Part 5

Olivia drops me off and I make the trek to the house. The lights are on so people are home. Opening the door, I call out, "Hello?"

"In the kitchen," Sue responds

I squish on into the kitchen. I cough as I walk in; smoke hangs in the kitchen air. "You might want to crack a window there."

"Nah," Rob says with a giggle, "just breathe deeper."

I take another breath; the smoke tastes a little funny. "Oh man, you all started without me."

Now that I'm a little closer, I can see the pipe that Ed is charging. The table is littered with wine bottles and purple-stained paper cups. "So I take it, it was a stay-at-home evening."

Ed grunts, holding in the smoke as he passes the pipe to Rob.

"Carmen, darling, come here. We need to have a little chat about something." Sue pulls out a chair.

I amble over, grinning at their stoned faces. Sitting down, I freeze as I see the mangled remains of the answering machine.

"So," Sue starts, "I need to ask. Did it leap out and attack you? Did you need to beat it off?"

Rob and Ed start to snicker.

"Yeah, Carmen, I think it's time that we, as your friends, bring to light certain behavior that is troubling us¼ like your abuse of answering machines." Everyone starts laughing at that point but me. I happen to think that they're not funny people at all.

Sue notices that I'm not joining in on the laughter. "Awe, hun, what's up? You have a bad day?" I nod my head and sit on her lap so she can hug me. Yeah, I know it looks sexual because Rob's drooling on himself. Rob can be an unthinking pig on occasion but it's worse when he's stoned because he can't guard his expressions worth shit.

"How did your date go?"

"Date?" Rob chimes in. "Oh right, the hottie from the bar."

I can just tell he's gone off to his happy place with some lesbian fantasy. Ignoring him, I reply to Sue, "Lousy."

"But you didn't come home so it couldn't have been all bad."

"Well, no, parts of it were very good."

They cheer like good-humored barbarians.

"Details! Details!" they shout and I just blush. Blushing just starts the wolf whistles.

"Well, that gives away the fact that you had sex."

Sue surprises me. Being stoned doesn't seem to corrupt her faculties at all,; she's still sharp as a sword.

"Was it any good.?"

"Dude." Ed elbows Rob in the side. That's his way of telling Rob he overstepped his bounds.

Ed's always my knight, or the big brother I never had; knowing my biological father, Mathew, he could be my brother.

"Ah¼ I'll¼ uh, I need some fresh air," Rob stammers out and gets up to leave.

Poor Rob, he just realized all that stuff he should keep quietly in his head was actually coming out.

Sue hugs me. "Please don't be too pissed at my boyfriend," she whispers.

"I know, he's a stoned pig. Tomorrow, if he makes death-by-chocolate cake, I'll forgive him."

"You know he will."

"Cool," is Ed's one-cent contribution.

"So is there anything you want to spill to your quite-toked-up best buds to ease the worry lines on your face? And um, why are you all wet?"

I burst out laughing. "Family dinner night."

"Dude."

"Oh, no arrests this time?" Sue asks.

"Nope, but Karen lost her eyebrows to a hungry candle."

Okay, it's funny, but not that funny. Ed and Sue start laughing so hard I think they might crack ribs.

"Couldn't have happened to a nicer lady," Sue wheezes out, wiping tears from her eyes. "So is there anything else you want to share about your night of sin?"

I sigh, playing with the hem of my shirt. "Not right now, okay? I'm kind of shared out after the talk Justin and I had."

"Okay."

"Smoke?" Ed asks, handing me the pipe.

"Okay, but just one. I'm going to bed; I have to run messages tomorrow morning." I take the pipe and light it; taking a heavy draw, I hold it in my lungs, letting it burn. Releasing my breath, I can feel my head becoming light. "Thanks."

Ed just grins.

"Night." I give Sue a hug and get off her lap. Ed squeezes my arm and I ruffle his short spiky hair. As I go downstairs to my room, I hear Sue yelling at Rob, " Okay, you coward, you can come back inside now. She'll forgive you for being an ass but you have to make cake."



- - - - -- - - - -



You really can't feel the burn by biking a couple of blocks and then stopping to drop off a letter or a package. This is my real job, the one that pays the bills and gives me lousy medical and dental benefits with no vision coverage. Bearing down hard on my hand brakes, I barely miss some asshole who is refusing to merge and is driving in the bike lane to prove some point. "Jackass!" I give him the finger for good measure. That will teach him. It's 8:00 A.M, time for the morning commute. I've been up since 5:00 getting my assignments. We're valued for our speed, timeliness, and discretion. Which - which means we don't peek. Once I think I delivered a package for the Mob. It was at some seedy bar to a big guy whose name could have been Guido. Waiting at a light, I feel my work cell phone vibrate against my leg. There are times that I'm tempted to toss it down my pants for a cheap thrill; of course, that was mainly during my two year sex drought. I pull up onto the sidewalk, out of the way, and flip the phone open.

"Carmen."

"Are you on your way back to the office?"

"Yeah, I just dropped off ¼ um¼" I wrack my brain for a moment. "¼ Mr. Kimble's package." God, this job makes me feel like a gangster or some sort of government agent.

"'Kay, I need you to go down to a Bailey's Private Investigations and pick up a package for an Alexis Knight at MR Tech."

"Oh!"

"Anything wrong?"

"No¼. no, give me the address for Bailey's."

I shut the cell phone and peddle back onto the road. Only five more hours then it's beers on the porch with Ed and Sue.



- - -- - - - --



The lady looks at me, up and down from head to toe. "I was hoping you would be a guy. You know, in those tight biking shorts." She sighs, having been deprived of sexual eye-candy.

"How do I know you're the bike courier? You're not even wearing bike shorts."

I snort and look at my shirt; it's like a big billboard on my chest, and back emblazoned front and back with an ad for the courier company. As for the bike shorts, they just aren't practical. I wear the cargo shorts 'cause they have pockets for everything: work cell, ID, bandages, and antibiotic cream. You wouldn't imagine how banged up I get doing this job. I'm fine on the bike. Sure, I have idiot drivers who can't see me despite the bright yellow shirt. but offices are death traps. And Jen, Ashley, and Olivia wonder why I don't want to join the corporate rat race. I've had my fingers slammed in doors, cabinets, and elevators. I've poked my ass and thigh I don't know how many times on sharp desks corners. Hot coffee's been spilled on me and a typewriter's been thrown at my head. The typewriter wasn't personal; somebody had just been let go and they were trying to get their boss. I bet there's an ambulance just sitting down the street from every major business and corporation, just waiting for a daily call to come cart away some dumbass who was strangled when their tie got caught in the shedder. Thank you but no. I'll keep my nice slow death by secondhand smoke at the club; at least I'll go with a smile on my face and alcohol in my system. People in the office culture don't smile a lot unless they're on top of the pyramid, but only one person gets to sit on the top, which leaves a lot of unsmiling people.

"Well, yes, the shirt does give it away, but do you have some ID? The lady at the office said you all had ID."

"Yep." I pull out my ID and hand it to her. She nabs it and picks up the phone.

"Hi. Yes, this is Jamie, the secretary at Bailey's¼ Fine, thank you. Do you have a Carmen Webster working for you?¼ Thank you."

I look at her. "I check out."

"Yep, you're cleared."

This lady is good, but she does work for a private eye so I suppose it comes with the territory. I reach my hand out for my ID but the secretary looks lost in thought. I politely cough.

"Oh, sorry. Here ya go. It's just that your name sounds familiar¼ Carmen Webster¼ oh well, we probably investigated you."

My eyes get wide. "You what?"

"Did you cheat on your spouse?"

"Did I what?"

"We do a lot of those¼ cheating partners."

"I doubt it. I hardly date."

"Oh well, guess I'm wrong." She hands me a thick manila envelope. "Now no peeking."

"Never." I reassure her with a smile. I take the package and seal it in my bag.

"Thanks. Oh, you think you could get one of the male couriers to bike past the window? It would make my day."

I laugh. "I'll see what I can do." That lady just made my day.

- - - -- - -



MR Tech is not bicycle friendly;(semicolon) there isn't one bike rack out front to lock my bike to. When I tried to lock it to the tree, the rather plump front desk security guard came waddling over to tell me I couldn't. Fine. There's a solution to my problem; I just don't know what it is. I ponder a moment, my eyes sweeping over the elegant landscaping and the concrete parking lot, before inspiration strikes. Grinning evilly, I walk inside with my bike and lock it around the statue of good old MR himself. MR, or Morris Restenhoven - yeah, I would go with MR as well - was a rich coot who bought a struggling tech firm and knocked some business sense into it. When it started to show a profit, he changed the name.

The lady at the front desk smiles at me. "How can I help you?"

"I have a package for a Ms. Alexis Knight. My sister works here; if it's not too much of a bother, I thought I might step in and say a quick hello."

"Not a problem. Who's your sister?"

"Olivia Webster."

"Oh, you must be Carmen."

"Yep, that would be me."

"I remember you from the annual employee picnic. You and your sister kicked some booty at the three-legged race."

I laugh; that was only a couple of months ago. I actually had a good time with my sister. I wasn't her first choice to invite to the employee picnic but since Jen bailed at the last minute, I was a good stand in. It was free food so I didn't really mind. Oddly Olivia and I had a lot of fun with each other, something that hasn't happened since we were grade schoolers and the Bridgewaters' had yet to move in down the street. I guess as you get older you treasure the good memories, keep them close at hand, and ignore the rest.

"That would be me. One half of the three-legged wonder team."

"Okay, Carmen, just sign here, put this badge on, and I'll buzz you in. Oh, and you better move fast. That security guard will be back and he'll have a stroke when he sees where you locked your bike."

I clip the badge on and grin. "He should exercise more."

"Yes, he should. I keep wondering what he's going to protect me from."

"Well, as most folks can figure out¼" I look for her name plate. "¼Stella, you're the only one keeping this company safe from the unwashed masses."

"Darn tootin', and don't you forget it. Okay, Alexis is on the top floor. Olivia is on the third. Have fun."

I laugh and move towards the door, opening it when I hear the buzz.

Getting in the elevator I push the button for the third floor. I hum quietly along with the standard elevator musical fare. A tone beeps at me and the doors open; I shuffle off looking for clues as to where my sister's office might be. I smile and try to look official in my yellow billboard shirt; people just smile back but nobody stops me. Near the end I find a door that has the name 'O. Webster' on it. I'm happy to see she doesn't have a big corner office; it's the little petty things that keep me going. Actually I hope it's Olivia's office and not an Oliver's office. Maybe I should knock. Hesitant with uncertainty, I step closer to knock when I realize the door's not shut all the way. I'll just nudge it a bit and take a peek.

The door flutters open another inch and I stick my eye up to the opening. I can see the edge of a desk - not very informative. I toe the door with some more force, now my eyeball and my nose can stick in. I struck gold; I can see the back of Olivia's head. She's on the phone and not very happy.

"Ash¼ God damn it! This is a very bad time for you to do this to me." The pencil in between her fingers snaps in two. "I can't do it right now! ¼ Why? Because I have some Asian bitch breathing down my neck. Her and her team are tearing through the books and numbers. So yeah, I do think this is a bad time for one of your transactions."

I frown. Okay, I could take that a bad way, a very bad way, but this is my sister here. She wouldn't¼ I mean, Olivia's a stickler for rules and has no fun because there are rules against fun, and¼

"God no, Ash, please don't! Give me some time! Well, I'm very sorry. Maybe you should think about things before you gamble with mobsters."

Okay, using the word 'mobster' in a sentence is bad.

"Ash, if you insist on¼ God no, whatever you do, don't tell¼

I lean a little too enthusiastically on the door and it gives a creak. Olivia stiffens in her chair and turns. Oh God, think, brain, think. Process, you mighty stallion of logic.

I smile. "Don't tell who what?" The blood drains from Olivia's face; it would almost be funny if I didn't think she was going to tumble over dead.

