Olivia Benson sighed. Each of her hands was firmly gripping the shoulder of an angry blonde woman, and a small crowd had gathered around them. "All right, which one of you wants to tell me how it started?"
"Excuse me? This is really none of your business," said the first blonde woman, who was sporting very expensive clothes (after sharing a closet with Alex Cabot, she could recognize Dolce and Gabbana at twenty paces) and an irritated frown. "This... woman... assaulted me. It was completely unprovoked-"
"Unprovoked my ass!" Serena Southerlyn shouted, causing even more of the dance floor's patrons to stop and stare. "She was making out with my girlfriend!"
"Excuse me?" the strange blonde repeated, looking at Serena with a mixture of horror and shock. "I would never- what on earth are you talking about. Jane?"
The blonde's companion stepped forward. "Let her go, please," she said, "you've got your hands full with that one..."
Now, Olivia had a pretty good idea what was going on. The broad vowels of the woman's Boston accent only confirmed her suspicions. Obviously, she should have paid more attention to Munch's theories about Pod People and/or Government Cloning Research, because this woman looked exactly like...
"Abbie! You promised that you weren't going to do this anymore! I can't believe I trusted you..."
"Serena, cool it," Olivia said, giving the blonde's shoulder another firm squeeze and releasing the other blonde. "That's not Abbie."
"What do you mean it's not-"
"Look at her clothes."
Pausing in her tirade long enough to check, Serena was astonished to realize that the woman she had mistaken for Abbie was wearing jeans and a white tank top instead of the black, slitted skirt and v-neck that her girlfriend had donned earlier that evening. In addition, her hair rolled down her back in tight waves, and Abbie had worn hers up.
"Oh my God, I am so sorry," she said, a horrified look transforming the angry features of her face as she realized what she had done. "I thought - I thought you were... you look just like..."
"What on God's green earth has you throwin' such a conniption, Ser? People are starin - Well, fuck me blind! Lord in Heaven, call me the crazy Aunt and hide me in the basement, because I'm staring myself in the face."
The statement was so absurd that none of the four women could think of an appropriate response.
A long, astonished silence stretched between them until another voice added, "I've heard of Doppelgangers, but this is bordering on the ridiculous."
Slowly, Olivia turned towards Alex, who had accompanied Abbie to the bathroom ("it's a girl thing," she had claimed, forcing Olivia to remind her that she was most definitely also a girl). "We've entered the Twilight Zone."
"What did I miss?"
The brunette detective sighed. "She," she pointed at the blonde stranger, "was attacked by Serena for touching..." - what did that woman call her? Jane! - "Jane here, who just happens to look a hell of a lot like Abbie."
Alex groaned. "I'm getting a headache."
"Listen," Serena interrupted, putting on her best apologetic face, "I'm really sorry about slapping you, um..."
"Maura Isles. And I accept your apology. Now that you and your date have been reunited, I can see why you made the mistake. Their cranial structure is remarkably similar."
Disappointed that there was no longer going to be a catfight, the crowd began to disperse, leaving the six women to their own devices. "Please let me buy you two your next round of drinks. I feel terrible."
"You mean let me buy them their next round of drinks," Abbie interrupted. "You didn't bring your purse or your credit card."
"I didn't have a purse that matched this dress. I'll pay you back later. Besides, you use my checking account just as much as yours, so stop bitching. This is all your fault anyway for having some kind of freaky identical twin that you never told me about."
Jane smiled. "Well, I'm not gonna say no to a free beer. How about it, Maura?"
"Yep, with the NYPD. Special Victims," Olivia said after taking another drink from her bottle. "Pretty ugly stuff."
"Tell me about it. At least mine are always dead," said Jane, resting her weight on her elbows until Maura shot her a disapproving look and reminded her with a silent glare to place her hands in her lap. "We're at a club, Maur, not a five star restaurant," she complained.
Alex gave the blonde a nod of approval. "I like you," she declared. "You know how to keep your woman in line." Both of them ignored Jane's eye-roll.
"I like your Manolo Blahniks," Maura offered in return.
"Why thank you."
"I'm just glad no one was hurt too badly," Abbie said. "You sure you're all right, Maura? Serena can pack a mean punch." She winced in sympathy as several long-ago memories resurfaced. "Trust me, I speak from experience."
"Thank you for your concern, but I'm fine."
"Between you and me, Serena's lucky she got out of that one without a scratch on her," Jane told Olivia. "She's a medical examiner and she knows all the weak points of the human body."
"That's it!" Alex said triumphantly. "I've been trying to figure out why your surname sounded familiar ever since you introduced yourself," she explained, nodding her head at Maura. "Do you know a Dr. Melinda Warner?"
Maura's eyes widened in surprise. "Yes, actually, I do. Do you know her as well?"
"She's our - um, Olivia's - medical examiner."
"Curiouser and curiouser," Abbie quipped. "We didn't just go down the Rabbit Hole, I think we all stumbled ass-over-tits into it after smoking a couple of very strong joints."
"Please forgive my obviously inebriated girlfriend-"
"I've only had one-"
"Shh, Abbie!"
Olivia sighed. "Nope, that's Abbie sober."
"I promise, she can be very refined when she wants to be. She's actually a federal prosecutor."
"Federal prosecutor by day, lesbian superhero by night!" She gestured at Jane. "I even have my own stunt double!"
"My mother's never going to believe this," the Boston detective muttered. "No, scratch that... I'm not going to tell her. She'll probably fly you up from DC and make you home-cooked lasagna."
Abbie laughed. "Your mother, too? Oh heavens, mine will up and faint like a proper Southern lady before getting all in your business... you don't have kids, do you? Please say no, because I don't want to hear, 'but if this nice woman who looks just like you can have children, why can't you, Abigail?' I would run away from home."
"Your mother is all the way in Texas, sweetie," Serena reminded her.
"There's no escaping a Texan mother..."
"Or an Italian one."
"So, we're agreed-"
"- tell them absolutely nothing."
"Right."
Alex snorted. "Even though mine is deceased, I doubt any of us would want to regale our respective mothers with tales of the brawl we almost engaged in at a gay bar in Provincetown."
"I told you we shouldn't have come here," Olivia muttered. "This place is too... gay."
Alex laughed. "Too gay? Olivia, you're gay. You wear a man's watch and sensible shoes. You scream dyke."
"No I don't. I'll have you know that a suspect asked me out a couple of weeks ago."
"And what did you say?"
"That I was single, but didn't mix business with work."
"You said you were single?"
"Well, I wasn't going to tell him I had a girlfriend. Then I'd never have been able to get rid of him!"
Olivia was a little buzzed, but still coordinated enough to keep Alex from tumbling backwards into the rest of the group. "What is it, honey? Are you okay?" she asked, looking concerned. While Abbie was a hilarious drunk and Serena's moods ranged from cheerful to depressed, Olivia was an emotional drunk. Instead of dulling her feelings, alcohol sensitized them and made her extra concerned about Alex's little stumble.
Alex's mouth opened and closed like a fish as she stared across the street, struck mute by the shocking sight.
"I think that man over there startled her," Maura chirped, pointing over at a tanned, well-muscled man wearing nothing but a leather g-string and black strips across his chest. Both nipples were pierced and he had something that looked like a spiked dog collar around his neck.
"Oh, come on, Alex. You've seen worse than that before. He's probably some harmless fluff named Barry that works as a daycare assistant or a shoe salesman when he's not... er... dressed like that."
"I've seen worse at work, Olivia, not during my vacation! Maybe you're right. Maybe we are too old for this."
"That's what I said," Jane Rizzoli agreed. "I told Maura we were too old to go clubbing like a bunch of baby dykes, but did she listen? Nooo... she wanted an 'authentic lesbian experience' even though we started dating, what, over six months ago? And she's not even a lesbian..."
"I told you, bisexuality is a natural point of reference on the Kinsey scale, a perfectly normal variation-"
"Well, just don't start checking out the gluteus maximus on our friend Barry over there, Doc, or I might have to revoke your license to practice medicine."
Abbie, meanwhile, was thoroughly amused by the entire affair. "I bet he could show a man a good time," she said, reaching up a hand to wave at the leather boy and giving him a loud wolf whistle. He winked and blew her a kiss, which made Serena burst out in laughter.
"Only in Provincetown..."
"You'd be surprised. We get some pretty crazy stuff up on Boston. One time, Maura and I went undercover at a lesbian bar and set up an online dating profile for me to attract a killer..."
Olivia snorted. "I hate undercover work. I've been a hooker, a porn star, a woman asking a receptionist for a vaginoplasty, a crack whore, "married" to my partner Stabler, who is actually married in real life, an inmate at a women's prison, and the FBI borrowed me once and turned me in to some kind of hippy-dippy tree hugger."
Alex brushed her fingers against Olivia's hand and the brunette realized that she was rambling. "Sorry, got carried away. Tell the story about the lesbian bar. I want to hear this..."
"Jeez, I am soooo drunk... I don't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt," Abbie slurred, flopping back onto the queen-sized bed and kicking her shoes into the wall.
"That reminds me of a joke!" Jane said gleefully, sitting cross-legged on the foot of the bed and bouncing a little to test the mattress. "What's a blonde's mating call?"
Abbie sat up, holding a pillow tight to her chest. "What?"
"I'm soooo drunk! I'm soooo drunk!" Both women dissolved in giggles.
Olivia, who was leaning against the wall beside the door and trying to figure out the safest way to get to a comfortable chair, snorted with laughter. "I heard a different version. What's a blonde's mating call?"
"What?" Abbie repeated dutifully.
"Next!"
"Oh, I've got one. How do you keep a blonde occupied for hours?"
"How?" asked Jane.
"Scribble 'turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper."
"I have a better one! One time, a blonde cop pulled over a blonde motorist for speeding. The cop asks for ID and the girl in the car says, "I don't have any, but I've got this picture of myself you can look at," and holds up a mirror. The cop says, "damn, if I knew you were a cop, I never would have pulled you over!'"
That one made Jane and Abbie start laughing hysterically. None of them seemed to realize that their blonde lovers were all glaring at them, particularly Alex, who was the most sober. She cleared her throat loudly, catching their attention. "I've got one. What's brown, red, black, and blue?"
Olivia, Jane, and Abbie looked at each other in bleary, drunken confusion. Alex pressed her lips into a thin pink line. Stepping over to Olivia's side of the door, she gave her girlfriend's backside a sharp pinch. "A brunette that's been telling too many blonde jokes."
"Hey, ow! That hurt!"
"Come on, you big baby, I should tuck you in before you get in any more trouble."
"You're already in trouble, Jane," Maura added. "You're supposed to be a detective. You should know that the pigmentation of a woman's hair has nothing to do with her intelligence, real or perceived."
"Blondes get discriminated against all the time."
"No, Serena," Alex corrected her friend, "we get hit on all the time."
The shorter blonde shrugged at Alex. "Eh, same thing. Did Seinfeld ever put the moves on you in chambers?"
Alex snorted. "Did he ever."
"He didn't hit on me, but I slept with both of his assistants," Abbie said, sounding pleased with herself, but not pleased enough to make Serena angry. She knew that Abbie's "war stories" were mostly for show, and whenever she felt the stirrings of jealousy, she reminded herself that none of the other women had ever rated a second date, and the idea of a relationship with them was completely out of the question. In that respect, she was unique.
"I knew there was something I didn't like about that creeper," Olivia mumbled, casting another forlorn look at the chair before deciding that she was really better off against the wall. Besides, that was where Alex was, and Alex smelled good. She leaned her head against the blonde's shoulder, her eyes drifting shut.
"My knight in shining armor," Alex drawled, her tone caught somewhere in between annoyance and amusement. "All right, Olivia mine, you look like you're about to fall over and I'm tired. Bedtime." She would probably never admit it, but it was nice to see Olivia let her guard down for a change. Her lover rarely drank at all, and Alex knew that she was afraid of becoming an alcoholic like her mother. She decided to compliment her lover on her restraint the next morning, just in case her hangover conjured up bad memories from the recesses of her mind.
Abbie waggled her eyebrows. "Bedtime? Yeah right... you two might as well just call it 'sex time' for accuracy's sake."
"Ha ha ha. Your manners are even more impeccable while drunk, Carmichael. Now, you and Serena need to leave. It's..." the attorney glanced at the digital clock on the nightstand provided by the hotel. "Past 1:00 AM. Oh, and make sure to find Jane and Maura a cab-"
"This isn't New York City," Abbie grumbled, while Jane said "that really isn't necessary" at the same time.
"Why do we have to leave?" Serena pouted. She had already taken her shoes off and was rubbing the arches of both feet. Getting tired of massaging her own feet, she plopped them in Abbie's lap, allowing the brunette to take over.
"I told you not to borrow Alex's shoes, Ser. The heel is too high for you."
"But they're nice shoes..."
"Yes, they are nice shoes, thank you, Serena - and you two have to leave because this is the hotel room that I paid for. Yours is on the floor below us, if I recall."
"I hope we're not right under you or we'll never get any peace."
Maura gave Olivia an amused look. "Is this much banter a normal part of your interactions?" she asked.
Olivia shook her head. "They're being downright friendly tonight. You haven't seen anything yet."
"Now I'm intrigued. I suppose we should trade contact information."
Jane laughed. "That's her way of asking for one of your cell numbers. Maura's a little..."
"Loquacious?" Alex suggested, urging Olivia over to the bed and undoing the detective's leather jacket, more for her own pleasure than because Olivia was unable to use her fingers. Despite her slightly unsteady walk, Olivia was not really that drunk, only a little buzzed.
"Here," said Abbie, tossing Jane her cell phone, which the Boston detective easily caught with her quick reflexes. "Wow, how did you catch that? Aren't you still drunk? Oh well, type your number in here, long lost twin of mine. Maybe we can hook up tomorrow for brunch or something."
Maura examined her lover, who was swaying a little and looked completely worn out, even though she had managed to catch the phone and correctly remember her own contact information. "Maybe a late lunch. I have a feeling all six of us are going to want to sleep in tomorrow."
"Don't you think you're a little old to be drinking so much?" Serena chided gently.
Abbie closed her eyes and settled her head back against the double stack of hotel pillows, wishing that they had thought to close the blinds the night before. Sunlight was streaming in through the open slats, and the brightness was bothering her even with her eyes shut. "I'm improvin' with age," she said in a husky voice, her southern accent very obvious. "I know where I was last night, who I was with, what I did, and most importantly, I know the person I woke up next to in the mornin'. That's kind of a nice feeling. Compared to some of the stuff I did in years gone by, that's downright mature behavior."
Despite the lighthearted tone with which the statement was delivered, Serena knew Abbie well enough to guess that she was being serious. "I'm glad you decided you like waking up next to me," she said, giving Abbie a second kiss on the forehead. "Do you want me to get some toast?" A hand stroked up Abbie's leg, tugging at the side of her panties. "Why on earth did you fall asleep in a thong?"
"I wore a thong so I wouldn't have panty lines, and I was too drunk and too damn tired to take it off. Strange, though, 'cuz I got the skirt off just fine."
Serena rolled her eyes. "I was the one who took your skirt off, but you kept grabbing my breasts, and then you fell asleep and snored loud enough to wake the dead."
Abbie blushed. "Did I really? I'm sorry..."
That made the blonde laugh. "No. You didn't snore. I would have nudged you to make you roll onto your back. But you did grab my breasts."
"Oh, that's all right, then." The dark haired Texan's hands drifted up Serena's naked stomach, taking pleasure in the feel of bare flesh under her palms. "Like this?" she said, squeezing the two subjects of their discussion.
Serena made a soft sound of pleasure in the back of her throat. "Hmm... I'm not sure. Maybe you should try again..." Her lover was more than happy to comply, letting one of her thighs drift between Serena's legs as she rolled an excited nipple between the thumb and index finger of her right hand.
"There was always something... different... about touching you, something that wasn't there with the others," Abbie hummed in Serena's ear, grazing the sensitive shell with even white teeth, "even back when we first met... I'm a fool for taking so long to realize what it was."
The only other time Abbie had ever mentioned other women while making love with Serena had been the first time. She had whispered reassurances, trying her very best to convince Serena that no one else in her past could hold a candle to her, but after that, both of them had agreed that it was better not to rub salt in old wounds and let it be. But this time, instead of drawing her attention to Abbie's past and dampening the mood, the soft reminder made Serena's heart swell with joy.
