Chapter 14 True Lies

 

 

Olivia Benson thought she knew pain, desperation, anguish, desolation, and hopelessness; she was intimate with death and had never hesitated to face it.

 

In her line of work, it was impossible not to maintain yourself at the edge of those grotesque and disheartening situations that she needed to confront in a daily basis, it was impossible to remain insensitive to them.  It was just that perfect balance that Olivia had managed to maintain although precariously that made her try to find the strength each day, early morning or hour to find justice for the victims.

 

Detective Olivia Benson was not unfamiliar to any of those emotions, on the contrary, she knew them too well to be able to understand them and be able to confront them and come out winning when these threatened to drown her.  Although the price at times was very high, the ability to come out ahead of such painful situations, she had been able to accomplish it until this day.

 

However, at that moment, Olivia could not count on that strength, or the wherewithal to try to move forward.  Each breath, each beat of her heart was a perpetual signal of tearing pain.  Olivia felt less than human, just a shell of skin and bone that refused to die but that had no life.  Death would not be punishment enough; death would not free her from suffering.  Olivia did not deserve a simple death.

 

It had only been a few hours that the doctor had said, “I’m sorry, she lost too much blood, and we couldn’t do anything.”  Before disappearing back from where he had come from and leaving behind him a stunned detective, as Stabler moved closer to her not knowing what to do.  For everyone else Olivia and Alex were only co-workers, good friends but nothing else, they couldn’t imagine how far from the truth that was.  Olivia and Alex were much more than friends, even more than just girlfriends, they were lovers, two women determined to do anything before losing each other.  So Elliot wasn’t sure what he should do to comfort Olivia, nor was he sure that Liv would allow it.

 

Capitan Cragen’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts, Olivia continued staring as if hypnotized at the doors through which the doctor had appeared, gave them the heartbreaking news, and didn’t seem to be aware of the Captain’s presence.  Elliot, always the loyal Elliot, turned to Cragen shaking his head in response to the Captain’s silent question.  In reality, not much time had passed between the attempt on Alex’s life, her transfer to the hospital and the vain attempt of the medical team to try to save her life.  So people like Branch, Cragen and even Hammond were just arriving.  Alex’s mother had been out in the Hamptons and was still on her way. 

 

Olivia could barely recall what happened after, what she did remember however was Elliot's strong presence by her side, talking to her, trying to be strong for her and at the same time offering her comfort that he knew she desperately needed.  However, Olivia was totally numb by the pain in which she was in at the moment, tearing her up inside to take much notice.  She recalled answering all of Stabler’s questions, even insisting that he should leave once he had dropped her off at her apartment.  Olivia needed to be alone; she knew that she desperately needed to learn to be alone, alone once more.

 

Elliot seemed reluctant to leave her; he was afraid for Liv; afraid that in the emotional state that Olivia was in now she would do something crazy.  However, Olivia looked him in the eyes, eyes that were normally warm and alive and were now dull and lifeless and it frightened the detective making him want to insist on staying with her.  Nonetheless, the tone of Olivia’s voice made him rethink his decision to remain with her.

 

 “I’m not a coward Elliot, I’ve never been.  Death would be more of a blessing than a punishment.”  She said enigmatically and with a phony smile.

 

Elliot swallowed hard, tightened his jaw as if he were about to say something more, as he knew what was going through Olivia’s mind in that instant, but he held back, agreed and pulled her toward him for a hug and whispered in her ear not to hesitate to call him if she needed to.  Olivia promised to do so and watched as he left.  Once alone, Olivia let herself fall to the floor, without strength, like a rag doll; still, not a single tear appeared in her eyes.

 

Only 48 hours ago, she had promised Alex’s mother that she would take care and protect her daughter for the rest of her life, love her and make her happy.  It had only been twelve hours ago that she and Alex had lunch and talked about the recent events at court after the DA had dropped the charges against Zapata.

 

Hours, minutes, seconds a blink of an eye and Olivia had lost everything.  Death would only be a blessing and Olivia wasn’t ready to forgive herself because after all she didn’t deserve any forgiveness.  Not after promising to take care of and protect with her life the woman she loved.  She had broken that promise without even trying.

 

Feeling as if the weight of the world were on her shoulders, Liv pulled herself up on shaky legs; it was as if all the strength in her body had vanished.  Walking as if she had swallowed a bottle of bourbon all at once, but Olivia refused to lose herself in a bottle of alcohol.  Olivia didn’t want to forget, on the contrary, she wanted to keep her memories of her life with Alex even if they were painful.  Moreover, she refused to fall prey to the alcohol, it was in her genes, she knew it would be easy to lose herself in it, to try to use it as a crutch on those cold and solitary days that her future had now become.  Nevertheless, Olivia wasn’t a coward nor would she run away from her responsibilities.  She knew she deserved punishment and was ready to suffer through whatever it was. A life without Alex.

 

Olivia went to her room and with shaky hands undressed and got into the shower.  She knew it was only a vain attempt to rid herself of the smell of blood that continued to penetrate her brain, the color of Alex’s blood, blood that she couldn’t stop and that had cost her lover her life.  The hot water did little or nothing to loosen the muscles that were as tight as a string.  With her eyes closed, she searched for the body gel and without much attention proceeded to wash herself when suddenly the scent assaulted her senses and her eyes opened up as wide as saucer’s.  It was Alex’s gel, ginger with orange blossom, Olivia let the sound of a wounded animal escape, and the tears that she had held back began to fall and shook her body violently.  Without an ounce of strength, she fell to the floor of the shower and curling up into an oval she squeezed herself around the shower gel as it were Alex’s body that she had in her arms.

 

It was only when the water turned cold that Olivia finally reacted and with her body numb from being in the same position for so long she got to her feet.  Without caring that the water was now cold, she picked up her own gel and carefully returned Alex’s next to all the other expensive products the attorney used for her bath then finished her shower.  Once she was done she wrapped herself in a towel and went to the bedroom, she put on a pair of boxers and an old Harvard t-shirt.  It was or had once belonged to Alex until she had made it her own, just as Alex had taken one of her old t-shirts from the police academy to sleep in.  A bittersweet smile appeared on her face at the memory.

 

They had been going out for a little over a month when one night the rain took Olivia by surprise and since she was already on her way to see Alex she simply hurried her steps and was soon at the front door of the attorney’s apartment.  As soon as Alex saw her she hurried to take her to her room and ordered her to remove the wet clothing while she prepared a hot tub for her.

 

When Olivia appeared in all her naked glory next to Alex who was preparing the bath she almost caused the blonde to fall into the tub from surprise.

 

“Christ Liv!”  Alex gasped, but not from fright, but for a very different reason.  “Uh, the bath is ready.”  Alex managed to say her heart trying to beat its way out of her chest.  They had yet to consummate their relationship and she knew that Olivia wanted to explore their relationship more.  To get to know each other as people before taking that step.  So only by pure self control that she didn’t know she had she moved aside with a smile for the detective so that she could get in the tub.

 

“I’m sorry Alex; it’s just that it’s cold.”  Liv gave her a lopsided smile that the attorney loved.  Olivia could see the pulse beating in Alex’s throat and the way she kept swallowing.

 

 “It’s no problem, take your bath, I don’t want you getting sick.”  Alex managed to say in a rough voice.  “I’m going to look for something for you to wear.”

 

“Ok”

 

Alex hurriedly left the elegant bathroom and Olivia shaking her head got in the tub.  She left a sigh of pleasure escape at the contact with the warm water that immediately began to sooth her muscles.

 

When she emerged thirty minutes later, a Harvard Law t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants lay on the bed.  She put them on and walked out barefoot in search of Alex who was at that moment coming out of the kitchen with two plates.

 

“Ready for dinner?”  Alex smiled, her eyes shining appreciatively.  “That shirt looks better on you than on me.”

 

“Hmm,” Liv smiled.  “Good cause I don’t plan to return it.”  Liv threatened with a mischievous look in her eyes.

 

“Ok, then I guess I won’t have to return yours.”  Alex confessed with a tinge of red in her cheeks.

 

 “Hey, so you’re the one that has it.”  She laughed and took a seat in front of Alex on the sofa.  “I was going crazy looking for it.  I thought that I had lost it at the Laundromat.”

 

“Hmm.”  Alex lowered her head blushing even more, but Olivia’s hand lifted her face, only to lose her gaze in that liquid chocolate of the detective’s eyes.

 

“I love you.  How about a trade?”  Liv offered.

“I would love that.”

 

“It’s a deal then.”

 

And from that day on Olivia kept the t-shirt and would wear nothing else at night unless she was spending the night with Alex.

 

A fresh wave of tears overtook Olivia who could only squeeze the pillow that still held Alex’s scent.

 

“Oh, Alex how am I gonna make it without you?”

 

The morning took forever to arrive for Olivia, in a zombie state, she changed clothes, and without even a coffee or anything met up with Elliot out front where he always waited for her.

 

“Hey Liv” Elliot greeted not knowing what else to say, to ask how she was, was stupid, he knew exactly what the answer would be.  It was written under her eyes in dark circles and that lost look in her eyes.  She was pale and a cold distance enveloped her.

 

 “Today is going to be a hell of a day.”  Olivia commented as she adjusted her seatbelt.

 

“Tell me about it,”  Not knowing if it was the right thing to do but knowing that he couldn’t hide it from her he decided it was probably best to come out with it now.  “It’s in all the papers, as expected.  Cragen already called me to tell me that IAB were on their way to the precinct to take our statements.”

 

“I wasn’t talking about that, I have to talk to Alex’s mother.”  She said closing her eyes as if that would hide the pain she felt at the mention of Alex’s mother.  “How the hell was am I going to tell her that I failed to protect her daughter?”

 

“Oh” Elliot said shaking her head and kept her thoughts to himself.

 

The rest of the trip was made in silence, Olivia’s gaze set out the window.  Elliot from time to time would look at her from the corner of his eye, squeezing his jaw with desperation at seeing his partner suffering.  He wished he could comfort her as he did with his own children, he wished he could tell her that everything would be fine, even if he knew it wouldn’t be.

 

When they arrived at the precinct, Olivia put her things away in her locker and sat at her desk in an attempt to distract herself, but the atmosphere at the precinct was deathly quiet.  None of the usual expectant energy that a possible new case brought was there.  However, the silence was overwhelming, none of the detectives dared to look at her, as if they were all ashamed that they could not prevent the attempt, as if they knew deep inside that they had failed.  That believing that Alex was safe because she had dropped the case had been a mistake that the attorney paid for with her life.

