Part 6
San Francisco, CA.
Two months earlier...
Dinah walked through the streets distractedly, when she turned her head and saw a painting, being exhibited in the window display of a gallery that made her stop. She went into the gallery full of curiosity. She wasn't much for art and such things, but for some reason the paintings that she had been able to see from outside of the gallery caught her attention. They reminded her of New Gotham. After Gabby had left that morning, she recalled having read something in the morning paper as she ate breakfast about the artist that was all the rage in the California art world, and seeing as she was now standing in front of the same gallery she decided to go in and take a look.
As she walked through the exhibit, she couldn't help but notice that there was something in the paintings, which reminded her of home. She couldn't explain it but she could feel it. Suddenly as she turned, she came to a dead stop. In front of her there was a painting that left her stunned. "Barbara!" she gasped not believing what she saw.
It was Barbara! Shaking she drew closer and studied the painting. There in the corner was the signature, HK, nothing else, just the initials, but she didn't need to see anything else. Dinah knew perfectly well, what those initials meant, Helena Kyle.
Her whole body shook from the emotion, now she understood why she felt that strange connection with the paintings in the exhibit. Barbara stared back at her from the painting proudly, beautiful. She recognized the tower; she recognized the background, those fathomless eyes that stared back at her, Barbara's. She wasn't sure how long she spent staring at the painting, but at some point she snapped out of her trance and began to study the rest of the paintings, her gut instinct was sure, every one of them had a bold HK in the corner.
These are all by Helena! She thought in astonishment, she would never have imagined Helena had so much talent. The paintings were impressive. She retraced her steps through the exhibit trying to convince herself that what was in front of her was none other than works by Helena, it was incredible. She must have spent more time than normal at the gallery because soon enough an older woman with a warm smile approached.
"Impressive don't you think? The artist is very talented."
"More than you can imagine." Dinah said distractedly. Kate who had been the one to approach her seemed a bit disconcerted by the words Dinah had murmured without even realizing it. It was almost as if she knew whom she was talking about; worried Kate asked her a few more questions.
"Excuse me, but I noticed that you've been admiring the paintings for well over an hour. Is there one that interests you in particular? They are a bit expensive but the artist is worth it. An original HK is a great investment." Kate observed that Dinah's clothes were of good quality and she had an air of self-confidence, typical of people with money. True she looked very young, but one never knew.
"They are all impressive, but there is one that caught my attention, it's the one "Untitled" Dinah said, still a little stunned by the discovery.
"Oh, it's beautiful, unfortunately it's part of the artist's private collection, she only loaned it out for the exhibit. It isn't for sale."
"I'd like to speak to the artist, is that possible?" Dinah asked looking into Kate's eyes. It was taking everything she had to control the urge to grab the woman and take the answers from her head. She knew she could do it, but it would be a violation of Helena's trust, even though she was dying to know she had to respect her wishes.
"I'm sorry, the artist guards her privacy very carefully, and she doesn't like interviews or wants anyone to know her identity."
"I need to talk to her, it's important. It's about the painting." Dinah insisted.
"I'm sorry." Kate said, nervously, there was something in the young blonde's eyes that made her feel that way.
"I understand your position, Ms?" She paused, waiting for the woman to give her name.
"Spencer, Kate Spencer, I'm the gallery owner."
"Mrs. Spencer, it's very important that I speak with the artist, please."
"I repeat the artist doesn't do interviews and is not planning on selling this particular painting."
Dinah was desperate; she had to talk to Helena. She had to tell her about Barbara. She needed to know. Destiny had brought her to San Francisco and not just by coincidence. Nothing in this life was.
"Mrs. Spencer, I understand what you are saying, believe me I do, but I NEED," she said emphatically", to talk to her, I need to speak with Hel, please, I beg you."
Kate stared at her dumbfounded; it was obvious that this young woman knew Hel, that not only did she recognize the painting, but also that it was her exhibit.
"I'm sorry Miss..." this time it was Kate's turn to ask for her name.
"Dinah, Dinah Lance."
"Miss Lance, please understand, I can't give you the information on the artist, I am not authorized to do so." Dinah noticed the omission of Helena's name.
"And I repeat I need to speak with her, please." She didn't care if she begged; for God's sake, it was Helena.
"I'm sorry, I can't help you." She refused regretfully. The simple fact that the young woman knew Hel's identity told her what she needed to know.
Dinah breathed deeply, the temptation to touch Kate was great, but she had to control herself. Aware that she wasn't about to get any information that day, she accepted the gallery owners silence respectfully.
