~ If I Close My Eyes ~
by V
Chapter 9 Breakup
Being an SVU detective was certainly not a 9 to 5 job, you always knew when you were supposed to be there, but not when you were supposed to leave. Even after an all nighter spent searching for clues, or catching up on any one of the many cases that could probably curl the toes even of the most experienced. Therefore, sleeping actually meant closing your eyes for a couple of hours and with any luck not having those images flashing through your mind as you try to catch some sleep in the crib.
During all those years in which Olivia Benson had been Detective she had never been bothered by waking at any hour of the night; her cell phone was always set to ring, whether it was to go to some unknown crime scene or to go interview a victim. No, it had never seemed a bother per se; it was part of the job after all, one that she had always been able to do willingly. It was true that sometimes these calls happened during the worst possible moments, in the middle of a date, in the early hours of the morning or when she had only just had less than 4 hours of sleep after a 48 hrs shift. But all of these times Olivia would leave with an apology and with a promise of a phone call or another date to make up for the one that was missed. Soon enough the person who had been trying to go out with her was relegated to second place and then forgotten in the life of the detective.
Being honest with herself, Olivia on more than one occasion was more grateful than not that this was so, knowing that she was dedicated to her work and what that meant for her on a personal level. She knew she dedicated herself to each case 100%, that she wouldn't rest until she found justice and many times a bitter taste would remain in her mouth if she failed. But even if she did so, didn't mean she stopped trying to be what she was all the way through, an SVU detective. It was her passion and her life.
Being a Police Officer or Detective put you in a position that normal people couldn't understand if they didn't live it themselves. In reality many people could not understand that they worked many hours with high levels of stress and danger for low salaries in comparison to other high risk jobs. It was certainly ironic that the people that put their lives in the service of others and on the line of fire trying to look for justice and security for our society should be paid too poorly. Normally Olivia didn't bother with those things, from childhood she had always wanted to be a Police Officer, she had always known what the price would be and what she would have to pay. Almost all of her life she had been a loner by choice, she didn't like the loneliness but she preferred it because either way there weren't many people that could understand her choice of career and what she had to go through every day. It was a high price to pay personally and emotionally; each case was like a dagger to the heart of the detective and it hurt her not being able to see justice done. Many more nights than not she would wake up in a cold sweat and chills knowing once again she'd had a nightmare related to her work that kept her tossing and turning in her bed.
Therefore, it wasn't odd that Olivia should be single or that she would only have an occasional date, most of the time canceled or interrupted by her work. It wasn't odd either for her to keep her private life private. Not even Elliot her work partner and her honorary adoptive brother knew if Olivia had or didn't have a boyfriend hidden somewhere. In fact, he didn't even know that Olivia was bisexual. On her days off se spent it doing who knew what.
Elliot was married and he took advantage of the infrequent days off to spend time with his family. Olivia however, took advantage to do things that normally she couldn't do, everyday things like wash clothes, clean the apartment, buying groceries, even though she usually ate out, after all what was the point of making a meal if it was only for one. Besides, with her odd hours she was never home long enough to make a meal.
So her fridge was usually empty, an occasional quart of milk past its expiration date, a couple of six packs of beer and some soft drinks. Her pantry consisted of the always-faithful jar of peanut butter and a few cans of soup and oatmeal. Olivia Benson's kitchen definitely was a sure sign of a woman married to her work and that rarely ever spent time at home.
However, all rules have their exception and Olivia Benson fell in love with the person she least expected and a woman to top it off. The problem wasn't that she was a woman, but that this woman was none other than Alexandra Cabot, the Assistant District Attorney assigned to their unit. That Alex might be interested in her would be a total surprise for Olivia; one that she nevertheless was willing to accept despite the consequences. Loving Alex was not something that Olivia could help. They had been going out for the last four months and even though for them it was official, it was a stable relationship but could potentially be dangerous and professionally disastrous for both of them if anyone found out. So both continued to maintain the status quo, for the outside world they were only colleagues and friends who occasionally went out together and had a few drinks after work, each one with their own lives.
The once normal but secret relationship that Olivia was dying to share with the world but was forbidden to do so was beginning to be a problem now. During the first three months of her relationship had been like a dream, it would seem that the powers that be had decided to give them an opportunity to get to know each other and settle into their relationship and therefore giving them time from their demanding work schedules. Even so, it appeared now that it had only been a temporary reprieve, since then it had been difficult for them to get together. In fact, just because they worked together seem to make things more impossible because either Olivia was on some investigation or Alex was preparing for trial, the same ones that Olivia was investigating, making it impossible for them to spend any quality time together.
These and other dark thoughts were causing Olivia to remain alone in her apartment with a beer in her hand wondering as some program was on TV only for the ambient noise and not because she was interested in what was on, noise to keep her company so she wouldn't feel so damn alone. It was her first free day in two weeks and Alex wasn't there. The woman she loved and who she was hoping was still her girlfriend was at the moment at a Gala benefiting the Cabot Foundation, hanging from the arm of some guy who could probably pass as an underwear model for Calvin Kline, and who had made it quite clear that he was interested in Alex.
Just recalling the scene that she saw, just as she turned towards Alex's office made her blood boil with jealousy. Once Olivia had confirmed that she had the day off headed rapidly to the attorney's office to let her know and to make plans for that evening and the next day. What she saw on the way made her stop and make use of every known technique to calm down and not go over and beat the shit out of the guy that had his hand on Alex's arm invading her personal space and clearly marking her as his property. Alex was laughing at what he was saying and nodding, however, the attorney must have felt her presence because just then as Olivia was about to move towards her, Alex moved slightly away from the man in question.
"Of course George, at eight is fine, I'm sorry but I can't go any earlier I have a lot of work to do and it will be impossible to have dinner with you."
"That's ok" George accepted with a letdown look on his face. "At least you'll be my date at the function." He smiled charmingly at her and leaned closer to kiss her, which landed on her check when Alex moved her head. A kiss that Olivia tried to pass off as if she didn't care based on her body language, as she relaxes against the wall just to one side of Alex's office. However, a blind fury burned in the detective's eyes, a fire that only Alex could see. "I'll see you tomorrow Lex." The man said goodnight looking at Olivia from the corner of his eye.
"Goodnight George" Alex responded easily, turning to Olivia before opening the door to her office and inviting Olivia in with a slight nod of her head. Once the detective was inside Alex hurried to close the door securely, however when she tried to kiss Olivia she moved to aside and turned her back.
Alex closed her eyes and sighed "Liv, it's not what you think."
"I know it's not what you think I think, I know it's not what it seems, but I do know what it is." Olivia spat out with clenched teeth. "If I thought it was what it seemed to be we wouldn't be here talking at this moment, 'Lex'" she added sarcastically.
"Liv, you know I have to attend the Gala. It's given by the Cabot Foundation, my mother expects me to be there." She said tiredly.