 

Olivia didn’t lose time and placed her black funeral band around her shield, which are worn when a fellow officer is killed.  Technically Alex Cabot was not a member of the police force but she was and always would be part of the team.  Therefore, without caring what IAB thought one way or the other she placed the band on.

 

When the Captain called her in when the IAB agents arrived, Olivia stared at the detective in charge of the investigation disdainfully and answered all his questions in a cold professional manner.  All her being wanted to scream at the injustice she felt, the rage, the pain that the death of the ADA meant to her, but as the experienced detective that she was, she managed to give her statement with barely a blink of an eye.  When they were done, she left without a single glance back and sat at her desk.

 

A call to her cell brought her out of her depressive contemplation; she had spent nearly an hour staring at the Ledger, featuring a picture of her lover and the “No Leads on slain A.D.A.” burning her eyes.  Without checking the caller ID she answered.

 

“Benson.”  She answered dryly.

 

“Detective Benson, I don’t think it’s necessary for me to identify myself.”  A woman’s well educated and elegant voice but nonetheless bitter said.  Olivia paled when she recognized the voice “I'm calling on behalf of my daughter, and as much as I wish I was the one laying dead, "Detective."  Mrs. Cabot spat out Olivia's title as if it were an insult, "But life doesn't always give us what we want."  You have a week to empty Alex’s penthouse.  You can keep anything you like, it doesn’t matter to me.  Alex is dead Detective Benson, dead.  You failed my daughter just as I knew you always would.”

 

“Ma’am, I...”  The sound of the dial tone resounding in her ear indicating the other party had hung up.  She brought her hand up to her forehead, brushed her bangs aside, and stared at the cell as if it would bite her.  “Damn it to hell!”

 

Elliot who sat in front of her had seen her turn pale at the call and waited attentively for it to end.  It was obvious that whomever it was that had called had not been pleasant.  “Who was it?”

 

“Alex’s mother” She said in a whisper, pressing her lips together.  “She hates me.”

 

“Liv don’t say that.”  Elliot kept his voice low so that Fin and Munch wouldn’t find out what they were talking about.

 

“Oh yes, yes she does El, and for good reason.”  Olivia spat out bitterly, with a hint of regret in her eyes. 

 

 “Liv it wasn’t your fault, if it’s anyone’s fault is the DEA for not being on the alert, for letting us believe that by releasing Zapata, Alex would be safe.”

 

“I should have been more alert, we should never have gone out, I should have taken her home and kept her protected there for a few days.  I knew what I should have done El, and I didn’t do it!  Now she’s dead, dead!”  Olivia closed her eyes trying to hide the tears that threatened to spill over.

 

Munch and Fin turned when Benson’s voice rose slightly; they exchanged looks with Elliot as the three sat in silence.  They knew that Olivia would be especially hit hard by Cabot’s death.  They had been witness to the growing friendship between them, especially after the Avery case and particularly the Cavanaugh case.  Olivia had always been a loner by nature, she could count her friends on one hand, and that Alex had been one of those was not in doubt.

 

It was barely six and Cragen ordered Olivia to go home and rest.  That Olivia didn’t protest in the least was enough for Elliot and Cragen to exchange worried looks.  At a nod from the Captain, Elliot stood from his chair, pulled on his coat and left after Olivia.

 

Olivia was so engrossed in her thoughts that it didn’t seem to matter that Elliot was following her.  The Detective walked with no particular destination in mind, she walked for a little over an hour when she raised eyes and suddenly realized where she was.  She was standing in front of the building where Alex had her penthouse.  She stood there for several minutes, her hands stuffed in the pockets of her leather jacket as tears ran down her cheeks.  In anger, she wiped them away and headed for the door.  As soon as the door attendant saw her, he got to his feet.

 

“I’m so sorry Detective Benson, it was such a great loss.”  George said in sympathy.

 

“I know George, I know.”  She smiled weakly. “Mrs. Cabot told me...”  The words stuck in her throat, she tightened her jaw trying to control herself.

 

 “I know, she called and spoke with the Super, we are here to help in whatever you need Detective Benson.”

 

“Thank you.  I’m going up and by the way, Detective Stabler will probably be here in a few minutes, you can tell him to go home, I’m fine.”

 

“Of course, good night.”  He said courteously.

 

“Good night George.”

 

She punched the button for the Penthouse and in a few minutes, she was standing in front of Alex’s front door.  Once more, she gave herself time to gather her strength to take the first step.  With shaky hands, she took out her keys from her pants pocket, picked out the Penthouse and after a couple of attempts managed to unlock the door.

 

The Penthouse was dark, only the lights from the city that came through the windows gave enough illumination to look for the light switch.  However, Olivia didn’t turn them on; with the familiarity of someone who is well known with their surroundings, Olivia headed directly to Alex’s bedroom.  If she had to begin somewhere, it would be here, where Alex’s presence could be felt much stronger.  She stopped at the doorway that was partially opened, Alex did not like leaving her bedroom door open when she wasn’t home, but she didn’t like to leave it complete closed either.

 

Olivia knew what she would find on the other side of the door, it had only been 24 hours more or less that she, and Alex had run out of the room because they were running late.  The bed left unmade and their sleeping attire all over the floor, the bathrobe on the bed and a blouse that Alex had left on next to it.  Olivia had woken the attorney up with soft kisses and caresses around five that morning, the blonde had woken up slowly with a smile on her face and with a sleep roughened voice asked Olivia what she was doing.  Not that she minded at all, if any she loved waking up like this, the kisses and caresses didn’t always end up with them making love in passionate abandon, but the fact that they could enjoy that love that Olivia so liberally demonstrated was like a blessing that she treasured.  The detective smiled and tilting her head slightly looked at her with all the love she had reflected in her chocolate brown eyes that she loved so much.  “Loving you” and she had proceeded to do exactly that.  It was well past 7:45 a.m. when they left for work.

 

She took a deep breath and opened the door, almost without paying attention she proceeded to pick up the room, almost as if she was waiting for Alex to come walking in any second grumbling that she hadn’t had time to pick up before she left.  As she proceeded, the tears would not stop falling across Olivia’s pained face, who suddenly let herself fall on the edge of the bed not knowing what do to next.  She hugged the NYPD t-shirt burying her face in it and breathing in the aroma that was clearly her lover’s.  The sobs that shook her body were heart wrenching, something in her insides was broken and she didn’t know if she could continue living when her heart was broken in so many pieces.

 

Her love for Alex was never in doubt.  What she felt for the attorney was never up for discussion.  Though she had resisted at first for fear of what might happen if she let down the walls around her heart, protecting it from a loss that she didn’t know if she could handle.  However, she never imagined she could feel like this, as if her heart had been ripped from her chest and in its place was an empty bloody hole that beat painfully and that at the same time wouldn’t let her die, remembering her at every beat that she was still alive and without her.

 

At some point Olivia finished picking up everything from the floor, completely numb by pain, without feeling but yet feeling each painful breath.  Dying would be a blessing and not punishment, she told to herself over and over.

 

When the walls began to close in around her, Olivia practically ran out of the Penthouse, she couldn’t, not yet, it was too much.  Not feeling capable of returning to her own apartment, she headed for the precinct.  She needed to do something, work, anything so long as she didn’t have to think, to feel, or to live.

 

Captain Cragen arrived at the precinct at 7 a.m. and wasn’t surprised to see Olivia concentrated on her DD5 pending cases.  From the size of the stack that was to one side, it was obvious that she had spent hours at it.

 

“Good morning, Olivia.”

 

“Captain” Olivia responded with a forced smile.

 

The Captain stopped by her desk for a moment, trying to think what to say.  Olivia looked exhausted.  “Olivia, I know that Alex was your friend and I understand that given the circumstances of what’s happened if you want to take a few days off to...”  He paused as if looking for the right words in order not to offend Olivia, who could easily take his advice as an affront to her professionalism, which had never been in question for a second, but it was obvious that the death of the attorney had hit his best detective especially hard, “assimilate.”

 

 “No Captain.”  Olivia immediately responded.  “It’s not necessary.  I can do my work, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

 

“Of course not Olivia, but Alex was part of the team and her death has affected all of us, but you and she were good friends.”

 

“Captain with all due respect what I need is to keep my mind busy, I didn’t take a single day off when my mother died so don’t expect me to take any now.”  She said angrily.  How could she make Cragen understand that being alone in her apartment was worse than being there?  Her previously solitary life was not a problem but since Alex had brought light into her life, returning to her former life was a purgatory.  Every corner, every nook, everything made her remember the woman that she loved, and that she had lost.

 

“Very well then.” Cragen nodded and continued walking to his office.

 

When the rest of the team arrived, no one made any comment about Olivia’s presence; even Elliot limited himself to only placing a coffee cup on her desk and start of his DD5 cases as if nothing was up.

 

It was well past 7 p.m. when Cragen came out of his office to ask what was happening with the witness of one of their current cases.  Elliot responded brusquely and before Cragen could remind him that it was his job to make the witness talk someone handed him a paper.

 

“Great, Zapata was found dead as he waited for his court appearance, there aren’t any witnesses.”

 

“Zapata was Velez extradition ticket.”  Fin observed.

 

Munch immediately jumped in.  “It wouldn’t surprise me if the government had sent a Delta force to have him executed.”

 

No one paid any mind to his recent conspiracy theory.

 

“DEA Agent Hammond wants to see you two tonight.”  Cragen continued as if Munch hadn’t spoken.  “Here is the address.”  He handed Olivia a piece of paper as she turned to look at Elliot with a frown, what more did the damn agent want from them?

 

“What for?”  Elliot asked harshly.

 

“So they can wrap up any lose ends on the case.”

 

Olivia and Elliot exchanged questioning looks and nodded in agreement.

 

When they were headed to the meeting, a couple of hours later neither of them said a word during the drive over.  Elliot and Olivia got out of the vehicle and Hammond did the same.

 

“What a lovely place.  How convenient”  Elliot remarked sarcastically.

 

 “Sorry, I didn’t want to do this.”  Hammond responded in barely hidden frustration.

 

“Do what.”  Olivia asked, feeling wary as she walked alongside Hammond in the direction of two SUV’s where several federal agents stood guard, her heart started beating erratically.

 

“Wouldn’t take no for an answer, what a pain in the ass this one.”

 

When they were standing in front of a black Suburban Agent Hammond stopped and a pair of US Marshall’s opened the door, the person that emerged from the vehicle left them both thunderstruck.  Olivia used all her police training to keep herself from jumping on the woman in front of her.

 

“I’m so sorry about all of this.”  Alex said in a scratchy voice.

