Dinah
"Can you stop by my apartment after school? I want to give you something."
Helena, calling me for something other than an emergency was odd, but I couldn't find anything different in the tone of her voice although it sounded tense. But then again Helena was always on the aggressive side and cold when she wasn't being arrogant and insufferable.
I agreed immediately, a gift from Helena was always something memorable. It wasn't that she hadn't given me any, but the two she had given me, were more than I had expected from someone that seemed to resent my very presence in the tower and of course in Barbara's life.
After classes Gabby took me to Helena's. While she looked for a place to park I went up to the apartment, I had a key so I let myself in. It might seem incredible that I would have one but after nearly a year as part of the team and the last scare Helena had given Barbara when she picked up some dangerous virus that left her unconscious and delirious for a couple of days without Barbara's knowledge was more than enough reason, so it was mandated that Hel give me a key to her apartment in case of an emergency, now it was normal for Hel to tell me to use it only when she let me.
Nothing and I mean in capital letters, nothing prepared me for what I found in the apartment.
NOTHING
I was met with sepulchral silence that froze my blood. I felt chills run up my spin as soon as I opened the door. In front of my eyes on the table were several boxes and an envelope with my name.
I didn't need to be a touch telepath to know what those boxes or the envelope meant, with a sense of dread I walked the few steps forward and with a shaking hand I opened the envelope. I hadn't realized it, but my eyes had filled with tears even before reading what the letter said. Deep down inside I knew the truth, but I couldn't or didn't want to believe it. The tears and the pain in my heart however knew the truth, she was gone.
Dinah;
I'm sorry...for leaving this way, without saying goodbye, without explanations, but I can't, it's too much for me. I wouldn't have the courage if I waited any longer and I don't have the strength or the courage to stay either. I have been dying inside for a long time and I can't take it anymore.
I can't Dinah, this love is killing me, it's too much, I feel as if I am dying a little more every moment, every hour that passes, I can't stay, I can't! If I do I'll only hurt her, and she can't know. She can't find out that I'm dying for her. It would only hurt her more if she knew and I can't stand the idea of that and each day that I stay by her side I do. If I see her marry him I would only disappear even if I was there and she wouldn't understand it.
I'm leaving a note along with this letter; I know you can't show this to Barbara. It would defeat the purpose of my leaving if you show it to her. Please Dinah, it's the last thing I'll ever ask of you, don't ever tell her the real reason as to why I'm leaving. Please.
I love you Kid, don't doubt it. I know it doesn't seem like that but it's true. I wish things were different, that I could stay at your side to cover your back, to support you, to teach you but I can't and I'm so sorry for that.
Forgive me for leaving this way,
Take care of her for me Kid.
P.S. Give Leonard your key, I told him you would.
With my eyes full of tears, I pressed the letter against me, my body shaking heartfelt. I never heard when Gabby came in; I only felt her arms around me. She didn't know but she intuitively felt what had happened when she saw the boxes and me crying.
"She's gone, she's gone." I cried against her, repeating the words over and over, Gabby didn't say much, only whispered soothing words and never let me go. I'm not sure how much time passed, nor was even aware when Gabby had led me to the sofa without letting me go but when I came to the sun was already setting.
"Please help me take the boxes, I asked Gabby in a rough voice. She agreed without saying a word and picked one up. I took the other, I really didn't need to, I hadn't told her about my powers yet. It took us another trip to load the car with the boxes, Helena's belongings.
When Leonard saw me come in, he knew I had found out that she had left; he hugged me briefly and took the key. He told me not to be a stranger and that I could stop by anytime even if I was still a minor. He knew I was responsible and that I wouldn't ask for alcoholic beverages, besides he knew me, he wouldn't sell it to me anyway.
I'm not sure how Gabby got me home, she helped me take up the boxes and I told her to leave them on the table in front of the TV. I left the note for Barbara on top, I knew she wasn't there; she had gone out with Wade. Wade's mother had wanted to check on the floral arrangements and some other things for the wedding. That they didn't approve their son choice didn't mean that they wouldn't give him the perfect wedding.