"I will leave for the moment Mrs. Spencer, but I beg you please tell Hel that I was here. Tell her that I need to talk to her. I'll be at the Grand Hyatt for two more days, Room 2345. I'll be waiting for her phone call. I beg you Mrs. Spencer, she's my sister, and I need to speak with her." She added knowing that the woman would tell Helena everything.
As soon as Dinah left the gallery, she began to cry, it didn't matter that anyone saw her, she had found Helena. Well not technically, but she had a good idea where she was and that was what mattered. She waved down a taxi and headed for the hotel. She needed to be alone to think and wait for Helena's call. She knew deep inside that she would. She just knew it the question was when.
She returned to the hotel and ran to her room, she couldn't stop thinking of Helena, and she didn't know what to do, should she call Barbara? What?! She paced up and down in her room like a caged lioness. Just the idea of knowing that those paintings were Helena's, that she was somewhere here in San Francisco, after two years, two overwhelming years of not knowing anything about her. The need to let Barbara know that she had found her by coincidence was so tempting, but she knew that she couldn't do it; she couldn't unless Helena allowed her too, but not before speaking with her.
"Please, please Hel call me. Let me hear from you!" She begged to herself turning towards the phone from time to time. There were still two hours before Gabby returned, but she would tell her. She would guess that something had happened immediately. Oh God!!!
As soon as Kate saw Dinah get into the taxi, she ran to the phone and called Helena on her cell, she wasn't sure if she was at home, but she had mentioned she would be going out to buy some paints.
"Hi, Kate, why don't you come up?" Helena responded playfully and in a good mood.
"Something happened this morning." She answered anxiously.
"What?" she immediately tensed.
"Someone recognized the portrait." Kate confessed regretfully.
"WHAT!!" Yelled Helena. "That's impossible!"
"It's true Helena, someone just left, she insisted on talking to you, time and time again. I repeatedly told her that I couldn't give her any information about you, but she insisted in seeing you. She begged me to tell you."
"Who?" Helena was shaking inside, just what she never wanted to happen, what she never thought would happen, someone had recognized Barbara's portrait.
"Dinah Lance, she said she was your sister, oh Hel, you should have seen her, she was trembling and stunned by the portrait. She almost cried in front of me, begging for information about your whereabouts."
Helena closed her eyes at hearing Dinah's name, somehow she felt relieved, Dinah, she wouldn't say anything unless she allowed her to, but was she ready for that?
"Did she touch you?" Helena asked apprehensively.
"No, no she didn't, although twice she was at the point of doing so, but she didn't." Although confused by the question she didn't ask what she meant.
"Don't let her touch you if she returns. What did she say?" Helena insisted.
"She's staying at the Hyatt, room 2345, she'll be there two more days, just that. But she was very insistent that I pass on the information and to tell you that she wants to see you."
"I see, Kate, please remove the portrait from the exhibit and bring it to my apartment tonight." Her voice sounded distant.
"Alright I'll do it little one, I'm sorry, I should never have insisted that you display it." Kate said in defeat.
"It doesn't matter, just remove it please." She exhaled in resignation.
"Yes, I'll take it to you later." Kate sighed, she knew the reasons why Helena had been reluctant to display the portrait, now she understood that her reservations had been justified, but too late, she had found out that it had been an error to pressure Helena to do so. Someone had recognized the portrait.
"Thank you." Helena hung up without saying anything else.
Kate hung up the phone and shook her head worriedly. Her insistence on showing Hel's works had placed her in a difficult situation, she had known her history, she knew that she must keep a low profile; she was more than aware that Hel was just learning to live without the love of her life, and now this. Feeling guilty, she hurriedly removed the portrait and put it in her office; she didn't want any more surprises.
Helena squeezed her hand so hard that her knuckles turned white, her body shook from pure adrenalin. Dinah had found her, suddenly all the tranquility that she found during those two years of self-exile, were abruptly gone before her eyes. She didn't know what to do to stop the wave of painful memories that were now assaulting her.
For several nights, she had stayed awake afraid of the nightmares that kept following her. In her dreams, she lost Barbara every time, either because she didn't arrive in time to save her from Harley Quinzel or the Joker. However, the one that kept repeating itself was the one where Barbara married Wade, she was happy and smiling in his arms, and she asks Helena to leave her alone because her mere presence will make her unhappy.
During those first few weeks in San Francisco Helena roamed the rooftops of the city looking for an escape from her pain, trying to exhaust herself to the point that she could forget for a moment the love she had for the redhead. Night after night, she cried whispering Barbara's name with only the darkness as her companion, until one day she just couldn't do it any longer and she decided to bury all her memories of Barbara until the pain was tolerable.
