I always imagined love would last forever if I ever fell in love. For me, it does and will last forever but I forgot to keep in mind I only control my own heart. I looked for love everywhere I went and in every one I met. So many times, I thought I found love but it was more a case of lust and so intangible that it left before I even knew that it really was around. It lit like a butterfly and was so beautiful for those short fleeting minutes before it flew off again, looking for something unexplained and elusive. I wondered what was wrong with everyone around me. Couldn't they give me the love that I wanted, the commitment, the companionship, and the soul binding togetherness? I wanted someone who couldn't live without me or I without them. On the other hand, did I? Was I ready to make that kind of commitment in my quest for love? I was asking for so much but was I ready to make the same commitment in my life?
When I did make that commitment, I realized that love came not from around me or from someone else but instead from deep within my heart. I had to love unconditionally, accepting the good with the bad before I could truly find love. It is so very true that you must love yourself if you ever expect others to love you. Maybe that is where I failed the most. I always looked at my self and found me lacking in some ways. I am not a beauty. I am not of a superior intelligence. I am not witty. I am not the life of the party. I am not the image that anyone would ever dream about. I could not see my self as being lovable. In seeing my self in this manner, I could not open my heart for love.
Then one day I met the most amazing person. This person accepted me for exactly who I was. This person taught me to love my self for who I was and not for what I wanted to be or what I could give to others. This person taught me to be my self and in being my self, I would draw people to me. Most important, this person taught me to love my self as I am and to accept that what I am makes me be me. I had to look hard in the mirror and learn to love my self, first, before I could truthfully be open to let love in.
Therefore, in learning to love my self, I also fell in love with my mentor. I forgot the basic principles of life. I can only control my own destiny and feelings regardless how much I want to do otherwise with someone else's. For a fleeting period, I was madly in love with and remain in love with this very special person. This person's life has changed and new opportunities have opened that have drawn them away from me. My heart is not ready to let go, but my brain says it is the right thing to do. I know that I really shouldn't hold on to a person that cannot love me as I want to be loved. It is not because I am not loveable as I once thought but simply because their love is not the same deep passionate love that mine is. This person has simply moved on while I have stayed where I am. I still love this person with my entire heart and I always will. She has made me a better person, one much more tolerant of other people. She has taught me to not project my expectations onto someone else as we are very different individuals and what I expect may not be something the other person is capable of delivering.
Love is a partnership and as such when it is one sided there really is no contract between the parties involved. Sometimes dissolution or separation of the partnership may be the only solution. It doesn't mean that my heart loves her any less but I have to learn that it wasn't me that let go. Yet at the same time, I have to figure out how to let go. I still love my self, as I know loving me will be the major constant in my life. I may sometimes be angry at my self, disappointed, and at times downright disgusted, but through it all, I know that I will always love me for who I am.
I will move on but after the rip in my heart has mended. I remind my self frequently I am loveable that I did nothing wrong except making the assumption I could control someone else's feelings. I will begin to go out again and join that inevitable search for some new love in my life, realizing that I will again be opening my self for heartache. At least I know that I have tried and with each new love that I have, my life is changed forever. These experiences may be good or bad but it is what I do with the knowledge I gain that counts. I will miss the wonderful, passionate feelings that love made my whole body and mind come alive but I have the golden opportunity to remain friends with a person that I really love. So in knowing that it is not me that has changed, I am going to let go of my one and only love so that as the butterfly she can move on to see what the big wide world has in store for her. Who knows what awaits me beyond the next bend in life? However, because I now know that love comes from within me rather than to me, I know that once I get past the grief of giving up what I thought was the love of my life, I will be ready to move on.
I can go to bed at night saddened by events in my life such as missing my love so very much. However, come the morning sun, I will remember to jump out of bed, throw open my arms wide, and shout to the world 'I'M BACK' and move on with my life.
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