The first thing Xena noticed was the dull throb in her temples. There was enough light in the room that it hurt a little to open her eyes, and her tongue felt thick with thirst. It occurred to her that at least the bed she was lying on was surprisingly comfortable.
The second thing she noticed was that she was not alone in the bed. Honey-blond hair tickled her nose, along with the familiar scent of woodsmoke and something like lilacs. She slowly registered that her arms were wrapped around Gabrielle, whose back was tucked against Xena's torso. The bard was asleep, her breath coming in soft, even hushes. Xena's right arm was pinned under Gabrielle's shoulder and had gone numb.
The third thing Xena noticed was that she wasn't wearing a stitch of clothing, and neither was Gabrielle.
The second and third observations, taken individually, were not particularly astonishing. A few months after they had first met, an especially cold, damp night in Thrace had set Gabrielle's teeth chattering noisily as she lay in her blankets across from Xena. After several minutes of this the warrior had sighed, thrown back her covers and hissed for Gabrielle to join her. She'd muttered something to the effect that she'd had to listen to Gabrielle talk all day, and she wasn't about to let her chatter through the night too... but she'd still smiled to herself there in the dark, feeling Gabrielle arrange herself quickly and contentedly, close to her warm body. The bard even managed to steal most of the blankets during the night. Ever since then, Gabrielle had occasionally shared Xena's bedroll on cool nights. Inn beds, too, when all they could get was one. Sometimes Xena would even hold her for a while or stroke her back.
As for being naked - well, that happened all the time. They had to swim, bathe, change clothes and tend wounds on a rather regular basis. Gabrielle had been shy about it only at first, but Xena had noticed the way even her friend's choice in clothing got more revealing and, thank the gods, more form-fitting, as she learned the practicalities of traveling and as her self-confidence grew. Within a few weeks, stripping down in front of Xena had become casual and second-nature to her. Sometimes, after particularly warm nights, Xena would go to wake her only to find her sleeping nude under a light blanket.
But sleeping together and naked... this was new, at least with Gabrielle. Xena shook her head slightly, noting the unusual sensations and trying in vain to reconstruct the events that had led to this arrangement. Hades, her head hurt.
It was when she tried to sit up that she noticed something else unexpected, and altogether shocking. As she pulled herself away, her skin clung ever so slightly to Gabrielle's back in a way that was too familiar; the sticky separation of bodies that had been sweating the previous night with--
Xena whispered a curse hoarsely. Now her mind fairly scrambled to piece together a coherent memory of the recent past. They were on their way to Chalcidice... they'd come to the Foxhead Inn... images blurred together in her mind of Gabrielle telling a story between mouthfuls from an enormous plate of food, Xena snorting and raising her mug to her lips, the bartender bringing her another... and then another?... Xena cursed again softly, looking over at the second small bed a few feet away, its covers neat and untouched. She must have gotten thundered out of her tree the night before... and she and Gabrielle had slept together. Except this time they'd really slept together. And with an ice-cold wash of dismay and shock, Xena realized she didn't remember a thing about it.
Her stomach turned sickeningly. She attempted again to separate herself completely from Gabrielle. What would happen when she woke up? Had she been drinking as well? Xena thought she remembered Gabrielle ordering a light mead of some kind -- nothing particularly potent. Xena winced; her right hand was limp and useless from lack of circulation and was making extrication difficult.
Gabrielle stirred slightly and sighed, arching her back. The warrior held her breath, pinned and paralyzed. Gabrielle's shoulder ground into Xena's tender elbow underneath her. With her neck bent forward, Xena saw for the first time a set of deep parallel scratch marks along the bard's nape. She sucked in her breath sharply, her eyes passing quickly over the rest of Gabrielle's body. She saw dark bruises mottling Gabrielle's left wrist, and had to stifle a choked gasp. She had done this kind of damage before, to other bodies, in times long past and places far away, but she had only done it to Gabrielle in her nightmares.