"Olivia, you okay?" I rush to her side. "I'm sorry. I only came by to surprise you. It was supposed to be a good surprise." I reach for the glass and pitcher of water on her desk. Pouring a glass I hand it to her.

"How long were you standing there?"

"Just a second," I lie. I'm not sure why I'm lying but it feels important that I do, so I go with my gut on this one.

"Oh, okay." She sips the water and the color seems to come back in to her face. She hands the glass back to me and I set it down.

"Sorry, I'm really stressed lately. Those consultants have me jumping through hoops." She hangs up the phone.

"Shouldn't you have said good-bye?"

"It was just Ash; she'll get over it."

"Oh, what did she want?"

"The usual mayhem."

"Of course, whatever was I thinking."

"You here on business?"

"Yep. One package for Alexis Knight."

"Really? Can I see?"

I don't like the evil way my sister's eyes light up. "Nope. Sorry, I can only hand it over to the receivee. That would not be you."

"Car¼"

"Don't Car me. I'll lose my job."

"But I'm your sister."

"So?"

"Fine. So you were in the neighborhood and thought you'd look me up."

"Yep, I was wondering what you really did. I now find my illusions shattered. You're a pencil-pushing geek."

Olivia laughs and ruffles my hair affectionately. "That I am. You want a tour?"

"Sure, that would be great¼ um¼ give me 20 minutes to get this delivered and call in."

"Sure. You know where to find me now."

"That I do. Ya, geek."

"Shove it, goober, and what's this I hear about you having unsafe sex?"

I blush. Cursing Jen, I flee from the room as fast as I can. God damn Jen and her big lawyer mouth.



- -- - -- - -



I relax in the elevator, humming along to what I think is a Frank Sinatra song. I think back to what I overheard between Olivia and Ashley, resolving in my head that I had misunderstood. In all honesty I only got a bit of the conversation, although it was easy to jump to conclusions. What's to misunderstand about gambling with the Mob?

The bell dings and I jump to attention. The elevator opens, letting me into a large nice-looking office area. Looking around, I see lots of empty space and no people. I wander around for a minute before I give up and shout, "Hello! Anybody here?"

There's a muffled reply of what I think is "Back here." I wander down the hallway. I almost decide that I've picked the wrong direction when I see two large wooden doors that are cracked open. There's light spilling out onto the soft gray and blue carpet. Swinging right door open, I proudly announce, "I have a package for an Alexis Knight¼" I trail off not so proudly and blink rapidly, taking in the people before me who are staring back at me with equal parts confusion and apprehension; it makes for a nice frothy blend that is resembling an Absurdist theatre piece. "Holy shit!" That was smooth. I don't think I'm getting a tip, but damn¼ "Holy shit!" I repeat just because the tip's a lost cause.

"Ms. Webster, nice to see you again. I trust you know that this is also a non-smoking area?"

I flush, my embarrassment of the other day coming back in full force.

"Jordan, honey, play nice."

Right, now I know who my sister was referring to when she says a bitchy Asian woman.

Jordan glares at me, crosses her arms in front of her chest, and stares at me as if I were a piece of trash on her shoe. So I ignore her and turn my attention to the blonde sitting next to her at the table. Holy shit! They were at the club dancing, or having sex standing up on the dance floor, which means Anna can't be too far away. Holy shit!

"Jordan, has the package arrived from the¼"

Think of the Devil. Jordan's glaring at me, Anna's imitating a fish out of water, and the blonde is smiling. Apparently this is all very funny.

"Carmen¼"

I feel like screaming. "Look, I have a package for an Alexis Knight,.(period) I'll deliver it and go."

"I'll take that."

I glare at Jordan and snatch it away before she can take it. "It's a well established fact that your name is Jordan."

The blonde gets up, smoothing down a rather short skirt. "That would be me."

"ID."

"Yes, of course." She smiles sweetly as if I hadn't said anything rude.

"Carmen, I'm going to advise you right now to get your eyes off my girl's legs," Jordan growls at me.

Flushing in embarrassment, I quickly raise my eyes. You can hardly blame me; they're nice legs, well, the skirt is very short. She's hardly uncomfortable with showing them off and having people look at them. It wasn't like I was going to touch them or take them for a test drive ¼ maybe later when I'm alone in my room. Grrrr¼ that was the sex fairies talking. They've been so quiet; I'd hoped they'd gone back to hibernation mode so they'd stop getting me into trouble.

Alexis hands me her ID. "It's okay. Carmen. It's flattering. Just ignore grumpy, she didn't get to go for her run this morning."

I smile weakly but keep Jordan in my line of sight at all times. "Okay, Ms. Knight, if you could just sign this." Giving a fake smile, I hand her the package. For a moment I feel awkward; everyone's gone quiet wondering what to do or say. I feel bad that I'm totally ignoring Anna, but some things are just a matter of survival. "Right then. I'll just be on my way." I start to edge towards the exit.

"Carmen, please. Can we talk?"

"I don't really¼" Crap, she looks like she's about ready to start crying. I bend like Gumby. "Sure."

She motions me into her office. I walk slowly into the room, giving Jordan a wide berth when she snaps her teeth at me. Bitch.

"Shut the door please."

Sure, the sex fairies are all sorts of perky about being alone with Anna. They see the big picture: the nice big desk, the thrill of being naughty with two people only a few feet away, and Anna is wearing glasses. The sex fairies find that very yummy. I'm not perky about this at all, and I'm on to the sex fairies and their need for immediate satisfaction. Not that satisfaction is a bad thing - the sex fairies bust in on my thoughts by reminding me that I know what Anna's sweat tastes like. Jesus! I think my knees wobbled.

"I called you. I called you repeatedly."

"Huh?" Anna's speaking to me, but the sex fairies are reminding me I know what Anna looks like without her clothes on and they're trying to convince me to try some visualization exercises right now.

"I said I called you."

"Right, called me¼" She has this mole right on her¼

"Jordan said you just stormed out. What the hell crawled up your ass?"

"Hold on." Screw the fairies. "Yes, I got your message, and yes, I was ignoring you."

"Was?"

"Does it look like I'm ignoring you now?"

"Right. If I hadn't pushed it, you would have slunk out of here without saying a word to me."

Oh, good point, grrrr. "So what? You made me feel like a slut. Who the hell doesn't leave a note after sleeping with someone and then sends their assistant to clean up the mess they left in the hotel room?"

"What the hell are you talking about? I sent Jordan because I was busy and I wanted to make sure you got taken care of."

"Right, and who makes a date with two women on the same night.?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Did you have 'coffee' with Jen as well?" I'm beginning to discuss my points rather loudly now; I swear I'm not yelling, yet.

"If you want to know if I fucked Jen, why don't you just come out and ask instead of playing with words?" Okay, she's discussing loudly too.

"Well, you seemed to enjoy playing with words and meaning a couple of days ago."

"God, you're such a child."

My jaw clenches and I'm sure the vein in the center of my forehead is visibly throbbing. "I am not a child." I say the sentence slowly, each word getting special attention.

"Then stop acting like one."

There it is again. "Fuck you!"

"No thank you, the first time was not worth repeating."

That hits a nerve. Game, set, and match to Anna. "With such cutting remarks, you and Jen will be a perfect couple." I turn to go. I can't stand to be in here, near her, for another moment.

It comes out softly; I barely hear it. "Shit. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."

I frankly don't care at this moment; I just want to get far away before I start crying. A hand on my arm stops me. "Anna, let go of me." The hand pulls back harder as I try to move forward. "God damn it, let go!"

"No. Stop running away. Nothing gets resolved if you run away."

I turn to tell her to fuck off again, but there's something in her eyes when I catch them with my own. It's an unguarded look. It's all about raw pain buried deep, pain that settles in the soul and follows you through the years, the sort of pain that not even time and drink can solve. It touches me because it's honest and real. I know that I have the same pain deep inside; I can empathize. Instead of pulling away, I'm pulled into her. I frame her face with my hands and kiss her. I expect her to slap me, to laugh and reject me as a fool, but instead she welcomes me. Her hands slide down my body and then pull me tighter into her. We fumble and stumble backwards until we're stopped by her desk. Remembering to lift with my legs and not my back, I pick Anna up and place her on her desk. The damn sex fairies will get what they want. "Anna, for your sake I hope there's nothing important or sharp and pointy on your desk."

Fumbling behind herself with her hands, Anna insures that the stuff cluttering her desk crashes to the floor. Anticipating Jordan's reaction, she yells out, "Jordan, if you come in here I will kill you with the stapler."

I snicker. God, I'd love to see Jordan's face.

"Concentrate, Webster. I believe you made a threat to me about my desk, or was that just talk?"

I push her back on the desk; the small part of my brain not taken over by the sex fairies is divided. One part of that very small part hopes there are no security cameras in here, and the other part thinks this is a very bad idea. Someday I need to learn to listen to those parts. I hoist myself onto the desk, hoping I don't slip and fall. I don't have to worry; Anna grabs me by the shirt collar and pulls me to her for a heated kiss.

Clothes are sloppily removed; I nearly choke to death when Anna tries to rip my shirt off. Despite this, my hunger to touch Anna keeps me persevering. Shit. Buttons go flying. I hope that shirt wasn't too expensive, but Anna doesn't seem to care at the moment. God, that was cool, a total power trip. I am Carmen the mighty, bow before my shirt-tearing powers. Anna forces my head toward her breasts. Right, focus here, Webster. Look at that; it's all perky in anticipation of me nibbling on it. I give it a slow circular lick then a little nuzzle with my lips. From the nearly silent squeak that action causes, I take it that Anna approves. Fingers dig through my hair and into my scalp. I suck in a breath, mmmmm¼ that rocks. I give a little whimper as a thrill shoots through my body with every clutch and pull of my hair. With my tongue I follow the curve of a breast down to a toned stomach and dip into her navel. As I withdraw my tongue, I give a quick nip to the flesh there, smiling to myself as I feel her suck in a breath. I continue down, skipping her clit to move to the inside of her thigh where I give a lick and a small bite as well.

Fuck! I'm seeing stars and I'm staring at the ceiling, you know, the carpet is as plush as it looks.

"Carmen?"

"Yes."

"Are you okay?"

She's sitting up on the desk looking down at me.

"I, I think so. What happened?"

She flushes. "I'm, uh, ticklish on the inside of my knees."

It comes back to me. My right hand had trailed down her leg, lightly gripping her knee. It had jumped like a live wire, striking me in the chest. Looking down, I wonder if I will bruise.

"Want me to kiss it better?"

I pout and nod.

She slides off her desk and crouches over me; I lay back to enjoy the show. Her breasts bounce gently with her movement. In a move that would make yoga freaks jealous, she slides over me, her breasts traveling lightly over my skin, teasing me when she arches her back . Leaning up, I kiss each one until she slides back down. God, that should be illegal.

"Ah, ah. I'm supposed to be kissing you better."

"You took too long."

"So impatient."

"Teasing later," I grunt, pulling her down on top of me.

"'Kay," she says with a wicked grin.

For the record, I tried really hard not to scream. However, I think they heard me on the first floor. As I'm coming back into the proper time zone, there's a knock at the door.

"Jordan, I swear I'll go for the stapler."

"Actually it's Alexis. We're going to head out for an early lunch. Too many distractions."

Kill me now. I bury my face in the crook of Anna's neck.

"Oh, okay. I'll talk to you two later."

"Okay. And, Anna, it better be much later, like tomorrow."

Anna brushes my sweaty hair out of my face. She seems hesitant, almost as if she feels guilty.

"I'm okay, really," I say, trying to reassure her. "I knew they were there and I still wanted to do this."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"Okay¼"

She looks like she wants to say something else, but she remains quiet. I don't say anything; instead I just lightly rub circles on her back. "So you're a consultant."

"Yep."

"And you're consulting at MR on a missing money problem."

"Yeah."