 

Olivia could feel the way her eyes filled with tears as she studied that woman in front of her avidly, the woman whom up until a few minutes ago she thought dead.  Alex had her right arm in a sling; she wore a brown leather jacket and a scarf around her neck.  She looked pale and had dark circles under her eyes.

 

“Your funeral is tomorrow.”  Olivia managed to say in a strangled whisper.  Her whole being was screaming to grab Alex and never let her go.  Hammond’s voice was what stopped her.

 

 “You both should be there.  It would be best if Alex remained dead.  If Cesar Velez could get Zapata, he could do the same to her.”

 

“Witness protection” Elliot said understanding immediately.

 

“At least until Cesar Velez is extradited or otherwise dealt with.”  Alex confirmed.

 

Olivia took a step forward and in a broken voice asked what her reasonable mind refused to accept “for how long?”

 

Olivia’s heart broke once again to see Alex look at her so desperately; begging with her eyes to try to understand something, which in reality was incomprehensible for either of them.  They looked into each other’s eyes as if wishing to communicate in that way what they each needed to hear but could not express with so many people around.  For several seconds, that was only a short breath, they exchanged promises and a silent declaration of love that were more painful than heartening.  In that moment, hope was only a dagger in the heart, which for the detective was already in pieces.

 

 “We have to go.”  A voice said and Alex turned to get back into the vehicle without taking her eyes off Olivia.  The detective blew out a breath in an effort to control herself and not throw herself at Alex so she wouldn’t leave.

 

When she was inside the SUV, Alex once again searched out Olivia, as if saying goodbye but at the same time giving her the strength that she knew, the detective needed to let her go.  She looked at Elliot one last time then at Olivia, the door shut and within seconds had gone.  Olivia turned to look at Elliot; he could clearly see the desperation she felt in her eyes.

 

When the caravan of Federal vehicles disappeared, Olivia collapsed; Elliot barely had time to catch her in his arms as violent sobs wracked the body of his partner.

 

“She’s alive, alive.”  She kept repeating in a broken voice.

 

 

“You need to be strong Liv, for her.”  Elliot comforted not sure what else to say.

 

He held his sobbing partner for several minutes until she pulled away wiping her face with certain fury and pain.

 

“I know.  Do you have something to do this weekend?”  Olivia asked as she straightened and Elliot once again saw the light in the detective’s eyes that had been extinguished.  It was as if Olivia had come back to life.

 

“Well, I don’t know.”

 

“I need help to take Alex’s things to a warehouse.”

 

“Alex?”  He stared at her uncomprehendingly.

 

“Yes, that’s what her mother called me for.  She said I had a week to empty Alex’s Penthouse, that I could keep everything if I wanted it.”

 

“Everything?”  Elliot repeated in surprise.  He had been in Alex’s Penthouse on a couple of occasions and he knew what it contained could easily send all of his kids to college without a problem and still have some leftover.

 

“Yes, I wasn’t thinking of doing so, I just thought I’d pick up my things and some stuff that Alex and I had bought together, aside from her personal things.  But I am not going to let Alex’s life go to as if she didn’t exist.  Alex is going to return and I want everything that belongs to her to be waiting when she does.  In fact, if her mother thinks that by doing so I am a fortune hunter I don’t give a damn.  She said she didn’t care if I kept everything, that her daughter was dead.  I know that if it had been up to her I would never set foot in the Penthouse again but I also know that she’s doing it because that’s what Alex would have wanted.  “She chose me.”  Olivia thought to herself and that’s what hurts the most.  “She’s just being courteous because that was Alex’s last wish.”  She added in a whisper.

 

Elliot had no way of knowing it, but the last time that Alex had spoken to her mother, she had made it clear that Olivia not only was the woman she loved but that if she had to give up everything that the name Cabot represented she would do it before giving up Olivia.  That had been the reason why the detective had gone to see Alex’s mother.  To tell her that she loved her daughter and how it hurt Olivia to see the rift that was forming between her and Alex.  Both women had come to an agreement.  Mrs. Cabot understood that Alex would not be changing her mind and Olivia knowing that even if she weren’t completely accepted by the mother of her partner, she would at least recognize her place in her daughter’s life as a partner for good or bad.

 

“But...”  Elliot shook his head.  “She’s not keeping Alex’s stuff?

 

“It would seem so, will you help me?” Liv asked again.

 

“Of course I will.”

 

“Fine, I’ll get a storage unit tomorrow and I’ll start packing.”

 

Elliot agreed and both headed for the car.  When Stabler asked where he could drop her off, Olivia didn’t hesitate.

 

“To Alex’s place.  I have a lot to do.”

 

Almost an hour later Olivia entered the Penthouse and turned on the lights, looking around her with determination.

 

“I’m bringing you back Alex, I swear it.”

 

With a determined step, she headed for the bedroom, took out a pair of suitcases, and started putting away Alex’s cloths with a firm hand and a new resolution in mind.

 

Alex was alive and even if it was going to be hard, to live without her Olivia knew what it was to experience thinking she was dead only 24 hours ago.  Nothing could be worse.

 

“You will come back to me Alex, I know you will.”  Olivia said closing the first suitcase that she had carefully filled with the expensive and designer suits that belonged to the attorney.  “I know you will return.”

 

Repeating that like a mantra, Olivia felt each hour that passed was beginning to have meaning again.  Her Alex was alive and for now that was the only thing that really mattered.  The only important thing, the world could believe that she was dead; the whole world had to believe it, but only Olivia knew the truth.

 

Her Alex was alive and for now that was enough, it had to be.

 

 

Chapter 15 Revelations

 

 

Alex realized over the next two days that Casey always went to go visit Olivia early in the morning, just after 8 and would return just before 7 in the evening.   So even though she kept hidden she also kept close to observe her, asking herself why she kept visiting her daily and was so concerned for her.  There was something in the ADA’s attitude that perturbed Alex.  She couldn’t help but feel jealous, who was she really?  Elliot told her that they were only friends and colleagues but she felt that there was something more and she wasn’t sure that she wanted to know what it was.

 

She confided in Olivia blindly, but an entire year and a half had passed and even if she hadn’t intended to, she might have felt lonely, needing something that she didn’t have at the moment.  Alex knew it, she knew what it was like to need comforting, and she knew how easy it was to fall into that trap.  She had been at the point of falling in the same one, but at the end she couldn’t.  Her love for Olivia was too deep to blemish it with a night of temporary comfort.  The only one that could give it to her was Liv no one else.

 

Upset with herself for the course her thoughts were taking she concentrated on her internet purchases.  Her mother had brought her a laptop with wi-fi the day before and left one of her credit cards so that she could buy clothes and whatever else she liked.  She could have the things delivered to her house so that she could later bring them to the hospital.

 

Alex felt strangely happy, liberated; it had been over a year that she couldn’t give herself the luxury of buying without looking at the price.  After living all her life without knowing any of that before her time under the WPP made her feel really bad and ashamed of herself.  She knew that it wasn’t her fault she was born into a wealthy family, but having had to live as someone without resources was a complete shock and took her awhile to get used to living off a small salary.  Being objective, the truth was that “Emily” lived in a small town in Wisconsin that did not have a Saks or any designer stores where she could shop at.  Besides she didn’t have a need to dress to the nines, nonetheless, she did miss Luigi’s even Starbucks was better than nothing, the Carnegie Deli with their imported cheeses, good wines, not to mention  the French beauty products that she was used to or being able to go the Met or Broadway to see a good show. Get used to that kind of basic lifestyle was a shock.

 

For that reason, it wasn’t so strange that she felt liberated, a bit odd over the feelings she was now having, perhaps it was true that shopping –if only by internet– was therapeutic, at the same time, perhaps it was from the good news that the doctor had just given her.  This evening they would take Liv out of her induced coma and Alex wanted to buy Liv a few things to make her feel better.

 

 She knew that Olivia wouldn’t be able to walk the first few days but it was important that the detective should start taking a few steps daily once she was conscious and had more strength.  The doctor had told Alex that in a week from that day Olivia had to start going to therapy to recover.  The muscles atrophy quickly when one is in bed for a good length of time, as she had been, adding to the all the internal damage her body had already suffered which would result in a lot of pain for several days.

 

Olivia had been transferred to a regular room; Alex assured herself that it was a private double room, with a privacy curtain between the beds, that way she could hide when it was necessary.  Even though the visits for Olivia were restricted to the SVU detectives and Casey Novak, the later was the one she had to be careful with, at least she already knew at what time she came by, although usually Munch was the one that kept her updated as far as when Novak was planning to visit Liv.  Elliot gave her a disposable cell so she could stay in touch in case of any emergency; it had been at least a day since she had seen him.  In reality she only stayed in contact with the SVU detectives by cell.  It would seem they had a very complicated case on their hands that required the whole team’s attention and with Liv out of the picture it only made it harder.

 

When it came time to take Liv off of the meds that kept her in the induced coma, Alex was a bundle of nerves, her mother had gone to see her during the morning and had taken her a couple of books to read, so once she had finished with her purchases she tried to read, still she couldn’t concentrate.  Just knowing that Olivia would soon be free of the induced coma had her anxious, asking herself how she would react to her presence.  Would she know it was her?  She knew she hadn’t changed much, her hair was a little longer and she was a bit thinner otherwise she was the same.

 

 

The doctor came in and smiled at Alex.  “Well, it’s time.  I’ll be removing the sedatives that maintain Detective Benson in the coma; we will have to wait for her to recover consciousness slowly over the next half hour or so.  Don’t expect her to recognize you or that she remain awake for more than a few minutes.  Even though we will be removing the coma inducing sedatives she will continue to be slightly sedated so that her body can start adapting to the pain that she will feel when she recovers consciousness.  If you notice that she is in a lot of pain, push this button” he pointed the morphine drip “The detective had progressed satisfactorily and I expect a full recovery although lengthy.  The bullets that penetrated her body luckily didn't damage any of her vital organs other than causing a collapsed lung.  We managed to recover the lung without any secondary effects.  In all it will take some time to recover from the damage.  The rib is already fusing which was what caused the hemorrhaging when it fragmented.” He explained.

 

Alex closely watched what the doctor was doing, how he made some notations on the chart and left with a smile.  The attorney placed herself to one side of Olivia and took her hand.  She could definitely tell that Liv was already feeling warmer, it looked like her body was recovering well from the severe loss of blood although she still looked pale but no longer had that deathly look that she had at first.

