~ Are you? ~
by V
Chapter 3
At some point after Alex opened the door, Olivia had entered the attorney's penthouse and had fallen into her arms and closed the door. She hadn't gone much further than the main entrance both were so engrossed in each other, enjoying their closeness. The tears had long ago stopped but neither of them showed signs of wanting to separate. They stayed silent for several minutes more, just trying to familiarize themselves once more, looking for the connection that both thought had been destroyed forever. During the time that Alex had been ADA they had rarely permitted themselves the luxury of a hug, both determined to deny themselves that comfort for fear of not being able to maintain the appropriate distance and continue acting as if there was no attraction between them.
Alex was the first one to let go of the tight embrace, Olivia felt Alex take a deep breath before releasing her. The detective let her go despite her instincts screaming at her to no do so. She feared that if she did so Alex would disappear as if everything had been a dream. However, she knew she had to do it. She let her arms drop flaccidly to her sides an immediately buried her hands in her coat pockets, gripping her fists as if trying to keep herself from throwing herself at Alex once again. She didn't dared lift her face, staring intently at the floor as she waited...
Alex took a deep breath once more, and for a split second she felt ashamed of herself for her loss of control at the moment that she had Olivia in front of her. The attorney had always been proud of the strict control she had over her emotions and reactions. After the tragic circumstances that had lead her to be exiled she had felt trapped as if she was in a cage without any control; that had been one of the reasons why she had stayed away from the 16th Precinct and the SVU unit. She needed desperately to regain control before being able to try to reestablish her old life, or at least some of it. Now in front of the owner of all of her dreams and desires she felt once again as if she were falling into an uncontrollable whirlpool that she did not like one bit. Damn it Cabot, control yourself. She chided herself. When she felt herself sufficiently under control to face Olivia, the detective's shoulders were slumped and her head was hanging which caused her to realize how stupid she was behaving. For god's sake, it was only an hour ago that I was regretting my past errors! Don't you ever learn? She reminded herself. You were wishing that she was here with you, and now that she is, you act like a stupid idiot all over again. As if I wasn't in her arms a few moments ago crying. She told herself furiously. Alex Cabot was fed up with herself, of her emotional cowardice; she had lost nine years of opportunities because of her incapacity to express her feelings, the truth that was in her heart. Enough! She told herself "Liv." Her voice was shaky. "Look at me." She begged gently.
Olivia shook her head for a moment, as if she was also confused by her own insecurities and fears. "Liv, please" Alex begged, at this stage what did it matter trying to maintain appearances. Olivia had seen her under worse circumstances. For God's sake, Olivia had saved her life when she tried to stop the flow of blood when they attempted to kill her.
It was ironic that only minutes before their were in each others arms embracing as if their lives depended on it, but now they were acting like fearful strangers even though during that embrace they had without words imparted to each other what had been in their hearts all along. When Alex noticed Olivia's silence, she asked herself if she had heard her. "Olivia, look at me." She begged more firmly and this time the detective seemed to finally take notice that Alex was talking to her.
When their eyes found each other both moaned involuntarily, this time there would be no barriers or walls to overcome. This time their eyes expressed desolation, pain and uncertainty but at the same time hope and love that neither of them dared to express out loud.
"Hey," Was the only thing Liv could think of saying, lost in the depths of the blue eyes that would follow her for years. After a few moments almost immediately she felt like and idiot. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have..." she began to feel bad about coming over on an impulse, if it was about denial, they were both master at it. "It's just..." She lowered her gaze.
"Liv." Alex drew near and cradled Liv's face in her hands, making her look at her, with a shy smile but full of hope that at the same time tried to convey reassurance to Olivia. "You don't have any idea how happy I am to have you here. Please, Liv, I know we have to talk but I want you to know that I am infinitely grateful that you are here."