She buried herself in her studies, her work; new activities that she had always wanted to do but had never had time for. She quickly advanced in her studies and came to a point where she had to put brush to canvas. Helena began to pour all her painful and passionate feelings onto the canvas. Images of torment, sadness and solitude, images that while still dark had a hint of overwhelming hope, a declaration of her determination to survive.
It was these paintings that Kate saw and encouraged her to try to convince Helena repeatedly to let her exhibit the paintings until Helena gave in. The fact that the exhibit was a great success or that they would be in such demand took Helena by surprise, she never imagined they would be so well received. The day after the inauguration, various art critics that had been invited by Kate praised the artists way of expressing such naked emotions on canvas and despite many questions as to who the mysterious HK could be Kate never revealed her identity or that the artist was a woman. All the critics therefore had to give their praise in the third person and declare a new and talented artist with the initials HK to the San Francisco art scene.
Helena was grateful to Kate for having faith in her work, without knowing it she had given her a reason to live. She began to use the canvas as an outlet to rid her soul of the memories of her broken heart. Kate refused to have her as an assistant any longer instead; she encouraged her to paint full time so she could continue to create her impressive paintings. She had found the reason to pull herself out of her self-imposed exile. She began to travel to fill her heart with new memories and hopes. Painting had made her feel alive again something she never would have imagined, she never thought she would be able to be someone normal again, someone more than just Huntress so full of hate and resentment for the murder of her mother. She had left that young dark woman behind, the one that was dangerous and full of violence. In her place Helena Kyle had been reborn, the young woman that her mother had dreamed she would one day become.
Who would have imagined she would be walking through the streets of rural Mexico, wearing cargo pants and a cotton t-shirt and carrying a backpack, enjoying the walk through the colonial city streets, so far away from the New Gotham where she always looked like she had just come off of a Parisian runway. This Helena felt comfortable with herself, it wasn't that she had opted for the bohemian way of life, when in the city, she still dressed with style, but now she didn't need to hide behind the arrogant and insolent image of the young. She was no longer the Huntress that did sweeps on the streets of New Gotham looking for criminals to exorcise her demons and to take out her barely controlled anger. In her place was a woman that was mature and centered, that was charming, sensual, and sure of herself but at the same time was finally, at peace.
However, a part of her knew that everything was just an illusion, just a pretense that she had found peace. It wasn't that the peace was a lie, on the contrary but that peace had been created on unstable ground, Helena Kyle had a past, and she was running from that past. Moreover, the truth and the demons that we are determined to avoid and hide away from but which eventually come to light to remind us that not everything is what we believe it is.
Wanting to get rid of the anxious energy that was causing her to quiver, Helena headed to her training room and began to work on the punching bag. For more than an hour the young woman attacked the bag with mortal precision, graceful but lethal. Just because Helena had left her old life behind did not mean she should stop training, that was something that she couldn't deny herself, whether she wanted to or not, Helena was the Huntress and she would be forever whether she wanted to admit it or not.
Much later, she showered and dressed in a pair of old jeans that were torn and a t-shirt she used to paint; she sat in front of a canvas and began to paint, searching to clear her mind in her art. When she painted, she would go into a type of trance, her mind would clear, and she would be able to balance her tumultuous thoughts. It was in this place that she permitted herself to feel and to analyze the situation from a cold but not passionless perspective. She needed that more than ever.
****
Kate opened with her key, she knew that Helena would be inside, but she knew that when Helena listened to Evanescence it was because she was painting and she probably wouldn't hear her knock. However, what Kate didn't know was that Helena had super sensitive hearing that permitted her to hear everything clearly and even though she didn't indicate that she knew Kate was there she did.
"Hel, I brought you dinner." Kate said loudly, alerting her to her presence.
"Just set it down on the kitchen counter, I'll be there in a moment Kate." Helena answered from the interior of the studio.
Kate noticed that the young woman's voice sounded emotionless, it didn't give her any hint of how she might be feeling now. She felt her cold and distant. She busied herself taking out the food from the bags and setting out two place settings. When Helena came in, she was wiping her hands on an old oil stained rag.
Kate raised her gaze and smiled timidly. "I put the painting against the wall in the entryway."
"Ok, that's fine." Helena smiled neutrally, taking a seat to eat, leaving it clear that anything that there was to discuss would be done after dinner and not before. Kate respected her wishes and they both ate in silence, the older woman because she wasn't sure of what would happen now and Helena because she had her mind a thousand miles away from there, in New Gotham to be exact.