"You caught the train," Serena said, still a little dazed. She kissed the ball of Abbie's shoulder, pausing to nuzzle the soft skin of her inner wrist and pressing a kiss to each fingertip. "I love your hands..."
"Mmm? What?" It was Abbie's turn to sound dazed, her mind still fuzzy.
"Because of how good they always make me feel."
Abbie grinned before sucking on one of Serena's fingers and capturing it between her teeth. When she released it, she gave her lover a roguish wink. "You know what they say. Save a horse, ride a cowgirl..."
Jane was having a very confusing dream. She was on a tropical island, and clones of herself were serving her piña coladas as she lounged in a beach chair under an umbrella. Maura was curled up on a towel beside her, wearing a bikini and a floppy sun hat. She was reading an anatomy textbook, which Jane found a little redundant, since Maura already knew almost all there was to know about human anatomy. Secretly, the blonde preferred grisly horror novels, which Jane hated because they reminded her too much of the job. There was no accounting for taste, she supposed.
That was when Jane's mother replaced one of Jane's friendly clones. "Jane, you didn't call me last Friday! Did I tell you that Mrs. Grisbaum's son is getting married? I'm making tortellini and sour cream for you tonight and bringing a nice young man over for you to meet, so don't be late."
"Ma, this is my dream... leave me alone!" Jane complained, glancing down at Maura for support. Unfortunately, the medical examiner was still engrossed in her textbook... or, at least, she was pretending to be. "I told you that I'm dating Maura... and I'm a lesbian."
"Oh well, I still expect you to give me grandchildren! All the lesbians are doing it these days..."
Squeezing her eyes shut tight, she began chanting, "go away, go away, go away..." under her breath. To her surprise, when she opened her eyes again, the image of her mother gradually faded away into nothingness. "Wow," she said, looking at the empty space around her with a sense of pride. "This is cool." The clones of herself were gone too (and so, unfortunately, were the piña coladas), but Maura was still beside her, nose buried in a Stephen King novel.
Maybe I'm having one of those lucid dreams, Jane thought. Of course, that gave her other ideas. "Hey, Maura," she said, looking down at her blonde lover, "take off your top." Tossing the Boston detective a seductive look through half-lowered lids, the blonde lifted two pales arms, lightly freckled from the golden sun, and reached around her torso to untie her bikini top...
A persistent poking sensation at her shoulder roused Jane from her dream. "Dammit!" she grumbled, closing her eyes and burrowing deeper under the covers. "No no no..."
"Jane? What on earth are you doing?" Maura's voice drew Jane out of her protective cocoon, and she opened one eye a crack to realize that she was facing the wrong direction on the bed. "You were moving around and talking in your sleep, so I decided to wake you up."
The dark-haired woman pouted. "You ruined my dream," she said, ignoring the bothersome sunlight pouring in through the open blinds and flipping over so that her head was near Maura's again.
"Was it a good dream?" the blonde medical examiner teased, pressing a teasing thigh between her lover's legs.
Jane groaned. "It was a terrible dream, but it was getting good when you woke me up. We were on a beach and you were wearing a bikini..."
"That sounds like a nice dream."
"-and then my mother appeared."
"Jane..."
"And said we had to give her grandchildren-"
"That's a nightmare."
"Then I asked her to go away, and she disappeared. Since I seemed to be able to control what happened, I asked you to take off your top. You woke me up before I got to see anything, though," Jane pouted.
Maura smiled, combing her fingers through disheveled dark curls and kissing Jane's chin. "Well, it's a good thing I decided not to wake you up with oral sex, then. It would have been terribly awkward with your mother being in the dream..."
Jane's cheeks flushed. "Um. I'm awake now..."
Don't hurt me... no more.
What is lo-
Olivia groaned, slapping the front of her cell phone until one of the buttons silenced the annoying song. "What?" she mumbled, not realizing that she had accidentally hung up on the caller. When there was no response, she closed her eyes again and rolled over onto the empty right side of the double bed. Realizing that there was no warm body for her to hold, she began to feel around, trying to figure out what had happened to Alex.
What is love? Baby don't hurt me...
Don't hurt me... no more.
Wh-
Olivia got to the phone quicker this time, but not soon enough. Her head was pounding and it took her a few moments to read the blurry letters on her phone's illuminated screen. 'The Old Ball and Chain'? What the hell...? Finally, she just decided to answer it.
"Olivia, pick up the goddam- oh, hi."
"Alex?" she croaked, her voice raspy from dehydration. It did, however, explain why the blonde was not in bed next to her. "Hon? S'at you?"
"Yes, it's me. Get out of bed and open the door to our hotel room. I'm locked out."
"Ungh." Too tired to remember to hang up the phone, Olivia left it on the bed and slumped towards the door, rubbing at one eye and opening the metallic handle with a click. Alex was waiting outside, already dressed and carrying coffee and a bagel. To Olivia's tired eyes, she looked like a goddess.
"She awakens! You look like the living dead. And why did you give me that godawful ringtone? I could hear it through the door. I didn't want to knock loud enough to bother the people next to us..."
"Didn't," Olivia muttered, hooking a possessive arm around Alex's waist and dragging her back to bed. "C'mere." Having reclaimed her missing mate, the detective fell back onto the bed and tried to pull Alex with her. "Sleep now."
"It's almost noon, Olivia, and I'm already dressed. I'm not getting back in bed." Reaching for the phone, Alex stared down at the screen. "You have me listed under 'The Old Ball and Chain'?" she asked, sounding less than amused.
"Not me," Olivia said, burying her face in the pillow. The cup of coffee in Alex's hand, however, smelled very good, and she was beginning to wake up properly. "Prob'ly Munch."
"You should have known better than to let Munch get a hold of your cell phone," Alex said, unsympathetic. She shook the brunette's shoulder and forced the cup of coffee into her hand when she sat up. "I even got that decaf crap you like. Drink that while I get you some water and pain relievers for the headache I know you've got."
"Thanks. How did you get locked out?"
"Key card stopped working."
"Did you put it next to your cell phone?"
Alex shrugged. "Maybe. Don't remember. I guess I shouldn't have reamed out the desk clerk, then."
"Why didn't he give you a new key?"
"I guess I scared him a bit too much, because he wanted to accompany me back up the stairs to make sure it worked, and I didn't want him catching a free show."
Olivia looked down and realized that she was naked. "Oh," she said, watching Alex as she filled a tall glass of water and dug around in her purse for the tiny bottle of pills she always carried. "Eat the bagel. It will settle your stomach," she ordered, pointing imperiously at the forlorn looking bagel that sat on a white paper napkin. "I don't know why you're so picky about your cream cheese, but I put jam on it instead."
The detective suddenly realized that this was probably a little like what being married felt like. If that was true, she decided, it wasn't so bad. Obediently, she nibbled at the bagel and took the bitter tasting pills, chasing them with some water. "Sorry," she said, remembering the state she had been in the night before. Having Alex take care of her served as an unpleasant reminder of her own past. She had been in the attorney's position too many times to count.
"Olivia, you're a responsible adult and you very rarely indulge. Last night did not change my opinion of you at all. I think it's admirable that you are careful around alcohol because of your mother's past, but you are a different person than she was. You know your limits and don't test them, and I've never felt uncomfortable around you after you've been drinking, so please stop punishing yourself for a problem that doesn't even exist."
With her self-deprecating inner dialogue cut off before it could really begin, Olivia had no prepared response. Luckily, she was saved by the ringing of her cell phone, which was now playing 'Redneck Woman' at a very loud volume.
So here's to all my sisters out there
Keepin' it country...
Let's all get a big HELL YEAH
From the Redneck Girls like me
Olivia hurried to answer it before Gretchen Wilson could get to another 'Hell yeah'. "Hello, is that you, Abbie? Munch changed all my contact info and ring tones, so I'm not sure..."
"Well, howdy to you, too, Benson," said Abbie Carmichael. "And it's your own fault for letting him get near your phone."
"That's what Alex said," Olivia mumbled, shooting a glare at the laughing blonde standing beside the bed. She reached down to give Olivia's nipple a sharp tug, making the brunette yelp.
"Ooh, am I interrupting something? Sorry, I already got mine this morni- Ow! Serena!'
Olivia snickered. "I think both of us need to find some less-violent women."
"So, Munch changed your ring tones? What was mine?"
The detective grinned into the phone. "Redneck Woman."
"Hell yeah!" the federal prosecutor crowed. "Remind me to give that boy a big ol' hug next time I see him."
"At least it wasn't something sexually explicit."
"No, I'm past all that. My long-lost twin gave me a call this mornin' and asked if we wanted to get some brunch with her and Maura. I said I'd give you a call."
Olivia decided that brunch with Jane and Maura sounded fine, but looked up at Alex for confirmation. When the former ADA gave a nod of approval, Olivia said, "yeah, sure. Alex already ate, but I'm sure she'll come just to torment me. Ow!" The light slap to the back of Olivia's head was more surprising than painful, but earned an exclamation from her anyway.
"Tell Alex to stop hitting you and get some clothes on. We'll come pick you up in a few minutes."
"How do you know I don't have any clothes on?" Olivia asked suspiciously.
Abbie hmmed in response. "Lucky guess. Get dressed before we come up or Serena and Alex will both kick my pretty ass off the hotel roof. And you should keep my new ring tone, I like it!" Without saying goodbye, Abbie hung up, leaving Olivia scrambling off of the bed to find something to wear.
A short time later, the six women met up at a nearby restaurant. Thankfully, it was Saturday, and the breakfast buffet was open well past noon. Olivia and Jane immediately sat next to each other, which surprised Alex until she realized that there were three seats to each side, and their side happened to be facing the door so that they could keep an eye on the people entering and exiting the restaurant. Their cop rituals are so alike it's scary.
She slid in the other side of the booth opposite Olivia, allowing Maura to cozy up next to her while Abbie sat on the end. Serena took the open seat across from Abbie and next to Jane. "So, how did you and Jane meet?" Serena asked. "Was it at work?"
"Yes," said Maura, answering Serena's question. "She wasn't overly fond of me at first, and she still calls me the Queen of the Dead."
Alex snorted. "That's nothing. Olivia and her partner came up with some very creative nicknames for me during our first few weeks as colleagues. The 'Ice Princess' one was, perhaps, the most kind."
"Repressed sexual desire," Olivia said, glossing over the clashes they had experienced all those years ago. "And it didn't help that you were appointed to make sure my partner and I weren't a bunch of crazies."
"You're still sore about that Morris Commission thing? Honey, that was, what... over a decade ago?"
Maura looked surprised. "You two have known each other for that long?"
Olivia grinned. "Yep."
"And how long did it take you to enter a relationship?" Remembering her manners, Maura added a hasty, "if I'm not being too intrusive by asking, of course."
By this time, Alex was grinning, too. "Of course not." She took Olivia's hand under the table, which made Serena give them a look that clearly said 'that's adorable' while Abbie pretend to choke over her glass of orange juice. "Actually, we've only been together for about a year."
"It took you that long to convince her to put up with your ass, Benson?" Jane teased. Even though neither of them was on the job, the two cops were already acting like old colleagues.
"Actually, she pursued me... I didn't think I could trust her. It's kind of a long story."
Alex, ever the artist with words, decided to summarize. "A drug lord took pot shots at me because I wouldn't drop a rape case against one of his lieutenants, I had to go into Witness Protection, and when I came back to testify, I might have misled Olivia into believing that I was sleeping around in Nowhere, Wisconsin under an assumed identity." She looked appropriately repentant as she recounted the story. "Then I came back for good, didn't call her, got engaged to a man I hated, cheated on my fiancé with a scumbag at the DA's office because I hated myself, and went through a lot of therapy. After that, I decided to work with SVU again without giving Olivia any warning, and just when we were starting to treat each other civilly again, I announced to the world that I was going to the Congo to prosecute war criminals there."
"She sent me roses the next day," Olivia added with more than a hint of sarcasm.
Maura and Jane were shocked. In fact, the Boston detective's mouth was hanging open. "My God," she finally said. "And I thought our story was bad..."
"Oh, I don't know, I think it was pretty entertaining." Abbie gave her an encouraging look, and she explained. "Well, a few weeks after the lesbian bar fiasco that Jane told you about last night, we were investigating-"
"-I was investigating, you were just supposed to do the autopsies. But you couldn't keep from getting involved-"
Maura glared at her. "We were investigating a drug-related cop shooting. A certain someone forgot to log a package of cigarettes that contained key evidence. Then, the drug runners came in and started shooting people in the station."
Olivia's eyes widened. "I read about that in the Times. That was only a few months ago, right? You were there when it went down?"
"Yes, that was it. Anyway, they were looking for the cigarette pack-"
The brunette rolled her eyes. "You were too busy in the autopsy room trying to feed that damn turtle of yours and forgot to remind me."
"I did remind you, just before you got on the elevator. And Bass is a tortoise," Maura corrected her lover in a very superior voice. "You know that. He's a Sulcata tortoise. You only say turtle to make me angry."
"Turtle, tortoise, tomato, tomahto. I still say that thing hates me."
"He likes you, Jane. He always sticks his head out of his shell to say hello when you come visit."
"Yeah, and then he glares at me with those beady little eyes... Reptiles. Eugh." Secretly, Maura knew that Jane was very fond of Bass, and her professed hatred of him was an ongoing joke between them. After all, Bass had helped save Maura's life, if only indirectly.
"Okay, wait a minute," said Abbie, who was having trouble following the conversation. "So, there were people shooting at you in the station house, and you own a tortoise?"
"Yes," said Maura, as if being shot at and owning a tortoise was something that everyone did. "Jane's brother Frankie, who is also a police officer, was shot, and I had to perform emergency surgery to prevent his lungs from filling up with blood-"
"So there was a tortoise, guns, and emergency surgery?"
Deciding that Maura was taking way too long to tell the story, Jane jumped in. "The cop who was shot, his partner was dirty. When we found out, he took me as a hostage and Maura and Frankie got to an ambulance. By that time, we had contacted my partner and there was a SWAT team outside the building."
"And then Jane tried to be a hero and got herself shot. We had shared a few... encounters... before that, but almost losing her was the catalyst that forced me to admit my feelings for her."
Abbie whistled, clearly impressed. "Damn. Our story is downright boring compared to those two."
Serena shrugged. "Plenty of emotional drama, just not as many near-death experiences."
"I don't know about that," Abbie teased, "you almost killed me a few times. Serena was my replacement at the DA's office in New York. I met her, bedded her, and was too stupid to admit that I had a good thing going. We saw each other off and on a few times over the years, and that usually ended with me in some kind of physical pain. Then Alex decided to get off her ass and pursue Olivia, and I thought, 'what the hell. If those two crackpots can try to fix their relationship, which is way more messed up and complicated than mine and Serena's ever was, I have no excuse.' So I hopped on a train to DC and forced Alex to let me stay in the guest room until I had won the fair lady over."
The smaller blonde rolled her eyes. "You make it sound so romantic, darling."
"Hey, at least no one got shot in our love story."
...
Two hours later, the six women were still clustered around the same table. The waitress had already offered to deliver their check multiple times, but when Alex had taken her aside and whispered that they would compensate both her and the restaurant properly for continuing to take up space where they could be seating new customers, the waitress was more than happy to let the group stay for as long as they wanted.
Over the course of brunch, the conversation had meandered to several interesting destinations, never settling on one topic for too long. At the moment, they were in the middle of a game of 'Never Have I Ever', which had, surprisingly, been instigated by Maura. When the blonde medical examiner revealed that she had never been invited to a sleepover during her high school years (the traditions of the rich included society dos, it seemed, but not slumber parties where you painted your nails and talked about boys - or girls), Abbie had insisted that they play, even without alcohol.
"I can't believe we're doing this," Olivia groaned, taking a swig of her third glass of water. The hangover she had woken up with was beginning to recede now that she was sufficiently hydrated. "At... almost two in the afternoon in a restaurant, completely sober."