"And? Can't you go by yourself or with me?" She turned to look at her; you could see the distress in her face. Alex opened her mouth but Olivia jumped in. "Or can't you take a friend? Or is it that we can't even be seen as friends even in public?" She asked ironically. Olivia knew that she was over reacting but damn the consequences she knew well enough that they had to be careful but when she saw Alex with that man it was more than she could handle at that moment. She had only slept no more than 4 hours in the last 72 hours, she was at the point of collapse and the only thing she wanted was to spend some time with the woman she loved. Was that too much to ask for?
"Olivia, for God's sake, this event has been on my agenda for months and my mother expects me to go with George, he's an old friend of the family and we always go together." Alex tried to explain, even though it sounded lame even for her. "He means nothing to me Liv, I have known him since we were children."
"And probably your mother and his have always wanted for you and him to get married, right?" She muttered, seeing the answer in Alex's eyes. "I saw the way he treats you Alex, I'm a detective, it's obvious that he's interested in you."
"But not me Olivia, don't be so irrational." Alex begged impatiently "It's something I have to do. You know perfectly well that there are functions that I have to be at because of the Foundation and when there are official functions. You also go to the Police Dept. functions.
"I don't go on the arm of a man Alex at least I won't now that I'm with you, that's called respect. If I can't go with you I prefer not to go with anyone." Olivia declared feeling as if the little control she still had on her emotions was about to break.
Alex sighed profoundly and her eyes turned into blue icebergs. "Are you telling me that I don't respect our relationship detective? I thought you had more trust in me but obviously not. Good day Olivia, I have a lot of work to do." She said and headed for her desk moving around Olivia who was standing frozen staring at Alex in caged rage.
"I..." Olivia tried to say but she clinched her jaw, without another word opened the door, and rapidly left just barely avoiding running into anything or anyone in her blind fury.
Without looking back, Olivia left One Hogan Plaza and took a taxi to her apartment. She was exhausted and she knew that in the state she was in it wouldn't do any good to try to apologize to Alex or even try to talk to her. Her reserves were down to zero and she might say something that she didn't really feel. The captain had given her the afternoon and the next day off to rest and she knew she needed it.
Without thinking about it, Olivia took a shower and threw herself on the bed without eating. She fell asleep immediately forgetting that her cell was almost dead and that she had left the telephone off the hook. When she woke up the next day, it was after noon. She got up and went to get something to eat, she was starving and she didn't have anything at home to fix. She couldn't stop thinking of Alex, however, being distracted with her problems with Alex she had forgotten her cell and when she tried to call from a public phone, the call went directly to voicemail and she remembered that Alex had told her the morning before that she'd be in court all day.
The day passed between making her purchases, cleaning up the apartment and doing the laundry. When she got back to the apartment from the laundry, she realized she had left the phone disconnected and that her cell phone was dead. She cursed under her breath and set the cell to charge; she then put the telephone in its place and decided to go see Alex as soon it was seven. When Olivia arrived at the attorney's building, she saw Alex leaving on the arm of George, dressed in a black satin strapless sheath. It was simple yet elegant. The attorney was laughing at something George had said and she looked at him as if he were the only man in the world. A red haze took over Olivia. With her arms tightly to her sides, she turned and left.
She went into the first bar she saw and had two shots of bourbon in one gulp. She could feel the anger and the jealousy eat away at her insides. She tried to rationalize what she had seen. She knew how Alex could make a persona feel as if they were the most important or make them feel like a scumbag. But knowing this didn't help mitigate what she was feeling at that moment. She asked herself and not for the first time if it was worth the suffering she was feeling at that moment. Olivia had always known that Alexandra Cabot was way out of her league and she never thought that Alex would be interested. However, what good was it if her love had to be hidden in a secret place like something dirty to look at. What did it matter loving her if to the rest of the world she had to pretend they were nothing, barely even friends? In addition, she had to swallow her anger and jealousy when she saw her in the arms of another for social functions as she called them.
For more than an hour Olivia sat at the bar with a drink in front of her thinking time and time again about Alex and how good she looked and how she hung on to her "childhood friend" arm. After her fourth drink, she decided that getting drunk would be not help. She paid her tab and took a taxi to her apartment. She was slightly drunk but what did it matter Seeing that she had plenty of overtime accumulated the first thing she did when she got to her apartment was call Captain Cragen, then asked for a couple of extra days off. Cragen agreed and told her to rest, it was smart to take a break when you needed it. He knew what the job they did could do to a person. Moreover, he knew that you could be burned out if you didn't take an occasional time out.
So now, she was in her apartment with a warm beer in her hand thinking; going over and over her life before and after Alex. She didn't think she'd be able to stand it, to go back to the empty and solitary life without the attorney but she didn't think she'd be able to move forward if that meant she would have to live with the "Social Dates" Alex had. In one way or another, she was on the losing end.
The first three months had been great between them. Alex had not gone out to any function or with anyone up until a month ago. At first, she took it as just a necessary evil to deal with but when those outings became more frequent -apparently during that time of the year the functions were more recurrent- Olivia began to resent the situation, but she had never had to witness her attorney with a 'pseudo' date outside of the office and that was what now was driving her mad. Not only had it been the social events, but also how demanding her work had gotten lately therefore more work for Alex as well. They hardly had any time together and that was driving Olivia crazy.
The times that they had managed to get together was usually interrupted by the ringing of the detective's cell. Alex always seemed to understand, she knew better than anyone what the job was and knew what it meant to Olivia to solve the case and what it meant for her. Nevertheless, was it worth it? Olivia would ask herself over and over again.
The pain she was feeling at the thought that maybe she had been stupid for falling in love might be too much. Both of them had a responsibility to their jobs. Both of them had a lot to lose if anyone found out what they had. Did they still have something?
Upset Olivia drank down the rest of the beer, turned off the TV and headed to her room, falling like a log on the bed. The bourbon shots she'd had and the beer combo had done their job. Olivia slept soundly, not even hearing the phone or the door that kept buzzing incessantly.
Chapter 10 Misunderstandings
The next day Olivia packed a small suitcase, she called an old friend from her university days that she hardly ever saw and left for Albany for a couple of days. She needed to think and being closeted in her apartment by herself was driving her crazy. Before she left she called Elliot letting him know that she was taking a few vacation days She explained that she was exhausted and that she would have her cell turned off but that she would call him when she got back. Elliot seemed worried for her but she assured him that she was just tired and in need of some fresh air. Stabler wasn't completely convinced at with her explanation but he knew she would tell him her reasons when she felt ready and not before. They said goodbye and she left to catch the train.
When she got back to work on Monday, Olivia had decided to talk to Alex and apologize for having disappeared and secondly to explain what she was feeling every time Alex that she had to attend some social function on the arm of a man. After having thought long and hard and with the help from her friend she arrived at the conclusion that living without Alex Cabot wasn't something that she wanted but they also had to clear up some things. Olivia hadn't actually told how her what she felt when Alex had to attend functions, at least she hadn't been totally honest and she should be if she wanted to save what they had.
Olivia had tried to contact Alex after her second day in Albany but she never answered the phone and her cell always went straight to voicemail. She left a couple of messages but her calls were never returned. Olivia was beginning to suspect that Alex was avoiding her; she couldn't blame her after all.