When they had finished eating Helena began to pick up the dishes in silence then went and sat in the living room, followed by Kate, who was looking at her regretfully, she couldn't stop feeling guilty for the reason that her protégé was feeling so distressful.
"Over the last two years..." Helena began to say in a distant voice, "Have served me to reconcile me with myself, after my mother was murdered I become a person full of resentment and anger. I'm no longer that person; I don't know if getting away from Barbara was the right decision, I don't know because even now I still love her, just as much as the first time, if not more than before.
"What are you going to do?" Kate asked tentatively.
"I trust Dinah, I know that she won't say anything unless I give her permission to do so," Helena added with incredulity "it was a complete shock that she appeared in the gallery, which must be a total coincidence," she rubbed her forehead "she would otherwise have tried to contact me immediately since the moment she arrived in San Francisco. She will respect my decision whatever that is, that she didn't touch you is proof of that."
"Are you going to see her?" Kate asked, wondering what Hel meant with that statement. What could possibly be so important, that Hel keep saying that? What could "touching", mean exactly? Nevertheless, she also knew that there were some secrets in Helena's past that she wasn't allowed to know.
"I don't know. I don't know if I'm ready to listen, nor if I want to see her, I had resigned myself to the idea of never seeing them again."
"Don't you think that this was fated? One more day and she would not have seen the painting, if the fates wanted it this way; perhaps it is time to confront your past." Kate tried to offer her some advice.
"I don't believe in fate, but I do know that everything happens for a reason." She said with finality.
She sighed and walked toward the window. Kate felt that it was time to depart and leave the girl with her tormented thoughts; she needed to be alone and reflect. In the two years that she had known Hel she had never seen her so bewildered, lost. Not even those first few months; then she looked sad even desolate, but now she felt her confused, knowing that this girl Dinah had seen the painting and somehow she knew where she was had her completely off balance.
"Well, I'm going now, think about it Hel." she stood up, gave her a kiss on the forehead and she left, the young woman barely realized that she was gone.
Once completely alone, Helena climbed up to the roof, despite the fact that the city lights and pollution darkened the sky; her meta-human eyes enabled her to distinguish beyond what a normal human being could. It helped that the night had a full moon, reminding her of the nights that she spent in the clock tower overlooking the sky. It was her favorite place, sitting next to the gargoyles, admiring the night, just thinking. She felt close to Barbara being up here, close to her but at the same time so far away. How many nights had she spent watching her from that spot? how many nights had she said that she was going home but always stayed there, hiding, watching her, protecting her, waiting for her to decide to go to bed.
Until Wade Brixton's arrival into Barbara's life had destroyed every illusion she had. Barbara no longer spent all her nights in front of Delphi, in order to be with him, leaving her alone without even realizing it and then she no longer had a place to go. At the beginning she tried to find solace in the bars or clubs, dancing and drinking all night long and having meaningless one night stands, anything in order to get rid of her pain, to exorcise Barbara out of her heart, her body and soul, but after a couple of months in the same pattern, she stopped. Every woman she had sex with was only a pale and empty imitation of what she truly wanted and loved.
So, as the months passed the pain of knowing that she was losing Barbara forever continued to grow until it was unbearable, causing her temper to flare and ignite. She would pick fights with Barbara over nothing. Her concentration completely lost, and in the end, it was the same lack of concentration that made everything blow up in her face. The fights between Barbara and her became increasingly more angry and bitter and as time passed Helena felt unable to be next to Barbara. Unable to pretend that she was happy for her, feeling guilty at the same time for fostering such ill feelings towards the woman she loved. She was supposed to be happy because Barbara was spending some time away from Delphi, having a life. However, how to do that when her own heart is breaking in a thousand of pieces? How? If you feel that your soul has been torn away from your body, you feel so empty and lost that to wake up every morning is such an agony knowing that she is in his arms.
There were times when the pain and anger were so strong that Helena felt like screaming and telling Barbara, what she really felt, to make her see her not as her protégé or as a younger sister or even a friend, but as a woman full of passion and desires. There was a time when she came very close to doing so.
Barbara was typing some codes in Delphi, looking for a pattern to catch a serial killer that was killing prostitutes in the streets of New Gotham, that night she was going to go out with Wade, she had gotten ready and looked breathtaking. Helena could not remove her eyes from her. Her blouse was black and hugged her body the neckline wrapped closely around her neck but had no sleeves and left her shoulders bare, accentuating Barbara's natural beauty. Not even the fact that she was in a wheelchair could take away from that. Barbara Gordon was a stunning woman. So lost was in her appreciation of the redhead that Helena didn't realized when she turned around to face her in wonder, with that smile that always managed to deprive Helena her capacity to think.