"It's for Maura's sake," Abbie said, nudging Olivia's shin with her foot. Unfortunately, she missed and hit Jane, who flinched and shot a glare at Alex, who she thought was the culprit. Alex then kicked Abbie for getting her in trouble, and she didn't miss. "Ow! Jeez, it was an accident, both of you. No need to hurt a person." She deliberately ignored the fact that she had been the one to kick first. "Your turn, Olivia."
"Fine, fine. Since we're all in some branch of Law Enforcement... Never Have I Ever... gone on a date with a suspect in one of my investigations. Serena, Alex, and Olivia did not drink (all of them had decided to ignore the fact that their beverages were non-alcoholic), but Abbie, Maura, and Jane did. The last two looked at each other with surprise.
"You did?" Maura asked. Jane blushed.
"It was before I met you. I was young and stupid... and he turned out to be guilty, too. The case almost got thrown out, and I learned my lesson."
The Irish medical examiner gave her a disapproving look. "At least I waited until the woman I asked on a date was eliminated as a suspect," she said.
It was Jane's turn to look disapproving. "A woman? Why didn't I know about this?"
"You knew you weren't the first woman I dated, Jane. Besides, you dated her, too... for five minutes."
"It was one of those creeper women from the dating website?"
"She was very attractive," Maura defended herself. "Her facial structure was very symmetrical and she had nice eyes. In fact, the reason I picked her was that she reminded me of you." Jane's expression softened, and then all of them looked at Abbie.
Abbie shrugged. "I hooked up with three women I prosecuted - after I lost and if I didn't think they did it." That made Serena groan. "I know that groan was about the number and not the fact that I prosecuted them, but hey, I don't choose which cases I take to trial. There were a few times Branch made the call and I disagreed with it."
"Actually, it was about both. Okay, moving on, please. Never have I ever faked an orgasm."
Everyone but Olivia drank. The detective looked shocked. "Wow, really? All five of you? You're too sympathetic." A horrible thought occurred to her, and she glanced at Alex. "Not with me, right?" she whispered, a little frantically. Alex snorted.
"Of course not with you, you idiot." Leaning forward over the table, she cupped her hand around her mouth and whispered into Olivia's ear, the one farthest from Jane. "You're the only person I've been able to with reliably, and only the second person to get me there at all."
The pretty blush that covered Olivia's cheeks pleased her, but four sets of eyes staring at her from the other side of the table distracted her. "Whispering sweet nothin's in Olivia's ear, Alex?" Abbie teased, dodging another kick under the table. This time, Jane foresaw the attack and lifted her legs up in time to keep from getting in the way.
"I was just saying that when you're a lesbian forcing yourself to sleep with stubborn men, it's kind of a requirement because they just won't quit until they think you're satisfied," she lied.
"Here here," Serena muttered. "Been there, done that."
"It's not just men," Abbie said. "I have never been with a man and I've encountered the same problem once or twice."
"Okay, my turn," Maura said, looking cheerful. "Never have I ever done it at work."
Jane's jaw dropped, firstly at the sexual nature of Maura's question, and secondly at her use of slang. Normally, she would have expected her lover to say 'sexual intercourse' or 'participated in coitus' or something along those lines. Thanks to Jane's influence, Maura did not use textbook terms for sex in the bedroom, but she was still uncomfortable using such 'unprofessional' language outside of it.
"You have to drink, Jane," Maura patiently reminded her girlfriend. "It's the rules." Still stunned, Jane took a swig of her afternoon coffee, heavy on the sugar.
Abbie also drank, and so did Serena, which caused Alex to grin. "Oh, are you both thinking of the story I'm thinking about?"
Serena laughed. "Actually, we did it in the photocopy room near Branch's office. Aside from the black eye I gave Abbie afterward, it was pretty amazing."
Abbie did a mock half-bow from her seated position. "I try. Oh, and we actually DID do it in McCoy's office..."
"Oh, I didn't know about that one," Alex said, looking interested.
"And the bathroom," Abbie added. Serena wrinkled her nose with distaste.
"I still say that's unsanitary..."
"At least it's better than a morgue."
Jane shuddered. "Ew, no. Maura and I have NEVER done it in the morgue. That's just... wrong."
"My morgue is perfectly sanitary," Maura argued. Jane gave her a long-suffering look. "But it would still be a very poor choice for such activities," she conceded.
"I may or may not have visited Olivia in the crib..." Alex said evasively.
Abbie laughed. "Oh jeez... And I slept in there once or twice... who knows how many other people used it for that? Ew."
Alex frowned at her. "This is coming from the woman who regularly has sex in both my guest room and master bedroom."
"That's not at work, and I was talking about other people, not you. We're practically sisters by now, Cabot. I already have your cooties."
"This conversation is making me extremely uncomfortable," Olivia said. "Whose turn is next?"
"I have one," said a familiar voice that still had the power to make Alex stand at attention. "Never have I ever been in jail." Everyone froze. Olivia stopped eating her pancakes mid-chew, and Serena nearly dropped her coffee mug.
Her hand shaking slightly, Alex took a drink from Olivia's glass, deliberately using the extra time to conceal her embarrassment and replace it with a well-practiced, neutral expression. "Hello, Your Honor," she said, standing and tilting her hips to move past Maura and Abbie, who gave her a reassuring pat on the behind. Alex made a mental note to hurt Abbie later. "This is certainly... unexpected."
Maura and Jane looked on in confusion as Alex stood to - perhaps not to greet, but to defend herself against the strange woman who had approached their table. Although not beautiful, she was impressive in a grand, powerful sort of way despite her age. "Who is that?" Maura mouthed across the table to Jane, not adding breath to her words. She knew that her detective was adept at reading lips.
Jane's shoulders shrugged. She had no idea. And so Maura decided to play investigator and look for clues. The woman was older, a few decades older than Alex, probably too old to be an ex. Their physical structure had almost no similarities, so she doubted that they were relatives, but she disliked making assumptions without conclusive DNA evidence. Human reproduction sometimes produced strange results.
Perhaps the biggest clue came when she returned her attention to Alex. The blonde woman was acting very differently. Her posture had improved, even though she carried herself well even in casual situations. This was not the same Alex who had captivated the dance floor by gyrating seductively to Apple Bottom Jeans the night before (and she had known all the words).
Ah, a colleague at work, then. Perhaps someone she had to answer to.
Jane nudged her foot under the table, obviously trying to remind her not to stare, but she continued for the sake of scientific research. A recent UCLA study had concluded that up to 93% of communication was nonverbal, and right now, Alexandra Cabot looked like she was mentally armoring herself for some kind of jousting tournament.
"-Your Honor. This is certainly... unexpected."
It clicked. Maura's imagination supplied the black robes and everything made sense.
"I could say the same, Ms. Cabot. I see your habit of placing yourself in uncomfortable situations both inside and outside of the courtroom hasn't changed. And as for you, Ms. Carmichael, have you finally succeeded in cloning yourself, or is the woman on the other side of the table some kind of relative? God help the female population of Provincetown either way."
Abbie looked positively thrilled. "No such luck!" she sang, apparently feeling no need to stand up and face the infamous Lena Petrovsky on even ground. "We just met last night. That's Jane Rizzoli, Boston Homicide, and this is Dr. Maura Isles."
"I don't blame you for the confusion," Maura said. "Serena made the same mistake. Their cranial structure is remarkabl-"
"Shh, Maura!" Jane's foot nudged her calf under the table again. "Um, it's nice to meet you, ma'am," she said, getting unsteadily to her feet and pushing past Serena to shake hands. The shorter blonde lawyer was content to look on with amusement and not draw attention to herself.
"Lena Petrovsky," she said. "How refreshing to meet someone with good manners." Alex frowned. "Oh, don't look at me like that, Cabot. You have good manners - when you aren't busy grandstanding or trying to find ways to twist the law without getting caught."
"Coming from you, Your Honor, that sounds almost like a complement," Alex said dryly. She suddenly realized that, since she was no longer an employee of the New York County's District Attorney's Office, she could treat Petrovsky any way she liked.
"It was. And Detective Benson, please stop glaring a hole through my head. I promise I haven't come to send Alexandra off to jail - again."
"No, that was her fault," Olivia said. "I'm just shocked to see you in jeans and a sweater."
To everyone's surprise, Petrovsky laughed. "What, did you think those robes were attached or something?"
"I hope not." Abbie smirked.
"Ms. Carmichael," Petrovsky said, sounding slightly bored, "what have I told you about making sexually inappropriate comments in my courtroom?"
"This isn't your courtroom."
Petrovsky raised one eyebrow. "I happen to know your boss."
Abbie did not seem concerned. "I'll wear a short skirt."
"No, you won't. Leonard is a creeper," Serena muttered. She was not particularly fond of Abbie's boss, who seemed far too interested in both of them whenever she met Abbie for lunch or dropped off some papers she had forgotten (Abbie was a brilliant attorney with a gift for improvisation, but not particularly organized at times).
"Astute as always, Serena. But no more so than Seinfeld."
"Did you just call Seinfeld a creeper?" Alex asked disbelievingly. She had never imagined a conversation quite like this ever taking place with Petrovsky - even in her worst nightmares. And Petrovsky had made several appearances in her nightmares over the years.
"Actually, I believe Jamie Ross said it first."
Abbie folded her arms proudly over her chest. "Yep. Slept with her, too."
"Oh come on, I don't even believe half the stuff you tell me anymore." Olivia rolled her eyes.
Maura shrugged. "Abbie is very attractive," she pointed out. "I believe she would not have a difficult time finding romantic partners."
"I'm going to pretend you're saying that about me since we look so much alike," Jane added.
Olivia would not be deterred. "But Ross, Abbie? You slept with a judge?"
"She's attractive, and she wasn't a judge then," Abbie protested. "Besides, she's got a husband and twins now, I'm not a homewrecker."
"No, you just like to make my life miserable."
"And here I thought that was my job," Petrovsky said. "Good for you, Ms. Carmichael. I'm glad someone has taken over bothering Alexandra in my absence."
Abbie grinned. "I knew I liked you! Pull up a chair!"
Jane sighed, putting up with the humiliating story because she knew Maura enjoyed telling it. It was definitely not one of her proudest moments. "And, of course, the reporters who were there took a lot of pictures. Her face was on the front of the local news page the next day. I think there's even a video on youtube..."
Abbie took out her iPhone. "Ooh, let me find it! What should I type in? Cop Attacked By Wild Ferret?"
Maura grinned deviously. "Go for it."
Petrovsky leaned in to look at the screen over Abbie's shoulder with unabashed interest. Serena was still laughing into the palm of her hand. Jane rolled her eyes. "Hey, Maura, maybe I should tell the story about the time you showed up to our ball game in a wetsuit."
"It wasn't a wetsuit, it was a therma-"
"It looked like a wetsuit... or some kind of alien Halloween costume."
"I did hit the ball, if you remember," Maura said, sounding proud instead of embarrassed.
"You're a baseball fan, Jane?" Olivia asked. Jane nodded. "You'd get along great with our friend Casey Novak, then. Wait - you're not a Yankees fan, are you?"
"Ugh, no! Red Sox all the way. What do you think I am, crazy? Anyone walking around in Yankees gear anywhere near Southie would get their face smashed in."
"That's an exaggeration, Jane. In most circumstances, I think they would only receive mild drunken harassment on game days and perhaps dirty looks on an elevator."
Alex grinned wickedly. "Olivia has a Yankees hat and shirt," she told Maura.
"Casey gave them to me!" Olivia protested as Jane started to glare at her. "You know I root for the Mets, you're just trying to cause trouble! I'm not out to shed blood over baseball, but Casey is a hardcore Yankees fan and I want to make sure she won't kill Jane if they ever run in to each other sometime in the future."
"Oh my!" They were both interrupted by a startled exclamation from Petrovsky, who was laughing at the image on Abbie's iPhone.
"You are so materialistic," Serena said, glaring at her lover. "She had to get one as soon as it came out... she thinks it makes her hotter or something." Alex, who also disliked iPhones (although she was a Mac user, much to Olivia's chagrin), was nonetheless intrigued enough to take the device from Abbie so that all three of them could see.
"Damn, Jane, watch out for that tree," Abbie drawled after watching a miniature version of the detective run face first into a sturdy trunk that happened to be nearby. "Ouch... I bet you looked like the dog had been keepin' you under the porch after that mess."
Maura looked confused. "Why on earth would Joe Friday be keeping you underneath a porch, Jane?"
Olivia patted her arm. "Don't worry, Maura. None of us understand Abbie most days, either."
Fortunately, Alex understood what she meant, having been a frequent 'test subject' for Abbie's colorful slang. "It's a Texan saying that means 'ugly', which I assume she was after the bruising," she clarified, still laughing at the video. "Ferret: 1. Jane: 0."
"Was the ferret all right?" Serena asked, since she couldn't see the screen.
"Was the ferret all right?" Jane repeated in a low, irritated mutter. "The damn thing was fine. Korsak rescued it before he helped me stop the bleeding."
Olivia groaned, rummaging around in her purse to stop the Teletubbies theme song from playing. Before the Teletubbies could say "Eh-oh!", Olivia finally managed to answer the phone, pausing to shoot a glare at a sniggering Petrovsky and a smirking Alex.
Abbie, who was covering her mouth with her hand to try and stifle her laughter, bumped her shoulder into Olivia's playfully. "Who is that?"
"I'm not sure that I want to know," Olivia sighed, uncovering the receiver. "Benson."
"Damn, girl, you supposed to be on vacation. What's the last name for?"
"Fin! Your partner is a sick, sick man."
"Aw, hell no. What'd his bony ass do this time?"
Serena snorted, a far stretch from the dignified way that she usually held herself. "That's Fin? Don't tell him, Olivia! He'll kill Munch..."
Petrovsky rolled her eyes. "Those two are like a married couple."
"Did you know that the conservative pastor and televangelist Jerry Falwell accused the Tinky Winky character of being a gay role model for infants and toddlers because of his purple color and the triangular shaped antennae on his head?" Maura asked. "Also, using television as a teaching medium for the developing brains of small children is still a controversial subject-"
Jane groaned, cradling her forehead in her hand. "I can't take you anywhere, can I?"
Fin, who could hear snatches of the conversation from the other end of the line (partially due to Olivia's excellent cell phone service), started to grow confused. "Liv, am I hearing right? Munch and I are married, and now we're Teletubbies?"
Abbie giggled. "Aw hell, we already knew that."
"Okay," Olivia said, raising her voice to cut through the confusion. "Fin, if you see Tinky Winky, tell him that his ass is mine once I get back from vacation. He changed all the IDs and ringtones on my cell phone."
"Yeah? What was I?"
"Teletubbies ringtone and the ID said 'Token Black Guy'."
"Oh no he didn't. That old bastard's really askin' for it this time."
Petrovsky raised her eyebrows. "John Munch changed all of Olivia's ringtones?" she asked Alex. "Dare I ask what yours was?"
The blonde attorney just shook her head and took another sip of her water to avoid speaking. Abbie was more than willing to fill the judge in, however. "He put me as 'Redneck Woman' and Alex got 'What Is Love'."
"Be grateful that you're not on my speed dial, Lena," Alex said dryly. "I considered using the Wicked Witch theme from The Wizard of Oz for your number."
Maura's face brightened. "Did you know that several literary critics have interpreted The Wonderful Wizard of Oz as a commentary on the Gold Standard and the politics of America in the 1890s?" she asked excitedly. "The Wicked Witch of the West actually represented the western railroads, and the Cowardly Lion was a caricature of-"
"William Jennings Bryan," Alex interrupted. "My second major was literature for my undergraduate degree."
"Really? Can you believe that, for sixty years, that interpretation didn't even exist until a high school English teacher named Littleton..."
A frustrated Jane Rizzoli put a gentle finger over Maura's lips, forcing her to stop talking. "I think it's really sexy when you turn into a walking dictionary, but please don't ruin Judy Garland for me, honey."
"Jane, are you insinuating that you like to taste the rainbow?"
The detective choked. "Oh my god, that is wrong on so many levels..."
"I thought it was rather clever," Petrovsky added her two cents.
Beside them, Olivia was finishing up her conversation with Fin, leaning away from the booth and using her arm to try and muffle the noise. "Listen, I gotta go. You know how it is... yeah... Uh-huh... I'm at a table with six ladies and I'm talking to you, bonehead. What's wrong with me?"
