However, Not by V

Maybe it was just enough to breathe,
Just to breathe slowly
To recover each heartbeat in me
It doesn't make sense
Where are you now?

The cold night air had taken care of emptying the streets, a light consistent snow had fallen nonstop since the early hours of the afternoon; when Olivia Benson left the precinct after 7 p.m. the streets were semi deserted, only a few dared go out to confront the cold winds that accompanied the snow fall. She began to walk down the street, logic would dictate that she find a cab, but with the weather conditions being what they were, it wasn't likely she would find one if she just waited, therefore she began to walk until she found an available cab along the way. Besides her apartment wasn't too far away and the last thing she wanted was to get home to an apartment that felt colder than the street itself.

She looked up and she felt some flakes melt along her reddened and frozen face, she closed her eyes for a moment and continued walking, her gaze fixed forward but without actually looking where she was going. Her subconscious knew by heart the way home to bother to pay attention to where her feet led her, steps that seemed to resound in the unusual silence of the street. Absent were the sounds of cars with their unending coming and going, Olivia concentrated on the sound of her steps, anything that would take her mind off of her loneliness; from that pressing need that was eating her alive and that there was no way of satisfying it. The days came and went; each one with its respective demons, things unresolved or without end, with no feeling of any kind of triumph. Sometimes it didn't even matter that they had managed to catch or charge the perp, the lives of the victims that had been destroyed wasn't something that could be repaired from one day to the next and she knew that sometimes that wound would never stop bleeding.

Because I can't,
I still can't get used to
December is here now
And you are not
Here
I will wait for you 'till the end

The cold December reminded her that her own wound was still raw as if it had happened that day that she had lost everything during a cool fall evening. The three shots still rang in her ears, shots that would change her life forever. Her own words kept coming back to her each night in her dreams. "No, no, no, no, no, Alex, no, no, no, no." It had only been three months since that night of September 29th. It didn't seem to be that long ago but the pain was still there, even stronger if possible, because she knew that Alex was alive, far from her, because she could not be at her side. She was living in terror every day that the phone would ring and it would be Agent Hammond telling her Velez had found Alex, his target and completed his original objective

It wasn't supposed to be this way; it was December, a time of the season that is supposed to be happy. She and Alex had planned big things for this month and now everything was just dust in the wind. The desolation was complete when she thought of her being there, surrounded by friends, with people that worried about her, of familiar things, of their favorite places and streets. Alex, her lover was so far away, pretending to be someone she wasn't and alone, without a shoulder to cry on, alone. The more Olivia thought about it the more determined she was to wait for her, because frankly, for her there could never be anyone else, just Alex.

However not,
Not today
There is no time to explain
Or question me
If I loved you enough
I am here
And I want to talk now
Now.

Suddenly a gust of freezing wind chilled Olivia to the bone, her eyes filled with tears, tears that she thought she no longer had, however, each day they took her by surprise. It didn't matter when or what time, small things, instances that made her ask repeatedly if she should have said something more, another 'I love you' when they left the precinct to go to O'Malleys, if maybe pretending they weren't something more than just friends hadn't been an error. She couldn't help lament that because of that masquerade both had kept their distance at the bar while they discussed without end the futility of what they did and at the same time to forge ahead. While what she most desired at that moment was to be alone with Alex and assure her that everything would be fine, to love her passionately and intensely, and make her forget. She wished so much to feel the warmth of her yes and be able to tell her "I love you", just one more time.

Why do they break against my teeth
The important things
The words
The ones you will never hear
And I drown them in lament
Forcing them out
They are all for you
Each one of them right here

To have the opportunity to turn back time and tell her all those things that without realizing she had forgotten to say, words that had been on the tip of her tongue so many times but had died away for fear of not being what Alex really needed. Moreover, in those moments Olivia wanted to scream to the world that she, Detective Olivia Benson, from the Manhattan 16th Precinct was hopelessly in love with the most wonderful woman in the world, consequences be damned!

You feel them?now
Kiss and they will stay
Between us both
If you are not with me
I cannot repeat them
I cannot pronounce them

Alex, Alex, Alex, the name that she kept whispering each night like a mantra, a yearning lament, waiting, desiring that the attorney was thinking of her that night. That she would hear her thoughts, feel her and let her know what she couldn't say when she was there.

However not,
The memories rain on me
From those days that
We would run with the wind
I want to dream
That I can speak to you now
now

Before she realized it Olivia was in front of her building, with a weary step and lost gaze she didn't see the elderly man that greeted her but who she gave a nod too nonetheless and she was standing at her door. She opened it without thinking, on automatic pilot and closed it behind her and without another thought fell onto the couch. The lights were off, she had no need of them; the loneliness wouldn't go away with the light. There was no one waiting for her to get home, there was no music and the light on the table was out, there were no law books or a beautiful woman smiling happily at her arrival. There were no kisses goodnight, nor an "I missed you."

There were no nights staying up all night loving each other in tender passion, nor warm bodies locked together in bed. Olivia wanted to dream, pretend that Alex was there and that is why the light remained off because with her eyes closed she could imagine that Alex was there next to her and not in that perennial loneliness that suffocated her.

However not,
Not today
There is no time to explain
I had many things
A thousand things to say
And in front of me
A thousand things
That pulls me towards you

And the nights were even longer, colder, lonely, because when she returned to the silence of the apartment there was no one that with only a look would know that it wasn't words that Olivia needed, a hug and an I love you were enough to heal a wounded soul.

Those demons that followed her day and night, and were now her best friends, because if she had time to think, to remember she would go crazy that there had been no time. That what she had believed she'd had in her favor had been an illusion. That the ring that she had put away to give to Alex burned a hole in her pocket. That each time that she felt as if she were going crazy she would squeeze it in her hand until it was buried in her flesh and the pain would make her feel alive. Because what she had wanted to say, she hadn't been able to say it and they were the same words that were safeguarded in her heart that reminded her time and again that Alex was alive, alive.

Maybe it was just enough to breathe
Just to breathe slowly

And if the days and nights were torture Olivia reminded herself each day that things got done one step at a time, inhale, exhale, that life continued and that she had to keep going because Alex would come back to her, some day.

Today is too late
Today however, not.

However, that night she couldn't forget, Olivia closed her eyes as the tears bathed her face. Today was three months since her absence, three months of not being able to protect her, that night would be three months but who was counting?

Fin