Love/Sex Warning: Sexual relationships between two women; bad language; violence
Part 1
She feigns sleep on the train, a return trip from a weekend in Northern California.
Idly, she contemplates that she has fallen behind in school, and makes a mental note to do her reading for her Enlightenment Literature class, and reminds herself that she needs to check out a book to finish her Korean history paper. She continues to close her eyes, knowing that no one would talk to her if she seems like she's sleeping. She knows that most people probably wouldn't talk to her anyway, conversation didn't seem to be a very big practice on train rides, not like the way it was on planes. Or maybe it was just her.
She congratulates herself on a job well done, taking pleasure in a moment of egotism. It's not going to be something she discusses with anyone -ever, so she delights herself in the satisfaction that everything had gone smoothly, at how capable and efficient she was. She remembers that she told her roommate that she was going to visit family in Los Angeles, and invents a story to tell about her reconciliation with them. Of course, she was in reality, estranged from her family, and deep down, she felt a twinge of regret. It was too late now, however, and attachment to her family could only prove to be a liability. She wasn't even sure if anyone in her family was still alive.
She's finally back "home". She runs a hand through the blonde wig she wears, and stands up in one fluid movement. Her back aches a bit, and she ruefully thinks how her body was falling apart on her at such an early age. It was just the price she paid. She picks her duffel bags and steps off the train. She marvels at the number of people milling around. The conductor reaches up to help her, but she bats him away. He smiles at her. "Thank-you for using Amtrak, Miss Kane."
She grins at the pseudonym, and walks away. Everyone was just so ordinary to her after a job. She steps into the Amtrak station's bathroom and heads into a stall. She shucks the blonde wig, and pulls out the brown contacts. She removes the bulky white nondescript sweather, revealing a black tank top underneath. She changes her baggy blue jeans for a pair of dressier black pants. She's become a new person.
She stuffs her costume into a plastic bag inside her duffel bag and walks out, a new woman. Waiting to pick her up is her roommate, who smiles at her.
"Did you have fun at home?"
She nods. "Yes. It was a laugh a minute"
She remembers the startled look on her fat mark's face. It was almost comical. His tiny eyes in the saggy, sallow face pleaded with her, but she didn't really care. He was nothing to her. It had been funny to see the big body on his knees, begging. She laughs at the memory. Her roommate frowns slightly, wondering what was so funny, but assumes it must be some memory of time spent with a family member or friend.
"All right, crackwhore. You must have had fun."
She smirks. 'Not quite,' she thinks. She'd been startled that she was so amused by the image of the dying man.
Chapter One
She awoke with a start. She had been dreaming something, but she couldn't remember it. She wondered if she dreamed about her mark. When she was conscious, she almost had to laugh at her mark's antics. She smirked when she thought how they always try to plead for their lives, how they always call out to God or someone to save them. Briefly, her mind wandered back to a night years ago. She shook her head, trying to run the pesky memory out of her head. Reliving the past did no good, and she wasn't about to start now. She always felt guilty when she thought of the past, and she didn't handle guilt well. She was thankful, however, that she felt little remorse when she did her job.
She rubbed a hand across her face, and for a moment, she looked her younger than her years. Usually, she looked older, the wariness in the blue eyes was unmistakable. She just seemed . . . tired. She stood up, and walked into the bathroom, ready to start the new day.
At school, she quietly went about her business. At approximately 4 PM, as she was walking home from a class, her cell phone rang. She picked it up, knowing it would be her client. "Gersho."
"John paid me back the rest of the money." The caller hung up. This was her code for 'I'll pay you the rest of the money for the job.'
First rule of thumb: never give out your real name when you're on the job.
She thought of the various IDs that were tucked in the pocket of a locked black leather folder, Let's see, that folder has Kendra Kane, Katherine Gersho, Karyn Karlton. I used Kendra Kane to get a rental car when I drove to Walnut Creek from San Francisco. I used Karyn Karlton when I rented out the motel room, and Katherine Gersho was used for the client. I'll have to burn Kane and Karlton when I get home, it was stupid of me not to right away yesterday.
"Kate?" a voice next to her.
Kate looked and saw a girl from her English class. "Hi." What's her name? Jackie? Jennifer? Jamie? Damn . . . I think it's June.
She is proud of herself when she realizes that she can respond to her real name as well as her aliases with equal dexterity. She reminds herself, however, to never respond to a name the first time it is called out. She must never respond to the wrong name at an inopportune moment. She knows the chances of that happening are slim, she tries to keep a low profile when she is on the job.
"Did you do your paper yet?'
Kate smiled, flashing even white teeth. "I haven't even started. I had a academically unfruitful weekend."
The girl chuckled. "Okay, I was just asking. Where are you headed?"
"Home."
"Oh. Well, I'm going back to campus, so I guess I'll see you around."
"Yeah."
Kate walked on, and entered her apartment quietly. She knew her roommate was probably napping, to prep for pulling an all-nighter. She saw that her roommate left the door to her room ajar, and she closed it softly. Then Kate entered her own room, and immediately headed over to the closet pulled out a black leather bag. She took out the fake identification cards and burned them over the sink that was in her room.