Gabby wanted to stay with me a little longer but I refused, I needed to be alone. I needed to cry for Helena and I didn't want to do it in front of her. After some protest she left. Alfred had the night off since Barbara was to be out, Helena supposedly wouldn't be there until midnight and I usually stayed with Gabby, there was no reason for him to be in the tower.
I sat on the sofa, with my knees tightly pressed against my chest as the tears ran nonstop down my cheeks, remembering each moment we had spent sitting on this same couch watching TV, or just watching her watch Barbara, listening with her hyper hearing for the slightest sound that Barbara might make. Always alert to anything she might be doing even through her insolent indifference, Helena was always aware of her, taking care of her, protecting her, loving her.
I'm not sure how much time passed, I don't even know if I even noticed when Barbara arrived, but I did hear her laugh at something Wade said.
Stupid Wade, I thought with hate when I recognized his voice. Ever since Barbara had accepted his marriage proposal everything had started falling apart bit by bit. Even though Barbara had not yet told him the truth about the Tower I knew it was a matter of time meanwhile the camouflage had been put up for when he had to come in. I couldn't help but hate him.
Damn you Wade Brixton.
Barbara must have noticed me curled up on the sofa, I could hear her coming closer, but I didn't dare look up at her. I didn't dare let her see my pain or my anger and fury aimed at her and Wade. I didn't want to hurt her just as she was hurting me without being aware of it, the way she had destroyed Helena.
"Dinah, is something wrong?" She asked in a worried tone but she couldn't see my expression, she moved closer, Wade was behind her looking at me, I could feel it. I didn't want to raise my eyes; I didn't want to see her. But she got close to me and lifted my face in her hands, she gasped in surprise when she saw my red swollen eyes and the tears that continued to fall and I was unable to stop them "Dinah." Her worried voice insisted, "Dinah!"
But I couldn't talk; I couldn't find my voice only a wounded sound escaped my mouth. Barbara didn't understand what was going on, but she immediately took control over the situation. Without turning towards Wade she politely asked him to leave. Wade seemed reluctant to do so but Barbara wouldn't allow it. She bade him good night and told him she would call him in the morning. I noticed Wade's hesitation, knowing that he did not want to leave but Barbara's body language and forceful tone didn't allow for another option. He murmured good night but not before getting near Barbara and kissing her on the cheek and not on the lips.
When we were alone Barbara got closer to me, she transferred on to the sofa and hugged me, making comforting sounds, asking me to tell her what had happened.
I cried for a long time in her arms, finally, in a rough voice and barely audible I murmured into her neck. "She is gone Barbara, she's gone, she's gone."
Barbara at first didn't understand what I was trying to say, my voice was only a cut-off whisper.
"Gone? Who's gone? Dinah for Gods sake, tell me what is going on." Her voice broke, her body was as tense as a violin, and I could feel the waves of panic radiate from her, sensing something, something which she didn't dare formulate in her mind. But I could feel it, the dread pouring out of her.
"Letter..." I pointed without much strength at the envelope on top of the boxes, surprised when she didn't notice the letter in the first place.
Barbara saw the letter and stretched out to get it; with shaking fingers she opened the envelope. I knew the moment that she read the three brief sentences Helena had written to her.
Goodbye,
Be happy Barbara.
Take care of Dinah, she needs you.
HK
Barbara gasped, for a moment she stopped breathing, she read the lines several times and finally let the page fall to the floor. I could barely see her; I had a horrible headache from so much crying.
"When?" Barbara asked with contained urgency "Were the boxes here when you arrived? Tell me Dinah!" She insisted, Barbara needed responses and she wanted them now. I knew that when I told her the truth she would not believe me, after all why wait until now to tell her, to warn her so she could try to do something about it.
"Helena" I said with a scratchy voice. "She called me at school, early, she asked me to stop by her apartment after I got out because she had something to give me. When I got there the apartment was empty. The only things there were those boxes on the table and the letter."