I don't say anything else. The conversation I'd overheard between Olivia and Ash looks worse and worse, but still it's Olivia. Olivia would never do anything bad enough that Ash could control her. Plus Olivia would just run to Jen and Jen would whip Ash back into line. But as Hamlet once said, "Something is rotten in the State of Denmark," and it's not the cheese. Okay, cheese never really came into it, but it would have explained a lot. I'm missing a lot of the big picture at this moment; there are so many undercurrents swirling around that it's scary. I hug Anna tightly to me.

"What's up?" she whispers against my skin. I shiver.

"Nothing. Just thinking I'm sort of sorry about earlier."

"Me too." She kisses my collar bone.

"Anna."

"Yes."

"No more dates with Jen. If you make another date with her, I don't want to ever see you again."

She laughs, but as she raises up to look at my face the laughter fades away; as she can see how serious I am. "It wasn't a date. It was a business dinner. I needed to talk to her about some of the legal work she's done for MR."

"Anna, I don't care. If you have to talk to her about business, then you do it here¼" I pause, thinking about what we just did here. "With Jordan present¼" She laughs. "But if you go out to dinner, drinks, or anything with her, I'm gone."

"I thought you were friends? You, Jen, Olivia, and Ashley: the Musketeers - all for one and one for all."

I frown. "No, Jen, Olivia, and Ashley are the Musketeers. I'm just their tagalong."

"Ah, you're their D'Artagnan."

I laugh. "I don't think I rank that high."

"D'Artagnan was the fourth member. He was on the outside looking in; he repeatedly had to prove himself to the others until they finally excepted him. Then he became like a son. He reminded them of their purpose - why they were Musketeers."

My frown gets deeper as she speaks. "I'm not seeing a correlation."

"He was the noblest, believed strongly in right and wrong, in being a hero, and doing the right thing. When the time comes, you will do the right thing."

What the hell is she talking about? "When what time comes?"

"Anytime. I'm being metaphorical. But it's in your nature to do the right thing."

"I guess." For an after-sex talk, this is getting to be a bit deep.

She leans up on an elbow. Laughing, she smoothes the wrinkles in my forehead. "Don't think on it too hard."

"Well, I can't help it. First, you short out my brain, and then you want to discuss the deeper meanings of literature."

"Hmmm, maybe you should silence me with a kiss."

"What? Oh." Who am I to argue?



- -- - - -- - -



I tuck my shirt into my shorts, trying really hard not to laugh as Anna picks up the buttons to her shirt. With each button she picks up her face scrunches into a cute little pout; I just want to kiss her. Finally she gets them all. Staring into her hand, she gives a little sigh and dumps them into the trashcan. The shirt follows. I give a little whimper at the sight of red lines on her shoulders. They'll be gone in the morning but right now they say, "Property of Carmen". Yes, it's shallow to think such thoughts but I'll live, and I'm certainly smart enough not to share them with Anna.

Reaching under her desk, she pulls out a gym bag. Unzipping it, she pulls out a T-shirt and slips it on. She looks kind of silly.

"Not one word or I'll make you replace my shirt. It was silk, you know."

My eyes bug out. Oh shit. "Not a peep, trust me." As I take a step, a familiar weight hits my leg. Crap, work. I just had a whole lot of nookie on the clock.

My face must have paled. "Carmen, is everything okay?"

I pull out the phone. Fuck. Three messages. "I'm still on the clock. I've been AWOL for¼" I look at the clock and wince. "¼ almost two hours."

I don't bother listening to the messages; I call work. "Hi, this is Carmen." I pull the phone away as I get blasted. Anna takes the phone out of my hand. "Hello? Yes, this is Ms. Russell. I wanted to call and thank you for sending such a patient employee. I had Alexis tied up in a meeting and Ms. Webster waited and wouldn't release the package into anyone else's hands. I knew I did the right thing using your company. Those documents are very important and very private. I'll be sure to talk you up to all my clients. Yes. No, thank you." She smirks and hands the phone back to me.

"Uh, yes, okay." I look at her as I hang up the phone.

"Yes, you may thank me."

"Can you possibly grasp how horny you just made me?"

She laughs. The sex fairies bow to their partners and begin to waltz; twirling, they spin around and around until I think I might just explode. "I really need to get back to work."

"Okay." She kisses me lightly on the cheek. "Dinner tonight?"

"Sure." I can hear her snicker as I walk stiffly out of the room.

In the elevator I have time to reflect. Reflection is never a good thing. What the hell just happened? I think one of those undercurrents sucked me under when I turned my back for a moment. Resting my head on the cool metal side, I remember Olivia is waiting for me. Poo. I reach out, hitting the button for the third floor, and then close my eyes. Life is moving too quickly for me; I can't keep up.

I slink up to Olivia's office. Quietly I knock on the door and walk in. Olivia looks up from a report. Her eyebrows scrunch in confusion then her eyes bug out. Ouch. Note to self - if that's what I look like when I do that, don't do it anymore.

"So the courier service is a full service business, is it?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Your shirt's inside out."

"Crap. Well, that would explain the funny looks." I strip it off and put it on right side out.

"Is that a love bite on your stomach?"

"No, it's a birthmark."

"Birthmark my ass. You lucky dog you. I've met Alexis and she's a hottie. I don't know how you managed it, but I salute you." Olivia stands and salutes smartly.

"Jerk."

"I suppose you don't have time for a tour."

I grin sheepishly and toe the floor. "Can I take a rain check?"

"Sure, goober."

"Thanks."

As I leave, she shouts, "If you see Alexis again, be sure to put in a good word for me."

"Uh huh."

In the lobby I stare at the portly guard who has set up a vigil over my bike. I hand my badge to the secretary. "Is he going to go all Clint Eastwood on my ass?"

She looks up. "Probably." She gives me a wink. "James." The guard perks up at his name. "I've got a Ms. Townsend on the line. She's locked herself out of her car. She's in Lot H. Can you help her or should I call someone else?"

"Uh, no. I'll be right there." He takes off.

"Wow. He's faster than I thought."

"Yeah, but he has a big crush on Ms. Townsend."

"Poor girl. Thanks."

"Hey, you've given me months worth of entertainment in just one morning."

For a moment I wig out, thinking that there were security cameras in Anna's office. Then I realize that she's talking about James and I's little standoff on bicycle safety.

"No problem, take care."

"You too." I unlock my bike and wheel it outside just in time to see James huffing and puffing his way back.

"You little shit, stop!"

God, that man can move. Hopping on, I peddle off as fast as I can. Dear Lord, I hope the rest of my day isn't as exciting.


Part 6

I shut the front door behind me and drop into the white plastic chair on the porch. My hair, still slightly damp from my shower, drips on to my ratty t-shirt as well as the worn wood of the porch. Digging through the ice in the cooler I pull out a beer and hand it to Ed. He twists the top off and hands it back.

He smirks at me. "Wimp."

I raise an eyebrow, then stare at his leg in puzzlement.

"What?"

"Nothing, but I think there's a ladybug on your shoe."

"What!"

He leaps out of the chair and does the dance of the creeped out. Sue and I laugh. "Wimp."

Realizing he's been had he grumbles and sits back down. He pulls out a pack and shakes out two cigarettes handing me one. I take it and search my pockets for a lighter, Ed laughs and hands me his. Damn thing has run off on me again. Lighting it I take a drag handing Ed back his lighter. Every Monday at three o'clock Sue, Ed, and I meet on the porch to unwind from our day, because Mondays are traditionally evil days. We sit out here rain or shine and watch life move by on the street. Ed is an RN at a nursing home. He works from three am to ten. He's made of stronger stuff than I, but he says he doesn't mind the job. He loves the patients on his floor and when one of them dies he's depressed for days. I think he's closer to them than most of them are to their own kids. Once he told me the best part about the job was the stories, that if you actually took the time to sit down and listen everybody has a story to tell, its like reliving history sometimes. Ed also told me one day he's going to open his head up and spill all those stories on to paper, I don't doubt it I know he majored in English. Sue also majored in English that's how she met Ed, I'm not sure how she met Rob I think it was at a party. Since Sue majored in English she is of course the morning manager of the local coffee shop The Beanery. She has no love of the job but it pays well. Rob works as a cook and he works all sorts of shifts but if he's home he joins us.

"So how was work?" Sue asks taking a sip of beer.

Ed grunts and I keep telling myself 'I will not blush' over and over again. "Fine."

"Anything exciting?"

"Caught an Nurse stealing patients' meds."

"Kick his ass?" I know how protective Ed is of his patients.

"Hardcore."

We grin at each other and clink beers.

"Carmen anybody throw a typewriter at you?

"Not today. Almost got run over, but when do I not, and had to take a package to MR."

"You stop in and see your sis?"

"Yeah."

"You sound uncertain."

I laugh, "No I saw her, I, I, I just overheard something that has me puzzled and a little bit concerned."

"Well when you eavesdrop on other's conversations that's bound to happen."

I stick my tongue out at Sue. We ease into a comfortable silence watching people come home from work and kids come home from school. I try to stifle a yawn but I'm really worn out today. "I think I'm going to head in and take a nap or something."

""Kay. You do look a little tired, but I know how your family dinners can wipe a person out."

I giggle, so true. Standing I yawn and then give a big stretch.

"Hold it right there missy. What's that?"

I freeze hands over my head. "What's what?"

"That." Sue pokes my exposed stomach.

Oh crap, I forgot about that. "Um¼ a birthmark."

Ed coughs, "love rhino."

I turn glaring at him.

"That looks like a hicky and its on your stomach buster."

I blush, as I turn red Sue and Ed laugh. Giving up I sit back down in my chair covering my face with my hands.

"So do you want me to guess why you're sooooo tired today, cause I'm going to guess it has nothing to do with family dinner night."

I don't say anything.

"I can come up with lots of scenarios in my evil little mind. I can start telling you about them at any point¼"

I look up and see an evil glint in Sue's eye and I know any second she's going to start really embarrassing me. "Me, Anna, and a desk." I blurt out.

Ed chokes on his beer.

"See that wasn't so bad. The truth will set you¼ you and Anna¼ Are you serious?"

I just bury my face in my hands and nod.

"Whoa."

"Yeah what Ed said. Details girl, details. I promise none of this will go to Rob."

I tell them everything, well not everything they don't need me drawing diagrams of the positions we did, that's just not their business. I tell them because nothing got resolved, all the uncertainty and angst is still blasting around inside me. She's still leaving, we still had rabid horny rabbit sex all over her office, and I still feel like a schmuck on a personal level cause each time we have sex I can't say no. I can't talk about my fears and the fact I walk away from these encounters losing more of myself to her. When I finish spilling my guts, I instantly regret it. I had no right to drag them into it. Its my life and my mess. Sighing I sip my beer and sit back.

"Hmm." is all Ed says as he reaches in the cooler for another beer.

"You're becoming quite bold as you've become older. I can't believe you¼ with people in the next room¼ wow."

I almost tell them it was the sex fairies fault, but I stop myself because I realize it will make me sound insane.

"It's not all bad." Ed breaks in. "You set some boundaries."

"Huh?"

"He has a point. You clearly stated that you would not put up with her seeing Jen outside of work."

I pout, "but I'm supposed to be the only one who understands Edspeak."

Sue laughs, "Carmen, hun, I use to work in childcare before I moved up to making mochas. I can decipher the most mumbled of speech."

"Fine." I throw up my hands.

They laugh at me and I grin back.

"We're just proud you got laid. Regardless of how you got laid you were going to freak out on yourself and the girl who laid you."

"Jesus Sue. That's so crude."

She sighs, "Yep, people forget girls can be that way. But you know I'm right."

Ed answers for me, "yep." They clink beer bottles.

"Carmen enjoy it, but don't be a doormat. When the time comes for her to leave talk about your relationship. What's the worse that could happen, you follow her to New York and be her love slave?"

I blush. It has a certain amount of appeal, if I want to jump ahead, way ahead in our relationship, that has everything to do with just sex. "I - I couldn't just leave."