"I know we have to talk Alex," Olivia seemed to have recovered a bit from her own insecurities when she looked into Alex's eyes. "I think it's a conversation that should have taken place five years ago." She smiled timidly. "That's why I'm here. I..." she began to say but Alex placed a finger over her mouth. At the contact Olivia trembled at the intimacy of the gesture. She looked at Alex questioningly.
Let's get more comfortable," She suggested, "Standing here at the entrance isn't the best. Do you want something to drink?" She asked taking her by the hand as if it was the most natural thing to do, and leading her into the living room. Olivia followed quietly, still in limbo, enjoying the feel of the attorney's warm hand in hers. "I was about to open up a bottle of wine when I got lost." She said ironically.
"Lost?" Olivia asked in confusion. She had followed her for three blocks and she assured herself that she was safe and sound when she entered her apartment building; as a matter of fact she waited outside for an hour watching from across the street.
Alex let loose a chuckle that made Liv feels as if she had butterflies in her stomach, God, she thought to herself. Alex indicated the window that faced Central Park.
"Getting lost is just a saying, in reality since I came back from the program and purchased the Penthouse I like to stand in front of the window and spend hours staring out at the horizon. It makes me feel like I am at home and helps me think.
Olivia was about to ask her what she thought about but hesitated. Alex must have noticed because she added. "In everything Liv, my past, my present...Regret my errors. Everything! I have spent hours and hours looking out at the City searching me.
The detective formed an 'oh' with her mouth, but she agreed in understanding.
"I would love a glass of wine." Accepting and returning to the previous topic once more before continuing with being "lost".
"Great, have a seat." She smiled, she was about to go, returned and moved closer to Liv and took her hand. "It really does make me happy that you are here Liv." She said warmly and kissed her knuckles much to the Detective's total surprise; she blushed slightly when the attorney's lips brushed her fingers. "Let me get the wine." She said happy at Olivia's reaction to her caress.
Olivia remained standing unmoving while watching the attorney's back heading to the kitchen. She shook her head a few moments later trying to clear her head. She kissed my hand? Wow! She looked all around and noticed how the living room was exquisitely decorated, however, in that moment it was what least mattered. She removed her jacket and set it on the back of the sofa before sitting down. Her legs suddenly felt like jello and her hand where Alex lips had rested for a few seconds was still tingling. Her mind still couldn't grasp itself around what was happening. It had been only an hour ago that she had been sitting at a café debating whether what she was about to do was a smart thing or not, but now she was in here with the woman that had been the owner of her heart for nearly a decade and she didn't know how to react.
Alex in the meantime was in the kitchen taking out a bottle of Pinot Grigio and a couple of glasses. Her hands were shaking lightly and she forced herself to relax taking in a few deep breaths.
"It's now or never Cabot." She encouraged herself as she left the kitchen.
As soon as Olivia saw her she stood so she could help her with the bottle.
"Would you like me to open it?" She asked politely taking the cork screw and the bottle.
"Of course" Smiled Alex, as she sat down on the sofa watching the detectives strong hands maneuver the cork screw easily and pour the wine into the two glasses that Alex held. Once she served she set the bottle down on the table and sat down in front of Alex. Neither of the two seemed to want to be the first to begin. Olivia took a sip of wine, enjoying the wine's bouquet.
"Excellent year Alex" Olivia praised a bit tense, looking at her from the corner of her eye.
"Thank you" replied Alex looking at her from the corner of her eye as well. She set the glass down carefully on the table and turned to look at Olivia. "I think we have to talk."
"Yes." Olivia let escape with a shaky breath, the truth was that she was afraid of hearing what the attorney had to say. Over the years she had asked herself a thousand questions that didn't have any answers, or maybe there would have been if she had dared ask. "I think it's a conversation five years in the making. Isn't that so?" She said almost in a whisper that Alex had to try hard to hear.
"If that is how you want to see it. I think it is much more than that." Alex agreed.