All morning Olivia was busy trying to catch up on what was happening at the precinct. At lunch time she was planning to go see Alex when a call came in about a case and she and Elliot had to run out. When they returned almost two hours later with a suspect under custody Alex was there. But she didn't look or say anything to her, aware that this wasn't the moment Olivia concentrated on her work.
"Book him," Alex said in a serious voice. "We have sufficient evidence to try him. I hope to have the preliminaries by this afternoon." She turned to Elliot who was just entering Cragen's office and after a nod from Elliot quickly left the office.
"Alex, can we talk." Olivia's voice stopped her "I'd like..."
"I am very busy Detective Benson." Cabot's cold voice responded without turning back. "I have to be in court in 20 minutes" and without another word walked out.
Olivia stood there starring at her back, knowing she couldn't follow her without raising suspicion. She lifted her shoulders as if it didn't matter in case someone was watching and sat at her desk to do the paperwork for the guy they had just arrested.
When Olivia later went to Alex's office it was closed, obviously she had left early. She called her at home but she didn't answer, she tried her cell again but with no luck. The Detective began to feel desperate because she knew she had acted stupidly when she disappeared without having talked to Alex. But she had needed the time to think, however now the attorney didn't want to have anything to do with her.
Disheartened Olivia returned to the precinct. She didn't want to go home only to be alone where she would think of more stupid things. She needed to talk to Alex.
After spending two hours filling out paperwork and putting everything in order, Olivia decided that she couldn't wait any longer, Alex wasn't answering her calls, so she decided to go camp out at her door if necessary until Alex decided to listen to her and she hoped...she thought fearfully...to forgive her for being so insecure and cowardly.
Olivia took a taxi to Alex's building, during the whole trip she conjured up every possible outcome. From time to time she dialed Alex's house but she continued without answering. When she finally arrived almost running into the building, the doorman already knew her so he didn't stop her, although he looked at her a bit strangely, Olivia in her rush didn't take notice.
As soon as she was at the door of the PH, she knocked expecting it to open, but when the door opened it wasn't who she expected.
"Good evening," George Crawford greeted. "What can I help you with?"
"ADA Cabot," Olivia said in her official voice once she had gotten over her initial surprise. "I'm detective Benson, she asked me to let her know about a case she's working on as soon as we had a lead."
"Oh, Alex is in the shower, would you like to wait?" He moved to one side to let her in.
"No." Olivia refused with more control than she thought she had. "Just tell her that Detective Benson said that the evidence shows that the suspect is guilty, He was in the apartment that night."
"Fine, I'll tell her." He agreed then after wishing her a good night closed the door.
Olivia turned around and with hurried steps took the elevator that fortunately had remained there. She could feel the sting of tears burning the lids of her eyes, but she refused to let the tears escape. She knew that if she did she would lose the little control over her emotions that she had and she'd break down. When she stepped out of the elevator the doorman Charlie waved at her.
"You're leaving so soon Detective?" He asked.
"Yes, I only came to give Alex some information; she needs them for a trial tomorrow. Good night Charlie." She tried to smile and with a hesitant step left the building.
Without knowing how Olivia began to walk to her own apartment, it wasn't exactly close by, at least 10 blocks, but at that moment she was too numb to feel or for it to matter. Not only had she ruined the best relationship of her life but after all she had a reason. Alex at the end had chosen the right option and that obviously was not her.
She was half way home when her cell rang and she answered without thinking, it was a natural reflex. "Benson."
"Liv we have a DB in the park, possible rape" Stabler's voice brought her out of her self-torture "I'll be there en 15"
"I'm on my way, I'm close by" she responded the professional Detective Benson emerging once again. This was not the time to cry, it would be better to forget. How could she be so ingenious to think that love has a place in her life? 'Damn fool!'
Soon Olivia was at the crime scene, doing what she knew best. The scene was chaos; the body was in the park but too close to the street. Some adolescents had found it as they rode on their skateboards. One of them fell into the bushes as he tried a new jump and fell on top of the body. When he started screaming several people came to see what the commotion was and someone called 911.
As Olivia spoke with some of the witnesses her cell rang again. "Benson." She answered impatiently.
"Liv, it's me..." Alex's soft voice assaulted her senses and for a moment she forgot that she shouldn't be happy to hear her voice nor to drown in the delicious sensations that Alex's voice produced in her when she suddenly recalled what she had seen only 15 minutes earlier.
"Counselor what can I do for you?" Olivia asked seriously just as Elliot called her.
"Olivia I didn't..." She began to say but Olivia interrupted. "I'm sorry Counselor but I have to go, work." She hung up without another word and moving rapidly to where Elliot was.
"It looks like this was only the dump site for the body, not the original crime scene." Elliot explained. "O'Halloran said that there is no evidence anywhere but it smells like gasoline around the body. Melinda says the TOD is about two hours; rigor hasn't set in, besides that she has petiquea. She needs more time to determine the cause of death since there is no sign of strangulation."
"Damn we are at square one. She didn't have any ID and no one saw anything." She ran her fingers through her hair. "If they dumped gas on her they must have had the intention of lighting her up and that would have erased any DNA evidence."
"Let's get back to the 16th, we'll start checking missing persons, maybe we'll find something but I doubt it. The required 24 hours hasn't passed to report it. Her clothes don't look dirty other than the usual."
Olivia agreed and after exchanging a few words with Melinda she got into Elliot's car.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Stabler asked as soon as Olivia got comfortable in the seat and closed her eyes.
"Talk?" She opened her eyes and looked at Elliot confused.
"Whatever has you like this?" Elliot pointed to the tormented eyes and dark circles. "You've been acting strange since before you left on that sudden mini-vacation. Boy was that a surprise! Even Cabot told me she went looking for you at your apartment the night before you left and you weren't there.
"Alex went to my house?" She didn't recall seeing her or even hearing her.
"Yep, she was pretty surprised too that you took a few days off, she said you had plans to go to the MET."
"Oh damn!" She slapped her forehead. "I forgot."
"Evidently, she looked pretty upset." Elliot continued as if nothing. "The tickets were expensive, how it is she invited you?"
"Well," She thought about what she was going to answer. The truth was that Alex loved going to the MET and she had a private box for the entire season; Olivia would accompany her whenever she could, more to spend time with her than because she actually liked it. It's not that she didn't but she would rather do other things with the attorney than spend two hours listening to music. "I happened to mention that I had never heard the NY Philharmonic play and she insisted that it was something that I needed to see. I don't think she'll forgive me for forgetting." She shrugged her shoulders.
"That's an understatement." Elliot agreed.
Both stayed quiet. Elliot concentrated on his driving back to the precinct and Olivia couldn't get the image of George at the PH of the woman who until now she thought of as her girlfriend. She couldn't stop going over what had brought her to this point in her life and the way she had destroyed her relationship with the attorney. She knew she had overreacted but she had never had a real serious relationship before. For God sake! She had never been in love before the way she was with the attorney. Damn it! She groaned in silence. What was she going to do now? She thought sadly.
The case grew complicated, and they knew that they could only wait for the autopsy results. After reviewing all the possible identities in the missing person's database Olivia returned to her apartment sometime after 3 a.m. Exhausted and knowing that she had to be back at the precinct by 7 she threw herself on the bed without even removing her clothes. She didn't have the strength for anything, the red light from her answering machine blinked on and off, indicating several messages but she never took notice.