After a languorous stretch, Gabrielle settled her head back against the pillows, turning her face back towards Xena, smacking her lips slightly. Xena swallowed hard when she saw her companion's eyes open, then widen. Agonizing minutes passed in a single second. The warrior saw recognition, remembrance, and fear shadowing Gabrielle's face in waves. Xena's mouth could not form the brokenhearted words, What have I done?
In an instant, Gabrielle had leapt off the bed, taking one of the tangled sheets with her and clutching it to her breast. Her mouth moved, but only incoherent words fell from it into the heavy air. "Xena - you - but I didn't..." The knowledge that she had caused this disturbed expression kept Xena rooted to the mattress. "Gabrielle..." her voice caught in her throat. She was still in shock. The bard backed away from the bed, step by trembling step. "Xena... I didn't want to..." she whispered tearfully before sinking against the wall and burying her face in her hands.
Xena rose to her knees and swung one foot off the bed awkwardly, stepping on her leathers. Cursing herself, she grabbed them up, clumsily donning them, her right hand tingling as the blood returned to it. She was the last person in the world who could comfort Gabrielle now, and she could think of nothing else to do but remove herself from the presence of her friend - if she would even ever consider Xena a friend again. Through a haze of tears and rising rage she swept up her weapons, armour and boots and rushed for the door, choking out, "I'm sorry, Gabrielle," before it slammed shut behind her.
"Warrior woman! You're up a little late, aren't you?" chortled a man's thick voice from behind the bar as Xena stalked out into the main hall of the inn. The stout barkeep was stacking mugs with a knowing smile. His smile faded as Xena came closer. She grabbed him by the collar and hoisted him, belly and all, over his polished bar. She sneered at his gasps. "I came to pay for the room, not listen to your pathetic prattling," she spat. A tiny voice inside her exclaimed thoughtlessly, "Alliteration! Gabrielle would be so proud!" That thought poured fresh anguish over Xena's anger. She threw the man down to his feet, hurled a small bag of dinars onto the bar, and turned away, her voice cracking. "If my... companion wants anything to eat this morning, give it to her." She stormed out the door. The bartender recovered himself, tossed the bag in one beefy palm and ventured it would be enough to cover the room, their tab and whatever food that kid could put away again this morning. He had to admit - warriors could cause trouble, but their guilt-offerings were well worth a little roughing up.
***
Gabrielle watched the doorposts shudder and hugged her knees, rocking and sobbing. She screamed inwardly at herself over and over for her stupidity, her thoughtlessness, her weakness. Couldn't she have resisted? Couldn't she have thought for one moment about the destruction she might cause by her actions? Her sobs turned into angry, wordless gasps as she fought the urge to tear at her own hair and skin. She was going to lose Xena, the person who mattered most to her in all the world. Not to a warlord's dagger or a Persian horse archer, or disease, or any of the countless other outside threats they'd encountered and fought off, but to her own selfishness and dishonesty. What was I thinking?
She laid her cheek on her knee, hiccuping a bit. You know what you were thinking. She had sometimes suspected that the warrior was attracted to her. She had caught Xena gazing at her a little too often for a little too long. Then there were the flirtatious smiles -- oh gods, that smile--, the squeezes and playful slaps, the occasional kiss on the cheek or the forehead, the expressions of devotion, however sparingly worded. But just as quickly, Xena could turn cold and stoic, every bit the warrior, never really resting, never really at ease.
The opportunity last night had presented itself so quickly, and she had found herself grasping greedily at the chance, not willing to admit that loving Xena this way, under these circumstances, was a kind of abuse, whether the warrior found her attractive or not. Xena might not remember exactly what had happened, but she would surely never forget the fact that Gabrielle had taken advantage of her in a very vulnerable moment.
