Legal Disclaimer: You guessed it, the
warrior and the bard - who aren't really named here, but better to be
on the safe side - belong to you-know-who (MCA/Universal and
Renaissance Pictures, in case you don't). No copyright infringement was
intended in the writing of this fan fiction.
The rest of the story,
however, is MINE, as well all characters not covered by the previous
statement.
This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way.
Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include
all disclaimers.
Sex: A Beamer hitting on a Roadster. Hot oil.
This is what happens when you have tires, erm, are tired, that is. (Thank my English teacher for that little pun - in the off chance he ever lays eyes on this, I doubt he'd be proud.)
Just a bit of silliness (major weirdness alert here!!!) that came to me during a tiring *snicker* 8-hour-drive to visit a friend. I'm afraid this is so pathetic it isn't even silly. Notice how I'm putting off the inevitable by babbling nonsense...
Don't blame me! Blame Katka, for living so damned far away. I would dedicate this to her, except that she would probably snap my head off, and I couldn't blame her.
Does it look like I'm making excuses? Stalling? Well, I am!
For comments, feel free to mail me at verrath@gmx.de. Any type of feedback is appreciated.
Homepage: Verrath's Book Of Tales
April 01, 1999 (Yes, folks, April Fool's day!)
I've been wondering what would happen if Chronos, the Master of Time, were to have a twisted sense of humor... What if, say, he were to put a curse on an unsuspecting warrior and bard?
I look over at my partner. She looks bone weary. As well she might, since we've been traveling all day with hardly a pause. "Want to make camp early today?"
"Oh, that would be great. I'm that tired..."
*POOF!!!*
Sleek. I feel so sleek in my shiny-new, night black laquer, cruising along the Highway. My 16V engine is humming roundly, loud enough to sound sportive, but dampened enough inside the sky blue, leather-coated cockpit not to actually be annoying. A twin exhaust the size of a couple of drainage pipes adds that nice, deep roar that my human is so fond of.
My broad tires carress the hard concrete with an almost sensual touch as I accelerate easily at the touch of a booted toe. I am the Beamer. BMW 850i, to be precise. Some humans would give their right arm to drive the likes of me.
Her nervous foot on the gas pedal tells me she'd like to go faster. So would I, for that matter, but there is just too much traffic today. What is that battered little Honda doing in the fast lane anyway? I own the road around here, isn't that obvious? I angrily flash my lights at him to make him move.
When finally he does, the human inside him shaking his fist at us and finishing off with an obscene hand gesture, my human slams down on the gas, and I respond by rocketing forward. The momentum presses her hard into her seat as I rapidly pick up speed. Ah, life in the fast lane!
Whoa! Oh wait, slow down a minute, willya? Leggo that gas pedal!
Wow! Honk my horn, isn't that the cutest little Roadster you've ever seen? Look at the way the sun glances off that red-golden finish! C'mon, pull over and slow down, huh? I wanna get a closer look.... Great Truck in Heaven, I'd just love to mix oil with her.... Mmmmh, the mere thought brings my glycerin to boil!
Come on, take your foot off the gas, Duda! Am I going to have to pull the oil pressure routine on you again? Or maybe you'll notice how the heat indicator just hit 'critical'? This engine is suffering, I tell ya!
There, that's better. Don't think I didn't notice you're ogling the little blonde dollie behind the wheel. But, to each her own tastes, I say. I prefer a cute bit of steel and chrome any day!
That's it, slow down enough so she can pass us. Oooh my, get a load of those exhaust fumes! Pure Ambrosia! And such a cute derriere. "BARD4U" it says on the license plate. Wouldn't that go great with mine, "I M WRIOR"? Hot Wheel! I just know we are made for each other, Honeytires!
Gee, I sure hope she digs sports cars... What If she prefers limos? Or perhaps, God forbid, she's even into trucks? Now there's a thought to stall your motor. On the other wheel, I'll never find out if I don't bump her, right? No time like the present.
Okay, she pulled into the right lane. Our turn again. Smoothly, I change lanes and swipe easily past her, admiring her streamlined side and the nicely polished chrome bumpers. She's in very good shape. I like that in a car. Am I imagining this, or did she just flash me an admiring look? I can feel my cooler heating up some more.
Faster and faster we go, leaving her quickly behind. Hey! Where do you think you're going??? I've just seen the car of my dreams, and all you can think about is going faster. And don't tell me you didn't dig that chick behind the wheel 'cause I know you did. So what say we hit the brakes and let the two of them catch up again, huh? Just for a little flirt maybe, huh? Hey, are you paying attention? Sheesh, humans, I swear! How can something made mainly of water and carbohydrates be so dense? It's not like they're diamonds or anything.
Okay nothing for it. I'm going to flash every damn control I can think of at you. See if that'll get your attention. No? Daydreaming about snaring that little wench? Well, stop dreaming and DO IT, for honking out loud!
Oh, all right! Looks like I have to do everything myself here. Okay... slowing down now... oh now you're paying attention to me! Well, good for you. No, no, don't kick the gas, I can't be bothered with that now. Ah, there she is! Hey babe, how about you and me take a cruise and do some serious bumper-whacking? Sound good? Yeah, that's it, move a little closer... almost touching there. Aww, why'd your human go and hit the brakes now? Can't a car have some fun?
You're behind me now, but on the other lane. I pull over, putting myself in front of you, only inches separating my butt from your inviting mouth. Aaah, I do so love to be bumped from behind! Never mind your human slamming on the brakes, rev up the engine, gorgeous! Now all I have to do is slow down...
*SMOOOOCH*
Ah, what passion! That has got to be the sweetest darn kiss one car ever gave another. I feel dizzy. I think my engine just stalled. Yours splutters a few times, and goes silent as well.
We're sitting there on the highway, none the worse for wear. Our bumpers are hardly even scratched, but by the way our humans are bitching at each other you'd think we were complete wrecks. So much for romance, huh? Well, I know I've found mine. Ah, I can feel my oil hot and moist, making a small puddle between my wheels. And my little Roadster seems to feel the same, by the glistening drops I see dripping down onto the concrete.
Oh bummer! Now they're trying to separate us. Diesel fumes, can't you see we're occupied? Well, you're not getting these bumpers unhooked any time soon, so you'd better start getting to know each other.
The heat rising from her hood makes me forget time as she continues to taste the residues of my exhaust fumes. Ah, extasy! I close my senses to everything but the feel of her.
Oh, they're exchanging addresses now... even smiling warmly at each other as they start our engines. One last, lingering kiss, and I let go of my love. I'm pretty sure we're going to meet again. It feels like this was meant to be. We have found each other, as we have before, and will again. "I M WRIOR" and "BARD4U" - the Warrior and the Bard...
*POOF!!!*
I rub my head, certain that something strange is going on, but not sure what it was. I look at my companion, who still standing by my side, and who is looking back at me with a puzzled expression. "I've got a feeling something weird has just happened," I tell her.
She barks a laugh. "No kidding!"
*POOF!!!*
"Daaaad," my little friend whines, "is it gonna be much longer?"
"Jesus, Gabby, we only just left," her dad says as he pulls the car onto the Highway. "We'll get there when we get there! Play something with Sina and quit whining!"
"But dad, I'm bored!"
*POOF!!!*
...
Author's Note: This is not intended as a Sina and Gabby story. These two just popped up by chance. And certainly Gabby's imagination, though colorful, is not even remotely this twisted!