Chapter Ten: Shadows of the Past

They were right on time and breakfast was waiting for them on the back porch. They talked about the party and finally Janet asked about Yussef. "You two seem very close, Gabrielle."

"It's been more than twenty years since we last had the opportunity to talk privately. It's a simple story: We found her some 300 years ago when she was barely more than a toddler. Her parents were dead and we raised her. She became a member of the Royal Guard and on one of our rare joint missions with the Tok'ra, Garshaw's former host was wounded beyond her ability to heal her. Yussef volunteered."

The Queen's answer lacked her usual detail and thoroughness. This led the two Air Force Officers to believe that there was a lot more to this story than she was ready to tell. "I didn't want to bring up hurtful memories, Queen Gabrielle."

"You didn't, Janet. In fact we asked you to come here because we think that you deserve to know the whole story about what happened yesterday, and why it worked. In a way Yussef is a part of this story. I suggest we go inside and make ourselves comfortable." Xena said.


~*~


They took their usual seats to the right and left of the unlit fireplace with Gabrielle nestled in Xena's arms and Samantha cradling Janet. They had spent many evenings this way, talking about SG-1's missions and Amazon history, about their days in the infirmary and the laboratories. They found that there were very few topics they couldn't discuss; sometimes very passionately.

"Xena usually is not one for many words; that's more my domain. But today my Consort insists that she has to be the one telling the story that has to be told."

"Gabrielle had just found Yussef. She was three years old and alone in a big city where no one cared if she lived or died. Her mother had died a couple of days earlier, and she was aimlessly wandering the streets. She clung to Gabrielle as if she were a lifeline. We couldn't take away her pain, but we could offer her a new life; so we brought her back to Gaia.

"Our annual trip to the other planets was about to begin, but Yussef was still very shy with strangers; so we decided that for once I would go without the Queen. All these new faces and places would be too disturbing, too frightening for the girl.

"We had a new scout ship, faster than anything the Gao'uld ever had, and I was eager to test its flight capabilities. At first I wanted to go alone. The Queen's Consort doesn't necessarily warrant a Royal Guard and I was sure that I would be able to deal with any threats without help. On a whim Athena offered to come with me. She told me that she had a case of cabin fever.

"The trip went smoothly and we were way ahead of schedule. On the way back to Gaia we received a distress signal from the Tok'ra. Artemis had a bad feeling about it, but Athena and I wanted to help. We intercepted the ship and ran into an ambush. We escaped but Athena was severely injured." Xena said with pain in her voice.

Gabrielle subtly changed her position, allowing her to put a comforting hand on her wife's back. "Artemis also was wounded and too weak to heal her host. She needed a new host and I was the only one available. We both knew that it could only be a temporary solution because my body sooner or later would reject the symbiote due to the changes she herself had made in my physiology and body chemistry.

"If I hadn't been too arrogant to take a couple of guards, they never would have been able to harm Athena.

"As soon as the transference was made, Athena's body changed. She became pure, white energy and simply disappeared. Artemis' knowledge and feelings were overwhelming for me.

"I could feel the pain Athena's passing caused her, and I could feel her anger at having walked into an ambush - her growing need for revenge. It was a feeling I could relate to and it grew stronger every minute, fuelled by my own darkness.

"Artemis has always been a warrior, but she was a warrior without darkness in her heart or her soul. She enjoyed her skills, but she always tried not to kill. This changed the moment she blended with me.

"The darkness in my soul was poisoning her, step by step. I could feel it growing inside of me and of her, and I knew that I would lose the battle. It was an all too familiar feeling.

"I programmed an automated course back to Gaia, disabled my access codes, left a note, and locked myself in one of the storage rooms." The raven haired woman fell silent.

"When the ship landed…" Gabrielle continued.

"Please, my love. I have to tell this story." Xena pleaded.

"I know, Xena, but I don't have to like it. Take your time." Gabrielle answered.

"By the time the ship arrived on Gaia I had reverted back to what I once was: Xena, Destroyer of Nations. There was no love and no compassion left in me, only the desire to kill all those responsible for Athena's death. I wanted revenge.

"After sedating me and getting me off the ship, Gabrielle and Egeria were successful in separating my body from the symbiote but the darkness was not easily overcome. Artemis was as helpless against it as I was, but she at least tried to fight it.

"I didn't; I greeted the darkness like an old friend, the old friend it is for me. Artemis was held in a suspension tank, but Egeria had no way to bring her old personality back. So, she erased her memory and gave her a new Tok'ra identity."

"Jolinar!" Samantha said slightly stunned. "That's why the thing with Tirrin worked. Artemis and Jolinar did it. Xena and I were only along for the ride."

"No, Samantha, you're wrong. When Egeria first explained to us what had to be done, Xena and I thought that we could handle it alone. We didn't want you in harm's way. She warned us that Nirrti's darkness was too strong for Xena to face alone, even with my help. She could have fallen prey to it once again. We all were needed to succeed. You were far more than just along for the ride. Please, my love, let me tell the rest." Gabrielle asked.

"No, Gabrielle. It's my fault and my shame, so it also is my duty to talk about it. It may have happened 300 years ago, but it still burns in my soul. And I have to do this the right way."

The tall woman closed her eyes for a moment and scooted out from behind her wife. She knelt with her back to the fireplace, her knees slightly apart, and her hands with the palms upwards on top of her knees.

Over the last few weeks Samantha had learned enough about Amazon ways and customs to let her heart hurt at the sight of the formidable warrior in such a position of servitude. Her eyes quickly wandered towards the Queen whose face spoke loudly of her misgivings and the pain she felt at her partner's self-humiliation.

"I speak as one who has sinned against the Amazon Nation. I speak as one who has sinned against her Queen, and against her wife. I speak as one who has dishonoured herself. Hear the story of my shame."

"Xena, this isn't necessary." Janet said unable to stand it any longer.

"It is, Janet. It's necessary for both of you. In time you will understand. Let me do what has to be done." The kneeling woman answered.

There was so much pain in her eyes; every instinct and every nerve ending in her body told the small doctor to somehow make it stop. However, after having witnessed Samantha dealing with the aftermath of Jolinar's actions and her sacrifice, she knew that sometimes talking, confessing was the only way to ease the burden of guilt.

"I think I understand, your highness. Accept my apologies for the delay."

Xena took a deep breath and then looked directly at Samantha and Janet while speaking. "Hear the story of my shame!

"From the very beginning there was darkness in my soul. After my brother died, Ares used that darkness and I became a warlord. I was barely alive when Caesar put me on a cross. I only survived because Ares left his host and joined with me. He didn't try to control me, but instead fuelled my anger and darkness. He revelled in my ruthlessness and whispered encouragements to me.

"I left Greece and headed east. At the time I was nothing more than a killing machine, that's all I was interested in. One day I met a woman and wanted to kill her, but without even trying she beat me, and only a few days later she saved my life and sent Ares running. She touched me and he left my body and fled into one of my soldiers - though at the time I didn't understand what had happened to me."

"Ares was gone, but the darkness in my soul lingered as strong as before. Over the years I learned to control it. Usually the darkness in my soul only makes itself known when I have to fight a battle or use the healing device.

"By the time we had arrived back at Gaia the darkness had won, and it became even stronger when I was separated from the symbiote. Despite everything Artemis' strength had held it at bay.

"Everything for which I had fought for hundreds of years; everything I held sacred was forgotten. Everything I had felt, everything I stood for all of a sudden didn't have any worth anymore. There was only one dominant thought in my mind: I wanted revenge.

"I wanted to kill the ones responsible for setting the trap that had killed Athena and ultimately Artemis. I wanted to kill them with my bare hands and I didn't care what I would have to do to achieve this goal. Gabrielle felt the darkness in my heart, and she tried to snap me out of it by telling me about our past, our love, our people, but I was blind to the light she offered.

"They held me prisoner, but when I stopped threatening the Queen and stopped trying to escape, the guards became complacent, and I was able to get free. I took the Queen hostage and forced the Royal Guard to follow my command. We found the trail of the cargo ship and tracked them to a trading outpost, neutral territory. Three of our attackers were still alive. I killed two of them and tortured the last. They were head-hunters, free lancers. Shiva, a minor Gao'uld with aspirations of becoming a System Lord, had put a price out for every Tok'ra or supporter of the Tok'ra. We were just a chance hit and I held him responsible.

"His home planet was easy to find and he obviously felt very safe there. It was almost too easy to get my hands on him; there was no satisfaction in it for me at all. We simply walked in his palace and brought him to our ship via a ring transporter. His personal guard was not worth the price of their weapons. I killed them, and then slowly began to torture him; nothing any Ashrak ever did to his victims comes close to what I made him endure. I literally cut him to pieces. Gabrielle pleaded with me. She wanted me to back off, but I didn't listen.

"He was dead, but my need for revenge was far from satisfied. It still burned in my soul, and I would have done everything to satisfy it. So, I set out to destroy every sign that he ever existed. We captured a Ha'tac belonging to Ra and used it to destroy every temple ever erected in his name; I didn't care how many people were in there. Sometimes it was an air raid; sometimes we went down to a planet and planted a bomb. The others refused at first. Their thirst for revenge had been assuaged by the death of the head-hunters and the end of Shiva. They only complied when I threatened to kill Gabrielle the same way I had killed Shiva.

"Eleven planets all but shot to ruins, hundreds of people dead, dozens killed by my own hands. We left Ra's ship in orbit of the main planet and returned to Gaia.

"The only good it did was that Shiva's sons Ganesha and Karttikeya held Ra responsible, and destroyed a big part of his fleet, to the point of threatening his position as a System Lord."

The tall warrior fell silent and a single glance at the Queen's face told the other women that the worst was yet to come. Xena took another deep breath but now her eyes refused to meet anyone else's in the room.

"When we returned to Gaia three squadrons were ready to overwhelm me and fight for the liberty of their Queen. They were willing to die in order to save her but Gabrielle stopped them. She ordered them to leave us alone and not to interfere, under any circumstances.

"This house didn't exist yet; in its place was a small hut for honeymoons and spiritual retreats. I brought her here and kept her as my slave. All I did was drink and drill. When I was training, I had her restrained and always in my line of sight. She was nothing more than an object for me, a possession, something to command. Gabrielle daily tried to reach me; she tried to get me to see reason, to get me to remember our love.