She hadn't meant to fall asleep in Xena's bed - there were two in the room, after all. She had lain there cradling the sleeping warrior, stroking her powerful back and arms for a few delicious moments, listening to the soft snoring and contemplating the mixture of guilt, smugness and immense satisfaction she felt. The excitement of the risk she had just taken, not to mention her exertions, had given way to drowsy afterthought. She'd maneuvered Xena's relaxed limbs and turned herself carefully until she was snuggled up in the taller woman's embrace. This feels so good, she'd marveled. I'll just close my eyes for a minute. She had intended to get up again, cover Xena modestly, pull her own shift on and slip into the other bed.
Xena would wake up to find herself undressed and would certainly notice the rumpled sheets, but that could be explained easily enough. "Gee, Xena," Gabrielle had planned to say with a grin, "You're really... enthusiastic... when you pleasure yourself drunk." Xena would either give a little groan of embarassment or throw a pillow at her, complain about her hangover, probably make Gabrielle promise never to let her drink that much again, and they would be on their way. Maybe she would never have the opportunity to touch Xena that way again, to kiss her the way she had done. But at least she could comfort herself in the memory of it, finally knowing what her skin tasted like, how soft her tongue felt, what it was like to love the warrior princess completely. Or at least as completely as Xena had been able to handle. Just for a moment... then I'll move.
Well, that was all over now. Gabrielle's shoulders slumped helplessly. She began to dress slowly, her mind numb, knowing only that she had to wait long enough for Xena to get Argo from the stables and leave town before she went downstairs. Beyond that, she didn't have the strength or desire to plan. The sound of the bed creaking beneath her as she sat heavily to wait brought forth a fresh round of tears.
***
Xena's legs gave way beneath her and she collapsed onto a bale of hay in Argo's small stall. The horse whinnied questioningly and nudged Xena's face with her muzzle. The warrior sat in a heap of disappointment and disgust.
"I really did it this time, Argo," she croaked. I took advantage of the only person I can completely trust. I took something from her... I hurt her. I didn't even know what I was doing. Indeed, her mind was only beginning to fathom the consequences of what must have been a drunken lust. Life without Gabrielle... temporarily, if not permanently. "Gabrielle's forgiven me for everything I've ever done," she whispered to Argo. "She's loved me when I didn't deserve it. But I'm not sure I even want her to forgive me for this." Tears burned her eyes again. I've got to get out of here.
Her fingers fumbled with the tack and her other equipment. Images and memories, once held dear, mocked her mercilessly, flaunting before her all the precious and close moments she had shared with Gabrielle. In a single night, she had all but destroyed them. A nasty thought entered her mind: I'm surprised you lasted this long. All those times you watched her bathing, hiding your desire behind that casual expression; all the times you had to count stars while you held her at night just so you could avoid thinking about rolling her underneath you, kissing her perfect mouth, running your hands over her body. All the times you worked out just a little longer because you thought maybe, just maybe, she was watching you out of the corner of her eye. Did you really think it wouldn't all boil over some day? She cinched the saddle with a jerk, cursing herself yet again for not finding some excuse to part from Gabrielle the instant she'd realized how much in love with her she was. It had been so easy to pretend that she loved the soft curve of the bard's cheek and the sound of her voice just because she was her best friend, because she'd always been there for her.
"That's what friends do. They stick together when there's trouble." Those early words of Gabrielle's, when she seemed barely more than a child in so many ways, came back to Xena's mind and stilled her hands. Whatever Xena had done to her last night, Gabrielle hadn't run away. Maybe she was too trusting, too forgiving. "I at least owe her an explanation, don't I?" Xena asked Argo, who naturally didn't have an opinion on the matter. Xena sat down again. How would this explanation go? I've been hot for you for longer than I care to admit, Gabrielle. But I guess I got into a drunken stupor, forgot myself and all my promises and forced you to have sex with me. It's a warlord thing; you wouldn't understand.
