Insensitive
by Xedra

Gabrielle watched him from the corner of her eye all night. There was something odd about Joxer. Okay, well, there were a lot of things odd about Joxer in general, but tonight he was acting odd in a very un-Joxer way. After the whole debacle with Cupid's arrows and everyone falling in mismatched love, she'd expected them all to have a good laugh over it. And they did... sort of. The whole thing was ridiculous, Joxer had said so himself.

And that was all he'd really said about any of it. She'd been ready to go over the whole day and joke with him about it, laugh at the antics of all the love-crazed virgins, bet on the likelihood of a warlord like Draco actually doing good in the name of love. She knew they wouldn't go so far as to tease Xena about how gone she was over Draco, not if they wanted to live through the night, but she figured she and Joxer would've at least had some fun teasing each other about how silly they had acted over each other.

Sure, Joxer could be pretty exasperating at times... well, okay, most of the time, but she could always count on him to find the humor in unbelievable situations like that and share some laughs with her over them. Xena really wasn't one to kid around with her like that, so it was nice to have Joxer around at those times.

But Joxer hadn't kidded around with her, he hadn't laughed with her or teased her or anything at all. That just wasn't like him.

Gabrielle frowned and turned over in her bedroll. There he was, still sitting there staring at the campfire, poking at the logs with a stick. His back was toward her, but she could tell by the set of his shoulders and the turn of his head that he was brooding. Joxer didn't brood. Well, he rarely brooded. She could count on one hand the times he'd been troubled enough to be so silent, the times she'd found him staring so intently at the fire as if all the answers a person sought could be found within the flames.

Gabrielle shifted to stretch her arm out and lean her head against her palm. What could possibly be troubling him now?

Joxer sighed harshly and tossed his stick into the fire. He rested his elbows on his knees and pressed the heels of his hands against his forehead for a moment, then shoved his fingers through his hair. This was getting him nowhere. He could stare at the fire all night long and it wouldn't do him any good. It wouldn't change anything.

He could still hear her words, the way she'd laughed at the idea of them being in love. It played over and over in his head, and though he'd tried to steel himself against it, his gut twisted and his heart ached every single time. Gods, could he feel more like a fool?

When he first met her she had beaten him to a pulp, but she'd also helped him with his bloody nose and told him he had the potential to be a hero. Since then they had developed a friendship of sorts, and it was one he'd been comfortable with and enjoyed. She had a great sense of humor, was a talented bard, he loved to watch her fight with that little stick of hers, and she was awfully cute. He liked having her as a friend, her and Xena both, but somewhere along the way that friendly feeling grew into something stronger.

Looking back now, he could recognize the first sign of those changes happened on the day she married Perdicus. She'd looked so lovely in her wedding gown, with the wildflowers in her hair. He'd been truly happy for her... but he also remembered watching her run off with her new husband and thinking how much he was going to miss her. He remembered the pang of loss that he'd felt in his heart and how he'd shaken it off and told himself he and Xena would still see her now and then. They were friends, after all.

The next day, he'd mourned with her, seeing her grief over her husband's death. It had made him so sad to see the terrible coldness in her eyes when she'd been determined to kill Callisto. He would've done anything to help her, anything to take that coldness away, even give his own life if necessary... and for the first time in his life, when he'd run into that cave after Callisto, his only thought had been to save Gabrielle and not to prove what a mighty warrior he was.

When it was all over, he'd gone on his merry way with a much lighter heart. He'd seen her smile again and all was right in his world. He realized now that since that time there had been a different, stronger warmth in his heart for her. He'd never thought anything of it, it was just there, growing stronger each time he'd happen to meet up with her and Xena.

He never imagined himself to actually be in love with her... but today, the way she smiled at him, the sparkle in her eyes, the love that glowed from them... it took his breath away and made his heart pound. They had talked and laughed together, she even sang his song with him!

Joxer stood abruptly and drew a hand over his face, rolling his eyes at himself. That should have tipped him off right there that something was off. She hated that stupid song. He'd had his nose pinched more times over that than anything else he ever did.

Lost in thought, he paced with short strides in front of the fire. All that affection, all that admiration directed at him made those buried feelings he had for her bloom explosively inside him. He'd known then that he loved her with all his heart. Now his heart was breaking. Her love hadn't been real at all, just a crazy mistake of the gods.