When she ended the call, Olivia turned to Alex, about to explain what had prompted Fin to contact her, when another cell phone started ringing, this time with a regular vibrating sound. Automatically, the other six women checked their respective purses to find out which of them was being contacted. Petrovsky was the lucky winner, and Alex, Abbie, and Serena could not help raising their eyebrows at the sleek, expensive black phone that she held to her ear. "Hello... yes? What, really?" Dismayed, Petrovsky held the phone away to check the time. "Well, damn it." Wearing an irritated expression that Alex was very familiar with, she hung up without saying goodbye.
"Uh-oh," Abbie said in a mock-whisper, "someone's about to have their balls nailed to the wall."
"Ovaries," Petrovsky corrected flatly. "My nieces are getting married tomorrow. It's why I'm in Provincetown, actually."
"Congratulations," Maura said with a broad smile. "That must be very exciting for you."
"Yes and no. It's a double wedding. Chelsea is my favorite relative and her future husband is a fine young man, but her sister, Theresa, is a nightmare, and I've been dreading this trip since they announced the wedding six months ago."
Jane, who was uncomfortable in loud, social gatherings that involved dress clothes instead of jeans and baseball jerseys, nodded in sympathy with the forlorn looking judge. "At least it's not an Italian wedding," she offered.
"I would prefer that. At least those have decent food. In addition to being terribly spoiled, Theresa is always on some sort of diet, and she'll probably bully the caterers in to serving everyone something pretentious and inedible."
Alex understood completely. She had eaten similar meals at society gatherings, and in her secret heart of hearts, she really preferred pizza and alcohol. Except for an occasional sip from Olivia's beer, she usually substituted wine, but the idea was the same.
"Why is she going along with it?"
"Because their mother insisted, and Chelsea doesn't want to disappoint her. She also realizes that a wedding is only a ceremony. A special, life-changing ceremony, of course, but what really matters is the life you get to live afterwards."
"That was incredibly romantic," Maura said, gripping Jane's hand lightly under the table. Even though she was not overly fond of public displays of affection, the tough detective allowed her girlfriend to keep hold, even smiling when the pad of Maura's thumb stroked her knuckles and the scars on the back of her hand.
"Poor Chelsea. I would never let anyone push me around like that," Abbie stated vehemently.
There was a moment's pause as everyone around the table turned to look at Petrovsky. Her eyes brightened with mischief as a sudden idea blossomed in her scheming brain, and she rubbed her hands together gleefully, looking almost like a plotting supervillain from a 1960s pulp comic.
"Um, Your Hono- Lena... are you all right?" Alex asked, concern lacing her voice.
"I'm perfectly fine, Alexandra. I've just had an idea. An awful idea. A wonderful, awful idea."
"Uh-oh," Serena whispered.
"How would you ladies like to be my guests at the wedding rehearsal dinner this evening? It would annoy my sister and Theresa immensely, and I'm sure it would amuse Chelsea and her fiancé. I'm not cruel enough to disrupt the actual wedding ceremony, but this is just the rehearsal dinner. I'm sure the six of you can be very entertaining after a few drinks..."
"A hitchin'? Hell, yeah!" Abbie crowed. "We've got nothing better to do."
Alex rolled her eyes. "Abbie blocks time out in her schedule to annoy other people."
"Yeah, well, you just got lucky, Cabot, because your name got crossed off in my day planner and I'm substituting Petrovsky's niece."
"I'm not sure this is a very good idea," Olivia protested, ever the voice of reason. Alex would have a good time - as much as she pretended to dislike Abbie's antics, she secretly enjoyed making snide comments from the sidelines - but something about the suggestion seemed funny to her.
"C'mon, Benson," Jane said, "free drinks! You're not gonna turn down that."
Olivia shook her head. "Fine, whatever. But I'll be the designated driver tonight, and if you five - six -" she amended, glancing at Petrovsky, "get into more trouble than you can handle, I'm not bailing you out."
"Damn..." Abbie Carmichael let out a low, impressed whistle at the size of the reception hall, eyeing the high ceilings and elegant, cloth-draped tables with approval. "Hey, Petrovsky, how much did they shell out for this wedding?"
Lena Petrovsky rolled her eyes. Unfortunately, she had come to expect this kind of behavior from Abbie even though they had not seen each other in several years. "Has anyone ever told you that you are incredibly rude, Ms. Carmichael?"
"A time or two," Abbie said, rocking back on her heels and placing her hands behind her back in an unconvincing gesture of innocence.
"Are you sure we're allowed to be here?" Jane asked Alex, who looked just as out of place as she felt even though she still carried herself with a respectable amount of poise and grace.
"Not entirely," Alex murmured. "I have a feeling Petrovsky is up to something."
"Y'know, at first I was pretty freaked out when I saw Abbie. Then I thought it was pretty cool having a body double. Now I'm just terrified that she's going to ruin my name and get into trouble somehow... what if she streaked through the rehearsal dinner and they posted her picture on the internet?" Jane asked, her eyes widening in horror. "If it went viral, I'd never be able to convince the guys at work it wasn't me."
"Nonsense, Jane," said Maura, who was listening to their conversation with unconcealed interest. "You have a heart shaped birthmark above your left buttock that I'm sure Abbie does not possess. Its absence in the photographic evidence would clear you of any wrongdoing."
"Too much information," Jane hissed, resisting the temptation to clamp a hand over the blonde medical examiner's pretty mouth. She was gorgeous, intelligent, and fascinating to converse with, but sometimes she really wished that Maura would keep certain facts to herself.
"Aunt Lena? Wow, you have an entire posse! Are you a gang leader now?" All six of the younger women turned to look in the direction of the new voice, watching as a woman with curly brown hair and a rosy, smiling face approached them in a sleek purple dress. Not many people could pull that color off, but she looked very nice. Alex and Maura glanced at each other, then back to the woman, and nodded their approval.
"Hello, Chelsea," Petrovsky said fondly, opening her arms for a hug and greeting her niece. "I thought I would bring the entertainment tonight."
"Please tell me you didn't hire prostitutes," the bride-to-be added cheerfully. "Oh well, if you did, at least they're expensive ones! I think that's a Vuitton handbag?"
Maura smiled down at the bag. "Despite your insinuation that I am a prostitute, which I am going to assume is a joke, I am glad that you appreciate my handbag."
Jane, who was looking particularly smug, nudged Olivia with her elbow. "Handbags get you laid, girl," she said to her fellow detective in a loud whisper. "Trust me..."
"For Alex, it's shoes," Olivia responded.
Alex laughed. "I suppose both Maura and I are easily bought. Hello, Chelsea... Petrovsky?"
"Yes. Aunt Lena is my father's older sister," Chelsea explained. "And you are?"
"Alexandra Cabot."
Chelsea laughed. "Really? Aunt Lena has told me stories about you! You're the one she threw in jail all those years ago for being a smartass in her court, right? She tells that story all the time." Both Alex and Olivia were relieved that Chelsea did not bring up Alex's fake death and stint in WITSEC, although they could tell from her actions that she knew about it. Surely Petrovsky had mentioned the shooting and subsequent resurrection of her (secret) favorite ADA.
Alex had the decency to blush while Olivia sported an evil grin on her face. Yeah, well, this smart ass is all mine, she said, placing a possessive hand on Alex's behind. "That'd be right," she said, extending her other hand for a shake. "I'm Detective Olivia Benson. I doubt your Aunt has mentioned me by name, but I'm sure I've given her my fair share of headaches over the years as well."
"Also right," Petrovsky mumbled.
Chelsea shook her hand. "And who are the twins?" she asked, gesturing from Jane to Abbie.
"Actually, funny story... we just met last night. I'm Detective Jane Rizzoli and this is my girlfriend, Maura."
"I'm the chief medical examiner for the Boston PD."
"And I'm Abbie Carmichael... another former ADA that argued a few court cases before your Aunt. I think I gave her more headaches than Alex-"
"-with your outside the courtroom behavior," Petrovsky quipped.
"-and this is my girlfriend, Serena. She actually took my job when I went to work for the Feds."
Chelsea's eyes widened. "Aunt Lena, you brought six law enforcement lesbians to my wedding reception?" For a moment, Olivia was worried that the young woman was upset. Then, Chelsea squealed and gave Petrovsky a giant, bone-crushing hug. "That's so awesome! It's the best wedding gift ever! They'll terrify Mother."
"That's us," Jane joked, "the Law Enforcement Lesbians. We should be like the Justice League and form our own group. I call Batman!"
"Would that make me Robin?" Maura asked, not sounding pleased with the prospect. "The online comic fan community often infers that they are in a homosexual relationship as a joke."
"Nah, you know who you'd be? Jean Grey from X-Men... You don't look like her at all, but she's got telekinesis and telepathy and uses her brain for all this cool stuff."
"Ooh, can I be Catwoman?" Abbie drawled, trailing a teasing finger over Serena's exposed collarbone, making the blonde shiver. "I do own a latex corset somewhere..."
"Saving the world when it's in trouble..." She shot a glance at Abbie from the corner of her eye. The Texan was looking longingly over at the buffet table, which the servers were beginning to set up. "Or maybe causing it."
"You got that right, sweet cheeks," Abbie said. "C'mon, I wanna meet this mother of yours, Chelsea."
Alex groaned. "Oh no... just don't let Abbie get her paws on any more alcohol. She'll probably do something even more stupid than usual."
"Hey, I resemble that remark! I'm not stupid, just..."
"Annoying?" Olivia substituted. Alex, who was getting tired of the distracting touch on her behind, carefully removed Olivia's hand when she noticed Petrovsky watching them with a subtle smirk. Even though she had gotten to know more about the Judge in the last few hours than she had ever imagined she would want to, she was still a little uncomfortable. Sometimes she forgot that she had not returned to the District Attorney's office yet, so she and Olivia were not required to hide their relationship.
"May I ask a favor of you six?" Chelsea smoothed down the front of her dress, glancing over her shoulder to check on the guests arriving and sitting down at the tables. "It's free seating tonight, but I think I want you over at my table." She gestured to the big table in the front. "Some of the cousins will probably throw a fuss, but I think it'll drive my twin and my mother absolutely insane. It'll be payback for the hell they've put me through for the past few months getting ready for this shindig. I swear, Theresa has become a total Bridezilla. It's well past the point where Jason and I just want to elope."
Alex gave Olivia a nudge. "Olivia and I felt a little like that when we told our colleagues at work about our relationship," she said. "Spending a week on some exotic island sounded a lot more appealing than coming clean with our friends. The teasing still hasn't stopped and it's been over a year."
Abbie gave her friend a playful hip bump. "Hey, Cabot, it's hard to score points against you. I'm gonna take any advantage I can get!"
"You're just jealous," Olivia said, leaning over to give the taller blonde attorney a kiss.
They were interrupted by the sound of a throat being cleared no more than a few feet away.
Slowly, Olivia pulled away, breaking the short kiss. It had not been inappropriate, but she still felt a little embarrassed. Alex's expression, however, was cool and unreadable as she turned to face the noise. "Yes?"
"Who, may I ask, are you, and why are you kissing another woman at my wedding reception?"
"My name is Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot, I believe I am a guest of your sister-in-law's, and I am kissing Olivia Benson, who happens to be the love of my life. Why do you ask?"
Completely taken aback by Alex's succinct answer to her question, the older woman began sputtering. The wind had been taken out of her sails, and she had no idea how to respond. However, like the stubborn mule she was, Lena Petrovsky's sister-in-law picked herself back up, put on her best glare, and said, "I hardly think that is appropriate behavior for a wedding!"
"Would you prefer a funeral?" Maura deadpanned.
The joke was so droll and unexpected that everyone else at the table burst out in uncontrollable laughter. The tense moment was instantly broken.
"I'm sorry," Chelsea gasped while the rest of the women tried to regain some of their lost composure. "Mom, this is Alexandra Cabot, Olivia Benson, Abbie Carmichael, Serena Southerlyn, Jane Rizzoli, and Maura Isles. Aunt Lena brought them. Isn't it wonderful?"
Trying not to look flustered by the numerous names and the strange, eccentric group of women they belonged to, Chelsea's mother settled for a disapproving frown. "Well, my name is Maria Statler Petrovsky, and I happen to be the mother of the brides at this pre-wedding dinner, and -"
"Don't lecture them, Maria," Lena said, adopting a tone of bored disinterest now that her laughter had faded away. "They are here as my guests." Jane was still snickering in the space to her left.
"That was brilliant, Maur!" she whispered, her voice far too loud despite her efforts.
The medical examiner smiled, pleased with her successful comedic timing. She did not usually read social cues well enough to pull off one-liners successfully. "Thank you, darling."
"Oh goodness... are they all...?"
"Drunk? Not yet!" Abbie piped up.
Serena fluffed her hair. "Gorgeous? Your daughter did ask if we were prostitutes..."
"Insane?" Olivia muttered. She figured her guess was probably closest. "Yeah, they are. All five of them." She shot another glance at Petrovsky. "Excuse me, six."
Maria Statler Petrovsky looked as though she had just swallowed a frog. Her complexion was turning a very unnatural shade of green, at any rate.
"I think she wants to know if we're all gay, Olivia," said Jane.
"We aren't." Maura smiled. "Olivia and I are actually bisexual, which is a healthy variation of female human sexuality, most effectively demonstrated by the Kinse-"
"Maura, hush!" Jane put a finger to Maura's lips.
"Lena, why on earth did you bring six... six..."
"You can say the word lesbian without catching it, Mom," Chelsea said cheerfully. She was very much enjoying the sight of her mother being "harassed" (even though the six unlisted guests had not done anything very bad... yet).
"... these people to Chelsea and Theresa's rehearsal dinner! They aren't included in the wedding party!"
"I wish they were," Chelsea muttered. "They're more fun than Cousin Beatrice."
"Lena was kind enough to ask us here for a drink and some socializing," Alex said, automatically slipping in to the role of speaker for the group. "We were grateful for the invitation."
"I must admit, it was a surprise to see four acquaintances from work gathered in Provincetown -"
"In a gay bar!" Abbie added.
Maria Petrovsky's complexion turned an even more vivid shade of vermillion at that pronouncement. Obviously, she did not approve of homosexuality, whether it was present at her twin daughters' wedding party or not, and gay bars were even worse. The idea of her sister in law frequenting a gay bar was unthinkable.
She couldn't really blame Maria for being uncomfortable with that one, Alex decided as she considered the situation. She wouldn't want to run in to Petrovsky at a gay bar either. Seeing her at a diner was all well and good, but a gay bar? Too much.
"I wasn't present, but I hear they had a lovely time," Petrovsky corrected gently. Maria could not seem to decide whether this information should relieve or horrify her.
"Really! I'm shocked that you associate with such people, Lena, particularly in your line of work," she said, the first name tumbling awkwardly from her lips, which were too thin to be welcoming.
"In my line of work, I meet rapists and murderers every day. Besides, Alex Cabot is a well-bred Manhattan socialite, and Maura Isles comes from one of the richest families in Boston."
Maura blushed. "The tri-state area, actually," she said modestly.
Alex's eyes suddenly widened. "Wait, you're that Maura Isles? No wonder your name sounded so familiar. It wasn't just that we knew each other through Melinda Warner."
"I suspected that you were one of the New York Cabots, but I had no idea you were the heir to their sizable monetary assets." For someone born in to money, Maura seemed almost uncomfortable talking about it. "I suppose we have other mutual acquaintances."
"I should say so..."
Jane snorted. "Well, Maur, I wish all your rich society friends were as fun after a few tequilas as Alex!"
"Are you saying that because she gave Detective Benson a lap dance yesterday evening?"
Petrovsky grinned wickedly, Chelsea laughed, Abbie and Serena high-fived, and Maria looked as though she were about to faint. Immediately concerned, Maura stepped forwards, one hand extended to offer support. "You don't look well, Ms. Petrovsky. Are you ill? I am a doctor. Maybe I should examine you for any symptoms of -"
"No!" Maria shouted so loudly that the entire room turned to look at them.
Feeling the fresh sets of eyes, Abbie patted down her hair. "Well howdy," she said. "We've got ourselves an audience."
