…and happy. I can’t help but feel a slight hint of jealousy and some part of my brain tells me that it should be my child that she is carrying, not Anna’s. Then, I look at my own children and I know that I would not have had them if things had worked out differently. I look at Cassidy and I know that she would not have been happy if she had stayed with me. I look at my life and I know that fate exerts her control for a reason. I have everything and everyone I need right here.

Sierra

Where should I start? I once read that the best place to start is the beginning. Yes, the big, tough butch can read. Want to know something else? I’m a graphic artist. Now isn’t that a manly profession? But back to what I was saying before. Words have never come easily to me. Don’t get me wrong; I am rarely at a loss for words but discussing my feelings? That’s another story. Well, I suppose I should take that advice and start at the beginning so here goes.

My name is Sierra Mackenzie and I am thirty-two years old. I have one sibling, my sister Cassidy who is six years my junior and the center of my world, besides my partner Jesse, of course. Our parents died nine years ago and I have had the pleasure, and sometimes task, of looking after Cassidy ever since. She is as stubborn as…well…me, and we have had many disagreements over the years, but through it all we have shared a bond that has been tested but never been broken. I guess that’s why I went into a near panic when Anna called.

Jesse and I had just finished dinner and she was looking forward to a night of romantic movies and good loving. True to form, I wanted to skip the movies. She refused to let my libido get the better of her plans yet again, so I was sulking in the kitchen when the phone rang. I answered since I didn’t want to bother Jesse, who was trying to figure out the DVD player because I was being childish and refused to show her how to use it (let’s see her put in those sappy movies now, hah).

“Hello?”

“Hello, Sierra?”

“Hey Anna. What’s up?” I had always liked the good doctor and had secretly hoped that she and Cassidy would hook up, but my sister seemed happy enough with Beth.

“Uh, Sierra, is Jesse there?”

“Yeah, she’s here. I can go get her if you want to talk to her. ”

“No…it’s just…”

“Spit it out, babe. Is something wrong?” I was definitely picking up on something now, and I didn’t like it. I had this sick feeling in my stomach and I had to keep myself from just slamming down the phone. I didn’t want to hear whatever it was that Anna had to say. Jesse had come into the room and was looking at me curiously so I mouthed that it was Anna on the phone.

“Sierra, hon…there’s been an accident. It’s Cassidy…she in the hospital.”

The room started to spin and I had to lean against the counter to keep upright. I wordlessly handed the phone to Jesse and slumped down in the nearest chair. So many thoughts were flying through my head that I missed the rest of the conversation and didn’t notice it had ended until Jesse kneeled before me and took my hand in hers.

“Babe? Baby, look at me.”

“W…what happened?” My throat was dry. I looked into emerald green eyes and was relieved to not find the fear, or grief, that I had been half expecting.

“She wouldn’t say. All I know is that there was some sort of accident. Cassie’s okay but we need to get to the hospital. She’ll give us more details when we get there.”

I barely remember getting dressed or getting into the car. I know that Jesse offered to drive but I waved her off. I needed to get to my baby sister. Some part of my brain kept telling me to calm down, that Anna would have told us if it was something more serious, but I couldn’t help it. I went into hysterics if Cassidy got a paper cut: so much for my badass image.

I do remember standing in the elevator, going up to the fourth floor where Anna said she’d be. I had just pulled up to the curb and jumped out, but I knew that Jesse would understand…and that she’d actually park the car. My heart felt like it wanted to burst its way out of my chest and I was so nervous that I almost screamed when the elevator stopped and the door opened. Oh well. I needed to do this. Just step up to the plate Sierra.

I shouldered my way through the double doors and then I saw them…Beth and Anna. Beth’s face was buried in Anna’s shoulder and I could tell that she was crying. Anna looked up at me, and her eyes told me all that I needed to know. Something was wrong, badly wrong, and I felt my anger coming up to the surface. This was no simple accident. Someone was going to tell me what was going on, if I had to beat it out of them.

“What the fuck is going on?!”

Beth looked up at me and I could see fear, and resignation, written all over her face. I could also make out Anna slinking away and I knew this was going to be bad. Anna only got out of the way when there was going to be a confrontation, not that she needed to. There was a crumpled piece of paper in Beth’s hand and she wordlessly passed it to me.

“What is this, Beth?”

“Just read it. It’ll explain everything you need to know.”

I read it…and read it…and read it. I couldn’t believe the words that were written there, or their implications. My sister had tried to kill herself? The light in my eyes had tried to end her own life because she felt she had nothing to live for? I looked at Beth and if ever I were to be capable of murder, it was at this moment.

“I wish I could, but I can’t.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. I lost my control…and my mind. This bitch had been fucking some guy behind my sister’s back. She was the reason Cassidy had been in so much pain. I knew that something had been bothering her. She hadn’t been herself lately, but Jesse had cautioned me to leave well enough alone. Cassidy would come to us when she was ready. I had listened. I hadn’t wanted to be the cause of yet another fight between us; not when things had been going so well. I should have forced the issue. Then I could have just killed Beth, and Cassidy would have moved on. I never make the same mistake twice. I lunged at Beth and slammed her into the wall.

“How the fuck could you do that to her?! Have you lost your mind? You mean everything to her. Hell, she even stood up to me to be with you and you betray her like this? I ought to rip…” I felt a hand on my shoulder and knew without looking that it was Jesse.

“Baby, this isn’t the time. Calm down and let her go. Beth, how is Cassie?”

With Jesse’s touch, I felt the anger draining out of me...not enough to stop wanting to kill Beth, but enough to make me put her down and allow myself to be led to a chair. I couldn’t afford to let the anger go…I would go crazy if I had to face my fear. My heart fell at the next words I heard.

“I’m afraid she isn’t doing so well.”

“Just take your time and tell us what happened, Beth.” My Jesse, always getting to the heart of the matter.

“I…um…I don’t really know.” Beth hung her head in shame. I got the feeling she knew what I was thinking…it was her duty to know.

“Beth, I don’t understand.”

I felt my anger working its way to the surface again. All I wanted to do was to hold Cassidy and take her pain away. I felt a restraining hand on my thigh and wondered, as I had so many times, what I could have done to deserve someone as understanding as Jesse. But even so, I had to ask the question that had been at the tip of my tongue since I read that note.

“How long, Beth? How long have you been screwing around on my sister?”

A few months now, she said, and I found myself desperately wishing this was some sort of bizarre nightmare. I listened to her explanations. I listened to her trying to justify what she had done, my hands clenching into fists. I listened to her tell me how hard it would have been to stay with Cassidy; how much everyone wanted different things for her; how much she would have had to give up. Cassidy was crazy about her. What about the secrecy she allowed herself to live in because Beth wasn’t ready to be open about their relationship? Did she really think that it was easier for Cassie just because our parents were dead?

“She’d do it for you.” I wanted to remind her that Cassie would have given up her life for her, but I couldn’t bring myself to say those words.

“I know.”

And she did know. I never had anything personal against Beth before, I just didn’t think it was a good idea for my sister to get involved with someone who had never thought about being in a relationship with a woman before. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust my sister’s judgment but I knew that she had been taken advantage of before and I vowed that I would never let it happen again. Cassie swore up and down that this was what she wanted and, after more arguments than I could count, I finally gave in. Now, I couldn’t help thinking that I should have fought harder, even though what was left of my rationale mind told me that I could have lost Cassidy had I done that. Still, maybe she would have been better off hating me than lying in this hospital bed.

“Beth? She’s awake. She’s asking for you.”

“How is she, Anna? Tell me the truth.”

I had been lost in my own thoughts and I hadn’t even noticed Anna coming back. I felt more than just butterflies in my stomach at the sight of her. My throat was so dry that it felt as though I had swallowed glass, and there was little comfort when Jesse took my hand. She would be just as devastated as I if anything happened to Cassidy.

“She’s…um…she’s conscious but she’s still heavily sedated. She’s probably going to be in and out for a while. They want to keep her on a low dosage of painkillers and sedatives for a few days since she’s in a lot of pain. She went into the water pretty hard so she had some broken bones and…uh…internal injuries. Her right lung was punctured and they’re going to keep an eye on her to see if she has any trouble breathing. The surgeons have done the best they can and she should be alright but she’s going to need a lot of physical therapy to regain full use of her left leg. She had multiple fractures and they had to put some pins in. The good news is that there doesn’t seem to be any brain damage from being deprived of oxygen so long.”

I was so relieved that I felt like I could cry but I wouldn’t let anyone see me like that, only Jesse. I barely felt Jesse leave my side to go to Beth, who was now in tears. I almost missed Anna telling Beth that she should go in. I didn’t want Cassidy to see her now…hell, I didn’t want Cassie to see her ever. I started to protest, but Jesse cut me off. She seemed to think that it was a good idea and I was too tired of feeling to argue. But something in me was stirring…anger…guilt…insanity…who knows?