He kicked viciously at a rock and watched it bounce off into the surrounding bushes.

"Joxer?"

Gabrielle's whisper startled him from his thoughts. He turned his head toward her and just looked at her.

The look in his eyes made her sit up in her bedroll. She'd never seen him like this, so angry and sad and... lost. "Are you all right?"

Joxer heard the concern in her voice and felt his heart flip and his stomach sink at the same time. Her hair was rumpled from the bedroll and her top had shifted from her movements, the slight curve of her left shoulder gleaming in the firelight. He turned his head away and closed his eyes, barely holding back a frustrated groan.

Gabrielle stood and stepped over to him, lightly tugging on the back of his shirt. "Hey... what's wrong?"

Joxer swallowed hard and took a careful step away from her, then another. "Everything. Everything's wrong." He shook his head and gave a short, harsh laugh. "I really should have known."

"Known what?"

"That it was all wrong, a stupid mistake," he muttered, talking more to himself than to her. He shoved a hand through his hair again, rubbed the back of his neck. "You being in love with me." His hand fell and his back straightened as he quickly cleared his throat, remembering she was there. "Um, and Xena with Draco, um..." he waved his hands dismissively.

"Anyway. I just should've known, that's all. But by the time it was all over, everything was different and I can't go back." His voice faded introspectively again, "I wish I could go back. It was better when I didn't know." He fell silent, staring off into the trees, wishing that the carefree feeling he'd had in his heart only yesterday could return and replace the ache that burned there now.

Gabrielle blinked in confusion. "Uh, sorry, but you've lost me, there." She came around to face him, looking up at him with those deep green eyes, her lips curving into an encouraging smile. "Come on, sit down and tell me what's bothering you, okay? You'll feel better." She stepped over to the large log they'd set down near the fire and sat down. She patted the space next to her and looked at him expectantly.

*That's just what's bothering me...* Joxer thought ruefully, staring at her hand on the log. *I've lost you and I never really had you. And you have no idea.*

A weariness settled over him that went soul deep. If she wanted to know what was bothering him, then by the gods he'd tell her. What good would it do to hide it? He'd love her whether she knew it or not, wouldn't he? Telling her and having her laugh in his face couldn't possibly be worse than keeping it a secret, living with this constant ache and her being so cheerfully oblivious to his torment, could it?

He looked at her face, her sweet face, and wished he could dismiss the swells of love he felt as casually as she had.

"How do you do it?" he wondered out loud, his voice cool and curious as he crossed his arms over his chest.

Gabrielle tilted her head, "Do what?"

"How do you cool your lips after a summer's kiss?"

The question threw her and her jaw dropped. "Huh?"

"Tell me, Gabrielle. How do you numb your skin after the warmest touch?" His gaze went a bit unfocused, as if he were asking the questions to himself as well. The memory of that afternoon was burned in his brain. The taste of her mouth on his, the softness of her body against him.

The surprise and confusion on her face made him want to smile, but he stifled the urge. It had always delighted him to put that adorable expression on her face, which he often did with his bumbling ways. Just another sign of his feelings he'd been blind to. He wished for that blindness again, that blissful ignorance.

He saw that she was about to speak, but cut her off, his voice almost wistful. "It was so easy for you... a tap on the head and everything you felt was forgotten. It wasn't so easy for me, you know." She continued to stare at him as if he were speaking in a foreign language. "My lips are still burning from your kiss. I can still feel you in my arms, Gabrielle."

Gabrielle was dumbstruck. Her face flushed with heat at his words and her hands began to fidget in her lap. Was that her heart pounding? By the gods, of all the things she'd imagined he might say, she never expected this. He was waiting for her to speak, but with his quietly passionate words echoing in her ears, her tongue was suddenly tied in knots.

She swallowed thickly and cleared her throat, "Joxer... I, uh..." Her mind blanked as he took a step forward and sat back on his haunches in front of her, his elbows on his knees.

"How do you teach your heart it's a crime to fall in love again?" His voice lowered to just above a whisper, his dark eyes searching hers. "I don't know how to do that. Tell me how to do that. I don't want to be in love all by myself."

Gabrielle blinked, the word "love" snapping her out of her verbal paralysis. She felt a wave of relief wash over her that he was still under the spell, dismissing the tightening in her stomach that felt strangely like disappointment. "Joxer, we have to tell Xena. What you're feeling isn't real. You're still feeling the effects of the arrow Baby Bliss hit you with."