"Why not? I think, and I'm sure Ed would back me here, the best thing you could do would be to get the hell out of this town."

"Here, here." Ed agrees.

"What and leave guys to your own devices."

Looking at each other we start to laugh.

"Okay guys I need a nap. All the analyzing the last few days has worn me out. Wake me up if Anna calls she mentioned something about dinner."

"Sure will do."

I dump the inch of lukewarm beer into the sink and toss the bottle into the re-cycling. Yawning I stretch again smiling I rub the love bite on my stomach. The smile fades as I make my way to my room. I really need to somehow override the sex fairies so I can have an actually conversation with Anna. Once those pesky fairies get involved all thinking is over.



- - -- - - - - --



I'm not really surprised to find myself standing on the edge wind whipping my hair around and the smell of rain on the air. I can hear the trees swaying and the high schoolers yelling and laughing. Something grabs my ankle, startled I jerk back and look down to find a bloody hand wrapped around my ankle. Another hand comes up grabbing the dirt and brush then Heidi is pulling herself up. I sigh and resign myself to her bloody decomposing corpse, she looks up at me her blue eyes searching mine.

"What?"

"A little help."

"Why should I¼ fine." I help her up. She brushes herself off I ignore the dirt and worms that land on the ground next to us. I wait for an arrogant retort but she just stands there in silence.

I begin to fidget. "Why are we here?" I finally give in and break the silence.

"Because this is important."

"Its not important its depressing."

"Don't you remember this?"

"Of course I do."

"Not really, its there but it's warped and twisted because you refuse to see it for what it really is."

"Then what is this?"

"Truth. Yours, mine, and everybody else who's connected. The night I died do you remember it?"

"Of course I do. How could I forget something like that?"

"Then tell me about it¼ every detail."

"Fine, it was a, a, a cloudy fall night. The high school kids had come up here to party and you invited me to meet you up here."

"No."

"No. What do you mean no?"

"It wasn't cloudy, there was a full moon out¼" The sky changed it became clear and a full moon shined down illuminating everything in soft tones.

"and it was spring not fall." The trees changed color turning into a soft green from vibrant reds and yellows.

"I didn't invite you up here you came with Olivia, Jen, and Ashley. Why would I invite you up here? They had caught us making out the day before in the music room and threatened my very life if I ever came within 20 feet of you again."

I turned away from her violently my eyes wildly roaming the clearing looking for anything that seemed familiar even my own memories were treacherous. "I, I, came up here and my sister noticed you and drug you off to, to, to yell at you. I ran because everybody was staring at me and then Jen looked at me, she was pitying me. I¼ I came here to get away from everyone and you found me?" It came out as a question. I saw a younger me run into the clearing long dark hair near tears the young me just stood there, so lost in the center of the clearing, staring at the moon and then she came out of the shadows, so confidant so cool, with her leather jacket and her blonde hair.

"You had a mullet I had forgotten that."

"Well if I had gotten to grow older I would have eventually realized how uncool it was."

I smiled at that, then remembered who I was conversing with and it fell away.

She draped the jacket over my shoulders and took my arm and we walked coming closer and closer to the edge. Heidi laughed at me and promised she'd keep me from going over the edge. Then she kissed me, I didn't try to stop her. Disgusted with my younger self I turn away.

"Not quiet the monster you remember me to be?"

"I was 13. You were what 16? I still think that was pretty sick of you now, even if I wasn't smart enough to realize it then."

Suddenly there is a horrible noise and shouting, but I can't look.

"You really should see this."

"No!" I put my hands over my ears. I want to scream. Make it stop. Make this whole horrible dream stop. I won't look, I can't look because¼ because¼ I know it will be awful and the truth of it will shatter my soul. Somehow I know this and I keep my back turned on that night. If I see it, if I truly make myself comprehend that night, I know the truths that make my foundation will crumble. Heidi's voice is whispering in me head telling me that until I remember the this night everything remains frozen inside me I'll never grow up I'll never be a real person, I will just continue on stuck in this moment having it haunt my dreams and subconscious until I break. Fear makes my heart hammer, it pounds a dark rhythm in my chest. Slowly I remove my hands from my ears minutes have passed and the clearing is silent. Unable to stop myself I turn around and see the younger me and Olivia, Heidi is gone. I am crouched on the ground staring in terror over the edge of the cliff as Olivia stands over me. Straining my hearing I hear Olivia say, "Carmen what have you done?"

With a scream I leave my dream and jerk up right in my bed. "Oh fuck." I killed her this is what my brain has been trying to tell me. I, I, oh God is this what Olivia protects me from. The knowledge of myself.

"You okay?"

Who the hell? Looking up there's someone sitting on the edge of my bed. How did I not notice them? My room is dark wrapped in shadows, a faint light coming in from the now open bedroom door highlights the person on my bed.

"Hey it was just a bad dream. Its okay now."

They turn their head just an inch to the right - blue eyes. Somehow I've dragged Heidi's ghost out of my nightmares into reality. Fear, basic fear, propels me out of my bed and as far away as I can get from her.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I babble it out over and over again, then sobs come racking my body. What do you say to the person you shoved over a cliff? They don't make Hallmark cards for that kind of sorry.

Hands wrap around me and pull me into a warm body that feels very much alive and I'm surrounded by the smell of lilacs. "Anna?"

"Yes."

"It's you."

"Of course. Who else would I be?"

"A ghost."

She laughs, "no ghosts here."

"You sure?"

"Yes. Just one tired, yet hungry consultant."

"Oh." I just really need to be cuddled at the moment and I burrow into Anna's arms, not really caring why she's here or how she got into my room.



- - -- - -- - -



I stare into the mirror, water drips down my nose and splashes into the white porcelain sink. I sent Anna back to the kitchen with the others. Told her I just needed a minute to freshen up and wake up, she seemed hesitant to leave me. That gesture warmed my heart more than any round of sweaty nude bedroom aerobics we could ever partake in. She does care about me. Wiping my face with a towel I catch my eyes in the mirror. So those are the eyes of a killer? I can't be a murderer I don't feel like one. God I was only 13, maybe it was an accident, sweet innocent 13 year olds don't kill people. It had to have been an accident. I need to talk to Olivia she was there¼ God why hasn't she talked to me about this before. My face mocks me it looks so innocent and sweet but it's a killers face. Pull it together Carmen, its like the conversation you overheard this morning, you only got parts of it a big chunk is still missing. I feel somewhat better but my stomach rolls and jerks.

Coming into the kitchen I smile at Ed who is tossing the salad at Rob who is flicking chicken marinade at Ed. I don't see Anna and my smile staggers, did I imagine her? Maybe I did, maybe she was never really there. God am I losing my mind?

"Hey Car what's up? You look lost."

"I think I'm losing my mind I thought Anna was in my room."

"Oh she's here. Her and Sue are bonding on the porch. Us male types have been sent inside to forage for food."

Ed makes grunting noise behind Rob. Rob flicks more sauce at Ed.

"Are we grilling chicken or Ed?"

"I'm sure Ed wouldn't mind being slathered in sauce and thrown to a pack of lesbians." You can just see Rob waiting for the laughter he knows his joke is going to cause, but you want to wince cause the joke isn't that funny.

All Ed says is "Dude." and dumps the bowl of salad over Robs head leaving the bowl resting on Robs head. It covers his eyes and Rob mutters, "was it something I said?"

"Yep. Jokes should come naturally and not be forced."

"Fine. Everyone's a critic."

I make my way outside. A little frightened that I will find Sue giving Anna the third degree, and even more terrified that I'll find them best buddies. Opening the door I poke my head out and find them heads tilted together in some sort of conspiracy. A sisterhood that only the truly feminine can understand. Olivia, Ashley, Jen and I have more of a fraternity going on. And I know I should be terrified.

Just as I have reached my decision to run for the hills, Anna looks up and catches me with those blue-eyes of hers, she smiles and beckons me to her. I give her a goofy smile and go to her. I slide on to the porch railing behind her and she leans her head back onto my thigh smiling up at me. All I can think of is 'what dream?'

"So I take it Anna called?"

Sue laughs at me. "Yep."

"But you didn't wake me up for her call."

"Nope. I thought she should come over and experience a little bit of your world."

"You wanted to give her the third degree."

Sue laughs, "and that too."

"I'm sorry Anna."

Anna pats my leg, "its okay. You just have some good friends."

"I do, don't I."

"Yes, there a little more real than your Musketeer buddies."

"Uh huh." I slip my feet on to the armrests of Anna's chair. However, Anna's comment has caused a bout of reflection. I do have two very good friends in Sue and Ed, and well then there's Rob. When I think about close knit friends I think of Olivia, Jen, and Ashley, but how many times have Ed and Sue been there for me. Mentally I slap myself around, 'Jesus Car, grow up and stop taking people for granted.'

"They're a lot more true than my Musketeer buddies." I'm not sure why I blurted it out but when I see Sue's happy yet watery smile, I know I did a good thing. Maybe I do need to grow up. I lean forward and kiss the top of Anna's head. It is a little weird to have her here invading my territory, I've never really invited a girl over before into my space, I think I was to busy waiting for the other shoe to drop and to find her and Jen wrapped up in some intimate embrace. I find that it's not as scary as I thought it would be to share my private space.

"Hey girls¼" Sue glares at Rob. "I mean fully developed women, who are far more wise and intelligent than I."

I snicker.

"Dinner is ready so come eat."



-- - - - -



Dinner was great and everyone was well behaved for being the ill mannered barbarians that they are. Some how over the course of the evening I got up the courage to ask Anna to spend the night. Oh trust me the sex fairies were all happy about that. They were planning a little circus of delights, but while the fairies might have been willing emotional me wasn't. I poured some rain on the little bastards circus. Anna I think was surprised as well that I didn't want to talk about things, and I didn't want to have lusty girl on girl sex. I just wanted to snuggle. I just didn't want to feel alone.

I'm staring at the ceiling. I can't sleep I tried counting sheep until they begged me to stop so they could rest for a while. I've never had someone in my bed before and the invasion of space is a little much to get use to. Also there's that little uncertain fear rolling around in the back of my head that I may or may not be a killer. I resolve in my mind that I need to talk to Olivia. Rolling over I snuggle into Anna's shoulder smelling the scent of lilacs, breathing it in it flows into me soothing me and my eyelids grow heavy and I slip into sleep.



- - - -- - - - - -

I never got around to talking to Olivia its almost been a week. It rests on the back of my mind and I try to ignore its there. I don't feel like a killer that's the one thing I keep reflecting on. Although I'm not really sure how it would feel to be a killer I'm just certain that I can't be one. However, a part of me knows all I have to do is ask Olivia and I would know everything, but something stops me each time I start to get my nerve up. Something in the back of my head tells me I don't want to know the truth, because it will be ugly and painful.

Things with Anna remain for the most part in the horny rabbit stage, all I can say is that there only a few place left in town where we haven't had sex. Yesterday she told me she couldn't come over today, and she was being all dodgy when I asked her why not. All she told me was 'things are coming to a head.' That made me all gloomy, that means her work here is almost done and she'll be leaving me. I knew it was coming but still, it sucks. It sucks on so many levels but the big one is I have yet to tell her I've completely fallen for her. I think I'm still waiting for that other shoe to drop.

Its Sunday and I'm pouting on the porch. I tried to read but the words kept swimming and staying out of focus. The day is nice and I'm bored out of my mind. I have fled the house as Rob and Sue are making up for working opposite schedules most of the week and Ed at work covering for someone. The phone rings breaking me from my pouting. I answer hopeful that its Anna, its not its Kevin.

"Hey Carmen, where have you been hiding yourself?"

I feel mildly guilty that I've been ignoring the poor confused boy.

"Nowhere."

"Uh huh. So is your clit worn out?"

"I-I-I can't believe you said that to me." My face turns bright red.

"Yeah but you didn't deny it so I'm also guessing you're a nice shade of red right now."

