~ I Thought I Heard a Cricket ~
by Red Hope

Disclaimers: Violence… There is no violence… the only violence there could be is the pain in your stomach from laughing too hard.

Subtext/Sex… Yup! that's always a yes.

Copyright… I've borrowed Xena Gabrielle and Argo too but the rest is mine, mine. So don't snag my idea or plot. Thank you!

This story is for my sexy lady, who I always try to remind that crickets are as natural as using the toilet. And I always have to thank my parents for teaching me the values of the cricket. I hope ya'll have a great laugh with me! And a Merry, Merry Christmas too all!

Series: Other

Series: Other Series Number: 11 Story Number: 50

Started: December 20th 2001, Thursday

Ended: December 20th 2001, Thursday

If anybody has comments about my story please let me know at:

redhope@redhope.net

I gave my usual nod of approval to my soul mate while I brushed back short blond strands from my face.

"I'm happy that you like the site," half grumbled the Warrior Princess.

I just smirked back at my warrior then turned to my stallion. "Come on, boy. Time to untack… we finally found our camp site." As I walked towards a spot near the trees, I noted Xena rolling her eyes at what I said and well, my smirk just got bigger.

Xena tugged on Argo's reins. "Come on, girl."

Argo whined a bit then followed behind her mistress.

"I agree," muttered my warrior to her horse. "She is a brat."

"I heard that," I called over to my partner. "And don't think you're getting your Solstice gift with those smart remarks."

"Yeah, yeah," yelled the warrior. "It only took us five hours to find the perrrrrfect site for you."

I dropped the saddle to the ground and spun around on my toes to face Xena. "Xena, its Solstice eve tonight and I wanted to make sure we found the right spot to share it."

Yet again, I saw my warrior roll her eyes and huff as she put her hands on her hips. "Well I hope you're happy now, my Queen?" I could tell she was joking by the small grin playing on her lips.

I suddenly let a sweet smile tweak my lips and I slowly strutted over to my soul mate. Once close enough, I took Xena's hands into my own. "Thank you, Xena… I'm very happy." I batted my eyes twice for an extra affect.

The warrior chuckled as she was quite amused but she bent down and whispered, "Then I'm very happy." She then gently kissed me.

At the end of the kiss, I stated, "Good." Then quickly turned again and walked back to my stallion to finish untacking him.

Xena, on the other hand, started pulling out the cooking supplies for me and placing them near the designated fire area. "I think I'll go looking for our Solstice dinner." She tugged her cloak closer to her body before walking towards the woods.

"Okay, I'll get the fire going." I started walking towards the cooking supplies and began to dig a small, wide hole in the ground for the fire pit. Afterwards, I collected plenty of firewood to keep us warm during the winter's night. Amazing, it had yet to snow but my better judgement told me it wouldn't be long before it would snow.

After twenty minutes or so, Xena returned with four quail and I had the fire burning by the time she was back.

My warrior came to the other side of the fire; her back to me as she gazed down at the ice covered lake. "Sssso…" She turned to me. "Feel like a swim?"

I peered up at her then down at the lake then back up at her once more. "You first."

My soul mate laughed lightly and shook her head. "Just a little too cold for me."

"Mmmm," I agreed. I then asked her, "Can you skin the quail for me?" I pointed to the still feathered and headed tiny birds.

Xena's eyebrows knitted together as she looked down at them on the plate. "Oh Hades, I forget to clean them… slipped my mind."

"So… then where's your mind been?" I taunted her.

The Warrior Princess suddenly flashed a grin and her eyes were sparkling with devilishness. "It's been on tonight."

I instantly gave her a smug look. "Thinking about that Solstice present huh?"

Xena licked her lips. "Oh yeah, you could say that."

I laughed and ripped some grass from the ground and threw it at her. "Go clean the quail, sexy."

