Subtext: Yup, this trip down into my mind contains "subtext", which translated means "lesbian themes". It really is no wonder.
Violence: This is Xena we're talking about, not Home and Away. There is going to be some violence, especially if you vote for the Shooters Party.
Swearing: When particularly vexed, some grown-ups are forced to exclaim in a violent manner otherwise a fairy dies. It was a surprise to me too.
Bad Writing: Well, this is my first attempt at writing FF, and you have been warned, so don't complain to me when you have to quit your job and spend all your time reading Melissa Good to wipe this experience from your mind. That's what I had to do when I joined the Merwolf Pack Mailing list.
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We find our heroes in a smallish glade, beside a softly murmuring stream. They are lying, together, on a rough, hewn blanket, spent from ?ah? practising ?umm? their moves. Fighting moves, to all the readers who thought otherwise, hmph. Xena reaches over and runs her hand up Gabrielle's leg, to brush away some dirt. Gabrielle moans softly, to clear her throat. Xena rolls across the blanket and onto Gabrielle and begins to undo Gabrielle's top, because she has to check that Gab wasn't been stung by a water wasp, when they were in the stream?ah?practising. As the top falls away from her hand, Xena gazes upon creamy, smooth skin and then spots a small red, well, spot. Thinking that there might be poison in the wound, Xena began to suck softly at the wound and then all over Gabrielle's skin, probably because she had to be sure that she got the poison. After a short time, Xena had decided, after all, to check all of Gabrielle's skin, just to be sure. Alas, just as Xena thought she might have found something very interesting between Gabrielle's legs, she was interrupted be a scream that wasn't Gabrielle's.
"Shit a brick*!" Xena hissed as she raised her head.
"Xena, how do you do that?"
"Wha?oh, well, lets just say it's not one of my many skills"
"Oh. Are you going to keep?ah?um?checking my body for poison?"
"I want to?"
Gabrielle reached for the sweet wine Xena had been using to locate the sting. Suddenly, the scream came again, this time with a pointed 'heeelp' at the end.
Xena jumped up from the blanket and rushed to put on her leathers and get her sword and chakram, then speed off into the trees faster than Zeus climbs onto a bed.
Gabrielle mumbled backwards incoherently and dragged herself of the blanket. She stomped around looking for her boots that had somehow ended up in bush. She put them on and started to walk toward the trees when a cool breeze flowed against her cheeks. She rushed back to the campsite and put on her skirt and top, then swaggered grumpily away.
Xena ran through the forest towards the screams, until she noticed that her breastplate armour was beginning to rust. She's been using it to iron on again, hasn't she? Gabrielle, I'm going to??Her mental conversation was interrupted when someone exclaimed "Oh, HELP me, I'm sure nuff gonna jist 'bout DIE if a certain 'oman in leather not come to mah reesque*." That's my queue. Geez, you'd think Rob-I'm mean the Gods-would come up with something subtle than this. Xena burst upon two thugs attacking a young maiden in a dress with no neckline, just a waist. Xena waisted a second or two trying to think of a way that was possible and if it was? why wasn't Gabrielle wearing one?
Then, one of the thugs rushed at her and she pulled up a hand to punch him. When her fist was 10 inches away from his face, he grabbed his stomach in pain and fell to the ground. That's starting to get REALLY annoying. Xena mused. The other thug, who had been standing still with an unconvincing look on his face for the last minute?I mean "candlemark", pulled a two swords and began to twirl them around his body. Screwing up his face and looking like Hercules when he has to do anything other than build a wall or conk a monster. Xena waited patiently while he had his fifteen candlemarks of fame, because Gabrielle had been telling her she was always cutting people up/off, when they tried to express themselves.
That particular person, afore mentioned, at that moment, appeared, as she pulled herself out of the bushes, mumbling something about a promise to finish what you started, no matter who was about to be killed and how she was owed this at least after the whole Gabdrag and rape thing. However, 'rape' was blotted out by the sound of birds chirping, which sounded like this "poo-teweep*, possessed, po-teweep".
Gabrielle spotted the sword-spinning loser (who obviously had some like-a-blilty issues).
"Xena, I hate this guy! Just because he can't get laid any more after all the times you've spiked him with something or other in the balls, he comes after us in different uniforms!"
"Come on Gab, give him a break, the poor guy's just trying to express himself"
"Yeah, well I wish he go express himself off a cliff." "Hehehe. Absobloodylutely*."
The thug, having never been through counciling, couldn't handle these negative comments, and ran off crying, to express his feelings off a cliff.
Xena stood in shock and slight disappointment at the fact that she wouldn't get to jab the poor fella in the balls. Gabrielle smiled in satisfaction, not at all guilty about the fact that she'd hurt the loser's feelings. After all, she'd used non-violent methods.
The damsel in distress (still sitting around with her cleavage hanging out) ran over to Xena.
"Oh, Iah'm evah so grateful! Is there anythang I kin do for ya?" The damsel (whose name was actually Pauline) wiggled her ample attributes suggestively.
"Yeah, you can put those breasts away before you hurt someone, and then you can-" Again, Gabrielle was cut of by "po-teweep, pick flowers, po-teweep", and her very creative suggestion was lost forever. All we know is that the damsel, having never been to counselling, ran off to offer her services off a cliff.
Gabrielle rubbed her hands together, grinning with satisfaction at a job well done.
"?ah?" Xena fumbled at a loss for words.
Gabrielle walked over and patted her on the back reassuringly.
"Don't worry about your problem with words honey."
"Come on, we'll go back to camp and I'll teach you some better things to do with your mouth*"
"Shit a brick*!" = This is a traditional Aussie saying. VERY useful, trust me.
"Oh, HELP me, I'm sure nuff gonna jist 'bout DIE if a certain 'oman in leather not come to mah reesque*." = I figure if Autolycus can use a southern drawl, so can my well endowed damsel.
"poo-teweep* "= this is a tribute to one of the greatest books ever written "Slaughterhouse 5" Absobloodylutely* = Another very Aussie thing to say.
"Come on, we'll go back to camp and I'll teach you some better things to do with your mouth*" = I suggest you all take Gab's advice, no matter where you come from;->
So, did you guys like it? Tell me what you thought ;->