“If she ever does anything to hurt Cassie like that again, I’m going to fucking kill her.”

It wasn’t just a threat…it was a promise and I could tell by the look in Jesse’s eyes that she believed me.

“Baby, I know that this is killing you inside, but you have to calm down…for Cassie’s sake. She needs us now…she needs you. What she doesn’t need is you throwing a tantrum when you get in there, okay?”

“This is my fault, Jesse. I’m her big sister. I’m supposed to be looking out for her. I’m supposed to keep things like this from happening. She was hurting enough to want to end her own life, and I didn’t even know. What if she had done it, Jess? What if she had been successful tonight? What if…” I couldn’t go on. My voice started to crack and I knew I was on the verge of breaking down…in public no less. I just let Jesse hold me and drew what comfort I could from her. We sat like that for a while with Jesse holding me and talking to Anna. I heard little bits and pieces of their conversation but I was too lost in my own thoughts to care. There were so many questions swimming around in my head, mostly for Anna, but I didn’t think either one of us could face the answers…not tonight.

After a while, we heard the door to Cassidy’s room open, and Beth emerged. Her eyes were brimming with tears, and I didn’t know whether that was a good sign or a bad one. Somehow, she looked more at peace than I had seen her all evening. She walked up to us slowly and I could tell that she had something to say. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to hear it.

“I’m leaving her.”

I looked at Jesse and I could see disbelief on her face, but it was tempered, almost as if a part of her had been expecting it. I looked at Anna and I saw the strangest mixture of hatred and hope in her eyes.

“You’re doing what?” I’m not even sure which of us asked the question.

“I have to…. I can’t keep hurting her. She deserves someone who can love her and be there for her always. I can’t be that person. I think I’ve already proven that.”

You selfish bitch! You just want to be free to fuck whichever guy is your flavor of the month. She loved you…she loves you still. She would die without you. And knowing all that…knowing that you have a chance, a second chance to make her happy…you’re going to walk away? You’re going to just leave her there to pick up the pieces? I couldn’t control myself anymore. I punched her out.

~~~~~~~~~~

There was a lot of healing to be done after that day…and a lot of forgiveness. But some good did come out of it. Cassidy and I have never been closer and, even though I would never admit it, I am looking forward to becoming an aunt, even if I can’t be a daddy just yet. I never thought that would happen…just as I never thought I would see my sister smile again. Anna’s love, with a little push from Jesse and I, seems to have worked miracles. Now we all live close by, even Beth, and while I still look at her warily sometimes, I know that Jesse is right when she says Cassidy would never have found happiness if Beth hadn’t left her all those years ago. So I have forgiven her, just as I know everyone else already has. We are at her house now and I find myself hanging back and looking around. I see Anna holding Cassidy’s hand and asking if she’s okay for the millionth time. I see Beth calling her son to her and telling him to leave Cassidy alone. I see my Jesse walking towards me. I look around and I know that I have everyone and everything I need right here…my family.

Jesse

My name is Jessica McNamara but you can call me Jesse; everyone else does. This is my story to tell. I suppose I could be more eloquent, certainly I have been accused of being overly-talkative on occasion, but I cannot bring myself to be excited by the events I am about to relate. It seems like a lifetime ago, but in reality only five years have passed since that dreaded phone-call. I remember that day in miniscule detail; the kind of memory that mocks you with its clarity. Let me tell you about it, but first I must tell you about my family at the time…my partner Sierra and her sister Cassidy.

I first met Sierra about nine years ago on a blind date. I know, blind dates are usually disastrous affairs and this was no different. I was twenty-four at the time and to say that we didn’t hit it off would have been a serious understatement. It wasn’t that I didn’t find her attractive…those tight denim jeans were definitely doing her justice that night. Unfortunately, I also found her to be rude, ill-tempered and ill-mannered…not a winning combination in my book. I honestly thought that the end of our date would have been the last time I saw her. I was secretly, or perhaps not so secretly, relieved, and spent the rest of the night plotting the demise of the ‘friend’ who had set us up. Imagine my surprise when I got a call from Sierra a few days later, practically begging for another chance. I have also been accused of being soft-hearted, so I gave in and figured that I could live through one more night of torture. Maybe she wouldn’t be too impressed with me either and that would be the end of that. I saw a different side to her on that second date, one that I was sure she hardly ever let anyone see. It was hidden under all the bravado, but it was there. She was caring, attentive, and a little shy but above all, I felt safe with her. We’ve been inseparable ever since and I could not imagine being with anyone but her. Later on, I would learn that her foul mood the first time we met was due to an argument with her sister.

Sierra adored Cassidy. I honestly think she would do almost anything for her. But they were just too damn similar to avoid locking horns, as it were. Both of them were as stubborn as mules and the cause of this latest rift was Cassie’s choice of a girlfriend…Beth. Sierra referred to her as the ‘straight girl’ because she had never been with a woman before and she was convinced that Beth would break Cassidy’s heart one day. I suspected that this was something she was no doubt well acquainted with, but I could never get much out of her on the topic. I did find out about Randy, Cassie’s ex, and her eye for the ladies. I guess it took her a while to get over that one. I know that Sierra just wanted to protect her but Cassidy swore up and down that she was in love and my darling, being the softie that she is, could deny her nothing. They seemed happy enough together and eventually moved in to this gorgeous little place near the beach but the spectre of Beth’s wanting to keep their relationship hidden always hung over them. Cassidy needed too much out of life to spend the rest of hers hiding in the closet. I was expecting something to happen one day; a harsh exchange of words; a wandering eye…but never this.

It was finally Friday night. My job at the University took up a lot of my energy and I didn’t get to spend as much time as I would have liked with my sweetheart during the week. Sierra and I were looking forward to spending an uninterrupted weekend together. In preparation, I had chilled the champagne, bought some sexy new lingerie and rented the most romantic movies I could find to set the mood. Of course, I forgot that Sierra was always in the mood and wanted to get straight to the lingerie…champagne and movies be damned. I, on the other hand, have always been a hopeless romantic and I always get my way…which usually leaves Sierra sulking. This time it was in the kitchen. Sometimes I swear I’m in love with a five year old. I was fiddling with the DVD player when I heard the phone ring and Sierra answer it. I’ll never know what it was but something made me leave what I was doing and go into the kitchen.

“Spit it out babe. Is something wrong?”

Curiosity and concern were warring within me when I heard those words and Sierra’s signaling me that it was Anna on the phone did nothing to ease the tension I was starting to feel. Anna was Cassidy’s best friend…Cassidy’s incredibly hot best friend…Cassidy’s incredibly hot best friend who was hopelessly in love with her. She had confided in me a while ago, although anyone with half a brain could see it. I have to admit, I had always thought that Anna made a better choice for Cassidy, but it wasn’t my place to say so.

I was brought back to reality by the fact that Sierra’s face had gone an ugly white and she just handed me the phone before slumping into the nearest chair. I put the receiver to my ear, deathly afraid of what I was about to hear.

“Sierra? Sierra, are you there?”

“It’s me Anna…Jesse.” Like she couldn’t figure that out.

“Jesse, I need you to get Sierra over to the hospital right now, okay?”

“Not until you tell me what’s going on.”

“There…there’s been an accident. It’s Cassidy.”

“Anna, I want you to tell me the truth,” I dropped my voice “I know you wouldn’t tell Sierra everything but I need to know what I’m going to be dealing with. Am I going to have a full blown breakdown on my hands when she gets there?”

“Jess…Cass tried to kill herself,” I could hear the anguish in Anna’s voice. “It’s pretty bad. She’s been in surgery for the last couple of hours but they should be bringing her out in a few minutes. I didn’t want to call earlier because I didn’t want Sierra to have to be pacing here for so long. Don’t let her know yet Jess, just get her here.”

“We’re on our way.”

Nothing else needed to be said. I couldn’t believe it. My thoughts were flying in every direction and I desperately wanted to join Sierra where she was, but I needed to be the strong one now. I needed to be my darling’s rock or else she would crumble.

“Babe? Baby, look at me.”

“W…what happened?”

It was time to lie. “She wouldn’t say. All I know is that there was some sort of accident. We need to get to the hospital. Anna will give us more details when we get there.”

I don’t think I had ever seen Sierra get dressed that quickly and I would prefer not to remember the drive to the hospital. I honestly thought that we would show up in our own ambulances. Sierra nearly side swiped a van, pulled up on the curb and ran out of the car without so much as a goodbye. I was used to doing the parking anyway, which I did and then I went up to the fourth floor in search of answers. What greeted me was the sight of Sierra lifting Beth a good five inches off the ground and about to swing a punch at her. I didn’t know what it was about…but it couldn’t be good.

“Baby, this isn’t the time. Calm down and let her go. Beth, how is Cassie?”

I put my hand on Sierra’s arm and I felt how tense the muscles were under my fingers. This was definitely not good. The last time she had been like this, she had gone off on some poor woman who had enough of a death wish to smack my ass. That had ended in broken bones and an assault charge, which was eventually dropped because said woman had been too afraid to get within ten feet of Sierra. I took my darling’s hand and led her to a chair. Explanations were needed here, not concussions.

“I’m afraid she isn’t doing so well.”

“Just take your time and tell us what happened, Beth.”

“I…um…I don’t really know.” Beth hung her head in what looked like shame and I knew there was more going on here.

“Beth, I don’t understand.”

“How long, Beth? How long have you been screwing around on my sister?”

There was little I could do to hide my surprise when Sierra said that, but there was no mistaking the words that were written on the note Sierra passed to me. Beth had been cheating on Cassidy? I didn’t think there was anything that could make this worse. No wonder Cassie had tried to end her own life. She was passionate; she gave her all anything she set her sights on and she had made Beth her world. As far as she would have been concerned, her world was ending. It made sense now, in a way. Cassie had been increasingly moody and withdrawn. Sierra had wanted to know what was hurting her little sister… she had wanted to push for answers, but I didn’t let her. I was afraid that she would end up pushing Cassie away, even as I fervently prayed that she wouldn’t try to drown her sorrows in the bottle again. I started to wonder if I had done the right thing. But Beth? What on earth could have made her do such a thing? She tried to explain and I tried to understand…but how could I truly understand giving up on a love like that? I could never imagine myself just walking out on Sierra. I’d be too afraid of what she’d do; not to me, but to herself. Anna came back and I knew that I would have to talk to her soon.

“Beth? She’s awake. She’s asking for you.”

“How is she Anna? Tell me the truth”

I took Sierra’s hand in mine as we listened to Anna list off her injuries. My heart broke when I thought of how much she was hurting…but she was alive. She was alive and that was the most important thing. We would deal with everything else as they came. I looked at Sierra and I could feel some of the tension drain out of her as she leaned against me. I knew that she would cry later as she lay on me and I stroked her hair, but right now Beth needed comfort and neither Anna nor Sierra were in any position to give it, so I went to her and held her as she cried. I knew that she had not set out to deliberately hurt Cassie, but the fact that she had hurt her at all still stung.

Cassidy would be okay, at least physically. It was her emotional state I was worried about and while the others may have considered it soon, I thought it best that she saw Beth first. At least this way she wouldn’t have to wait and wonder; and she would have all of us around to depend on. We watched as Beth slowly made her way to Cassie’s door and I actually felt my heart go out to her. She had a tremendous amount of guilt to deal with. What was she going to say?

“If she ever does anything to hurt Cassie like that again, I’m going to fucking kill her.” I could tell from the look in Sierra’s eyes that she wasn’t joking and I would be lying if I said that it didn’t scare me.

My poor baby…what she must be going through right now. I just held her and let her draw whatever comfort she could while I took the opportunity to talk to Anna. I knew Sierra wasn’t listening. She was dealing with her own pain.

“Anna, sweetheart, how are you holding up?”

“As well as can be expected, I guess.”

I knew she was lying. Her eyes were red and I knew it wasn’t from lack of sleep.

“Anna.” I didn’t mean to sound like I was scolding her, or maybe I did.

“I…I almost lost her tonight Jess. If I had been wrong…if I hadn’t gotten there in time…”

“Anna, tell me what happened? You found her?” I suspected that if Anna hadn’t gotten there in time, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now. Cassidy would have died and a part of each one of us would have gone with her.

“Yes. She called me this morning and I could tell that she’d been crying. She told me not to worry about her anymore…that everything was going to be alright. I…I got scared. There was just something so empty in her voice. I went over and she wasn’t there. I found the note on the kitchen table and that’s when I knew what she was planning.”

“You knew about what was going on with her and Beth?”

“Yes.” I wasn’t surprised that Cassidy would have chosen to confide in Anna. There had always been this bond there and I wondered if it may have contributed in some small part to Beth’s insecurities. “She didn’t want anyone to know. You know how Cass is…she didn’t want to admit that Sierra was right. I should have told you guys, but I honestly didn’t think that it would have gotten this bad.”

“How did you know where she was? I didn’t see anything in the note.”

“I remembered her saying that the first time she knew she loved Beth was when they looked at the sunset together from Lakeview Bridge. It was the night they first kissed…I just figured. I…I saw her jump, Jess. I called out to her but I couldn’t stop her. All I could do was get to the bottom and hope she was still alive.”

I couldn’t imagine what that must have felt like for Anna and as I watched a lone tear make its way down her face, I realized what a truly remarkable woman she was and just how much she loved Cassidy. Of course I knew that she had feelings for her….even before I confronted her that day at the beach house, but I don’t think I ever knew how deeply those feelings ran. I was surprised that Anna had taken the time to get down to the river; a part of me thought that she might have followed Cassie off the top of the bridge, as foolish as that would have been.

After a while, we heard the door to Cassidy’s room open and I could see that Beth had been crying. We all stood. Even though I didn’t really didn’t want to hear it, part of me already suspected what she was going to say.

“I’m leaving her.”

“You’re doing what?” I think it was Anna who asked and I could see something flashing in her eyes.

“I have to…. I can’t keep hurting her. She deserves someone who can love her and be there for her always. I can’t be that person. I think I’ve already proven that.”

Deep down, I knew she was right and I knew that it couldn’t have been easy for her to make this decision. Cassidy deserved so much more. I didn’t hate her…I just hoped she could find whatever it was that she was so desperately searching for. Sierra, however, was another matter and I turned to her just in time to see a fist flying towards Beth. It made contact and it was Anna who had to hold Sierra back. Thankfully, although she hated fighting, Anna was the same height as Sierra and roughly matched her in strength. I doubt I would have been able to hold on to her on my own.

After that, Anna treated Beth for a bruised jaw and sent her home. I assumed Steven would be waiting for her. Sierra wanted to make a beeline for Cassidy but I needed to calm her down first. Cassie needed Anna, or rather they needed each other. I watched as Anna hesitated at the door to Cassidy’s room and she looked up at me. I smiled in encouragement and she nodded and went in. Somewhere in my mind, a little voice told me that one day everything would be alright.