The warrior swatted the grass away as they fell into the crackling fire. "Yes, my Queen." She picked up the plate of quail and took them to the forest; her breast dagger clicking in the air as it was removed.

As I filled the pan with a bit of oil and let it run around the pan, I felt my stomach tighten up. I settled the pan down near the fire and glance at my bare stomach between the cloak. "Hmmm." I shook my head then place the pan over the fire to warm up.

I stayed down squatting near the fire to stay warm, not really wanting to move from the warmth. But then, I felt my stomach turn faintly and then suddenly a noise sounded from behind and my butt went warm for a second as well. I looked around for a moment and pressed my lips together, I sensed my cheeks warming then cooling again.

"What was that?" inquired my warrior from the edge of the forest. She held the plate of skinned quails in her right hand.

"What was what?" I asked innocently.

"That… noise?" Xena raised a very high eyebrow as she continued towards me again.

"Mmmm." I shrugged and replied, "A cricket."

"Gabrielle, that was not a cricket." She placed the plate down beside me. She put her hands on her hips. "What was that?"

"A cricket… like I said." I brushed her off but a grin tinted my lips as I started placing the quail on the heated pan.

"Uh huh." Xena bit her lower lip from laughing yet she went over to Gabrielle's saddle and collected the bedroll and furs. She started walking back over.

My stomach then gurgled quietly and I felt something filling my butt. And before I could take control another noise came from behind and both sets of my cheeks went warm again.

Xena peered up from where she was kneeling beside the bedroll she was setting down. "A cricket huh?"

"Yesss," I faintly growled back, I looked at her from the corner of my eye. "They're still out yah know."

"Rrrright." Xena put the last fur on top and stared at me with a huge, evil grin. "You farted… twice."

I turned my head to her, and I gaped at her. "I did not!"

"Oh yes you did, Gabrielle," she countered right away. "You cracked one off." She started laughing to herself.

"Xena, I do not crack farts off."

"Then what was that noise coming from behind you huh?"

"I told you, a cricket."

Xena just rolled her eyes again today and laughed again. "Sure." She sat down on the log; her eyes pinned directly on me. "Okay, so you cricketed."

This time, I rolled my eyes at her and reached over to take a fur off the bedroll. I placed it under me and sat down. "Xena, you can't tell me you've never farted?"

"I don't fart," stated the warrior seriously.

"Oh come on, Xen… you can tell me." I gave her a huge grin. "I won't write it in my scrolls."

"Gabrielle, I don't." Xena had a proud look and added, "Princesses do not fart."

I leaned forward a bit, my eyes piercing up to her. "Come on, I know you have… spill the beans."

"More like fart the beans for you," taunted back my soul mate.

"Xena," I whined.

My partner shook her head. "I've never farted."

"Yes you have… tell me," I urged.

Xena licked her lips, looked to the right then to the left and back at me. "Okay…"

My lips broke out into a huge evil smile. "Give," I commanded hastily.

My warrior sighed and quietly said, "I only fart in public… open areas and silent farts."

I couldn't hold it in, I fell over laughing so hard, my arms around my stomach. The mental image of my soul mate, the Warrior Princess, walking down the road and quietly farting beside me was too much. I tried to calm my breathing and I looked up at Xena with tears coming down my eyes. "Oh that's so funny!"

The Warrior Princess just sat there, grinning, and fully amused by my laughter.

I controlled my laughter a bit and sat up. "You know what?" I wiped the laughing tears from my cheeks.

"What?"

"You know what farting is really good for?"

The warrior shrugged and asked, "Warming your ass?"

"Well that too." I took a deep breath. "But every time you fart, its like giving you extra motion." I start giggling again. "The fart pushes you forward." I suddenly broke out laughing hysterically again.

I heard Xena chuckle a few times and I knew she was shaking her head at me.

I tried stopping my laughter but it was too hard from all the mental images of Xena farting, which I just could never expect out of her. I finally tried pushing the images out of my mind and took long breaths. I sat back up looked to my friend. "Oh what about the toilet?" I inquired.