"What?" she said with that soft voice "Did I put my blouse on backwards?" she had felt Helena's stare for a while, at first she thought that she wanted to ask her something but after several minutes in silence as Helen kept staring at her, she felt began to feel self conscious of that penetrating gaze.
"You look beautiful" Helena answered without thinking, her voice was somewhat husky from the desire that she felt for the redhead, her whole body inflamed with the desire she was feeling inside, each nerve ending of her body crying out for Barbara.
"Oh" Barbara blushed at the unexpected praise "thanks Hel, you look quit stunning yourself. Are you going out with Reese tonight?"
"Ha, ha" She laughed disarmingly. "That train left the station a long time ago Red." She hid her true sentiments behind her usual mockery.
"Oh", she nodded her head confused; Helena had been going out every night for the last two months, she thought she was with Detective Jesse Reese. "I thought that things between you two were serious."
"Not for a second, he wanted to get more serious but..." she shrugged with some insolence, hiding behind another façade "You already know how I am Red, I am not a woman of a single flavor and Jesse is a little bit possessive, I don't like that. I have a wondering eye you know." she added with mischievous eyes.
Barbara studied her in silence for a moment before speaking "How are you going to find someone to love, if you don't spend enough time with them to find out?"
"Oh, well your advice is a bit late Red." She looked at her sadly, making Barbara ask herself what she was referring too. "I know what love is Barbara, it's just that I was too young to realize it. Now is too late for me."
"It's never too late Hel, if you really love this person" Barbara realized that she was avoiding using the gender "You should..." she stopped seeking for the right words. She knew that Helena did not limit herself to males, as she once said, she was a free spirit she never took notice of a persons gender, what attracted her was the person as an individual.
"She, it's a woman", Helena let her off the hook "She never knew that I loved her, but I think it was for the best Babs. Look at me, I'm not relationship material, don't ya think?" with a dismissive smile, she stood, waved and left through the balcony taking off from there, Barbara was left wondering who could be the fortunate woman who had captured the heart of her unattainable protégé. Whoever it is must be a fool for not seeing the love that Helena had for her.
That was the last time that Helena had sought consolation in the arms of another woman, that night she realized that no one ever could take the place of Barbara and it wasn't fair, not for her, nor for the other women she used as a substitute. Nothing hurt more than the unsatisfied desires. She knew how Barbara's hands felt on her skin; she knew from the countless times that she had taken care of her battle wounds. She also knew that her body trembled when that happened, her body craving that delicate touch. She knew what it was, to get lost in the depths of that green sea that were Barbara's eyes. She knew how it felt to sleep next to her; she knew what hearing her voice early in the morning could do to her heartbeat. She had memorized her unique essence. She knew every voice inflection, each look, every gesture, and each heartbeat. Helena had known Barbara better than anyone, and ironically, never as her lover.
Helena could feel Barbara's presence without seeing her, recognize her voice among a thousand, her eyes among hundreds and she knew how her hands felt on her skin, but never, never as a lover. And that was the truth it hurt too much. Moreover, if in the arms of another woman she couldn't even fool herself into believing that it was Barbara, who she had never touched in a passionate way, then there was no reason to keep pretending.
The time that Barbara told Helena that her relationship with Wade wouldn't change anything between them, that nothing could get between them Helena looked at her sardonically with that smug indifferent smile, but inside her heart she was shouting that it wasn't true. That everything had already changed, that Wade was destroying everything, her, her love, their life. She smiled and claimed that everything was cool.
God, she had just given a landslide Oscar winning performance without a doubt, after first time Barbara had slept with him. The laughter, the knowing looks, answered all of her questions. She gave her all her support, she encouraged her to go on to discover what was between them, and each smile from Barbara was a stab wound to her heart. She wanted to die right there, to die, and forget.
Forget, it was all down to one word, but it has been two years and her love for Barbara had been as constant as the first moment. Perhaps the loss was more bearable now, living day by day until pain became a part of her, it was almost normal to feel it, that she could forget that it's there, always there.
Dinah was there in San Francisco, waiting for her call. What should she do? To see Dinah again surely will open a wound that had stopped bleeding. Only thinking about it made her tremble, she didn't want to hear about Barbara's life, it would just tear her apart, and she preferred to live in ignorance, to live with the memories and with the pain of loving Barbara.
The ignorance can be a blessed curse.
She didn't want to know, she couldn't.
Continued...