Although she usually doesn't care about her cases, her last one bothers her for some reason. The guy had been a real sleazeball, the client was his step-daughter and he had molested she and her siblings for years. He also beat the shit out of her mother one night, and the woman had almost died. Her client wanted to kill the mark after he had touched her daughter in inappropriate places. Kate didn't like getting the reason for the hit, it wasn't in her place to make any moral value judgments. She knew that she must always remain stoic and impassive when she's on the job. She won't stop any of her clients from supplying reasons for her, but she still dislikes hearing them. She knew that a lot of her clients were just assholes who wanted a spouse or relative killed off so they could collect on insurance money. She accepted it, and while she thought they were just as scummy as she was, that was just it. She was scum. But sometimes, it was someone like her last client, someone who was quite normal, but had been hurt so deeply. Kate was always sensitive to the claims of rape or molestation. She knew that the feelings were a liability, but she couldn't help it. Usually, though, she didn't feel pity for the client.
The hit had cost $30,000. Usually, Kate charged at least $30,000, most of the time more. However, for the first time in her career, she had felt sorry for her client. Although she usually charged an additional expense fee to include disguises, guns, car rentals, a possible motel room, etc she chose not to charge the woman the expense fee. She cursed herself, and knew that if she did it again, she was going to have to do something about it.
She heard a soft knock on the door.
"Come in."
The door opened, and Kate saw her sleepy-eyed roommate leaning in the doorway. She looked at the woman expectantly.
"Do you want to go eat?"
Kate nodded. "I just got home, but let's go."
Cynthia grinned. "Cool. Let me just get changed."
Cyn was still in her green flannel pajamas and a white t-shirt.
"I take it you skipped school today," Kate called to her roommate as she exited the room. She got the middle finger in response.
Kate and Cynthia ate in a small sandwich shop, the exact midpoint between campus and their apartment. Kate had insisted that she pay for the meal. Cynthia briefly wondered why Kate always seemed to have money. Kate was on scholarship, and it seemed like she was on her own financially. She never got any calls from her family, and she never made any calls either. Cynthia supposed that her family helped her out a lot, after all, it took a certain amount of money to live like they did, but that the family just didn't communicate.
They lived in an area where a two-bedroom apartment could cost $1600.00 each month. Most students shared a bedroom and paid between $400-$500 a month. Kate and Cynthia each paid $800 a month for the privacy of their own room. Cynthia came from an upper class family, and her parents were currently footing the bill. Kate had actually wanted to live alone, but she was also paranoid. She knew that Katherine 'Kate' Lonnigan had to live a very discrete lifestyle. Any outlandish displays of wealth could rouse suspicion, especially for a 20 year-old English major on scholarship working in a post office on a paltry wage. Her current living conditions was cause for raised eyebrows, but most people nodded knowingly when she told them that she paid the rent with a refund check from financial aid. She had to cover her ass.
She was raised by Jang Hoon Jo, a Korean immigrant whom she met ten years prior after her mother had kicked her out of the house in a drunken rage. It was Jang Hoon who first taught her the trade of being a contract killer. He fascinated her- he was a warm man, an upright citizen. He was capable of showing deep affection for her, and he was never afraid of showing emotion towards her. There was another side to him also- the teacher. When he was the teacher, he was a different man. He was a cool professional, a killer- always passive and without remorse. He was the one who taught her how to be a killer on the job, and an average Joe in her normal, everyday life.
He taught her how to fight, how to kill. He taught her to always wear disguises, to never leave a trail. He pointed out how little details could get one caught. She wondered what could have possessed him to take in a waif with black hair and blue eyes so many years ago. He had seen potential in her eyes. It wasn't that she was marked to be a killer, but that he saw something in her, something that told him she was a warrior. So, he had trained her. She became his occasional partner in her early years, although her job was usually just to be a decoy- never to kill.
True he'd be more than willing to pay for her education, but she adamantly refused. She would accept no more of his money, claiming he'd already done too much for her. He taught her how to get her income.
Her first kill had been at age sixteen. A college junior raped her best friend Julia and then basically beat the shit out of her. It wasn't so much the actual rape, although Kate had been ready to kill after Julia came home and sobbingly told her what happened. It was the changes that followed.
Julia had been the purest soul she'd ever known. She was Jang Hoon's niece, and although neither Kate nor her guardian let on about their business, Kate always felt like Julia knew exactly what they did. Julia lived with Jang Hoon after her parents died, when she was four years old. Julia loved everyone, she never passed judgment- she was the kindest person Kate had ever known. Julia loved her unconditionally, and accepted her without question. In the years that followed, Kate would compare everyone to Julia and distance herself when none of them measured up.
Kate watched helplessly as Julia fell into an emotional spiral, and the bastard who did it to her just got away because Julia never reported anything, Kate became increasingly infuriated. She was filled with a rage that she'd never before experienced. True, there had been moments when she was angry with her father for leaving or her mother because . . . well, because she didn't do what a mother should have done . . . but the rage she felt towards David Light was all consuming. It was like Julia was disappearing before her eyes, and Kate was desperately trying to grasp at her fingers, but they were fading, and she couldn't feel them. And then one day, Julia seemed to snap out of it.