Xena shrugged to me and answered, "Who doesn't fart on a toilet? I mean that's uncontrollable."

I only giggled a bit this time but then asked, "Have you ever laughed so much or just so hard that it made you fart?"

"Oh gods." The warrior laughed a bit herself. "Yes, once when I was young. Lyceus wouldn't let me live it down either."

I smirked and then it died down. "Yeah that's happened to me a few too many times." I grinned and Xena grinned back at me. "Does Cyrene fart a lot?"

"Oh gods," moaned my partner. "All the time! Mother can never put a cork in it."

I began laughing yet again but settled down. "Yeah, mother and father did all the time around Lila and I. After awhile you just don't even notice. Mother would always say it was just a cricket."

"Ooooh." Xena nodded, now putting the pieces together.

"Mmmm… Xena, I can't believe you don't fart well… noisy crickets." I shook me head. "All old people do," I muttered.

The Warrior Princess raised an eyebrow rather fast and asked, "Am I that old?"

"Wwwellll…" I grinned. "I guess when you start farting noisy crickets you'll know then."

Xena laughed a bit and said, "That does seem to come with age huh?"

"Uh huh," I agreed. "You know though," I started out of thought, "its not really such a bad thing."

"How is that?"

"Well… think about it." I started another grin on my lips. "Its like… well good hygiene, seriously."

Xena started laughing at what I was saying.

"I'm serious," I continued, "its natural like well… like going to the bathroom." I shook my head and added, "I mean, our bodies do it for a reason… why not just let it go? Everybody always gets embarrassed."

Xena stopped her laughing slowly and said, "Well sometimes those crickets happen to come at a bad time, you know?"

"Sure… but still… why be embarrassed?" I shook my head and looked down at the quail. "Its natural."

"Maybe you'll find out one day." Xena chuckled and moved near me to help with the dishes.

I put two quails on either of our plates and Xena handed me my plate after I ridded myself of my plate. She handed me my fork and knife. "Thanks."

Silently, we began to eat together on the fur blanket. The quail were perfect and after we had that we ate some of our fresh fruit from the village we stopped at yesterday.

"Mmmm," I mumbled between an apple, "thank you though for putting up with my complaining of the camps," I said after I ate an apple bit.

Xena smiled at me and replied, "Anytime, love." She gazed about the campsite in the late afternoon. "I like this one the best too."

"Good." I smiled warmly at my partner before asking, "Can we watch the sunset?"

The warrior smiled tenderly back to me and leaned over to kiss my cheek. "Of course. Come on."

Together we stood, and we walked down to the lake and sat on a log. We'd brought the fur with us to cover ourselves and finished off our fruit. Slowly, we watch the daily decent of the sun in the east. The sun's red, orange, and purple rays reflecting of the icy lake and into our eyes.

I sighed happily and dropped my head onto Xena's shoulder, Xena did the same. I took a long, deep breath and whispered, "Happy Solstice, Xen."

My soul mate kissed my head and uttered back, "Happy Solstice too, Gabrielle."

"Mmmm love you," I quietly added after.

"Love you too." I sensed Xena's smile on her lips.

After we watched the sunset, we walked back to camp and sat to exchange out Solstice gifts. I opened my gifts first from Xena, my grin getting bigger as I open the gift carefully. Xena kept her eyes on me, a happy smile on her lips.

"Oh Xena…" I whispered while staring down at the golden quill lying in the white cloth. "It's so gorgeous." I smiled up to her, my eyes watery.

"I'm glad you like it."

"Love it," I quickly corrected. I peered down at the gold quill, my fingers carefully running down the quill feeling the smooth precious metal.

"I figured since you're such a famous bard that you needed an appropriate quill to write your stories down with." Xena's eyes never moved from looking at me.

"It's more than appropriate." I shook my head and carefully folded it back up in the wrap to keep it safe. I lifted my head and said, "Go on, open yours."