The next day after they received the report from Dr. Warner the four detectives hit the street looking for clues. The case was getting more complicated and without clues they didn't know where to start. The body had no DNA evidence that could implicate anyone. The young woman continued as a Jane Doe in the morgue as they continued to search blindly.
It was almost nine in the evening and Olivia continued working at the precinct, going over the Missing Persons reports for the last few days once more, just to make sure that they hadn't missed something. Suddenly she felt the hair on the nape of her neck stand on end, she was practically alone, and Elliot had left several hours earlier for a school function. Munch and Finn had left early since they were on call and without any good leads there wasn't much they could do. She felt Alex's presence nearby even before she could hear the click, clack of her high heels, steps she would recognize amongst thousands. How many times had she waited impatiently, recognizing them ever since the attorney was assigned to her unit? And how many times since they had declared their mutual love had she waited to hear if only in a professional setting. She ran her hand through her hair trying not to listen until she felt Alex's presence at her side.
All during the day Olivia had been out of the precinct or busy looking for leads with the other detectives. Alex had gone to the precinct to talk to Cragen about a case they had pending. She had stopped by Olivia's desk but she had ignored her presence. When she had left Cragen's office, Olivia was no where to be seen. There was no way for her to know that Olivia had hidden herself away in the crib so she wouldn't have to talk to Alex.
"Olivia." Alex said in a shaky voice. "We need to talk."
Olivia took a few moments before raising her gaze, trying to look very busy with the reports she was going over and knowing that she could not do anything else but face Alex. She raised her eyes without making eye contact with the attorney.
"What can I do for you counselor?" She asked coldly.
"Damn it Liv!" Alex exclaimed causing Olivia to look at her disconcertedly. Alexandra Cabot rarely lost her ice demeanor. What she saw made the detective shrink. Alex had dark circles under her eyes and she looked exhausted. "Stop treating me as if I was nothing, as if there was nothing between us." Alex begged in a low voice. There was no one in the precinct but she couldn't take the chance.
I'm sorry Alexandra but I don't know anything, I don't know if we are or aren't. I don't know." Olivia said finally lowering her gaze.
"How in the hell are you going to know!" Alex exclaimed "If we haven't spoken in over a week. You disappeared Olivia, you were the one who left my office furious, the one who didn't answer the phone, that doesn't answer her door, the one that left and did not let me know what the hell happened. What exactly did I do Olivia for you to treat me this way?"
"What did you do?" Olivia growled surprised, looking right into her eyes. "You have the gall to ask me that? Two weeks without seeing each other except in passing, two weeks playing broken phones, or quick escapes to your office just because I was dying to see you, kiss you" she whispered in torment. "And the first day that I get off I find you with your friend chatting happily." She said in disdain. "Making plans for a date."
"Olivia, I told you that..." She tried to explain.
"No" Olivia cut her off, making Alex almost jump back at the unexpected reaction "I'm not going to talk to you Alex...no..."
"Olivia, we need to talk" the attorney insisted interrupting her, in that aggressive tone that always managed to cause the detective's pulse to jump and make her blood boil.
"I know" Liv sighed in resignation, she more than anyone else knew that they had to, she was going crazy imagining a thousand scenarios in her head of what it would be like to be without Alex and it terrorized her. "I meant I wasn't going to talk to you here, it's not the proper place. Let's go to..." She stopped unsure and looked at Alex in question.
"Let's go to your apartment, its closer." Alex offered in slight relief.
"Of course" Olivia agreed. Could it be that he's waiting for you at yours? Olivia asked herself bitterly.
Olivia stood and pulled on her jacket, but not before turning off her computer and putting away the files in her drawer as Alex watched her silently.
They were about to leave when Olivia's cell rang, as she was about to answer she noticed out of the corner of her eye how Alex closed her eyes in frustration. She didn't need to be a psychic to know what that call probably meant.
"Benson." She answered, listening to whoever was on the other end. Her face turned serious as she assented to whoever was speaking.
"I'm on my way."
Olivia shut the cell and looked at Alex. "There's another DB with the same MO from the other night." She blew out. "This time he managed to set her on fire" Liv informed "he's escalating, he's turned serial.
Alex nodded her jaw clinched, she knew that the work was always first, the duty before anything else, but damn it, why now, when the need to clear things up with Olivia was so important. "I understand." She responded. "Olivia, we haven't talked, we need to talk. I refuse to believe that a bunch of misunderstandings could end what we have." She looked at her desperately. At that moment she wasn't the hard and cold ADA that everyone knew, but a woman in love that could see the best relationship of her life falling apart because of a stupid mistake.
"Alex, I don't have time for this right now, please." Olivia begged, her brown eyes looking into the attorney's blue eyes asking for understanding. "I have to go."
Alex looked around, the precinct was almost deserted, there was no one and without giving it another thought she closed the gap between them and kissed her, her tongue invading her mouth with force, not giving her anytime to react. Placing a hand on the nape of her neck Alex's tongue dominated Olivia's mouth. It was only a few seconds but for Liv it seemed like hours. It had been a possessive kiss, full of passion and contained desire. Alex was making it clear that she was the owner of her heart. When she let her go she stepped back and with a rough voice said. "We are going to talk Olivia Benson, and do not doubt to who you belong to and why." And without another word walked away leaving Olivia nailed to the floor in complete surprise. When she finally reacted Cabot was no where to be seen and Olivia had to practically run to meet up with Munch and Fin, a silly smile on her face. Damn! that woman she sure knows how to kiss.
The next few days were chaotic, two more bodies were found and still there were no leads to who the rapist and killer was. The press was like piranhas smelling fresh blood and the brass was breathing down Cragen's back demanding results. Finally after almost four days of investigating and spending hours and hours searching they got a break. An eyewitness managed to give them a description of the man they were searching for. Apparently just as the witness was taking out the trash he witnessed how the suspect dropped something bulky to the ground and when he looked up he saw him face to face, but instead of confronting him he had taken running without looking back. The witness immediately went back in and called the police. The man had looked suspicious and besides like all New Yorkers had heard the newscasts about the murders that were happening in Lower Manhattan.
They finally had a lead. When the perp had been caught by surprise he hadn't had time to pour gas over the body therefore not destroying vital DNA evidence. After about a week and four bodies they not only had DNA evidence but a name as well. Peter Howe, the perp had been imprisoned for assault and battery two years prior. He had just been released from Rikers only a week earlier and had not waited to pick-up his old habits. This time nothing would save him from the death penalty. He was now a rapist serial killer.
With the perp's description and name the detectives first contacted his probation officer. When he gave them the supposed address of the perp they immediately headed over there with several units. They were not sure that he would be there, they doubted it but they still had to start looking for him. He was dangerous and he wasn't about to stop.
The building where he supposedly lived was just one of many that should have been long condemned. It was in ruins and inhabited by people that barely had enough to live, Drug addicts and other unsavory characters. Munch and Fin entered through the front followed by several uniformed officers while Olivia and Stabler went around back. Just as they were entering Olivia saw a man that looked like the picture they had of the perp.