~~~~~~~~~~

It has been five years now and a lot has changed. Thankfully, the relationship between Sierra and I has not been one of them and our love is burning as brightly as the day we first fell in love. But our flame isn’t the only one. Cassie and Anna have been together for almost four years now…with a little help from the rest of us. In fact, they are expecting a bundle of joy in the very near future. Anna is a nervous wreck…you’d think being a doctor would help, wouldn’t you? Steven and Beth have two darling children whom she adores more than anything. Steven isn’t actually a part of our little world but he tolerates us…and we tolerate him.

We are at Beth’s house now and everyone is off in their own little world. I am patiently waiting to hear a resounding smack when Cassie finally gets tired of Anna’s constant worrying over her. Sierra finds it amusing and she is looking at them right now and laughing. I wonder how she’ll feel when I tell her the news. My hand goes to my stomach and I can’t help but smile. I know that I have everything and everyone I need right here…and Sierra’s going to be a daddy.

Anna

I love her. God help me but I love her. I have loved her for as long as I can remember…probably since the first time we met. It wasn’t romantic and there weren’t any of those supposed fire works…we just literally bumped into each other. Okay, the fact is that I plowed into her because I was late for class. We both mumbled apologies and went on our respective ways. Somehow we just kept bumping into each other after that, not literally. Our friendship grew and I fell for her…hard. Who wouldn’t? She was beautiful, sexy, smart, funny, sensitive, and so much more. I could fill pages and pages with reasons why I loved her, but that isn’t why I’m writing this. Suffice to say that I lost my chance to Beth because I was a fool. You see, I had realized a while ago that I was gay, and I had already lost a few ‘friends’ because of that fact. I didn’t want her to be one of them. I was so concerned with how she would react to my sexual orientation that I never stopped to consider the possibility that she also lived on my little side of the fence. It stung when she came out to me and told me that she had found the woman of her dreams, but I got over it…or at least that’s what I told myself. I smiled and I told her that I hoped I’d be lucky enough to find that perfect woman myself some day. She looked at me a little oddly but never said anything except to accept my good wishes. We were friends, the best of friends, and if that was all we could be, then so be it. Still, I didn’t exactly wonder what my other friends were like in bed.