They were sitting in Julia's room. Julia was on the floor, staring off into space and Kate was on the bed watching Julia. Then Julia reached out and caressed Kate's face. "Everything's going to be okay," she said.
Kate smiled, and for a moment, all the rage was washed away. Julia's touch could do that.
So, Kate had left Julia's room. Once Kate was in her own room, she heard a muffled bang. She ran into Julia's room and saw that her beautiful, incredibly intelligent, kind, gentle best friend had killed herself. There was an AR rifle -- it was Kate's. She could still see the silencer she had made attached to it.
Kate shook her head fiercely to get the painful memories out of her head. 'I killed my best friend.' She rolled over and shuts off her alarm clock, so that it will not go off. She pads into the bathroom, and just then the bathroom door on her roommate's side opens. Kate, startled to see a young blonde woman, jumped back, on the defensive.
The pretty young woman with green eyes smiled at her gently. "I'm sorry if I scared you. I'm a friend of Cynthia's, I slept over last night. She wanted to introduce me last night, but we never heard you come in. You're Kate, right? I'm Jill. It's so cool to finally meet you."
Kate grinned out of reflex, and ran a hand through her disheveled hair, captivated by the emerald green eyes . . . and the fact that her heart was practically ready to jump out of her chest. She gestured towards the shower.
"No, no. It's your apartment, you should take the shower before I do."
Kate smiled again, and extended a hand. They shook hands before Jill exits the bathroom, in awe of the dark-haired woman.
Jill listens for the water to go off before she begins to speak. "Damn, Cynthia! You didn't tell me your roommate was so HOT! She didn't say a word, and I'm smitten."
Cynthia laughed. "Yeah, she is gorgeous. Don't get put off by the fact that she didn't say anything. She's a little shy, and rarely speaks in front of strangers."
"Christ. She's tall."
"Yeah."
"She looks like she'd have a great ass, but I didn't really get to see."
"Jill! That's my roommate! She's only a sophomore!"
"No way. She looks- well, not old. Just experienced. So, she's still a baby, huh? Well, I could break her in . . ."
"I don't know if she swings that way, Jilly. She 's never expressed interest in women before."
"Maybe she doesn't express them because you get uncomfortable."
"I am not uncomfortable! I'm talking to you about this, aren't I?"
Jill sighed melodramatically, "you just never accepted that fact that I'm-"
Cynthia interrupted. "No, You just never accepted that fact that I'm a flaming heterosexual."
The two longtime friends looked at each other and burst into laughter.
"Jill, you seriously interested in her? I mean for something more than a quick screw, because I'd hate to see her get hurt."
"You make me sound like a gigolo."
Cynthia just stared at her.
"Okay, okay. Look, we don't even know if she'd be remotely interested in pursuing a relationship with a woman, so let's take this slow. I promise I won't just use her for a quick fling."
Cynthia rubs her nose. "Okay, well why don't we eat dinner together tonight, and you can get to know her a bit better. But, seriously. She's not just a pretty face, she's really intelligent and she can be really funny when she's not being laconic."
"Sounds splendid."
The water stopped, and both women stopped talking about Kate, lest she should hear. An hour later, Cynthia and Jill were watching television while waiting for an 11:30am class to start. Kate came down the stairs and smiled briefly at the both of them. She waved and was about to step out the door, when Cynthia called out to her.
"Yo! Talk, dark and mute. Want to meet us for dinner tonight?"
Kate ran her hand through a hair, a nervous gesture. "Ah, uh . . . sure," she said quietly. "I'm done at seven tonight though."
"Hey, that's all right. Why don't we meet at that Japanese restaurant you like so much at around eight?"
"Korean," Kate corrected softly.
"Huh?"
"It's a Korean Barbecue place, but I had it already last week with Professor Bae, and it's a little pricey. Why don't we meet at Chili's?"
"Great, see you then, Kate."
"All right."
Kate stepped out of the apartment. Jill turned towards her, "how could you confuse Japanese and Korean food? Anyway, she likes Korean food? She eats dinner with her professors? Does she always wear a shirt that tight? She had a great set of-"
Cynthia shot out a hand, "No! I do NOT want to think of her like that. One question at a time, Inquisitor. Now for your questions: I don't know how I got them confused, yes, obviously she likes Korean food, yes, she eats dinner with some of her professors and no, her shirts aren't always that tight." Cyn took in a breath and then, "Apparently, she can speak Korean fluently."
"She has a really tiny accent. I can't quite place it though."
"Yeah, I've asked her about it before too, but she said that she's a native Californian."
"Well, it is very faint, but it's there. Maybe she got it from one of her parents."
"She likes to keep to herself, so try not to grill her about anything tonight, okay?"
"Is that how you think of me?"
"Do you remember in middle school how we had to interview each other for that Social Studies project?"
"Yes."
"I rest my case."
"I was doing the assignment!"
"You were asking too many personal questions. Hell, you were just asking too many questions!"