"Police! Stop!" Olivia yelled when she saw him and he froze for just a moment before running with Olivia in hot pursuit. Stabler who was slightly further back called for backup as he followed Olivia. "Halt!" Olivia screamed again gaining on the perp and just as he was about to jump a fence the Detective threw herself tackling him. Both fell to the ground rolling around as the perp tried to get Olivia off of him. Olivia received and elbow directly to the face nearly knocking her out, but she managed to stubbornly hang on and punching him in the kidney just before Stabler arrived and pulled him off her. But just as Stabler was pulling him away and Olivia tried to stand the perp kneed her in the face sending her flying and landing on her back and knocking her head as she fell.
"Get a Bus out here, Officer down!" Elliot yelled when he saw Olivia was out cold. He kneeled at her side worried but making no attempt to move her. He had managed to see when she fell how she had hit her head hard on the ground. "Damn it!"
Munch and Fin ran up at that moment. "What happened?" Munch asked when he saw Olivia passed out.
"The perp managed to get an elbow in her face and when I tried to pull him off her, he kneed her in the face and she fell back hitting her head." Elliot informed them without taking his eyes from Olivia who looked like she was regaining consciousness. "Liv?"
'Hey.' Olivia responded a bit disoriented. "What happened?"
She asked as she tried getting up.
"Stay still Liv, you received a good bump in the head, wait until the paramedics take a look." He instructed.
"I'm fine." Olivia said as she managed to get on her feet with Elliot's help, who was shaking his head at his partner's stubbornness.
"Liv" He started to say but he had barely gotten the words out when Olivia's legs began to buckle.
"I think...I think I'm a little dizzy." She managed to say before she passed out once more.
Elliot picked her up and went in search of the ambulance that he heard approaching.
"Elliot, go with her to the hospital, I'll contact the Captain while we take care of the perp." Munch instructed. Fin was already on the cell talking to Cragen updating him on the situation.
Elliot agreed and headed to the ambulance that was arriving at that moment, The ambulance pulled to a top with a squeal of breaks in front of the building and in matter of seconds two paramedics jumped out running towards Elliot with a gurney on tow.
"She suffered hits to the head and was unconscious for a couple of minutes, she recovered but when she tried to stand, she felt dizzy and lost consciousness again." Elliot explained hurriedly as he laid her on the gurney.
"Ok, let's transport her to Mercy." The paramedic advised as they got her on the ambulance. Elliot agreed and ran to his car, placing the siren on top so that he could keep up with the ambulance. It might look like it wasn't serious, but he wanted to make sure.
Chapter 11 Enlightenment
Alex arrived at the precinct an hour later; she had been at court when they had made the arrest. As soon as she had received the call from Cragen she had headed to the 1-6; that serial killer had kept them all on the edge and the DA had her frustrated with his demands; just as Cragen was being hounded by the Brass for an arrest. She went directly to captain's office.
The first thing she saw through the two-way mirror from Cragen's office were Munch and Fin interrogating the perp who just sat there staring at them with cold emotionless eyes. Olivia and Elliot didn't seem to be around which disconcerted her. Liv was the lead detective on the case. Cragen turned towards Alex when she came in.
"Since they brought him in, he hasn't uttered a single word, not even to ask for an attorney. Fin and Munch have showed him the pictures, the evidence and still he didn't even blink." The Captain explained in revulsion.
"We don't need him to say anything" she stated matter of factly "the DNA found on the body of his last victim is good enough. But we need more evidence that will tie him to the other three bodies so we can do justice to the other victims as well. We know it's him but we need irrifutable proof. Otherwise is just circumstantial.
"We need a warrant to search his place, as soon as Elliot returns I'll send Munch and Fin to serve it as soon as you have it." Cragen offered.
"Where are they?" Alex asked without taking her eyes off of the man, just to look at him repulsed her; he looked dirty and had clear signs of being a real creep.
"Mercy, Olivia is under observation." Cragen informed and didn't notice of how Alex paled.
"What..? Olivia...? What happened?" She tried to control the panic that overtook her at that moment. She turned slowly toward the Captain, who turned his gaze away from the interrogation room.
"When she made the arrest, the perp managed to get in a couple of good hits to her face and when she fell she hit her head. She passed out from what Stabler told me and she has a mild concussion. They were going to keep her in observation for a few hours since she lost consciousness a couple of times." He informed her before turning back to the interrogation room without realizing or maybe because he did by how pale Alex had gotten at the news.
"Oh, but she's fine?" She tried to control the shake in her voice "...Olivia."
"Yes, considering the circumstances, she'll probably have a few bruises on her face and a good size bump on her head, but otherwise she is fine" the Captain responded casually. Once he assured himself that his Detective was fine it was back to work, they had a perp to interrogate.
Alex nodded and tried to follow the interrogation but her mind was far away, with Liv. She knew what the implications were in loving a police officer; they were always in danger of being hurt or worse. But God, now she felt as if her heart would burst out of her chest, her legs shook and a cold shiver ran down her spine. It didn't matter that Cragen had said she was alright, she need to see for herself.
The door opened abruptly and Elliot entered, Alex immediately looked for Olivia but she wasn't with him.
"How is Benson?" She asked as soon as she saw him, trying not to sound too anxious just an ADA asking for the health of one of her detectives, nothing else.
"In observation, Olivia wanted to be released but he Doc didn't allow it, nevertheless, he managed to convince Liv to stay a couple more hours if that meant she didn't have to spend the night in the hospital" Elliot informed with a crooked smile "Liv hates hospitals" he added. "She pretty much ordered me to return to the precinct to see how the interrogation with Howe's was going."
Alex turned to Cragen. "I'm going for the warrant, as soon as I have it I'll send it over. I don't think that even Rideneour would dare deny it" she added. If you need anything else I'll be on my cell. Arrest him on any charges that we know for sure will stick and add assault of a police officer and resisting arrest" she said sharply.
"Sure" Cragen agreed and watched as she left the office.
Olivia was more than ready to leave when Alex entered her cubicle. Her pale face made her try to stand but Alex ran to her side to stop her. "Are you alright?" She asked in concern and looked her over from head to toe to make sure that she didn't have any other injury.
"Yes, it was only a bump on the head, they are making too much of a fuss" Olivia blew out impatiently "I'm fine."
"Liv, how can you say that?" The arrival of the doctor on shift cut off whatever she was going to say.
"Ok Detective Benson, let's look at those pupils to see how you're progressing."
"I'm fine" Olivia growled "I want to leave."
"I'm the doctor ok? Let me decide that" He smiled tolerantly and began his examination.
Alex watched attentively everything the doctor was doing as Olivia kept frowning at him in obvious frustration. She had needed to stay longer than what she thought was necessary.
After a few minutes more the doctor made a few notes on the chart and looked at Olivia. "Ok, your pupils are responsive but there are still some signs of trauma but nothing serious. However, I would like for you to stay the night in observation just to make sure."
"No!" Olivia refused immediately "I'm fine." She insisted stubbornly.