 

Alex didn’t remove her eyes from Liv, waiting for any sign that indicated that the detective was recovering consciousness.  After several minutes, it wasn’t any movement that Liv made, but the rhythm of her breathing that alerted Alex of Liv’s imminent consciousness.  Her breathing became deeper and less mechanical.  Alex moved closer, squeezing her hand without realizing it.  The muscles in Liv’s face contracted painfully, an involuntary reflex.  Liv’s eyelids moved slightly.

 

Before the doctor had left he suggested that the main lights be turned off to avoid that these might bother Liv, since she had had her eyes closed for so long, a bright light might cause her discomfort and perhaps even some pain if she moved suddenly to avoid the light. Not realizing that she was holding her breath, Alex noticed how Liv’s eyelids began to move as if she were trying to fight to open them.  Which in fact was the case, Liv opened her mouth slightly and opened her eyes only to close them again, she tried to open them once again and a shadow appeared before her, her eyes were not cooperating, she closed them and once again opened them and tried to focus.  She let out a mewl and closed her eyes when her brain registered the pain assaulting her body.  She once again opened her eyes and a golden halo invaded her pupils.  A face formed in front of her, but it couldn’t be for real, she was hallucinating.  She felt her eyelids so heavy and they slowly closed again, she tried everything she could to open them again and focus...

 

“Alex?”  Her voice barely a whisper “Alex?”  She repeated and she would swear that she heard her voice.

 

“Yes, Liv, it’s me. Alex.”  Alex answered in an emotionally broken voice.

 

“Alex.”  Olivia breathed before falling into a deep sleep once again.

 

Tears ran liberally down the attorney’s face, Olivia had recognized her, she knew she was there.  Without being able to contain herself any longer Alex broke down in tears, tears of relief and happiness just knowing that Olivia would be fine.  Soon she would be looking into her eyes and hearing her voice.  Oh Liv.  She took Olivia’s hand that she had been holding to her lips and kissed it reverently as tears continued to track down her cheeks and the hours and days waiting in anguish disappeared just knowing that Liv would be well.  She didn’t know how much time had passed as she cried and held on the Liv’s hand as if her life depended on it, just waiting for Liv to wake up once again. 

 

Olivia awoke once again about an hour later but only for a few seconds.  She asked for water barely opening her eyes and Alex hurried to put a chip of ice between her lips that the nurse had left earlier in case she woke up again.  Even though Liv had recovered consciousness briefly Alex wasn’t so sure that Olivia was really aware that she was there.

As she washed her face to clean away the tears that stained her face she felt the cell vibrate and she checked it, it was a message from Munch, “CN ETA 2” Damn, she thought to herself.  It wouldn’t give her a chance to get out of the bathroom; she would just have to hope that the attorney wouldn’t need to use it.

 

Just as Munch had indicated, Casey Novak came in moments later.  Alex observed her carefully from between the slightly cracked door that was fortunately to Novak's back. She narrowed her eyes when she noticed how Novak took Liv’s hand in hers.

 

 “Hey Liv, Elliot told me that they would be taking you out of your coma tonight.  You have no idea how happy that made me feel.  We really miss you at the precinct.  I really miss you.”  She smiled at her own confession.  “You know something?  I can’t believe it this is happening to me.  I went home for a few days because I just couldn’t think.  I felt strange and I didn’t know why."

 

Alex listened carefully to Casey’s words and frowned, she didn’t like the tone in the attorney’s voice. It took all of her self control not to run out of the bathroom and yank Liv’s hand away from her.  She wanted to make it very clear to Casey Novak, in a cavewoman sort of way, that Olivia Benson was off limits and engaged to her!

 

“I’ve thought a lot about this Liv, and it still takes me by surprise.  You don’t know how many times I’ve gone around with this.  When I met you there was such sadness in your eyes that I couldn’t keep from asking myself who could have hurt you in that way.  In your eyes was such desolation, as if you had lost your best friend or lover.  I asked myself why. Wondering who could be so stupid as to hurt you.  And I only wanted to make you laugh once again.  Ever since I was assigned to SVU many told me that you were SVU’s angel and then once I saw you dealing with the victims I understood.  You have a huge heart; it’s inevitable not to care for you, to admire you."

 

Alex’s eyes filled with tears forgetting completely the jealousy that she felt when she heard Casey Novak describe the first few days of her supposed death, because she knew that the pain in Olivia’s eyes were due to her and to find out from someone else how much her Liv had suffered broke her heart.

 

“I still remember the times you refused to accept an invitation to lunch or to dinner after preparing your testimony or waiting for a verdict.  On the other hand, I could see in your eyes that you realized I was just trying to make you laugh.  Several times I surprised you looking off into the distance, as if you were asking yourself if it was a good idea to start a friendly relationship with me aside from a professional one.”  Casey laughed lightly.  “Remember the first time that you accepted to go with me to the Knicks game, after listening to me lament that I didn’t want to go alone since my friend had cancelled?  It was the first of many.  Not only did you go with me to the game but you discovered that I lived close by and soon we run together when the weather permitted it."

 

Alex felt her heart stop as she heard Novak narrate to Liv what they had done together.  No, no, it wasn’t true, her mind screamed did she comfort you when you were lonely, Liv?

 

“I never thought that you would enjoy softball, you don’t know how it felt to have someone from the precinct that I could go with and practice softball with and could understand my need to pass hours in the batting cage trying to beat the ball to pieces exorcising the demons.  Do you remember that time we went to the King Tut Exhibit inauguration those crazy theories about his death?  You made me laugh like I haven’t laughed in a long time.  You made me remember that after all there was always a tomorrow and renewed hope.”

 

Alex was about to come out to demand some answers when Olivia opened her eyes, causing Casey to release a surprised gasp.

 

 “Liv!”

 

“Casey?  Olivia asked a bit disoriented and in a scratchy voice from disuse.  She looked around looking for someone she was sure had been there before.  “Wha...whe...?”

 

 “You want some water?  Let me get the nurse.”  Casey hurried out in search of the nurse.

 

Olivia closed her eyes for a moment; she was so sure that Alex had been there.  Tears formed in her eyes, it had only been a dream.  Alex had been a just a fucking dream! She was all alone.  Alex hadn’t been there!  Her broken heart screamed.

 

Alex was about to come out, she could see the pain in Liv's face when she realized that it was Casey and not her at her side. She knew she couldn't.  With her heart tightening and wishing with all of her heart that she could run to Liv's side, Alex closed the door carefully and leaned against it, as the tears ran down her cheeks.  It wasn’t fair; she should be the one hugging and comforting Olivia, assuring her that everything would be alright.  Nonetheless, now Alex must hide in the bathroom like some fugitive letting another woman offer words of comfort to the woman she loved.  It was too much, Alex squeezed her fists to try to control the desperation that she felt in order not to give in to her hearts desire to run to Olivia's side.

 

“I can be patient, I must be” Alex kept repeating as she tried to listen to what was going on just on the other side of the door

 

Casey came back with the nurse “Detective Benson, how are you feeling?” The nurse asked coming near with a glass full of ice chips.

 

“Thirsty, I’m thirsty” Olivia crocked out.

 

“Let me give you a couple of ice chips, you can’t drink water just yet.”

 

The nurse put some chips in Olivia’s mouth so they could dissolve slowly.

 

“Thank you.”  She looked at her gratefully.

 

The nurse smiled and after checking that everything was in order she left.

 

“Hey, how are you feeling?”  Casey smiled with tears in her eyes.

 

 “As if someone had shot me at close range” She tried to jest in a scratchy voice.

 

“Well that’s exactly what happened silly.  Oh Liv, you had us all on edge.  We thought we were going to lose you.”  Casey’s eyes once again filled with tears and she took Liv’s hand again.

 

“I’m too stubborn for that.”  She smiled weakly.

 

“I know.  Elliot will be happy when I tell him that you’re awake.”

 

Olivia nodded “Hmm, I think I’m gonna fall asleep again.  Thanks for coming Casey.”

 

“That’s what friends are for Liv, ok I’ll be going now so that you can rest, I’ll come by early tomorrow before heading in to work.”  She moved closer and kissed her forehead.  “I’m glad that you’re back with us Liv.”

 

Once she was alone, Olivia could no longer contain the tears of disappointment that escaped unable to do anything to stop them.  She was tired of feeling this way, tired of missing her, tired of those endless days knowing that no matter how much time passed, Alex wasn't there nor would she be at her side again for who knew how long.  “Now that you were at deaths door, you even imagine that you heard her voice calling you, begging you not to leave her.  She doesn't even know that you got shot, be realistic Benson, she's not here and she never was” she though to herself with growing resentment.  She had told Casey that the was tired, not that it was a lie but the truth was that she wanted to be alone, she didn't want to cry in front of the ADA and have to answer questions that she didn't want to answer. Casey had been a good friend once she had managed to get over the obstacles that Alex's "death" had caused in her heart, but at that moment it wasn't Casey who she needed. A wave of pain made her groan involuntarily, the shock of realizing that it Alex wasn't there after all had distracted her enough that she could push the physical pain away and be replaced by a different overwhelming pain.  The pain in her heart had been enough to make her temporarily forget the pain that her injuries caused, but now, alone, she could feel it return in agonizing waves.  “Fuck, Benson you are so stupid for getting shot”.  She scolded herself.

 

Alex waited impatiently for five minutes before leaving the bathroom to make sure that Casey had definitely left.  As soon as she could she rapidly emerged from the bathroom to Liv’s side.

 

“Liv” She heard Alex’s voice calling but she refused to open her eyes, it was just a dream, she couldn’t stand it, no more.  “Liv” Alex’s voice repeated.

 

“You are a hallucination.”  Olivia said in a tormented whisper.

 

“Olivia” whispered Alex, stroking her face, “Olivia, open your eyes for me, please.”

 

Could she dare believe that it was true and not just a product of the strong medication that had her all doped up? Olivia could feel Alex’s hands on her face and in fear slowly opened her eyes, afraid that after all it was only a dream.  Her eyes opened slowly and there in front of her were the most beautiful blue eyes that she had ever seen.  The face of an angel, Alex...

 

“Hi,” Alex said between tears and laughter.  “I’ve missed you so much.”

 

“Alex it’s you, really you?”  Liv’s chocolate eyes shown with life and disbelief filling immediately with tears of joy.

 

Alex caressed her face, a smile of happiness painted on her face.  “Of course it’s me Liv.”

 

And without being able to hold back any longer and without caring she gave her a soft kiss on the lips, that was only a brush but enough to make her presence feel more tangible.

 

“I love you Liv.”  Alex murmured against Olivia’s mouth, whom with her free hand caressed the attorney’s hair and looked into her eyes.