"Like what?"
"How do I remember? It was so long ago, I was just resentful."
"You were? Really? Well, what sort of stuff should I talk to her about tonight?"
"I don't know, school I guess. She won't open up to you right away, she's kind of guarded."
"Yeah, and she doesn't talk much. I could barely hear her."
"That's because you're a new person, she gets shy."
"That painfully shy? She must have some issues."
"We all have issues, Jilly. Just don't piss her off or embarrass her, okay?"
Jill shrugged. "All right."
At approximately eight o'clock that day, Jill arrived to see a freshly showered Kate leaning against the wall, near the door to Chili's. She was dressed differently from the way Jill had seen her earlier in morning. She was wearing leather pants and a black tank top and a long black leather jacket, she appeared to be lost in thought with an angry expression on her face. Jill stepped cautiously towards her, afraid that the woman really was angry for some reason or another.
"Hi," Jill said brightly, hoping to alleviate the tension she felt in her stomach.
Kate turned her head and smiled briefly. "Hi," she said softly.
"Cyn's running late per usual, I see. How are you? How was your day?"
Kate nodded. "Fine."
"Which? Your day or your state of being?"
"Both."
Cynthia walked up to them at that moment. "Hey guys, sorry I'm a little late."
"Big surprise," Kate intoned.
"Aw, shuddup."
They walked into Chili's and were soon seated. Cynthia and Jill each ordered a margarita, and the waiter looked expectantly at Kate. "Water, please," Kate said. The waiter jotted down the drink orders and walked away.
"That's right, you don't turn 21 for practically another year. Ha Ha," Cynthia teased.
Kate smiled wanly. "Yeah, but I don't think he would have carded me. He didn't card you two. You know I don't really touch alcohol, Cynthia."
Throughout the course of the meal, Jill found Kate to be appealing. She did not eat red meat, and rarely even ate white meats. She was a nonsmoker, and rarely indulged in alcohol. She also did not touch any illegal substances, although it seemed as though she had a lot of personal knowledge about them. However, Jill wondered the personal reasons behind such austerity. Kate also went to the Recreation Center, the campus athletic facility every day. She was curious about the arduous schedule the girl obviously kept. Of course, half the information came from Cynthia who was trying to goad Kate out of her shell. The conversation on Kate's part mostly consisted of a few "yes" and "no" and a lot of shrugging, nodding and head shaking.
Despite the fact that Jill loved to talk, and have two-sided conversations, she fancied the reticent Kate by the end of dinner. Jill had decided half way through dinner that Kate would just be too much effort to pursue. She seemed like she had a lot of personal issues, and she found the regimented lifestyle to be a bit strange. However, when the conversation turned to two Classics courses that Cynthia and Jill were enrolled in to fulfill General Education requirements. Kate's eyes seemed to light up at the mention of the Greek Myth and Roman Archaeology classes. It was at that moment Jill started to fall for Kate.
Cynthia called Kate a dork when the blue-eyed woman's interest in the conversation took a sharp increase. "Kate likes that crap for fun," she explained.
"Oh, really? Do you, Kate?" Jill asked.
Kate nodded.
But Jill could tell that despite the lackluster response, Kate was interested. Jill and Cynthia entered into a discussion about both courses. Kate seemed to enjoy the conversation, and occasionally interjected to clarify their confusion or relate a fact.
"What was the name of that guy in our Roman Archaeology class? The guy who was sort of responsible for all the great preservation of Pompeii?" Cynthia asked.
Jill shrugged. "I can't remember. I think it started with a V or P or something . . ."
"Yeah, or it could be A or B or C . . ." Cynthia teased.
"F. Fiorelli," Kate said.
Both Jill and Cynthia looked at her. "Are you sure?" Jill asked,
"She's always right," Cynthia said.
Kate grinned. "He divided the city into regions."
"Oh, yeah. I remember that from lecture," Cynthia said.
So, Jill was smitten. True, Kate was too quiet for her taste, but she was beautiful and intelligent. Jill knew from the moment she met the younger woman that Kate was unique.
'Christ, I know next to nothing about her, and I'm already whupped,' Jill thought.
When the meal was almost finished, Kate stood up. "I'm sorry. I have to go. I'm going to be late. Thanks for the dinner though."
"You have a date?" Cynthia asked.
Kate smirked. She shook her head, and reached into her jacket pocket to pull out forty dollars.
"I hope this is enough . . ."
"Kate, that's too much!" Cynthia protested.
"Yeah, c'mon. You had a salad, water and bread for Chrissakes," Jill said.
Kate shrugged. "I had a nice time, maybe you guys can treat next time," With that, Kate turned and walked away.
"Next time?" Jill asked, looking overjoyed.
"You must have made a good impression. She and I often treat each other, but I've never seen her treat a near stranger. I think at the very least, she likes you. It was that Greek Myth stuff, Jilly. She loves that stuff."
"Tell me more about her interests!" Jill demanded.
Cynthia laughed. "Is this where I tell you everything I know about her and you go out and buy books and things about her interests so you can have a conversation with her?"
"Yeah!"