"What do you want butthead?"

"Nothing. You know what tonight is?"

'Yeah the night the sex fairies get to pout.' What I say is, "no."

"It's a full moon. You up for some midnight madness up at the grotto?"

Oh man we haven't done midnight madness in forever. "Yes!." I whoop out. "We haven't done that in forever."

"So you game?"

"Oh yeah. You're a lifesaver I thought I was going to die of boredom."

"Hey what are best buds for."

"And you are the best."

"That I am. I'll pick you up at 10ish?"

"You betcha." Hanging up I go pull my beloved bike from the house and ride it down to the gas station to check the tires.



- - - - -- - - - - -



God its beautiful up here. We're crashing up and down the trails and with the full moon striking the earth it might as well be daytime. I'm following Kev up the trail at the fork he takes a left speeding up. "Kev!" I yell. That way goes to the cliff and where the high school kids party, its dangerous and I so don't want to be there right now.

He continues on like he doesn't hear me, in fact the bastard speeds up. "Kevin!" I shout again. He seems to go even faster. I concentrate on catching up so I can kick his ass for being so stupid. He goes over a small hill and I lose him. I come down the hill and skid to a stop, I try to catch my breath so it will stop drowning out all other noise. Listening I don't hear anything. I scan the shadows of the trees and trails looking for his bike light. Nothing. When I catch him he's a dead man. I almost swallow my tongue when I realize that if Kev kept on this trail he'll come right to the cliff. "Bastard." I mutter to myself. I pray that I haven't lost another person to that thing. Setting off on a slower pace I go up another small hill as I reach the top I see a light coming from the clearing ahead. Speeding up I coast down yelling for Kevin one more time. Bursting into the clearing I'm blinded. Clamping onto my breaks I nearly send myself flying. Coughing in the dust I hold my hand up to shield my eyes. There's no Kevin, but there are some other people, "Anna? Jordan?"

Anna smiles sadly at me and Jordan refuses to even meet my eyes.

"Carmen could you step over there and join your sister and Jen." Its not a question really. I turn and see Olivia and Jen. Olivia looks scared and Jen looks annoyed. Puzzled I feel my forehead crinkle in confusion, "Um¼ what's going on?"

"Carmen." Jen barks at me. "Just do as the insane lady says."

'Insane?' This is all very surreal. What happened to Kev? How did they all get up here? Why are they up here? I know my sister and Jen hate exercise that doesn't come from the bedroom. "What is going on? You all didn't do a bunch of drugs did you?"

"Carmen go stand over there." Anna orders. Oh that makes the sex fairies all happy they love it when Anna gets all authoritarian. The little bastards really want to see her in a leather dominatrix outfit maybe with a little whip. I've totally zoned out, caught up in the scene the sex fairies have created.

"Carmen don't make me say it again."

"What?" I so wasn't paying attention. She motions me to back up only this time she waves me over with the hand holding the gun. Even though I told my body to never do it again my eyes bug out of my head, 'Holy Shit!' I've been having rabid horny rabbit sex with an insane person.

I let go of the bike and slowly back up into Jen and Olivia. I'm scared, and pissed at myself. Only I would choose to fall in love with a loony. If I live through this I seriously have to rethink my taste in women. I finally bump into something and give a start as hands wrap around my waist. Jen whispers in my ear that its her and that everything is going to be okay. I look back at her my eyes wide in fear, "how is it going to be okay? We're in the middle of nowhere and she has a gun."

"Trust me."

"Are you insane?" She shrugs in a manor that is less than convincing. I look to Olivia and find her hiding in Jen's shadow, I consider how odd it is that her last moments look like a metaphor for her life.

"Shut up!" Anna yells.

I jump, Olivia jumps, and Jen just gives a small smile. She whispers to me, "that Anna chick she's all yours you can have her."

I roll my eyes. God we're going to die and she's still being a jackass.

"We're just waiting for one more person to show." Anna says grimly.

I fidget nervously my mind flashes from thought to thought but won't stay focused I and I think I might faint.

"Bend over and put your head between your knees."

"What?" I look at Jordan. 'Why is she being nice?'

"You're having a panic attack. Bend over before you faint." Her eyes meet mine and I see worry and concern there.

"Okay." I do what she says I nearly fall over but Jen catches me. I start to feel better as I stand back up I hear footsteps coming towards us. Suddenly Ashley bursts through the trees her hands are in front of her face following close behind is the blonde, Alexis. 'Hail, hail the gangs all here.'

Ash stumbles, "Hey baby I'm all for kinky on our second date but you think I can take the blindfold off?"

"Sure babe." Alexis mocks her.

Ashley takes off the blindfold blinks for a moment then says, "Whoa."

"Over by your friends." Anna shows the gun and Ashley slinks over like a whipped puppy.

"What the hell is going on?" Jen barks.

"Ms. Bridgewater please shut up. You're hardly in the position to question me."

Jen stiffens but goes quiet.

"However, we are here for answers."

"Answers about what?" I ask. I think one of those swirling undercurrents just turned into a whirlpool. I can feel my hands shake with fear. I have a sinking feeling in my gut I know what this is about.

"The truth. The truth about a spring night long ago when you were in high school and a young girl named Heidi Whitman died."

The shaking leaves my hands traveling up my body with a fierce cold front.

"What the hell do you care?" Olivia blurts out.

"I care very much. Heidi was my hero¼"

"Some hero she was a bitch¼"

"Shut up! What do you know. Heidi took care of me made sure I got food and that I did my homework¼"

"Why would that selfish bitch do that for you?

"She was my sister."

I think we are all stunned by this but I'm not. Her eyes have been trying to show me the truth for so long, they're Heidi's eyes. I suddenly understand that pain I saw in her eyes in that one unguarded moment. For a moment I feel so sad for her, then the fear returns¼ oh god I killed her sister.

"She didn't have a sister did she?" Ashley questions

"Yeah she did she would have been Carmen's age. But she was fat with red hair and blue¼" Olivia trails off really seeing Anna, "oh God."

"She can't be Heidi's sister her last name is Russell not Whitman."

I wince Ashley can be a little slow.

"After my sister's murder my mother moved away and remarried Jordan's father I took his last name."

"Well that explains why she's willing to help you kidnap four innocent people." Jen snarls.

"You all were there that night. You all are hardly innocent. So now we come full circle and return to the scene of the crime and maybe somebody's memory will clear itself."

Jen calmly moves the moment on, "Nobody killed your sister she killed herself."

"Lair! She wouldn't have done that, not to me. She was all I had our mother was worthless, and she was the one who took care of me."

"Well let me just breakdown your hero for you. She was a bully, an extortionist, and liked to take advantage of younger girls." Jen broke in savagely.

I'm not so sure what Jen is doing is a wise idea, Anna is getting more and more agitated. I can just imagine that gun going off and someone else dying in this cursed place.

"You lying bitch!"

"Am I? Just ask Carmen."

Everybody looks at me and I just squirm. My head begins to ache and my vision swims. I don't want to go back into the past, although the present is pretty scary right now. "Stop it!" I shout.

"Car¼" Anna's voice is sweet, "please tell me I need to know. I need to know everything."

"No you don't." I'm almost sobbing now.

"Go on Carmen. Tell the crazy person how you started tutoring Heidi and how we eventually caught her one day in the music room kissing you and touching you."

"Shut up Jen!" I crumble to the ground as my head threatens to spill open.

"Carmen is that true?"

"Tell her about how noble and good her sister was."

"Carmen please. I need to know what happened."

"Tell her about how we threatened her if she ever came within 20-feet of you again."

"Jen leave my sister alone. Don't make her relive that." Olivia's voice breaks in fierce. Olivia cradles me and I cry into her arms. "Jen just shut up."

Jen just keeps going oblivious to the land mine she's about to set off. "Tell her how Heidi just couldn't stay away and how she cornered Carmen out her in the clearing and how Olivia found them and threatened to tell the police what that bitch was doing with her sister and faced with owning up to her actions she jumped rather than face up to her shit."

I'm crying now the pain in my head near epic proportions I feel like Athena herself might spring from it.

"Is that what happened? Please Carmen I need to know."

"Of course it is." Olivia and Ash chime in.

While I respond with a croaked out, "I don't know."

"God she left a note. What more do you need?" Ashley breaks in.

Anna calms done composing herself at the mention of the note she looks smug. "Ah yes the note. The note is a fake."

"What?" all of us are stunned

"Yes, even at 13 I knew my sister hadn't written that suicide note and a few years ago I had the police open up the files and send it to a hand writing expert. It wasn't a match."

"That's not possible." Olivia breaths out in a strained voice.

"Oh it is but you want to know whose handwriting it matched." Its like a train wreck we have to watch her lips for the answer even though I know we don't want it.

"It matched yours Olivia."

"How the hell did you get a writing sample? Plus it was years ago my hand writing has changed since then."

"You'd be amazed what teachers hold on too and what is kept in permanent record for years and years."

Anna has a dangerous glint in her eyes, she's caught something and she's not going to let it go.

I push away from Olivia getting to my feet I ask, "Is this all about revenge?" My voice is quiet yet it carries on the wind.

Anna blinks. "Mostly."

"So everything that has happened has been a well played fact finding mission?"

She won't look me in the eye and I have my answers. "So did you fuck all of us and have your friends whore for you just for the truth?"

"No, yes¼ no its not like that."

My voice is getting stronger, I just heard the other shoe drop, but I'm use to being in this hurtful place of betrayal.

"Of course it is. Its just like that. Is it worth it?"

"If I find my sister's killer then yes it is!"

That shuts me up, that killer is very likely to be me.

Anna turns to Olivia gun loosely pointing at her chest. "So Olivia, tell me about that note."

I can see Olivia's eyes dart nervously around, she's avoiding, I can tell. "I don't know what to tell you. It happened just like Jen said."

"So you were there Jen. You saw it happen?"

"Of course she did." Olivia snaps.

"Uh, no¼ no I didn't. You told me what happened, but asked me not to bring it up because Carmen was so upset. Carmen didn't speak or do anything for two-weeks just sat in her room. We took care of her." Jen seems puzzled and she stares critically at us. "I was the last one to the cliff."

Anna sighs, "You know I would have bet money you pushed my sister. You're always the cold one, the one whose always using people for your pleasure and then discarding them without a second thought. Even your friends. How many times have you called Olivia over cause you have an itch you need scratched then kicked her out? The whole time ignoring the fact she's still in love with you."

"That's not true." Jen says dazed.

"Or all the times your friends had a girlfriend you wanted, so friendship be damned you seduced them away."

"No its not like that." Jen hastily defends herself.

If I didn't feel so miserable I'd applaud Anna she saying things I always wanted too.

"Oh its just like that. You're a praying mantis fucking and decapitating your way through your friends."

"Now hold on¼"

"Then there's Ashley. She likes to gamble and fuck every willing body she can get her claws into. Then when the money is gone she just calls Olivia for a cash advance to keep her going. When Olivia's not fast enough and the mob wants the money she owes them they make Ashley do a little favor or they'll take a payment out of her flesh. You work as an accountant for the prison how convenient and its amazing the amount of drugs getting into the local correctional facility."

Ash glares back defiantly, "so."

"But what I want to know," Anna continues, "is what you know about Olivia that she doesn't want anybody else to know. I want to know what horrible secret you know that Olivia, the model employee, will skim money from the company that she has faithfully served for years to pay you off."

Olivia's eyes dart frantically around.

My mind starts to whirl everything coming together piece by piece and when her eyes hit mine I almost cry for her at the fear and loathing I see in my sister's eyes."

"Come on Olivia what dirt does Ashley have on you? Why is your handing writing on the note?"

"I-I-I¼" she stammers.

"Me."

Its quiet I can hear the crickets chirp. All eyes are on me, and I want to vomit. "She's protecting me. Aren't you Olivia?"