"In time I began to listen and to remember. I remembered the good times; all the centuries we stood together, all the times we made love, but I couldn't stand it. One night I woke up, and I didn't see the plaything, the slave. Instead I saw someone not deterred by the hardships I put her through. She told me daily that she still loved me and after a fortnight I bolted.

"I also remembered the bad times and the sacrifices she'd made, when she had jumped down a lava pit, trying to save my life, when I had dragged her behind a horse, when we found ourselves side by side on a Roman cross. I couldn't stand it any longer. I knew I didn't deserve her. I took the cargo ship and left. It was hard to accept what I had allowed myself to become but I also couldn't stay away for long. So, I offered myself up to Amazon justice."

She raised her eyes from the ground and looked straight at Samantha and Janet.

"No amount of punishment can wash away my guilt or my shame. These feelings are a part of who I am and they always will be, just as much as I still feel guilty for the first village I ever raided. The darkness is an integral part of me. Your participation made it easier for me to withstand the temptation of darkness. I'll always be in your debt."

"It was our honour to help, your highness." Samantha answered. "We know of the temptation to follow the call for revenge, and to act out against those we love when we're hurt. What happened then will in no way influence our respect for you."

"If it does anything, your confession elevates our respect for you. Thank you for trusting us enough to tell us, your highness." Janet confirmed and emphasised her lover's words.

Xena looked at both of them with unbelieving eyes. "Please, excuse me!" She practically fled the room and silence fell.

Samantha's eyes were locked on the closing door for what seemed to Janet a long time. The blond head turned and the doctor only nodded. "Where can I find her, Queen Gabrielle?"

"Either at the training grounds or at the smithy. Physical exertion has always been her favourite way to deal with emotional stress."

"I'll check the smithy first. If you would excuse me, your majesty." The Queen nodded, Samantha kissed her partner and left the house. The doctor was hard on her heels when Gabrielle called her back.

"My place is with Sam." Janet said defiantly, but still stopped dead in her tracks.

"Not this time, Janet. Give them some space; this is a warrior thing. Xena won't be able to let go of her old demons, if she doesn't get the chance to tell the parts of the story she has, if not totally left out, glossed over. The fortnight we spent at the cabin in retrospect was a lot harder on her than it was on me.

"The whole time she held me captive, I knew that she never would really hurt me. I knew that her love for me was stronger than all the darkness in the universe. I knew that eventually she would come back to me. She didn't have my confidence. She has come a long way, but she still is terrified that one day she once again could lose control.

"Xena has to talk about it, and she won't do it in front of you or me, but chances are that she will open up for Samantha. They are two of a kind, and since this whole thing happened my beloved wife never found the right person to whom she could speak. I hope she does now. The fortnight she held me captive still haunts her in her dreams."

"Why do warriors always have to be this irrational, Gabrielle?"

"It's a question of perspectives, Janet. We both know how to defend ourselves, but we never will be warriors at heart. What is irrational for us; makes perfect sense for them. They never would even think to reconsider. Remember your first evening on Gaia, the confrontation between Sam and Niva?"

"Of course I do. I was so scared for Sam, and at the same time I was so angry. I was sure that there would have been another way than just fighting it out. I was sure I could have talked her out of it." The brunette fell silent for a moment. "And at the same time I was bursting with pride at her willingness to defend me."

"So, you see, it's all a question of perspectives. You are more than just a warrior or a healer or a scientist. Give them the time they need." Gabrielle answered.

They sat in silence for a few minutes then Gabrielle said. "Let's go for a walk and try and find your daughter. I'd like to get to know her better. Sam and Xena will be back when they are ready. You probably will feel a big deal of unease over the day, but Sam will have to see this through on her own."

"What are you talking about, Gabrielle?" Janet's voice was definitively alarmed by now.

"I don't know for sure, but I think a few of the things Xena said hit a bit too close to home for your love. She will tell you; don't worry."


~*~


Xena was already at the smithy, trying to get the smouldering fire to burn hotter.

"I'll get the bellows." Sam said.

They worked together in companionable silence. She allowed herself to succumb to the rhythm of the work and the heat. Only a couple of candlemarks later it occurred to Samantha how strange this really was. She never before had been in a smithy and yet there seemed to be no need for instructions or orders. She simply knew what she had to do. It was eerie.

In the early afternoon candlemarks Xena stopped. "There's nothing more we can do right now. The blade has to cool out before we can work on it again. Let's go and take a bath."

"A bath sounds wonderful. I definitively could use it. Why do you need a new sword? Are there still uses for swords in a battle? I mean no offence, but you used guns and zats and the ribbon device against Nirrti, not swords or bows. Conflicts nowadays usually require long range weapons."

"Never go into an unknown situation without having at least a faint idea of what to expect. With Nirrti, we thought we knew exactly what to expect."

"You knew about Anubis' new warriors? And you didn't tell us?"

"No, of course not. You're right. We only thought that we knew what to expect. I initially thought two ribbon devices a bit overboard, but we needed them. In the past Nirrti always has been independent. She was one of the few Gao'uld who didn't base her influence on her Jaffa, but more on her knowledge and ingenuity. We didn't expect her to work with Anubis. Had I known, I would have insisted that Janet and the Queen stay at the base.

"We were lucky that the ribbon devices worked. I was surprised. According to your report the armour should have absorbed the energy."

"Different kind of energy than a staff weapon, I think. And it would be very un-Gao'uld-like to create a warrior they had no means to subdue somehow. They might be arrogant in the extreme, but as a rule they also are paranoid. By the way, where are we going?" Samantha asked obviously content with the Consort's explanation.

"A cave, further down the hills; hot springs just waiting for us. You might be on the right track. Zat'nikitels and staff weapons both rely on naqada as power sources. A ribbon device on the other hand reacts to the emotions of the wearer and uses the naqada in the bloodstream not as a power source but rather as a catalyst. You really could have come up with something, Sam, but we'll have to wait for the metallurgic analysis of the armour to make more knowledgeable guesses.

"And to answer the other part of your question. Like Earth, most of the new planets we come in contact with have developed beyond the bow, arrow, and sword stage but not all of them. We try not to overwhelm less developed societies with our technical advancements. It doesn't always work out, but we try not to interfere with their natural development. So, on a practical level, sword skills still are viable."

"But that's not the only reason, right?"

"No, it isn't. It's much more than this. For me, sword drills are better than meditation. I'm looking forward to teach you. It will be an enlightening experience for you. Don't look at me with disbelieving eyes. I know: you're a soldier and a scientist; I know this spiritual stuff can be a bit disconcerting. It took me a long time to come to terms with it, and you will too. It's worth it, believe me." Xena said with a smile.


~*~


There was a long, long moment of silence while both women stripped, slid into the steaming water, and stretched their limbs.

"What did you do after you left the Amazons?" Samantha finally asked. "You don't have to tell me if it's too personal."

"That's why we're here. Gabrielle sent you after me to get me to talk about the things I left out, right?"

"She didn't send me. I just felt that you shouldn't be alone, but I might have been wrong."

"It's strange; you know. My years as a warlord, the time I tried to kill Gabrielle, and the moons after Athena's death; among others, they always are close to my conscious mind, but speaking about it…"

"It's as if speaking about it makes it more real, as if it could come back to haunt you and then threaten to take over." Samantha said softly. When there was no immediate reaction she continued. "You read my service file, right?" She didn't really expect an answer and her voice changed to a tone Xena had never heard from her before.

"During Desert Storm, on the way back from a recon mission, my fighter was shot down over enemy territory. We ejected just in time but my back-seat died from a broken neck. When I found him he was already dead, and I still don't know if it was from the force of the ejection or the hard landing. I also had been injured and was taken prisoner. They were not pleased to find a woman wearing a man's uniform, doing a man's job. I was held in a small village, an oasis of about ten houses.

"I was beaten regularly. They wanted me to admit that our way of life was wrong; they wanted me to publicly confess to my sins and tell the world that I had seen the wisdom of Allah. They spent hour after hour talking to me, forcing me to learn their language; and if I didn't react the way they wanted me to I was punished, beaten, starved. But in a way I still was lucky.

"They were very traditional in their beliefs. The men were convinced that touching me in any sexual way would sully their souls or something like that. They beat me; one of them carved letters in my back. It was a constant struggle to even stay conscious.

"One day, about two or three weeks later, a young man who had been among the more enthusiastic of my captors decided that I was worth risking his soul. He tried to rape me. I killed him with the k-bar he had taken from me and used to shred the remnants of my 'scandalous' clothes. There were a few Jeeps just outside of my prison. My chances to escape were rather good; take one, disable the others, but I didn't go. I didn't really care about my freedom; I wanted revenge.

"With every kick and every punch raining down on me I had sworn that I would make them pay, dearly. I wanted them to pay for every lash mark they put on me, and for every time I had to beg them for water.

"When my knife slit his throat, the bruises and cuts on my body, the broken and cracked ribs, the pain simply ceased to exist. With him it had been in self-defence, but when I started to kill the other men, one after the other, it was nothing more than murder.

"Sometimes I wish someone would have stopped me, and I still don't know where I found the strength to do it. I'd like to think that it was some kind of nightmare or a hallucination. But it wasn't. I did these things.

"It was I who put my knife in their hearts; it was I who twisted their necks; it was I who slashed their guts; it was I who cut their throats. I killed all of them, every single man in the oasis, with my knife or my bare hands. I ended eighteen lives in less than an hour and a few of them didn't even have a chance to fight back. They didn't know what hit them.

"I didn't care whether they had been among my tormentors. I killed them all, but I still wasn't satisfied. I knew that there also were women and children; I had heard them from my cell, but I wanted the village destroyed. I wanted nothing of this place to remain; just like you wanted Shiva to disappear from the face of the universe.

"It wasn't just some out of the way nomadic village; they had satellite communication, electricity, and solar power. The solar cells all were channelled to a power centre and I rigged it for overload. The village exploded. I didn't know that they had a cash of explosives buried, but also didn't particularly care when I witnessed the amount of destruction.

"The women all had assembled for some kind of purification ritual in a tent near the small lake, a few hundred paces from the bulk of the buildings. That's why they were spared, but at the time I didn't know, and I deliberately accepted the possibility of their deaths.

"When the Air Force later had the area checked there was nothing left of the village, only ruins.