"Why Alex?" She looked at her sadly. "Why these three years of silence?" Liv reproached. "I won't accept what you told El. Alex you are the strongest woman I know; I can't believe that the idea of you calling us when you got back was that painful, at least..." She hurried to add when she saw Alex open her mouth to argue. "Not like you made it seem. When you came back for Conner's trial you didn't seem to be resentful. Why Alex?" Liv begged for the truth. It didn't matter how devastating it might be for her, she needed to know the truth.
Alex opened and closed her mouth several times almost as if she was not sure how to explain it, how to make Olivia understand that it weren't them or even Liv to be specific, the real reason was Alex herself. She closed her eyes for a moment and threw her head back and opened her eyes.
"When..." She began but a knot had formed in her throat. She gritted her jaw and continued. "When I came back from the last place that they had reassigned me to I was only a shadow of myself Liv. They had made me change from place to place five times by then since going into the program. The first time before coming back to testify against Conner's I had been almost a year in Wisconsin." Alex's voice became thick; it cost her a lot to talk about those years. She could still feel the loneliness that those memories brought. "Somehow I was beginning to adapt to the life." Olivia eyes widened in surprise, what she could remember of her brief return for the trial, Alex had told her she hated it. "Oh don't take me wrong, I hated it, but I was adapting. I had almost a year as Emily, learning to be a boring, dull woman that she was supposed to be. But I had to do it Liv, I had to.
"I'm really sorry Alex." Olivia could feel her eyes fill with tears when she heard the pain in the attorney's voice. "I'm sorry for what you had to go through. You have no idea how guilty I've felt all these years knowing that if I had been a little quicker, if I had been more observant to what was happening, if I had..."
"Liv, no, no please, do not feel guilty. If anyone is to blame was me, me because I was not able to see what was happening and for not understanding the magnitude of what was about to happen. Liv, Agents Donavan and Hammond wanted to warn us. For God's sake Livia Sandoval was an obvious sign of what those bastards were capable of doing to protect their drug trafficking operation. And I was an arrogant bitch that believed that my position in the District Attorney's office granted me immunity that only God can grant.
"But Alex, you were just doing your job." Olivia tried to justify. "And you were looking for justice for a woman that was just doing hers."
"Liv, my work, her work, Donavan's, all that revolved around the same thing, we three lost our lives. They lost theirs permanently and I lost five years of mine."
"Five?" Liv asked not understanding.
"Yes Olivia, five. After Wisconsin the other year and a half that I spent in the program was hell, more than it already was trying to pretend I wasn't me. The fact that I appeared for Connor's trial put me once again in Velez's sights. It was no longer a question of keeping me quiet Liv; it was a matter of vengeance, pure unadulterated hate. I think Velez was aware that he was about to go down and he had decided on not go down alone. Once the trial was over I was put in a federal SUV and taken immediately to a safe house. I was there for a week before they took me to a town up in the mountains of Colorado. We traveled several hours by car, changing vehicles every eight hours. It took nearly three days to get to where I was going to live. During all that time I had to learn about my new life, my name, my family, education, everything. And suffice it to say that when I arrived at my new destination I was both emotionally and physically exhausted Liv. I spent almost an entire week locked away in the little cabin that they had given me for a house. I had sunk into a deep depression. Liv, you know that when I was in Wisconsin my mother died. They didn't allow me to go to her grave; they didn't allow me to mourn my own mother. I spent my nights crying Liv, but not for my mother, but because I felt so lost, so alien. Suffice it to say that I was at the point of being diagnosed with clinical depression. I was so out of it, totally devastated. Nonetheless, after that week of drowning in my sorrow I made myself move on. I would tell myself constantly that I would not permit that a bastard like Velez should win. I was alive and it was the only thing that was important. However, I had only been there two months when Hammond arrived suddenly and without giving me any time for anything took me to another location.