She patted his shoulder sympathetically. "The arrow must have hit you pretty hard if Cupid didn't get it all the first time. Don't worry, we'll go to Aphrodite's nearest temple and get everything straightened out."

Joxer stood abruptly, his jaw tight. He turned slightly and kicked a rock into the fire. It hit a glowing log, sending a burst of embers scattering across the dirt. "I wasn't hit with any arrow, Gabrielle."

"Of course you were. We both were. Joxer, people don't fall in love at the drop of a hat like that without help from the gods," Gabrielle explained patiently.

He stared at the fire, his hands on his hips. "It wasn't like that. What I feel has been there for a long time now. It was having you love me back today that made me realize it."

Gabrielle rubbed her fingers across her forehead, thinking this had to be some kind of mistake. She just couldn't wrap her brain around the idea of Joxer being truly in love with her.

Joxer glanced back at her. She was deep in thought, worrying her lower lip the way she did when trying to find the solution to a particularly challenging puzzle. He was beginning to think telling her wasn't such a good idea, but at least she wasn't laughing at him.

She started to shake her head again, but he didn't want to hear any more of her protests. He bit back a growl of frustration, heartsick that she refused to believe him. "Ask Xena if you don't believe me, she was there when Cupid removed the spell."

Gabrielle looked over at the sleeping warrior for a long moment, considering, and it hit her that he was telling the truth. Her belly suddenly felt fluttery and she pressed a hand to it. She was stunned. Her body went very still and her eyes shifted away from his profile to stare at the ground.

It occurred to her that she should probably be feeling awkward right now. Joxer, just told her he loved her... really loved her. She should feel be feeling embarrassment and even a little pity, trying to break it to him that they were just friends, that she didn't love him that way, but...

She wasn't. Wasn't that odd? On the contrary, she was feeling very calm, but for the butterflies in her belly and the heated flush in her cheeks that she was sure must be spreading down her body now. Her breathing hitched in her chest as her mind echoed with his quiet questions, his soft, passionate admission about the kiss they shared, the way he could still feel her... how he'd loved her for a long time. Her thoughts were scrambling, trying to absorb the fact that her goofy friend could be so ardent, so poetic.

Joxer watched a maelstrom of emotions cross her face and wanted to kick himself for bringing the whole thing up. "It was a surprise to me, too. At first, anyway. Then it was just there, like it had been there all the time, like it belonged there." He ran and hand through his hair again and rolled his eyes at himself. "I'm not making any sense, am I?"

Gabrielle didn't bother telling him that he was indeed making sense, a kind of sense that transformed those fluttering butterflies into frenzied bees. She watched his face, watched his expression change from pained to resolved and wondered why she couldn't think of a thing to say.

He saw her mouth move as if to speak, but when she bit her lip again and stayed silent he wanted to laugh at the fact he'd struck the greatest bard in Greece speechless. He paced a bit trying pull something out of his brain to express his feelings that didn't make him sound like a total idiot and paused when he found himself standing in front of his bedroll and supply pack.

The sudden desire to just scoop up his stuff and run was quickly squashed by the sight of her own bedroll spread out only a few feet from his. He laughed silently at himself, knowing he was too far gone. His heart wouldn't let him leave her anymore than it could sprout legs, jump out of his body and dance around the camp.

Gabrielle watched him pace and pause. Her eyes were glued to his movements, studying him like he was one of those strange hybrid creatures of the gods that were forever turning up, feeling a curious mixture of apprehension and fascination. When he turned toward her again, her gaze darted quickly away, amazed at herself for staring at Joxer like that. What in the world was going on with her? He said her name to get her attention and though she raised her eyes hesitantly, her ears were burning, wondering what incredible thing he would say next.

Now that he had her attention, Joxer realized that there was nothing more he really wanted to say. He's said it. He'd told her he loved her, he'd said it out loud, and now suddenly felt as if an enormous weight had fallen off his shoulders. He was no longer worried about how she reacted to the truth because it was enough for him to have it out in the open. Whatever happened, or didn't happen after tonight, well, he'd leave that to the Fates. It made him a little giddy and he almost laughed out loud, but for the look on Gabrielle's face. She looked curious, certainly, but almost a little panicked in the way she was holding her breath, bracing herself for whatever he was going to say.