My soul mate chuckled and picked up the wrapped item from in front of her. She held it in her right hand while her left carefully pulled the cloth edges away.

Slowly, I saw the item reappear before my lover beneath the folds of the wrap. I watched as Xena just stared with an awed expression and it made me smile.

"Oh gods, Gabrielle this had to be expensive." Xena looked to me with a worried expression.

I gave her a bright grin. "You know me, I find my ways." I winked at her.

My warrior carefully picked up the tiny item from in the middle of the cloth. She slowly and gently slipped it onto her middle finger with a perfect fit. "Its beautiful." She studied the ring on her finger.

I felt my face glow with a bright smile. "If you look carefully, you'll see how a… ledge comes over the sapphires to lock them in."

She nodded while carefully studying the sapphire, sterling silver ring in the firelight. The gems reflected the yellow light into our eyes.

"I see that," whispered Xena.

"That should keep the stone in so you won't have to worry about them falling out when you're fighting."

Xena smiled to me and quickly reached out to pull me in for a large hug. After the hug, she lowered her head and kissed me for several moments.

I sighed at the end and whispered, "Look inside of the ring."

The warrior took the ring off carefully and peered inside, tilting it to read a small inscription. "To Xena, Love Gabrielle." She smiled yet again while slipping the ring on again. "Thank you, Gabrielle."

"Thank you too, Xen."

"Hmmmm." Xena took my hands carefully. "Now, for my favorite part about Solstice."

"What's that?" I uttered.

"Spending time with the person I love and need the most." My soul mate started to lay back and pulled me with her into the bedrolls.

I giggled a bit but stretched out to grab my scroll bag and slipped my gold quill in it. "Okay, better now." I gazed back at her and smiled. "This is the best part," I agreed finally.

The Warrior Princess smiled lovingly and pulled my head down for a long kiss.

Well, the next morning we both woke up to a pleasant surprise. I was laying partially on top of Xena, she was still asleep from a long night. As I slowly opened my eyes, I found a white, glistening thing floating down into one of my eyes. After I wiped it out of my eye, I lifted my head and gazed about and saw that everything was caked in a fine layer of snow. "Xena, Xena?"

"Hmmmm?" The warrior opened her eyes, brushing her bangs back and asked, "What?"

"Look, look around," I uttered in awe.

My warrior lifted her head now and slowly her eyes enlarged. "Snowing." She quickly pushed herself up and leaned back on her elbows.

I studied the area about us that was now cloaked in white snow. "It's so beautiful."

"Mmmm," silently agreed my partner. "I nice way to wake up."

"Uh huh." I revealed a smile to the wonderful, white morning. "Its just perfect."

The warrior chuckled as her own smile formed.

Slowly, we'd gotten up in the snowy morning and had a light breakfast deciding to find the nearest town for a large lunch. We put together our stuff in our bags then saddled up our horses. Together, we started walking down the white road and our smiles from when we woke up had never left. It was a great Solstice for us.

And then well, yet another surprised came that morning….

Xena smiled at me while walking beside me, our horses behind us.

I think crinkled my nose up when I heard a noise behind Xena. My head whipped up and I stared at her in shock. "Xena…."

"Oops… sorry, it was a cricket," stated Xena, an evil smile shaping her expression.

I stopped walking, and I completely broke out laughing with my back hunched over and my arms around my stomach.

Xena walked a few more steps then turned to me. "My butt was cold." That only made me laugh even harder.

But in a way, I guess she didn't think it was such a bad thing after all. Especially considering what happened to me last night. And oh, I am not talking about the couple of crickets by the campfire. During our time last night, I learned exactly what Xena meant about crickets being embarrassing sometimes. Just sometimes cricketing right when you're about to release into ecstasy certainly falls under an embarrassing moment. However, it was still quite the Merry Solstice and one of the best times with my soul mate.

Thee End