Alex picked up her glass and too a sip before continuing. "Two agents aside from the DEA's had turned up dead. One of them knew where I was. They were tortured and left to die." A scowl of pain appeared on her face. Olivia only continued to listen to her in silence, even though she only wanted to take Alex in her arms and console her and give her strength "two more deaths under my belt Liv; two agents dead because Velez wanted to know where I was. Once again I was sequestered in a safe house, this time for an entire month. They didn't want to take the chance of putting me out in the open before they were sure I was out of danger. They couldn't give me a new identity to study because they themselves did not know where I was going to be relocated. I spent a month locked up in a house with two agents that would barely bother to talk to me. It was a measure of security, the less they knew about me, the less danger they were in. I was so alone Liv, alone with my own thoughts, with my doubts and fears, everything churning in my head. I was going crazy."
Olivia couldn't restrain herself any longer and took Alex's hand. Holding it firmly between hers she squeezed it, trying to convey in that gesture her strength and love.
"When they finally gave me my new identity they took me to Washington, to a suburb just outside of Seattle. I hated living there; the rain depressed me more than I already was. Once again I had to learn to survive, to continue pretending to be someone I wasn't. After Seattle they took me to Nebraska, then later Ohio and finally Arizona. Each one of those reassignments made me lose a bit more of myself Liv. Finally a moment came where I did not have any idea who the real Alex Cabot was. In the program they keep telling you over and over again that you have to forget, forget who you were. Forget that you were someone in another life, forget you left friends, family and loved ones behind. Forget, Olivia, forget, and at some point I think I did. After changing my name so many times, Emily Joanna, Lucy, Patricia, Renee, Michelle...Alex Cabot got lost somewhere and I could not remember how to get her back."
Alex closed her eyes trying to contain the tears that were now silently running down her cheeks, but it was impossible, it did not matter how much therapy or how many times she analyzed the reasons, she could not get over the pain, the desolation, the impotence, rage and loneliness that would always be there scarring her. She would never be the same and she wanted so much to get it back. She just wanted to close her eyes and open them to discover that it had all been a horrible nightmare. But she already knew what it was to be in a living nightmare and knew that wishes did not come true no matter how much you prayed to God.
The same day that they told me that Velez had been caught and then later had been found dead in prison, just before the trial; was the happiest day of my life and at the same time the worst. Suddenly Hammond was telling me, "Congratulations Alexandra Cabot, you can return to your life." That is if you wanted Alex added to herself. "But to what life Olivia? What was I returning to? Who would be waiting for me? I was alone." Olivia closed her eyes when she heard Alex's words. She wanted to scream at that moment, I was here waiting. "The federal agents had frozen my accounts, my mother's, everything for the day when I would be able to recover my identity and when I finally can I don't know what to do. I was lost, I felt like an empty shell with a tag on my chest; Alexandra Cabot, 33 years, single. But who was I Olivia? Who?"
Alex couldn't stand sitting any longer and got up. Olivia let go of her hand following her with her eyes as Alex paced back and forth.
"I came back to NY and before I knew it I was drowning in meetings and paperwork in order to recover my identity and inheritance. I needed to look for a place to live; I had been staying at the Plaza for two months before I got this place. Suddenly Branch appeared offering me a post as Bureau chief -one that Liz Donnelly got after 15 years in SVU- I had attorneys under my charge that I do not know how they could call themselves attorneys. They were a bunch of idiots and there I was with all the control, but it was just an illusion. I had control over nothing, everyone wanted to meet with me, dinner invitations, parties, everyone wanting something from Alexandra Cabot; the hero that confronted a drug lord as powerful as Velez and came out of it alive to tell the story. I was going crazy Liv, crazy with all that power, with all that influence that I didn't stop to think and I let myself think that I was the one that made my own destiny. That I had finally reached the goals I had always dreamed of. The District Attorney's office even closer than ever, Senator, Governor, and the sky was the limit." She laughed bitterly at herself. Olivia cringed when she heard it, to be witness to what Alex really felt about herself at that time.
Alex once again picked up her glass and drained it; she poured herself another and took another sip before setting it back down on the table. She ran a hand through her hair nervously.