He pulled at his left ear, searching his brain for something to say, something to make her feel better about his confession, or at least not so tense. He couldn't think of anything, so he decided that maybe giving her some time to let the truth sink in would be the best thing to do. He scooped up his canteen and gave her a small smile. "Look, I just wanted you to know. It's getting pretty late, so I'm going to go fill up my canteen before I turn in, okay?"

Gabrielle knew they had filled their canteens before they set up camp that night, but she didn't say anything. She just nodded and watched as he went clomping through the trees toward the stream that was about fifty yards away. When he disappeared through the brush, she let out the breath she realized she'd been holding and pressed a hand to her chest, felt the way her pulse was racing. When the sound of his steps faded she quickly stood, feeling a sudden urge to go after him, to keep talking to him, or at least keep him talking to her.

She took a step toward the trees, then stopped. What was she doing? Putting her back to the direction he left, she found herself profoundly relieved that he was gone so that she could think. Think about this new development, how it would affect them all. Think about what she'd do, what she'd say when he came back. She paced in front of the fire, unable to think about anything other then the fact that Joxer loved her and the warmth that blossomed in her belly because of it. She kept looking in the direction he left, her ears perked for the sound of his return, hoping to hear it, praying she wouldn't.

"You gonna go after him or not?"

Gabrielle spun and saw Xena was wide awake. The warrior was laying on her left side with her hand cupped over her ear to prop up her head. There was a knowing smile curving her lips that made Gabrielle sigh and roll her eyes. Her friend didn't miss much.

She went over and sank to her knees next to Xena's bedroll. "It wasn't real, Xena. Not for me. When the spell was lifted it was like waking from a dream. Was it all a dream?" She sighed and looked at her fidgeting hands, "I don't know anymore."

Xena sat up, bending a knee up to rest her arm on. "Gabrielle, the gods can't give us anything we don't already have inside of us." She smiled to herself, remembering how she had said almost those exact same words to Joxer at one time.

Gabrielle raised a skeptical eyebrow. "So you're saying that deep down inside you love Draco?" She laughed and shook her head, "You know that's not true." Then she stopped laughing and gave her a pointed look. "That's not true, right?"

Xena rolled her eyes. "Of course it's not. But there is a part of me that goes for bad boys like Draco. In another place and time, who knows where those feelings might lead? The thing is, something inside me is open to the possibility." She gave Gabrielle a pointed look of her own. "Not that I'd act on it now."

Gabrielle considered what she said and could see the sense in it. It was a balm to her soul to know her heart was open to love again. She did care about Joxer. He was, after all, her closest friend besides Xena. The spell must have simply amplified the affection she naturally felt for him. It was a logical explanation, but logic couldn't explain the way she felt now that the spell was gone. What she'd felt listening to Joxer was anything but simple.

Xena could see the conflict in Gabrielle's eyes and figured the reason for it, even if Gabrielle didn't yet. She reached out and put a hand on her friend's arm. "Tell me something. When you were under the spell, how did it make you feel?"

When Gabrielle immediately looked away and blushed, Xena rolled her eyes and poked her hard on her knee. "Besides that. Under all the passion, the stars in your eyes, the hearts-and-flowers feeling of the spell... deep down in your heart, how did loving Joxer make you feel?"

Gabrielle closed her eyes and went through the day in her mind, searching her heart. She was silent for several long moments before opening her eyes in surprise, a smile teasing her lips. "It felt nice."

Her voice became a whisper, as if the words she had to speak were precious. "It felt natural... even peaceful." Her eyes filled with wonder. "I want to have that." The words were out of her mouth before she knew it, snapping her out of her reverie. She blinked and shook her head, swallowing against the sudden thickness in her throat.

"What am I saying? Me and Joxer?" Her laugh was forced and thready as she looked cautiously to Xena, to see if she'd laugh at the idea, because at that moment she simply couldn't get past her own scrambled feelings about it. She then winced inwardly remembering how she had laughed at the idea herself, just a few hours ago.

Xena merely tilted her head and nodded decisively. "You and Joxer."

Gabrielle relaxed, the knots in her stomach smoothly unraveling. Her feelings all dropped sweetly into place hearing the silent blessing in Xena's tone and she knew with stunning clarity what she would do. "Me and Joxer," she repeated softly to herself, her lips curving in bemusement and wonder.