"No," Maria repeated, quieter this time. "I'm perfectly all right."
"This is better than reality TV," Chelsea whispered to her Aunt.
Petrovsky winked at her favorite niece. "That's not hard to accomplish, dear, but I agree. These six ladies can be very entertaining!"
"Maura's right," Olivia said, starting to get worried. For some reason, she felt like the only member of the group that had retained some of her senses. The others were bothering Maria just for the sake of being argumentative, and they weren't even drunk yet! However, she did not want to completely ruin the rehearsal dinner, and pestering the mother of the brides until she fainted from shock was probably a very bad idea. "Would you like to go and lie down for a while, ma'am?"
"At least she has some manners," Chelsea's mother sniffed. Hesitantly, she accepted Olivia's steadying arm.
"Here, let me help," Maura insisted, taking out her purse and rummaging through it. "Her color is very poor. Her heart might be straining itself. I probably have some opiates in here... Mostly for pain, but they should work as sedatives in a pinch."
Abbie's eyebrows lifted higher on her well-shaped forehead. "Well, damn. D'you always carry around opiates in that Vuitton of yours, little lady?"
Maura shrugged, producing an unmarked bottle of pills from her purse. "Of course, doesn't everyone?"
"No," Alex informed her, looking down curiously at the items spread out on top of the table. Ignoring her manners and good breeding, she opened Maura's wallet when a colored slip of paper caught her eye. Pulling at one corner, she was surprised to see a picture of a large, spiky looking reptile. "Oh, Maura, is that your Tortoise?"
The word Tortoise, stated in Alex's loud voice, was strange enough to catch Maria's ear. "What?" she said.
"My Tortoise," Maura repeated, happily picking up the picture and holding it out for the older woman to see. She loved showing off Bass, and most people she knew (the worthwhile people, at least) thought that he was a very interesting companion for her. Somehow, owning a Tortoise suited Maura's introverted nature.
Maria looked horrified. "That - that thing is your pet?" A horrible thought struck her, and she glanced around her feet nervously. "You didn't bring it with you?" she asked frantically.
The medical examiner rolled her eyes. "Of course not! Bass is too large to carry around like a designer Chihuahua. Besides, he doesn't like people that are prone to hysterical fits." She glared pointedly at Maria.
"Oh no," Chelsea said in a loud whisper, drawing everyone's attention away from the indignant Maura, who was still holding a photograph of her beloved tortoise in one hand and a small orange bottle of white pills in the other. "It's Theresa..."
Moving as one, the group turned to look. Another young woman was swiftly approaching the cluster of uninvited guests surrounding her mother. She was slightly thinner than Chelsea, had chosen a different dress, and wore her hair in a severe style reminiscent of Alex's in the courtroom, but otherwise, the two twins were almost identical.
Caught between horror and relief, Maria Statler Petrovsky took her daughter's arm as soon as she was within reach, clutching tight. "Theresa, your Aunt has brought several uninvited guests to the rehearsal dinner!" she moaned, stating the obvious.
Theresa frowned - first at the strangers, then at Lena and Chelsea. "Where is the catering staff? Perhaps you can convince them to show these... people... out?"
"They're caterers, not bodyguards," Alex drawled. "They're probably in the kitchen doing their jobs."
"Oh, I don't know," Maura added, "I've paid someone to escort a trespasser off of my property before."
"That was Korsak, you paid him in French pastries, and the person he happened to be escorting was your stupid ex-fiancé. I would have kicked his sorry ass out the door myself, but you insisted that I stay with you and try to have a good time..." Jane's face darkened at the memory, but Maura seemed unperturbed.
"Same thing."
"You were engaged?" Serena asked, looking at Maura with fresh curiosity.
"Unfortunately," Maura sighed. "He - Garrett Fairfield, I mean - was only interested in my money and my last name. I didn't want to be trapped in a marriage like that."
To Jane's surprise, Alex squeezed Maura's shoulder reassuringly. The ME usually disliked physical contact, but she seemed to accept it from Alex without complaint. "I know how you feel. I was engaged, too, and for the same reasons."
"Ugh." Abbie wrinkled her nose. "The Toad. Don't remind me."
"Didn't you tell Robert some lie about having sex with Alex at Coney Island?" Serena asked, squinting her eyes a little and tapping her chin as she tried to revisit the memory. "I think it involved a Ferris wheel and one of Nathan's infamous corn-dogs..." Petrovsky let out an undignified snort. Encouraged by Serena's attitude, Chelsea grinned as well.
Maria let out a startled gasp and clutched her hand to her chest, while Theresa's eyes nearly popped out of her head.
Abbie shrugged and gave her girlfriend a sheepish grin. "Well, uh... I really wanted them to break up. I figured pretty boy would dump her and she could find someone better."
"Thanks, Abs," Olivia said. "For once, your perverted stories and your habitual lying did me a huge favor!"
Jane, who was looking at the buffet table with glazed eyes, only heard the first part of the conversation. "Mmm, Nathan's corn-dogs," she said, sounding like she was in a trance. "I'm hungry. Mind if we go eat something, Your Honor?"
"Not at all, and please call me Lena, Jane," said Petrovsky, waving a dismissive hand at the buffet table. "Any friend of Alex Cabot's is a friend of mine. Besides, you're all my guests, and my niece's as well, if I'm not mistaken."
"They are certainly not!" Theresa opened her mouth to protest, the glare on her face making it plain that she wanted to give the group and her Aunt a piece of her mind, but Chelsea interrupted her.
"Listen, Theresa, these are Aunt Lena's friends, and I want them to stay."
"Stay? At my wedding rehearsal dinner?" Theresa was appalled. Maria seemed equally horrified by the idea.
"At our wedding rehearsal dinner. You're the one that wanted to have this huge, monstrous wedding in the first place. I wanted to elope to the tropics with Mom and Dad and Aunt Lena, and just have a small party for the rest of the family when we got back, but nooo... you had to invite over two hundred people! I don't even know most of them. And there's well over fifty here tonight - almost all of them are your friends or mother's friends. I didn't even get to pick most of my own bridal party. Well, you know what? I want these people to stay, and unless you want me to make a scene and ruin the rehearsal dinner even more, you'll shut up and go away. Got it?"
There was a long, tension-filled pause.
I'm a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie Wo-o-orld
Life in Plastic, it's fantastic!
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhe-e-ere
Imagination, life is your creati -
Olivia hurried to find her cell phone before Barbie could go party with Ken. "Oh my God," she muttered, desperately pushing buttons to try and stop the song. "Benson. Who is it? This better be good, because I'm on my vaca- Oh, hi, Elliot... uh, yeah... did Fin forget to tell you that Munch changed all my contacts and ringtones? ... He got Teletubbies, so don't let him give you any shit - Hold on, I'll check and see."
Everyone watched with bated breath as she glanced down at the screen to see what Munch had dubbed Elliot. "Apparently, you're 'Girly Man', partner. Oh well, maybe it's a reference to Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's pretty buff... No, I don't think so either." Another pause. "Uh, I'm at a wedding rehearsal, actually... it's not a good time. Yes, Alex is here. And you'll never believe the two new friends we made. One of them looks just like Abbie, but she's a cop and she isn't a pervert. It's pretty cool. Okay, I should probably go, everyone's staring at me like I'm crazy... bye."
Olivia hung up her phone, wisely choosing to put it on silent. The group continued staring. "What?" she said defensively, tucking the offending object away.
"Normally, I would scold you for answering your cell phone during a social event while you aren't on call, but that conversation was priceless, judging from your side of it." Unable to hold back any longer, Alex, Abbie, Serena, Jane, Maura, Petrovsky, and Chelsea burst into uncontrollable laughter.
It was too much for poor Maria, who allowed a mortified Theresa to shepherd her off to a quiet corner. Both of them looked worse for wear, and obviously needed the recovery time.
"Is your partner a hypermasculine person that would take offense to being labeled as a girl or a homosexual, Olivia?" Maura asked, eyes watering.
Olivia grinned. "Worse. He used to be in the Marines. He doesn't care that I'm gay, but after being called a Girly Man, I have a feeling Elliot is going to be handing Munch's ass to him..."
Maura looked momentarily confused a the colloquialism. "They're going to beat him up or get him back somehow," Jane translated. "You've heard me use that expression before, Maur."
"Sorry, I was momentarily distracted by the unusually humorous situation. By the way, I think we have emerged victorious over Lena Petrovsky's relatives."
"Yeah," Chelsea said gleefully. "Thanks! Seeing those two put in their place made my night. Maybe my wedding won't be so bad after all..."
"Glad to be of service, although I think Olivia's cellphone stole the show," said Serena. "Now that the trash has taken itself out - no offense, Your Honor, Chelsea... - who wants to hit up the buffet?"
"I'm so in!" Jane said eagerly.
They were also introduced to Jason's parents, who seemed equally amused by the confrontation. They looked a lot like their son, although both had graying hair, and they shared Chelsea's attitude towards her parents. "We like Chelsea, she's been a good influence on our boy, but her mother's a nightmare," Jason's father confessed to Olivia while they both tucked in to their lobster - a Provincetown specialty.
A quarter of an hour later, a sour-faced Theresa returned with her mother and a gaggle of pompously dressed friends in tow, heading towards the unoccupied right side of the long table, plates in hand. They were whispering back and forth, but no one could hear what they were saying.
"Just ignore them," Lena said, looking rather pleased with herself for causing her sister in law and niece so much trouble.
"Hey, I'm not complainin'," Abbie said. "I may be a Southern girl, and we don't always call 'em lobsters, but I sure as hell love to eat 'em!"
"You love to eat anything," Serena added, leaning over to steal a bite from her lover's plate. Their playful banter was interrupted by a loud, high-pitched gasp of surprise and dismay. Everyone turned to look.
Theresa, who had been passing behind her sister's chair with her friends, had apparently allowed her plate to slip, spilling the contents down the back of Chelsea's dress. Everyone stared, waiting for some kind of reaction from the shivering, angry-looking bride-to-be.
The first response came from Alex. Calmly picking up her glass, she tossed the contents in Theresa's face, watching with grim satisfaction as wine trailed down her neck and chest in bright crimson lines. Her perfect hair was ruined, and so was her rehearsal dinner dress.
That did it.
Following her friend's example, Abbie grabbed a handful of greens from Olivia's plate and hurled them at Maria, who didn't seem to know how to react to anything that was going on around her. One of Theresa's friends returned fire, hitting Jane in the middle of her forehead.
"It is so on!" the detective growled, getting up out of her chair and grabbing a basket of dinner rolls to use as missiles.
Abbie looked positively gleeful. "FOOD FIGHT!" she hollered, her eyes sparkling with mischief. Olivia groaned and ducked behind the table, hoping that no one decided to actually throw the lobsters. The shells might hurt, and she had a feeling that things were going to get ugly.
Olivia Benson, brave NYPD detective, well trained in several types of armed and unarmed combat, shifted nervously underneath the table where she was hiding. The loud crashes and bangs echoing through the room made her flinch occasionally, but so far, she and her clothes had escaped mostly unscathed.
"God, has the entire world except for me gone insane?" she muttered, daring to peek out from under the draped tablecloth in order to see what was going on.
Her lover was currently making the most of the soup bowls and soaking all opponents who came near her, but someone had dumped a salad over her flawless blonde hair, complete with dressing. There was still a leaf of spinach behind the arm of her glasses. Serena had teamed up with her former colleague and was lobbing bread rolls like a shotputter, occasionally ducking behind the table to avoid return fire.
Maria Statler Petrovsky was spinning around in a wild circle, tossing wine from an overflowing glass at anyone who came within a few feet. Theresa was pulling her sister's hair while Chelsea smeared something that had once been food into her face.
Meanwhile, Abbie was chasing some of Theresa's friends with a lobster, pincers fully extended. The thing had long-since been boiled, but those claws were still sharp. Olivia's fellow detective, Jane Rizzoli, was using a chair as a shield as she threw croutons at the girls Abbie was corralling towards her.
The biggest surprise of the evening was probably Maura. When the woman let go, she really let go. It was obvious that the medical examiner had declared war when she pulled the entire tablecloth out of place with a firm yank, covering almost everyone nearby in debris. Petrovsky had declined to take part in the food fighting, and was currently leaning against the wall, laughing hysterically with a satisfied gleam in her eye.
Olivia wondered if she was in some kind of deranged alternate universe. No sane adult would ever engage in something like this.
Suddenly, her phone started to ring.
I'm... too sexy for my shirt...
Too sexy for my shirt
So-o-o sexy it hurrrrts
I'm... too sexy for -
Reluctantly, Olivia answered the phone before the annoying song drew any attention. "Hello, John," she said sourly.
"Olivia! What kind of greeting is that for your friendly coworker and conspiracy theorist?"
"The only conspiracy I'm interested in right now is who changed all the ringtones on my phone. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you, Munch?"
"No. So sorry to disappoint yo-"
" - WE'RE TAKING FIRE! DUCK! - "
"Son of a whore! That was my favorite handbag!"
Munch paused. "Two things. First of all, Olivia, you're on speaker somehow. Second of all... what's going on?"
"Munch," Olivia sighed, watching Maura brandish her ruined handbag like a weapon, empty it of her wallet, and throw the remains at the back of Maria Statler Petrovsky's head. Unfortunately for the poor woman, when she turned around to gape like a stunned fish, Alex nailed her at the same time with a particularly juicy tomato slice. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you..."
"Saw Varsity's horns off! A-a-a-whoop!" The school yell was accompanied by a loud crashing sound, but the NYPD detective decided not to look up to see what was happening.
"... Abbie having a good time?" Munch asked.
Olivia cradled her forehead in her hand, almost dropping the phone. "Um."
"You know I'm going to ask everyone about this when you come back, right?"
"Um."
"You're usually more verbose than this, Olivia. Are you sure everything is all right?"
"Bullseye! Dammit, my heel..."
"... Is that Alex?"
Olivia chose not to answer. "Goodbye, Munch," she said firmly, hanging up the phone and hiding back out of sight underneath the table.
Ten minutes later, almost everything available to be used as a missile had already been destroyed. Most of the tables had been overturned. Plates and silverware littered the floor. Everyone had some kind of food on them, and there were several missing handbags, shoes, and coats. Alex's hair was a lost cause. Abbie was still brandishing two lobsters instead of one, and Jane Rizzoli had sustained a cut above her left eyebrow. The mother of the brides had collapsed against the wall, eyes glazed. Maura, wiping some kind of sauce out of her eyes, held up one hand and let out a sharp whistle, stopping the remaining skirmishers in their tracks. "Let me through! She's gone in to shock."
Bending down, the medical examiner picked up the small bottle of pills that she had dumped out of her ruined purse and hurried over to the limp, middle-aged hostess, checking her pulse and the dilation of her pupils before attempting to give her some of the pills, massaging her throat in order to make her swallow them. "This," she explained to a disheveled Serena Southerlyn, who was watching her with unconcealed interest, "is why I find it necessary to carry around opiates..."
"You get into these kinds of situations often?" Alex Cabot said dryly, running her fingers through her hair and dislodging some dressing and onions.
Maura shrugged. "You can never be too prepared. Oh, my goodness... we've made a terrible mess."
"Tell me about it," Olivia muttered. Finally determining that it was safe to make her reappearance, she climbed out from her hiding place and brushed herself off, even though she had only suffered a few stains. Compared to the rest of them, who looked like they had gone swimming in a landfill, she was clean as a whistle. "All of you should be ashamed of yourselves." She leveled a steely glare at Theresa and her friends before turning it on Alex. The attorney pouted, but Olivia remained firm.
Jane, at least, had the decency to look sheepish. "Uh... I guess we should clean this up?" she said, gesturing around at the ruined dining hall.
"There goes the deposit," Theresa muttered.
"Don't even..." the Boston detective snapped. "You started this."
Olivia sighed. "Is Mrs. Petrovsky all right?" she asked, kneeling next to Maura.
"She's fine. The symptoms will wear off quickly now that things have calmed down. Her heart rate is elevated, but nothing to be concerned about."