"Why would she protect you? Carmen you're the one person in all of this that hasn't done anything wrong." Anna's voice is soothing, almost a caress, but whatever we had is very dead now.

"Because I pushed Heidi over the edge."

Its silent for a moment, then everybody but Ash and Olivia bust out, "What?"

"She's right." Ash confirms what I've been afraid of.

I look to Olivia but she won't look at me she just stares at the ground. 'Oh Olivia what have I put you through.' I want to cry again but I feel oddly detached from my emotions.

Ashley speaks up. "We came up her for a party and when Olivia spotted Heidi she just snapped she didn't want that bitch anywhere near her sister again. She comes back from yelling at her to again stay away from Carmen, and we notice that Carmen's gone and that Heidi hasn't come back. Expecting the worse we split up to look for Carmen. Olivia found them first then I came into the clearing Heidi and Carmen were fighting. Olivia yelled at Heidi to get away from her sister and Carmen got a good push in and Heidi went over the edge. We came up with the suicide note to protect Carmen."

'Oh God. OhGodohgodohgod. I am a killer.' I sink to the ground. All of this was a game. I feel so hallow so much is going on.

"Olivia is this true?"

Weakly Olivia mumbles, "yes."

Oh shit, how well I don't really know myself.

"Carmen?"

"I don't remember that night. I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I start crying saying 'I'm sorry' over and over.

"Carmen I need this I need closure what happened to my sister!" She's shouting at me waving the gun around.

"Anna." Jordan barks out trying to settle her step-sister down.

"If they say it happened that way then it must have." My arms are wrapped around my legs and I'm sobbing now.

"There's no fucking way Carmen pushed Heidi over the edge of that cliff." Jen snaps me out of my hysteria.

She's glaring at Ashley and my sister. "Carmen was what all of 70 pounds of geeky muscle."

"Well I was shocked." Ashley backs herself up.

But there's something in the tone of her voice that sets off my warning bells, there's something false crawling all over her speech. Suddenly I remember my dream. I stand up in a daze and in a hallow voice replay what my memories have been trying to tell me. "I needed to get away you all were so mad at me. So I came here to get away and Heidi was here and we talked and it was cold so she gave me her jacket. We walked closer to the edge but I was scared, but she promised to protect me. Then¼"

"Then what?" Anna almost screamed.

"Carmen don't." Olivia warns me.

"Then¼" I stagger as pain lances into my skull, but then pain vanishes somehow I've pushed past the barriers I've placed on myself. "Then you came. Shouting at us. Yelling at me for being a whore and stealing your girlfriend." In horror I whisper, "It was you Olivia."

I'm back in that night and Olivia comes tearing down on us like some sort of vengefully Goddess. Heidi for all her macho bravo just smirks, calling Olivia a cold fish and me very trainable. My stomach turns they are yelling and I just try to become small. Olivia pushes Heidi and her foot catches on a rock sending her over the edge. Olivia turns on me screaming, "Carmen what have you done? This is all your fault you stupid girl, if it wasn't for you none of this would have happened. Its always about you. God you're so fucking special. Olivia why can't you be smart like Carmen? Olivia why can't you be quiet and nice like your sister? The one thing that I have that we can't possibly share and you steal that too. You bitch!" Olivia pushed me and I fell back hitting my head.

I vomit as the memory washes over me. Shaking I pull away from there comforting hands. "You were going to let me¼" I stare at my sister in disgust, she was going to let me continue on thinking I had done this horrible act. All of them have spent a lifetime betraying me and let me live a life where I continuously betrayed myself. They were going to let me take the blame for it all.

Olivia whispers something like "I'm sorry." She comes towards me as if she wants to comfort me.

"No don't touch me!" I scream. I'm not thinking anymore I'm just reacting. I can't face them: all of them liars. Anna yells for me and I can hear Jordan telling her to leave me alone that she's done enough damage. What would it matter, fucking me was just about revenge. Being with me wasn't ever about me it was about helping her get closer to the people who ruined her world. What's worse I can't decide false love, false friendship, or a false family. Grabbing my bike I take off as fast as I can. I need to create as much distance as I can from this horrible place.

I ride all the way home numb and lost. Somewhere during the bike ride home it hits me that Kev was in on it with her, with Anna. He lured me up there, he encouraged me to explore this thing between Anna and I. That is the last straw I shatter and blow away leaving a ghost behind. Everything for so long has been a lie: friendship, love, and family. I leave my bike on the grass and vomit on the porch steps. I am nothing, Carmen doesn't exist she was created by a lie when she was 13. I stumble into my bathroom and pass out.

Time has no meaning I lay on the tile of the bathroom feeling despair cloud everything until blackness coats me. I stagger to my feet and try to wash my face and rinse the bile from my mouth. I stare at my reflection trying to find me inside but Carmen doesn't exist everything she thought was real was only a lie. All of them betrayers and she the worst for believing their promises of love and comfort. I am so disgusted with myself. I raise a fist and smash it again and again into the glass mirror of the medicine cabinet. Glass shatters spearing my hand, blood drips, but I don't feel it because I can't feel anything, because I'm not real. Then surprisingly my hand smashes through, stunned I stand there then twist it out of the hole I made. I don't feel the glass cut deep into my wrist and when I pull it out I can just stare at it stupidly as the blood bubbles thickly out. Weakly my legs give out and I crumble to the floor. I watch it pulse in time with my heartbeat. Part of me knows this is bad and screams for me to run for the phone but my legs are so weak. Everything is tunneling into gray nothingness.



------ -- - - - ---



"Hey kid."

"Hey. Where is everybody?"

"The sun has risen and they've fled, and so should have you."

"What's the point of the truth if it destroys?"

"Fire destroys as well but through destruction comes purification."

"So whose truth did I find?"

"Everybody's now they have to deal with themselves and their actions and not pretend they happened to somebody else."

"Good. I'm tired."

"You need to wake up."

"No I don't think so." Sure waking up sounds good in theory but I know pain lies in the waking body.

"The pain will get better."

"Are you really her? Or are you a part of me?"

"Does it matter?"

"No I guess not." I yawn and lean back against a tree watching the sun set in the grotto.


Part 7

There's a beeping noise. It's got a good rhythm but I couldn't dance to it. I open my heavy eyelids to find myself in a hospital room. I haven't got a clue how I got here. A dull throbbing radiates up from my wrist and it comes back to me, the mirror and the blood. Oh God. I almost died. The white curtain parts and a young man in a white coat enters.

He blinks for a moment. "Oh good, you're awake. There's a horde of people waiting outside to see you. Also a resident psychiatrist will be down later today to talk to you. Now let me look at that wrist."

"Who are you?"

"I'm Doctor Schroedinger."

I guess that means he's qualified to look at my booboo.

He makes some tsking noises. "Well, it looks good. You're very lucky that your roommate heard all that noise and went to check on you. You could have bled out and died."

I feel myself grow paler.

"Take deep breaths; don't faint on me here."

I do as the doctor orders.

"You okay?"

I nod. "I think so."

"Good. Shall I send your family in?"

"No."

He pauses, looking at me with concern.

"I think it's best if I don't see them."

"They're all very worried."

"Yeah, but they're a big part of my problem."

He nods but doesn't say anything. I give him the names of the only two people I want to see right now: Ed and Sue.

He leaves and I hear my mother shouting something in Spanish. For the first time I'm happy that I have no clue what she's saying. The next time I wake up there are tons of flowers, cards, and Ed. He looks at me, half worried and half relieved.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"Everything is a lie." I feel tears gather in my eyes.

"What?"

"Friends, family, love¼ even me. I'm a lie."

"Hey now. You're the realist chick I know."

I give him a watery smile.

"How can I make this better, Car?"

"I want to leave."

"You can go home when the Doc says so."

"No, I want to leave here. I can't live here anymore. I need to go somewhere else and learn who this Carmen person is." I know I sound insane but Ed just nods his head and seems to follow me.

He smiles and says, "'Kay."



- - - -- - ---- ---



I was in that stupid hospital for two weeks under a suicide watch. While in the hospital I received a thick letter from Anna. I threw it in the trash without opening it. I have no interest in her side of things or apologies or whatever else may be in that letter. She thoroughly fucked me over; at first it was in a good way but in the end it was in a mean, selfish, lying way. Jen tried to see me several times but could never get in. She sent flowers and they went in the garbage as well. Sue broke down while visiting me on my third day in the hospital, telling me that Olivia and Ashley were in prison awaiting trial for embezzling funds from MR Tech. I just stared at her funny and then started crying. I don't know why I was crying. My sister had totally screwed up my life and let me think that I was a cold-blooded murderer. Sue and I hugged each other and cried the afternoon away. I think she was crying for me but I haven't got a clue what I was crying for. Right before I was going to be released I finally told Sue and Ed the whole story. We had to dog pile Sue to keep her from flying to New York to kick Anna's ass. The day I got released from the hospital Ed picked me up in a big old moving truck. On the way out of town I called my jobs and explained why I was never coming back to work.



- ---- ---- ---



It's two years later and it feels like a decade away from where I used to be. We live in Seattle now. By we I mean Sue, Ed, and me. Sue moved up about eight months after Ed and I got here. She and Rob split up and, at a loss of what to do, she stalked us here. Ed has a cousin who lives in the Emerald City and she helped us out tons. I love it here. The rain, the gloom, - the place is moody just like me. The rocky beaches with the crashing waves - I could stand there all day and watch the waves pound onto the pier on a blustery day.

The rain does put a damper on riding my bike but it's okay. Public transit and I have become good friends, but on the occasional day that the sun peaks out you can find me tearing up and down the hills of Seattle. Ed easily got a job as a RN and he's writing the novel he always threatened to write; it's loosely titled 'Tales of the Forgotten. Sue is dating a cook from the fish house she works at down on the pier; I think she has a thing for cooks. She and Rob are still good friends, but I'm glad to see she's moved on. I finally decided to go back to college to study music. Who knows? I'll probably end up a band teacher. I work part-time at record shop up on Capital Hill. Can I just say yummy? The Hill is the gay district. All I have to say is I fall in lust on a daily basis. Ed and I also play in a jazz band that plays a few weekday nights at a yuppie bar down in Pioneer Square.

Life is good and I'm really happy, happier than I ever was at home. I just didn't realize it until I got away. I do see a therapist; it's only once a month now but in the beginning Ed made me see one twice a week. There are no more sex fairies. I miss the little guys, but as my therapist has said over and over again, after Heidi's death a big part of my inner being stayed a 13-year-old little girl. Well, actually she said it using bigger words that were interwoven with psychobabble. Sex fairies were a product of that experience and allowed me to create a safe way to explore my sexual self or something, blah, blah. This doesn't mean I'm not a sexual person anymore; I just do it without the aid of the sex fairies. I've dated several nice women who have all dumped me because they found me to be "emotionally distant." I like to say that I have trust issues and leave it at that. My therapist is really pushing to explore those trust issues. Damn shrinks.

The only person from back home that I keep in contact with is Justin and, in all honesty, he doesn't really know where I am. I just email him from a Yahoo account. It's pretty anonymous, but if he knew where I was he and my mother would be up here so fast. I will tell them, maybe in another year. I'm still figuring out who this Carmen chick is. I told him the whole story one day not long after Ed and I moved up here. He emailed me back saying that he knew. Seems like Olivia broke down and told Mom and Justin the whole thing. The only thing that I hadn't known was that Olivia and Heidi had been dating. Olivia couldn't have Jen so she went for the next bad girl she could find I guess. Poor Olivia. She's doomed to have bad taste in women, or perhaps it's a genetic trait - I'm not doing so hot myself. Justin, bless the man, I want him to be my real dad so bad; he punched Kev out. Kevin came around while I was in the hospital, begging to see me, going on about how he needed to apologize. He confessed everything to Justin - there's something so dad-like about Justin. You know that nice house with the pool that Kevin got? It turns out that his dad didn't die. Anna gave him a bunch of money for insider info on all of us. The bastard sold us out; it hurts 'cause Kevin had been my buddy since grade school. So much for me being the genius in the family; I never saw any of it coming.