 

“I love you too Alex, so much, but how?”  She asked still not believing that her Alex was there, really there with her.

 

“Elliot, I’m not sure how he managed but he got Hammond to bring me back to your side.”  She pulled away slightly but not too much, just enough so that she could look into Olivia’s eyes.

 

“Hammond... Alex, but Velez!.”  Her eyes opened wide and she almost sat up wincing as pain shot through her damaged body.  “Alex, but you...”

 

“Liv” She quickly placed her hand on her shoulder to prevent her from sitting up.   “Nothing matters to me if you aren’t here with me.  NOTHING” Her eyes once again filled with tears when she recalled how she felt when Hammond told her the real reason for her presence.  “Do you know how I felt when he told me what had happened?  I felt that I would die thinking I would get here too late.  You know that you are my life.  Do you know that Olivia Benson?  Without you life doesn’t matter anymore.  My life is nothing without you, please forgive me for having left you, and forgive me for not being at your side.”

 

“No, no Alex, don’t cry, please don’t cry.”  Olivia begged.  “I love you Alex, and if that means you have to be far away to keep you alive then I...”

 

“Liv, my life isn’t a life without you at my side.  I’m not going back to WitSec, I am never going to leave your side ever again.  Look what happened, I almost lost you.”  She exclaimed vehemently.

 

“Then I’ll resign.”  Olivia declared seriously.

 

 “What!”  Alex pulled back in surprise.  Olivia couldn’t mean that...

 

 “Yes, Alex, resign from SVU, being a detective, or whatever, but I don’t want to be far from you either.  I’m only living half a life without you.  I’m lost when I’m not at your side.  But your life is in danger and if to have you I have to leave everything behind so be it.  You are the only important thing.”  The detective said with conviction.

 

“Liv you don’t...”  Olivia shook her head cutting off anything else that Alex might say.

 

“Alex, you are my life, I was dying without you.”  There was certain desperation in her words.  She was very serious.

 

Alex pressed her lips together; she knew it was the truth, because she felt the same way.

 

“We’ll talk later, rest now, I’ll be here.”

 

Olivia moved slightly and made a grimace of pain.

 

“Damn, that hurts.”  She groaned and paled slightly.

 

Alex pushed the button for the morphine drip and watched as it took affect.

 

“Sleep, I’ll be here when you wake up.  She brushed her lips softly against Liv’s.

 

“ ‘love you ‘Lex.” Liv whispered feeling her eyelids closing.  For the first time in almost two years she could finally close her eyes knowing that Alex would be there when she awoke.

 

“I love you Liv, always.”  Alex declared and it was the last thing that Liv heard as she fell asleep.  Alex was there, with her, finally.

 

Alex felt as if she had no strength, she barely managed to sit down next to Olivia’s bed.  Suddenly all the anguish, desolation and fear abandoned her body leaving her weak.  The long hours of waiting uncertainly of eating only enough to keep going had taken their toll.  It was as if her own body had finally realized that it could stop being on guard all the time and the adrenaline that had kept her on the edge while Olivia was in danger had simply exhausted itself.  Without removing her eyes from the peaceful face of the sleeping detective, Alex texted Elliot with shaky fingers; she didn’t think she had the strength to hold a coherent conversation with Stabler.  She could pretty much assure that as soon as the news that Olivia could start receiving visitors Cragen and even Brass and perhaps several others would soon be dropping by to see Olivia.  This meant that she would have to stay away or hidden at the hospital with all those people coming and going from the detective’s room.

 

She spoke with her mother to tell her the good news, once she was done with the call she closed her eyes and leaned on Liv’s bed never releasing her hand falling asleep almost immediately.

 

An hour later, Elliot stuck his head into the door, smiling at the picture before him.  Alex was sound asleep holding Liv’s hand and with her head almost on top of Liv’s arm.  He stood there for a moment unsure of what to do, the way the attorney was positioned was fairly uncomfortable and if he left her like that she would wake up with a stiff neck and as stiff as a board.  He was about to move her when he felt Liv’s eyes on him.

 

 “Hey.”  He smiled at her when he saw that she was awake.  “Welcome back.  Didn’t anybody teach you how to duck bullets at the academy?”

 

 “Uh, I think I flunked that class.  “Evading Point Blank Shots 101.”  Liv smiled.  “What happened to the perp?”

 

 “Dead.”  Elliot’s jaw tightened and his eyes turned cold.  “I shot him although it was too late.”

 

Olivia could see that Elliot felt guilty about her situation and with a comforting smile she made it clear that wasn’t so.  “El it wasn’t your fault, I should have not assumed that he wasn’t there any longer, and frankly I should never have gone in without the Kevlar vest, that was my error.

 

 “Liv, it happens to everyone, we assumed the perp wasn’t there, but I should have never let you go in alone to look for evidence.”

 

A movement off to her left caught her attention. When she saw Alex, slowly waking up an immense smile appeared on her face and she turned to look at El.  “Thanks for bringing her, but you and I will have to talk.”  She declared with a raised brow.

 

Elliot reddened slightly, he knew what Liv was thinking, but she didn’t know, or did she?  She couldn’t know that she almost died two or three times and that Alex wouldn’t have withstood not knowing or being there with her.  “I know.” 

 

Alex slowly awoke and she smiled at Elliot when she saw him.

 

 “Elliot I’m glad that it was you and not Munch that caught me sleeping.”  She said with a grin.

 

 “Hey, he and Fin are on surveillance looking for a perp.”  He didn’t give any more details, for the moment it wasn’t wise to tell them that the perp was none other than the one that had shot Alex.  The situation was still tenuous, they had clues but no firm evidence that would lead them to an arrest and that had them all on their toes.

 

 “I see.  Speaking of them, I suppose they’ll be coming to visit Liv as soon as they can?”  Alex commented without letting the detective’s hand go who squeezed back warmly as if she knew that the attorney needed her comfort.  “I suppose they’ll also be a ton of people visiting, right?”  She looked over at Elliot questioningly.

 

 “Uh, well.”  Elliot brought his hand up to his neck and nodded.  “Yeah probably a soon as visiting hours start several will come by that aren’t aware of your situation, it could be dangerous if they see you.”

 

Alex nodded.  “I can be elsewhere during the visiting hours.  I don’t think it would be prudent to hide behind the curtain because someone could always take a look out of curiosity or ask themselves why there are things on the other bed if there isn’t another patient to visit.”  She reasoned.

 

 “But where will you hide Alex?”  Liv asked fearfully.  Just the very idea of losing Alex from her sight terrorized her, even though she knew that in her state she couldn’t do anything to make a difference.  In addition, the idea of not having her next to her and knowing that everything was fine frightened her tremendously just to imagine what could happen.

 

 “Exactly what I was thinking” Elliot interrupted.  “How are we going to keep your presence a secret if we can’ get you out of here every so often?”

 

 “Leave?”  Repeated Alex shaking her head negatively.  “No, I’m not leaving Olivia’s side for a second.”  She denied adamantly.

 

 “Alex, please, the very idea of knowing that you are still in danger freezes my blood, if someone discovers that you are really alive...God.  I don’t even want to think about it.”  Liv trembled slightly.

 

Alex turned to Liv and gave her a week smile.  “Liv, I don’t want to leave your side, it scares me that something will happen, a complication or something.  You have no idea what I went through thinking you...”  Her voice broke when she recalled the tearing anguish that had her in its grip during the trip back from Wisconsin.  Alex closed her eyes to try to contain the tears that threatened to spill from them.

 

 “Alex,” Liv’s voice said tenderly, “Look at me.”  Liv begged gently, “I’m not going anywhere, I’m fine now.”  At Alex’s glare to the “Fine,” she quickly corrected. “Ok, so I’m not 100% but I’m much better and now I have even more reason right here to recover as quickly as possible, but the idea that you are in danger, that makes me sick.

 

Elliot remained silent trying to give them a bit of privacy as they thought about a solution to the dilemma that they found themselves in.  They couldn’t continue maintaining Alex’s presence a secret if people were going to want to visit Liv and they accidentally ran into her.  After all Alex had been well known in the legal circles as well as the Manhattan PD, especially after the supposed shooting, so the possibility of someone recognizing her was high.  However...an idea had begun to form in his mind.

 

 “We need to disguise you.”  Elliot declared suddenly causing the two women that had almost forgotten he was there to turn curiously towards him.

 

 “Disguise myself?”  Alex asked doubtfully.  “What do you suggest Stabler?”

 

 “El?”  Liv insisted she knew her partner well enough not to know that he had something in mind.

 

 “Hide you in plain sight, you would have to get a wig, maybe Brown or red, whatever you want, and a different pair of glasses, probably some colored contacts and you would also have to use loose clothing because you’d be wearing a Kevlar vest for when you come in and out of the hospital.

 

 “What!”  Liv exclaimed “no, no absolutely not.  Why does she need to go in and out?  That’s too dangerous.”

 

 “Yes and no, if Alex comes and goes as Alex, but if she is disguised no one should recognize her.  Alex would be able to leave the hospital, hide somewhere else during the visiting hours, and spend some time outside of the hospital.  She hasn’t left the hospital in over a week Liv.”

 

 “She’ll have an escort?”  It was more a statement than a question.

 

 “No, that would draw attention Liv, Alex,” he addressed both of them.  “No one knows that you are alive, no one knows you are here except for us. If we disguise you no one will know, besides Alex won’t be coming in to see you while someone is with you.”

 

 “And how would she know that?”  Olivia continued unconvinced that what Elliot was suggesting was the smartest thing to do.

 

 “I brought Alex a disposable cell so she could communicate with us.  I could bring you one and that way you can keep in touch with her too.”

 

 “I’m not sure El, anything could happen... Liv began to say but a slight squeeze of the hand that Alex held stopped her and she looked over at Alex.  “Yes?”

 

 “I don’t think it’s a bad idea, El is right that no one knows I’m here and if I disguise myself no one will recognize me.  Besides, I wouldn’t go far, to the park or one of the local coffee shops.  My mother brought me a laptop and some books I could easily pass off as someone visiting someone else.”  Alex said logically.

 

 “But...”  Liv protested.  “If someone does, you be in trouble Alex and I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking that you are out there alone without protection.”

 

 “Liv, she’ll be disguised and maintaining a low profile, moving from place to place every so often so that no one notices anything odd or that will call attention to herself so no one will know.  It’s more dangerous for her to stay inside of the hospital when police and attorneys, etc. are filing in and out who might recognize her.”