"Good. Keep an eye on her, and put something on Jane's forehead. She's bleeding like a stuck pig." Olivia stood up. Much like Maura had moments before, she whistled shrilly and got the entire crowd's attention. "All right! We're all going to follow Jane's advice and clean up this crap. Also, Serena here..." she clapped a hand on the blonde's shoulder, "will be taking five bucks from each of you so the establishment can get this carpet steam cleaned. Alex, go get trash bags from the catering staff." She gestured at the door to the kitchen, where several uniformed people were peering fearfully out at them.
"You," she continued, pointing at Theresa and Chelsea, "get cleaning supplies for the windows and plenty of paper towels. And apologize to each other! You're sisters. Tomorrow is your wedding. Stop acting like jerks." Both sisters, especially Theresa, hung their heads.
Silently, the group went to work rounding up supplies and cleaning up the mess they had made. Abbie tried to sneak off to the bathroom, a lobster in each hand, but Olivia caught her before she had gotten more than a few yards away from the rest of the crowd. "Stop right there and reach for the sky," she said, jabbing the brunette in the back. "All right, Miss Texas A&M, you're on dish duty until further notice, and don't think I won't keep an eye on you to make sure you stay out of trouble." Abbie squawked in protest, but a determined Olivia dragged her by the ear to the kitchen, where she forced the grumpy Texan to throw away her lobsters and start cleaning up pieces of broken glass and porcelain.
Under Olivia's careful supervision, all of the wedding guests cleaned up the toppled food and plates until the room no longer looked like a freak tornado had blown through. With everyone covered in food, it was almost hard to tell the two sides apart. As she watched a messy - but somehow, still refined looking - Alex Cabot throw food into a large black trash bag, Olivia heard soft laughter beside her ear. Turning around, she saw Lena Petrovsky watching the clean up crew with a huge grin on her face. Olivia opened her mouth to scold the judge, but couldn't find it in her. From what she had seen, Her Honor had not participated in the food fight, even if she had lit a match next to a powder keg by bringing Alex, Abbie, Serena, Jane, and Maura to her nieces' wedding.
"Here," the judge said, slipping a crisp bill into Olivia's hand. "Make sure to tip the catering staff. Besides, this was the best dinner and show I've been to in years! It was worth every penny."
Olivia snorted. "You knew this would happen, didn't you?" she accused the older woman.
"I wasn't anticipating a food fight, but I will neither confirm nor deny that I might have entertained the possibility that something dangerous and slightly insane would occur when I introduced your friends to my relatives."
"God, you sound like a lawyer..." the detective muttered.
Petrovsky only winked. "I was, once upon a time."
Olivia suddenly felt sorry for whatever judge had presided over Petrovsky's cases all those years ago, and she also felt a little less sorry for all of the times Alex had caused Petrovsky headaches. Obviously, karma was a real thing.
"Jane."
No response.
"Jaaannne..."
Silence.
"Jaaaaaaaaaaan-"
"WHAT, MAURA? I'M IN THE SHOWER!" Jane shouted, wiping dried blood from her forehead with a damp washcloth as she tried to shampoo the worst of the mess out of her long brown hair.
Although there was enough room in the shower for two (if the bathers didn't mind getting a little cozy), they had opted to take turns cleaning up. Jane's argument was that they would never come back out of the shower if they went in together, which would be embarrassing all around when they finally met back up with their new friends. Maura, who disliked waiting for anything, especially while she was covered in food, was very unhappy with this executive decision. She had been trying to change Jane's mind by complaining through the bathroom door for the past several minutes.
"I'm very uncomfortable!" The medical examiner called back, swinging her feet as they dangled over the side of the mattress. She had stripped off her ruined clothes and slipped the hotel staff a Benjamin in advance to take care of the stains, but her hair and skin were still coated in God knows what, and she really wanted to join her lover in the shower. The towel she was seated on protected the covers, but it didn't make her feel any cleaner.
Jane was unsympathetic. "Wait your turn. You lost the coin toss."
"But bacterial colonies can double in size every 9.8 minutes under optimal conditions!"
The detective debated turning up the shower to try and drown out Maura's voice, but knew that it was a lost cause. The medical examiner would find some other way to be heard. "You aren't covered in bacteria, just food," Jane hollered, scrubbing the skin of her left arm rather violently with the soaped-up loofah Maura had insisted on bringing along for "exfoliation purposes".
"Humans are always covered in bacteria!" Maura shouted, sounding more than a little desperate. Without her clothes, the hotel room was very chilly, patches of her skin were stained with wine, and there were breadcrumbs in her hair. Those conditions were completely unacceptable. "Jane, please?"
Imagining Maura's disappointed frown was too much for the brunette, and Jane wisely decided to forfeit this battle. Bickering with Maura about who got to use the shower first was not at the top of her list of priorities. Besides, what kind of sane person said no to having a naked Maura in their shower? She heaved a sigh and began looking around for her razor, figuring that she might as well shave since she was all lathered up anyway. "Fine... get in here."
A few moments later, a very happy (and very naked) blonde doctor hopped in next to Jane underneath the warm spray. "It took you four minutes and twenty seven seconds to realize that arguing with me is pointless," Maura informed her, stealing the loofah that Jane had been using and trying to clean the worst of the mess from her freckled skin.
"Isn't love supposed to be about sacrifice?" Jane asked, pausing mid-way up one thigh to examine her lover's bare form.
"Oh, what a sacrifice," Maura teased, making sure to give Jane a good view of her breasts. "Here, turn around, you missed a spot on your back."
"Oka- Aah! Maura - That's not my back..."
The medical examiner, who had taken the opportunity to grab two handfuls of Jane's vulnerable and particularly delicious behind, tucked her chin over Jane's shoulder and purred contentedly in the detective's ear. "Hmmm. I know. I'm a doctor, remember? I've studied human anatomy extensively."
Jane swallowed, her throat feeling strangely dry despite the water raining down on them. "Uh... I don't suppose you want to teach me?"
"Mmm. All right, but I don't think you'll find this lesson in any medical textbook..."
"Hold still."
"Ouch!"
"I told you to hold still..."
"But it hurts..." Alex Cabot complained, flinching as Olivia continued combing the last of the salad out of her hair. It still needed to be washed, but they didn't want to clog the drain with spinach leaves and dressing, and so they had made use of a small trash can to get rid of the larger chunks.
"It's your own fault," Olivia said firmly. She hadn't gotten too dirty in the first place, but poor Alex was an absolute mess. "You should have stayed under the table with me."
"Coward. Ow! Did you have to do that?"
"Unless you want to be a cabbage patch kid for the rest of our vacation, yes," Olivia insisted. Since Alex was the one who had started (or at least escalated) the food fight, Olivia didn't feel too bad for her. The lawyer had gotten her just desserts. In fact, she was wearing them. There was a streak of pie on her right temple.
"Did Petrovsky have a good laugh at me?" Alex asked as Olivia brushed the last of the salad from her hair, disposing of a shredded carrot and shepherding the naked, slightly cleaner attorney into the bathroom.
Olivia couldn't help but smile at the memory of Petrovsky's merriment. She would never be able to look at the Honorable judge with a straight face again. "I think she was laughing at everybody. She plotted this, you know."
"It doesn't surprise me," Alex muttered, bending over to pull the stopper and filling a bath. "Since most of the salad is out of my hair, would you like to join me for a bath instead of a shower? I feel like soaking with some bubbles..."
The detective felt her heart soften. The thought of her naked lover, tempting pale skin covered only by bubbles, probably had something to do with the shift in Olivia's mood.
"But won't we be late?" she asked, not really protesting as Alex dragged her towards the bathroom.
"Probably," the attorney admitted. She shot Olivia a salacious grin over her shoulder as she adjusted the stopper and let the tub fill with steaming water. Testing the temperature with her hand, she let out a contented sigh and tiptoed over the side. "I don't think it will matter, though."
"Why not?" Olivia asked, running her hands briefly under the tap at the sink to remove some dressing before following her lover into the tub.
"Because I have a feeling that we won't be the only tardy ones in the group. I'll bet you anything you like that Serena and Abbie are doing the same thing right now..."
Olivia grinned, deliberately misunderstanding as she poured a glob of body wash into her hand. "What, taking a bath?"
"No, this..."
For the next several minutes, cleaning up was postponed in favor of more pleasurable activities.
"Well, look who finally showed up," Serena teased, waggling her eyebrows at Alex and Olivia when the pair finally arrived at the hotel lobby. They were holding hands and there were several suspicious marks on both of their necks.
"I told you we had time for a quickie," Abbie said in a stage-whisper.
The shorter blonde snorted and rolled her eyes at her girlfriend. "I didn't want to be late! Alex must not be as good at saying no as I am."
Olivia laughed. "You've got it all backwards." She gave Alex a hip bump, which her lover responded to with a glare. "I'm the one trying to get this octopus to keep her hands to herself."
"So, did y'all have a nice shower?" Abbie asked, her Texan drawl especially prominent. "I reckon so, since Alex looks about as happy as a gopher in soft dirt."
Alex hoped that the flush spreading across her cheeks and down her neck could be attributed to the hot shower she had just taken and not to the 'gopher' comment. "That's none of your business, Abbie."
"Why so shy, Cabot? You usually talk about Olivia like she's some kind of sex goddess or somethin'."
Unfortunately, that reminded Alex of the encounter she and Olivia had just shared in the shower, and she felt her eyes begin to glaze over, completely forgetting to offer a response. "Mmm..."
Abbie snorted. "Okay, either the sex you and Olivia had was really hot, or really embarrassing."
"Wait - what?" The strange comment immediately brought Alex back to the present. "Where did you get that idea?"
"You're blushing. Ooh, I bet it was embarrassing! What happened?"
"Nothing happened," Olivia said flatly, really not wanting to get involved in this conversation. She had a feeling that it would end badly for her. "Since Alex never learned to share things in Kindergarten like the rest of us, I never got to use the blow-dryer, and you can obviously tell that we were in the shower." The detective gestured at her hair, which was still stringy and dripping onto her shoulders.
Alex decided to ignore all three of them and lean against Olivia's shoulder, partially hiding her face in her lover's slightly damp shirt. "Okay, now I know she's embarrassed," Abbie said triumphantly. "What happened? Did Olivia accidentally smack her own ass instead of yours and scream like a little girl?"
"No! God, what is wrong with you?" Alex groaned, not bothering to lift her head.
Even Olivia had to object to that comment. "Hey! I don't scream like a little girl... and my aim is just fine, thanks."
Abbie ignored her and continued goading Alex. "Did Olivia make you wear a costume? Oh, please tell me she made you wear a costume! You brought a suitcase as big as all hell and half of Texas, so..."
Finally, Serena decided that she had heard enough. "Honey, stop teasing, I think Alex is going to pass out. Let's just go. We're already late to meet Jane and Maura."
"Don't get your cows runnin'! We'll get there when we get there. Besides, I bet Jane and Maura can occupy themselves just fine."
Maura slowed her pace as requested, but only slightly. "According to my cell phone, we are already twenty two minutes late. I hate being late."
"Then you shouldn't have started something you knew you couldn't finish in the shower," Jane pointed out, unable to resist a smug grin. Her apparent irresistibility an hour and a half earlier was a big ego boost, and unlike Maura, she didn't really mind being late, especially since they were on vacation.
"You should have protested more."
Jane snorted. "Yeah, right... A beautiful, buxom blonde throws herself at me in the shower and I'm supposed to say no?"
"As alliterative and flattering as that description is, it doesn't change the fact that we are now twenty four minutes late," Maura said.
Despite her strenuous pace, Maura didn't even seem to be winded, and Jane was slightly envious. "Christ, how do you balance in those? I can't even walk in high heels, and you're sprinting in them!" Jane blurted out.
"Very carefully."
Jane rolled her eyes, but any further comments were lost when they arrived at their destination. Since they were staying at separate lodgings, Jane and Maura had agreed to meet the four Manhattanites at a bar midway between the two hotels. Actually, Maura had arranged for them to stay at a 'Bed and Breakfast', which was really the second floor of someone's home, but Jane didn't care much for semantics. A pair of old queens owned the place, and they had taken to calling her "butch" instead of addressing her by her name.
Noticing that Maura had paused in front of the door, Jane took on the role she had been typecast in and held open the door. Maura rewarded her with a dazzling smile that made her chest ache and her palms sweat. Somehow, that smile never lost its brilliance for Jane. "Thank you."
Jane gave a mocking half bow and waved her in, but turned when she heard a familiar voice shouting her name. "Hey, Rizzoli! Behind you."
Looking over her shoulder, Jane lifted her free hand in greeting as Olivia and Abbie approached with their respective blondes in tow. Alex was lingering towards the back of the group, which was unusual based on the behavior she had observed over the past two days, but Jane decided not to comment. "Hey. I'm glad we're not the only ones that are late. Maura was spazzing out."
The medical examiner rolled her eyes. "I was not..."
"Says the woman who power-walked over here," Jane muttered under her breath.
Serena glanced down admiringly at Maura's high heels and let out a low whistle. "Nice."
"Sorry we're late, ladies. Cabot was riding high and didn't want to get off the saddle." Alex aimed a smack at her friend's head, but Abbie had become adept at dodging Alex's blows over the years, and it failed to land.
"Quite all right. Jane and I were similarly delayed."
Making sure that she was out of arm's reach from Alex, Abbie turned to give Serena a pout. "I'm the only one that didn't get any!" she complained, gesturing at their friends dramatically. "We had time to-"
Serena covered her girlfriend's lips with a finger. "Shush. I'll make it up to you later, but only if you don't spend the rest of the night whining."
That made Abbie's eyes light up. "Can w-"
"I said shush! Come on, let's go in before Jane turns into a very good looking doorstopper."
"She is good looking, isn't she?" Maura joked. Even after two days, the similarities between Jane and Abbie were still astonishing. "I still find it hard to believe that they don't share any family history."
"Naw. I'm Irish and Scotch, and judging from your last name and the way you put away food, I'm guessing Jane's mostly Italian."
"One hundred percent," Jane confirmed. Realizing that they were blocking the entrance to the bar, the six women headed inside with Olivia in the lead and Jane bringing up the rear.
Twenty minutes later, everyone was well on their way to being intoxicated. They were crammed around a table meant for four (because Jane and Olivia liked having a view of both doorways), and there were multiple conversations going on simultaneously. Jane and Abbie were arguing about whose mother was the most domineering and intrusive, Serena was trying to catch the bartender's eye for a refill and redirect her lover's hand under the table at the same time, and Alex and Maura were comparing their respective detectives' partners while Olivia tried to ignore them.
"So, what the hell are we going to tell people when we get back?" Olivia finally asked, redirecting everyone else's focus onto her. There was a moment of relative silence as they all thought about it. "Munch kind of overheard the food fight..."
"Really?" Alex's milky complexion became paler than usual as she considered that.
"Yep. Oh, Carmichael, he told me to tell you that you've got Aggie Fightin' Spirit or something."
"Aaa-whoop!"
"Oh no," Serena groaned, "don't get her started..."
Jane laughed. "Sounds like this is all your problem, Benson. There are no witnesses to tell everyone back home what I did this weekend..."
"Except me."
"Eh. I don't care if you tell Korsak and Frost that I got in a food fight with a judge's niece and met a long lost twin."
The smirk that Maura gave her lover was positively evil. "But you'll care if I tell your mother." Jane sank back in her chair, going even paler than Alex, which was hard to believe, considering her dark complexion.
"No! Ma doesn't need to know about any of this."
"You have to admit, it makes a pretty good party story," Serena offered. "I wonder if Petrovsky will tell anyone?"
Alex groaned. "My professional reputation is ruined."
Jane had no sympathy for her. "Who cares? My entire life is ruined if my Ma finds out about this!"
"Are you sure this is a good ide-"
"CANNONBALL!"
Alex's question was interrupted by a loud shout, followed by an impressive splash that spattered her legs with water droplets. "Abbie," she hissed, careful not to raise her voice, "put your clothes back on and get out of there! Do you want the hotel security guards to catch us skinny dipping?"
Tossing back strands of damp hair little mermaid style, Abbie spread her arms out and grinned. "We're payin' a fortune to stay here, might as well get some use out of the damn pool. Besides, all the important bits are still covered, so it ain't skinny dipping." She gestured at her bra and underwear, which she had thankfully kept on.
"And we're not in high school," Alex snapped, rolling her eyes and folding her arms over her breasts.