Cynthia laughed heartily. "She likes mythology in general-"
"Cool, that's something all three of us have in common. Greek myth anyway."
Cynthia just looked at Jill and continued, "archaeology, anthropology, Korean culture, art, rugby and tennis."
"How do you know all that? It's not like she talks to you about them, right? She's so damn quiet, even when she speaks she's quiet."
"She talks to ME," Cynthia said, almost proudly. "If you get to know her better, she talks a little more loudly, but she's shy. I don't always take an interest in what she takes an interest in. But, she is always fun to talk to, when she says more than a few words at a time."
"Where do you think she went?"
Cynthia shrugged. "I don't know. She disappears sometimes."
"Why don't you guys come over to my place tomorrow? I'll cook dinner."
"I'll ask her-- hey, better yet, YOU ask her."
Jill looked terrified. "Me? I barely know her! You ask her, and then you guys come over."
"What if she can't make it?"
"Come over anyway. You and I don't spend enough time together, why do you think I wanted us to take the Classics courses together?"
"So you can get my notes when you don't go to class?"
"That too, but we've hardly seen each other this year."
Cynthia ran a hand through her slightly curly blonde hair. Her brown eyes seemed to laugh at Jill. "We've been friends for a long time, Jilly. Nothing is going to change that, even if we don't get to see each other as much as we used to."
"I know, but it's nice to spend time with your best friend. This is our senior year, we need to live it up."
"Heh. Yeah."
"You know what's weird though? When I first saw Kate, I felt like I knew her somehow, like we were meant to meet or something. I've only felt that recognition with you, and you're my best friend."
Cynthia looked surprised. "You felt that too? Did I ever tell you how Kate and I got to be roommates?"
"Because we'd kill each other if we ever roomed together?"
"Heh. Well, yes. Kate was looking for a place and answered that ad I put in at the Student Housing Office. The moment we met, I felt like I knew her. It's why I chose her to live with, and believe me, she's great. I felt that recognition with you too, remember we talked about that once?"
"Maybe we all knew each other in a past life."
"Kate believes in that crap, you know, karma and reincarnation-- just like you. I remain skeptical."
"Well, I just think of it this way. Where would the soul go after we die? It's like the Energy law, you know?"
"I don't believe in that stuff, but hey, to each her own."
"She's really gorgeous." Jill sighed,
"I know, all my male friends are lusty after her, and our mutual buddies too."
"Even Brandon?"
"ESPECIALLY Brandon."
"But he's been with Ruth for five years."
"I think that's part of the problem, she's been away for over a year, and he's frustrated."
"Has he acted on it?"
"Are you asking because you may be jealous, or because Ruth and Brandon are our friends."
Jill blushed. "Both."
"You know how decent Brandon is. He wouldn't act on it because of Ruth. You know it's like they were meant to be together."
"You know, a concept of destiny could tie in nicely with reincarnation and karma."
"Jill, you know I don't believe in that crap. You're born, you go through a shitty life and then you die."
Jill wrapped an arm around Cynthia's shoulders. "I know it's been hard for you, but I'm here for you. Always. Even when I'm interested in your roommate, you're always first in my heart. We've been interested in the same boys, until I stopped driving stick. You've always been there for me, and I'd like to think I've been there for you.
Cynthia rested her head on Jill's shoulder for a brief moment. "Thanks, Jilly."
"You up for desert?"
Cynthia patted her stomach. "No way. I'm stuffed. I can't believe how much you can eat and still stay so thin."
"Metabolism."
"Remember when you used to think it was meta-bowl-ism?"
"Shuddup."
"Heh. So, you going to get that desert? Or shall we go?"
Jill shrugged. "Nah, let's go. Where'd you park?"
"Right next to your car actually."
"Oh, cool. Let's go." Jill reached into her wallet and pulled out twenty dollars. "I think we should give back Kate her money, she barely even ate."
"Yeah, all right. I'll give it to her."
They set money out on the table and headed out the door. They walked in silence to where their cars were parked. Jill reached over and hugged Cynthia. "I'll see you tomorrow? With or without Kate?"
Cynthia hugged her back, "yeah, just give me a call."
They headed off into the night.
About an hour away, Katherine Lonnigan faced a prospective employer. He was a nervous looking man, which Kate realized was the norm. She put up her hair into a short brunette wig, a few shades lighter than her own dark mane. She also used brown contact lenses. She usually wore a disguise when meeting with employers, in case they cracked and tried to pin point her.
"The job for two people will be $110,000. $50,000 per head, the other is an expense account and such. I demand half payment up front. Wait until news of the killings reach you, then contact me at the number I gave you. I never reveal when I kill the mark, that way you can act surprised when you hear about the deaths. Simply state, "John has paid me back." We will then meet again and you will give me the money. Is that understood?"
The man nodded nervously. "Are they going to- I mean, are they going to suffer much?"
"I will not relate the details. It's better for you not to know exactly when and how I will do the job. You will supply me with the information sheets I give you. Fill them out as completely as possible. I will pick them up tomorrow. At this location. At this time."
