I hurt! I ache! I cry! I hide! I can't pretend to understand what has happened as my heart breaks into a million particles. Sleep eludes me and when I do close my eyes, I see her face. I taste her. I feel her heat. In my mind, I hear her speaking affectionately to me, promising to love me forever. She pledged to be with me until the end of time. How can time be so fleeting?

I never intended to love her, only to befriend her. Somehow, someway, she burrowed herself into the center of my being. My thoughts were consumed with her. I raced through my day to be with her uninterrupted each evening. She drew me tight into her tangled web. Like a wingless fly, I fell besotted into the trap, unable to pull away. She was a black widow spider, attracting me by her words of love and commitment. She gave me promises that made me desire to be with her forever. But like the deadly spider, she snuffed the life out of me until I became a shell of my former self.

I ignored old friends and new acquaintances to be alone with her. She had my full attention, every uncommitted moment of my time. I drew away from the world, as she became total focus. I lived for her touch, her words, her smell and her taste. She held my heart locked within her hands. I have never loved as deeply as I loved her. She became my obsession, the reason I awakened each day. She was the center of all, my entire universe.

I had to be with her all the time. She held me close by weaving a false web of love to hold me tight. I would awaken with her on my mind, wondering how was she. Did she rest well? Was she okay? Would I hear from her soon? I'd wait anxiously for her to reach out to me, as I never knew when or how to reach her first. She was elusive and hard to pin down. Once I connected with her she would respond to my questions with false rationalizations as to why she was missing. My time was her time and her time was unquestionable. Looking back, I see she never made me her priority.

She knew the words to say that would draw the strongest feelings out of my soul. Until meeting her, I prided myself in being emotionally strong and self-sufficient. I lost all confidence with myself during my relationship with her. Where once I was positive and in control, I got to where I would cry for no reason. Where once I could see my future clearly, I grew to see only confusion and fright.

Why was love not enough? Why must absolute total control be associated with loving someone? Why must I give up all that I am to be loved by one who professes to love me unconditionally? She sucked me dry and wanted more. I failed in meeting her emotional needs and desires. She needed so much more than I was capable of giving. She was destroying me day by day rather than helping me blossom and grow within my love for her.

Her possessiveness drove me into not telling her the truth when I did anything without her. I lied about what time I worked as she hounded me to be with her my every waking minute. She didn't care if talking with her made me late to work. She didn't care if calls to me during work interrupted my interactions with customers or my co-workers. She wanted and needed me to drop everything to focus on her. Because I was so in love, my judgment became flawed and I vacillated between what I needed to do to giving in to her obsessive grasp.

I dared not let her know if I spoke to anyone else without her knowing first who it was. Her jealously frightened me and made me fear the unreasonable bursts of anger and violence she portrayed all to frequently. At times it was worse when she would freeze me out of her life and refuse to talk with me as punishment for some imagined infraction that I may have done.

In loving her, I became a shadow of myself. In loving her, I became depressed and withdrawn. In loving her, I became reclusive and antisocial. In loving her, I lost myself.

Yet one day, I had an abrupt mental awakening. I knew to survive I had to leave her. My love for her was killing me. I hurt! I ache! I cry! I hide! But at least, I exist. I have shut her out of my life. I am working to drive her out of my heart. She will never be out of my mind, as I want always to remember that love can be used as a deadly destructive weapon against another person. I want to remember how close I came to losing myself for eternity. I don't know if my experience with her is going to scar all future relationships I'll have. I do know that openness and trust toward someone I could love will be changed forever.

Love cannot be an obsession. It must be given and received freely. It must be treated as a cherished gift and not as a weapon. Will I ever love again? Only Time Will Tell.

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Copyright © February 2004 by Shadylady. All Rights Reserved.