'When things began to settle down, I thought I had all the time in the world, I had thought about going to see you all. I had picked up the phone several times to call but there was always someone calling me away, a case, and a problem, someone needing something. Then I met Robert." She shook her head. "That was a big mistake. He was determined to woo me, for him it was all about status. To be able to say that he had conquered the infamous Alexandra Cabot. I made the mistake of accepting his proposal. I never really thought about marrying him. I thought I had it under control. Idiot!"
"Alex, it's understandable that you were out of control, emotionally." Liv tried to reason with her, trying to understand Alex's actions based on the experiences she'd had under the program. It was normal that she would feel that way after so long pretending not to be who she was. "You were still fragile, didn't you take therapy?"
"Of course I did, it is mandatory once you leave the program, but Olivia, I made myself believe that everything was fine, that my life was following the path that I wanted. I chose the cases that my ADA's would handle; I was the one that had the last word. But that was a lie, I..." she ran her hand over her face ashamed. "The night before the engagement with Robert, I slept with Jim Steele, on the desk in my office. Liv you have no idea how ashamed I felt afterwards. But you know what? That night I went to the apartment where I spent most of my time at with Robert, that evening he asked me to marry him and I accepted.
Olivia felt as if the floor under her feet had disappeared, she had heard the rumors, but she hadn't given them any credit. It was not surprising that there would be rumors about Alex, after all, a woman as important in Manhattan's legal world was not exempt from vicious rumors, but to hear them confirmed from Alex herself was devastating.
"Now do you understand why I did not try to seek you out?" Alex said in a tired voice. "I was only a caricature of myself Olivia. Sometime after the engagement party I awoke alone in my office, I had fallen asleep studying a case. The truth was that I did not want to go to the penthouse where there was nothing there or to Robert's apartment because I knew he would be waiting for me. Jim found me there and asked me what I was doing still in the office. I must have looked like death warmed over. I looked at him disconcertedly and said I was working. "I don't understand you. You would rather be here than with the man you just got engaged to?"
Alex looked into Olivia's eyes and with a shaky voice added. "It was in that moment that I knew that I could not do it, I could not marry Robert. I could not continue doing that job and I did not want to continue lying to myself. I stood and went directly to see Arthur. I told him I was resigning. He refused to accept my resignation although he did permit me to take an extended leave of absence to get my life in order. He told me 'Alexandra, I don't know what is going on in your head at the moment but what I do know is that you didn't get shot for doing your work for nothing. Do whatever it is you have to do, but there will always be a job here for you. I would be an idiot if I let you go.' I thanked him still unsure that it was the right thing to do. I went to Robert's apartment, I packed my things and I left him a letter along with the ring inside. Afterwards I came here and then I packed a suitcase and went to the house that had been in my family for generations at Martha's Vineyard. I did not tell anyone where I was going. I just simply left word that I was going to take a few days vacation and I left."
"What happened with Robert? I don't think he would have just accepted you breaking it off just like that." Liv asked.
"Of course he did not; he searched for me until he found me and turned out at the house at Martha's Vineyard. It was a really bad fight; he accused me of using him, of making him look ridiculous, etc., etc. I let him go on and on, in a way he was right and when he finally finished I told him that I was sorry but that I was not changing my mind. I asked him to forgive me for hurting him and for a moment I thought he would hit me. His face was so red from anger, but then after insulting me he turned away and left."
"Did he hit you?" Olivia jumped to her feet enraged. If he touched you I'll kill him. Olivia thought.
"No, no he did not, I though that he would try, but he did not."
"What did you do after he left?" Olivia managed to calm down, even though she felt her heart beat at a million per hour at the thought that Alex could have been hurt.
"I stayed there for about a month, I would pass the time down at the beach, thinking. I felt so lost, as if I had been sucked up into the middle of a tornado whirling around and crashing into everything. After that I returned to Manhattan and began to go to therapy. Little by little I began to put the pieces of the puzzle of my life back together, I started working in the appeals division. Before I knew it three years had gone by and I never did try to contact you or the others but in all that time I never stopped thinking about you, in what was, in what never could be." Alex confessed and slowly made her way over to Olivia and took her hand before raising her eyes and looking into hers. In Olivia's eyes she could see fear and uncertainty and Alex smiled slightly. "I have something to confess."