"How's the temperature?" Jane asked hesitantly. She too had stripped down to panties and a bra, but she was still standing on the edge of the pool, eyeing the water hesitantly and dipping her toe in to stir the surface.
"Not bad once you get used to it," Abbie lied, teeth chattering. The pool was closed for the evening, and the heat had been turned off.
Serena sighed, starting to unbutton her blouse and letting down her hair. "We might as well," she said, giving Alex a shrug when her friend started to protest. "Abbie will hold it over our heads if we don't... and we are technically guests..."
"We're not," Maura pointed out, her desire to join her friends in the pool warring with her desire to follow the printed sign that clearly stated: 'NO SWIMMING AFTER 11 PM. HOTEL GUESTS ONLY.'
"Aw, c'mon, Maur," Jane urged. She had managed to wade part way down the steps, submerged to mid-thigh, but wasn't brave enough to duck under yet. "Live a little." She waggled her eyebrows. "You've already been in a food fight today... how much more trouble can you get in to?"
"Considering that we're hanging out with Abbie? A lot." Since Alex had taken over the role of 'responsible stick in the mud', Olivia felt free to be adventurous this time, and started unzipping her jeans. When she noticed Alex's eyes dart down to check out her legs, she knew that she had made the right decision. After wiggling out of her clothes until she was down to a tank and underwear, Olivia made a beeline for the diving board.
"How good are you, Benson?" Jane asked, wading in up to her hips in order to get a better view of Olivia through the dark. The pool lights were still turned on, but they were dim since the swimming area was supposed to be closed. Olivia answered by testing the recoil of the board, launching off the edge, and throwing her arms over her head in a perfect swan dive. Even Alex, who was still fully dressed and definitely not thrilled with the idea of trespassing, had to smile when Olivia emerged, one bra strap hanging off of her shoulder and her hair piled on top of her head like seaweed.
"Maura, show them one of your dives!" Jane bellowed, only quieting her volume when Serena kicked water at her from the edge of the pool.
"I don't know... Maybe Alex is right. Isn't this a little juvenile?"
Jane doggy paddled over to the edge of the pool, propping her wet elbows on the concrete and looking up at Maura. "Did you ever go skinny dipping when you were a teenager..."
"Well, no, but-"
"Then now's your chance!" Jane tugged on Maura's ankle, dripping water over her shoe. Surprisingly, the ME didn't complain. "Come on. You're a great diver. Do that flip thing."
Maura carefully unbuttoned her blouse and folded it on one of the plastic lounge chairs, kicking off her expensive shoes and wiggling her toes, enjoying the new freedom of movement. "Oh, all right... Backwards or forwards?"
"I like it backwards!" Abbie hooted, doing a fist pump that splashed water into Serena's hair. Her girlfriend retaliated by grabbing the side of the pool and kicking furiously, sending spray everywhere.
"Argh, hey!" Olivia muttered, wiping her eyes. "You got me with that, Serena... Alex, why aren't you in the pool?"
"Because I'm not as drunk as you are," the blonde retorted, tapping her foot disapprovingly. "Maura, you're going to ruin that set if you get in the water."
During the argument, Maura had stripped to her underwear, which was not practical for swimming and left very little to the imagination. The medical examiner smiled, her cheeks dimpling. "Carpe Diem, Alexandra. Would you like to see me do a backwards pike? I think the board is elevated enough."
Alex gave up, offering a shrug as she fiddled with the top button of her shirt. "Sure. Go give Olivia a run for her money."
Hearing her name through the water, Olivia's head broke the surface. "What?" she asked, kicking over to the shallow end where Alex stood observing. "I was showing Abbie how long I could hold my breath."
"Watch." Alex pointed at the deep end of the pool, where Maura was swinging her arms forward and back as she tested the springboard beneath her feet. Serena floated next to Abbie and tapped her shoulder so that she could watch too.
Ignoring the five pairs of eyes following her movements, Maura bounced three times on the board before launching herself off and folding at the waist, bringing both legs between her arms in a perfect reverse pike. Unfortunately, her bra did not appreciate the collision with the water, smooth as it was, and tangled itself around her upper torso. Jane and Abbie laughed while Olivia and Serena politely averted their eyes. "No more dives for you, I think," said the Boston detective, swimming over to help Maura fix her top.
"That was very good, Maura," Alex offered, still hovering by the side of the pool.
"You have no excuse to stay out of the water now," Maura said, shaking her hair back and double-checking to make sure that she was covered again.
Olivia kicked over to Alex. "She's right. Don't make me come out and give you a hug..." Alex realized that her girlfriend's threat was serious. Olivia was stubborn, and once she decided to indulge her childish side, she went all the way. "I will make you get in this pool."
With atypical reluctance, Alex pulled off her skirt and kicked her shoes away. "Yeah, Cabot!" Abbie cheered, "take it all off!"
Alex shushed her friend, placing an index finger against her lips. "Be quiet. I don't want to get in trouble. Lord, I can't believe I'm doing this..." When the blonde finally shrugged out of her shirt, crossing her arms to pull it over her head, Olivia realized the true reason that Alex hadn't wanted to strip and get in the pool. She had never thought about it before, but besides Alex's doctors, she was probably the only one who had seen the scars left behind by Alex's gunshot wounds in recent years. Although Alex rarely judged others for their appearance, she did have a vain streak when it came to her own appearance.
The atmosphere suddenly became tense as Alex turned around to put her folded clothes on an empty beach chair, revealing the streaky, raised scarring on her back. No one said anything.
Finally, Jane spoke up. "Damn," she said, holding up her palms, "yours is way more impressive than mine! I feel kind of inadequate now..."
Alex's carefully blank face cracked as she started to smile.
"Wait, what?" Abbie blurted, pretending to look confused as Alex swung her legs over the side of the pool and slipped gracefully into the water. "I was staring at her legs. Ow! Serena!"
"Marco!"
"Polo," three separate voices echoed as Serena waved her arms around, eyes closed tight.
"This game is too loud," Alex said from where she was treading water just beneath the diving board. "Someone from the hotel is going to catch us."
Abbie splashed at her from a few meters away. "You're no fun."
"Shh!" Olivia was sitting on the side of the pool, feet dangling over the edge. She kept her arms wrapped around herself, but the water evaporating from her skin was making the chilly night seem even colder.
"Marco!"
"Polo!"
"Won't Serena find them if they keep talking?" Maura whispered in Jane's ear. The two Bostonians were standing next to each other near the steps in the shallow end. "The object of the game is not to get caught, so-"
"Then why are you talking?" Jane whispered back, ducking her head under the water and swimming over to another spot.
"Marco!"
"Polo!"
Serena paused on her slightly crooked trail over to the diving board where she had last heard voices. "Fish out of water!"
"Damn," Olivia grumbled, using her arms to push herself back into the water. The detective swam to the center of the pool and ducked her head under, holding her fingers up to simulate a countdown from ten.
Maura waded over to Jane's new spot and tucked herself against her lover's side, silently appreciating the way that Jane's wet undergarments clung to her. "Did you know that after Marco Polo brought the sacred oil of Jerusalem to Kublai Khan, he didn't permit them to return home for almost fifteen years?" she asked, watching Olivia's fingers.
"Kublai Khan? Wasn't he some emperor guy?" Jane asked just as Olivia's head broke the surface. The New York detective lunged in the direction of the noise, beginning a rather athletic chase that lasted half the length of the pool while Alex and Serena tried to avoid the worst of the splashing
When Olivia finally caught Jane's ankle, the new 'it' began sulking. "That wasn't fair," she pouted, backstroking to the center of the pool. "Maura tricked me."
Maura held her hands behind her back and gave Jane her most angelic smile. Meanwhile, the triumphant Olivia returned to the arms of her lover, tucking her chin over Alex's head and embracing her from behind. In the water, the fact that they were the same height was less noticeable.
"Cold, love?" Alex asked, watching as Jane began chasing Maura instead of counting to ten. The normally composed medical examiner squealed when Jane hooked an elbow underneath her knees and lifted her up, carrying her towards the steps.
"Hmm? Not really, why? ... Oh." Olivia coughed and pulled back so that her breasts were no longer pressing directly against Alex's shoulder blades. The damp material of her bra didn't leave much to the imagination.
Alex caught Olivia before she floated away and gave her a soft peck on the lips. "I wasn't complaining."
Having overheard the conversation, Serena stuck two fingers in her mouth and let out a wolf whistle. "Oh, shut up," Olivia muttered. "Abbie's a bad influence on you... Abbie?"
The Texan was staring into the darkness with a strange expression on her face. "Did you see that?" she asked, pointing around the corner of an open gazebo-style building with some wooden tables and chairs.
Jane and Maura stopped their impromptu water wrestling match. "See what?" Jane asked, kicking over to the others.
"There it is again." This time, all six women saw a column of light from around the corner.
"Is that a flash light or a cell phone?"
"I told you not to be so loud, Serena-"
"I wasn't loud," the shorter blonde protested. "Besides, this was your idea!"
"Shh, look."
"Fuck me backwards," Abbie stated as the pale face of a young uniformed man peeked out from around the corner. "What should we do?"
Jane's eyes darted nervously from side to side. "Break for it?" she asked, standing slightly in front of Maura in an instinctive effort to shield her. The medical examiner put a hand on Jane's arm.
"We would look ridiculous running through the hotel in wet underwear," she pointed out.
"Excuse me," the young guard said, stepping out from around the corner and taking a few steps towards the pool. "The hotel pool is closed," he stammered, gesturing at the large printed sign. The poor man had obviously never encountered a situation like this before on the job, and his eyes were as large as dinner plates.
"What should we say?" Serena asked, looking from Olivia to Abbie. Olivia was blushing so violently that the color showed up despite her tan complexion. Abbie just seemed amused by the situation.
"Here," Alex interrupted, "let me handle this." Breast stroking over to the nearest ladder, she climbed out of the pool, glancing down to make sure that her underwear was in the right place. The attorney waved the stunned security guard over and headed for her clothes.
"Ma'am, you and your, uh, companions really should..."
Instead of offering an apology or explanation, Alex simply reached for her purse. Shaking her fingers to try and dry them a little, she opened her wallet and pulled out a fold of bills. "How much until you stop seeing those five half-naked idiots over there?"
The guard looked down at the bills, then back at Alex's face, trying not to be too obvious when his eyes paused in the middle. Still, he couldn't help a quick peek. From where she was watching, Olivia decided not to call him out on it. She couldn't really blame the kid, since she had done the same thing for years before she and Alex started dating. She had never been lucky enough to catch Alex in nothing but a wet bra, though.
"Uh..."
Sensing the man's hesitance, Alex pressed two twenties into his hand. "Is your eyesight getting blurry yet?"
"Um."
Two more twenties followed. "Good boy." Alex folded the stunned guard's fingers around the bills and reached for her clothes. "Now, I don't think there's any need for you to mention this to anybody, right?" she asked, pulling on her shirt even though she knew that the water would soak through.
"N-no, of course not. I mean, mention what?"
Satisfied that they weren't going to be reported to the hotel manager, Alex beckoned to the other five women. "Come on. Get your drunk asses out of the pool and put your clothes back on."
Reluctantly, the rest of the group abandoned the safety of the water and climbed back onto cold, dry land. "This sucks," Jane muttered, fixing the strap of her underwear and searching under a beach chair for her shoes. The security guard was still standing there watching them, and it made her slightly uncomfortable. "At least he's having fun."
"He seems stunned to me," Olivia chipped in. She sounded surprisingly cheerful for a police officer that had just been caught skinny dipping after-hours.
"Is this what the Walk of Shame feels like?" Maura asked. The other four turned and gave her identical strange looks.
"Maura, where did you hear about the Walk of Shame?" Jane wanted to know.
"Frost told me that-"
"I take it back. I don't want to know what Frost told you. Abbie, I think this is your shirt..."
"Thanks, Jane. Hey, Benson, why are you grinning like a fool?"
Olivia's grin didn't leave as she pulled on her pants and went to work on her socks. "Because Alex didn't think about her scar."
Jane's first day back at work the following Monday was a nightmare.
"Hey, Rizzoli! You go get 'em, stud!"
"Heard you banged five chicks at once on your vacation! Leave some for the rest of us, huh?"
Jane Rizzoli nearly spit out her coffee, choking back her mouthful of the liquid at the last moment and swallowing awkwardly. Nearly crushing the Styrofoam cup with the strength of her grip, she hastily set it down on Barry Frost's desk, trying to ignore his wide grin.
"I liked the taller brunette the best," one of the patrol cops just getting off duty said, giving Jane a congratulatory slap on the back. The detective nearly fell over.
"What a rack!" one of his buddies added. Jane recognized him as one of her brother's friends.
Several voices decided to chime in with their own opinions.
"My favorite was the blonde with the dimples-"
"The one with the killer legs? Me too."
"No, the other one-"
"And holy fuck, was one of those other chicks your long lost sister or something?"
Catcalls followed Jane as she ran from the squad room, stumbling blindly into the elevator and jabbing the 'close door' button. Alone at last, she let her head fall back against the wall and closed her eyes.
After a moment of silence, she pinched herself on the upper arm. Nope, not a dream. This was real. Maybe she should have listened to her Mama and gone to Mass more often, because she was certain that she had just entered the ninth circle of hell.
Brushing past a few more people when the elevator finally stopped, Jane power-walked around the corner and down the hall towards Maura's morgue, terrified of her lover's reaction and hoping that she would arrive in time to minimize some of the damage. To her relief, she saw that Maura was alone when she caught sight of her through the glass walls surrounding the autopsy room. "Thank God," she muttered, the first words she had spoken since arriving through the front door.
She entered the morgue without bothering to knock. "Maura, the guys - I mean... everybody..." Jane's eyes widened with sudden realization, then narrowed in anger. "Abbie!" There was no other explanation. Somehow, Abbie Carmichael had managed to play the worst kind of practical joke on her from all the way in DC. "Abbie got pictures!" Jane blurted out. "And she-"
"Lower your voice, Jane. Your color looks terrible," Maura said serenely. She continued the task she had been engaged in before Jane entered the room, wiping down the autopsy table with disinfectant. "From what I understand, Abbie paid our peeping young security guard an additional sum in exchange for some candid shots from his cellular phone. Then, she sent them to your brother and let him draw his own conclusions."
"Frankie? I'm going to kill him..." She knew that Frankie would take any chance he could to get back at her after that blind date she had set him up on with the drag queen... Their escalating prank war had caused Jane more than enough headaches in the past, but none like this. "How did she even find out how to contact him?"
"I assume that she purloined your cell phone at some point during breakfast the following morning and wrote down his phone number..." Jane opened her mouth, then closed it again, unable to find words to express her complete and utter disbelief.
"What I don't understand," Maura continued, "is why you are so upset. Isn't boasting about sexual encounters, real or imagined, a part of the male bonding ritual? Besides, successfully mating with multiple females should raise your status among the group."
"You make us sound like chimpanzees or something! And I didn't 'mate successfully' with anybody!" Jane threw her hands in up frustration. Maura simply raised her eyebrows. "You don't count," the detective added flatly.
Maura tightened the corners of her mouth in order to keep a straight face. "I will pretend that I did not hear that last sentence."
Jane sank into the nearest chair and buried her head in her hands, groaning pitifully. Feeling sorry for her lover, Maura made her way over to the place where Jane had collapsed and began massaging her shoulders. "Don't worry about it," she said, working out one of the knots behind Jane's shoulder blade with both thumbs. "Frankie and his friends are police officers, and cops always have each others' backs. I'm sure their teasing isn't malicious."
"Says you." A sudden thought struck her. "Oh God, Maura, you were in those pictures! What if they get out on the Internet? They could ruin your career. They could-"
Maura chuckled. "Give Frankie the benefit of the doubt. He isn't stupid. What would you do to him if he actually gave away copies of the pictures?"
"Kill him," Jane answered automatically.
"Exactly. I'm sure that he is still in possession of the originals." For Frankie's sake as well as her own, Jane definitely hoped that Maura was right.
"How can you be so... lassiez faire about this?" Jane stuttered, borrowing one of Maura's terms.
Maura smiled. "Just think of them as reminders of a very entertaining weekend. Besides, I never got in trouble or lived dangerously as a teenager. I rather enjoyed the experience."