- - - -- - --- - -- - -



Stretching, I feel something bite my toe. "Ow! You little bastard." I stare blurrily down at the end of the bed and at a gray lump. Fumbling for the nightstand, I pick up my glasses and put them on. Clearly now, I can see the gray adolescent cat attacking my wiggling toes under the sheet. "Hey, Nappy. Did your dad kick you out?" Ed brought home the kitten a month ago; he said it followed him home. Then two weeks ago a woman followed him home and now Napoleon, or Nappy as I call him, gets locked out of his dad's room and has to bunk up with Aunt Carmen. Yep, Ed, the man of few words, has a woman in his room, and ten to one they're practicing how to make babies. I pick Nappy up and snuggle with him; he's about the only pussy I've had in my bed recently. Nappy yawns and curls up on my shoulder; I return the yawn and decide to go back to sleep.

Stumbling out of my room I smile at Sue and make a beeline for the coffeepot. Lifting the pot, I sniff it and shrug. It's hot; what do I care if it's a day old. Sitting down, I blink at Sue.

She laughs and messes up my bed-head hair. "You are so lucky you don't share a wall with Ed."

I snort. "Well, it's probably payback for when he had to listen to you and Rob."

She frowns and sticks out her tongue. "Still, it sucks. You want to trade me rooms?"

. I almost choke on my coffee. "Hell no."



- - -- - ---- - ---



I'm shelving new CD's at the music store. It's my day to pick the music, so it's a mix of Miles Davis, some World Beat sampler of music from Cuba, and Sleater-Kinney just to make sure everyone is still awake. It's raining - go figure - but rain with Miles Davis playing in the background is like being at a day spa; it's soothing. I turn the corner and starting shelving some S's when a faster Latin beat comes out of the speakers.

"Oh girl. You're speaking the language of my ancestors."

I laugh at Maria. I could say the same thing but I'm Argentinean not Cuban. It's close I'm sure; well, it's probably not close at all. Maria comes out from behind the counter, swaying her hips to the sassy music.

"Carmen my love, dance with me," she says in a breathy whisper.

It's all I can do not to break out in laughter. She grabs my hand, pulls me into her body, and we dance. I'm not the best dancer, but I'm a good follower if I have a good lead and Maria's the best. It's the gay district so I'm not too worried about shocking people. The worst thing that will happen is that it will draw customers in on this rainy Wednesday. The song ends and the CD switches to the growling vocals of Corrin Tucker from Sleater-Kinney. Clapping hands greet our impromptu dance. I blush and Maria just bows.

"Girl, you know how to work those hips. If I wasn't with Devon I'd give you a test run." Maria slaps me on the ass; I just blush harder and go back to the S section.

Coming around the corner, I notice a woman staring. After looking around I realize she's staring at me; when I look back at her, she studiously starts examining the Soundtrack section. Slightly unnerved, I go back to work but catch her staring at me again out of the corner of my eye. After the whole 'Anna has a gun' thing, I'm a wee bit paranoid. I continue on pretending to work, but I have my eye on her the entire time but she doesn't look back my way. She does seem to be deep in thought about something and I seriously hope it's not about the ET soundtrack she's holding in her hands. I'm somewhat disappointed that she's not staring at me anymore - she is a cutie after all - but relieved at the same time; she's probably a psycho since I find her attractive.

Going back to work I start stocking the T section while at the same time putting stuff back into alphabetical order.

"Um¼ hi," I look up. It's the cute girl who may or may not have been checking me out earlier.

"That was great¼ the dance you and the other girl were doing, you looked hot." She blushes and I find her incredibly endearing. "I mean you two looked good together and¼ I'll just shut up now."

I almost laugh but I know if she is anything like me it took her a whole year's worth of courage to come up to me just now and say all that. So I go with a simple, "Thank you."

She blushes again and I want to kiss her right here and now but I don't. I figure it would be incredibly forward of me since I don't even know her name. "Is there something I can help you with?"

She opens her mouth then shuts it, seemingly to rethink what was going to come out of her mouth, then starts again. "So what was that music you two were dancing to?"

"The genre would be considered Latin, but more specifically it comes off a CD of various Cuban artists."

"Could you show me?"

I gave her an easy smile. "Sure."

"This is the one that's playing." I hand the CD to her. "These here are Cuban, but there's lots of other stuff that's good in here. If you're into dance music there are some good Latin dance mixes. Oh and, if you want to listen before you buy, let me know and I can set you up at a listening station."

She smiles shyly at me and I can feel my brain turning into goo. This is so bad.

"Thanks, I'll let you know if you can help me in any other ways."

Okay, that was clearly flirting. "Um, okay, I'm just going to go back over to the T's and work¼okay."

From back over in the safety of the T section I keep sneaking peaks at her. She mumbles to herself as she checks out various CDs. There's something about her; I can't put my finger on it but she looks familiar. Her hair is a brownish-blonde and falls down right past her shoulders; she's slightly taller than me; and she's wearing black slacks and a white button-down shirt under a gray wool jacket; the outfit makes me think of waitress in a nicer restaurant.

"So." The word in my ear causes me to jump. "I see you have the girl under surveillance. Are you just hot for her or is she going to steal the Latin Music section from us?"

"Maria, you nut. Don't scare me like that."

"Okay. How about I scare you like this?"

Maria proceeds to dig her fingers into my sides and I take off in a run, squealing in laughter as she tries to keep tickling me.

Maria has me cornered in the Christian Rock section when we hear a delicate cough. I look past Maria. 'Oh crap.'

"Uh, yes, did you want to preview those CDs?"

"If it wouldn't be too much trouble; I can see you're busy and all." She gives a cute little grin to let us know she's just kidding with us.

Maria steps over to her, giving me some room to maneuver. "Let me see what you have¼ excellent choices. My ancestors would be proud. I can see our little samba has inspired you to broaden your musical horizons."

"Yes, and the fact that you two dance so well didn't hurt."

"Why thank you. I'm Maria Garcia and this is Carmen Cortez. Welcome to our happy little shop, so happy it's gay."

I roll my eyes; that was subtle.

"And you are?"

"Oh, I'm April Harrison."

"April, it's lovely to meet you." Maria kisses April's hand and I just want to smack her.

April¼ April¼ why is that name familiar?

"Earth to Carmen. The lady would like some service and only the kind you can provide." Maria walks off with a wink.

"I, er, right this way." I set her up at a CD player and open the CD's for her. I give her a smile. "Just let me know if you need anything else." For a moment I think she's going to say something but she doesn't. I go back to the T section. Toto, Tears for Fears, Toni Braxton¼ wait a minute that belongs in B. My eyes search out April; I roll the name around in my brain trying to figure out why she seems familiar. Oooo, I almost have it, a dim smoky memory, something about a bar. Oh dear God, do not tell me I hit on her already when I was drunk at the bar! Maybe I should just ask her.

I'm ringing up April's purchases. Devon has shown up to bring Maria lunch and they're in the back probably having smoochies.

"So, do I know you from somewhere? Because it's bugging me." Well, that was smooth, Car.

"We-we've met before."

"Yeah, I just can't place where."

She grabs her bag of CD's. "Maybe this will help. If you play YMCA for me and my friends, I'll give you a kiss."

The straight girl or not-so-straight girl who gave me a kiss and asked me to coffee. What are the chances that I would run into her again, and here of all places? Oh my god, it's Anna all over again. I wonder who in my family ruined her life. While my brain is racking itself for answers, I start to have a panic attack and faint.

"Carmen¼ Carmen¼ please wake up."

I'm vaguely aware that someone is patting me on the cheek.

"Here, I see this on the movies all the time."

Lots of water slaps me in the face. Slowly I open my eyes and stare into Maria's brown ones.

"Oh good, you're up. The boss man says go home, take the next two days off, and don't sue him."

"Okay." This is a lot of info for me to digest at once and my brain is still scrambled. "What happened?"

"Well, that girl, April, was hitting on you and you fainted. Way to go, Captain Smooth."

"Well pooh. That just sucks." It does. I slowly get up, making sure everything still works.

"For some reason she's still hanging out. Maybe you should go talk to her."

"Right." Maria nudges me in April's direction.

I walk over to her on shaky legs, "No harm done."

Her hazel eyes catch mine. I can tell she's been crying although she tries to hide it. I sit down next to her. "I'm really sorry I scared you like that. If-if you like, would you like to go grab some coffee and maybe talk?" When I say coffee, I mean coffee. No sex until I'm sure they're not psycho.

"Yes, I'd like that. You really scared me, Carmen. If your friend Maria hadn't been here I don't know what I would have done. This isn't how I thought our first meeting would go." She gets up and holds out her hand to help me up.

"Really? And how did you think our first meeting would go?" I hold the door open for her.

"Well, I'd babble and stumble over my words and make an ass out of myself. You would laugh your charming laugh and make everything okay. Then I'd ask you out for dinner and we'd live happily ever after from there."

I laugh and she blushes. "Okay, so it was the lesbian romance novel version that was playing in my head."



- - - -- - - - -



One coffee date turned into several with dinner and lunches thrown in, along with a few romantic walks in the rain. She was a student working on her Masters in Communication with an emphasis in Journalism while working two jobs part time -one at a local paper and also as a waitress at the Thai restaurant on Capital Hill. I don't know how she does it, two jobs, her classes, and us. Somehow she did, but something had to give and it was me. Remember my trust issues and emotional distance? Well, after about two months of that she had enough and everything blew up.

"Why can't you trust me?"

"I do trust you."

"No, you don't."

"What the hell do you want from me?"

"I want you to let me in. God, if I hadn't been to your hometown, I would have no clue where you were from or what happened with your family."

"What do you mean my family?"

"Your sister and your friend Ashley being sent to jail."

"That is none of your business. You had no right."

"It's public knowledge. My friend Heather is from there; when she found out we were dating, and I use the term dating loosely, she told me about it! Why did I have to find out from her and not you?"

I felt violated even though a part of me knew April had done no real wrong. "You bitch!"

"Get out!"

"What? You're throwing me out?"

"It's my house and I'm not just throwing you out. I never want to see you again, Carmen."

"Not like its it's some big loss. Fucking uptight prude." April and I had yet to have sex. Now two months isn't really that long to be in a relationship and not do the deed, but it was a first for me. It should have clued me in on how special April was. She knew I had issues and was willing to wait on the physical part but, no, I was too wrapped up in myself to realize what an ass I was being.

"Get out!" I stepped out and she slammed the door in my face behind me. I wish right then that I had gotten a clue but I didn't.



- - - - --



"Carmen, you seem particularly quiet today. You want to talk about it?"

Blinking in surprise I looked up at my therapist. She's an older woman with graying hair and round glasses that make her look vaguely owlish. "No, not really."

"Are you sure? I can tell that, whatever it is, it's really upsetting you."

"No, I'm fine."

We sat in silence. I can't believe I'm paying for this. "I don't get women, you know." A humorless chuckle escapes. "Which is funny considering I am one."

"What happened?"

"April threw me out because I wouldn't share my feelings." Pausing, I fumble for words. "Why do women want to know what you're thinking and feeling every fricking second? Most of the time I'm not thinking of anything.

"It must have hurt, when she told you to leave."

"Nah, it's no big deal." I'm such a liar; it hurts so much there are tears in my eyes.

"Why do you think she threw you out?"

I almost said because she's a frigid bitch, but then I stopped and actually used my brain which was something I hadn't been doing too much of lately. And people thought I was going to be the next Einstein.



- - - -- - --- --- -

My hour was up and instead of feeling better I felt worse. To top it all off, my therapist had gotten me to talk about some of my trust issues. Sneaky psycho-babbler.

Walking up April's street I ran over my speech in my head. It had been four days since she threw me out and we had not spoken at all. It had struck me very clearly in my session.

