Part 18
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Barbara paused as if searching for words to continue, not expecting Hel to react she was only ) was only staring back at her in astonishment as if she couldn't comprehend what was really happening. Not when moments before she had been convinced that any chance with the redhead was impossible.
This past two years without you Hel..." Barbara felt a knot form in her throat, she couldn't
speak and her eyes filled with tears. "Breathing was such an agony Helena, to know that each day that I woke up was one more day without you at my side. I was dying Hel."
Helena stepped back as if she had been hit; just the very idea of losing Barbara because of her was too much, without thinking she threw herself at Barbara, hugging her tightly. "Never again Red, I love you. I love you so much." She repeated against her neck. Barbara pushed her slightly away to search for her lips. This time it was a sweet kiss full of love and promises of a future together. It was a binding of souls and hearts destined to be together.
When they separated, Helena leaned her forehead against Barbara's taking in her scent.
"Forgive me Barbara for having deserted you," she begged.
"Hel you don't have to ask me to forgive you, on the contrary..." Barbara denied, surprised that Helena would even insinuate such a thing. "I was the blind one. The one incapable of seeing what you were feeling for me that refused to find out why I was feeling guilty. I knew deep inside that what I felt for you was more than sisterly love but I refused to see it because I felt guilty."
"No Babs, don't you see? It's exactly why I have to ask you for forgiveness." Helena interrupted. "I never really allowed you to see how I felt or even guess at it you can say: I was so frightened about how you would react if you had found out my real feelings for you, the ones I was determined to keep hidden. You couldn't have known Barbara."
"You are wrong about that Hel." She placed a finger on her lips when Helena tried to protest. "Each action, each gesture, every look told me what you felt for me, but I was determined to keep my eyes closed and not see the truth."
"But..." Helena shook her head unbelieving, it couldn't be the way Barbara said, she had always maintained a low profile, hidden her true feelings, her jealously.
How could Barbara say that she had known?"
"Hel, I've known you forever." She said tenderly, guessing her thoughts. "I should have realized before, but the reason I had been blind to your love was because I didn't want to see it. My subconscious always knew. It was the reason why I needed you in my life, your love for me made me happy and helped me thrive emotionally. Nonetheless, the rational part of my mind didn't allow me any solace and kept me from seeing clearly what my heart knew but refused to accept."
"Why didn't you want to accept it Barbara?" She shakily asked afraid of the answer. Perhaps her violent and wild tendencies made her fear her. Perhaps Barbara was afraid of what she might do or that she might hurt her physically.
"Well because I was your guardian for two years Hel" she stated the most obvious reason "and not only that, since you were a kid I was a constant in your life. I was afraid I would be crossing the boundaries between being socially correct and perhaps taking advantage of the situation of caring for you. Hel I'm nine years older than you, that's enough to..." she tried to search for the appropriate word. "I don't know, maybe be accused of cradle robbing!"
"Red," Helena said with a saucy smile. "I must admit that those worries are valid if you had taken advantage of me if I had been an adolescent and when I lived under your roof under aged. Something I admit I would have enjoyed," which only got her a raised eyebrow from Barbara and a mischievous grin from Hel. "But at the time I was full of anger and confusion. I was not in a position to think clearly. "Even so, I have always loved you, I was also conscious that you only saw me like your ward and that you would never see me in any other way back then. You never saw how I would feel jealous of Dick or any other man in your life". When you told me that you would marry Wade Brixton I...it broke my heart and any hope I'd had that one day you would realize that I loved you and that you would feel the same."
"Then you left, I know. Christ I wasn't happy about your leaving. I hated every moment away from you."
I still do she said to herself
. "But if you hadn't done it perhaps I would have been married to him and being miserable with or without you anyway." She smiled sadly. "I don't even want to think about it. It's already been hell living without you, but living knowing that you were there but out of reach and knowing that it was my fault..."
"Can I confess something?" A blushing Helena asked.
"Tell me." She moved her face closer.
"I know that the
what if's don't exist, fuck that!
They don't exist period, but I don't think I would have let you marry him. I don't know what I would have done the night before, but I imagine I would have gotten drunk until I got stupid -even though you know that with my meta genes I would have needed tons of bottles of grey goose- and in that case I would surely have gone looking for you and screamed out what I couldn't tell you while sober. Maybe then...I don't know..." She blushed even more. "I think I would have kissed you Red."
Barbara laughed happily but surprised at the same time.
"Hel I don't know what I would have done, that doesn't sound right. The most likely thing is that I would have looked at you disconcertedly, incredulously, astounded and more than anything else overwhelmed with emotion but even so I wouldn't have known how to react."