She would be caring, putting my needs first. She would take the lead, but only after she let me tell her what I desired. She would give herself to me as much as I would give myself to her. Sometimes I’d chastise myself for having these thoughts of her when she belonged to another, someone I was also coming to consider as a friend. Eventually there were others in my life…other women, but all of them were just pale imitations of her. All brunette. All close to her height. All with the same soulful brown eyes. God, I had it so bad, but I resolved never to let it show. Cass and Beth were happy and when they finally decided to move in together, I was happy for them. That was our big happy family…Cass and Beth, Sierra and Jesse, me and whoever was my flavor of the month. No one guessed at my secret, not until Jesse caught me.

I should have known that it would have been Jesse who figured it out. She was a deeply compassionate woman who always seemed to know what the people around her were feeling. I supposed that some underestimated her; their loss. She was wonderfully intelligent, amazingly observant and miraculously able to handle Sierra, which was often akin to training a rabid rottweiler.

It was a searing day in July and we had decided to rent a beach house together. Yes, I know that Cassidy and Beth lived practically on the beach but what fun was having guests if you had to clean up after them? I was between flavors at the time so I showed up alone. I hadn’t wanted to come. Sometimes it was very depressed being the fifth wheel, but when Cass had looked at me with those puppy dog eyes I knew I was lost. So here I was, standing alone on the deck, looking at Cass and Beth walk hand in hand down the beach. A traitorous part of my brain whispered, it should have been you. There was so much love between them that I looked away…straight into the eyes of Jesse, who had come up behind me unnoticed.

“Are you ever going to tell her how you feel?”

“I…I don’t know what you’re talking about Jess.”

“Uh huh…I’m not blind Anna, even if everyone else seems to be. I see the way you look at her; I hear the way your voice drops when you’re talking to her. Can you honestly look me in the eyes and tell me that you’re not in love with her?”

“Does it really matter Jess? You see how happy she is with Beth. She deserves that happiness more than anyone else I know. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself for getting in the middle of that.”

“It’s going to eat you alive, sweetheart. Cassie is a big girl; she can handle it. Are you willing to spend the rest of your life casting sidelong glances at her?”

“If I have to. I love her enough to do that.”

You see, when I looked at her and Beth I saw something to be envied. I saw something that everyone wanted and few people ever found…and I thought that it would last forever. I thought that until the day Cass came to see me at the hospital. I had just finished my rounds and was getting ready to go home when Cass dragged herself in. Her eyes were red and I could tell that she had been crying. That in itself was of concern to me, but what worried me more was the fact that she had been drinking. I could clearly smell the alcohol and I wondered if she had been stupid enough to drive all the way here.

“Hey Anna, don’t worry…I took a cab here.” Her speech was a little slurred and there was a ghost of a smile on her lips, but it didn’t reach her face. I guessed that she was still coherent enough to know what I was thinking.

“Cass…babe…what are you doing here?”

“Would it…” She cleared her throat and I could tell that it was taking an effort for her to remain composed.” Would it be okay if I crashed at your place tonight?”

“Of course it is. You don’t even have to ask that”. I was a little surprised at the request. “What about Beth? Do you want me to call her? She’ll be worried if you don’t come home.”

She shrugged her shoulders. “It doesn’t matter to her.”

I knew Cass and I knew that I couldn’t push. She would tell me what was on her mind when she was ready, but right now I needed to get her home. If this was bad enough to start her drinking again, then it was bad. The hospital wasn’t the place for her to cry on my shoulder so I had her sit and wait for me while I gathered my things. Cass didn’t say a word to me again until we were safely at my home and I had made her shower and get some food into her stomach. I had a fire going in the living room: it was mid-autumn and there was a chill in the air. I sat next to her on the plush couch, one of the perks of a doctor’s salary, and I was determined to make her talk.

“Cass, sweetheart? Look at me. I know that whatever this is, it’s hard for you, but I can’t help you unless you tell me what’s wrong.”

“Everything Anna…everything’s wrong. My life is going down a fucking toilet and I don’t know what to do about it.” I had never seen her quite this worked up before, and there could be only one reason for it.

“Are you and Beth having problems?”

“There may not even be a Beth and I anymore, Anna. She’s seeing someone else.”

“What?” I was convinced that I had heard wrong “Are you sure?” I knew that Cass had a bit of a jealous streak and I didn’t want to see her beating herself up over something that probably wasn’t true.

“She told me. Things haven’t been right between us for a while Anna. I still don’t know what it was. Maybe we just stopped trying. Anyway, she told me that this guy at work had asked her out and she told him yes.”

“She’s seeing a guy?” Okay, evidently it was April 1^st and no one told me. This had to be a joke. Why would anyone even think of leaving Cassidy? I felt as though my brain was shutting down.

“I love her Anna, but I don’t know if I can give her what she needs. She keeps telling me that she has to do this, that she’s confused. Well, so am I. I can’t leave her, not when there’s even a slight chance that I can prove to her how much I love her. If I could just make her see that we belong together. But how can I stay like this? He doesn’t even know about me. He thinks we’re just best friends. It kills me every time he calls, every time I see her with him, every time I smell his cologne on her.”

She started to cry then and I did the only thing I could…I held her until she cried herself out and fell asleep. I thought about calling Sierra but I knew that Cass would never forgive me if I did. I knew that I couldn’t call Beth. My anger and bewilderment would make civility impossible. So I just lifted her and took her up to my room…one of the advantages of my near six-foot frame. We slept together that night; not like that, get your mind out of the gutter. I suspected that my advances would not have been rebuffed but I could never take advantage of her like that. I knew that she would need the contact of another human being and I didn’t want her waking up alone in the night. We could talk about her drinking in the morning.

It continued like this for while…too long a while if you ask me. In that time, I saw the woman that I knew and loved fade away and I could do nothing about it. Cass wouldn’t let me. I did get her solemn oath that she would stay away from the alcohol. Cass had never been a flat out alcoholic but the temptation was there, and I knew how easy it would be for her to think that getting drunk was a way to keep the pain at bay. I don’t know if she kept her promise, but I never smelled alcohol on her breath after that.

My relationship with Beth went from being friendly to my hardly speaking to her at all. I couldn’t bring myself to. She was hurting Cass so much and I knew that Sierra was beginning to get suspicious. Jesse had asked me more than once if everything was okay. Why didn’t I say anything? Maybe I was deluding myself into thinking that it couldn’t get any worse; but that wasn’t it. I didn’t say anything because Cassidy begged me not to, and I was powerless to deny her. I should have been stronger.

There were dark circles under Cass’ eyes and she was losing so much weight. Her clothes just hung on her. Couldn’t Beth see? Was this ideal of having a traditional life worth what she was doing to Cass? I was the one who held her when she cried as if her pain would never end. I was the one who made sure she didn’t drown her sorrows in a bottle. I was the one who was there. It should have been Beth…she was the one that Cass still loved, not me.

Cass didn’t deal with pain well. I should have known that it was just a matter of time. I should have known that it would eventually be too much for her to bear. Maybe I just didn’t want to think that way…but I had no choice the last time she called. I could tell you every word that she said to me but I don’t want to. It hurts too much to remember. She was different that night…it was the first time she didn’t cry. I wish to God that she had. There was no emotion in her voice; it was almost as if she had stopped feeling altogether. And when she said goodbye…

So many things could have gone wrong. I could have taken my time answering the phone. I could have been at work. I still thank God that it was my day off. I guess He didn’t want her to die either. I remember praying harder than I had in my whole life on the trip over to Cass’ place, and it was a miracle in itself that I made it in one piece the way I was driving. I didn’t even think to call Beth. I damn near broke down the front door before I remembered that I had a key. My hands were trembling as I tried to get the key in the lock and I had to keep telling myself that I needed to stay calm. I practically ran through the house calling to Cass…but she wasn’t there. Then I found the note.

It was just sitting there on the kitchen table, folded as neatly as could be. It didn’t look dangerous or threatening but something compelled me to read it, and when I did it fell from my hands. I had to lean on the counter as a wave of dizziness tried to consume me. Oh God, what if I was too late? No, I couldn’t think like that…I couldn’t give up on her. But where was she? Where would she go? Then it hit me…Lakeview Bridge. There was a sense of irony there that wouldn’t have escaped her…it was where she and Beth had their first kiss; where they began. To her, it would be poetic justice.

I could only pray that I was right as I once again got into my car and took off. I was. I saw a figure perched on the railings as I drew closer and I knew that it had to be her. I cut the engine, got out of the car and started to run. I had to be in time, but I only got a chance to call out to her once…then she was gone. I swear to you now that my heart stopped beating for an instant and then I was running down the side of the bridge, my phone clutched in one hand. I swatted small braches out of the way even as I called for an ambulance. I hoped that I would have need of it and not a coroner. I must have stumbled and fallen at some point but I didn’t remember that until later, when I realized that my ankle was sprained. I got to the bottom in less than a minute and I jumped in the water. She had to be here…but I couldn’t find her.