"Does April like you? Does she enjoy spending time with you?"

"Well, until the night she kicked me out, of course she did."

"How did you know?"

"She told me. Gave me little love notes and¼" I trailed off, thinking.

"She opened up and told you what she was feeling and thinking. She's not a mind reader; she can't know what your wants or needs are unless you express your feelings and thoughts."

"Hey! I pay you good money; you should be on my side."

"I am. I'm trying to help you. God help me, you make it so difficult." She gave me a smile to let me she know she was teasing.

How April put up with me for nearly two months I'll never know, but hopefully I could still make everything okay. I really liked April and four days apart was like having my Miles Davis CD stolen - it sucked.

I knocked on her door, composing my thoughts; hearing someone coming to the door I fixed my face into an 'I'm really sorry, please forgive me' me face. Her roommate opened the door; seeing me, slammed the door shut in my face. 'Car, that is decidedly a very bad thing.' I knocked again as a drop of rain splashed on the flowers I was holding in my hand. 'Figures.' Hearing footsteps again, I re-fixed my face. This time April opened the door. She looks like shit and I felt instantly feel horrible. Her eyes are bloodshot and her face is pale. I open my mouth to say my apologies and the door is slammed shut again. 'Well, this is a flashback to four days ago.' I knock again. Nothing. Knocking on the door, I shout, "I know you're in there. I just saw you. I'm not leaving until we talk." More rain drops splatter on my head as I wait.

The door opens again; this time April looks pissed. "Oh, now you want to talk. What about what I want, huh?"

"What do you want?" I ask meekly.

"Well, four days ago I wanted to talk, but it wasn't convenient for you."

"April, please, I¼I've been doing a lot of thinking. Can we please talk?"

"Sorry, Carmen, but this prude has a date."

"What? You can't. Jesus, it's only been four days. How could you?"

"How could I? I think that's none of your business." The door slams yet again.

'God damn it!' "April! April, I'm not leaving until you let me in and we talk!" Date my ass, she was not dressed up for a date. The rain is coming down in a light drizzle and I stand in it as seconds turn into minutes and minutes turn into a half hour. The door opens again. God, I hope I've proven my sincerity. April stands there in a khaki slacks and her soft blue sweater¼ and¼ and she looks like she's going out. Shit! I love that sweater; she can't wear that sweater for anybody else but me.

She shuts the door and steps past me. "I'm going out, Carmen. Please go home and leave me alone."

"April, I'm staying here until we talk."

"Whatever," she mumbles at me as she gets in her car and speeds off.

I watch her, stunned. I figured she was bluffing, some sort of test to prove my depth of sorry-ness for acting like an ass.

It's been and an hour and I'm sitting in the rain on her front steps. The flowers are limp in my hand and I'm wondering if I've crossed into that scary gray area of being a stalker. Who in their right mind sits in the rain waiting for the girl that they've wronged to come back from a date with another woman? More time passes and I can't feel my butt anymore; it's gone numb. Ten minutes later I'm doing jumping jacks trying to stay warm. Another 12 minutes and I'm soaked to the bone. Fifteen minutes after that I decide to give up; my throat hurts and I can't stop sneezing. Then a cop car pulls up. Well, I think that answers that for me; I have officially become a stalker. God, I'm going to have to pay my therapist for extra visits now.

As a tall person exits the car, I just hold my hands up. "Look, I was just leaving. I might be a little slow but I can take a hint."

He holds out a hand. "Identification."

Sneezing, I pull out my wallet and hand him my drivers license.

"Don't move; I'll be right back." He goes back to his nice dry car and to radio in.

I just hang my head and toe the wet earth. Hearing another car pull up and the engine cut off, I can't help but grimace. 'Oh, just shoot me.' I look up and see April get out of her car. Of course, she's gone all this time and now shows up when I'm about to get arrested. Squinting, I try to see if there is anybody else in her car; I can't tell.

"What is going on? Carmen?"

"I was just leaving, I swear," I croak out. I have snot running out my nose; I can feel it.

"Ma'am, do you know this person?"

"Yes, she's my ex."

"Okay, I think I get the picture. Ms. Webster, if you would get in the car."

"What? What picture? There's no picture to get!"

"We got a call about a person loitering on your lawn. I drove by then again 20 minutes later. Ms. Webster was still here."

Should I put my arms up or behind my head?

"Really, Officer, it's fine. Carmen wouldn't hurt me."

Is she defending me? I try to smile but sneeze instead.

"Are you sure?" he asks gravely.

"Yes."

"Okay then. Here's your ID back."

"Thanks," I reply, sniffling all the while.

He drives off, and I can't look at her.

"Why are you still here?"

"Look, I was just going. I'm sorry if I ruined your date; I'll just get out of your way." I start to walk off then I stop. "Look, I wasn't trying to be some scary stalker type, honest. If you want me to leave you alone I will. I just wanted to talk because I think I get what was upsetting you, and¼" I feel kind of fuzzy, then warm, and then fuzzy and warm at the same time. "¼and¼ um, I'm sorry for not telling you how much I've enjoyed these last couple of months and how special you make me feel because I know how busy and hectic your life is and yet you always have time for me¼ us." Everything is becoming kind of blurry and I'm so warm. It's probably a bad sign that I want to take my clothes off so I won't be so warm.

"I should go." I make it to the street. Looking both ways I wonder where my house is from here. I should know this.

"Carmen?"

"What? Oh hi." It's April; we like April. 'What's this we crap? There should only be one me.' I give her a goofy grin.

"Carmen?"

"Hi."

She smiles back worriedly. "Have you been standing out here the whole time?"

"Yep."

"In the rain."

"Yep. Only thing missing was Miles Davis, and, well, you."

"Come inside. You don't look so good."

"I don't really feel that good. I'm so warm."

She places a hand on my forehead; it's so nice and cool. I give a cry of protest when she takes it away.

"I should go home. You have plans that don't include me."

"It's okay. Really. I'll put on Miles Davis and make cocoa and we can talk."

I don't remember any cocoa and just vaguely remember hearing Miles' rendition of Summertime before I pass out in April's bed.

Waking up the next morning, I still don't feel so good, but I'm not as warm. Looking around I don't spot April. I get up and go into the kitchen to pour some juice. Sighing, I figure I should call Sue and Ed.

"Hello," Molly, Ed's girl, answers the phone.

"Hey Sexy," I croak out.

She giggles. "Well, maybe I should leave Ed for you. He never calls me sexy." I can hear Ed in the background asking if it's me on the phone. "Yeah, it's her."

There's some rustling before Ed comes on the line, and then it's silent.

"Ed?"

"Yeah."

More silence. Grrrr. "Ed, the Vulcan mind meld doesn't work over the phone. You need to talk to me."

More rustling, and Molly is back. "He says, and I quote, 'What's this sexy crap? You trying to steal my girl, Webster?'"

I giggle but it turns into a cough. "You going all caveman on me, Eddie?"

He grunts into the phone in response. Then Molly asks, "You don't sound so good. Did¼did you and April not work things out?"

"I¼ um¼" I sneeze. "Well, I passed out on her before we could actually talk." There's some background single syllable grunting, then Molly's voice is back. "Ed says, 'Details, Car. I can't help if I don't know.'"

Sighing - this is so weird - I start talking. "So what do you think?"

"I think you're right. You turned into some psycho stalker type."

"Ed! Er, Molly, whoever¼"

There is some background rustling. "Okay, Car, Ed has a serious question for you. 'If and when you two talk and this time she still wants you to leave her alone, will you pull that kind of stunt again?'"

"Jesus, no. What do you think I am?"

"Just checking. Carmen, you were really stupid and lucky that you didn't get hauled in."

"But¼"

"Ed and I do understand why you did it, and Ed's really happy you just didn't give up on your relationship like you always do, but no more standing in the rain getting sick and giving people the wrong impression."

I giggle. "Ed, I liked you better when you talked less."

Ed finally says, "I know."

I hang up with a sneeze and blow my nose. I walk out of the kitchen with my juice to find out where April spent the night. She looks up at me from the couch; she's so cute with her bed head.

"Hi."

She smiles at me for a moment then it disappears. "Who were you talking too?"

"Oh, um, my roommate Ed."

"You call Ed sexy?"

"Well, no, that was his girlfriend." Realizing that I'm making things worse, I clarify, "It's kind of a joke."

"Carmen, how would I know? I've never met your roommate¼"

"Uh, it's plural. Roommates: Ed and Sue."

She glares at me. "I've never met your Ed and Sue. I've never been over to your house or apartment, or wherever you live."

"Really?" Stunned, I sit down. Surely she had been over; wracking my brain I discover that she hadn't.

"April, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize." God I'm such an ass; there is no way she's going to take me back. "Thank you for taking care of me last night. I'm sorry I put a damper on your evening." I get up.

"Where are you going?"

"To get my clothes. I'm sure you want me gone."

"I thought you wanted to talk."

I open my mouth in surprise then shut it. "I-I-I do. Do you?"

"Of course I do."

"I thought you would want me to leave."

"I still might."

"Oh," I say dejectedly.

"But it's too soon to know, so why don't we try talking."

"'Kay."

I fidget nervously and she just looks at me patiently.

"I'm really sorry for the way I acted and what I said."

"Thank you."

I wait for her to say anything else but she remains silent.

"I, well, it started the night Anna Russell walked into a dirty small gay bar called the Closet."

She nodded, familiar with the bar; it's where we first met after all.

"What I didn't know was that Anna and I had a history¼"

It started with a woman, as do most things in life I guess - like birth. And it ended with the complete restructuring of my life and who I was. Anxiously I'm waiting for April to say anything, even a nonsensical verb like, 'huh'.

Her hazel eyes bore into mine.

"Why did you tell me all of that?"

That wasn't what I was expecting. "You wanted me to let you in¼"

"Why me? You just dump all that on me; that's unfair."

"What?" How did I screw up now?

"You've been seeing a therapist for how long and me you just dump this on?"

"I thought you wanted¼ I mean¼" I don't feel good. April is looking like she's going kick me out for good, so I just start crying. Why do people have to be so confusing?

"Hey, I'm sorry. Its just that's a lot to take in. I was just expecting some great former love in your past that had broken your heart, not some soap opera of murder and betrayal."

"Do you want me to leave?"

She hugs me. "No, oh no, Carmen. However, I think you and I need to take things really slow. For both of us."

I sniffle and hope I haven't gotten snot on her. "Does that mean we're getting back together?"

"It means¼it means, we're dating. We'll see from there."

"Okay." Poo, I was hoping for some big exclaimer of love. Isn't that how it works on TV? Just another way TV has lied to me, that and spinach does not make you instantly strong like Popeye.

Later in the evening I'm getting ready to go. Somehow April got me to sleep some more and we did some light talking, nothing as heavy as this morning.

"April, thanks again for taking care of me and, well, everything. I-I-I'm sorry if I ruined your evening last night." I fidget, not sure if I should kiss her, not really sure where we stand in our relationship.

She kisses me on the cheek, which isn't fabulous but still better than no kiss. "Carmen, um, there's something you should know."

Oh God, there's more. When will this day end?

"There was no date. I couldn't deal with you being here; I was still so mad at you. Since you wouldn't leave I left. I went and drove around for awhile until I was sure you'd be gone." She giggles. "You were still here doing jumping jacks on my front porch. So I waited down the block for you to leave, but when the policeman showed up I couldn't let them haul you away."

I groan. April had sat there and watched me make an ass of myself.

"You were so cute."

"Really?"

"I'm sorry you got sick, but I wasn't ready to deal with you yet, even if you were sorry and wanted to make amends."

"It's okay." She still thinks I'm cute.

She starts to kiss me, this time on the lips. "April, I'm sick."

"I don't care."

Her lips were soft and warm, not gentle at all. She controlled the kiss totally. I was weak-kneed and standing on the steps when she shut the door softly in my face.

"Oh, that's so not right."

I think I hear her laughing at me.