"Hmm, and now what?" Helena asked as she moved to only a couple of inches away from her lips, looking into her mesmerizing green eyes, lost in the profound depths which left her breathless.
"Now," She said emphasizing every word with a kiss. "I'm happy." Kiss, "Excited," Kiss, "Delirious, enough to...," her voice was lost in the sensual and passionate kiss when Helena took her mouth with sensual abandon.
Helena felt that her heart would burst out of her chest, the sensations that Barbara evoked in her surpassed any erotic dream or fantasy that she could have dreamt of ever since she had found out what desire was. Each nerve ending, every pore of her skin cried out for the redhead. She felt as if she was drowning from the sheer power of the feelings that assaulted her senses. Without halting the kisses Helena frantically searched with her hands in an effort to feel Barbara's skin, almost tearing off Barbara's blouse in her desperate search for the silken skin and feeling as her desire burned her insides like molten lava.
Barbara was lost in the sensation not even thinking about where they were. She let herself be swept up after so many years of repressed desires and feeling inadequate and only half a woman. Forbidden desires threatened to overwhelm her. She held Helena against her, kissing and nipping, her gasps mixed in with the brunette's who continued fighting with Barbara's blouse in her ardent need to get more contact. Helena hissed in pleasure when her hands finally found Barbara's breasts, they felt heavy, needing to be caressed. Helena pulled away from the redheads lips with an impatient groan then she proceeded to bring her mouth to Barbara's neck, biting and blazing a trail towards her ear.
CLANG!!
Both of them jumped at the loud noise, Helena reacted swiftly with still remembered reflexes. She jumped from her seat and got in front of Barbara, looking all around with feral eyes. Searching for any danger that might hurt the woman she loved. To her right a cat walked out languidly in no hurry.
"Meow" a gray cat had been watching them curiously and hissed at them as they continued to ignore him. Helena glared at it as if she wanted to kill it and the cat must have sensed it because it ran away in terror hissing and meowing all the way.
Barbara started laughing nervously as she re-buttoned the blouse Helena had opened, even as her breath came in short bursts and her heart beat madly. Helena turned slowly, the moment had been broken. She ran her hand through her hair leaving it even more messed up if that were possible. Barbara's hands had taken care of the rest.
"Come on Red, this isn't the place where I want to make love to you for the first time like we were a couple of teens with raging hormones looking for a dark corner. You deserve more than that, 'sides we haven't even been on a first date." She smiled crookedly, looking at her in adoration and extending her hand, which Barbara took without hesitation and got to her feet.
Barbara could feel her legs were weak as she tried to stand and for a moment she almost couldn't. Helena's quick cat like reflexes helped her catch her before she could fall.
"Are you ok?" She fearfully asked. "I...Geez, I forgot..." She began to stutter, fearing the worst.
"Calm down." Barbara held on to her. "It's just that I'm tired, I'm not usually on my feet for so long, remember I have to take it slowly, the nanos do marvels but not miracles." She said calmly.
"Yes, let's go inside, you traveled all day, what was I thinking?" Helena chastised herself.
How could I have forgotten! Helena held her as if she were a delicate porcelain figurine, searching out her eyes to make sure that Barbara really was ok.
Barbara noticed Hel's anxious look and couldn't help but feel her heart swell from happiness before the clear admission of love that the young woman was showing.
How could I have been so blind to not see it! She repeated to herself incredulously. How many times had Helena acted in the same way, always putting her welfare before her own? "I'm fine Hel, just a little tired."
Helena agreed and began walking towards the emergency ladder. "Let's go downstairs, would you like to have some tea, I have a Jacuzzi, how about a hot bath?" She offered courteously.
"A hot bath would be perfect Hel." She agreed. "That and rest for a bit."
"Yes, yes, of course, let's go." She immediately agreed.
Helena offered to go down first to make sure that Barbara got down without any problems, it wasn't a long way down, perhaps about 7 feet, but the young woman didn't want to take any risks. She knew the ladder and the distance from memory so without removing her eyes from the redhead they descended carefully. Once in the window of the apartment Helena helped Barbara down the last few steps and helped her go inside.
"Did you want some tea Red?" Helena offered once again, she knew that Barbara like to drink tea in the evenings,
idiot, she's on eastern time,
It must be almost 3 a.m. for her! "Red, you must be exhausted! I forgot that we are on different time zones, 'sides you traveled most of the day." She looked ashamed.