"Tell me." Olivia said, feeling her mouth dry.
"In all that time, during those five years there is only one thing that I profoundly regret, something that still today keeps haunting me."
"What?" Olivia asked in a raspy voice.
"I need told you the truth. (maybe you mean: I never told you the truth)"
"The truth?" Olivia apparently didn't know what to say since she kept repeating everything Alex said.
"Yes, the truth, my truth." Alex agreed with a smile.
"What truth Alex?" The detective felt her heart was going to jump out of her chest it sounded so loud to her own ears that she could not hear what Alex was confessing.
"The truth that I have known from the first day that I met you but that I never had the courage to say"
"You met me?" Alex couldn't possibly be saying what I think she is saying, right? Olivia's mind screamed at her.
"Yes Liv, I don't know when, or how, but in all this time I am sure about something, and that is you. What I feel for you." She drew closer still to Olivia, if that were possible. She could feel the warmth coming from the detective's body, warming her own. She could feel her heart beating rapidly and she could feel that her truth was also Olivia's. "I love you Olivia Benson, I have always loved you."
Olivia didn't need to hear anything else; she didn't want to hear anything else. In that moment it didn't matter that Alex had needed 9 years to confess what she felt. It didn't matter that during five years she had lived in eternal agony and full of regrets for not having had the courage to tell the attorney the truth in her own heart. None of that mattered anymore, that was the past. With a sob of happiness and incredulity Olivia threw herself at Alex, hugging her fiercely, capturing her lips in a passionate kiss. Olivia invaded Alex's mouth forcefully, tasting for the first time the honey of her mouth. Alex entwined her hands in Olivia's hair pulling her in closer, deepening the kiss. Their tongues danced in a union of souls. Alex drank of Olivia as if she was dying of thirst in a desolate desert. Their tongues fought to dominate the other, wringing out moans of pleasure all the while Olivia tried to melt into Alex.
When they finally separated their chests rose and fell wildly, both had a huge smile on their faces, their eyes bright with tears of happiness.
"I love you too Alex Cabot, I always have." Olivia confessed in a shaky voice, caressing Alex's face. "I love you Alex, I love you."
Alex laughed and cried, she couldn't believe it, what she had always thought would never come true. "Oh Liv" She embraced her hiding her face against her neck as she had done only a few hours earlier. "I never...I love you so."
Olivia also laughed and cried, but finally after all this time; finally she could embrace Alex knowing that it would not be the end but the beginning. "Alex?" she said after a moment.
"Hmm?" Alex murmured without raising her head.
"Promise me one thing." Olivia asked seriously. So much so that Alex tensed and pulled herself away to look up into her brown eyes with fear. Olivia hurried to reassure her with a smile.
"Whatever you want" Alex agreed.
"Don't ever leave me again." Olivia begged with all the love, anguish and pain she felt expressed on her face.
"Never Liv, never again" Alex promised solemnly. "I love you Olivia Benson, I love you."
Olivia smiled in ecstasy. "Come here." She extended her hand and Alex took it without hesitation.
"Where to?" She asked.
"Does it matter?" She asked with a crooked smile that always drove Alex crazy.
"Not if I am with you."
"You have a bed right?"
"Detective Benson! Just who do you take me for?" Alex exclaimed in feigned outrage.
"Ha, Ha, counselor your mind is in the gutter." She teased.
"Oh, you mean that's not what you meant?" She asked with a pout.
"It's this, and this, and this." Olivia said placing small kisses on her face.
"And this," Alex murmured capturing her mouth hungrily.
"Yes...this and much more Alex" Liv promised "A whole lifetime."
"I do not think that will be enough." Alex breathed.
"Me either but we can start with that, don't you think?" She asked with a smile.
"Yes." Alex followed her without letting go. "Of course we can."
TBC