I hate stories where the author spends myriad pages carefully detailing the courtship of two characters right down to how many times Character A pisses while getting up the nerve to ask Character B to the prom or whatever the hell their first date is. Then, when they finally screw, it's about two pages before the end and briefly described using the stupidest euphemisms ever invented. Or worse yet, the whole fade-to-black thing. I hate that! Especially in books. After reading three hundred goddamn pages of set up, I want at least ten pages of wild sex. That's what I like about porn -- no wading through wussy romantic shit. My idea of romance is askin' a chick how she is after I bang her brains out. Remember this, you wussy freaks -- chicks might profess to want romantic dinners and flowers, but when it really comes down to it, all a chick really wants is to be banged until she can't see by a stud who really knows what he/she is doing. And I'm that stud.

But I have a sensitive side. I can do that gallant crap chicks seem to dig. Hell, I even cried when I watched Bambi.

I met this chick last night at that little dyke dive over on Tenth, you know, the one the cops are always stakin' out, lookin' for drug dealers and other scum. I was lookin' for a little of the rough stuff -- the chicks there dig kinky shit. I don't go there too often because most of 'em are into some seriously freaky shit. I picked up this one chick that wanted me to toss her over a closet rod and beat her ass with a tennis racquet while screamin' obscenities at her in pig Latin. I got my ass outta there real quick. I still wonder how she discovered that got her off. Can you imagine her first lover turning to her one day and sayin', "Judy, you know I love you, right?" Judy, havin' no idea what's comin', of course says she's aware of that little fact and says she loves her too. Her lover says "can we try something a little different today?" Judy agrees, still clueless. "I'd like lay you across the rod in our closet while I beat your ass with the tennis racquet you bought me for Christmas, even though it's my older sister who plays tennis, not me, and practice my obscene pig Latin. You don't mind, do you?" Well, Judy doesn't have the brains God gave a gnat, and agrees. The next thing she knows, she's havin' goddamn multiple O's and lovin' every minute of it. Me, I'm happy with the occasional game of 'who's your daddy?'

Anyway, I'm cruisin' the bar, sizin' up a brunette in the corner who has potential, when I hear a high pitched female scream. It sounds honestly scared, not like the mock screams that are so common in a joint like that. I look around and don't see anything, so I go outside. Five huge guys are surroundin' a little blonde and she looks scared to death. I may be a crude jackass, but I don't take what's not freely given, and I don't hit women or children. I even watch my language around kids and classy broads. Those cretins didn't do any of that. So I beat the shit outta all of them and made the conscious ones apologize to the lady. And she *was* a lady. Suit and all. You know those porno flicks that start with some executive chick strippin' for some workin' class stud, or her secretary or whatever? Well, she was dressed kind of like that, only classier.

I ask her how she is, actin' like my mama taught me somethin' (which she did). She's shaken up, but unhurt. We introduce ourselves, she thanks me, and I ask if there's anyone that she'd like me to call for her. There isn't, so I invite her back to my place. She agrees.

At this point, I had no intention of screwin' her. I mean; the poor woman was almost raped. She didn't need some horny SOB makin' advances. Now, I ain't sayin' I'd say no if *she* made a pass; I just wasn't goin' to make the first move. Frankly, I was hopin' she would.

We get to my place, I'm playin' Suzy Hostess, and she's all grateful and gracious. We get to talkin' and one thing leads to another and I have a lapful of beautiful, horny blonde. She has the softest damn lips I've ever kissed and I've kissed more women than Wilt Chamberlain. (Screwed more, too.) She kisses me like it's the last chance she'll ever have -- rough and hungry and deep. She shoves her tongue in my mouth and after thirty seconds knows it better than I do. I'm more excited than I can remember ever bein' and I'm ready to promise her anything if she'll just bang me. I have never, ever begged a woman for anything. I never even begged my mama for a toy as a little kid. But she's makin' me feel like I'll die if she doesn't make me cum soon.

"Please, baby, please," I hear a breathless voice plead, and I realize it's me. She's moved her kisses to my neck, and I know she's leavin' marks, brandin' me as hers, and I don't give a shit. Still another new sensation -- chicks don't give me hickeys; I give chicks hickeys. I'm sittin' there, lettin' some chick treat me like a chick. I *still* don't believe it.

"Oh, god, that feels *so* good. Bite my tits," I beg. She complies, chewin' my knockers like they're that ropey shit in steak that takes a hacksaw and an act of God to cut and she's at a company dinner and can't spit it out. I sure as hell ain't complainin'. Jesus, I'm about ready to offer to buy a tennis racquet. I'll even call her daddy.

The next thing I know, we're naked in my bed, and she's doin' things to my cunt with her tongue that would make an atheist get religion. I don't remember gettin' up or strippin' and I don't give a damn *how* it happened. All I know is I'm comin' so hard I damn near pass out.