I searched and searched, finally getting help from some drivers who had seen what had happened and actually stopped to offer assistance. We didn’t find her until a full three minutes later and by that time the ambulance had arrived. The paramedics were barreling their way down to us but I had no time to notice these things…Cass wasn’t breathing…but I made her breath. I prayed to any God who was listening and I did everything I could. Another irony…that was the first time I tasted her lips. How I wished it could have been under different circumstances.

The next few hours went in a blur. There were lights, and police officers, and explanations that needed to be made. Dr, Peter Brooks, Head Surgeon and my immediate boss, came down to tell me that I had the next few days off and that he would personally supervise Cass’ surgery. At least I knew that she could be in no better hands. Peter was one of the best damn surgeons in the country. They wheeled Cass off to the operating room and I finally got a chance to let the events sink in. I didn’t know if she would survive. I cried like a baby…then I called Beth. She wasn’t home so I tried her cell phone, and was enraged when I heard a man’s voice.

“Hello?”

“Uh…hello. I’d like to speak to Beth please.”

“Sure…hang on a sec.”

“Hello? This is Beth.”

“It’s Anna.”

“Um…Anna...this really isn’t a good time.”

“You need to get to the hospital right away.” I tried to control myself.

“Anna, what is it?”

“Cassidy tried to kill herself. She’s in surgery…I don’t know if she’ll make it. If you care at all just get here.” Then I hung up the phone. I knew that I had been harsh, but I didn’t feel much like being understanding at the moment…so sue me.

I changed my clothes, sat in the waiting area and did what I was supposed to…I waited. How many times had I seen people waiting in this very room for information on their loved ones? I had never been on this side of the fence before…it sucked. I kept thinking about how small Cass had looked when I pulled her out of the water. I could always lift her easily, with her being a full six inches shorter than me, but she had been practically weightless. I shuddered against the memory and tried to block it out. Beth got there about half an hour later. I knew that I should be angry but looking at her, all I felt was pity. She would have to live with this for the rest of her life.

“Hello Beth.”

“Anna, where is she? What’s going on? And what’s this?” She held out her hand and in it was the note, only now it was crumpled. I didn’t know if I had done that, or if she had.

“Have you read it yet?”

“Yes.”

“Then you know as much as I do. She tried to kill herself tonight. She took a dive off of Lakeview Bridge and she’d be dead already if I hadn’t gotten there. They still aren’t completely sure that she’s going to pull through.” I watched as Beth slumped in a chair.

“Oh God. What have I done? You must hate me.”

“I should, and I thought I would…but right now I’m too concerned about Cass to hate you.”

“That’s okay. I hate myself enough for everyone.”

Not everyone, I thought. If Cass doesn’t make it through this then we’ll have two dead bodies on our hands ‘cause Sierra’s going to kill you.

“That doesn’t matter right now Beth. We just need to wait and see what happens.”

We waited for about four hours before Cass finally got out of surgery. She was still unconscious and we wouldn’t know if there had been any brain damage until she woke up. The anesthesia should have worn off soon, so all we could do was sit and wait some more. I hadn’t wanted to call Sierra before because I knew that she would just be here pacing, but now was the time. When I got back, I saw Beth reading the crumpled note again.

“Beth?”

She jumped a little and turned to face me as I sat down.

“Hey, Anna.”

“How are you holding up, kiddo?” That had been a running joke between us even though I was only four years her senior. I really should have hated her for all the pain she put Cass through. God knows I’d hated her before, but she just looked so miserable that I didn’t have the heart to let my anger win out; not that it wasn’t there, just below the surface.

“Okay, I guess…I’m not sure. This all seems unreal, you know? Cassidy was always the strongest person I know.”

I leaned in and wrapped an arm around her, trying to give her what little comfort I could offer.

“Don’t give up on her yet Beth. She’s still in there somewhere and she’s going to need you when she finds her way back.”

“Isn’t that why we’re in this fucking hospital Anna, because I gave up on Cassie?”

Many thoughts ran through my head, and I was sure that many emotions were visible on my face. I knew then that this hadn’t been as easy as I had thought on Beth. A part of her still truly loved Cass. It was so easy to love her. Beth looked at me strangely and I was afraid that my eyes had given too much away…that my love had shone through.

“You need to make that decision Beth. You can’t have it both ways. Not knowing whether you were going to walk out or you were going to stay was hurting her more than anything else.”

“I know I need to make things right Anna. I just don’t know how.”

She buried her head in my shoulder then, and I let her cry. I held her just as I had held Cass countless times before. I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I knew that if…no, when Cass woke up I would never let her hurt like that again. Somehow, I would give her a reason to live.

“What the fuck is going on?!”

Sierra looked about as pissed off as I have ever seen her, and I couldn’t say that I blamed her. I left Beth’s side and made my way across the room. While I was pretty sure that I could take Sierra in a fair fight, I wasn’t about to try for Beth’s sake. Yes, I was starting to feel sorry for her, but the part of me that was loyal to Cass said that this was Beth’s mess and she had to get out of it on her own. I saw her give Sierra the note and decide this was a good time to go check on Cass…and ready a trauma team if necessary. Hopefully Jesse could defuse the situation until I got back.

I steeled myself to go into her darkened room and my heart fell when there was no reaction to my flicking the light on. I had hoped she would have awakened by now. I made my way slowly to the foot of the bed and read the chart there. She was going to be in some serious physical pain for a while…internal injuries, broken bones…a broken spirit. She looked so small lying there. I went and sat in the chair next to her and I couldn’t stop the tears that fell from my eyes. This was the woman that I loved and she was fighting for her life. I wished it was a battle I could fight for her. I would make sure she won. I took her hand in mine and hoped that she could hear me.

“Baby, you’ve got to open those beautiful brown eyes for me. Everyone’s waiting for you, Sierra, Jesse…even Beth. They’re all here waiting for you to come back to us. I don’t know what I’d do without you…I don’t ever want to find out. I love you Cass…I love you more than you’ll ever know. No matter what happens, I’ll take care of you…just…just come back to me.”

I kissed her hand and got up, intent on making my way back outside. That’s when I heard it.

“An…Anna?”

I spun around, convinced that I had been imagining things, but her eyes were slightly open and she was looking straight at me. I wanted to laugh to dance, and to burst into tears all at the same time. I didn’t care if she had heard me say that I loved her…we could deal with that later. The point was that now there would be a later. I ran to her side as she started to cough a little.

“It hurts.”

“I know it does baby. Let me get you something for the pain.”

“Wait….don’t go yet.”

“I’m not going anywhere. Are you okay for a while?” I sat next to her and took her hand again. She was obviously still feeling the effects of the anesthesia, and the battering that her body had taken.

“I’ll live…thanks to you.”

“I am so mad at you right now. How could you do something so stupid?”

“I had my reasons.” Another bout of coughing.

“I know what your reasons were. I read the note. Don’t you dare think that you have nothing to live for ever again, do you hear me? You have me…you’ll always have me.”

“It…it was just so hard.”

“I know angel…I know…but we’re here for you now, okay?”

“Is Beth outside?”

“Yes, she is. Would you like me to send her in for a little while?”

“I suppose we need to get this over with.” A pause. “She’s going to leave, isn’t she?”

“I don’t know, sweetie. Do you really want her to stay?”

“Not out of guilt.”

“She loves you Cass.”

“Yeah, just not enough.”

“We’ll deal with it…whatever happens, we’ll deal with it, okay?”

“Yes ma’am.” She squeezed my hand weakly and I left, dimming the lights on my way out. I didn’t want to go but I knew that there were some things she needed to work out now, and Beth needed to be there. Thankfully, when I got back to the waiting room, there were no signs of bloodshed.

“Beth? She’s awake. She’s asking for you.”

“How is she, Anna? Tell me the truth.

And I did. I told her the truth about Cassidy’s broken bones and all her injuries, but more important, I told her that Cass was alive. Sierra looked like she was on the verge of tears but I wouldn’t bet money on her crying in front of us. Beth, however, did burst into tears and ended up being comforted by Jesse. I couldn’t do it; not now. I just wanted to get back to Cass.

“Beth, I think you should go see her now…but not for long. She needs to rest

Sierra began to protest and I was 100% with her on that one. I didn’t want Beth to have anything to do with Cass right now. She was still too weak, too fragile…but like I’ve said, I could deny Cass nothing and right now she wanted Beth. We all watched her walk to the door and then go in.