"I drove the last functioning Jeep to a vantage point on top of a dune and saw them scrambling around in fire and smoke, apparently crying for their men. I laughed, instead of driving away and trying to get back behind our lines, I stood there and laughed."

Hundreds of years of experience had prepared the Consort for the blonde's confession, especially for the things she didn't say.

She knew what she should have been doing and what in the past for someone else, someone not so much like her had worked: reassuring the young woman that what she had done was only due to a lapse of judgement; telling her that it would never happen again, that what she was feeling was not real, but she couldn't. She knew it wouldn't have been the truth. So, she held her tongue and waited.

"When I reached the first of our outposts I told them that I had been captured and was able to escape when their power system blew. I told them that I had been beaten whenever I was conscious, and they insisted that I see a shrink as well as a doctor. The man to whom they sent me was good, but he also was predictable. It was easy to lead him on. He wrote in his report that I probably had been raped, but was coping well and that there was nothing speaking against my return to duty.

"No one ever asked what really had happened, and there's only one other person who knows. He thinks that it only was due to the adrenaline coursing through my body. He thinks that I exaggerated, and simply doesn't want to believe that his goddaughter was … is capable of killing in cold blood.

"I lost control that day, and that's a thing a Carter never does. Carters don't cry; Carters don't feel; Carters don't ask for forgiveness, and Carters never, ever lose control."

"And yet, you still feel guilty."

"Carters follow orders, and there's no guilt in following orders."

One of Xena's eyebrows rising slightly was the only answer she got.

"I don't regret ending their lives. I regret killing them the way I did. I never felt so powerful and I never was so afraid, afraid of what I did, afraid of what I would be able to do.

"I killed them in their beds, caught them from behind. Hatred and anger were driving me on, consuming all my thoughts, all my actions, frightening and intoxicating.

"My father made me believe that this kind of killing is part and parcel of being a soldier; nothing more than a job well done. He told me a few stories to dissuade me from special ops training. He thought that I wanted to become a more deadly fighter, but I did it to become more detached. I wanted to find a way to keep a lid on the darkness, one way or the other.

"It didn't work. The darkness was always there. I could feel the darkness then, and I still do. It's stronger when I fight, but it's still there, even now, this moment."

Samantha searched the eyes of the raven-haired warrior and found sadness and understanding. "I'm sorry, Sam."

"Why? It was my failure. I let my control slip, and more than once."

"When you fought Nirrti, did you feel the darkness?" Xena asked.

"No, I didn't. Yes, I did." Silence once again permeated the cavern. "I had no problem controlling it while fighting Nirrti, but all in all it doesn't make any difference: Hathor, Apophis, Cronos, a first prime, or a Jaffa, one chieftain or the other; it doesn't make any difference.

"It's always there. Waking up, working in the lab, going to sleep, it doesn't make any difference. It's always there, every morning and every evening, every waking hour. It's in my dreams, my nightmares.

"I learned to live with the darkness, and I learned how to hide it to the outside world. I came close to succumbing to it more than once, but I'm mortally afraid of the day I won't be able to keep it in check - when the darkness instead controls me."

Samantha stared straight ahead, well aware of the taller woman at her side, but still reluctant to really rely on her comforting presence.

"Had Nirrti harmed Cassandra in any way, no fighting skills in the world would have saved her. When the darkness takes over I'm faster and stronger. I would have killed her, and I would have done so laughing."

"Promise me that you won't become a monster if something should happen to me." The taller woman said with a dreamy expression.

The blonde looked at Xena with question marks in her eyes.

"It's what Gabrielle asked of me, right at the beginning of our journey together. I didn't always keep my promise, but it kept me from totally losing it more times than I care to remember. I know that it's hard, Samantha, but you can control the darkness, and you can always rely on me to help you through should the temptation become too strong."

The blonde instinctively scooted closer to the other woman and suddenly was cradled in strong arms, Xena humming a lullaby. That's when the tears came, tears she never before had allowed herself to cry, tears for the men she had killed and for herself, for the loss of her innocence. And for the first time in her life, except when being with Janet, she didn't feel ashamed or weak for having shown her feelings.


~*~


Some time later, when there were no more tears left for the moment and Samantha had resumed her former place, she asked. "Your darkness came from Ares. Where does mine come from?"

"The dark part of my soul didn't come from Ares or any other Gao'uld. I had it before. Everyone has it, every living being; some of us have just a harder time to keep darkness and light balanced. Even Janet and Gabrielle have it but their light easily outweighs the darkness. Before this whole thing with Artemis happened I was convinced that I had accepted the darkness in me, that I had a handle on it, that I could control it in every situation.

"You know about the death of my son and how I tried to kill Gabrielle?" The dark haired warrior continued; Samantha confirmed with a nod. "We didn't have much contact with the Amazons afterwards. Gabrielle knew that I would have to pay for the crimes committed against their Queen, the Queen's Regent, and the Amazon Nation, and she didn't want me to be punished.

"After my the broken back had healed - the one I'd had just before our crucifixion -, Artemis asked for our help in reuniting the Amazons scattered in small tribes all over the world, and we decided to start with Gabrielle's tribe. Six summers had passed since the day I dragged Gabrielle out of the village behind a horse. They had not forgotten, as I knew they wouldn't. Gabrielle tried to argue with the council and the acting Queen but I convinced her that I had to pay for what I did.

"At the time Amazon Justice was of the an-eye-for-an-eye variety. Gabrielle talked the council into something else; some kind of spiritual challenge and a few moons spent as a slave to the Amazon Nation. Then, I would have preferred a few sound whippings."

They had lifted themselves out of the water, sitting at the edge of the pool with their feet still dangling in the water, both of them reluctant to leave the safe harbour of hot, moist air and dim light.

"I thought that I had found my way while we were in India, but I learned a lot about myself facing the trials the head priestess had set for me, and later, while I was a slave, it was the memory of my time at the temple that helped me to stay calm and see it through. And at the end I was convinced that I never would lose control like this again."

"But it took a hell of a lot to push you this far, Xena, to get you to lose control; and I'm convinced that even when you treated Gabrielle as a slave, you never physically harmed her."

"How can you be so sure? You've never seen me when I'm like that."

"No, I didn't, but no amount of darkness can completely obscure the love I see within you, between the two of you. I think you would rather harm yourself than raise a hand against her. You said that when you held her prisoner, you spent the balance of the day drilling. You could have found other ways to burn out excess energy, but you didn't want to hurt her. That's how I know."

"You're a good listener, Sam, but you are wrong. What I did was far worse than beating her. I abused her, verbally and sexually.

"I tried to make her feel small and worthless, and I know a lot of the things I said hurt her very much. I knew what buttons to push, but instead of paying me back equally she gave me tenderness and compassion. She always knew me better than I knew myself. That was true then, and it is now. Only a few words would have been enough to send me running, but she didn't even try. She never wavered in her belief that the woman she loved one day would come back to her.

"I took her to bed and played with her body without regard for her feelings or her needs, and when I was finished I threw her out and made her sleep on the ground. I treated her like an object and cared more for my sword and armour than for her. I didn't think to ask for her consent either. I suppose she didn't want me to wake up to the feeling that I forced her into something, but I know better.

"What I did to her during those fifteen days and nights was rape, nothing less - and when I finally understood what I had been doing I didn't owe up to my crimes, I ran. I didn't want to see the love in her eyes replaced by pity. I was a coward and simply took off."

"A coward would not have come back, Xena. Sometimes I wish that I could take responsibility for what I did to these men; that I could pay for my crimes. I think I have gotten to know you well enough to know that you couldn't live long with your guilt and shame."

Xena looked at her younger companion with a sad, pain-filled smile. "I fled with the cargo ship we had taken from the head hunters. I didn't have a plan or a destination; I just ran. I finally ended up in an out-of-the-way corner of the universe in a joint frequented by thugs and drunkards.

"Suddenly eternity became far too long for me.

"As long as I had been with Gabrielle, I didn't mind living for eternity. I had accepted being forced to witness the death of people I've grown to love time and time again, standing and singing at their funeral pyres, mourning their loss; to live through the deaths of our children.

"But without Gabrielle, everything suddenly became unbearable. I couldn't think; I couldn't breathe; I didn't want to think. I knew that without Gabrielle the darkness would return sooner or later, and then there would be no way back.

"So, I drank. It dulled my senses. It made it possible for me to breathe, but I still could hear my thoughts; and my mind replayed everything I had done to her, every law I had broken, every worshipper of Shiva I had killed. I wanted to bury myself in the bottom of a bottle, but all I ended up with were a lot of hefty hangovers. I was a pathetic excuse for a woman and a warrior.

"Then one night, almost a moon later, I looked up at the night sky and I saw a constellation similar to the one we call 'Aphrodite'. Then I knew that I had to go home and at least try to make amends. I knew what I did would never be forgotten and I knew it should never be forgiven, but I felt the need to kneel in front of my love and at least ask for her forgiveness."

Just like the older woman earlier had known that Samantha had been far from finished with her surprising confession, the blonde instinctively felt that Xena still had a lot to say. So, she draped a towel around the taller woman's shoulders and let her hands rest there for a long moment to silently convey her support and understanding; then she wrapped another one around herself and quietly waited for Xena to speak again.

