This is for my own Amazon family: Nightsong, Eptalk, Marty, Pixie, LA and Tang. I love you all, let the Amazon Tribe be Reborn! (ATR, for those who don't recognize my plug. :D ) And finally to my best friend D, where you go, so does my heart.
Dear Ephiny,
As you journey from this world to the home of your ancestors, I know that you can hear my thoughts. As I looked upon your casket, I tried not to think of the cold body inside, or of the spirit cut short. I thought, instead, of the fierce and beautiful soul that will find a place among our departed sisters.
By all accounts you should have hated me - a young, untrained woman adopting the role of an Amazon noble. Terreis had given me her right of caste with all the affection and gratitude of her heart, but I suspect that you questioned her soundness of mind. Here was this outsider, a stranger to both custom and battle mixing with a line of royal blood and honor.
I remember how impatient and angry you were with it all. I smile when I think of my snide remark to you that first day, hurrying me as I was ceremoniously dressed in Terreis' clothes. I can still see the expression of shock that alighted your face at the realization that I could indeed stand up for myself.
Later, as Eponin and I trained with the staff, you awakened me to the seriousness of its purpose. By demonstrating the best way to disarm and kill the enemy, you showed me that my position was not merely a fantasy or a game - expectations and responsibility came along with it.
As it became necessary to challenge Queen Melosa's place on the throne, I admired your courage in standing by Xena and I. You put your life in my warrior's hands for the good of the nation and of peace.
Has so much time passed? I can see it as clear as if it had all just happened.
After the events of that day, we finally got to talk?and to bond. I shared with you my stories and my feelings of inadequacy as I learned about life on the road. Life with Xena. You shared with me your dreams for the amazon nation and your pride in its warriors. It was then that I noticed how you were growing closer to Phantes, once your sworn enemy and now rapidly becoming your friend. As Xena and I left for our next adventure, I wondered what was in store for the tribe I was now a part of, what your plans were for the future.
Meeting again during the war crisis at Thessaly was a way I never expected for us to be reunited. It was a wonder that either of us made it, really. You, with a child about to be born, and I, wounded by a soldier's dagger. I wanted you to have the last thing I could give you as a friend and sister - my rite of caste if you outlived me. But you refused to accept my death, just as Xena did, and denied my request. When I came to from my apparent "death", it was a joy and an honor to see your first son, Xenon. It was then that I realized there was still so much life to be had and I was a fool for thinking I could let it go so easily. That either of my best friends would let me go so easily.
Your sweet little Xenon. So small and already without a father. Inside, I grieved for the loss of the person whom you loved most in this world. Had I been in your place, I never would have survived losing Xena.
You must forgive me for rambling on. I often do when I recall things that spark such passion and emotion inside me.
As I was saying, Xenon was without a father. How ironic that nearly two years later, I would have to come to terms with the loss of a daughter. First mentally through my abandonment, and then physically as I was forced to take her life that first time. Because of that, Xena also lost a child. Poor Solan. I will never know if I could have saved him by first saving Hope's soul. I still have nightmares about Solan's sweet face, twisted in fury and pointing me out as his murderer. The Xena in my dreams lashes out and succeeds in throwing my lifeless body from the cliffs. The one in this plain forgives me, I know. But that hurt is still there, and constant whenever I look at Eve.
I remember those days when I subjected myself to a cleansing ritual, a punishment for my crimes. You would often come into my room and talk to me, so quietly. With soothing words and soft caresses you tried to bring me out of the state I was in. But I couldn't move. My body had no more strength to keep going, just like my heart. I could hear you, but I couldn't move, or cry, or feel. The turmoil within my soul wouldn't let me. Still, you were there, and continued to be there up until Xena galloped into the village and dragged me out. When she broke your arm, I knew she would kill you or anyone else that got in her way.
I told you later of Illusia, of Xena's love and of forgiveness. You didn't want to let her live, let alone forgive her. Only because I stayed your hand and pardoned her did you understand that we had both atoned and moved on. You swore once that you would kill her, but I know you controlled the impulses inspired by your rage for love of me.
Yes, I know you loved me, Ephiny. Not as my sister, or merely my confidante, but with passionate love. You always spoke to me of loneliness, of another mother for Xenon. I could see the glimmer in your eyes, perhaps wishing that it would be me someday.
Perhaps if I had stayed in the village that first time instead of with Xena, I might have had time to fall in love with you. I considered it sometimes because I admired many of your noble and compassionate qualities. I always thought you beautiful, and wondered what it would be like to have you touch me as a lover would. I can see the shock on your face in my mind - yes, even then I knew that women could love each other that way. I wasn't that naïve, despite first impressions! And besides, as a bard and a student I learned about many subjects early in my childhood. As my consort, you would have been exceptionally good for our nation, considering your high hopes and goals for its survival.
But I learned quickly that my feelings were indeed elsewhere. I had always thought my heart open to anyone who would care for me, but not one person came along who ever held both my heart and my attention. I married Perdicus more out of loneliness and comfort then out of any real love. Ours was a more friendly than sensual joining. You know how that ended up. Crying out of guilt and anger I vowed I would never love anyone else, or put anyone else in danger by loving me.
Then Xena died - and I knew anguish like none I had ever experienced. Atlas' heavy burden had no comparison to the staggering weight I carried on my own shoulders. I debated with myself whether to simply die away, or make a new attempt at life for the Amazon nation and myself. In the end, I chose the latter and offered up my sorrow for the good of our sisters. Not out of a sense of duty, but out of a need to move on. Your patience and understanding in this difficult time could not have been more welcome, and I once more I found myself thanking Artemis for having brought you into my life.
Your protection didn't cease even with Xena's resuscitation. I think you knew from the moment I fed her the ambrosia and held her warm, live body again in my arms that I saw no other love. She means it all to me.
She *is* love to me.
Even with that realization, you put your life in danger without a thought when Velasca stormed the village. Be it out of that formidable sense of honor or out of loyalty to the crown, I knew it was also out of love. We never spoke of it, but it was there.
So much time?so many things left unsaid. And now you're gone.
I cried with desperation as they lit your funeral pyre?I don't know if I will ever stop. Not only the nation has mourned you, Xena has too. She knows how you stepped aside for us to be happy together. She witnessed firsthand your devotion to me and to the Amazons. Chilapa will rule now in your stead as well as mine, but no one will ever replace you in our hearts.
We love you.
We miss you.
May Artemis bless you?always.
Ever your friend,
Gabrielle
17/01/01