 

Olivia looked directly into Alex’s eyes for several minutes, as if searching for the slightest hint of doubt or fear in the eyes of the woman she loved.  She then turned to Elliot who stared at her with the equal confidence.

 

 “Ok.”  She accepted reluctantly.  “I’m not totally convinced that it’s the best thing to do but Alex is right that she’d be in more danger of being discovered at the hospital than it would be if she were disguised.”

 

 “Ok, I’m gonna go get the stuff, and tomorrow first thing in the morning I’ll be here so you can get ready.  I’m sure several people will come tomorrow so we have to be ready.”  Alex agreed and Liv with a reluctant smile agreed too.  “Ok I’ll be on my way for tonight.  Liv take things easy.”  He knew the phobia his partner had of hospitals.

 

 “Don’t worry El; I’ll take care of things.”  Alex offered and Liv agreed but frowned at Stabler in silence at his look of amusement.

 

Once they were alone Alex took Liv’s free hand and squeezed.  “How are you feeling?”

 

 “Hmm, right now I’m in a bit of pain but I didn’t want to squeeze the button thingy.”  She indicated the morphine drip.  “Because then I’ll get sleepy but I guess I can do it now.”

 

 “Ok, you need to rest and so do I.  Tomorrow is going to be a long day, like El said, there will be a long line of people visiting and I have to be out of here early.”

 

 “I know.”  Olivia’s eyes kept closing.  “I’m not scared anymore.”  She whispered.

 

 “Scared?”  Alex asked stroking her face.

 

 “To close my eyes.”

 

 “Oh.”  Alex leaned over and kissed her on the forehead.  “Rest, I’ll be right here.”

 

 “I know.”

 

The morphine hit Olivia almost immediately, allowing her to fall asleep as soon as she closed her eyes.  Alex watched her sleep for a long time, watching the fall and rise of Liv’s chest.

 

“I’m not afraid to close my eyes either Liv.”  She whispered.  “I love you.”  She leaned over one more time and lightly brushed her lips with a kiss.  With a smile, she stroked her hair and sighed.  Olivia was fine and that was enough for the moment.

 

******

 

Somewhere far from there, a phone rang and a man’s voice answered brusquely.

 

 “Is it done?”

 

 “Yes, Mr. Velez, the Montoya’s and Brevet have been eliminated.”  An Irish accented voice responded.

 

“Fine, we’ll be in touch.”

 

 “Yes, Mr. Velez.”  And the phone disconnected.

 

Velez got to his feet and lit a cigar.

 

 “Benitez.”

 

“Patron?”  A voice answered from the shadows.

 

 “Get things ready, I have to go to New York, those Mexicans are invading my territory and they need to be reminded of the rules.”

 

 “A la orden jefe.”

 

 “Velez looked out the window and a cruel smile appeared on his lips, it was time to show the Gulf Cartel that there was nothing for them in New York.  Satisfied with himself he took a puff of the cigar and left the office still smiling, the idea of showing off his powers was something that really made him happy.

 

 “Leticia.”  He entered his bedroom.  “Pack my bags we are going to New York.”

 

The dark skinned woman lying on the bed got to her feet.  “New York? Are you sure Cesar?”

 

 “It’s time.”

 

Chapter 16 Unexpected

Olivia Benson was not a woman that believed in miracles, in truth she had learned not to believe in them.  She knew it wouldn’t do any good for her to close her eyes in order to get away from the horrors that she saw on a day to day basis.  She knew that when she opened them what she would have wished would be a dream.  That absolute truth could not be denied.  That the wishes did not come true just because you were stubbornly hoping and that to be prepared for the disillusion was the best way to survive.

What life had not shown her was that dreams could come true and that hope could be stubborn and even useless in most cases.  However, it was the only thing that was left, the only thing that could survive when there was nothing else to hang on to.  She knew it and with that knowledge Olivia refused to close her eyes, because even after all the proof and facts and even after having felt the lips against hers, to have lost herself in her eyes, wiping the tears away and caressing her face, a part of her still could not believe that Alex, her Alex was at her side.  It was too good to believe and at the same time, frightening.

The painkillers made her sleepy, she felt disoriented  most of the time but Olivia refused to let sleep overtake her, fighting it off with every ounce of her being not to succumb to the stupor that was turning her eyelids into heavy weights.  The terror of waking up and not seeing Alex froze her being therefore causing Olivia to follow the ADA’s every move, but trying at the same time to be discreet.  She tried every way she could to keep Alex from realizing that she was not resting the way she should considering her condition, she could no longer keep her eyes open because of the sedatives.  But still she fought it off because she feared that after all Alex presence had only been a dream.

 “Liv.”  Alex smiled indulgently as she felt Olivia’s eyes on her and seeing the charade of her failing attempts to close her eyes against her exhaustion. “I’m not going anywhere, rest, please.”  She squeezed her hand softly as she raised her eyes from the book she was reading.  “I’ll be here when you open your eyes, I promise.”

 “I’m not sleepy.”  She replied with a defiant pout.

Alex got up from her chair next to Olivia’s bed, moved closer, and kissed her forehead.  “Liv do you love me?”

 “Yes.”  She declared fervently.  “With all my heart, you know that.”

 “Then please rest.  I need you Olivia, I need you so much.  You are my life Liv.  I’m afraid of losing you.  I know”...” she paused “ I know how much you hate being in the hospital and being confined to a bed but they shot at you at close range.  I almost lost you Liv, please, rest.”

Olivia got lost in the deep blue eyes of the woman she loved, Alex was the other half of her soul, her heart and for her she would do whatever it took.  Knowing she had been defeated she sighed deeply and agreed.

 “Ok, only because you ask me in such a nice way, because I am not sleepy at all.”  She added petulantly.  Alex only smiled tenderly at her.

 “Thank you Liv, it’s for the best.  I hate being in this place just as much as you do.”  She stretched out her hand to push away some hair that was in her face.

Olivia managed to hold back a yawn and took advantage of the fact that Alex was on the side that had no IV’s to take the blonde’s arm and pull her towards herself.

 “I love you Alex.”  She said softly.  “Thank you for being here.”

 “No, thank you Olivia...” Her eyes filled with tears but she refused to let them spill, she had already cried a sea and she didn’t want to make the detective feel bad “...for staying with me.”

Liv pulled a bit more causing Alex to lean over her until their lips met in a tender but passionate kiss.

Soon Olivia was sleeping peacefully and Alex read peacefully  sitting by the side of the bed; a soft knock at the door and John Munch’s grey head appeared as she raised her eyes slowly.

 “Hey John” She greeted with a smile as she recognized the veteran detective.

 “Cabot, I heard the good news.  How is she?”

 “Fine, recovering.  She’s sleeping now, the doctors are very happy with the recovery she’s shown these past few days.  They gave her a CT scan today and did some other studies and so far everything looks good.”

 “I’m glad to hear it.”  Munch smiled in relief, he headed for the chair that was to one side of the door.  “So tell me Cabot, is it true that they make you change your blood type so your DNA changes?”

For a moment Alex was left speechless before she could react.  “WHAT!”  She mouthed in surprise trying not to wake Olivia.

 “Well, there’s a rumor that the Fed’s theoretically give their witnesses a complete blood transfusion in order to...”

 “That’s ridiculous.”  Alex cut him off before he could continue with his harebrained conspiracy theories.  “The only sacred rule in the WPP is to “learn and forget;” to learn your new identity and forget your old life for your own good.  At least that’s what they say. It’s the only way to survive the WPP.”

Munch looked at her inquisitively, nodded his head slightly and asked.  “And you...what did you do?”

 “When the only reason to feel alive is never to forget what you left behind, to believe with every fiber of your being that someone out there is waiting for you to return no matter how much time passes, they can all stick their rules where the sun doesn’t shine.”  She declared venomously in a voice that Munch could almost swear caused the temperature in the room to lower several degrees.

 “I see.”  Munch paused as if searching for the proper words before speaking.  “Are you going back into the program now that she’s made a turn for the better?”

 “No.”  She declared firmly.  “I’m not going anywhere without her.”  Now that the whole team knew the truth about the relationship between Olivia and herself she didn’t see any reason to keep pretending nothing was going on.  She was no longer the SVU ADA, at that moment she was just a woman in love with the person they considered like a little sister.  There was no reason to hide her real feelings behind the “Ice Princess” façade that everyone knew.  She hadn’t been that woman in almost two years and she wasn’t sure that she remembered how to be her again.

 “Even if that decision puts your life in danger?”

 “Munch, please stop beating around the bush and say what you really mean, period.”  Alex spat out exasperated.  “I consider you a friend, so please just say it.”

 “Forgive me Alex, but it’s just healthy curiosity.  I didn’t know the full extent of your relationship with Olivia.  But I do know what your “death” caused her.  When you were in Olivia’s life she was a force to be reckoned with, full of energy and hungry for justice.  When you disappeared from her life, she was like she was lost.  Olivia was just an empty shell.  It took a lot of self control to continue.”  He tried to explain.  “We care for her. We worry about her...if you leave her again...” He left the phrase hanging.  It wasn’t necessary; Alex understood the message loud and clear.

 “No I...” She paused, the words stuck in her throat.  “Never again John, I won’t ever leave her again.  I promise you that.”

Munch nodded and got to his feet.  “Fine, I’m glad to know she’s better.  I’ll come by tomorrow.”

 “I don’t think I’ll be here when that happens but I know it will make her happy to talk to you.  I know she misses you all and wishes she could be back at the precinct.”

 “Goodnight Alex, I’ll see you around.  Take care of yourself for her and be careful.  She wouldn’t survive if she lost you again.”

Once more Munch left the room and Alex breathed heavily and ran a hand through her blond hair then turned back to the still sleeping detective.

 “That’s the third lecture of “If you hurt her one more time...,” that I get this week.”  She murmured between her teeth.

 “They don’t know that we had two years together before you got sent to Witsec.”  Olivia’s sleepy voice caused her to jump.

 “For Christ sake Liv! You’re supposed to be asleep!” she protested.

 “I was, well dozing more than anything else when I heard the door,”  She shrugged slightly, in reality she couldn’t do much without feeling her abdomen tighten in pain.  “But I knew if it looked like I was waking up he would stick around, besides it looked like a private conversation.  I got the same lecture from your mother three years ago.  They are my only family really, they don’t mean to be “pains” or unreasonable with you, just...”

 “I know Liv.”  Alex interrupted her. “It’s actually kinda sweet to see those hardened detectives acting like big brothers.  They love you Liv.  I think they suspected or they knew about us more than what we imagined.”