“If she ever does anything to hurt Cassie like that again, I’m going to fucking kill her.”

You won’t have to Sierra. I’ll find a way to do it myself.

“Anna, sweetheart, how are you holding up?”

“As well as can be expected, I guess.”

I wasn’t surprised that Jesse asked the question. She was the only one who knew how I really felt about Cass. I looked fearfully at Sierra but she was off in her own little painful world.

“Anna.”

“I…I almost lost her tonight Jess. If I had been wrong…if I hadn’t gotten there in time…”

“Anna, tell me what happened? You found her?”

“You knew about what was going on with her and Beth?”

“Yes.” I felt a twinge of guilt then, even there had been no accusation in Jesse’s voice. Maybe if I had gone against her wishes and told someone what was going on… “She didn’t want anyone to know. You know how Cass is…she didn’t want to admit that Sierra was right. I should have told you guys, but I honestly didn’t think that it would have gotten this bad.”

“How did you know where she was? I didn’t see anything in the note.”

A lone tear made its way down my face and Jesse left me alone after that even though I knew that she still had a lot of questions. I would answer what I could later but right now my heart felt like it had been put through the wringer. I didn’t know what to feel…and I was worried about what was going on in that room. I found out soon enough for Beth came out after a while.

“I’m leaving her.”

“You’re doing what?” I nearly lost it then, Hippocratic Oath be damned. I just wanted to wring some sense into her, even as my more rational side said that it was for the best.

“I have to…. I can’t keep hurting her. She deserves someone who can love her and be there for her always. I can’t be that person. I think I’ve already proven that.”

I needn’t have bothered about losing my temper; Sierra did that for me and popped Beth one right in the face. She fell back against the wall and her hand went to her jaw, but she didn’t look surprised. I know I wasn’t. Still, I pulled Sierra away and back to Jesse…no need for any more of this tonight. The healing could begin tomorrow. I treated Beth’s bruised jaw and sent her home, where she could be out of harm’s way. Sierra wanted to go to Cass immediately, but Jesse held her back and told me to go in instead. I was a little surprised at this but her eyes were warm and encouraging. I wasn’t an opportunist. I wasn’t going to say that Beth was out of the picture and now I had my chance. I just wanted to be there for Cass and hope that one day I could be the one to help her heal…if she’d let me. I didn’t care how long it took. I loved her enough to wait a lifetime.

~~~~~~~~~~

So Sierra, Jesse…and Beth made it their mission to get us together. Surprised that I mentioned Beth? Well, there was a lot of talking and even more tears, but some wounds were mended and Beth was accepted back into our family, although she was on probation for a long while. They were so subtle about it too…you’d have to be as dumb as a rock to not figure out what they were trying to do. I’m sure they didn’t suspect that we knew. Cass and I used to laugh about it all the time. We both knew that she wasn’t ready yet…she needed to learn to trust again so I never pushed. I just kept on hoping that I could show her I’d always be there.

There wasn’t anything spectacular about that night…certainly nothing that would indicate it was going to be the night my dreams came true. We were having dinner at my place, which had become a regular occurrence on any night that I didn’t have to be on call. After dinner we just lazed around on the couch holding each other. Cass was fiddling with the remote and I had my eyes closed since I’ve never really been a big fan of television. I had almost dozed off against her when I heard Cass say something.

“Hmm? What was that babe?”

“I said that I just wanted to thank you.”

“For what?”

“For saving my life…for everything.”

I started to protest but she rested a finger on my lips and moved so that we were facing each other. I felt a little spark shoot through me.

“You saved me Anna…not just that night. You saved me from myself so many times. You’ve always been there for me and I don’t know how I would have gone on if it hadn’t been for you.”

She leaned to kiss me on the cheek and I think I gasped a little when I felt her lips on my skin. My heart was pounding out of my chest at having her so close like this. She pulled away a little and looked into my eyes, almost as if she were asking permission. I must have given it because she leaned in again, but this time she kissed me on the lips; soft and sweet. I felt my eyes closing and my hand snaked into her hair. She pulled away again and this time it was I who closed the distance between us. Our kisses grew more passionate and I opened my mouth to let her tongue in. I wanted more. I wanted to make love to her. I wanted to feel her deep inside me. I pushed her down into the couch and started working my way down her neck. I felt her hands make their way up my bare back under my blouse and I arched into the touch. My skin was on fire. I had wanted this so long.

We made love everywhere that night…on the sofa, in my bedroom, in the shower…um…on the kitchen table. I had never felt so much passion in my life. She was everything that I had imagined and more than I could have hoped for. I damn near lost my voice that night and I am blushing as I write this. In the morning, I knew that I could not spend another moment without her. I asked her to move in with me as soon as she woke up. She thought I was joking at first but then she said yes, and my heart leapt. We have been together ever since.

We are at Beth’s house now…all of us. Bethany and Adrian refuse to leave Cassie alone and, even though she professes to not being fond of children, I know that she loves every minute of it. My darling is nothing but a big softie at heart. I can see Beth looking at her and I feel the slight stirrings of jealousy, but then Cassie looks over to me and I can see the most precious love in her eyes. Beth will always have a place in Cassie’s heart but it is me that she loves now. She is carrying my child. A part of me is growing inside her…and it truly is a part of me. Cassie would have it no other way and she can be very persuasive. Each time I think about how much she has brought to my life, tears come to my eyes, as they do now. I look around…at Cassie… at Sierra… at Beth… at everyone, and I know that I have everything and everyone I need right here.

Cassidy

How did things end up this way babe? We used to be so good together…so much in love. That’s what all our friends used to say, when they weren’t laughing at us for holding hands and cuddling every chance we got. Do you even remember that now…how much they used to say that they wanted to find what we had? I am beginning to disgust myself now. I always thought I was worth more than this. I find myself fascinated by the light reflecting off the clearish brown liquid in my glass, as if it holds the answers I so desperately seek. I am on the verge of drunkenness…I have to be to get my courage up for what must be done. I cannot live without you.

Did you know that I never really believed in love until I looked into your eyes? As clichéd as it sounds, I remember the first time I saw you as if it were yesterday. You were walking into my dorm and although you were with a few others, all I saw was you. Someone must have said something funny because you smiled and your face lit up. I swear it brightened the room. I think I said hello, and the bluest eyes that I had ever seen rewarded me by turning in my direction. I fell in love with you a little bit that day…I just didn’t realize it until later.

I saw you in a few common classes after that and little by little, we became very close friends. There were others that I would hang out with, but I found myself wanting to spend every waking moment with you…only you. I thought you would have freaked if you found out I was gay…but it didn’t even phase you. I honestly think you were more curious than upset. We were sitting on your bed, in your room, and you were busily telling me about some guy or the other. I wasn’t really paying attention…I just loved to see the way your lips moved.

“Cassie? Cassidy, are you listening to me?”

“Um…what? Oh, of course I am.”

“Then what did I just say?”

“Something about some guy?” I was going out on a limb here.

“Oh for heaven’s sake! Don’t you even care that one of the hottest guys on campus was practically drooling over you?”

“Not particularly.”

“I can’t believe you…anyone else would be in tailspin right now and you’re acting as if I just told you what time it is.”

“I honestly don’t care Beth. Brad just isn’t my type.” Or my gender…now his sister on the other hand…

“I don’t get it. I’ve known you for months now and I haven’t seen you go out on a single date. You don’t like dating?”

Well, I guess I had to bite the bullet sometime. Might as well get this over with so she could throw me out and I could make it back to my room before bedtime.

“I like dating just fine…I just don’t like boys.”

“Come again?”

“I don’t like boys…I like girls. I’m gay.”

“Oh…ohhhh…okay. That’s cool.” Then she started to laugh. I thought she had finally lost it.

“Um…isn’t this supposed to be the part where you throw me out? And just what is so funny?”

“The look on your face…it was just so priceless.”

“Why do I get the feeling that I’m missing something here?”

“You are…I already knew, silly. I overheard one of your exes talking to her friends. Apparently you, my dear, are very…um…talented.”

I had the good grace to blush then and you went into even louder fits of laughter.

“If you already knew, why were you going on and on about Brad?”

“’Cause I like to watch you squirm.”

I was relieved to say the least, but I didn’t really enjoy myself that night…not when you spent it asking all sorts of questions about my supposed ‘talents’ and I spent it trying not to blush. Even though you were so accepting of me…of my lifestyle…I never expected you to want to be a part of it. Even when I realized that what I felt for you went way beyond just friendship, I never expected that you could feel the same way too. Maybe I should have seen it before, but I was convinced that a woman like you would never fall for a woman like me. You were beautiful; I was average. You were confident; I was awkward. Why would you ever want me?

Do you remember that night out on Lakeview Bridge? It had been a perfect day. You had spent the night in my room and when I woke up, your head was buried in my neck…I could feel your breath on my skin. You woke up and I thought I saw something flicker in your eyes…but then it was gone. It must have been my imagination. We spent the rest of the day together…walking in the park, having an impromptu picnic, just taking…and in the evening you said that you wanted to see the sunset from the bridge. I held your hand as we stood; awed by brilliant oranges and pinks…and when I turned to you again, I knew that this wasn’t my imagination. You kissed me for the first time that night and I knew that my heart would belong to you alone from that moment on.

We were so good together…I thought it would last forever. That’s why I stood up for you. That’s why I got into so many arguments with my sister. She thought you would hurt me…that you would leave once the novelty wore off. I knew better. You wouldn’t hurt me. You couldn’t. That’s what you always said…that you would die before you would ever hurt me. I believed you. I believed in our future when we moved in together. It almost seemed that fate had conspired to find us our own place and the first night we spent there together, I knew that I had found a home.

It didn’t last though, did it? Maybe we were just too different. Maybe the novelty did wear off. Maybe I just wasn’t good enough for you; after all you still hid me. You hid me from your family. You hid me from your co-workers. You hid me from everyone who didn’t know about us in college. But it made you happy so I played along. I convinced myself that I couldn’t ask you to give up so much for me. I thought that eventually you’d want to. That was before you met someone who could be to you all the things that I couldn’t.

I had met Steven a few times at the office. He seemed like a nice guy and certainly you though so. You always said that you never knew guys like him existed. It didn’t bother me. I was happy that you had found a friend. How much more naïve could I have been? I might as well have given him a key to our bedroom from the start. You started blowing me off for him. You’d stay at the office and have lunch with him, instead of meeting me. It hurt at first but I just couldn’t see what I didn’t want to. I should have suspected, and maybe subconsciously I did, but I still had faith in you. And then you came to me and told me that he had asked you out.

We had a long talk then… and you cried …and I cried. I heard all about your feelings for him. I heard you say that you were so confused because you loved me and you knew that I was the one to make you happy…but he treated you so well. I tried to be understanding. I told you that I would be there for you, no matter what. I let you go. And a part of me died inside. I have been dying little by little ever since. Every time you tell me you still love me…and then tell him the same thing when he calls. Every time you kiss me when you get home…and I know where your lips have been. Do you remember the first time I saw his marks on you? You actually wore a t-shirt to bed. Did you really think that I wouldn’t notice?

Did you really think that I wouldn’t know when you started sleeping with him? Did you really think that the whispered conversations wouldn’t raise my suspicions? Did he know that I had been where he was now…fucking you? Of course he didn’t. He thought that he was your first. He thought that I was just your friend…your best friend. That’s why he couldn’t understand why I didn’t want him at our place…after all, I had no right to be so demanding. Is that why you took him there anyway, when you knew I wasn’t supposed to be home? Is that why I walked in on you, and he made a clumsy attempt to hide to cover his embarrassment? How stupid did you think I was? You should have cleaned up better babe…never leave reminders when you’re cheating on your partner. How did it feel to betray my trust?

I couldn’t talk to anyone. Sierra would have either killed you or demanded that I leave then and there…and Jesse would have told Sierra. Anna was my rock then. I know she thinks that I don’t know how she feels about me, but I’ve seen the way she looks at me. Maybe in another life; maybe of you hadn’t come along…but my heart always belonged to you…and I’m not the cheating kind. Still, it was to her that I went when I got tired of spending my nights alone. It was on her shoulder that I cried when I couldn’t take being used anymore. It was in her bed that I slept when I couldn’t get the image of him being inside you…of you telling him to fuck you harder…out of my mind. Does he know how wild you are in bed, babe? I’m sure he does. Do you dig your nails into his back hard enough to leave scars in the morning? I’m sure he enjoys every minute of it.

Still, I could have lived through all the pain. I could have dulled the anguish with alcohol. Anna thinks that she made me stop, and I did for a while…but not after last night. Foolish me…I still had hope, even after all the betrayals. Then you told me that you didn’t think it would work between us. You told me it felt right with him in a way that it never had with us. You told me that you thought you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him…but you still loved me. You told me that he might be the one for you…but he still wasn’t me. You said that you still wanted me to be a part of your big happy family, so that I would never be alone. Then you left. You don’t get it do you? I’m already alone.

You were it for me. You were supposed to be the one who never left…the one who was different from everybody else. You promised, and now you’ve broken that promise. You took every want and every need that I had, and you made it less than yours...and his. You made him your world as you watched mine crumble. You knew of all the betrayals in my past…and you chose to become one of them. I cannot live with this pain. I will not live with this pain.

I am no condition to drive and for an instant I am worried that I might get myself killed. Then the irony of that statement hit me, considering what I was about to do. I leave the note on the kitchen table and I start locking up. I have one more thing to do before I leave. I have to call Anna and let her know that there was nothing more she could have done…that I would be eternally grateful for everything that she had tried to do. I do not want her to hurt any more than she has to. Maybe I would have been better off had I allowed myself to love her. I hang up the phone and get into my car. I know that the bridge would be practically deserted this time of day…it was a view for lovers at sunset. It seemed appropriate somehow that the story should end where it began.

It really is a beautiful view…the trees; the lake in the distance…everything. I look down from the railing where I am perched into the river below. It isn’t raging, by any stretch of the word, but the fall should more than do what needs to be done. I was never good at judging distances, but this is high enough. It is time…too much thinking has already been done. I stand and steady myself. In the distance I think I hear a voice calling my name but it must be my imagination. No one knows I am here. I take a deep breath…and then I jump. As I am falling, I have a moment to think how much like flying this is. It is a wonderful feeling…flying and accepting my fate. I hit the water and there is a momentary pain, but it is gone in an instant and I know only blackness….

