I'm not so sure where I have been
I don't know just where I'm going
Hard as I hold it in my hand
I can stop this wind from blowing

And so it goes
This too shall pass away
It cuts so strange
Roll me away
It cuts so strange
The only thing that stays the same
Is change

("Change" Melissa Etheridge)

I stand beside her and gently stroke my fingers across her closed eyes. I lean down and place a gentle kiss on her softly smiling lips, so cold to touch. As I stare at her face so peaceful in silent repose, I think back over the years of the relationship that we have had. There was a time when I loved her with a passion that burned in my soul, relentlessly consumed with desire. We shared laughter, tears, and a love beyond any that I have ever known or will ever know. At the same time, we shared a pain that no one should ever have to endure.

She is older than I am by nearly half my age. It never seemed to matter when we were together but alone, it consumed my thoughts. I pondered what changes my life would have if I were never to have children. I couldn't ask her to face the encumbrance of raising a family at her age after seeing her own nieces and nephews grown and independent. Yet, in my heart, I knew that I wanted to be a mother some day, to hold that precious life in my hands that came from my body. I too worried about her ability to keep up with the fast-paced life that I lead. I love to travel on adventure safaris but she couldn't keep up with the pace of the youthful group that tended to make up the safari. I worried about what my family would say, knowing she was older than my parents were. Would they crucify her for attaching herself to a woman so much younger than she? Nevertheless, more important, I worried about the burden she would place upon herself to keep me sexually satisfied, for passion is a big part of my total being. I would sacrifice so much for her because I love her greatly but I feared that some day, that sacrifice would become a cancer eating inside of me, turning my love for her into bitterness and withdrawal. I had so many fears and insecurities, many due to my youthfulness and naivety. But love her I did, with a passion and depth that will never be surpassed in my lifetime.

She sensed my restlessness, the many self-doubts that I had and being the person she is, she sat down to have a heart to heart talk with me. We spoke of our relationship until we both understood that in order reach my full potential in life, I would need to move beyond her and seek someone younger to give me the same kind of love and devotion in the manner that she gave it to me. My heart split into a million pieces as we held each other and cried, knowing that what we were doing was the only solution and the right choice to make. It didn't change the love in my heart for her and the endless crying in my soul to be with her. We parted as lovers but continued to grow as friends.

She has always been there for me in any capacity I needed. We never went back to the passionate, ecstatic, sexual relationship that we had. We were able to move beyond and forge a friendship so strong that it will last our lifetime.

She has supported me in every choice I have made. I knew that I would never find another woman to fill my heart the way that she has. She is my soul mate and always will be and every other woman pales into insignificance with that knowledge.

I eventually entered into a wonderful relationship with of all people, a man that I had known for years. We worked together and realized there was a comfortable relationship between us that made us want to marry and have a family together. She supported me in this choice and grew to love him as I did. She was there with me in the labor room, coaching me as my sons came into this world. She stood on one side of me, my beloved husband on the other. He understood the importance she had in my life and was never jealous but welcomed her with open arms. He knew I would always honor my vows of commitment to him and never doubted that she would attempt to usurp his role in my life. I loved him more for accepting her so dearly into our family. She became the godmother of my children and has been there every step of their lives as they grew to young adulthood.

She never found another to fill the void that we created when we changed our relationship but she was genuinely happy. She spent many hours with us and became a vital part of our family. I can't imagine life without her. She never dated after our decision to be only friends. I knew that she held me still in her heart, which was making it impossible for her to find another to fill the void. I ached for her but in her usual manner, she made me see that the changes in my life meant more to her than had we stayed together. I would see her eyes filled with love for me and couldn't help returning the love that I felt for her. I refused to ever exclude her from any part of my life. She was as essential to me as breathing air. Eventually a peace reigned over our relationship and we knew that many years ago we had made the right decision.

Now I step back from beside her as the minister moves forward and lowers the lid on the casket. My throat is choked with sorrow and tears flow endlessly from my eyes as I look upon her face one last time, engraving it forever in my memory. She has left this earthly home and I will no longer hear her voice, her laughter, or feel her tears. I will never experience her warmth as she hugs me close or her hand on me as we sit quietly without talking. Yet, I have only to shut my eyes and her vision will be with me forever. My heart will always know she has been here for it has never released the imperishable love for her that has resided inside its chambers my entire life. She is my soul, she is my love. I will miss her forever and yearn for the day that I come home to her. We will be unencumbered by humanly bonds and our love will soar. So on this final day I whisper quietly before turning back to my family; Good bye my love, remember I love you just because, no matter what.


Feedback welcome: the_shadylady_629@yahoo.com

Copyright © 2003 by Shadylady. All Rights Reserved