"I stepped through the Ring, but instead of the detachment of the Royal Guard I had expected, …"


~~~~~


Xena dialled the co-ordinates of Gaia. The planet had for more than one and a half millennia been a home for her, but it was with a certain degree of apprehension that she pushed the central button of the DHD.

She knew Amazon laws and customs by heart, having participated in the writing or amending of quite a lot of them over the centuries; she should have been able to anticipate what to expect, but she didn't.

There simply were no precedents to what she had done, neither in history nor in theory. The council would have been in its right to order her death for treason, rape, and murder.

She didn't fear death; it would be infinitely better than living without her beloved. They could decide to just incarcerate her and throw away the key. They could cut her to pieces and bury the different parts in different corners of the universe. They could send her away, a never-ending exile.

Her imagination was running wild. In the end, the decision would be Gabrielle's and Gabrielle's alone - not because she was the Queen. As an injured party she didn't even have the right to vote with the council, but regardless of how angry some of her sisters might be, they never would…

Her mind was running wild and she knew she was stalling. Taking a deep breath she stepped through the shimmering pool and found herself surprisingly alone in the clearing. The surveillance cameras would tell the council of her arrival, and they probably would send some guards. So, she sat down in front of the ring and waited.

She didn't have to wait long; her senses first picked up the rustling of leaves and then she felt eyes on her, surrounding her. She even could have put a name to most of the eyes watching her. She stood up and waited for them to come forward and take her into custody. But nothing happened, and then she felt the presence of her soulmate.

When Gabrielle left the cover of the trees, the tall woman's breath caught in her chest. The blonde was every inch the Queen with her ceremonial leathers and the mask firmly in place. Xena instinctively fell to her knees. Gabrielle stopped at two arm lengths' distance.

Xena didn't dare to raise her eyes, but she couldn't help noticing that her partner had lost weight. Once more guilt and shame swept through her like a tidal wave. She continued to stare straight ahead, not sure what to say to her beloved.

"Look at me, Xena."

The mask had been pulled back and she looked into a face marked by lack of sleep and green eyes lacking their familiar spark. She began to tremble; remembering the only time her beloved had looked this desperate, shortly after Solan's death.

"I want you to listen to me, listen carefully. It's about the council's decision. They refused to let me take part in the sessions or even tell me what they decided. They think that when it comes to you my judgement is seriously flawed, and maybe they are right.

"I only know that they took a long time to come to a decision and that's why I'm here to remind you of your choice, the choice every lawbreaker has. You can choose exile. Then we both will leave Amazon territory forever or you can choose to be punished."

"We?" Xena's voice was barely above a whisper.

"We, as in you and me, Xena, together; the last moon has been hell for me. Leaving me here was the worst thing you possibly could have done. I knew where you were, and that you were trying to drown yourself in alcohol, and with every report I received I hurt a bit more. I need you more than I need air to breathe. Please, let us go and start a new life. I don't want you punished for what was out of your control. We can work everything out between us."

"I thought I had lost your love."

"No, my big dumb warrior, I need you in my life. There is no me without you. Let's leave here!"

"Gabrielle," the taller woman, still on her knees answered, "my real home is in your heart, but this is our home too. I will not run away, not for a second time. No one stands above the law.

"I can't spend centuries teaching it, and then not live by the law. I'll submit to the council's punishment. I'll do everything I have to, to regain the trust of the Nation and to be worthy of your love and forgiveness."

"Are you sure, my love?" The raven-head nodded. "Without knowing what they have in mind?" She nodded again. "I would feel better if we simply left."

"Is this really what you want? I know you want to make it easier for me, but think about the consequences. Would you leave our home, our family, our friends, our children?" Xena asked her.

"I feel that I have to pay for my crimes against the Amazon Nation and its Queen. I have to pay for what I did to the innocents on Shiva's planets, and for what I forced your warriors to do. It can never be enough, but it's a step in the right direction," she continued.

"However, I never will be able to pay enough for what I did to you, the woman who holds my heart and my soul and always will; I will never, ever be able to pay for what I did while I held you hostage. So, this is your call. If you really want me to run away from my responsibilities, I will. I'll let you decide."

"I knew that you wouldn't take them up on their offer. It's against everything that you are, my love. I don't know what they have in mind, but I will be with you every step of the way." She quickly embraced her lover, gave her a passionate kiss, stepped back, and put the mask over her face. "Guards, do what you have to do."

Xena stayed on her knees while two members of the Royal Guard dropped out of the trees, and shackled her hands behind her back. They ordered her to stand up and held her firmly at the elbows while two other Amazons secured her feet with cuffs and a connecting chain.

The chains were strong enough to hold an angry Jaffa, but all of them knew that these restraints wouldn't by far be strong enough to hold her should she really decide to try and escape. The guards also knew that the Consort wouldn't even think of doing something like this. They knew she wouldn't even try and defend her actions; that was just who she was.

There were two guards on her right side and two on her left, two following and two preceding her. They escorted her to the village square, all of them with their ceremonial masks firmly in place, but none of them were armed.

'Why? She should be treated as an enemy to the Amazon Nation. Their bearing spoke of at least a modicum of respect she felt she had lost any right to. Why did they do this? And why didn't she pick up on their lack of weapons earlier; she should have sensed it while they still were hidden in the trees.'

The closer they came to the main village the more Xena's mind reeled with questions. She had expected the whole village to be present for her trial and sentencing, but when they finally came to the central square it was completely empty. Except for the Queen and her guards, she hadn't seen a single soul.

The big double winged doors to the council hall opened. Her escort changed formation, with half of them now walking in front of her while the other four followed closely behind. Quick repeated glances taught her that not only the council of Gaia, but also the better part of Gabrielle's Regents were present, filling the rows as if it were a High Council Meeting.

Her guards stayed with her until she had reached the front row, and then filed out to the left and the right to stand along the side walls.

"Please take off the Consort's restraints." The chairwoman and Queen's Regent Solo ordered.

Xena had a hard time to limit her reaction to this rather surprising order to a raised eyebrow. The irons were removed and the tall woman lowered herself to her right knee to show her respect for the council.

"Xena of Amphipolis, Consort to Gabrielle, High Queen of the Amazon Nation, Commander in Chief of the Amazon Army, you have been accused of murder, rape, and abuse of power. Do you contest this Council's right to judge your behaviour?"

"No, Regent Solo." The dark haired warrior wanted to say more but was held back by the sense of ceremony she couldn't shake.

"The Council already has come to its conclusions but we want to make sure. Do you accept responsibility for these crimes?"

"No, I don't." More than a few of the women behind her audibly gasped. "Let's not play with semantics. - I am guilty of murder, rape, abuse of power, and a lot of other crimes. I will humbly submit to the judgement of the Council." Xena answered and lowered her eyes to the ground.

"Xena of Amphipolis rise and hear the verdict of the Grand Council." The tall woman came back to her feet.

'The Grand Council'. It had been more than four hundred year since all of the regents and vice-queens had been summoned for a court session. They probably had been waiting for her to come back all these weeks, but she thought while the other women in the room also stood, rationally it had been the only choice. Usually it was the prerogative and the duty of the Queen to decide about the punishment for capital crimes, but Gabrielle not only was one of her victims, she also was her bondmate.

To all outer appearances Xena was the picture of calmness. She nonetheless suddenly found her heart beating faster. The feeling of doom she had in the centre of her stomach since dialling Gaia now growing exponentially. She quickly closed her eyes to get herself back under control.

The representatives of the 'Grand Council' had put their ceremonial masks in place. "Consort Xena, you have been found guilty of abuse of power and multiple murders. However, we declare you not guilty of rape.

"High Queen Gabrielle's statement made it abundantly clear that everything that happened between the two of you after your return from Shiva's worlds, happened with mutual consent. She also left no doubt that she would be disappointed and displeased should this Council take it upon itself to interfere in her private life.

"After interviewing the members of the Royal Guards," the Regent continued, "who witnessed your behaviour during the mission, we came to the unanimous decision that we have no legal ground to find you guilty of rape or other forms of domestic violence, but we also want you to know that in the interest of our Queen's safety we will keep your conduct under close scrutiny."

The masked woman fell silent to let her words sink in. Xena found the eyes of the Regent and gave her a short approving nod.

"For abuse of power you will be sentenced to fifteen moons of servitude to the Amazon Nation. You will live as a servant, working in the kitchens and the food hut. During this time, you will be relieved of your command; you will not be allowed to handle weapons of any kind. You will have no access to the laboratories or the infirmary or the library. Off-duty you will be confined to your quarters or at the discretion of the Queen. As a sign of your servitude you will wear plain leathers without rank markings or honour badges."

Xena had a hard time to keep the surprise and consternation she felt at the Regent's words from showing on her face. They didn't even make her a slave - why? She had used part of the defensive forces to satisfy her need for revenge. She had used them to commit capital crimes. It didn't feel right to let her off the hook this easily.

Her consternation obviously showed on her face because the Regent continued. "The Grand Council decreed that the military operation against the murderers of Artemis and Athena and against their client was well within the boundaries of Amazon honour and Amazon justice. The same however can not be said about the rest of the mission. Reviewing your actions, the 'Grand Council' found you guilty of murder in 87 cases. Had you been in your right mind, we wouldn't have a choice but to try and find a punishment equivalent to a death sentence. After checking all available data and speaking with the venerable Egeria we are convinced that there were indeed extenuating circumstances.

"At the time you were not responsible for your actions. The Council sees your timely return and your willing submission to our judgement as a sign of your regret and repentance.

"These souls rest on your shoulders; and nothing we possibly could do to you could diminish your sense of guilt or be harder than what your conscience does to yourself.

"As a symbolic gesture, for every death you will receive three strokes with a single tail whip on your bare back after having spent three days and three nights in the sweating hut.

"Xena of Amphipolis, Consort to Gabrielle, High Queen of the Amazon Nation, do you accept the sentence?"

Xena sought the eyes of every single one of the thirteen women standing before her, searching for signs of discomfort or animosity. Finally, she answered. "Yes, venerable members of the 'Grand Council', I accept your decision and submit to the punishment with humility and gratefulness. But I have a question: Why? Why do you make it so easy for me?"

The Regent, a tall redhead with doe eyes, took off her mask and smiled at the other woman. "There are a lot of possible answers to this question, Consort Xena, but only two that really count: the Amazon Nation is what it is now only because of you and our Queen. Gabrielle is our heart and our soul and you are our strength and our confidence. You belong together like two molecules of oxygen. Deciding on any other punishment would have taken the both of you from us.

"But more importantly: We know you; all of us have known you our whole lives. We grew up listening to Queen Gabrielle's stories, and we learned that all of them are true. We know who you are. We saw the emptiness in your eyes when you came back with the news of Athena's death. We saw the hate when you killed Shiva and the head hunters, Shiva's priests and worshippers.

"That was not all we saw. We also saw the tiny flicker of life every time your eyes found the Queen's. We observed from afar how you tried to drown your sorrow and pain and memories. We observed how, despite all of this, the woman we all know and love slowly fought her way back to the surface. You and the Queen taught us not to give up on people and we certainly will not start with you."

Xena could feel a blush of embarrassment spreading over her cheeks but before she began to feel totally uncomfortable the Regent ordered.

"Guards, escort Consort Xena to her quarters. The sweating hut will be ready for her tomorrow morning."