~~~~~~~~~~

I must be dead. Then why does my head hurt so much? Why can’t I open my eyes? And where is that voice coming from?

Those are the thoughts in my head as I struggle towards wakefulness. I feel as though I am still in the water…sluggish and heavy…but the fog in my brain is clearing a little and I am able to recognize the voice as Anna’s. Unless she has followed me in my fate, which I sincerely hope is not the case, I’m not dead. What is she saying? She is telling me that she loves me and she is crying. It is the first time that I have heard her say it, and I cannot bear to be the reason for her tears. She stands to go and I know that I need to make her hear me. It takes all the energy that I have but I finally manage to open my eyes.

“An…Anna?”

She spins around and I can see the joy and relief in her eyes, as well as a little bit of fear. She doesn’t know if I have heard her. I’m not going to give up her secrets just yet so I pretend that I didn’t, as I am wracked by a coughing fit. It hurts to breathe. My entire body hurts and I can’t move one of my legs. I realize that it is in a cast. Just how much damage have I taken?

“It hurts.”

“I know it does baby. Let me get you something for the pain.”

“Wait….don’t go yet.” I don’t want to be alone…not yet. I’m still not sure whether or not I am glad to be alive.

“I’m not going anywhere. Are you okay for a while?”

“I’ll live…thanks to you.” Somehow I knew that Anna was the one who saved me. It just seemed right. I vaguely remember the voice from the bridge. It must have been hers.

“I am so mad at you right now. How could you do something so stupid?”

“I had my reasons.” Another bout of coughing cuts off anything else.

“I know what your reasons were. I read the note. Don’t you dare think that you have nothing to live for ever again, do you hear me? You have me…you’ll always have me.”

“It…it was just so hard.” And it was, but for the first time, I feet some shame. I was so consumed with my own pain that I didn’t stop to consider what my actions would have meant to everyone else.

“I know angel…I know…but we’re here for you now, okay?”

“Is Beth outside?” I don’t want to ask…I don’t think that I’m up to seeing her, or letting her see me. I know I have to. We have to get this over and done with. I needed to move on…to start healing, or at least trying to.

“Yes, she is. Would you like me to send her in for a little while?”

“I suppose we need to get this over with.” A pause. “She’s going to leave, isn’t she?” I already know the answer but hope can be an insidious little insect.

“I don’t know, sweetie. Do you really want her to stay?”

“Not out of guilt.”

“She loves you Cass.”

“Yeah, just not enough.”

“We’ll deal with it…whatever happens, we’ll deal with it, okay?” I know she means it. It gives me courage.

“Yes ma’am.”

She dims the lights a little before she leaves and as I lie here, I feet a stirring in my stomach that has nothing to do with my injuries. I am nervous. I am afraid. I know that I am going to ask her to stay and, deep down, I know that she won’t. I hear the door open once again and I steel myself.