The man looked at her tiredly. "Please don't think ill of me . . . I once loved them, but I fear for the safety of my family with them around-"
"Mr. Candella, I'm a hit woman. A murderer for hire. I am not passing judgment on you or them for that matter. I am merely the executioner. I am not their judge, nor am I yours."
The man inhaled deeply. "So, this is it?"
Kate shrugged. "Life is so fragile, so tenuous. You still have time to change your mind, I understand. However, should you give me the half the money and back out, the money is still mine."
"I am not backing out. We'll be in touch?"
"Be sure of it. I will see you in approximately twenty-four hours, Mr. Candella."
Kate turned around and left. She walked to her car, and once inside, immediately shucked the wig and disposable contacts. She slipped the wig into her book bag that was resting on the passenger seat. She rubbed her face, and thought, 'what am I?' It was a question that she'd been asking herself for a long time. What was it inside her that made her kill almost with no remorse? She knew part of it was her mentor, Jang Hoon's training, but she also knew that there was something inside HER that made it easy for her to kill. It'd always been there. She sighed and drove on. She had studying to do.
Kate drove home, thinking absently and randomly. She was slightly restless, she had popped in mix tapes she had made of Sarah McLachlan, The Corrs, Clannad and Enya, but found that they were too peaceful for her state of mind. She switched a mix tape of DJ Liquid, Trance Trippin' and Korean techno singer, Jung Hyun Lee, but found them to be too chaotic. She deplored silence, but she couldn't decide what the hell to listen to. Finally, in frustration, she turned on the radio, but switched it off a few moments later, muttering "fucking tripe."
It bothered her that she got so restless after a job consultation. That hadn't happened . . . since her first solo hit job- but that was only because she was on her own. No, something was different, something had been different for a while now. It used to be that she was the most serene when she was "working," because she thought she was in her element. She liked not having the scruples that most people have, it was a way of survival for her. But, now, she was getting antsy and maudlin in the area of her expertise. She knew that couldn't be good.
'I don't want to be like this because of Jill,' Kate thought. She mentally slapped herself quickly. 'Katherine Lonnigan, you just met the girl this morning. You'll probably never see her again, or if you did, it'll only be in passing. Why would you want to change your life for her? You don't even like her, she's too damn chatty. But, dang, was she pretty. And nice. Am I getting a crush on her? Do I even like girls that way? I don't even like ANYONE in that way. Get some and get gone, you know? What am I thinking about? Why am I torturing myself like-'
HONK!
Kate looked in the rearview mirror and saw that a man was shaking his fist at her. The light was green. She stuck her hand out the window and gave him the middle finger and drove off quickly. She chastised herself for letting her mind wander so far, and for the rest of the drive, concentrated solely on the road.
She finally got home sometime after midnight. Her roommate was in the living room, simultaneously watching Conan O' Brian on mute, listening to her Discman and doing her homework. Cynthia felt Kate's presence as she entered the door, and gave a short wave. She took off her earphones, while Kate took off her shoes to leave by the door.
"Hey," she called. "You have fun tonight?"
Kate smiled and nodded.
"What'd you think of Jill?"
"She seems really nice."
"She invited us for dinner at her apartment tomorrow. She's cooking."
"Is she good?"
"Jill's a great cook."
"What time?"
"I don't know. Probably around 7:30."
Kate touched her face, "I don't know . . ."
"Aw, c'mon, Katie. You need to get out more."
"I do get out."
"Well, I know. But . . . I just think it's really unhealthy the way you keep to yourself."
Kate rolled her eyes and blew out a breath of exasperation. Although she liked the older woman, and Cynthia was fairly easy to live with, she thought that everyone else had to be as social as she was. "I'm happy the way I am, Cynthia."
"Well, will you give thought to the dinner thing? Jill liked you."
Kate shrugged. "We'll see."
With those words, Kate strided up the stairs, taking two steps at a time. When she was safely ensconced in her room, she pulled out the wig and immediately put it into her disguise box. She turned on her computer, and silently thanked the MP3 phenomenon that managed to save her heaps of money in CD costs. Years of living with Jang Hoon had made her frugal. Cynthia knew something was bothering her as soon as she heard Radiohead coming from Kate's room. Kate only listened to Karma Police, Creep and Fake Plastic Trees when she was upset about something.
'Ha,' Cynthia thought, 'you're not as difficult to read as you think you are. I know when something is bothering you, and one day, you and I are going to talk about it.'
The repetition of the three Radiohead songs began to drive Cynthia crazy, but she resisted from asking Kate to turn it down, after all, it was a reasonable volume, the walls were just thin. She knew how much Kate hated her rap music, and Cynthia always blasted it day and night. Never once did Kate ever ask her to turn it down. Cynthia just trudged up the stairs to her own room to listen to music she liked.
Cynthia's phone rang-- each girl had her own separate phone line since Cynthia chatted incessantly on the phone and Kate was constantly on the internet doing God knows what.
"Hello?"
"Hey, baby," a female voice purred in her ear.
Cynthia recognized instantly who it was, and played along. "Why, hello you little sex kitten."
"How I've missed you my little tomato."