The trouble was, Gabrielle would understand. She had seen enough of that dark side of Xena, and she had seen enough of the world to know how conquerors acted in their tents and behind closed doors. She knew perfectly well how lust could overcome judgement, even if she had never crossed that line herself. She was an adult woman, not a child or an awkward teenager, and she knew. She didn't need Xena to explain anything to her. But the least Xena could do was to take full, honest and sober responsibility for what had happened before getting out of Gabrielle's life -- as soon as she could get her head to stop spinning... which wasn't going to be anytime soon, she thought, suddenly feeling too sick to stay upright.
***
It was late morning when Gabrielle made her way cautiously down the steps toward the bar and out the door, struggling to nod politely to the bartender, who gave her a strange look. He called after her and inclined his head towards a plate of fruits and bread on the table, but she shook her head and left quickly.
It was only when she reached the edge of town and saw the expanse of rocky forest ahead of her that the full impact of the situation settled on her. She wasn't really that far from Potideia. Three or four days' journey, at most. But she wasn't sure she wanted to go home. There would be the questions, for one thing. Lila would know something was wrong, and there was no way Gabrielle was going to tell her. No, she couldn't go home yet. The only thing she could think of to do was to head for the nearby coast. Get lost in a harbour town... find a few days' mindless work repairing fishing nets or something. Xena had taught her how to do that once. An unbidden memory made her shudder - Xena's strong fingers covering her own smaller ones, showing her how to bind up even the most tattered netting, her low voice giving instructions, the small muscles in her forearms jumping and twisting as she worked. It was the kind of thing she was going to have to learn to forget if she had any hope of staying sane.
***
It took Gabrielle the rest of the day to reach the coast. Ordinarily she would have found the seabreeze exhilarating and rejuvenating as she climbed down out of the muggy woods towards the shore. As it was, by the time she had found a suitable place to camp, she barely had the energy to build a firepit in the sand and begin gathering wood. She always collected large, heavy pieces first, saving the light work of finding twigs and small sticks for afterwards, when she was more tired.
She returned to her chosen site just as the sun was setting with an armload of thick broken branches, only to find a good pile of twigs lying there beside her firepit. She dropped her burden and reached for her staff quickly, her eyes searching the darkening underbrush and forest.
Someone approached, making no attempt to disguise his or her presence, sticks and twigs snapping underfoot.
"Who's there?" Gabrielle called, her voice roughened from the distresses of the day.
The tall form approached. Even without her armour, Xena's frame and footfalls were unmistakeable. "It's me," she said quietly. Gabrielle stood momentarily spellbound, her heart pounding in her throat, staring into the cool blue eyes. Those same eyes had looked at her in befuddled amazement last night as Gabrielle had pushed Xena stealthily back against the pillows. "Whoa... Gabrielle..." She had pressed two fingers to the warrior's lips ("Shhh, Xena, don't talk,") and then replaced them with her mouth and tongue, feeling like a thief in the night.
Gabrielle could barely look at her for a few seconds more before shamefacedly dropping her burden on the ground and intoning tightly, "I don't know why you're here."
Xena couldn't stand it another minute. She came forward quickly, her anger at herself rising again. "Gabrielle, please listen, just for a minute. What happened was... inexcusable. Unforgivable."
Gabrielle turned her face away, her eyes welling up. "Then why did you come after me? Why are you torturing me like this? I know what happened! Can't you see I've got to get away from you?"
The sharp, untempered words stung Xena to the core. She felt dizzy at the reality that Gabrielle didn't want to be with her anymore, even though she had been steeling herself to it all day. She swallowed hard and forced herself to forge on.
"Gabrielle, I never wanted it to turn out this way. I tried so hard to be honest with you but I just couldn't. I cared for you too much to tell you the truth." Something inside Gabrielle made her straighten, look directly at Xena, and summon forth every scrap of honour and strength she had to face up to the last flying pieces of her shattered life. "Well, you can tell me now," she said in a low voice. This is it. All the flirtations, all those significant looks and touches were just to humour me. They were never meant to last. I was your friend, nothing more - and now I might not even be able to be that.
