~ Dude Ur Cat's? ~
by Wizzy
Disclaimers: One bad looking S&M instructor, one bad drag queen and a few hookers...oh, and one nastyass squirrel!!!
No one but my best friend will most likely get this story as there are few truths behind this and she will know what they are? so it's for her I wrote this? I hope she gets a laugh and a smile out of it as there is nothing prettier then her laughter and smile!
Tammysue, I wrote this, way over a year ago now, I ran across this while packing to move home, I knew I needed to finish this before I leave. It's a short story but it's yours! I can't find the words to tell you how much I love you. You came into my life due to a practical joke; from that day on you have always been my favorite Roseburrough! I'll never forget the first day I saw you, the bright red hair swinging back and forth high up in a pony tail, as you marched your way to garden side of the warehouse! We have laughed, partied and even shared a lot of tears over the last 7 years almost 8 now. And ifin that man don't marry you I will, just for your cooking! That will always remain no matter how far apart we are, and this is not forever as I will be back!! You are the other half of me, where you begin and I end I shall never be able to explain to anyone but as long as you know what I mean that is all that matters to me. You're the other half of my soul I had always been looking for in a best friend! I love you with all that I am, my dearest best friend! Love you always, your fucked faced hair lip, Wizzy
Dude Ur Cats???
Every year my best friend goes to Colorado for vacation. This year was no different, for her anyway. I was the lucky one who had to baby-sit all her kids. She was the proud mother of 4 indoor cats, 2 outdoor cats, two fish tanks full of fish, and one NASTY squirrel I rescued one labor day weekend a few years back now. As nasty as Hazel is I realized just why her mother kicked her ass out of the nest at two weeks old.
So, I got side tracked there. Anyways, Tammy always leaves me a few of the leftovers she has made. When she goes away, I get them. I have always said I'd marry this woman in a heartbeat just for her cooking; bonus is she is a red head but the draw back is she's straight. But I'd marry her just for the best homemade soups to the crab puffs she makes; I won't even mention the stuffed mushrooms. You name it she can make it and I'd marry her for it. Opps sorry derailed again??anyway...
I went over to her place the first night she was gone and for the life of me I could not figure out why everyone of her animals were acting funny...Little did I know.
I went again the next night, which was a Friday night. Now being the night owl I am, it was after 11 pm when I arrived at her house. From the outside you would never guess the mess I would find inside. As I stuck my key in the bottom lock and turned it, the door was jerked open by a funny looking blonde.
"Well look what we have here, fresh meat to dance with." Came a raspy sounding voice in my ear as I found my self wrapped in strong hooves...HOOVES? Sure nuff it was Mr. Ed two stepping my ass across Tammy's living room floor. Country music blasted so loud it hurt MY ears and I like my music loud just like the rest of you's. But the pictures on the wall bounced with each drumbeat. I will say he was one of the better partners I've had to two-step with. But he could not sing worth beans and his version of?"There's a Queer in my beer" being sung off key was even worse the right words. I spotted that satanic squirrel in her cage as he twirled me around the living room.
Hazel was in her cage screaming like some Maccaw bird, yelling, "You cocksucker give me my nuts back!" and several other obstinacies as loud as she could. I was not goin' anywhere near her cage as long as her eyes looked like Linda Blair's in the movie "Exorcist."
I stepped back from Mr. Ed's bad smelling hay breath when I spotted Mikey, (the retarded cat). He was hunkered down in the corner with Tom's (Tammy's hot hunk of a man) new issue of Sports Illustrated swimsuit magazine. He had a way beyond normal glaze over his eyes and the helmet that Tammy makes him wear to keep him from bashing his head as he flops about was tilted sideways. I didn't stop to find out just WHAT he was doing. I think he was wearing that wild lust filled look because of Spud McKenzie the Budweiser dog. I hoped to hell he did not start humping that poor pit bull.
I came to a halt when I spotted Ms. Zeta-Jones (the shy calico cat) cutting several lines of Kitty Kocaine on the glass-topped coffee table in front of the couch. She had several stray cats, I did not recognize, waiting with straws shoved so far up their tiny noses I thought for sure their brains would fall out. Next to those freshly cut lines was the small fish tank; someone had moved it from it usual spot and several tiny fishing poles hung off the side of the glass.
The 7 tiny Brady bunch? er? now 6 (one didn't make it, wonder ifin it wasn't Marsha, everyone hated the whiney little wench anyway) tiny fancy tailed guppies were doing a fancy rendition of synchronized swimming. Is fish tank water supposed to have a yellow hue to it?
I was in total shock to see these animals this much out of control. What could I do? Well I just had to investigate more of the house while I was looking for Peanut (the fat tiger stripped cat). Oh, I found her all right, in Tammy's bedroom. I had the door open about 3 feet wide and was totally speechless. Gone was the large vanity mirror where Tammy sits and gets her self gussied up to go out. A full size home movie screen replaced it. I spotted Peanut off to one side of the screen. Across her face she wore a leather mask and her eyes became beady and cold when she spotted me. She kept flickin the cat-o-nine tails in my direction as I spotted several submissives on their knees waiting for her. I moved slightly, closing the door, just enough to see the screen and what was playing. It looked like "Chicago's Big Boob Brigade" or was it "Tale of Two Titties"?