"Oh, you're too too kind, my red cabbage. When are you taking me away to Hawaii to get married?"
"Alas, those plans must be held off indefinitely."
Cynthia put mock tears into her voice, "but- but I've already promised my male harem we were going, and my boytoys, Roderigo and Raoul are expecting us to go."
"My blow up doll's name is Raoul," the two women said simultaneously. Cynthia broke into laugher first. "Jilly, I love how we can just joked about this."
" 'My blow up doll's name is Raoul' " was a long standing high school joke. Trisha Polito had first uttered the sentence as a way to mock her best friend, Benjamin in the middle of their AP Physics class. From that moment on, "my blow up doll's name is Raoul" had become a class saying.
"So, what's up for tomorrow night?" Jill asked.
Cynthia sighed. "I don't think she'll come. She's in her upset, anti-social mode."
"Why? What happened?"
Cynthia shrugged, even though she knew that Jill couldn't see her. She was silent for a few moments as she tried to think of what to say.
"Don't do that, Cyn, You know I can't see you when you shrug when we talk on the phone."
"Well, how did you know then?"
"I've known you since we were seven, of course I know."
"Heh. Bitch. I hate it when you do that. I don't know what happened to Kate, but when that girl listens to Radiohead, you know something is wrong."
"Hey! I like Radiohead."
"I know. At least Kate has the sense to only listen to it when she's depressed or angry. You just listen to it anyway, you abnormal ol' coot," Cynthia teased.
"Hmph! At least I don't listen to BRANDY."
"One song! Just ONE song!" Cynthia started to laugh again. "I mean, you know how much I hate that 'Boy is Mine' song. Two bitches fighting over some guy is not my idea of a good song."
"I really wish you would stop using 'bitch' in lieu of 'girl' or 'woman."
"Jillian Kline, I'd appreciate it if you not act like my mother."
"Cynthia Holbrook- hey, hold on, okay? My roommate is being a fucking bitch."
Cynthia heard the phone being thrown onto Jill's bed before she could open her mouth about Jill's usage of the word 'bitch.' She knew it didn't really count, but she wanted to tease her friend anyway. A few moments later, Jill came to the phone again.
"I can't believe that girl!"
"What did Shannon do now?"
"She's just being psychotic. I'm so sick of this shit, and I can't tell her not be such a shit head because she's a friend. Christ, I ALWAYS have bad experiences with my roommates."
"Come over again, spend the night."
"I have to study-"
"You can study here. Remember when we were kids and we'd have all those sleepovers?"
Jill chuckled. "Yeah, and we'd start clubs with the whopping membership of two. I was older, so I got to be Emperor and you got to be President. Yeah, I'll be there. See you soon?"
"Yeah, I'll be in my room, so I'll leave the front door unlocked."
"Cool."
"So, see you soon, J."
"Cyn?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks."
Jill packed an overnight bag along with her regular school bag. Her roommate who was pacing around the room observed the packing. "Where are you going?"
"Out. Shannon, you know I hate it when you drink too much and get all belligerent. I'm just leaving before we say things to each other that we're going to regret."
"I thought we were friends."
"We are, but when you drink too much like tonight, plus the fact that you tweak too much, I don't want to deal with it."
"Well, fuck you."
"Shannon, we have a long way to go before the end of the year and my name isn't on the lease. I could just move out, but I want us to remain friends. I don't want to move out, it's a huge hassle for me, but you're being a pain in my ass."
"Just leave." The other girl stomped away.
Thirty minutes later, Jill was knocking on Cynthia's bedroom door.
"Come in!"
Jill walked in and instantly hugged Cynthia who was sitting at her desk.
"What's wrong?" Cynthia asked, clearly alarmed.
"Shannon is just being a pain in my ass."
"Enough to make you cry?"
"You know how much she drinks . . . right?"
Cynthia nodded.
"Well, now she's been tweaking too, and she's just so volatile and she's always so belligerent, I'm always on edge when I'm home. I'm seriously uncomfortable in my own home. But it's not just that, Shannon is a friend, and I hate to see her destroying herself like this, but what can I do?"
The door to Kate's bedroom opened then, she had a glass in her hand. She saw Cynthia soothing an obviously distressed Jill. "Oh, sorry, I-" She held up her glass, indicating she was going downstairs for a glass of water.
"It's fine, Kate. Come in, actually," Cynthia said.
Kate stepped tentatively into the room, she was never good at sensitive chats. "What's wrong?" she asked softly.
"Roommate problems and a gentle soul," Cynthia replied.
Kate unconsciously smiled as she remembered the gentlest soul she had ever known-- Julia. The two had been so close in age and were the best of friends, much to Jang Hoon's delight. The smile slowly faded as she remembered the way Julia died. She shook her head and awkwardly rested her hand on Jill's shoulder.
She didn't often physically express her affection for an individual. She remembered that the only people she ever felt comfortable sharing her personal space with were Jang Hoon and Julia. Cynthia was included, but to a much lesser extent. Kate recognised a similar element in Jill that Julia had. It was something in the eyes, a gentleness, Kate knew from the moment she looked into Jill's green eyes that she was a person capable of deep affection and caring- someone antithetical to her.