~~~~~


"Two hundred and sixty-one strokes, that's…"

"I know, Sam, but please remember: I'm immortal. It took me almost a moon to recover from the beating - and Gabrielle was not really happy with me and the Council, but in the end I convinced her that it was the right thing to do, for the Amazons and for me - and ultimately, for her, it was the right thing too."

"I suppose that she was angry with you - for running away, for not trusting your love, for treating her the way you did. She never said a word, though, right?"

"What I did was rape. The Council knew it; I knew it. But Gabrielle…"

"What did she do when she finally acknowledged her anger and disappointment?"

"It was hard. Gabrielle began to question herself, her decisions, even her feelings. She never even considered questioning me and the darkness lingering in my soul. We spent time together, but we didn't share our lives. We talked but we didn't really - well, talk. It was if there was something between us, something big and ominous."

"A big pink elephant sitting in the centre of the room." Seeing the confusion on the other woman's face Samantha continued. "Everyone can see it, sitting there and taking up space but no one wants to acknowledge its existence. No one wants to acknowledge that you have to walk around it to cross the room."

"Sounds as if you're talking out of experience, Sam."

"In a way, Xena, but it's in no way comparable to what you probable went through. About a year ago, Janet asked me to take care of Cassandra while she was stuck at the base with an emergency. I blew it, big time. In the end, we all were angry at each other, but none of us wanted to talk about it. We ended up having a very loud, very passionate discussion and cleared the air. - Nothing compared to what you went through."

"A pink elephant?! Yes, that's close enough. We also found a way to 'clear' the air."

"But you could not turn back the hands of time. Your relationship never became what it was before, right? That's why the Xena of the stories and the one I know seem to be two totally different persons."

"You're defiantly too perceptive, Samantha Gabriella."

The blonde looked at her taller companion questioningly, but then sighed and said. "I know, one day you will answer my questions, but it's too early yet."

Xena started to smile, but then locked eyes with her younger companion. There was a certain seriousness in the blue orbs that made her reconsider to simply change subject.

"You're concerned that something similar could happen to you and Janet?"

The blonde nodded dejectedly.

"You're not like me, Sam. You will never turn your darker instincts against those you love, because you never were completely under the spell of the darkness; you never willingly embraced it like I did time and time again. But to put your mind more at ease I will tell you how we made it through this particular obstacle course.

"After I paid my debt to the Amazon Nation the first time, still on Earth, after the crucifixion, Gabrielle and I changed the way Amazon Queens ruled their people right from the beginning. The Queen, Artemis' Chosen, was regarded as the ultimate authority for just about everything. Everyone from the lowest slave to her Consort was under her unquestioned command.

"Gabrielle didn't want to rule alone, especially considering the task ahead of us, uniting a Nation in diaspora - scattered all around the known world in small tribes that sometimes even didn't know that there were still others like them. So, in time, the Amazons became accustomed to see us as one, and to accord us the same authority, and whenever I became too bossy towards my wife Athena brought me back to my senses.

"Being stripped of my rank and relegated to kitchen duty changed this. The Amazons had no choice but to come to Gabrielle with their concerns and suggestions - and my beloved bard learned that she was a great Queen in her own right and didn't need my help.

"At first it intensified her insecurities, fears, and anger, but in public she hid it well. I had the chance of observing her in action; as strange as it may sound, I never really had seen her. To me it almost was as if she had finally stepped out of the shadows and into the light.

"Well into the fifth moon of my punishment, a group of young Amazon warriors came from a remote planet to finish their education. They were an obnoxious band of wannabes with delusions of self-importance and the first ones that treated me, what they thought was, according to rank. Strangely enough they didn't know what had happened and that serving food and cleaning tables was only a temporary assignment. Servants were not very high on the social ladder, and one day I couldn't take it any longer.

"They treated me with their usual disdain, and one of them started to talk about Gabrielle: how she needed a real warrior to satisfy her, someone who wasn't such a looser as the Consort; how she would make her scream in lust, and lead the Nation to victory against the Gao'uld. Not loud, just enough to be heard by her buddies at the table. She saw that I had heard her and started to bitch about the soup not being hot enough. I took the whole cauldron and emptied it over her head. It had been hot enough to give her second degree burns."

Even after more than three hundred years, there still was a satisfied glint in the raven-haired woman's eyes.

"I reckon you also burned your hands lifting the cauldron." Samantha quipped.

Xena smiled, but instead of answering she just continued with her story. "Of course, it was Gabrielle's duty as a Queen to punish me. A servant hurting a warrior - that was unthinkable. A lot of things have changed since then. Today, both parties would be punished, one for losing their temper, the other for disrespecting a fellow Amazon, but at the time she didn't have a choice.

"Gabrielle had to order me punished. But Gabrielle wouldn't be Gabrielle if she hadn't insisted on doing it herself. The law didn't leave her much of a choice. She either had to order one of her people to do it or do it herself. I was whipped in the centre of the village, the normal punishment doubled, because of what I am.

"We thought that we had already talked about all our issues, but it turned out that nothing could be further from the truth.

"When they bound me to the whipping post I could feel it flowing towards me, like a tidal wave. I could feel her anger, her outrage. I could feel her fighting with the urge to let the whip go full force. And for the first two lashes she really did. Then she stopped. The rest of the strokes were still very hard, but they no longer were intended to really harm me.

"Later she felt horrible for nearly losing control, but it got us to talk, really talk, about everything. It was the first step on a long road. It's hard to explain, Samantha.

"It was as if the first two strokes had finally made her aware of her anger and disappointment, no, disappointment is not the right word; as if it had opened a door, for both of us. Over the centuries, she had had to face my darkness more than once; and more than once it had been directed against her, but that had only been for a few candlemarks or a couple of days.

"Gabrielle never would have needed my help to lead the Nation. She could have done it on her own, right from the beginning. That's something we both had to learn. For centuries I had been the leader of the Amazon warriors; instead of supporting the Queen's decisions I had become the power behind the Queen, the Queen's power.

"When I was reinstated everyone expected me to simply slip back into my old role but we found that we could not. Gabrielle and I, we both had changed. The way we act now wasn't born in a day. It took some time but finally I no longer felt the need to stand in the spotlight. Gabrielle still asks for my advice but she also knows that she has my support even if I might disagree with her."

"But you are no longer regarded as her equal."

"As a human being I'm her equal but according to Amazon law I'm not. She's the Queen. I'm her Consort, and that's how it should have been from the beginning. We still argue that I often exaggerate in public. At the beginning I only did it to make everyone understand who's in charge, so to speak; but over the decades and centuries it has become natural to me. It has become part of who I am, of how I feel comfortable in my skin. I built this house to always make us remember that time, and to remind us that there always will be a future."

Then the tall woman changed subject and Samantha knew that the questioning was over for the time being.

"Gabrielle and Janet are probably walking a trench somewhere, waiting for us to come back to them. It's nearly time for dinner."

So, she decided to let it be. "Yeah, I could eat something. Xena, thank you for sharing with me."

"Back at you, Sam, and thank you for listening."

They wrapped themselves in fresh towels and left the bathing cavern, both of them unwilling to once again slip into their sweaty and forge-soiled clothes. A set of leathers with all the markings for rank and honour was waiting for Xena and a simple white tunic, similar to the one the weapons' master had been wearing not too long ago, for Samantha. On top of the tunic, there was a note.

Sam,

You didn't show up for our training session. To your credit, I assume that you just succumbed to the usual after-party-laxness. Nonetheless, you neglected your duty and not for the first time, I might add, and thus should face the consequences - that is if you don't decide to use the option of instead returning to your home planet. Take a look at the regulations' book before you make your decision, and don't forget that you have the choice between corporal punishment or something more spiritual.

I will see you tomorrow morning at the training grounds. Let me know by then or return to Earth.

Niva


~*~


Xena and Samantha shared a short and rather monosyllabic evening meal with their partners. Gabrielle and Janet did all the talking, telling them about their day, about spending time with Cassandra and the young Amazons and about the girl's plan to participate in their training. Before the two Earth women retired to their room, Gabrielle emphatically reminded Samantha of her choices concerning the impeding punishment.

Janet felt that her lover was emotionally drained from her long talk with the Consort and that it probably wasn't all about Xena. A few times this day, she had been tempted to storm off in search of her lover when a particularly distressing emotion came through what she now saw as their link. She knew that Samantha would talk to her when she was ready, so the small doctor didn't ask any questions. She just offered warmth and comfort.

They fell asleep on their bed, still clothed, and Samantha dreamed of a ball of light appearing before her, shimmering and warm. It soon was joined by another ball; it also was of a shimmering white but with dark spots and patches. The balls gravitated towards each other and fused. They now emitted so much light that the dark spots were barely visible.




Chapter Eleven: Absolute Certainty

Four months later Samantha Carter remembered this dream. She was sitting on a bench like boulder close to the top of Cheyenne Mountain and looking up at the cloudy sky without really seeing the impeding storm gathering up there. She had spent the whole afternoon aimlessly roaming the countryside on the back of her Harley after a really nasty fight with Janet. The sun had just gone down and she was shivering in the early December night. The light jacket she had grabbed when storming out of the house earlier was no real protection against the cold wind.

Never being anything less than honest with herself, she admitted that she had blown things totally out of proportion, but it had hurt so damn much, seeing her lover in the arms of that man. She simply had snapped - and now she found herself on top of Stargate Command, alone. She knew she had no reason not to trust her lover, but it was as if she just could not help herself. She knew she had acted like a spoiled child; she knew she had risked the best thing in her whole life.

After their return from Gaia at the beginning of the new school year, it was as if a dream had come true.

Thanks to the inspired argumentation of Lieutenant Michaela Neddes, the psychologist in charge of Cassandra, she had been officially allowed to move in with Janet and Cassy. Mike, Michaela, had argued that Cassandra needed more than just one parent to be able to cope with the traumatic events of her kidnapping. General Hammond supported her recommendation - and surprisingly the Pentagon approved of the plan, very much to the dislike of Mackenzie, the chief psychologist of the SGC, who at the time had thought it too much beneath his station to care for the alien girl and so had her care transferred to his assistant, a decision he probably was regretting by now.