"What time was that?" She turned her head abruptly, drilling me with her eyes.
"After three" I confessed turning red, even with my anger towards her she could still make me feel nervous.
"Why didn't you call me?" She demanded incredulously "Why did you wait until now to tell me, Dinah for God's sake." She ran her fingers through her hair without taking her accusing eyes from me. "We've wasted valuable time not looking for her; the more time passes the colder is her trail."
I couldn't take it any longer, her cold analytical voice, as if we were just talking about some escaping criminal instead of Helena; Helena that didn't have any other choice but to leave just so she could survive; Helena who was dying from sadness and pain. I stood moving away from her.
"Didn't you read what the letter said Barbara? BE HAPPY! Helena is gone! You think that she is going to want you to find her? You think that she's going to leave a trail? SHE'S GONE! For God's sake Barbara, if Helena doesn't want to be found she won't be. I don't know what happened between you two this morning, I don't know what you told her, for her to want to go running out of here, I only know that she's left" I yelled at her, how could she! How she dare be angry at me! When is her fault that everything is falling apart!
Barbara only stared at me with cold eyes and tense jaw. When I jumped from the sofa she transferred again to her chair trying to be near me, she wheeled slowly towards the boxes and opened them. She already knew that Helen didn't have a lot of clothes in her apartment and only a few personal things -A picture of the three of them, one of her mother and a Van Gogh painting that her mother had loved -everything else was here in her room at the Tower. Perhaps Helena hadn't lived at the Tower officially for over two years but that didn't mean that she didn't live there unofficially. So Barbara had left the room as is since the Tower would always be home to Hel.
Once again I heard her gasp in surprise. In the first box was her favorite Huntress leather pants, her coat, her comm set, and underneath the picture of us and her mother's painting. She had taken her mother's picture but not ours. That was a clear message, it was a final goodbye... she had cut the apron strings.
In the other boxes were several leather pants, a few tops and shoes. I knew that when Helena had told me she had left me a gift she was referring to her clothes. Helena was so possessive and territorial with her things that when I managed to get her to lend me something was an astronomical triumph, and now she was leaving me everything. But I didn't want her clothes I wanted Helena back. I wanted to see her arrogant smile, I wanted to hear her call me 'kid' even though she knew I hated it. I wanted Helena in our lives, damn it! I hated myself for wanting her with me because I knew she hadn't left without a valid reason.
I knew deep inside that she had been dying slowly, that seeing Barbara with the stupid Wade was destroying her slowly. And I hated Barbara for being so stupid, for not being able to see the deep and pure love that Helena had for her. At the same time I felt pain, pain for my now broken family, pain because deep inside I knew that those two didn't know how to be happy without the other. And although I knew the reasons why Helena had left, I didn't know how she would survive without her.
Barbara looked up and asked me with a bitter voice if the clothes were the gift Helena had intended to leave me as a gift.
"I suppose that's what she was talking about." I replied in a strained whisper. Once again the tears threatened to spill over.
"Then take it, put the painting in her room. I'll put away the comm set." She said without showing any emotion in her voice, I felt a shiver run down my spine.
I looked into her eyes, trying to convey something, wanting to scream. Like what? I don't know, just anything. Barbara was taking the situation so coldly, her eyes calculating and without emotion. Except for the first few minutes Barbara had shut her emotions down. I knew there was nothing else to say, I nodded and with my telekinetic powers took the boxes to Helena's room. I hung up her clothes and put away her shoes carefully as if she had only gone away on vacation. Her clothes would be waiting for her upon her return even though inside me I knew that was not the case.
Helena wouldn't be returning and we needed to learn to live without her.
****
After I left Helena's room half an hour later, I to the kitchen for a glass of water; shedding tears like crazy makes you damn thirsty and I saw Barbara sitting at Delphi with several windows open in the Delphi monitors. It was apparent that they were images from security cameras from various places like the airport, the bus station, the train station. She even had the one for the Dark Horse which she'd had installed for security purposes after the incident with Harley Quinn aka Harleen Quinzel, the psychiatrist that Helena had been forced to see by court order.
