Sex and Alternative Content Warning: They're together. Definitely. Nothing too graphic, though.
Timeline: This story takes place after the events of Fallen Angel; however, in my world, the pregnancy arc never happened.
Author's note will appear in the final segment.
Part 1
She thinks of me as a little girl. She's trying, I'll give her credit for that. Her perception of me is changing, bit by bit, day by day. She'll admit that I'm a capable fighter. She knows that I can defend myself and, if necessary, even defend her.
I wonder what goes on in that mind of hers. She knows that I've come to terms with the loss of my blood innocence. It's been a long journey, filled with pain, regret, and misunderstanding, culminating in our death and resurrection. I've accepted that I can, and probably will, kill again in defense of myself or others, but Xena still struggles with my decision and does everything in her power to keep me out of danger.
She offers words of understanding and comfort when I wake from night terrors, visions of blood and horror. She holds me, strokes my hair, caresses my forehead, until I drift gently back to sleep on a wave of pure sensuality, yet she only rarely allows herself to touch me simply because I am homesick or lonely.
I know that she understands physical longing. She is a sensual creature, a sexual creature. Naïve as I was, I understood that right away. I know that she's had several lovers, though she doesn't like to talk about them. I thought, at first, that her hesitation was due to my lack of experience. After all, I was a simple farm girl, and she was a sophisticated warlord. How could I understand such passions? But even after my marriage to Perdicas, she still avoided the topic.
I understand her early reluctance. I was consumed by her beauty, by the guilt and sorrow that haunted her clear blue eyes. I would have gone anywhere, done whatever she asked of me, to keep traveling with her. She must have known that; I could see her battling her darker instincts, the ones that would once have led her to exploit such innocent adoration. I caught her watching me, once, during those first months. I was dozing by the fire while she sharpened her sword. She was looking at me so gently, so tenderly, yet with a burning intensity. I closed my eyes before she realized I was awake.
I've often wondered what she was feeling that night. Was it the fierce protectiveness of a mother guarding her child? the amazement of a doomed warrior rejoicing at a second chance at life? the passion of a lover watching her partner sleep? I don't know.
In the years that have passed since that night, I've seen the different faces of Xena. I've seen the mother, the Destroyer of Nations, and the lover, but I've not seen that look again. All this time, I've watched her carefully, quietly, but that intense gaze appears only in my memories, burning straight into my heart.
Sometimes I find myself thinking about what would have happened if I hadn't closed my eyes that night, if I had approached her. Would she have allowed my touch? Would I have been ravished by the Warrior Princess, or would she have taken possession of my body slowly and gently? Would she have simply tucked me back into my bedroll and told me to go to sleep?
I should know the answers to these questions. We've been together for five years, and sometimes I think that I know Xena better than myself. The truth is that I have no idea how she would have reacted then, and, more importantly, I have no idea how she would react now.
I've been asking myself this question with increasing frequency since Eli brought Xena and me back from the dead. Our relationship has changed in a very subtle, but fundamental, way. We've as much as confessed our love for one another, and we've promised that we will always be together. I know that my path is with Xena. My heart and soul are bound to hers, and I ache to share the physical expression of my love with her. Why can't she see that?
Continued in Part 2...