The whole of the SGC had pitched in to help and three days after the permission from the Joint Chiefs and the White House had been delivered to General Hammond's office all her stuff had been packed up and moved to Janet's house. Daniel and Teal'c moved into her house, the house her father had given to her after joining the Tok'ra. She didn't want to sell it, and this way she knew it would be well taken care of.

Samantha Gabriella Carter, air-headed genius, sharp shooter, Air Force Major, fighter pilot, and a born loner, finally had a family.

Her nights, and occasionally late afternoons and mornings with her small lover were pure bliss. She never before had been this deliriously happy. They were more than just a patchwork family - they really belonged together.

That night on Gaia, waking from the strange dream, she for the first time had been really sure of Janet's love. She had known with absolute certainty that she finally had come home, that her real home was the small brunette cradled in her arms and holding her tight - the military and its regulations be damned. It had been like an epiphany.

Samantha closed her eyes and suddenly her mind's eye brought up the bright ball of light. It was as if she suddenly knew what her lover was thinking and feeling at this very moment; as if she suddenly had become cognizant of a connection between them, a connection that had always been there. She instinctively knew that Janet was half ill with worry, but she also was angry with her for running off like this, without giving her a chance to explain and without her helmet.

She almost ran back to her bike. Janet needed her, and even if she had to spend some time in the doghouse, in the end it would be worth it.


~*~


Half way home it began to rain, the cold drops soon had her soaking wet; they were whipping against her face and quickly the rain turned into the first snow. She didn't even bother to put her beloved hog in the garage or under the car port but stormed the four steps to the wrap around porch. She already had her hand on the door knob when her courage left her and she froze.

Samantha had faced down Gao'uld and blown up a sun; she was able to fight seasoned Jaffa warriors in hand-to-hand combat and come out as the winner, but here she was standing on her own porch, dripping wet and half frozen stiff from the cold, afraid to face a slip of a woman.

Instead of using her key, the blonde Major rang the door bell. It seemed to echo through the house and for a moment she was afraid that Janet wouldn't let her in.

An eternity later, the door opened but it wasn't Janet. Instead it was the reason for the angry words she had thrown at her lover before running away.

"She's in the living room," the young man said when he ushered her in. He had dark blond hair with a hint of red in it and was about her height. His body told her that he regularly worked out, for strength not for bulk. He seemed to be in his late twenties.

"Thank you." Samantha answered while slipping out of the jacket and her shoes.

"Stephen, my name is Stephen. Better go in; she's been worried about you."

Samantha nodded and quickly took the few steps to the living room. Janet was sitting in her favourite armchair and was staring in the flickering flames burning in the fire place. The blonde knew that she had heard her coming back, but this time she wouldn't make it easy for her. One of the patented smiles, the smiles she only reserved for her lover this time wouldn't be enough to make it up to the doctor.

She stepped closer and for a moment stood helplessly in front of the other woman. Without conscious thought she dropped to her knees and took Janet's hands between her own.

"Jan, baby…"

"Don't you Jan-baby me, Samantha Gabriella Carter; don't you dare," was the angry retort, but at least she didn't try to take her hands away from the blonde's.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you, Janet. I acted like some insecure, jealous teenager. I'm sorry I'm such a dork. I didn't even give you a chance to introduce us. It hurt seeing you so comfortable in his arms. I'm sorry for not trusting you. Please forgive me."

Samantha tentatively looked up, a thick drop fell from her hair and hit the tip of her nose.

"You look like a drowned rat."

No Sammy or Sam, not even a Samantha, this was bad, really bad, the blonde thought.

Her head dropped and her eyes focused on the back of Janet's hands still being held by her own. She relaxed her grip with an effort, leaving it to the brunette to change their position. Janet withdrew one of her hands and Samantha flinched at the loss of contact. Then the hand was gently touching her left cheek; thumb and index finger under her chin made her look up.

"It was never a question of trust, Samantha. I know you trust me with your life and your heart, but I will not watch my every move just because you get it in your head to be insecure or jealous. I love only you and I expect that you have a better handle on your emotions next time. Stephen is a very good friend and he's family, nothing more. And now, get out of these wet clothes and take a long, hot shower."

Samantha turned her head and kissed the palm of her lover's hand. She murmured, "I'm sorry, my love. I'm so afraid to lose you, sometimes my brain just short circuits. I love you, Jan."

She closed her eyes and quietly remembered her dream and the two balls of light. Janet studied her face with a surprised smile.

"And I love you, Sammy, but when you first stormed away I really wanted to punish you for being this stupid. I wanted to make you bend over and put a strap to your behind."

"I would let you do it and thank you for every stroke, my love." The blonde whispered in response.

"No my big dumb fly-girl. It was hard enough to watch it once on Gaia. I don't want a repeat performance, ever." Janet drew her still kneeling lover closer and gently kissed her on the lips. "Go and take your shower, Sam, or I will have to ground you for becoming ill."

Samantha kissed her lover's small but strong hands and answered, "Yes, Madam."

Janet smiled at her and sent her off with another quick kiss. Her head turned towards the fire but her mind was wandering back to the day of Samantha's punishment on Gaia.

It had been the day after Sam's long and obviously deeply disturbing talk with Consort Xena. For once they were early at the training grounds. Janet had insisted on being at Samantha's side when the blonde told the weapons' master that she had decided to submit to corporal punishment, despite or rather because of her fears. That first and a couple of other conversations with the Queen had helped her to come to terms with the Amazons' strange juridical system but that didn't mean that she was happy with her lover's decision.


~~~~~


"Samantha Gabriella Carter, what do you have to say for yourself?" Master Niva asked as soon as the major had lowered herself to her knees.

"Nothing, weapons' master. It is true that I thought there would be no training because of the party the day before. I presumed - but that's no excuse and I accept full responsibility for my neglect of duty." The blonde answered with her eyes to the ground.

"Do you accept corporal punishment, warrior?"

"Yes, Master Niva." Samantha said, and despite her prior resolve she couldn't keep a slight tremble off her voice.

"I understand why you made the mistake you did, so, at this point I see no need for a public punishment. Report to my hut at sundown and we will take care of this. You're welcome to bring a witness.

"And now, let's train. Healer, I know, it's not your usual time, but it would be more convenient for me if you could rearrange your schedule." Janet only nodded.

"Warrior, from now on Larina will be your primary instructor. Obey her commands. She's not as lenient as I am."

Three candlemarks later, Samantha and Janet found themselves in the bathroom, sharing a shower, and massaging sore muscles. "Are you really sure you want to go through with this, Sam? Master Niva surely would understand. The regulations allow for other forms of punishment."

"Yes, Jan, I'm sure."

"Are you sure that this is really about the missed training session, Sammy? While you were with Xena, I could feel your distress, sometimes like a distant memory, sometimes like a bleeding wound. Are you sure that your decision has not more to do with whatever happened in the past then with our present?"

"I know you can sense my feelings, my emotions. I didn't want to burden you with all of this. One day soon, I will tell you what I told Xena. It's in the past and it should no longer have any impact on my life. However, in a way, it still does, but it also has nothing to do with this punishment. What I did then can't be paid for with a few strokes of a strap or a cane or whatever." The blonde answered with sadness tinting her voice.

"I broke the rules and I have to pay for it; I want to pay for it. I don't know how to explain it, but it's the right thing to do. I enjoy all the good and bright sides of life here. They share with us, have taken us in their hearts. It may sound nuts to you, but I really think that this is a way to give them something back, to show them that I really respect their way of life." Samantha smiled insecurely.

"No, Sammy, it's not nuts. I needed a little help from Queen Gabrielle to come to terms with this punishment thing, but now I have. Sometimes, I don't understand what makes you military types tick, but this I can understand."

"I hate to point it out, baby, but you're also a Major of the US Air Force. - No, don't tell me: it's different because you're of the nice and peaceful kind. - Will you be my witness, Janet?"

"I would be honoured, my love. And now, let's face the rest of the day; we both have a lot of work to do."


~


The whole day, Janet felt her lover's nervousness and growing apprehension through their link. Samantha had a hard time to concentrate on anything but the impeding punishment, and finally in the early afternoon hours gave up on getting any work done.

She searched out Cassandra who was happy to spend time with her other mother and eager to learn how to tree-walk. She wanted Sam to teach her and no one else, so she had resisted any attempts of her new friends to rope her into a lesson.

The young woman as always was a quick study. No surprise there, she was a straight A-student, tested way ahead of her age in any test thrown her way, was captain of the volley-ball team and had assured her team's victory more than once by her quick thinking and quicker reflexes. Tree-walking was just another challenge, and Cassandra loved challenges; she was as much an adrenaline junkie as her blonde mother and playmate or her uncle Jack.

Janet was relieved that her lover had succeeded in putting the evening's events out of her mind, but for a moment she feared that she also would forget about their appointment at the weapons' master's house.

She was about to go in search of her tall partner when the door opened and a sweaty and very relaxed Major entered their room. She kissed her soundly and whirled her around in unrestrained mirth until they finally ended in a heap on the bed.

"Your daughter really is something else, you know, Jan?!"

"And what, pray tell, did my daughter do?"

"We had a little race through the tree tops, and to make it more interesting we had a little bet going. She tried to distract me and it very nearly worked. She told me that when we were out hiking last year, you always stayed at the rear not because you were out of breath but to have a good look at my butt."

"The little imp! I was out of breath from looking at your butt, Sammy. The last day she came up to me from the side and asked me if I was enjoying the view. I blushed. I guessed I wasn't very subtle when staring at you." Janet answered with a smile. "So, what did she win?"

"Oh, she didn't win. It was her first day; I couldn't let her get too cocky. When we go back to Earth, she'll spend a weekend of our choice at Jack's, no phone calls, no friends of hers coming over; just you and me."

"Now, who's getting cocky, Sam? Want to share a shower with me? You really need one."

They were exactly on time when Samantha knocked on Master Niva's door, but they had to run part of the way.


~~~~~


"What's this beautiful smile for, Janet?"

Startled out of her reverie, the brunette almost jumped out of her seat at the sound of Stephen's voice. "I'm sorry, Stevie, I'm not the hostess I should be. Hey, you're all wet."

"I put the bike in the garage and wiped it down. Such a beaut shouldn't be sitting in the rain, but I suppose the beautiful blonde had more urgent things on her mind." He added teasingly.

"She's off limits, Stevie." Janet somehow got her voice to sound threatening, but her mischievous smile still gave her away.