Xena drew in a breath. "I love you. I know I've betrayed your trust - I never meant for that to happen. I never meant to hurt you. I wasn't in control, and I must have just... snapped. It's not an excuse. It's just an explanation."
There was a long silence.
"What?"
Xena's eyes fell. "I know. What I did was... it was a terrible violation, Gabrielle. If anyone else had done that to you, I swear I would have killed them where they stood."
"Xena..." Gabrielle's chest felt tight. She stammered, rounding up the new information, trying to get everything to make sense. "Xena, how can you act like you did something wrong?"
The warrior felt her stomach go hot with self-loathing as she realized just how much this had affected Gabrielle, how she had damaged the bard's sense of herself. "Oh, Gabrielle, no. You mustn't ever, ever think this was your fault!" She dropped to her knees in the sand in front of the bard. "Whatever you do, you have to understand that I'm responsible for this. I know you must be paying a terrible price for my mistake, and it's so unfair..."
"Wait a minute, wait a minute," Gabrielle interrupted, her eyes wide and her heart skipping several beats. "You were drunk. And you don't remember anything. So you think that you...." She made a vague, weak gesture.
Xena was watching the bard's face change, feeling the atmosphere drifting from surreal to downright bizarre. "I think that I... uh... I think that I'm confused." She tentatively reached out and indicated Gabrielle's wrist, still not quite daring to touch her. "Those bruises... didn't I...? And your neck?"
Kneeling down to be eye to eye with Xena, Gabrielle touched both tender spots, her mind whirling. "Xena, don't you remember yesterday morning... you almost fell in the ravine? I leaned over to help you out and you lost your footing on that bit of rock..." Gabrielle's shoulders and back still twinged from the effort of briefly holding up the warrior's entire body weight to pull her to safety. "You grabbed me wherever you could get hold of. You would have fallen otherwise. These aren't from... last night."
Xena stared at her friend for a long moment, then passed a hand wearily over her eyes. "Okay," she sighed, "Maybe you'd better just tell me exactly what did happen... last night," although judging from the bard's reddening complexion, she was starting to suspect certain possibilities.
Gabrielle let Xena build up the fire while she sat down and summoned the courage to speak. She began to relate their arrival at the Inn and her jovial greetings with the patrons in the bar. As she talked, the slight easing of the tension between the two women sent her nervous energy spiralling off on a tangent. "You were doing your warrior thing, of course, giving people dark looks - especially that guy in the corner who kept checking me out. He was sort of cute in a Thracian kind of way..."
"I remember that part, Gabrielle," Xena said dryly, as the fire crackled to life. The dancing flames made Gabrielle think of the hearth back at the inn, and how the light had shimmered in Xena's half-lidded eyes as she leaned back in her chair and oh-so-casually put her boots up on the table. Now there was a sight that always drove Gabrielle insane with desire. It showed everyone else in the tavern that the table was Xena's, and yet Gabrielle was always admitted into her personal space. It was a kind of public intimacy that thrilled the young bard no end. And then, there were her legs... Yep, that was what had started it all. Gabrielle gave herself a shake, suddenly aware of the passing seconds of her reverie.
"Well, I got their Polusitos Platter and you got..."
"Port."
"Yeah." Gabrielle inclined her head. "You didn't actually eat anything. You said you weren't that hungry, and I polished off my food kinda fast anyway."
"Sounds accurate so far." Xena arched one wry eyebrow.
"Well, some woman in the bar recognized you as the mysterious warrior who rescued her husband and father back at Pylos a few months back. She insisted on buying you another port. And then I started telling the story, and this other guy was so impressed that he bought you..."
"... another port."
"Two, actually. Do you want me to keep going, or are you going to fill in all the blanks yourself?" Gabrielle smirked a bit but then shrugged sheepishly. "You didn't want to accept the drinks. You were rolling your eyes all over the place. I told you it would be rude to refuse these people. They just want to show their gratitude to you for everything you've done for them." Gabrielle didn't mention the fact that with each drink, Xena had gotten a little more relaxed, a little more ready to smile or make a joke, and the bard hadn't wanted that to end.