“Cassidy?” She sounds unsure of herself, as if she is afraid that her voice will make me bolt…not that I can go anywhere in this cast. My throat refuses to work.

“Cassie, honey?”

“Hey.”

“I guess it’s a silly question but how are you feeling?”

“Like I almost died…but I guess that’s a fair representation.” It is a silly question, but I feel compelled to answer.

“Do you remember anything about what happened?”

“I remember everything Beth.” I don’t want to. I don’t want to remember what I had done or the pain that drove me there. She takes my hand and all I feet is that pain…that ache in my heart, coupled with a few more physical aches. I see the tears that come to her eyes and I wish I could wipe them away. God, I am still in love with her.

“I’m so sorry baby. I never meant to do this to you.”

“I did this to myself Beth. I let the pain get the better of me.” It’s true. I did this. I could have walked away. I could have handled things differently.

“But I want you.” It is my eyes that the tears come to this time, partly because it is true, and partly because it isn’t. I do want her…I always did, but I can’t fight any more.

I do. I can’t spend the rest of my life being though of a just her ‘best friend’. I need to be with someone who can give me to me as much as I can give to them. It isn’t Beth’s fault, and I can’t force her to live a life that will make her unhappy. I can’t go out with her the way he can. I can’t give her a ‘real’ marriage. I can’t be him.

“I don’t want to be alone.”

“You will never be alone. I want to be a part of your life…for as long as you’ll have me. I’m always going to be your friend and your shoulder to cry on. Don’t forget, you still have Sierra and Jesse…and Anna.” There is something in her eyes when she says Anna’s name and it puzzles me a bit. Does she know about my best friend’s feelings for me? Is she trying to tell me something?

“What are you talking about Beth?”

“We all love you Cassie…even me. I know you don’t believe that and I haven’t given you any reason to. I have broken all my promises to you. I have hurt you more than anyone else in your life…and I know that was a big task. I can’t expect you to ever trust me again. I can only hope that one day you’ll forgive me. And the thing that breaks my heart the most is that I can’t be the one to be there for you. I can’t be the one to hold you and make it better because I’m the one who put you here. I can’t help you heal.”

“I know.”

“But there’s someone who can…and she’s right outside. She can be there for you, if you let her. I know that I have no right to ask anything of you but I’m asking you this; promise me that you won’t shut her out.”

“I can’t be with anyone else right now Beth. I can’t even think about that.”

“I’m not asking you to. I’m just asking you to let her in. She’s going to be there for you in any way you need. Just let her.”

Suddenly, I am very tired. I don’t know whether it’s the drugs are kicking in or the fact that I am emotionally drained, but at least I am starting to feel that things will be okay…eventually. It still hurts, but that will ease in time. She is right…I have to move on with my life. I have to take some time for myself, to find myself, and when the time is right I might be able to love again. I drift to sleep with those thoughts and when I open my eyes again, Anna is with me.

I hear about Sierra’s little temper tantrum later, when she comes in with sore knuckles and tries to hide them. I don’t know if she is going to hug me or hit me…thankfully she just hugs me. I get the feeling that Jesse has something to do with her not trying to finish what I had started. We talk. I think this is the first real heart-to-heart conversation that I have ever had with my sister. It is the silver lining on a very dark cloud.

Well, one of the at least. The other is Anna and I. She offers to take me in when I am discharged from the hospital but Sierra would have none of it. I don’t think she wants to let me out of her sight again. It is a good thing too. I don’t think I could handle Anna having to bathe me. As it is, Jesse makes light of the fact that she can get to see the two hottest sisters in town naked anytime she wants to. It does wonders for my ego, but I’ll never tell Sierra that. She would not be amused.

Anna comes by practically everyday, and she stays over at my place when I am finally able to walk on my own. She takes me to the hospital for my physical therapy appointments. She encourages me when the depression sets in. She is always there for me…and little by little I start to let her it. It feels right being with her. I miss her company when she isn’t around. I know it’s selfish but I want her around me all the time.

Sierra, Jesse and Beth are conspiring to get us together. To say that they are obvious about it would be an understatement. They are always dropping hints and coming up with lame excuses when we are all supposed to go out together so it ends up being just Anna and me. We both know what they’re trying to do and we frequently laugh about it, but I know the time isn’t right yet. But I think it will be soon.

It is almost a year to the day since my ‘accident’. That’s how everyone refers to it now, as though I accidentally propelled myself off a bridge. We are at Anna’s place, in here living room to be exact. We are full and content to just rest against each other. Her eyes are closed and I know that she thinks I am exploring her remote but the fact is that I am nervous. Having her so close is doing the strangest things to me. I can smell the shampoo in her hair and she is wearing my favorite perfume. It feels so good being in her arms…it feels so right. I finally feel that I was able to really trust again and it is all because of her. I nuzzle her hair and whisper a ‘thank you’. She must have been dozing of because she seems startled.

“Hmm? What was that babe?”

“I said that I just wanted to thank you.”

“For what?”

“For saving my life…for everything.” Don’t you know how much you’ve done for me?

She tries to say something…to deny it, but I rest a finger on her lips…her very soft lips. I need to get this out before my courage escapes me.

“You saved me Anna…not just that night. You saved me from myself so many times. You’ve always been there for me and I don’t know how I would have gone on if it hadn’t been for you.”

I move to kiss her on the cheek and my senses are overwhelmed by her scent. I hear a small gasp escape her and I draw back. I look into her eyes. I need to be sure that this is what she wants. All I see reflected there is a love so strong that I feel tears coming to my eyes. How could I have not seen it all those years before? I kiss her, on the lips, and my heart leaps to my throat. I feel like I can’t breathe…I want her so much. I draw back again and almost instantly her lips are on mine again. She opens her mouth to me, and I taste her tongue for the first time. I let her feel mine. It isn’t enough. I need more. I need naked skin on skin.

She must have heard my thought s because she pushes me down into the couch and starts kissing a trail down my neck. She nips me here and there and I know that I will be sporting her marks in the morning. I don’t care, as long as they’re hers. My trembling fingers slide up her back and I feel her arch slightly into the touch. I capture an ear and a low moan escapes her. She is lying practically on top of me and our legs are intertwined. She slides down and starts unbuttoning my shirt with her teeth. It is the most erotic sight I have ever seen. The cold air is quickly replaced by the heat of her mouth and I know the meaning of pleasure. I need her…now. Our passions grow and when she reaches into my jeans…I am so very wet for her.

We make love everywhere…and I do mean everywhere. I am never going to be able to eat at that table again. And when it is finally over, we are both too drained to move, but it is an exquisitely beautiful feeling. She holds me and I sleep better than I have in a very, very long time. When I open my eyes the next morning, she is right there beside me and I know that this was where I belong. I am a little surprised when she asks me to move in, but I am not going to let her slip out of my grasp. I say yes and I have been saying yes to her ever since.

~~~~~~~~~~

Five years have passed since the night I almost ended it all. I thank God each day that I didn’t. I have so much to live for now. My sister and I are closer than we have ever been. Beth and I have managed to mend all our fences as well, and we are actually very good friends. We have been there for each other through many things throughout the years. I am still not close to Steven and I doubt that I’ll ever be. He reminds me too much of a time when I hated who I had become. Still, we tolerate each other, for Beth’s sake…and her children. They are little angels. I hope my own child comes out half a sweet as they are. If she takes after Anna, she will be. And why shouldn’t she? After all, she is my darling’s biological child. I’m just a giant incubator. It always makes Anna laugh when I say that. I wonder if she’ll be laughing at the delivery when I’m in agony and I refuse to ever let her touch me again. It warms my heart to know that a piece of Anna is growing inside me.

We all live fairly close to each other and I am glad for that. This is my family and families should stick together. At the moment, we are all at Beth’s house and I am starting to feel a little tired. Beth’s kids love me, for some inexplicable reason, and while I am usually up to spending hours and hours with them, the pregnancy has put a strain on me. Anna is, as usual, my shadow. I love her to death but if she doesn’t leave me alone for two seconds, I’m going to lose it. I know that if roles were reversed, I would be worse so I cut her some slack. Sierra and Jesse are off talking and I know something that my sister doesn’t, but that’s Jesse’s secret…although it won’t be a secret for long.

I am happy. For the first time in my life, I am truly happy. I still see sadness in Beth’s eyes sometimes, especially when Anna’s hand is on my stomach, and I know she is thinking of all those conversations we had about having children of our own. But she has her husband, she has her children, and she still has me. She still has all of us…and things had to happen the way they did. We each had to find our own place…and mine is here. I look around…at Anna… at Sierra… at Beth… at everyone, and I know that I have everything and everyone I need right here. I have found my perfect world.

The End.