 “They didn’t really know, true they may have suspected but your “Lazarus” like rebirth only confirmed it.”

 “I couldn’t do anything else Liv.”  Her eyes turned serious, “I wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself if...”  She couldn’t continue, just the thought froze her heart, knowing she would have nightmares for the coming months just because of it.

Olivia squeezed her hand in an effort to comfort her; she knew it would take both of them some time to recover from this “near death” experience.  In fact Olivia knew that before she could return to work she would have to go to therapy before they would consider her able to return to work from her injury.  “I know Alex, I know.”  Olivia knew it, knew perfectly that it was Alex’s presence that had kept her alive, she didn’t know exactly how, but she knew, “For that I’ll always be grateful.  I love you.”  Her eyes slowly closed no longer able to fight off the drugs, but never the less slipping away with a smile on her face.

 “Sleep tight, Liv.”  Alex kissed her forehead and moved back to her side of the semi private suite.  In just a few hours she knew that several people will be visiting as soon as they found out that Benson was conscious.  Besides Novak would probably be one of the first to arrive.   She always got there just a few minutes before visiting hours, which was probably due to her busy schedule.  Or at least that’s what she told herself.  She decided to go get something for dinner, not that she had much of an appetite but it was the perfect excuse to leave the room and stretch her legs.  Normally her mother would take her something to eat but tonight Caroline had a previous engagement.  She was supposed to attend a benefit dinner to help construct a new wing for the New York Presbyterian Children’s Hospital, so she wouldn’t be seeing her until the next day. 

To see her mother now that Olivia was awake was something that she feared despite the fact that her mother had let her know that she accepted her relationship with Olivia.  She also knew that her mother was still upset about not revealing the truth about her supposed death, something that only Olivia and Elliot had known.  Caroline could certainly understand the need for only them to know about it at first. However, what she couldn’t accept or understand was that Olivia never made her privy to the secret as time went on and the supposed danger had passed. That was so upsetting to her mother and with good reason too.  But being realistic her mother could have survived the grief of knowing her only daughter was dead, however, Olivia would still blame herself and that was something that Alex would not allow. 

She loved her too much to let her suffer thinking she was dead and perhaps she was too selfish because she refused to lose her putting her life at risk by making her an accessory to her secret.  However, she knew that there was no other way.  Olivia was like the air she breathed and she knew she was not alone in her feelings.  Perhaps it wasn't fair but she didn't owe anyone explanations.

Love shouldn't need explanations.

When Elliot Stabler opened the bags that John Munch gave him just past 11 p.m. he knew that a man should never go shopping for a woman unless he was gay or a transvestite.  His eyes opened as wide as saucers and his eyebrows went up so far that they almost wound up at his hairline.  He let out a whistle that was more one of terror than admiration.

 “Without a doubt she is gonna kill me.”  He said between his teeth.  “Of course...” he looked closely at the clothing and as his eyes went over them they shone wickedly and a devilish smile formed on his lips, “Oh yeah, she’s definitely gonna kill me.”

Whistling under his breath he put the things back in the bag they had come in along with a pair of sandals.  “Sandals?  How did John manage to guess her shoe size?”  Stabler asked himself.  Once he made sure that everything was in order and back in the duffel bag,  Elliot took it to his car where he put it in the trunk ready to deliver it the next day.  

 “Are you crazy Elliot?”  Olivia practically yelled when she saw the clothes that Stabler pulled out of the bag.

 “What’s the problem?”  Alex asked upset by Olivia’s reaction as she looked from Liv then back at Elliot.

 “Elliot wants to dress you like a damn hippie.”

 “Hippie?”  Alex turned towards Elliot looking at him curiously.

 “Well, it is a disguise as good as any other.  I can’t exactly disguise you as a corporate shark like so many others that proliferate around Manhattan that would be the equivalent of putting a fluorescent target on your forehead.  Everyone would recognize you since power suits were your normal style whereas the laid back bohemian style is the furthest thing to the real Alex Cabot.

 “More like a woman living in the wrong era.”  Alex commented when she looked at the clothing more closely.

 “That’s exactly what I said.” Olivia grumbled with a smug expression.

 “It’s great Elliot, no one will recognize me in this get up; you even brought sandals, bandana and bracelets.”  Alex exclaimed looking pleased with Stabler’s selection.

Elliot and Olivia exchanged surprised glances at the same time that their jaws dropped to the floor.  Was it possible that Alex was excited about the idea of dressing so simply?  When Alex noticed Olivia and Elliot’s surprised expressions she laughed heartily amused.

 “That rebellious era always had me curious.”  She scrunched her nose playfully, an expression that was well known to Olivia but not really known to Elliot.  “One of my favorite aunts was a Flower Child. She was the black sheep of the family of course.  She died from cancer when I was just a teen.  My mother never allowed me to wear anything she left me, even though she knew I really liked some of her things.”  She explained. 

 “Oh.”  Was the only thing that Elliot managed to say.

Olivia however smiled at Alex’s child like reaction, one that the detective adored and that Elliot obviously was not familiar with therefore taking him by surprise.  He didn’t know the real Alex, only her professional façade, the reserved, cold and calculating ADA, not the real woman.  “You never mentioned her.”  Olivia commented curiously.

 “Well I was only a 13 year old adolescent and I never really saw her.  Like I said she was the black sheep and Grandfather Cabot was outraged by the way my father would allow my aunt Deirdre to visit.   She was his favorite sister and she was a free spirit always traveling around the world, when she came to visit it was the least he could do since he was the only one that still spoke with her.  Not only was she a hippie but a lesbian.”  She said with a playful smile.

 “Oh I see.”  Olivia nodded in understanding.

Elliot understood as well but didn’t say anything, sometimes it was just too much information for him.  Even though Olivia was his best friend and work partner their personal lives was something he would rather keep to a minimum.  They spent so much time together that keeping their lives private was the sane thing for both of them, so he opted for a don’t tell don’t know option.

 “I’ll be right back, I’m gonna get some coffee.”  Stabler announced.

 “Yes!  Krispy Kreme's.”  She said with child like enthusiasm.

 “Not a chance, I’ll be back.”  He left closing the door behind him, leaving them alone.

 “I think you scared him.”  Olivia said smiling.

 “You think?”  Alex answered amused as she continued to look through the bag of clothes Elliot had brought her.

Olivia wished she could have been able to laugh when she saw Elliot’s horrified face just before he left.  “You didn’t see his face, he almost feinted at the thought that you might castrate him because the disguise wouldn’t be to your liking and instead you totally surprised him when you approved.”

 “Well, it’s comforting to know that I still haven’t lost my “touch” don’t you think?”  She winked and smiled playfully.

 “That’s a fact Alex.”

Alex disappeared into the bathroom to change clothes as a precaution in case someone came in unannounced.

 “Watch the door Liv.”  Alex said.

 “Sure.”

Ten minutes later Olivia let out a whistle of admiration when Alex emerged from the bathroom completely transformed.

 “Do you like it?”  Alex turned in a circle so that the detective could admire the ensemble better.

 “Wow, I can’t believe it, it really suits you.  You look like a real beatnik.  I don’t think even I would recognize you if I saw you in the street dressed like that.”

 “So, you think I pass the test then?”  Alex beamed.

 “I’m 100% positive, wait until Elliot sees you, you’ll leave him stunned, although you need to change your voice a bit, especially if you run into someone that used to know you. Your voice is very unique Alex.”  Olivia grinned playfully.

 “Oh really?”  Alex lowered her tone of voice until it was soft and sexy, which only caused Olivia to shiver.

 “No,” She growled, “not like that.  That tone of voice is only for me, I’m an only child and I don’t like to share.”

 “I’m yours?” Alex arched her brow in disapproval but the bright look in her eyes belied her intent.

 “Yes.”  Olivia declared without taking her eyes off of her.  “Just like I’m yours.”

 “Ok, ok.”  Alex grinned.  “Besides I’m out of practice.”

 “Christ, I hope not for long.”  Olivia smiled seductively as Alex covered the short distance that separated them to kiss Olivia softly while at the same time trying to control her desire to capture her mouth passionately and let herself go, something only Olivia could do to her.

When they finally drew apart, Olivia had a goofy smile on her face.  “Just what the doctor ordered for a speedy recovery.”

 “Oh really?”  Alex laughed at Olivia’s desperate attempt to prolong the kiss.

 “Yep, I only need my daily dose of Alex Cabot to make me feel better.”  Olivia gave her trademark lopsided grin.

 “Oh I’m glad to hear it.  I’ll make sure that you have the correct dose then.”

 “Please do.”  Olivia batted her eyes seductively.

After the mushy display, they smiled in amusement at each other then Alex gave her another quick kiss just before Elliot appeared with the coffee.

 “I’m back.”  Elliot announced.  “I brought some...” He paused abruptly when he saw Alex or at least whom he assumed was Alex.  “Wow.”  He muttered.

 Alex smiled and took the cup that he was holding out.  A few moments later she looked at him in surprise.

 “Thanks for the coffee El, how did you know I liked Cappuccino macchiato?”  She asked intrigued.

 “Well I know because when Olivia and I had a call that required us to be out overnight when we returned to the office she would always stop at the corner café and would always ask for one.  One day when I picked up the wrong cup by mistake I found out what it was and when she finally confided in me about you two I knew who the coffee was for.  I know she doesn’t like sweetened coffee.”

 “Oh.”  Alex reddened slightly.  Who would have thought that her taste for sweetened coffee would be a clue to Stabler that something was going on between her and Liv.

At Alex's flabbergasted expression Elliot limited himself to wiggling his eyebrows, looking rather smug and acting as if he were too good for his britches as Alex in the meantime asked herself where the usual impassive persona that he usually wore as a second skin had gone to?  Had it been when she had been forced to take on another persona, that she had forgotten how to be Alex? 

After thinking about it for a moment, Alex realized she no longer had to protect herself or try to pretend she was amongst friends and smiled, aside from Olivia who she trusted blindly, Elliot was a close second, because she knew how much Elliot thought of Olivia and therefore she was included as part of the package.

Olivia only observed them through semi closed eyes as she listened to them discuss the precautions that Alex needed to take.  She felt her eyelids grow heavy but she refused to give in to the sleepiness, observing Alex dressed in those ridiculous clothes but who at the same time looked quite comfortable and natural.  Because they didn't know Alex outside of her professional shell, they didn't know the real Alex, the one that was happy, playful and a prankster, the Alex that she knew so well. The thoughts of the not so distant future with the attorney by her side were much happier.