"Uh-huh." Xena sat back on her haunches, brushing sand off her knees. "And then...?
Gabrielle decided to edit a little. She swallowed and became very interested in poking stray twigs into the fire. "And then... it got late, and we climbed upstairs to our room." There was a brief silence. "Okay, I climbed upstairs to our room, with you kind of draped over my shoulder." Xena's eyes widened at the image.
Gabrielle continued, her words now unusually quiet and hesitant. "I put you on the bed and... helped you take off your armour."
"I'm sure that was loads of fun."
"Yeah. Loads."
Xena had fumbled with the strap on her right greave. "I'll do it, you hopeless sot," Gabrielle had teased, removing it with deft fingers. "'Kay, but no more name-calling," Xena mumbled as the left greave dropped to the floor next. Her hands went back to her right knee and began to fumble with a greave that wasn't there anymore. "Xena, we did that one already." "Oh." Gabrielle supposed that was when it had really occurred to her what kind of opportunity lay before her.
"So there you were."
"There I was?"
"Yeah, there you were... just in your leathers and uhm..." Gabrielle's voice grew strangely strangled. "You were letting me touch you. Just your face," she added hastily, lest Xena should think she was an uncontrollable pervert from the get-go. "I liked it. You don't often let me do that kind of thing for long. And you got sort of quiet after a while. It felt so good to touch you, and once I'd started..." Gabrielle halted. All the other stray twigs were out of reach, so she stared at the sand.
"I didn't try to stop you, did I," Xena finished softly. Gabrielle shook her head, her blond hair falling about her face. "I was sure you weren't going to remember what happened in the morning. I'd wanted you too badly for too long, and it was too easy to justify it just this once. I don't know what else to say... I'm so sorry." Gabrielle went silent and couldn't seem to continue. After a long few moments, Xena spoke gently. "So we did make love, then."
Gabrielle flushed. "Yeah. I mean... kind of," she finished lamely.
Xena looked at her friend's burning cheeks and downcast eyes and decided not to pry into what "kind of" actually meant. Despite the strangeness of the story, she wasn't surprised in a way. She had been fairly certain for a long time that Gabrielle harboured some feelings for her beyond friendship; she just hadn't allowed herself to dwell much on the possibility until now. Now... Xena sighed deeply. Now, it was all out in the open, and she'd have to explain her own side of things to Gabrielle. She shifted position to sit more comfortably in the sand.
"My turn," she said. Gabrielle looked up, surprised.
"Yes, I've got a story too," Xena said wryly, dropping one of the larger pieces of wood on the fire and poking it into place with a stick. She sighed heavily again, trying to choose her words carefully.
"When I decided to leave the warlord life behind, I made myself some promises. I knew I'd have to keep them if I had any chance of turning my life around." Xena's jaw worked a little as she studied Gabrielle's face. The bard waited, not knowing where this was leading, but captivated as she always was by the chance to learn something new about Xena. "Number one: I promised myself I'd never get drunk like I used to."
"Oops," Gabrielle murmured. Xena's pained expression chastened her. "Sorry. I don't know how drunk you used to get, but last night, at least while we were still in the bar, you were..."
"Shouting at the barkeep for no good reason? Picking fights?"
"No," Gabrielle said. "Actually, at one point you were kind of..." her voice trailed off, as she tried to find a word to describe Xena's inebriated, uncontrollable snickering while she watched Gabrielle playfully tying the laces of her boots together. "Hey Gabby... watchit, there might be horsie poop on those..."
"Kind of..?" Xena prompted anxiously.
"... Silly."