Fortunately, Barbara had discovered her true identity as the queen of crime of New Gotham's underworld, from a picture captured from a security camera after an assault to a jewelry that we had managed to prevent. That's why Barbara had known about her double identity which luckily for us was discovered just when Helena had begun to confide in her. She was after all her psychiatrist and Helena had been about to reveal to her things that would have brought down Birds of Prey. Helena had been going through her worst moment of depression. Barbara had just announced her engagement to Wade and Helena was feeling very vulnerable an easy prey no pun intended.
Thanks to Barbara who had managed to discover it in time to set Quinn's downfall that hadn't been the case; I didn't want to imagine what could've happened if Helena had fallen under Quinn's spell. Somehow Helena managed to pretend that she had fallen under Dr. Quinzel's hypnotization and had made her think that she was under her command in order to set the trap and send her to Arkham. That had been about a week ago, something serious must have happened that upset Barbara that eventually caused the fight between them later which caused Helena to think about leaving. Barbara never told me what it was about and I didn't see Helena again after that.
I moved close to Barbara and dared to ask if there was a sign of Helena.
"No, I can't find her anywhere. She didn't use her passport or credit card. She didn't buy tickets in her name, nothing."
I nodded and said goodnight, there was nothing else I could do, not without betraying Helena's trust and I knew that Barbara wouldn't send me out on patrol since I was too emotionally upset to be able to concentrate on work and not watch out for danger. I knew that I was capable enough to do the rounds by myself but I didn't have enough experience in the field to take charge of the city all alone, I wasn't Huntress. I didn't know what we were going to do but I knew Barbara would probably think of something. She took her role as vigilante protector of New Gotham very seriously to let too much time pass without knowing how to proceed.
I know that Barbara didn't sleep that night; she sat in front of Delphi looking over and over again for any possible clue that might indicate what route Helena had taken. But I knew that she wouldn't find anything, nothing. Helena was an expert at disappearing, in becoming invisible. The only one that was capable of sensing her presence was Barbara herself, she always knew when Helen was nearby, even if she were hidden but that ability didn't help when she was miles away. Many miles way, ones that I was sure would be thousands if I knew Helena at all. She knew Helena would put plenty of distance between herself and Barbara otherwise the temptation to come back would be too great. Barbara was for Helena like a drug, a cure, a blessing or curse, and the only way to survive that addiction was to cut it out once and for all...forever.
When Alfred came back on Saturday morning I was already in the kitchen. I had slept little to nothing and my mind couldn't stop thinking about Helena and all we had lived through together. Everything was a tangle of feelings, a part of me resented Helena, Barbara and Wade, and another part of me was the scared little girl whose mother left behind back in Opal six years ago and could not stop crying for her big sister.
I gave him the news. Alfred much like any other English butler is cold and very proper but when he found out that Helena had left, I could clearly see the surprise not only in his features but also a very evident sadness and desolation. It seemed as if all of his bosses were abandoning him, first Bruce's parents, then Bruce and now Helena although to Hel he was a friend, never ever her butler, however, he continued taking care of us, even from a distance. I was sure that even if he didn't know where Helena was, surely he would have communicated with Bruce Wayne to let him know that Helena had disappeared without a trace from New Gotham the same as he had done five years earlier.
It seemed it was a curse of the Wayne family; she couldn't help but ask herself if they were really as courageous and untamed or were they actually emotional cowards that couldn't confront the pain and loss in order to move forward.
If you ask me I wouldn't say they are cowards, when they are capable of dying for strangers, to give up their lives for the fight for good at the cost of their own lives. The way I see it, the problem with the Wayne's is that they can only love one way and that is with total passion, giving of themselves completely, without reservation. When a Wayne gives its heart it was forever. The problem was that love and happiness for the Wayne's wasn't exactly something given out of hand.