"I'm gonna have so much damage control to do..." Jane groaned.
"You are welcome to try, but I have a feeling that the Legend of Jane Rizzoli is only just beginning. By the time the story is finished, you will have satisfied ten gorgeous women all by yourself, leaving us naked, basking in the afterglow with sweat-slicked skin and smiles on all our faces... like a Sultana with her harem of love-slaves." Maura licked her lips, and Jane turned around to give her lover a strange look.
"Christ, what's wrong with you?" the brunette asked, but she couldn't manage to sound completely upset while Maura was looking at her like that.
"Oh, I was just imagining being your personal body slave," the medical examiner purred, leaning down to nip Jane's ear as she continued her massage. "Although I certainly object to you having a harem, I must admit that I find the rest of the idea rather appealing."
The gray-haired detective clutched the printouts protectively to his chest, shaking his head and dodging away from Olivia by spinning his desk chair. He had recently purchased a new one, citing his 'bad back' as the reason, and it was far nicer than any of his colleagues'. "Never."
Realizing that Munch would not be intimidated by threats of violence, Olivia tried a different tactic. "I'm a frumpy, middle-aged woman, John," she said, folding her arms over her chest and frowning down at him. "Aren't there enough buxom young things for you to look at online? I'm not far from fifty."
That was stretching the truth a little. Olivia was closer to forty than fifty, but a few more years would shift the balance.
"Age is irrelevant," Munch insisted. "Besides, you know that you look at least a decade younger than you are."
The compliment did not soothe Olivia's temper. "My girlfriend is in those pictures, and no one is supposed to look at her but me." She made another grab, but missed. Munch had surprisingly quick reflexes.
"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Olivia, but I think every single person at One Hogan Place and at the Courthouse has 'looked at' Alex at one time or another. Can you blame them?"
She couldn't.
"But not in her underwear."
"No, probably not. But I'm sure they would, if given the opportunity."
Olivia gripped the back of Munch's chair, spinning it around and forcing him to face her. He shoved the pictures underneath his legs where she couldn't reach them, and she grimaced. "Give me the pictures," she said, "and I won't murder you for changing all my ring tones."
"Why not murder Abbie?" Munch suggested. "She gave them to me."
"Oh, trust me, I'm going to kill her too. I'm counting on Alex to get me off."
Munch smirked, and then started laughing hysterically. Olivia moaned as she reviewed the words in her head. "Not like that, you pervert! Give me those!" Reaching for a corner that peeked out from underneath Munch's knee, she tried to tug the print-outs loose, but only succeeded in wrinkling them.
"Hey! Don't ruin my collection."
"Collection?" Olivia's eyes narrowed. "Munch, I'm serious. Give me those pictures before I tell Alex that you have them."
That finally got through to the reluctant detective. While Olivia might bluster and threaten, Alex was truly dangerous if you got on her bad side. With a heavy sigh, he produced the papers and handed them over to Olivia, who immediately headed for the bathroom. She was taking no chances with the paper shredder. Knowing Munch, he would probably find a way to tape them back together.
Glancing both ways to make sure that Olivia was gone, Munch fiddled idly with the flash drive in his pocket, only to feel eyes burning into the back of his neck. "Hand it over, buddy," Elliot Stabler said, clapping a large hand on Munch's shoulder from behind.
"Hand what over?" Munch asked, trying to play innocent.
"The copies," Elliot insisted. "Do you think I'm stupid?"
With another heavy sigh of loss, Munch pulled out the treasured flash drive and relinquished it to Olivia's back up. "This is a crime against humanity," Munch insisted. "A conspiracy of the vilest sort."
"Yeah, yeah. I'm just looking out for you, John. Do you really want to mess with Cabot?"
"Guess not," Munch admitted sulkily. "Oh well, I suppose I'll always have my fond memories..." And the encrypted e-mail on his laptop...
Serena let out a cheer and drank another shot of vodka, sinking back into the couch cushions and leaning heavily against Olivia's shoulder. Fortunately Alex, who was perched half way on Olivia's lap and using the arm of the couch to make up the difference, was merely amused. "It's six to four," the smaller blonde recounted aloud even though everyone could clearly see the score of the baseball game on the television screen. "Which team am I cheering for again?"
"The Yankees," Casey Novak lied, adjusting her baseball cap and crossing her arms over her breasts.
"The Red Sox," Jane corrected. She had just finished a victory dance, much to Casey's annoyance. "Remember? You said you wanted to cheer for the team opposite Abbie." Taking her seat on the floor, the Boston detective rested her head in Maura's lap and continued to watch the game from between the medical examiner's legs. Casey stuck out her tongue at Jane, who returned fire by reaching into the popcorn bowl and throwing several kernels at the redhead.
Olivia just shook her head and began stroking Alex's denim covered thigh. Although she didn't wear them often, seeing the attorney in jeans was a real treat. "I knew bringing these two together was a bad idea," she muttered, watching Casey and Jane make faces at each other. Maura and Alex were sipping wine while she and Jane nursed their beers, but Serena had insisted on something different. The former ADA enjoyed expensive wines as much as Alex, but when she really wanted to get drunk, she preferred vodka, and was much more inebriated than the rest of them. Alex, on the other hand, preferred her vodka in a stereotypical uptown girl Cosmo.
"All right," the detective said authoritatively, "that's enough for you." She stroked Serena's hair affectionately. "You're already going to have one hell of a headache tomorrow if you do a shot every time the Sox score."
"In that case, I hope you black out, Serena!" Jane said, whooping and spilling her popcorn as a well-placed bunt landed a Boston batter on first base. She took a pull of her beer, and Casey scowled.
"That was a hit, not a run."
Jane simply grinned at her. "I was thirsty."
Bleary-eyed, Serena tried to look around for a drink, but found that her glass was empty and a well-meaning Olivia had confiscated the bottle. "More," she demanded, sounding like a three year old as she gestured towards the bottle.
"No," Alex said, taking pity on Olivia and deciding to help her lover. "Why don't you close your eyes for a minute, Ser. You look like you can't decide whether to fall over or burst into song."
"Jane, stop that!" Maura's admonishment distracted Alex, Serena, and Olivia from the bottle of vodka. They turned to see Casey and Jane engaged in an all-out snack war. Casey had purloined a box of Chex Mix (which Alex detested but Olivia loved) and started firing at random. Several pieces had landed in Jane's hair, and unfortunately, Maura found that she was an unintended casualty of war.
The medical examiner frowned, brushing several pieces of popcorn and Chex from her skirt. "That's it, I'm cutting you off."
Jane wrapped a protective arm around her popcorn bowl, and then moved her beer out of reach when she realized that Maura might have been referring to her drink instead. "No," the honey blonde corrected, "from sex. If you don't stop acting like a child, I'm cutting you off from sex."
Obviously torn, the brunette bemoaned the unfairness of her situation. "But she's... she's... one of them!" she protested. Maura had no sympathy.
"Jane, behave."
"Yeah, Jane, behave," Casey parroted, throwing another missile at Jane.
Alex aimed a smack at the back of Casey's head. "You'd better stop too, or I'll tell everyone all about the time when you and Jack-"
"What?" a voice nearly shouted in surprise. Abbie, who had just returned from the bathroom, was stunned by the tail end of the conversation. "Casey, you slept with Jack McCoy?"
"Jesus Christ, no! I would never!"
Abbie breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank God. Even a straight girl's gotta have some taste, especially since you wouldn't fuck me, and everyone knows I'm gorgeous." She emphasized the last word with a deep southern accent and threw herself onto the couch next to Serena, making her stir where she was nestled against Olivia's side.
"Abbie, I want some," she demanded as the Texan picked up her drink from the side table and took a long swig.
"No!" Olivia, Alex, and Maura ordered in unison. Unlike the detective and the lawyer, Maura had no interest in monitoring Serena's alcohol intake. She was more concerned with her girlfriend's attempts to wrestle Casey's Yankees cap off of her head. She suspected that Jane might try and destroy the "profane object", and had no desire to buy Casey a new one if she succeeded.
Jane pouted and moved to the other side of the floorspace in front of the couch, separating herself from the disgruntled Yankees fan. "You've won this round, Novak, but we'll still win the game!"
"It's only the fifth inning," Casey retorted.
"Really?" Olivia asked in surprise. Judging by Serena's intoxicated state, she had assumed they were in the seventh or eighth at least. She had been too intent on playing babysitter to bother keeping track. Since she was a Mets fan herself, Olivia didn't have a particularly strong stake in the game, and wasn't thrilled with either team.
"6-4? Dammit!" The Texan didn't follow baseball at all. In true Southern style, she enjoyed Football, NASCAR, drinking, and being a stereotype. She was only rooting for the Yankees this time because she liked irritating Jane. Similarly, Serena had decided to side with Boston in order to cheer against Abbie. That way, she figured, at least one of them would end up getting victory sex...
"We're winning," Serena said, her words fairly clear considering the amount of alcohol in her system.
"How about some blood for the alcohol in your veins?" Alex muttered. "I think it's time for you to start keeping an eye on your woman, Abbie. I'm taking this back to the kitchen." She stood, slightly unsteady herself from the amount of wine she had consumed, and carried her glass, Olivia's empty beer bottle, and the remaining vodka to the kitchen, wrinkling her nose as she glanced at it. It was the cheap tinted and flavored variety usually preferred by college students instead of financially comfortable, middle-aged women, and definitely not to her taste. "Ugh, I'll stick with mixed drinks when I go for vodka, thank you very much..." she mumbled to herself as she left the room.
"Abbie?" Serena asked in surprise, seemingly noticing her lover for the first time. She smiled broadly and changed positions, leaving her warm place against Olivia in favor of snuggling with Abbie.
The Texan grinned. "Sorry, Benson. I probably shoulda warned you that she's a cuddler when she's plastered."
"She was fine," the detective said generously. "I have a feeling she's going to hate herself tomorrow, though."
"Maybe," Abbie admitted, "But that doesn't mean I won't enjoy tonight. Alcohol usually makes Serena horny, especially vodka..."
Casey, who had decided to join the conversation during a lull in the game, put her hands over her ears and rocked back and forth. "Too much information!"
"Come on, Novak, you're gay-er than the rest of us put together except for the fact that you're straight."
The redhead shrugged. "Since I hang out with you guys all the time, some things were bound to rub off... I guess I caught the gay gene."
Maura clicked her tongue disapprovingly. "You know perfectly well that lesbianism isn't contagious."
"I dunno," Jane pondered, resting her chin just above Maura's knee and gazing slyly up at her lover. "You passed it on to me easily enough."
For a moment, Maura looked shocked and a little offended, but then she laughed. "I believe we are both equally culpable," she said, relieved that Jane had forgotten about taunting Casey for the moment.
Serena was equally distracted, and had forgotten about trying to find more alcohol in favor of attempting to slide her hands beneath Abbie's shirt. The Texan allowed Serena's palms to skim over her stomach muscles, but prevented them from climbing higher. "Easy, darlin', we don't want to give everyone a free show."
Serena's explorations stopped abruptly as she let out a squeal of delight. "Abbie! Remember when we faked having sex in Alex's guest room?" Unfortunately, Alex returned to the living room just in time to hear the tail-end of Serena's comment.
"-Too much information! Lalalalaaa-"
"Be quiet, Casey." Alex raised her eyebrows and gazed at Serena sternly over the tops of her glasses. Even while slightly drunk, she managed to be intimidating. "You were faking?"
Olivia confirmed Serena's story. "Yep. Apparently, Carmichael's more of a gentlewoman than we thought. She actually wooed the fair lady before bedding her while you were globetrotting."
"So," Maura inquired, "is it reasonable to assume that the household rules permit making love in the guest bedroom?" she asked. After all, Jane's behavior had improved significantly. For her part, Jane was just relieved that she had broken her lover's habit of referring to their physical relationship as 'sexual intercourse', a term she found extremely un-sexy. Making love was a little "gushy" in her opinion, but a vast improvement, and pretty accurate anyway.
Alex nodded. "For you two, yes. Even if Abbie and Serena were faking that time, I know for a fact that they've put the guest room to good use on more than one occasion... despite my repeated requests that they restrain themselves." She frowned and shook her head as another memory resurfaced.
"You should have knocked," Abbie said, capturing Serena's wrists and kissing her fingers to try and distract the blonde from her attempts at disrobing them both. "And why are Maura and Jane in the guest room, anyway?"
"Because Maura is politer than you are," Alex fired back. Abbie gave Alex a fake wounded look until the attorney added, "you and Serena are in the master bedroom. And you can even fuck if you change the sheets."
This was news to Olivia. "Then where are we sleeping? Not with them, I hope."
"In the living room..." A solid thwack from the sound system followed by the roar of the crowd caused Casey to jump out of her seat, throwing her bag of Chex mix in the air as she lifted her hands in the air triumphantly. Several pieces landed on Alex's lap, and she sighed, shaking her head as Casey pumped her fists and cheered. "Apparently covered in snacks. I didn't know that the forecast called for heavy snack showers."
Casey blushed, shooting Alex a sheepish grin. "And where am I sleeping?"
"I'm afraid you're in here with us. Sorry, Case, I couldn't justify putting you in a king sized bed all by yourself."
"I'd offer to let you share with me and Ser," Abbie offered, "but I don't think you want to risk it with the kind of mood she's in..." The Texan didn't have to explain further, because she was currently trying to pry Serena's lips away from her collarbone.
"You are more than welcome to sleep in the guest bedroom with us, Casey," Maura said, surprising everyone. "Jane and I are sober enough to... restrain ourselves."
Casey stuck out her lower lip and shook her head firmly. "No way. I'm sure you're fine, Maura, but I refuse to get in the same bed as a Red Sox fan."
"Fine," Jane shot back. "I didn't want you there anyway."
"If it's any consolation, you get the couch," Alex said as she tried to collect some of the spilled popcorn pieces and Chex mix from the carpet. "Liv and I are sharing the blow-up mattress..."
"Which isn't very comfortable," Olivia added.
Jane snorted. "Aw, they're cute... finishing each other's sentences. It's like bad lesbian TV."
Casey was preoccupied with another thought. "Have you had sex on the blow-up mattress?"
"No..." Olivia answered. "Why?"
"I'll take that instead. The couch is covered in popcorn kernels, Serena is trying to get lucky on it right now, and Abbie might have let slip that you two have used that couch for nefarious purposes."
Another crack, followed by cheers."YES!" Jane whooped, leaping to her feet and doing an insane victory dance that made Maura bury her face in her hands. "Enjoy losing and enjoy the blow-up bed, Novak!"
The only three people who weren't distracted by Jane's victory dance were Serena, Abbie, and Olivia. The Texan was having a very difficult time keeping Serena's hands out of inappropriate places for a public gathering, and the detective was amused at her friend's predicament. It wasn't often that Abbie found herself caught in a compromising situation that she hadn't orchestrated. Olivia winked. "Get outta here, Carmichael. Take it to the bedroom and get lucky since I can't."
Not wanting to draw any more awkward attention to herself, Abbie helped Serena off the couch as the blonde finally succeeded in unzipping her jeans and slipping a slender hand inside. "Gah! Okay..." With a little bit of effort, Abbie managed to coax her drunk charge down the hall towards the master bedroom.
"Throw the sheets in the wash when you make me coffee in the morning!" Alex hollered after them before letting her head fall onto Olivia's shoulder and closing her eyes.
"I think both of those requests are wishful thinking," Olivia said, tucking Alex's hair behind her ear and kissing her temple. "Twenty bucks says Abbie stumbles out of our room at about twelve thirty tomorrow afternoon with a serious case of bedhead."
Alex didn't bother opening her eyes. "Our checking accounts are linked. Betting you money is worthless," she said without moving from her spot. "I'll bet you the first orgasm after this insane crowd leaves tomorrow afternoon." Olivia spared a glance at Jane and Casey, who were pantomiming a spirited debate with their hands while Maura tried to keep the situation under control.
"All right, blondie. You're on."
"You mean in."
"In?" Olivia frowned.
Alex cracked one eye open lazily. "In me, while you're giving me the orgasm I'm going to win from you. Start thinking about how you're going to pay up."
The End