"Let's do the following, if you promise to rest at least for 24 hours and you assure me that someone will be with you at least for the first 12 hours I'll let you go, if and when you promise to return for a re-evaluation tomorrow morning, otherwise I won't let you leave and I will tell your Captain that you are under observation and under doctors care for the next three days."
Olivia was about to protest when Alex jumped in.
"I'll stay with her and I'll make sure that she follows your instructions to the letter." She didn't look at Liv that glared at her at that moment; she turned her attention to the doctor. "If she shows any signs of anything I will personally bring her in myself."
"Very well Miss..." He paused.
"ADA Alexandra Cabot, I'm a friend of the Detective" she introduced herself.
The Doctor looked at her for a few moments before agreeing, he seemed to understand what the word friend
meant, but he didn't say anything. "Excellent, in that case the nurse will come in a few more minutes with the discharge papers. If she feels nauseous or dizziness or if she looses consciousness don't hesitate to bring her in. Also, don't let her fall sleep more than two hours at a time to make sure she's ok. Ask her routine questions to make sure."
"I understand. Alex responded without looking at Liv who was being entirely too quiet and glowering at her from the bed.
"Very good, the nurse will be here shortly." The doctor left the cubicle leaving them alone.
"You didn't have to do that" Olivia growled as soon as the Doctor had left "I don't need a babysitter, I'm fine and..." she stopped when she noticed Alex's icily stare.
"Not a single word Detective, not even one" she warned "unless you want me to talk to Cragen and tell him that the Doctor has given you three days rest, understand?"
Olivia opened her mouth to protest but Alex's look made her close it. It was the patented Cabot stare that she used when she was in court and clearly said "Don't mess with me or you will regret it." So she tightened her mouth and agreed reluctantly.
While Olivia continued to pout and tried to avoid looking at the blonde; Alex took out her cell and called Elliot.
"Yes, I'm here with her now... the Doctor has discharged her and I offered to take care of her otherwise they would have left her for observation...Yes, I need those papers tonight... can you take them to my house?... Yes that would be easier...yes 24 hours and she has to come back tomorrow for a check up for them to release her completely...Fine I'll tell her."
"Who are you talking to?" Olivia asked furiously.
"Elliot. They found evidence in Howe's room, trophies that tie him to the other three murders. Elliot is supposed to drop off the paperwork at my place when it's ready. I want to arraign him tomorrow morning.
"Why yours?" She asked as she took in the news. "I can be at my place; I don't need a babysitter I already told you."
"Olivia, I told you a week ago that we needed to talk and if that means that I have to baby sit you I will. I made that very clear on Tuesday." Her expression didn't leave any room for protests; however, Olivia didn't seem inclined to give up so easily.
"I know we have to talk, but that doesn't mean you have to take care of me, I can take care of myself and..." she continued to stubbornly protest, the truth was that she hated to feel vulnerable, she hated feeling out of control and hated even more that because of a stupid punch in the face she couldn't be with her partner digging Howe a new one. "We can do that another day."
"Enough Olivia" Alex spat out "Enough, we are going to my apartment, you are going to lie down if necessary and when you are better we will talk. Please Liv." Alex sighed, softening her expression and letting her see the fear that she had felt when she had heard the news. "Please, for my own peace of mind."
And what could Olivia do against that, she sighed and agreed without saying anything more. Alex only had to look at her in a certain way and she would run the Boston marathon if she asked.
The nurse came in with the discharge papers and gave Olivia instructions that if she had headaches to take an ibuprofen and repeated what the Doctor had already instructed.
"Let's go, I don't want to be here another second." She stood up carefully, she felt a bit dizzy when she did and Alex was immediately at her side.
"Liv?" she asked doubting if it really was a good idea taking Olivia from the hospital.
"I'm fine." She clinched her teeth. "I haven't eaten in who knows how long, my glucose must be low or something." She confessed with a mumble and not daring to lift her face. She was sure that if she did Alex's look would be of censure.
Alex clinched her jaw swallowing the words of reproach that threatened to come out of her mouth; after all she hadn't eaten much either since this whole chain of misunderstandings began. "Let's go then."
Even though Olivia insisted that she could walk without help, Alex moved close to her to help out in case it was necessary. She was more than aware how stubborn the Detective was and that she wouldn't ask for help even if she was dying right there.
They left the hospital in silence; a cab was waiting at the door as soon as they were outside of the hospital and shortly they were on the way to Alex's PH. Olivia leaned back against the seat and closed her eyes, she could feel the attorney's worried gaze on her but at that moment she wasn't in the mood to argue. Not only was she still dizzy but Alex's closeness had her tied up in knots and apprehensive about their conversation that she knew had to be done sooner or later. She was afraid of what she would say to the attorney and at the same time she wished that whatever it was would be either for them to continue with the most wonderful thing in her life or begin picking up the pieces of her broken heart.
Alex squeezed the bridge of her nose, the tension of what she carried on her shoulders since the argument with Olivia had gotten worse. Learning from Cragen that Liv was at the hospital left her shaken which was not helping her health since she was naturally thin. Damn it! She swore to herself, not only she had been waiting a whole week to clear things up with Olivia, but now she had to add a hostile detective with a slight concussion to the weight on her shoulders.
After about 20 minutes they came to a stop in front of her building, she nudged Olivia lightly and she opened her eyes and nodded getting out from her side without a word. She waited silently for Alex to join her before starting to walk, the truth was she waited not so much out of courtesy, but that she wasn't sure she could walk by herself, but those few moments that she waited for Alex helped her to control the nausea and dizziness she was feeling.
"Come on, as soon as we are upstairs you can lie down on the sofa and I'll order something to eat." Alex informed her walking beside Olivia.
Minutes later Alex was opening the door and Olivia headed straight for the sofa where she left herself fall slowly. She felt as if her head would explode, she was sure it wasn't so much the bump on her head as much as a lack of food that was giving her the headache. She couldn't recall when she had last eaten. She had taken a couple of coffees in the morning along with a bagel, but she hadn't had a real meal in over a day.
Once Alex shut the door she went directly to the kitchen where she had a list of take out menus within a five mile radius next to the phone.
"Liv, what do you want to eat?" She called out from the kitchen.
Olivia opened her eyes and thought about it for a second.
"Whatever you want Alex, but something not too greasy." Liv said, she didn't think that greasy food would sit well with her right now since her stomach was still upset.
"Ok" Alex responded and called for Chinese food. Once she had placed the order she returned to the living room with a glass of water and a couple of ibuprofens. "Here" she extended her hands out to Olivia. "I'm sure you could use these."
Olivia pursed her mouth but accepted; once she had taken the pills she closed her eyes again. Alex took the glass and set it on the coffee table. She looked at Olivia for a moment in doubt before letting her know she was going to change her clothes for something more comfortable. Normally if things weren't so tense between them she would have told Liv to change as well, after all the detective had some of her clothes there.
Alex removed her suit and put on yoga pants and an old Harvard shirt, she was about to take out some pants and a t-shirt for Olivia so she could change when she remembered that Elliot was going to stop by in a couple of hours. Unless she wanted to come up with a reason why Olivia had clothes in her apartment, it would probably be better to leave things as they were for now. Once Elliot had left she would invite Olivia to change and lay down. Where? If after eating the detective was in shape to talk at length, then they would see.
