I awoke in darkness choking and trying to breathe, for a moment of panic I couldn't remember anything. Then slowly I remembered that I wanted to die. Did my best to do just this one thing right. I took a handful of pills and a couple of glasses of wine knowing the combination should kill me. I passed out. I now was completely covered and then suddenly I wasn't there was the sound of zipper moving above me and then bright light poured in. Oh my God I'm in a body bag. The face greeting me above was white with shock.
I was waiting for the coroner to do an autopsy on the DOA and then I would take her to my funeral home. Suddenly I heard gurgling and the bag was moving, Oh my God, She's alive! I thought as I unzipped the bag to look into dazed blue eyes of a very beautiful woman.
The petite young woman helped me to sit up. I was soon to learn that she was a funeral director and I was indeed declared dead.
God had a really weird sense of humor. Here I really wanted to die and the paramedics and emergency personal declared me dead and I wasn't. Damn. I really felt sorry for this young woman.
she was handling the situation well though. She must of felt like she was in a middle of some horror movie poor kid. She was still white as a sheet though. I can't believe I'm still sitting in a body bag and I'm worried about how someone else was feeling. I'm such an idiot.
She gave me a glass of water and called one of the ER doctors from upstairs to come and look at me. As they whisked me out of the room the last thing I saw was her sad green eyes.
After the poor woman was whisked away I decided to go home since I was not needed. I couldn't get her out of my mind though. Why would such a beautiful woman try to kill herself? Why did they think she was dead? Why was I of all people the one that found her? And the most important question why can I not stop seeing those beautiful blue eyes in my minds eye?
I changed my clothes to more casual attire and called a friend at the hospital who told me that she was moved to the psychiatric ward. She was under observations since suicide is illegal in this state. I wanted?needed to see her so I drove back to hospital
They moved me to the Psycho Ward I was relieved that it didn't have padded walls. The bed had restraints but since I was cooperating they felt there was no need for them. They asked if I wanted to let anyone know I was alive. I said no that I was all alone. Well I almost was, I did still have a mother but she felt I was not good enough to her daughter. I knew that I would let her know in a day or two. I did love her and in her own weird fashion she loved me but I just wasn't up to any more confrontations.
The last one was the last straw that led me to where I am now. After constant badgering about my non-existent love life I finally told my mother that I was gay. She didn't disown me or turn her back on me I think I could of handled that. No, She said I was a failure and that she was ashamed of me. That's my Mom the queen of guilt.
I just couldn't seem to get a break in life, I lost a lover, a job and my mother all in 48hrs. I really could cared less about my uninteresting job. My lover decided to confront me at work which lead me to being fired. I realized quickly that I just didn't love this woman. I just really needed to feel something. I couldn't seem to feel anything about anyone. She had been willing for a long time and I told her point blank that she was not my girlfriend. Right from the start, that we were just going to have fun. Well isn't being honest just grand, she loved it, that's when all hell broke loose.
So after all was said and done, I went to my apartment listening to some obnoxious trite radio show and thought, What the hell am I doing here? I walked to my bathroom and got the valium that they gave me after a neck injury in car accident and a bottle of good white wine and decided with a smirk, Synara baby.
Oh well next time after I fool these guys I will try again?
I was led to a room in the ward and asked to leave my Jacket and purse with the attendendant.
Then they let me into her room. Her eyes were huge as she watched me enter, I think she was expecting one of the doctors.
"Hi."
"Um?Hi."
"Do you feel better?"
She shrugged her shoulders and said, "I guess. Uh?.What are you doing here?"
"I was worried about you and?well I wanted to see you." I replied shyly looking at my hands not able to meet those laser like blue eyes.
"Why?" She asked me in a stunned voice.
I slowly brought my eyes up and looked into confused blue eyes. "I need to?I'm not sure?the moment I saw you?.I felt?"
"You felt?"
"Connected."
Two eyebrows disappeared into raven black bangs and she flushed saying quietly, "Your kidding?
Why would a nice kid like you feel that way about a failure like me?"
I walked up next to her and kneeled by her taking her hands into my own. I said, "You might have made mistakes. We all make mistakes, but you are not a failure."
There were tears falling from her closed eyes and she said, "Not everyone tries to kill themselves. If they did we'd be up to our necks in dead bodies?"
"Please believe me I see death every day?I'm really glad your alive and well..I ?I really would like to be your friend."
A very shaky hand reached up and caressed my cheek and she asked in throaty voice,"Really?"
I nodded my head and lifted her hands gently giving them a tender kiss, I looked up into teary blue eyes and asked, "Yes, Do you think I could be your friend?"
"I think you already are my friend," She said quietly back with the sweetest smile I ever saw.
"Thank you friend?.Um what's your name?" I asked with a shy smile.
Suddenly she burst out laughing and brought me up to the bed next to her giving me a hug,"You are so sweet. My name is Betty, Whats yours?"
"Kathy," I said hugging her back, It felt so right to be holding her like this especially when she had been so hurt.
There was suddenly a quick knock on the door and the Betty's doctor entered. We separated quickly before he came all the way in. He looked at us and smiled saying, "I'm really sorry to cut your visit short Miss Ritter but I have to examine Miss Murry now."
"I'll be back tomorrow, Betty."
"Till then my friend."
I was sitting alone in my room again but for the first time in a long time I didn't feel so alone. I knew that Kathy would be back. I could feel it in my heart. It's a strange way to make friends with someone as special as Kathy. Maybe God wasn't doing this as a big gag, May be God did this to make my dreams come true and give me some one in my life who cares if I live or die. God gave me Kathy, my special new friend and for that I am very grateful.
The End (or the beginning)