"Hel." Barbara said softly, her eyes looking for Helena's who had her head down as if she expected to be scolded. "Hel, look at me." Barbara begged as she cupped Helena's face between her hands.
Helena raised her face but tried to hide her eyes behind her hair.
"I'm sorry Red, I forgot that you traveled all day to get here and I've had you up and down since you arrived." She said she was sorry once again only exasperating Barbara further.
"Helena for Pete's sake, you don't have to be sorry for anything! Hel these last few hours have been the most marvelous in my entire life, from the moment that I was able to see you face to face and be by your side, all of the exhaustion, the fear that you might not want to see me, everything Hel, everything was all worth it if it meant being with you. I love you Helena Kyle, don't doubt it for a single moment." She said fiercely.
Helena smiled and hugged Barbara, hiding her face in her neck and taking in her aroma, relishing the power for the first time of being able to hug the woman that she loved more than anything else in the world without feeling tortured by her nearness. "I love you too Red, you're my life."
They remained that way for a moment, enjoying the warmth and closeness, listening to each other breath and for the first time in two years, they felt at peace and whole. Without realizing it they both let out a deep and happy sigh. Helena was the first to pull away, kissing Barbara on the lips softly.
"Come on." Helena said and was about to start walking when she suddenly stopped and turned half way looking at Barbara playfully. "Hel?" Barbara asked.
"I know that you don't like to be carried but..." And before Barbara could react she took her in her arms, carrying her and hugging her closely, the older woman initially surprised put her arms around her neck laughing as Helena began walking towards the guest room.
"It's true Hel, but don't forget one thing." She reminded her.
"Hmm?" she said as she glanced at her for a second before looking in the direction she was headed once again.
"The only person that I ever let carry me was you and only you." She breathed against her neck, leaning her face against Helena's shoulder.
"I know." Helena whispered. "It was a torture and yet a pleasure to be able to do it...the few times that I could...to feel you against me. Christ, how many times did I have to go take a cold shower or..." she was about to say, relief myself in someone else's arms, but she held back just in time.
"I know Helena." Barbara said softly as if she had read her thoughts "I'm not going to deny that I hated thinking or remembering that you were in someone else's arms, but I have to accept it as part of my own purgatory. It was I who unknowingly pushed you in that direction." She added bitterly. "It's in the past."
Helena nodded without saying a word then suddenly stopped in the hallway and looked at Barbara uncertainly. "Red..."
"Hmm?" Without raising her head from Helena's shoulder.
"Do you want me to take you to the guestroom or would you prefer that I take you to mine?" She asked coyly.
"What do you want to do Hel?" Barbara asked in turn.
"You, with me." Helena answered immediately.
"Well then Helena, lead the way."
Helena smiled brightly and headed directly to her room, once in the bathroom she set Barbara down but not before giving her a soft kiss on the lips and purring with delight when they separated.
"I'm going for your bag, I have everything just in case, and the towels are there." She indicated a cabinet next to the shower.
Helena left the bathroom and ran to look for Barbara's bag that had been left in the guestroom. She returned a few minutes later and without thinking opened the door to the bathroom, stopping dead in her tracks when she saw the perfect vision standing in front of her, a nude Barbara.
"Oh fuck." She moaned when she saw her, almost melting onto the floor right there.
Barbara smiled at Helena's reaction. She could feel her eyes running over her body and for just a moment she had been tempted to cover herself, forgetting that if anyone knew her perfectly it was Helena and if anyone had seen her scars it had been Helena.
"Do you see anything you like?" She asked in a silken voice drawing slowly closer to the young woman who continued frozen in place.
Helena nodded affirmatively, drinking in the image of the woman that she loved with total abandon. Barbara drew near pressing her body against the brunette who with a load "thud" released the redheads bag. Wrapping her arms around her waist, she moaned as she took Barbara's lips, kissing her ardently.
Barbara wrapped her arms around Hel's neck without releasing the kiss, several seconds later both abandoned themselves to their need, only separating when the need for air was essential, both were breathing hard.
"Even though I would love to make love to you right now Hel..." Barbara confessed in a husky voice full of desire, "I think we both are too physically and emotionally drained to go much further." She said disappointed.
"I know." Helena sighed; her eyes feral, swallowing with difficulty, trying every way she could to calm her frantic heart. "Besides as I said before we haven't had our first date yet, Red. And you are not just another notch on my belt. I want to treat you like what you are, the woman I love."
Barbara smiled touched by her words. Helena Kyle definitely was a sweet and charming woman, even though Helena would rather die first than admit to it.
"I would love to go on a date with you Hel." She gave her a special smile one that was just for her.