The food took about 45 minutes to arrive, during that time Alex kept busy reading some documents on the Howe's case as she waited for the others that Elliot was bringing by. Once the food arrived, she paid the deliveryman and returned to the living room with the food, setting it on the coffee table.
"Liv, the food is here." She said softly so as not to startle the detective who continued with her eyes closed. "I'm going to go get some napkins and plates."
Olivia opened her eyes and nodded. When Alex returned she divided up the food and passed a plate to Olivia, who with a soft 'thank you' began to eat once she had assured herself that she wasn't going to have to run to the bathroom. During the time it had taken for the food to arrive the dizziness had subsided a bit as well as the pain.
As Alex ate she watched Olivia out of the corner of her eye, studying her, she felt impatient and Alex Cabot was not a woman that waited patiently and she was searching for a sign of weakness that would indicate that the conversation would have to be postponed. But Olivia appeared to be feeling better; the food was probably giving her energy that her body direly needed to recoup from her ordeal.
Finally after half an hour, Olivia set her plate down and Alex did the same. "I'm going to take this to the kitchen." Alex commented getting to her feet at the same time she picked up the bags and empty containers. It didn't take her long to do it; she was back in less than 10 minutes. She sat in front of Olivia who raised her gaze to look at the attorney.
"Do you think we can talk now?" Alex asked tentatively.
"If you wish" Liv murmured a bit apprehensively, lowering her gaze.
"Olivia it's not if I wish to, it's that you and I have to talk." Alex said in exasperation. "For God sake, it's been over a week since we've talked, and I don't know what the hell is happening between us. You refuse to answer my calls, not even when it's about work will you talk to me unless it's absolutely necessary. What the hell I did so wrong for you to treat me likes this?" Alex painfully exclaimed.
"What did you do? You have the nerve to ask me that?" Olivia practically yelled. "Don't insult me Alexandra, I know that I shouldn't have disappeared without calling you or letting you know that I was leaving, but damn it, I tried getting in touch with you on Thursday but you're cell kept going straight to voice mail and I thought you were avoiding me. I went to your house that same night and you were leaving with "George" holding his hand and clinging to him, so I just left. It was obvious that you didn't have time to call me. I wanted to say I was sorry and at the same time tell you what I was feeling, but for what? You were way too busy making goo-goo eyes at your "friend" for you to even be aware that I was there seeing you and feeling totally stupid with myself."
"Did it ever occur to you to think that if I didn't answer you I had a good reason?" Alex retorted. "You know I would be at court all day, but that wasn't the reason I didn't answer. Some idiot crashed into me when I was talking on the cell with Cragen about the Rasmus case and the cell went flying." Alex explained "and someone that was walking by couldn't avoid stepping on it. It was destroyed, I had to replace it. I didn't get another cell until the next day which they delivered to my apartment. Even so the cell is not the only phone I have Olivia, I do have an office phone and the apartment phone. You did not leave a single message.
"I didn't have my cell with me." Olivia protested. "Wednesday when I went looking for you I found you with your "friend." She said friend as it was something that smelled bad. "I was going to tell you that I had the afternoon free and that Cragen had given me an extra free day. Did you know I had been working almost three days without rest, barely sleeping or eating? I went directly from the precinct to your office to let you know, but damn it you were there with "him." She hunched her shoulders. . "I'm sorry but it filled me with jealousy and rage. Combine that with my lack of sleep and food and the frustration of it being so long without seeing you, that just knowing that you were going out once again and with that..."friend" well just pushed me over the edge. That's why I left your office; I knew that if I stayed I would say something I would regret. I needed to rest before attempting to think straight."
"And that's why you disappeared for three days" Alex asked in surprise. A part of her understood what Olivia was trying to say, but another part didn't understand why the detective had disappeared for so long without a single call or note. "Olivia, Thursday night I went looking for you at your apartment, I called your place several times, I kept getting a busy tone on your cell. I knocked and not only didn't you answer but you didn't answer any of my calls or messages."
Olivia starred at her contritely. "I didn't get any calls because my phone was off the hook and I didn't know it. And Wednesday night I just took my clothes off when I got home and hit the bed and fell to sleep as soon as I hit the pillow. My cell was dead and I forgot to set it to charge. The next day I woke up at midday and I was starving, so I went out to eat because I didn't have anything in the apartment and I tried to call you from a public phone but it went to voicemail. After that I returned home and did a few chores. I picked up, wash clothes and that's when I noticed that the phone was off the hook, I put it back and after my shower and with the cell fully charged I went to your place. I saw you with him and..." She stopped, and as she listened to her explanations she could see where all the misunderstandings between them had come about and she felt like an idiot.
"And what Olivia?" Alex insisted now angry with Olivia for being so insecure and jumping to conclusions.
"I went to a bar." Olivia finally said. "I had a few drinks still furious I returned home where I drank more beer while in my head the image of you hanging on to that idiot kept repeating itself over and over. I went to bed past 11 and I suppose that I didn't hear the phone or the door.
"You were drunk." Alex pointed out.
"Yes." Liv acknowledged without lifting her gaze and starring fixedly at her hands as if they could give her answers to her problem.
"But that doesn't explain why you didn't answer my messages. I left you several on the answering machine." Alex exclaimed. "I understand that you didn't receive them before, but why didn't you answer later?
"I didn't see them; after I woke up I packed a suitcase and took the train to Albany. I called Cragen asking him for a couple of days and to tell Elliot that I wouldn't be there. "I was angry." She confessed "angry and confused, seeing you with him felt horrible. I hate seeing you with anyone else even if you swear that you're only for social purposes, it's the same thing. I hate that you have to do it, I hate that we have to hide our relationship as if it was something dirty. It doesn't matter that the reason is valid, I still hate it, but what I hate the most is to see you with others... men." Confessed Liv as tears ran down her cheeks that she didn't even realize were pouring down her face in anger she stood and wiped the tears turning her back to Alex "But I did call you Alex, now I know that your cell was out of service for that day, but I called you from Albany. I called you when I got back, several times, you never answered, not even the cell, not even the phone at home, nothing" she painfully reproached.
"I was upset too Olivia. I didn't know what was going on, at least not completely." Alex explained, realizing now that she too was at fault for not having answered the calls "after looking for you on Thursday and that you didn't answer the phone or the door. I was furious with you and on Friday I was very busy at court. Besides that same day I went directly from work to the Hamptons, I didn't stop at my PH, my mother asked me to go spend the weekend with her. I didn't get back until Monday and went straight to the office. It wasn't until that night that I got back home and I kept my cell phone off, Serena covered me this past weekend.
Olivia didn't say anything, her posture rigid and antagonistic. The attorney starred at Olivia's back with tormented eyes, now realizing just how much that was hurting the detective, to have to suffer through her social dates. She though that the topic had already been cleared up and she thought that Liv had understood her need to attend these events, not only for the obligation she owed to the Cabot Foundation, but also, for her own political ambitions. But after Olivia's reaction it was apparent that they had not really talked about the repercussion of those outings but that Olivia had not been totally honest when she said she understood.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Alex disconcertedly asked. "I thought we had already discussed it?"