Anyway, which ever it was, it looked like a hard-core porno flick to me? I looked back at Peanut and noted the 4-inch spikes she wore on a collar around her neck gleaming brightly when the hall light hit the spikes just right. A small chalkboard was propped up on Tammy's small chair she used when she sat at the vanity. It held the terms for S&M and bondage as well. It was the tight leather pants Peanut wore that got my attention. A leather string that showed off her shapely legs is all that held the side together. OH MY GOD?SHAPELY LEGS?? This is a freakin cat I was looking at? ok so she had this kinda funny looking human form. And NO, I did not take a toke of Tammy's pipe (I say HER's cuz she's swiped all of mine!). I wasn't high and I had NOT been drinking. Peanut stalked closer to the door on stiletto high heels, her pale greens eyes focused on me. I swallowed hard, stepped back out into the hall, and slammed the door hard as Peanut lunged for me. I ripped my shirt in the process and it pissed me off, 'tis the one Tammy gave me. Yeah ok, so it's purple but that shirt means more to me then any other shirt I've gots! (Opps side tracked again). I ran for my life as I heard her evil laughter filling my ears.
I turned then to look in Kaylee's room, there was Fred (the goldfish I gave Tammy) and his fat legged Ho's eyes blinking back at me from the Sponge Bob Square Pants fish tank. Fred has this guilty look on his face. I wasn't sure what was going on until I spotted Barbie's pink corvette parked next to the dollhouse. Boy was that Barbie bitch going to be pissed when she got home from her date with Midge. We all know they've been dykes forever!! Smoke rolled from the crushed hook of the once pretty femme's car, the tires were flat and the sides were ripped open like a can of tuna would be when ya use a screwdriver! OH yeah Barbie would fish fry Fred's ass when she got home! I looked from the car and back to Fred. He just smiled and flipped his middle flipper at me and pulled a Ho into the tiny little house in his tank.
I made it back to the living room when my ears were filled with the shrill of the fire alarms blasting. I ran for the kitchen. Ok, like I done told you, these animals were OCC (out of control). Slipping and sliding into the tiny kitchen I spotted Elsie (another stray that Tammysue dragged home) standing there in a purple apron, and let me tell you she had nothing on under it (as you can tell Tammy loooove's the color purple). She had several sailors in full dress whites, cat calling and hooting names at her like I've never heard of in my life. I realized the curtain was set a blaze so I leapt up over several of the drunken sailors and grabbed the spray nozzle to put out the flames. That's when my world went black as I spotted Bennie (Tammy's only cat who can do no wrong, her pride and joy) in the back yard.
When I came to, someone had put out the now burnt to a crisp curtain in the window. I pulled my self up and peaked out the window once more and no I had not been seeing things. The sight was hideous!
Bennie was up on stage dancing with his black body shined sleek as he bumped and grinded to a low bass beating out of the hugeass speakers. I ran out the back door slipping off the curb, glad I did not shatter my ankle as I took in the show before me. The beehive wig slanted side ways on his head gave him the hop-sing geisha girl look. His lips were painted bright red as a hooker. Blue eyeliner and eye shadow highlighted his emerald green eyes. In his right hand he held a gold microphone as he lip synced to Cher's "If I could turn back time" song.
Long fake fingernails were painted bright gold to match the purse that hung from his shoulder. The shoes he wore were of the same gold color with glittery flowers bunched up on the tops not quite hiding the shiny toenails done in a bright 'come fuck me hard' red color. Several "boys" danced behind him stripping off a layer of clothing with each new course of the song. It reminded me of a drag show gone bad as he humped his way across the stage they had some how managed to build in Tammy's back yard. It was when he stopped and grabbed one of those dancing "boys" and lip locked him that I passed out again.
I woke with a start, there on my lap was Bennie, beside me slept Peanut and Zeta. Mikey was lying on top of the pile of magazines. Elsie was sleeping in Tom's chair. I looked at the pot pipe in my hand and back to the cats. I looked down at Bennie sleeping in my lap and realized it was nothing more then a dream, I must have fallen asleep after I fed the cats! I slowly lifted Bennie off my lap as it was past 1am and I needed to be getting on home. That's what I spotted the gold glitter on Bennies paw, I almost dropped his ass on the floor when he winked at me an said?
"Don't tell mom ok?"
Well DUDE I'm telling, you know?UR CAT'S GAY!!!!!!!
I love you Tammysue!!!!
A quick thanks to Shadylady for correcting me gods awfull speeling!! LMAO
Wizzy44tc@yahoo.com
Copyright © 2003 by Wizzy. All Rights Reserved.
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