I am standing here looking out of the window of my soul. I am not sure what is real or what is fake. I do not know what my eyes should trust and believe in and what they should skip over and never pay attention to. I am afraid of what my heart should grab on to and hold or of what it should let slip through the cracks where it has been broken.

I am unable to take a step forward now without fear taking over. Fear has not scared me like this since I was a teenager and I am an adult now. I am not supposed to fear anything. I am not supposed to be a child any more. I am supposed to be strong and not be scared.

I am not supposed to have tears in my eyes as I feel the hurt encase my heart. I am not supposed to run and hide. I am not that child! I am not the frightened child who wishes she had never been born. No! However tonight, I am the adult who thinks I shouldn't have been born now because I know I wouldn't feel the pain I am now feeling, the pain of betrayal.

When something I hold dear is suddenly taken out of my hands and stepped on, I die inside. I watch it crumble and slip between my fingertips and I feel so alone. I ask how can friends be real friends and treat me with distrust and belittle me.

Whispers of the wind chill me to the bone like never before. My fingers feel cold to the touch. My toes are freezing in my socks. So cold, so alone.

I feel over dramatic with everything. Why am I even thinking? It should be gone. It should be gone!

Trusted Target is what I feel. TRUSTED shouldn't even be there. It doesn't feel right even in my heart or my mind. Target is like a big red dot in the middle of the chest waiting for pot shots to be taken. Do I say what I mean or does what I say have no meaning? The pain of betrayal feels me with self-doubt.

I reread what I have written and I still have no clue what so ever; no clue to the why or reason. I couldn't stand up for myself. I didn't fight back. I just ran when I should have yelled and screamed and said, "FUCK YOU!"

Does it matter? I think it does?. now. I think I wouldn't be here at 12:53 am on a Saturday morning writing this for some conclusion or answer so I won't feel like I am no good and it is all my fault even when I know it isn't true. I've been told this by people who do trust me?.. and I trust them. They are the only reason I have not backed out totally with talking to anyone and knowing how stubborn I am? leaving forever.

I just wish I could build the courage to take a step and not linger on the outside. I have tried, but I just can't. Something is stopping me from it. I get a tight feeling all over my body when I even think about it. I am unsure of what to do about this pain and how to get over it. I write these words hoping to purge the bitterness, pain and sense of betrayal from my heart and mind.

I know sitting here listening to this damn music isn't helping. I need to go to bed and hopefully tomorrow I can get over the fear and the pain and get to where I need to be. I am going to say good night and leave to crawl in bed and sleep. I hope that tomorrow will bring me closer to answers I do not have and closure to the pain that eats so strongly at my heart from the betrayal of people I thought were my friends.


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Copyright © Feb 2004 by T. Stratton. All Rights Reserved