"A part of me understands Alex, really it does." Olivia said in a defeated voice. "I understood the need for you to attend those functions for your political ambitions. But I had never seen you before on the arm of another. The other times I was aware of it, but had never seen you. It hurt me very much Alex, it hurts just to think about it. That's why I left. I needed to think, analyze things. I didn't know you had been looking for me, I didn't know you had tried to call me. Nevertheless on the Monday I returned I wanted to talk to you but you cut me off abruptly, and when I went looking for you, your friend was there. He opened the door and told me that you were showering." She mouthed as she ground her teeth, just recalling what she felt almost made her double over in pain. "I thought that you had thought things over and had decided to go with the better option."
Alex got to her feet and moved closer to Olivia causing her to turn to look at her. She was only going to say it once and only once and she wanted to do it looking straight into the detective's eyes. when I got back to the house that Monday, I was going to change then go looking for you; I didn't want to talk to you at the precinct because it wasn't the time or the place; besides I had several appointments at court and I couldn't stop to think, I had to have all my concentration on work. I had a horrible weekend thinking of you and what had happened between us, without knowing what do to, not knowing if I had lost you, I didn't know Olivia!"
The detective hunched her shoulders when she saw the distress in Alex's eyes.
"He was waiting for me when I got home, I invited him in and told him to give me a few minutes since I had another engagement that I could not postpone so I couldn't stay and talked with him or whatever he wanted. He insisted on waiting for me. It was when you arrived and he told you the truth, I was showering, but it wasn't to go out with him. When I came out he told me that you had been there, I knew immediately what you would think and I told him that he had to go because I had things to do. He reluctantly left and I ran to call you on the phone. You hung up on me Olivia." She accused.
"Alex, I was working on a case!" She tried to justify herself. "It was Howe's first killing."
"Now I know it was that case Olivia, but at that moment I was desperate to speak with you, to explain everything to you and you just hung up on me! You did not even give me an opportunity to say anything; then there was no time to talk, the case turned out to be a serial killer and now this" She indicated her face that now showed the signs of the hits she'd gotten when they had arrested Howe.
"I know Alex, I know..." Alex moved near and placed her fingers over her lips.
"Liv I love you, that hasn't changed but we can't risk failing to communicate; I need you to confide in me and tell me what you feel, what you really feel. I didn't know that my social dates were affecting you the way they were. I didn't know you were feeling so bad about it. Just as I didn't know that you weren't answering because you thought you saw something that wasn't and you weren't in any condition to hear the phone" When Olivia tried to protest she hurried to add. "I know what you saw Liv, but it wasn't like that. Liv, I love you and you have to trust in me and the love that I have for you."
"Forgive me Alex" Liv pleaded. "I know I was being an idiot and let my insecurities get the best of me; I know we can't be open with our relationship for professional reasons, but I also know that I don't like that you have to go out with others so you can meet your social obligations. I can't help but go crazy from jealousy when I think that you are with someone else, no matter how platonic it is. I'm sorry.
"No Liv, forgive me." Alex begged, hugging her. "For not seeing it as you did, for me it was just a social function, just another of many and now I see how I have hurt you. I know that if our positions were reversed I would be crazy with jealousy too. I need you to forgive me, I'll find a way. I don't want to hurt you Liv, I love you too much. You are my life and these few days without you were hell." She confessed all the pain that all those days had caused.
"I love you." She hugged her tighter. "I know there will be times that you'll have to attend these events and I know that we need to think how to fix this, but you are right, we need to communicate better, It's the only way that this will work and I don't want to lose you Alex. You are also my whole life. I was afraid at the thought that I might have ruined everything, the best thing that has ever happened to me."
But instead of Alex saying anything else, she pulled away and searched for her mouth, kissing her lips but not with the urgency that usually overtook her at a single touch, but with all the love she felt for her, it was a kiss full of promises and forgiveness.
When they finally separated both breathed contentedly and without letting each other go they remained that way for a while, just enjoying their closeness. Feeling safe in each others arms, there was no where else that either of them wanted to be at that moment but in each others arms reaffirming their love.
"Elliot will be here soon." Alex murmured against her neck.
"I know" Liv sighed. "Would you mind if I go to bed? I want to take a shower and I'm sure you'll be busy for a while getting ready for the arraignment."
"Ok, but Elliot will probable ask me where you are when he gets here."
"I know" She pulled away only enough so that she could look into her eyes. "I think we should at least tell Elliot. He's my partner and I trust him. Besides I need his support, he'll be able to cover our backs."
Alex looked at her for a moment before agreeing. "You are right; I think it would be for the best, but not yet, in a few days perhaps. Is that ok with you? You're tired and with that concussion I don't think now is the best time. But yes, we should tell him, Ok? I know you'll know best when to tell him."
"Ok." She kissed her softly. "If he asks where I'm at and if I'm still in the shower just tell him that. If not just say I'm sleeping in the guest room. I don't think he'll insist on seeing me, besides you'll remind him that you have to wake me in a while and it's better to let me sleep.
"Alright" she said giving her a quick kiss. "Go take your shower while I continue going over this."
Alex watched as Olivia made her way to the bedroom. Her step was steady and there didn't seem to be any signs of dizziness. With a happy smile she licked her lips where she could still taste Liv. She sighed and went over to the table in order to get ready for the interview. Just as she was getting lost in the sea of paperwork she remembered something. She stood and headed to the kitchen. She riffled through a drawer and took something out that she pressed into her hand.
She went to the bedroom and she could hear clearly the shower through the slightly open bathroom door. One of Olivia's habits was to never shower with the door completely shut, always listening for any strange sounds. She noticed that the detective had placed her shield and gun on the bedside table on the side that she had picked for herself. The first night she spent at the attorney's PH, Liv noticed where the phone and clock was indicating that Alex slept on the right side. Therefore, Olive put her things on the left. Alex turned to look at the bathroom door and listened as Liv began to finish her shower. She left the keys on the detective's shield and left the room, just in time to hear the doorbell ring. She went to let Elliot in.
Olivia came out of the bathroom wearing Alex's robe and went directly towards the dresser where Alex kept her clothes. She removed a pair of boxer's and a t-shirt. She left the robe on a chair and got dressed. She took the robe back to the bathroom and after brushing her teeth she turned off the light and went to bed. Just as she was about to check her cell in case Elliot should call she noticed something on top of her shield. It was a set of new keys, she knew what they were for, and she had seen their owner use them several times. They were the keys to the PH, the keys to Alex's home. Olivia took both keys reverently looking at them with a goofy smile on her face. Her first thought was to go running out and hugging the attorney but just then she heard Elliot's voice and paused.
"Later" she said to herself, she found her own keys and threaded the keys into the key ring. With a deep sigh of contentment she pulled back the comforter and slipped under the sheets "tomorrow, when we go to my place, tomorrow" and with the thought in her head Olivia Benson fell happily asleep.
Continued...