"Oh, Janet, I'm wounded. You know that I'm only a tease. I'm a safe bet with the ladies. Besides, everyone who saw the expression on her face when she came back would know that she has eyes only for you." He answered with a smile that brought out his dimples and quickly changed the subject. "You know that I positively hate being called Stevie, except when you are doing it?"

"And why is that?" She asked genuinely interested.

Before he could answer a deeper voice came from the other side of the room. "Stephen, I apologise for my earlier behaviour. Any friend of Janet is also a friend of mine."

"Stephen, may I finally introduce Major Samantha Carter, my best friend, my lover, and the other half of my soul. Sam, this is Stephen Harrington, my former brother-in-law."

They firmly shook hands and Samantha said. "I hope you give me the chance to prove that usually I'm not a total idiot, Stephen."

She smiled at him, not one of her Janet-smiles, but close enough to one to make him begin to understand why the small doctor was so taken with her.

When Janet had first told him on the phone that she was in love with a woman and a fellow officer at that, he thought that she simply was lonely and needed the fantasy to keep her going. She adopted a child and they raised her together, and then a couple of months ago she had told him that they now were officially living together.

There had been so much joy in her voice and when she had opened the door a few hours earlier at his unexpected visit she literally had radiated happiness, a happiness quickly replaced by anger and worry when that tall blonde Amazon had yelled at her and stormed off.

His protective instincts had flared to life in a heartbeat but seeing her now, with Janet's arm possessively encircling her waist, he was willing to give her another chance.

So, he decided to goad her a little bit. "Hmm, I don't know. It might be true what they say about blondes."

This certainly got a reaction, but not the one he had been looking for. Samantha just smiled but Janet pushed herself in front of her taller partner, almost bristling with protectiveness.

"Sam holds a doctorate in astrophysics and philosophy, so don't ever say or think something like that again. I don't want you to act like your thick-headed, pea-brained brother."

"I give, Jan. It was only a joke, nothing…" He looked at the blonde, suddenly dumbstruck. "Doctor Sam Carter? The Sam Carter? Author of 'Theory of Wormhole Physics'?" Janet nodded. "Holy shit! It was such a thrill to read. I almost know it by heart. I dreamed of getting a chance to discuss it with you. There are so many things I wanted to ask you…"

"And guess what, Stevie? You'll get your chance. I have to pick Cassandra up and will bring some Chinese take-away for dinner. Meanwhile, you guys can talk shop."

Though his physique told another story, Stephen still was a nerd at heart and always would be, just like the scientist in her blonde lover more often than not took precedence over the soldier and even the lover.

"Be careful, Jan, it's still snowing out there." That got a scowl from the smaller woman but she also got a gentle kiss. Samantha's eyes followed her until she closed the front door behind her. "She's still angry at me," she stated.

"She was frantic when she saw you tearing down the road without a helmet." He simply answered.

"Oh damn, the bike. I left it out there."

He just managed to grab her by the hood of her sweater. "Easy. I put it in the garage and wiped it dry. Did you restore it? It's a real beauty."

"Don't tell me you not only know astrophysics but also love bikes?" He only smiled in answer. "Thank you for taking care of her. Yes, I sort of had to build her up from the frame. It was a challenge."

"But you just love a challenge, right?" Now it was Samantha's turn to resort to a smile. "Janet is stationed at the Air Force Academy Hospital, but what does an astrophysicist, what does 'the' astrophysicist do with the Air Force?"

"Deep space radar telemetry." Samantha simply answered.

"NORAD?"

"I have a nice, sunny office there, yes." She didn't add: 'A rarely used nice, sunny office.' Instead she asked. "And what are you doing for a living?"

"I was with ARIN, the Astrological Research Institute Nevada. I resigned when I found my lover in a storage closet with a woman."

"I'm sorry that you have been hurt, Stephen," she simply answered.

"Marc never offered me the forever-after, but I had expected better of him." If Samantha was surprised to find that his lover had been a man she didn't show it.

"Anyway," the dark blonde continued, "I thought I make a stop here before having to decide what to do with my life."

"You're welcome to stay for as long as you like, Stephen." Samantha reacted to the pain and defeat in his voice more than to his words. "The guest room is yours."

They then quickly delved in a discussion about quantum physics and wormholes. Samantha found that he not only had read the thick volume she had written while under the influence of the Ataniek armbands; he also was good enough to contest some of her theories, and she had to admit that without the evidence of the Stargate she would have been hard pressed to find them liable herself.

The arrival of Janet and Cassandra with their dinner put an end to their discussion, but by then the young man had promised to stay at least the weekend, so they would have other chances to talk.


~*~


It was late at night when they retired to their room. Janet snuggled close to her, her head on Samantha's shoulder and one of her arms wrapped protectively around her waist. They usually talked about their respective days before falling asleep or making love but this night the brunette just closed her eyes.

"Are you still angry with me, Jan?" Samantha quietly asked.

"You scared me, Sam." Janet answered without opening her eyes.

"I'm sorry, my love. Perhaps you really should punish me like they do on Gaia. I felt better afterwards."

Janet's mind once again snapped back to the evening of her lover's punishment.


~~~~~


They were exactly on time when Samantha knocked on the weapons' master's door, but they had to run part of the way.

Larina, the captain of the Royal Guard, let them in where Master Niva, Queen Gabrielle, and Consort Xena were already waiting for them. Samantha was slightly shocked; she had hoped that this would stay between them and the weapons' master, even though Xena knew about it. She quickly regained her composure and knelt in front of the three women.

"I am ready to accept my punishment with humility and gratitude."

"Samantha Gabriella Carter, daughter of Rebecca, grand-daughter of Catherine, you now will receive 24 strokes with a strap on your bare behind as punishment for deliberately neglecting your duty. Have you chosen your witness?" Niva asked.

"Doctor Janet Fraiser has consented to be my witness, Master Niva."

"So be it." Niva said and left the hut together with Larina and the Queen.

"Please strip and bend over the desk, Samantha. I will count the strokes; you just concentrate on holding your position."


~~~~~


The brunette abruptly sat up, startling her taller companion. "You know, there's been something about this whole punishment thing that's been bugging me for quite some time now."

"What is it, Janet? You admitted yourself that apart from the initial pain there was no harm done."

"That's not it. Xena is an expert; I'll never doubt that. What I can't figure out is why she did it and not Master Niva."

"We were her responsibility, Jan. She told us the first day that she would be the one to mete out punishments if need be. I shouldn't have been surprised to see the Consort at Niva's." Samantha answered.

"That's just it, Sam. She didn't, at least not with others, well, at least one other. A few weeks ago, Jennifer told me over lunch how she had screwed up one of your experiments with the energy shield just before you had to go off-world. She told me how angry you were and that she wished she could make things like this just go away by getting her behind blistered. She then told me that she had once been punished by Cameria for not being careful enough with one analysis. The Consort had been told, but she didn't do it herself; she didn't even offer to do it herself."

"Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that I was the leader of our team, or Xena couldn't get away from whatever she had been doing when it was Jennifer's turn. It could be as simple as that, my love."

To Janet it seemed as if Samantha wanted desperately to convince herself that there had been nothing special about her punishment or the fact that the Queen herself had come to give them an ointment that would help her heal faster. The doctor let her head sink back on her lover's shoulder but she couldn't stop thinking about it.

The Amazons had welcomed all of them. The whole team had been treated like long lost family members, but only Samantha and she had developed a special relationship to the Queen and her Consort; perhaps due to their bond, their connection to each other that was so similar to what Gabrielle and Xena shared.

They all had formed strong friendships with the people on Gaia; in some cases even more than friendship, Janet thought with a smile. But between Samantha and Xena there also was more than friendship or some sort of mentor - student relationship. She couldn't pin it down but was sure that it went much deeper than this. The tone of her lover's voice, however, told her clearly that she was not ready to discuss this any further; and there also was something else she aimed to find out.

So, she once again closed her eyes and concentrated on the light in her mind, on their connection and for the first time Samantha answered, for the first time she got something back. The ball of light she usually saw was not only there, it was pulsing with an energy it never had before. This afternoon, when the blonde had come back and knelt in front of her, she had thought that she had felt her lover actively reaching out for her, but she hadn't been sure, not really.

Whatever had been left of her anger and disappointment at Samantha's unexpectedly immature and insecure behaviour disappeared at this discovery. Living with the woman she loved had been bliss, but this, the knowledge that their bond really was mutual, this finally made it real, real enough for every nerve ending, every cell in her body to understand and trust in it.

Janet almost unconsciously began to move the arm draped over her lover's midsection. She first circled the belly button. Her fingers then traced taut abdominal muscles and then moved upwards to her lover's breasts. Instead of gently caressing her partner's firm globes and teasing her until she felt compelled to take over, as was usually the case, this night she felt a sense of urgency that couldn't be denied. So, she began to knead and squeeze the blonde's smooth skin.

She quickly was rewarded by the sight of two very perkily protruding, very hard nipples though only one of them was actually receiving attention. Something that could easily be corrected; so, her left hand began to mimic the movements of her right. The blonde's breathing rhythm changed and a moan escaped her lips. She arched into the small physician's touch. Janet searched for her lover's eyes and found them dilated in arousal, and at the same time a spike of light roared through her soul.

As a rule, the brunette was perfectly contend to let Samantha take control in their bedroom; it simply was part of her character, but there were times when she needed something different, especially when she felt vulnerable, when she needed something more forceful without being outright aggressive or domineering.

The only question left to answer was if the blonde would accept it but that also turned out quiet all right. "Jan, Janet, plea…" She sealed her lover's lips with a kiss that quickly became passionate. The light of their love now seemed to pulse with the rhythm of their heartbeat. Their tongues began an intricate, very familiar dance.

Samantha continued to seek body contact and Janet happily obliged. She slowly rolled her body on top of the blonde's. She put as much of her body weight on her arms and still made sure that her breasts and nipples directly touched her lover's. All her instincts were telling her to take her partner hard and fast but another part told her that this would be too easy, too fast, for both of their sakes.

So, Janet lowered herself down on her elbows, trying to immobilise the taller woman who was starting to thrust up her hips. When she broke the kiss, she brought her lips close to Samantha's right ear and whispered.

"I love you, Sammy. Even if I'm angry with you, I'll always love you."