"Oh." Xena looked surprised. "What... never mind. I don't want to know," she muttered. Then she took a slow, deep breath, let it out, and answered the question the bard wasn't asking. "The second thing I promised myself was that I'd never make love with another woman," she said, casting her eyes down at the ground, not quite believing she was hearing that vow spoken aloud after such long secrecy.
Gabrielle sat in silence, digesting this revelation and feeling her heart sink slightly. Every passing second brought another question to her mind, before she could even begin to ask the ones she already had. She was only able to whisper, "But why?"
Xena seemed lost in thought for a long time. Gabrielle was almost going to ask again, when Xena finally spoke.
"It's... complicated," she said hesitantly. "I think you know how rough I used to be... with my soldiers and my lovers." She didn't see Gabrielle flinch or show any sign of discomfort, and went on. "Men are one thing. They can handle it... they're hard by nature, often just as demanding as I used to be. More direct about what they want, less emotional." Gabrielle opened her mouth to speak, but Xena stopped her. "On average. I know they're not all like that. But you have to remember the kind of male company I kept. That, I could identify with."
Gabrielle just nodded. "Go on."
Xena continued, trying to will her stomach to stop jumping around anxiously, still ever fearful of revealing her worst self. "Women are... softer. Easier to hurt. So I hurt them - emotionally and physically. Drink just compounded it all. Even I knew it was cruel. Sometimes I even felt bad about it afterwards." Xena shook her head in disbelief at herself. "So when I decided things had to change, I knew that had to change too. Every time I saw a pretty young woman, about your age, I thought of those girls I had brought to me. I thought of some of the ones I kept like favoured pets for a while and then discarded like old slaves." Her voice shook a bit, and she took a moment to compose herself. "It was one of the most monstrous things about me... and I never want that to happen again, ever. Maybe I've changed, maybe things would be different now, but I can't risk it. I can't be with a woman that way again." Xena set her jaw and jammed her stick into the fire roughly. "Especially not with you. Not that I haven't thought about it." The last words came out of her mouth almost unbidden, and left her slightly breathless in their wake.
Another long silence. Gabrielle was accustomed to comforting Xena, on the rare occasions when she was really upset, but it didn't seem quite the time. Besides, the admission that Xena had feelings for her was making her head spin, even as she realized she'd always known, at some level.
When she could finally speak, Gabrielle said quietly, "You weren't like that with me, you know." Xena closed her eyes. "No really, Xena, think about it. You had been drinking, just like you used to with your army, but..." Gabrielle shrugged. "I didn't see even a hint of what you're describing. You weren't rough. You weren't cruel. I was the one who took advantage of you." Xena successfully managed not to smirk at the idea, and studied Gabrielle's face, which fairly shone with her customary honesty. "I promise you, Xena, you didn't hurt me."
"What did I do?" The warrior looked at her friend now with genuine curiosity and more than a little relief. "C'mon. You can tell me. I'm not angry about what you did, Gabrielle," she said, trying to speak in as comforting a tone as she could. "If our positions had been reversed, that kind of temptation might well have been too much for me, too." She took the risk of placing her hand on Gabrielle's. Encouraged when the bard didn't pull away, she brought their hands to rest on her own knee. "Humour me," she prodded again, smiling gently.
Gabrielle turned another shade of red. "Well, we, uh... I took my stuff off, and you sat back and watched me. Which was kind of fun. I mean... with you. Not that I'd want to do that for just anybody."
Xena laughed indulgently. "I'll remember that."
Gabrielle grinned sheepishly back, and then became more serious. "I really wanted to kiss you... and touch you. Everywhere. So I did. I kept thinking I'd stop after a minute, but you liked it. You kissed me back and just sort of... ran your hands over me slowly while I did the coordinated stuff."
Xena swallowed a little, her hand suddenly feeling extremely warm with Gabrielle's fingers tucked in her palm. "Sorry I missed it."
"It just... felt so good. It was making me crazy and yet I wasn't in a hurry. It was different from..." Gabrielle didn't finish. She didn't want to speak ill of Perdicus. He had tried to be gentle but even that felt rough and a bit painful. It got a little better after the first time, even enjoyable, but never anything like the experience she'd had with Xena.