"Jesus! If I'd known how great gettin' eaten was, I'd have let chicks do it years ago. Is doin' it just as fun?" I found myself askin' after pullin' her into my arms a few minutes later. Yet another new sensation. I don't hold the chicks I screw. I don't like being touched.

She lifts up and stares at me in disbelief. "You've never had oral sex?!"

I blush and scowl defensively. "I don't want to get a disease, and I never let chicks touch me."

She settles back into my shoulder, but not before I see the pleased grin. Shit! I just let a chick know she's special. Oh, hell. She's not a chick and I know it. She's a woman. If you don't know the difference, I ain't explainin' it to you. And she is special. Anyone who can make me feel like an inexperienced chick is special.

All this emotional shit is makin' me uneasy, so I shift her onto her back and kiss her gently. She seems into it, so I settle in for some serious kissin'. I think I've said her lips are incredibly soft. Shit, I could kiss her forever and never get tired of it. I'm gettin' so damn turned on I can't stand it. I kiss her hungrily as I drop my left hand to say hi to her left tit. Her tits are medium sized and the skin around the nipple (I can never remember what it's called) is unusually silky, even when aroused. Once I discover this, I abandon her lips to examine her tits more closely. I really love tits. I take one into my mouth happily. God, it tastes so damn good. Her tits are even better than her lips.

I don't even hear her moan at first; I'm so deep in Tit Nirvana. I also fail to notice the small hands in my hair, trying to force more tit in my mouth. I do hear her scream my name. I stop sucking in surprise.

"Shit, don't stop! Don't ever stop!" She begged.

Being the obliging person I am, I resume worshippin' at the nipple altar. I switch to see if the other one tastes as good as the first one. It does. She keeps moanin' and beggin' me not to stop. My ego does the happy dance along with my mouth. I have never enjoyed a pair of tits so much in my life. I make her cum twice more before she's had enough. I've never seen anyone cum just from having their tits sucked, let alone multiples. I pull her into my arms again. I think I could get to like this cuddlin' thing. It's not half bad.

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I wake in the middle of the night to gentle suckin' on my tits. I sleepily run my hand through her soft blonde hair. She slips one hand between my thighs and gently caresses my cunt until I cum. It was completely unlike anything I had ever done. My normal style is hard, fast, and with non-factory issued equipment. I have never spent the night with a chick. I leave while she's still quiverin' from her last orgasm. And I never bring chicks home. What the hell is wrong with me? I fall asleep before comin' to any conclusions.

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When I wake again, it's not quite dawn. I'm holdin' her in my arms like I give a shit. She is one hell of a beautiful woman, and I can't resist kissin' her sleep slack cheek. I wonder if it's okay to wake her up by screwin' her. I guess so since she did. I hope this mornin' after shit ain't as bad as I've heard.

I wake her with gentle kisses on her neck and light caresses to her arms. She wakes slowly, stretchin' with almost feline grace. (God, now I'm even thinkin' like a chick.)

"Mornin', darlin'," I drawl in my sexiest voice, which is pretty damn sexy. Ask all the notches on my bedposts. Well, actually, I had to stop notchin' the damn things years ago. Now I just keep tally in a 3" binder.

"Good morning. That feels good," she murmurs.

"I can make it feel even better, darlin'," I drawl again. Chicks really like that, y'know.

"I'm sure you can," she purrs. Oh, yeah. I'm gonna enjoy this.

I begin with rollin' her on her back. I kiss those incredible lips of hers softly, then with increasin' passion. Shit, it feels *so* damn good! I suck her earlobe like a damn jawbreaker. Then I chew on her tits like she did mine last night, but I stop after a few seconds. I gotta find out if eatin' a chick is as fun as gettin' eaten. I don't think I savor the trip down quite as much as I oughta, but I'm in a hurry. I'm about to cum from pure excitement and from the way she's moanin' my name, she ain't far behind.

Sonuvabitch! I cum at the first taste. Shit, it's indescribable. I'm moanin' like a chick into her cunt and she's cummin' like I spent an hour dickin' her. Shit, I can't keep up with the flow of cum from her cunt. She's screamin' my name loud enough to be heard in Australia. By a damn deaf man.

I rest my head on her thigh for a few minutes to catch my breath. *Shit*, that was intense! Damn, I gotta do that a lot more often. Curiously, I lift my head and look at her cunt. I've never really looked at a real one close up before. I've seen a shit load of pictures and flicks, but they don't compare with the live version. Tentatively, I explore with my tongue. I try to be gentle since she's probably still sensitive from cummin'. Sweet Jesus! This has to be heaven. Nothin' could compare to this. So hot, so wet, so damn delicious. I bring both of us off again within a few moments.

I don't know if I fall asleep or pass out. All I know is I open my eyes a couple hours later and I'm alone. I look on the bedside table and see a note. My heart sinks. It reads: "Thank you for a wonderful evening. I'll call you."

So here I sit, starin' at the phone and waitin'. It's just a matter of time. Chicks can't resist me, y'know.


Continued in Stud II.