Jill patted the hand and sniffed. "Thanks."
Kate and Cynthia were downstairs drinking tea and coffee respectively- Kate never drank caffeine after 7pm except on rare occasions.
"Is she all right?" Kate asked.
Cynthia nodded. "Yeah, she's sleeping now. She just has some roommate problems, not everyone gets along as well as we do."
Kate smiled. "Yeah. Well, if she has that many problems, maybe she should move out."
"I already asked her about that, but Jill doesn't want to leave Shannon hanging on the rent. You know how expensive it is. Plus, Shan's a friend."
Kate nodded. "Yeah, I can see how that can be a problem. I don't know what the problem is, but sometimes it's best to get out of the element, rather than trying to remedy it."
"That's what I told her. Jill's a fifth year senior like me, so this is our last year. She really wanted her last year to be her best."
"That's too bad."
"Shannon- she . . . drinks too much and she's been tweaking a lot lately. I don't think it's safe for her to live there anymore- and she's not on the lease."
"Maybe she can give Shannon an ultimatum. Either she cleans up her act, or she moves out."
"Yeah. We discussed it, but Jill is a little on the passive-aggressive side."
"Maybe I can talk to the girl. After all, I don't really know Jill too well, so I'm not emotionally invested."
Cynthia smiled. "That's a nice offer, but I bet Jill would say 'no' to that. She'd say it's only make things worse.
"Yeah, probably -come to think of it. Well, I'm sorry I can't be of more help."
"Nah! You've been great. It was really decent of you-- comforting her and stuff. I know that's not really your thing."
Kate shrugged. "She seems really nice."
"She is. She's my best friend, but we haven't been able to see much of each other this year."
"Well, there's this quarter and one more quarter to go."
"Yeah. I just want you to know that it's been great living with you so far."
"Thanks. You too."
"So, are we going to talk about what was bothering you earlier?"
"Huh?"
"Don't 'huh' me. I know something was wrong, you never listen to Radiohead unless you're upset about something."
"It's nothing, really."
"I really wish you'd tell me what's bothering you sometimes."
"I do."
"Yeah, but it's usually something like 'I don't like my TA' or 'I'm so stressed, I have four papers to write by tomorrow.' I know those aren't the major things that bother you."
"Cyn, everything is all right. Seriously. And it's not like you come to me every time something is bothering you. Look, I think we both need to get to bed. Let's go upstairs?"
"I'm going to stay down here a little longer. I'll see you tomorrow. Good night."
"Night."
Kate headed up the stairs, and entered her room. It was fairly Spartan- there was a futon, a desk and a set of three small drawers that held her undergarments, socks and pajamas. The walls were almost bare. She opened one of her many desk drawers and pulled out a framed picture.
It was taken in 1993, when she and Julia had been thirteen. They were at a friend's party, and were obviously having a good time. Julia held a cigarette in one hand and had an arm wrapped around Kate's shoulders. Kate was holding a 40 oz bottle of Mickey's Iced Beer. Both were staring insouciantly into the camera.
Kate smiled as she remembered the party. She and Julia had always been a little wild, and Jang Hoon accepted it knowing that both girls had enough good sense not to get into too much trouble. And he was right, although both girls hung out with an older, slightly disreputable crowd, they each had the sense never to get into trouble with the law, or indulge themselves too much into bad habits.
It was one of her happier memories with Julia- both had looked so carefree and happy. Julia was a little red from the Asian Glow and Kate could see even from the picture that her own eyes were glassy. She touched Julia's face in the picture. "I'm sorry, Julia," she whispered. "If I had only known you were hurting so bad that day, I never would have left."
She put the picture back in her drawer and went to sleep.
She'd always had strange dreams. Most of them involved what looked like slightly older selves of herself and Julia. They wore strange clothing, and from the surroundings, Kate thought they were sometime in the past. Her dreams were often re-occuring. Not many of her dreams were pleasant, however.
This was her favorite dream. She was laying down, and Julia seemed to be looming over her, exerting a strong but comforting presence. She could feel pain in the dream, but as soon as Julia's hands roamed over her, she felt none. It was always like that. Julia's touch even had the power to take away physical pain. Julia's touches were simple, really. A touch on the arm, a pat on the shoulder-- sometimes a caress on the cheek, and yet they had been so powerful.
Suddenly, she was in Julia's arms. In other dreams, Kate would call Julia by the name of Lao Ma and Julia would call her Xena. But it made no difference- a part of her knew that by any name, the people she was dreaming of were she and Julia. They were dancing on air, it seemed, and while Kate knew that it was impossible she never felt the kind of joy awake as she did when she dreamt of she and Julia dancing. They were happy.
The dream always seemed to end when she put a hairpin in Julia's hair. It was so abrupt, but it left Kate smiling in her sleep, rolling over and unconsciously hugging the pillow closer to her. "Nuhl luhl yuhng one hee sah lang heh, Hyung Eun 'Julia' Jo, I always have and I always will," murmured softly in her sleep. (I love you forever.)