I didn't know much about the love/hate relationship that Bruce Wayne had with Selina Kyle, but it was obvious that their alto egos couldn't love each other. Batman was black and white, justice and good were the paragon's of his life while Catwoman was a thief that did what she did out of pleasure of breaking the rules. She did it for the adrenaline rush that she got from fooling the legal system. Catwoman wasn't a thief that robbed out of necessity, she did it for enjoyment. As Selina Kyle she was a successful woman, a recognized and respected art dealer with her own gallery and contacts all over the world. But the love that was between Bruce and Selina was not enough for Batman and Catwoman to coexist together.
I knew from the moment that Selina had gotten pregnant, she would disappear from Bruce and Batman's lives without letting him know that he was expecting a daughter. She left old Gotham and nothing was heard from her or Catwoman until Helena turned twelve and she returned to what was now New Gotham. Selina never became Catwoman again, but the fact that she left her alter ego behind didn't stop Batman's enemies from finding out about her return, but more than anything else, that Joker found out that Selina Kyle was someone very important in Bruce Wayne's aka Batman's life and therefore important to his Arch nemesis who would kill her to make Batman suffer. Fortunately no one knew that Selina's daughter was also Bruce Wayne's. Perhaps if he had known it might not have been Selina who was killed, but Helena instead. That secret had saved Helena, her greatest treasure. Her own life was a price she had gladly paid for Helena's salvation even though this turned out to be too high price to pay for her daughter, and even the tortured soul of Bruce Wayne. The aftermath was collateral damage. Helena was alive...safe.
Perhaps Selina herself knew that Helena was a perfect mix of both of them and knew that Helena would survive her death. Helena had the same metahuman characteristics of her mother and other that she hadn't possessed plus her disregard for the rules and conventional life; the class and elegance, the animal magnetism and the charm she exuded were pure Selina's; added at the fierce loyalty, the dark humor, passion and sense of justice that she inherited from her father, moreover that part that was pure rage and fury that could consume anyone whether it was for good or bad and that had been an integral part of Bruce. But he had managed to control that dark side in himself by fighting for justice. Helena like him had managed to control that part of herself for the same reasons as her father but most importantly for Barbara. Unlike Bruce, who had grown up alone with only Alfred as mentor; her mother nurturing presence until the age of 16, along with Barbara's at such a young age in Helena's life was the critical point to determine her path in the sinister future; passion and love, feelings so powerful that Helena managed to reign that darkness within her, just for Barbara.
Sometimes being a touch telepath wasn't so cool, I knew too damn much. It wasn't intentional, but I knew nonetheless, maybe that was the reason Hel trusted in me, I knew...
I couldn't help but ask myself what would have happened to Helena without Barbara, just the thought made me shiver; it was so hard to try to imagine those two being apart. I couldn't! How the hell were they going to make it?
That weekend was very dark and somber in the tower; Barbara barely left Delphi's side, obsessively looking for traces that would lead to Helena's whereabouts. But until now nothing had come to light, it was as if she had been swallowed by the earth, abducted by Aliens, whatever, she's gone.
A part of me thought that perhaps Helena would return after awhile, that her great need for Barbara, her desire to be close to her would one day bring her to come back through that balcony with an arrogant smile and announce nonchalant that she was back from the little vacation she had taken to clear her head as if nothing had happened. I could imagine Barbara scolding her for being so inconsiderate, for just disappearing like that. Helena would act contrite and would ask Barbara for forgiveness and everything would go back to normal. But I knew that I was just fooling myself. Perhaps if Wade wasn't in the picture maybe Helena would return after calming down no matter what Barbara's and Helena's differences were. Nevertheless, the reality was that Wade was real and that he wouldn't be disappearing from the picture and that was the point. The reason for her departure, Wade existed and ergo Helena couldn't coexist with him in the same way that her parents couldn't be happy because Batman and Catwoman were real.
This is such a fucking mess! I miss you Hel, I miss you so much, but nothing compares to what Barbara is feeling right now, I know...
Continued...