"Tomorrow." Helena promised. "I'll leave you to your bath, I'm going to prepare you a tea." Se gave her a brief kiss and left closing the door behind her. She knew that if she didn't do it, she wouldn't be able to resist.
Fuck, she's so damn hot. She thought as her heart felt as if it would erupt from her chest. Her hands were sweaty and her body shook, so determined had she been to forget Barbara that she had forgotten just how beautiful she was. For her, the scars were only a sign of her courage and only enhanced her physical beauty, but more than that, they only made her a woman full of inner strength.
With a sigh Helena headed for the kitchen to prepare Barbara's favorite tea, it so happened that one day while she was out shopping she came across the brand that Barbara enjoyed and on an impulse purchased it, that had been almost a year ago. The aroma and taste reminded her of the redhead. Who would have known that at that moment she'd be in her apartment preparing her tea.
Fifteen minutes later Helena returned to the room, Barbara was coming out in the brunettes bathrobe and when she saw her she smiled.
"Mmm, it smells like green tea." The redhead commented. "I didn't know you liked it."
"Hmm," Helena blushed lightly tilting her head "not exactly."
She drew closer and handed her the steaming cup. Barbara set the towel she had been using to dry her hair on a chair before taking it.
"How exactly?" She asked intrigued.
"It reminds me of you." Hel confessed "the aroma."
"Oh," Barbara smiled tenderly moving closer to Helena and giving her a gentle kiss on the lips. Kissing Helena was like a drug, there was not another pair of lips as soft and sweet, they were addictive.
"I'm going to take a shower, make yourself at home." She indicated with her hand. "I won't be long."
Barbara nodded and turned towards the bed where Helena had placed her bag. She carefully opened it and took out her pajamas, which consisted of a t-shirt and cotton pants. Once she was dressed she placed her bag on the floor next to the bathroom door and lay down. As she drank her tea calmly she could hear the water running, she closed her eyes relishing in the tranquility that she was finally with Helena.
How many nights, Barbara thought to herself,
how many wondering where you were, what you were doing, suffering your absence, needing your presence. It feels so surreal being here, in her house, knowing that in a few minutes, Helena will be lying here next to me and when I wake up, she'll be in my arms. A tremulous smile appeared on her face,
Christ, could it be? She felt such happiness that she threatened to explode in front of Helena, she almost jumped having forgotten just how silent the young woman was and how she moved silently like a cat.
"Why are you smiling?" Helena asked softly, laying down next to her without removing her eyes from her.
"Because of you." She stroked her face with a shaky hand, "In how happy I am now, in how much I missed you and how incredible it is to finally be at your side like this."
Helena let a sigh of pleasure escape, smiling sweetly, her eyes demonstrating all the love that she felt for Barbara. "I love you," She whispered. "I love you so much Barbara."
"And I love you too Helena, more than words can express."
It's so easy to tell her what I feel; it's so easy to tell her I love you. I would never have believed that it would be so simple she thought in amazement.
Slowly Helena moved nearer, never taking her eyes from Barbara's who just as she felt the brunettes lips caress her own closed her eyes in pure reflex letting a tremulous sigh escape. They kissed softly, savoring each moment it wasn't passionate or urgent, it was a kiss full of love and promise. Their lips locked softly neither of them looking to dominate the other, just a brush of the lips, gentle, just small pecks. At some point Barbara's kiss became more demanding, caressing each inch of her lips with her tongue, begging for entrance. Hel groaned lightly before losing herself in the sensations. She pressed her body against the redheads, molding herself perfectly to her curves. When they finally parted both were breathing heavily and there was desire in their eyes but at the same time a profound love.
Helena and Barbara smiled happily and with a final kiss Helena burrowed against the redhead's body, leaning her head against her chest and an arm around her waist. When they had first started living together, both had been haunted by nightmares and more often than not Helena would seek refuge in Barbara's arms, comforting each other mutually. Given Barbara's condition and forced immobility Helena usually wound up cuddled against the redhead. Both released a sigh as their bodies molded together perfectly as if they had been destined to be together.
"Thank you for giving me the opportunity of being by your side Red." Helena whispered against her neck.
"Oh Hel, I should be the one thanking you." Barbara caressed her head running her fingers through the damp hair. "I love you." She said kissing her forehead.
"'ove you." Helena murmured almost asleep, Barbara's caresses were relaxing her, her scent like an intoxicating tranquilizer, the young woman breathed in the redhead's aroma that was so distinctive.
Her Barbara was the last thought she had before falling into a deep sleep.
Continued...