"Love you, too," the blonde whispered hoarsely back. "Please, take me."

"No, Sammy. I will not take you. You're mine as I am yours. I will not take you but I will make love to you." Samantha's wide eyes grew even wider at her words and the light intensified further.

Janet repositioned her right leg to rest between the blonde's thighs and pressed down. She could feel how wet Samantha was, and for a split second she imagined going down on her and bring her to a quick release with her lips and tongue. But this was not what she wanted this night to be about.

She once again sought her lover's eyes, and intensified the contact between their bodies. She kissed Samantha's throat and suckled the sensitive point just above the collar bone. Janet let the tip of her tongue trail over the soft skin as if she wanted to check out every single pore. She sought out the jugular vein and pressed the flat of her tongue against it. She relished feeling her lover's quickly beating heart, fast but not frantic; and concluded that she was ready for the next step.

The brunette shifted her weight back on her hands and arms, lifting her upper body away from Samantha's torso. She smiled slightly at the disappointed moan and kissed her lover, brushing lips against lips. She then turned her attention towards the blonde's breast, beginning with the soft, sensitive skin at their sides. Every now and then she let the tip of her tongue dance over one of the blonde's nipples to keep them hard.

She methodically kissed all around the base of the fleshy globes, leaving a trail of love bites. Samantha's hips began to move of their own accord but the small doctor somehow managed to hold her in place. The blonde spread her legs wider and Janet had to adjust her position to make sure that her nether lips stayed right on top of her lover's.

Janet stopped the ministrations to her partner's breast and established eye contact.

"Look at me, Sammy-baby, look at me. I want you to see what I do." She asked, knowing how difficult it could be to keep one's eyes open when other parts of her body insistently demanded attention.

The blonde's eyes opened even wider, and for a moment it was as if she had to gather all of her strength to offer a faint nod.

'O Goddess, she was so beautiful when she allowed herself to be open and vulnerable.' Her blonde, strong lover was never more beautiful than on these rare occasions.

Janet was almost painfully aware of her own arousal, but this evening was more about Samantha than her. She refocused her attention on the inviting breasts, determined to assuage at least some of the blonde genius' fears and insecurities she could still feel through their bond, now combined with a big dose of self-recriminations at her running away.

She suckled the taut nipples and enjoyed how the body beneath her squirmed in anticipation; Samantha was close, very close. "Please, Jan, please…"

"Come for me, baby. Let me see how you come for me."

The intensively dark blue eyes closed for the fraction of a heartbeat. Then Samantha captured the brunette's brown orbs. Energy was pulsing through them, making their muscles contract. Ever since returning from Gaia they had been aware of their connection like a golden thread between their hearts and souls, but now it suddenly flared to life, an explosion of light that enveloped them, drowned them.

Finally, Janet collapsed on top of her taller lover, and Samantha rolled them over 'til they came to their sides. She closed strong arms around the doctor's frame, whispered. "I love you, Janet, love you so much. You're my light."

"And you, my brave warrior, are mine, always." Janet answered with a bright smile. She stretched a bit and softly kissed the taller woman on sleepily dropping eyelids. "Sleep, my love."

She didn't receive an answer and hadn't expected one, knowing from experience that emotional stress took a greater toll on her usually self-reliant lover than mere physical exertion ever could.

Janet also was tired, but for the moment she felt energised by the explosion of light, by the all encompassing power of their love. Deep in her heart she knew that this day, this night had brought them even closer together, had strengthened their bond in a way they had yet to explore. Before falling asleep herself, she remembered her grandfather's favourite Shakespeare sonnet.

For thy sweet love remembered such wealth bringeth
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

Her last coherent thought was that she wouldn't change what she had with the beautiful, brilliant blonde for anything or anyone in the universe.


~*~


Janet woke to an empty bed and a steaming mug of coffee waiting for her on the nightstand. She spared a thought to last night before grabbing it and smiled.

Samantha usually was the first one up and the coffee told her that her restless lover already had been out on her morning run and now was probably sitting in the kitchen with a cup of Chinese tea and the morning paper, her hair still wet from her shower. The brunette finished her coffee and decided that she would make pancakes for breakfast.

The paper was neatly folded on the kitchen table, but Samantha was nowhere to be seen. Janet checked the garage and the den and finally found her in the study, a small, sunny room the doctor used to do some of her paperwork. She was intently studying the computer screen and almost jumped when Janet suddenly appeared at her side.

"You performed a security check on Stephen? Why? I thought you like him."

"I like him, Jan, and he seems to be very good at his job. I spoke to the director of ARIN. They want him back. I promised to speak with him about it, but I also will offer him another option, now that the security check has come through clean." Samantha answered with one of her special smiles.

"At the base? Will General Hammond approve?"

"Since Coombs and Felger transferred to Area 51 my science department is a bit short-handed. We could use the help, and he's more than qualified." Samantha simply stated. "Do you think he would be able to stand the pressure?"

"Stephen is tough, Sam. When his parents found out that he was gay, they disowned him. He worked his way through College and still was Valedictorian. Neither his parents nor his brother were at the graduation."

"So, that's why my ears were ringing, talking about me behind my back." Stephen said from the door. "And Jan, you were there. That's all the family I needed."

"Thanks Stevie. Yes, we were talking about you. Sam might have a job for you if you don't mind working with the military."

His big eyes lit up but only briefly. "At NORAD? I once applied for a job there, but they told me to come back when I'm a commissioned officer. I don't think they have changed their policy about civilians. Not to speak about 'Don't ask, don't tell'. I didn't exactly make a secret of my sexual orientation."

"I let the two of you talk and get some breakfast going." Janet said and left the room with an encouraging pat on Stephen's shoulder.

"Take a seat, Stephen." The young man complied. "It wouldn't be at NORAD, officially yes, but not really. And 'Don't ask, don't tell' doesn't apply to you because you would still stay a civilian - as long as you keep your sex life out of work, there won't be a problem.

"I'm heading the science division of a facility under Cheyenne Mountain. You would be working for me, but there are a few things you'll have to know before you make any decision.

"First of all, I had a short talk with Professor Eagleton at ARIN. He wants you to come back and promised that your former partner would then be permanently transferred to night shift. He praised your quick thinking and your ability to improvise as well as your constant questioning and search for answers outside the box. That's exactly what we need at the base - but I have to warn you, it can get rather dangerous from time to time."

"I saw some of your scars when you were stretching before your run this morning, and one doesn't get a body like yours by sitting in a plush office. Deep space radar telemetry is only a cover story, right?"

"It's a cover story. I knew you were bright, Stephen. What we do is top secret. So, at the moment I can't tell you much more. It can be very dangerous, sometimes we get a lot of pressure from the brass and such, and we have to do things we don't like but it also is a wild ride, wilder than my wildest dreams."

"I'll think about it, Sam."

"That's all I ask. Take your time."

"I will. I'll go and help Janet in the kitchen. Do you mind if I ask her opinion?"

"Not at all; she's the Chief Medical Officer of the base. No one knows better than she does how dangerous our work can be."


~*~


"So, what do you want to know, Stevie?" Janet asked as soon as he came to the kitchen.

"I still can't get over it. She's 'the' Sam Carter! I lay awake half of the night, and I still can't get over it. I studied her theories even before the book came out. She's a legend in my field. Why does she let everyone believe that she's a man? And there also is no mention that she's an Air Force Officer."

"She told me that her identity was easy enough to find out if one really wanted to know. She thinks it's better for her work at the base when she's not in the public spotlight. So, will you go back to Nevada?"

"You never were one to beat around the bush, Jan. Tell me, is it really this dangerous?"

"It can be, Stephen. Every time Sam goes on an away-mission, there's a chance that she comes back injured or not at all. You would be working on the base, that's not half as dangerous, but in the past four years we have had some close calls. I'm sorry, Stevie but I can't go into any details as long as you have not been cleared by General Hammond, our commanding officer."

"Is it worth the danger and the pain, Janet?" The young man asked.

A barrage of images flashed through her mind, of all the occasions she almost had lost the blond soldier, of all the times she had to had stand by helplessly when one of her charges died.

"It can be hard and frightening, Stephen, but yes, it's worth the pain and the danger. We learn so much about life and the universe; we make a difference for our world."

They fell silent. Janet knew that she had told him too much, but still not enough to make an informed decision. Stephen leaned against one of the kitchen counters with an enigmatic smile on his face.

"I would be working with the Sam Carter, every day." He said almost to himself.

"Not every day, Stephen. I'll be gone more times than not and you would have your own projects to work on - but yes, from time to time we would be working together." Samantha answered from the doorway.

"Then my decision is made. I take the job, whatever it may be." He smiled like a kid in a candy store.

"Are you sure, Stephen?" Janet asked. "It really can be very dangerous."

"Jan, not accepting such an offer would be plain stupid. It would be like refusing to work with Einstein or Schroedinger or Heisenberg."

Samantha blushed up to her hairline and made a hasty exit by telling them. "I'll go and call the General."

"Did I say something wrong, Janet?"

"No, Stevie. Sam may be a card-carrying genius, but she also is very modest. She'll get over it. Don't worry."

Janet closed her eyes and tapped into their link. Last night had been special and she didn't expect any miracles, but when Samantha signalled her that she was all right a bright smile spread across her face.

She opened her eyes and continued. "She'll be all right, Stevie."

Less than a week later the science team of the SGC had a new member and Stephen turned out to be a very valuable asset to the base at Cheyenne Mountain. He was level-headed, resourceful, patient, and easy to work with. Samantha enjoyed working with him because she didn't have to dumb down her thought processes in order to get things done. He was a quick study, and at first had to be forced to leave the sanctuary of the lab for any length of time. The childlike wonder he had for the numerous new toys there reminded the blonde very much of a certain archaeologist.



THE END


I know there are a lot of open questions and maybe a slight cliff-hanger or two. The sequel already has been started though I don't have all the answers yet. It's always easier to write something new if you know that there's someone out there appreciating what you're doing. And besides: I'm open for ideas and suggestions.

So, any and all feedback is welcome under romansilence@yahoo.de.

Flames will be answered with flames, but I'm thankful for constructive criticism (means: should you want to tell me that I suck - good, do so, I can take it, but also tell me why and/or how to make it better, to allow me to avoid it next time; rant at me that I'm too pro/contra … (whatever)… but be prepared for my answer).