She raised an eyebrow and pursed her lips thoughtfully. "This is happening pretty fast. Too fast, maybe?"

Xena calmly smoothed out her blanket across her lap and shrugged. "Maybe. You could go slow, take some time." Her eyes were twinkling when she cut them over at Gabrielle. "Do you really want to wait?"

Their heads turned sharply toward the trees as they heard the faint clomping sounds of Joxer returning. Xena leaned back on her hands and watched Gabrielle look intently at the trees. Gabrielle felt her pulse skip and the buzzing start up in her belly again and wanted to laugh out loud, wanted to whirl and dance around the camp, but only managed to stand on her shaky knees.

She never imagined going down this particular road, but she knew there was no turning back. She was going to take this chance, turn the possibility she'd had a taste of into reality. The prospect was both exciting and scary, but it also felt really, really good.

She shook her head, her eyes still on the trees. "I'm not waiting." As the rustling through the bushes grew closer, she took a deep breath and moved quickly across the camp and into the trees.

She met up with him after a few minutes and they both stopped, a handful of feet between them. Joxer looked surprised and a little wary and just said, "Hey."

Gabrielle gave him a half-smile, "Hey." Her eyes roamed over his face as if seeing it for the first time. His was really a nice face, an open face, one she'd thought she knew so well, but now she noticed interesting little details. His nose was crooked slightly from more than one healed break. She'd broken it once on the day they met, but was curious about how he'd broken it before. A small scar just under the right side of his jaw, how did that happen? That dent in his chin was actually kind of cute. She shifted on her feet, her eyes darting down over the rest of him and wondered what other interesting details she'd discover.

"So, you love me, hmm?" She said casually and swallowed back a giggle at the way his eyebrows shot up and his jaw lowered a bit.

"Uh, um, yeah," he stammered, taken aback by her directness and a little unnerved by it, but he straightened his spine and met her gaze with a direct one of his own. "Yes, I do, Gabrielle."

Gabrielle, enormously pleased by his matter-of-fact tone, stepped closer. "We've been friends for a long time now... good friends." She tucked her hands behind her back, keeping her gaze from his as she twisted slightly from side to side. "And I do like you, Joxer." She tilted her head then and cut her eyes up at him. "I like you a lot, actually."

There was an undertone of coyness in her voice that made Joxer want to step back, but his feet seemed to have grown roots. When she took another step closer, his breath seemed to lock in his chest. She was only a couple feet away now, close enough to touch if he just reached out his arms, but his arms suddenly felt like boulders and hung at his sides.

Gabrielle took another step. She was a handbreadth from him now and felt a shiver of delight when he gulped. It was a pure feminine thrill to put him off-balance this way, but she also felt a rush of tenderness, wanting to smooth the tension from his brow and see him smile. "I think I may even love you, too."

Joxer's brain went fuzzy. His eyes glazed over and his tongue melded itself to the roof of his mouth. He blinked several times to clear them and saw her lips curve into a warm smile, a warmth that filled her eyes and made his heart pound. It took a few tries to get his tongue to work. "You think so?"

Gabrielle took the still-full canteen from his limp hand, uncorked it and turned it upside down. Their eyes were locked on each other as the water poured into the grass. When the canteen was empty, she gave it back to him, closing her hand over his. Her eyes twinkled as she raised an eyebrow. "I could be convinced. Why don't you convince me while we go fill this back up?"

Her tone might have been teasing, her eyes were serious as they searched his. Her hand squeezed his over the canteen and her other hand came up to fidget with the ties of his tunic. His breath rushed out in a shaky laugh as the tension eased from his body and he gave her a grin. Pure joy zinged through him and he wanted to give out a mighty whoop and dance around the trees, but managed, just barely, to hold it in.

"Let's go." He grasped her hand and backed up toward the stream. Gabrielle chuckled lightly and pulled him to a stop before he backed into the tree behind him.

Shaking her head, she turned him around and wrapped an arm around his waist, giving him a quick squeeze and a sunny smile. With a sheepish grin, he laid an arm over her shoulders, marveling at this change between them. As he strolled through the trees with Gabrielle tucked close beside him, he sent a silent thanks to the Fates for love-filled arrows and mischievous baby gods.