I came here to let you know
The letting go
Has taken place?

But I can say goodbye
Now that the passion's died
Still it comes so slow
The letting go

(The Letting Go - Melissa Etheridge)

How undignified I must be, sitting here wallowing in pity, crying softly to myself, wondering how in the world I ever let myself get into a situation which has caused me so much pain. I believe my heart has broken this time so bad that it will never heal. I can barely see for the tears streaming from my eyes. My breath catches in my throat making it nearly impossible to draw air in. My chest aches with the pain that is throbbing through my entire being. My mind keeps circling repeatedly on past events, trying to make reason over what has happened to my life.

I fell in love. For the first and only time in my life, I fell in love; the crazy head over heels kind of love that you only read about in books. I thought that I had been in love in the past but everything paled in comparison to my new love. It came to me out of the blue. Hot, passionate, leading to a deep, abiding love that resounded throughout my body and mind. I awakened with thoughts of my love on my mind. I would fall asleep at night with my precious love swirling through my state of unconsciousness. My dreams centered on her. My waking world riveted on her. God, she was the core of my universe. All of my focus was on her, what she was doing, how she was feeling. Now that focus is gone, lost in a single goodbye.

I knew better than to fall in love with her and more importantly to let her fall in love with me. I'm nearly twice her age. I'm the more experienced person. I should have controlled what was happening to us and not let it develop so far, so fast. Nevertheless, how does one control love when it creeps its way precipitously into one's very existence? Love came through me like a bulldozer, knocking down all the internal barriers I had erected around my heart and soul. It shook the very core of my understanding of love and gave me a new glimpse into the true heaven that was available to me. I lost my sanity, my ability to know that I should be taking it slow and easy and not lead her into a relationship with me. I knew I had nothing that I could offer her but my words of love. I knew I couldn't change my life to meet her needs. Not even that I couldn't but wouldn't for fear of upsetting my long established status quo. However, I was selfish. I really loved her and I wanted to revel in that atmosphere of love for as long as I could. She made me experience emotions that I had never felt before. She made me feel giddy and young, fresh in my outlook at love. She made me aware of lust and desire, emotions that have been missing a long time in my life. She made me feel! I had walked around shielding myself from becoming too attached to any one person. I feared having my very existence torn apart by allowing another being to reach inside of me to touch my heart. I held people at arms length, never letting them into my inner sanctum, never letting them know the real me, giving them only what I wanted them to know of me.

She rocked my world. She tore down those barriers, heartbeat by heartbeat as she began to express her love to me. I, in turn, grew to love her with a love that has no description to explain the depth and breath of its existence. Love was just there. I rejoiced in these ecstatic emotions as they began to consume my life. My world pivoted around what I was feeling for her. Our love continued to grow as we spent hours with one another. I told her things about myself that no other human has ever heard. She in turn held me in her confidence as she described her struggles with life, her doubts of where she would be in a future time. Age barriers erased from around us as we melded together consisting of two hearts beating as one. We joked, we laughed, we held serious conversations, and we loved. Oh how we loved. For in spite of all our differences, we did truly love one another. We burned bright and hot like a shooting star streaking through the blackest night.

One day, I sensed restlessness in my dearest that hadn't been there before. She was slowly drifting away from me. I could sense the subtle changes although no words were ever spoken. We met less often and when we did, it was for shorter periods. We still wrote to one another and the passion continued to flame around us but something was changing. I knew she needed more than I could give her. She needed someone who could devote her life to her, to walk beside her in times of trial and in times of great joy. I knew that would not be me. I had always known this but overlooked it as I let my emotions carry me along in a whirlwind of desire. She knew this also. We both knew we had to change in order for her to move on with her life, to have the opportunity to find for herself what I had found with her.

The hardest task I have ever done or will ever do in my life was to talk with my darling as we discussed the need for her to change her life, to find what she really needed. We didn't fall out of love with one another but rather, came to understand that we were living the fantasy and not the truth. We cried together as we agreed to let our love dissolve into nothing more than friendship. Could we do this? Neither of us knows but we are committed to not moving forward in the same manner as we have been doing. She is going to actively seek interactions with friends closer to her own age and interests. She is going to allow herself to search for the person who will be her life mate. She is going to be looking for relationships rather than allowing them to look for her. I am elated for her, to know that she will one day find the love of her life. At the same time, I hide my real feelings from her as my heart slowly breaks into a million pieces. I love her so much that the only recourse to ensure her happiness is to take myself out of the picture. I have had the greatest privilege of knowing what love is. It hurts so damn bad. Yet I would not have traded this experience for anything else that anyone could offer. For I love her yet. I will always love her. I cry huge alligator tears for the loss of my love, yet at the same time, I am rapturously happy to see her moving forward with her life. I will be the first in line to congratulate her when she finds her life mate, because I know she will. Her heart is generous and good and some lucky person will realize this someday and fulfill her every dream and they will love her as she deserves to be loved.

I am wretched as I sit here crying, telling myself it will all be fine given time. I know this is true but will time ever fill the hole in my heart that has been left behind. The pain will subside, but the memories are engraved forever in my soul. I know that I will never find a love like her again. I drop to my knees in prayer that I was at least given this opportunity to know love once in my lifetime. I may have to live with this terrible pain in my chest for a lot longer, but I know my darling and I have made the right choice and for all the right reasons. She will soar and I will be here on the ground watching to see as she faces life head-on, reaching out for what she needs and desires. I will smile while I am dying inside. The greatest expression of love I can give to her is to let her go, to allow her to find what she needs in life. Hence, I say to her, good bye my love, remember I love you just because, no matter what.


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Read the sequel: I'll Be Coming Home