"It's different with everyone, Gabrielle," Xena pointed out.
"I know." There was a long silence. "Well, I guess you'll have to start over on your first promise," Gabrielle said. Xena rolled her eyes, grunting and nodding ruefully. The bard paused and then continued quietly, "But what about the second one?"
Xena bit her lip. "I don't really know." She looked down at their joined hands, and stroked her thumb over the soft centre of Gabrielle's palm. "I guess I don't have to tell you I find you mindbogglingly attractive."
Gabrielle felt her stomach do a pleasurable flip at the frank admission, her senses mesmerized by the gentle, rhythmic stroking in her palm. "I know you know that," Xena continued. "And now you know why I've never really done anything about it. I've made do for a long time with the little things." She gave Gabrielle's hand a squeeze and smiled, and soon they were both chuckling a little bit, thinking of the same baths, the same evenings close together by the campfire, the same backrubs. Xena's smile became a little sad and resigned. "But I still need time to figure out whether or not I can ever do more than that."
Gabrielle nodded, her lips forming a barely audible "okay" before she squeezed Xena's hand back, then withdrew hers and wrapped her arms around her knees. Both women relaxed a little, recovering from the intensity of the moment. Gabrielle was the first to break the silence. "So..."
"So."
"So what happens now?"
Xena poked the fire one last time. "Now we get some sleep, and get back on the road tomorrow." She breathed deeply, looking up at the stars and squinting. "We might have to stay at the Foxhead again tomorrow night. It's the only place to stay in the area and the woods inland are getting too buggy to sleep outside." She paused and dropped her eyes to meet Gabrielle's. "Are you going to be okay with that?"
Gabrielle looked at her, her green eyes serious and solemn. "If you are."
Xena grinned. "I trust you. All the same I'll be going easy on the port. That hangover was nasty."
Gabrielle clucked at her. "I tried to get you to drink some water, but you fell straight to sleep in my arms."
"Wellll, it's nothing a good night's sleep in the fresh air won't cure," Xena rumbled, standing up and stretching. She turned and gave a quick whistle. Gabrielle heard a far-off whinny, the slapping, jangling sound of Argo's tack and the soft thudding of her hooves.
"It's going to be interesting going back to the Foxhead," Xena muttered, kicking a few stray ends of sticks back into the fire. "The barkeep was smirking at me the minute he saw me this morning."
"Was he looking at your neck?" Gabrielle asked quietly. Xena looked at her sheepish expression, and then her hand flew to her own throat. "Why, what's wrong with it?"
"Uhm... well..." Gabrielle dug her toe in the sand, wishing again for more twigs. "You kind of have a hickey."
Xena stared at her. Now she could feel the sore spot, and Gabrielle's guilty, furtive glance up at her told her she had indeed found it. "I kind of have a hickey? Or I have a hickey?" Gabrielle didn't feel the need to answer. Xena chuckled a bit, and Gabrielle's face broke into a relieved grin. Just then Argo trotted to the warrior's side. Gabrielle spread out her bedroll on one side of the fire as Xena shook hers out from Argo's saddle pack. Seated on her blanket, the bard then found herself watching the shadows playing on the warrior's back muscles as she laid her pad out on the other side.
"Separate beds," Gabrielle squeaked suddenly. Xena paused and looked at her for a moment, one corner of her blanket still in her hand. Gabrielle fiddled with the laces on her boots and cleared her throat. "Tomorrow, I mean. You may trust me, but I need some time too."
Xena nodded, reached for Gabrielle's shoulder and touched it softly, comfortingly. "Okay. Separate beds." She crouched and flung the last corner of her blanket out with a sure flick. Then she flashed her friend a grin over her shoulder, and Gabrielle's stomach did another deep dive. Ye gods, that smile...
"... for now."
FIN