Elliot and Alex spoke in low voices, as Stabler reminded her that several police and personnel from the DA’s office would be visiting Olivia which meant that it was very important for Alex to maintain her distance from the hospital during visiting hours for her own protection.  Benson was a well known and admired detective and would no doubt get a lot of visitors during the first few days.

Once the details were finalized, Elliot got to his feet and left the room for a moment so they could have some privacy although Olivia looked as if she were asleep.

 “Liv? Liv?”  Alex called softly.

 “Hmm, I’m awake.”  She answered in a raspy voice.

 “I have to go now.  It’ll be visiting hours in about half an hour.”

 “Ok, please just be very careful.”  She opened her eyes and smiled at Alex.  “I love you.”

 “I love you Liv,”  She leaned over to place a soft kiss on her lips.

Elliot chose that moment to return, just as Alex was straightening up and indicating with a nod of her head that she was ready.

 “El, take care of her.”  She looked at him intently, silently begging him to take care of the love of her life.

 “Don’t worry; no one will know that she is here.” Alive, was what he didn't say but that was evident in exchanged glances the partners gave each other.

Just as they were about to leave Olivia called them back “Alex, my keys so you can go to the apartment and rest or something.  Where are my things?”  She looked around as if she were lost and couldn’t remember where her things had gone, forgetting that in reality she wasn’t really aware of when it had happened.

 “Liv,” Alex soothed, “Your things are in the suitcase that I have on my side of the room, the one they gave me when you were transferred here.  Did you want me to bring you something specific from your apartment?  She asked courteously.

 “No, I just want you be comfortable and to have a place to rest.  You’ll have to be out almost all day and you can’t be roaming the streets all that time.”  Olivia frowned in pain, when she tried to move more than she should have.

Alex moved closer to Liv and caressed her face as Elliot looked elsewhere, seemingly interested in the rooms décor when Alex bent over to kiss her goodbye.  A smile appeared on her face when she heard her partner’s whisper, just loud enough so that Alex could hear but not enough to embarrass her in front of Elliot.  ”You, I want only you save and sound and with me.”  Alex just smiled and looked into her eyes for a second before waving goodbye.

Elliot let Alex go out first and with a gesture he let Olivia know that he would be back later.  With a slight nod Olivia agreed and closed her eyes, knowing that in a short while someone would take care of waking her up.

Alex and Elliot decided to go down the stairs so they would avoid bumping into anyone that might recognize Alex just as a precaution.

 “I won’t be able to walk you out because that would be too obvious.  I need you to go out the front and turn right and walk a couple of blocks and stop in front of the Café, then take the taxi that will be waiting for you.  It belongs to a friend and it is number 22537.  He’ll take you where ever you want.”

 “Thanks Elliot, we’ll be in touch.”

She and Elliot left the building almost at the same time, but while Alex disappeared down the street Elliot’s cell rang.

 “Stabler.”

 “We have a lead on Connors, we’ll see you at the fuel depot over in Gowans on the canal, it’s a hot lead.”  Captain Cragen announced without preamble.

 “I’m on my way.”  A frown appeared on his face and the worry lines deepened.  How the hell was he going to tell Liv that while Alex was out on the streets unprotected, the crazy assassin that had been hired to kill her was loose in New York and had been linked to several new homicides?  “What a fucking mess!”  He swore under his breath as he ran to his car.  The sooner they caught Liam Connors the better.

 

Olivia was feeling restless, even with her eyes closed she tapped her fingers on the bed just as Casey Novak stuck her head in the door and said hello, startling her.

 “Hello Olivia, how are you feeling today?”  Casey greeted happily.

 “Hey Casey, how are you?”

 “Haha, I asked you first Olivia.”  Casey arched an eyebrow in amusement.

 “I feel fine.”  Olivia answered with a slight shrug of her shoulder.  “I can’t move, I can’t walk, laugh, go to the bathroom by myself, but otherwise I’m fine.”  She added sarcastically.

 “Side effects Olivia, fortunately you’re better and that’s what’s important, the only thing actually.”  She said shyly.

 “Thanks Case, and how are things going on the outside?  Have I missed anything important?”

 “Sorry, I can’t tell you anything, Captain Cragen’s orders.”  Casey laughed softly at Olivia’s grouchy expression.  “Benson the only thing that should concern you is to get well.  The rest is of no concern to you.

 “Come on Case,” Olivia tried to convince her.

 “I’m sorry Olivia, if I tell you what we are doing now it would only upset you more than being here in the hospital and then you’ll only wind up terrorizing the nurses even more.”

 “I will not!  I only want to leave this place.”  With Alex she added to herself.

 “Soon enough Liv, try to remember that the injuries you received were extensive. Don’t try to run before you can walk.”  Her expression softened.  “Please Liv.”

Olivia sighed and took Casey hand in hers squeezing it gently.  “Thanks for being such a good friend.”

 “No thank you Liv...” Just as she was about to add something else her cell rang and with a gesture she excused herself.  “Novak...”  Casey’s face became serious.  “I understand, yes, I’m on my way.”

Casey hung up and she turned to Olivia.

 “I’m sorry my visit has to be so short, but they need me in the office.  It seems stupid Granger is pulling one of his tricks.  I’ll see you soon Liv, take care, see you later.

She quickly left the room, leaving a very frustrated and bored detective.  It was true she felt that way even though it wasn’t boredom that was making her feel restless.  It wasn’t because she was in bed injured that was driving her crazy, but the fact that Alex was out there without her to protect her that was stressing her out.

Such was her worry that if her Captain asked her at that very moment when she wanted to return to work, she would simply say that whenever her doctors gave her the green light to do so.  Just like that, and surely that would have given her Captain cardiac arrest because if someone was a workaholic it was her.  But now that she had Alex at her side, nothing mattered anymore but to be with her, perhaps later after the stress and the anxiety of thinking that she might lose her once again or that after things had calmed down Olivia might start feeling normal again as far as Alex was concerned, but for the moment all that mattered was to be with her, to not let her out of her sight, not only for her own well being even though that might make her look pathetically dependent, it was something she just couldn't help.  Huang would have a field day with that information if she admitted it openly. Not that she would admit it, after all a girl has to have some pride.

Olivia wanted to spend her time recovering with the woman she loved, trying to recover the time they had lost; including maybe going away on a vacation together somewhere far from the Manhattan craziness. But where?  It didn’t matter she only wanted one thing, just one thing and that was to be with Alexandra Cabot.  The rest could go to hell.  She had suffered more than enough in the name of justice.  After Alex had been presumed dead, Olivia had felt as if she were one of the living dead. And if the PTB wanted her to nearly die in the line of duty in order to get Alex back in her life, then so be it.  Yes that was selfish of her even though she knew she shouldn't be.  Velez was on the loose and she wasn't at 100% capacity yet, but having Alex close to her was the only thing that mattered.

However, she wanted and needed to know she would be able to protect Alex with her life if necessary. That was going to pose a problem, because Alex didn't want her to get hurt, especially for her and especially not in her current condition. Nonetheless, keeping Alex safe was the top priority in Olivia's life, bedridden or not.

Visitors kept coming in and out of her room all day long, both from SVU as well as people she had worked with and were now in other departments and visitors from the DA’s office who were friends.   Olivia appreciated all the well wishes but she only wished that visiting hours were over so that she could have Alex by her side once again.  It didn’t matter that Alex had called from her apartment to let her know she was fine, she still needed to see her, to feel her.

Olivia sighed and continued punching the buttons on the TV remote with plenty of force.

 “I wouldn’t want to be the one to make you mad Detective Benson.”  A well educated voice came from the doorway.  Olivia raised her eyes in surprise.  It wasn’t someone she expected but then again it wasn’t really unexpected since Elizabeth Donnelly was the ADA and Bureau Chief for SVU.

 “Donnelly,” Olivia answered courteously, “How are you?”

 “I think that I should be the one asking you that detective.  When Captain Cragen told me about your injuries I asked him to keep me up to date.  You’re very well liked, Benson.”  Liz looked into Olivia’s eyes indulgently.  There was something in the attorney’s eyes that made Olivia feel as if there was something strange going on.

 “Well, thanks, I got lucky.  I’m alive and he isn’t.”  She brushed aside what had happened to her as if she had not almost lost her life.

 “Well according to the doctors you should be too Benson.”

 “It just wasn’t my turn yet.”  She sighed.  “They say when your time is up, it’s up.”

Liz nodded and pulled a chair up to sit next to Olivia who looked at her inquisitively still not sure about the reason for Donnelly’s visit.  She had come in and just made herself comfortable, it wasn’t as if they were great friends, they had never had any kind of social relationship not even when Alex was “alive”, which only made her more agitated.

 “Arthur won’t be long.”  Donnelly informed her in response to her inquisitive stare.

 “The DA?”  Olivia said incredulously.

 “Yes.”  She answered succinctly.

Just as Olivia was about to ask the reason for the visit, a slight knock on the door made her look up.  Liz smiled that Mona Lisa smile that was driving Olivia crazy with worry.  What in the hell was she up to?

 When she saw the District Attorney, Arthur Branch’s bulldog like face, she got even more panicky and she didn’t understand why.  She felt footsteps on the ceiling so speak and her spidey senses were on high alert and her radar was pinging like crazy.  She could certainly understand a social visit from Donnelly but both and at the same time was a sure sign of something going on and she had no idea what it could be.

 Donnelly’s visit made sense because she was after all the Bureau Chief for SVU, her unit was assigned under her, but what about Branch?  She had barely ever had any contact with him if ever.  She couldn’t think of anything that he would want to talk to her about, unless...just the thought petrified her.  Only her training as a detective helped hold back the terror from showing on her face.  Her mind began to wonder could Alex Cabot or at least Alex’s presence in New York, there with her, when she was supposed to be dead the reason for their presence?

 Forgetting for the moment that not everyone knew that Alex had returned, not scratch that, that Alex was alive! Alarm bells began to sound off in her head like the Notre Dame Cathedral.

She had regained consciousness only a short time ago, but it was long enough for her to find out about Alex’s arrival.  She knew that Hammond had been reluctant to bring Alex but he had not been given an option, she also knew that Hammond...Damn him...I hope...

 “Detective Benson, I’m glad to see that you are in stable condition.”  Branch greeted as he came into the room.

 “Thank you Sir.”  She said formally not sure what else to say as she tried to read his expression, but he wasn’t the DA for nothing.

 “Detective we have a very flimsy situation on our hands.”

“Situation?”  She croaked, looking over at Liz and Branch in total confusion.

 “Do you remember former ADA Alexandra Cabot?”

TBC