Chapter 8

After our conversation, an almost sisterly bond had developed. We began to find each other more often during the days and even on the odd evenings. Our weekly tanning appointments continued and like two young girls we began to playfully enjoy each others company on an occasional basis, but still no medium to be more in-depth.

Music! It is a level that all people can relate on. Likes and dislike, exposure to new genres of audio pleasure. Why hadn't I thought of this before?

We started to share our favorite artists and concert experiences. Most of my music was unheard of to her. I introduced her to Melissa Ferrick's music which soon became a favorite of hers even if it is lesbian folk music.

One day after work I went to my tent to change my clothing and found a cd from Danielle entitled "Thank You". I picked it up and immediately placed it in my disc man. I listened to this cd several times and found myself searching for hidden meanings. I was excited at that possibility and was as giddy as a young school girl awaiting the arrival of her first date. In the end no conclusion was made and I was left to daydream and wonder. It was foolish of me to even consider that this token would mean anything more than an appreciation of music shared together.

A few days later I was strutting into Dani's office on a cool afternoon to hear my music playing. I made a flirtatious joke accompanied by playful wrestling with Danielle saying that if she continued to listen to this music that she would end up gay. We would always laugh when these types of jokes were made but then she said, "Would that be such a big surprise?"

It was this sentence that sent my stomach off into the air as if I had just reached the top of a roller coaster hill and headed down the opposite side, leaving my insides floating above me. I quickly said that there is no way that she could be a part of the "dark side". I walked through the paddling store into the storage room with the weirdest thoughts of possibilities and found myself smiling like a young child at their birthday party when everyone stands around singing and embarrassing you. What a warm sensation I had received. Rapidly every moment spent together from work, swimming, tanning. and having short conversations ran through my mind. I analyzed every word and action shared, searching for clues that I might have missed, clues to resolve my teenage emotions. Could this woman be gay?

Throughout this new connection that we had found in music, she shared her love of Ani deFranco, who is well known in the gay community. I had exposed her to more gay artists and wondered if it was possible that my "gaydar" was right in tune?

Gaydar, the eighth wonder of the world and a talent that is mostly attributed to homosexuals. It's funny to be walking down the street, riding the bus, or people-watching while on the subway and be able to pick out who my fellow limp-wristed friends are. I'm not sure how it is that we develop this phenomenon but it is extremely intense. To sit and watch someones movements or listen to their way of conversing and be able to tell by these small displays whether they are gay or straight. This sixth sense can truly amuse and awe people who don't possess it. I often wonder whether the reason is that we (the gay community), have developed this talent is because being gay is not something that one displays openly. We learn to hone our gaydar detective skills to better enable ourselves in finding new friendships and possible love interests. Not everyone is open about their sexuality so this skill is a needed asset to survive in what a can be perceived as a harsh world.

I was later informed that Dani had asked our very own Pavarotti what he would do if she was gay? He replied, "I would support you as I do Carrie.", like a true open-minded friend should.

It's not often in life that I personally have encountered people who are as open and loving as those that I had been so lucky to spend time with that summer. I can only describe my new friends as graceful as a feather blowing in the wind, taking each new turn with a cheerful roll and continuing to bounce along the wind streams with a joyful out look on life. Of course, there were the minor upsets and then the make up sessions with things taken day to day, but no one held a grudge towards another.

I often wonder if there was anything that could tip their boats?

Chapter 9

It was a beautiful spring day with the sun in full sight. A light breeze found my loose hairs and sent them in every direction. A double shuttle driver was needed and I was called in to do it. The best news I got upon hearing of this long day of driving was that Dani had offered to drive the second part of the shuttle with me even though it was her day off. I was excited, but felt that it was not necessary for her to lose this beautiful day to be in the navigator's seat. To my surprise, when I returned from the first shuttle she was waiting for me on the island. She brought snacks, music, and beverages for us to share on our journey.

Heading out to pick up our clients was a 40 minute drive, but it took us much longer because we were so caught up in the conversation that we missed the turnoff. I would have missed it at any rate because I didn't know the way to begin with. We laughed while making the U-turn and backtracked to our destination. As I listened to her stories of time spent amongst the trees I found myself getting fidgety. Sitting still had always been a challenge for me but it had become more distinct when in the presence of Dani.

After dropping our clients, we stopped off at the rangers booth to take in a short hike as Dani insisted on showing me some of the native paintings along the waterfront. I stopped for photos of her on the way along the rocky trail. Watching her make her way along the track was pleasureful. She slipped and stumbled but always managed to keep a smile on her face. She even took my hand to assist each other on the trail. I had no idea that she enjoyed the outdoors so much. We continued along with me slightly consumed with thoughts of selfish acts.

If nerves could be monitored, I would have put the numbers through the roof in that truck as we continued our drive back from our hike. I made it a point to touch her thigh at the start of my conversations. Flirting in such a subtle manner so as to not make her nervous but to give me the pleasure of long-awaited physical contact and letting her know that I was comfortable with her.

By this time I had come to realize that I was smitten by this lovely creature. Every day I learned something more about her and fell deeper and deeper into like with her. It became more than a physical attraction or puppy love. It got to the extent that my partner waiting for me in the big smoke began to ask questions of me as to why I referred to this lady so often. How was I supposed to answer that question? Should I have told the truth that I had a crush on a straight girl? That I was hoping for more from her? Or should I continue on my path with your partner who complimented me in so many ways? I chose the latter. Am I a coward, a liar? Yes, it is true, but to damage a relationship for a unrequited love would have been a big mistake.

I battled with these emotions as I continued to slip into this warm sense of like. Soon, I would be heading back to the city and she would be off to complete her education with marriage soon after. Why should I have thrown away my relationship with Sam? I was confident that it would work out if the only piece that confuses me was unattainable and out of vision. I continued my silence knowing that what I was doing was wrong but I still allowed myself to feel excitement for our chance meetings and developing friendship.

Chapter 10

Spring was turning to summer, and my days were filled with broken boats, people who needed jobs done, and, as always, frequent trips to the office for playful touching. I was becoming a master at finding excuses to visit the small store. The store was full of paddling gear and trinkets made by the locals. It was decorated with Danielle's touch and was well-organized for such a small space.

Whether it be to do work in the store or to use the computer to quickly check on my email, I made time to visit every day. In most cases I was required to go behind Danielle's desk, and this was a tight space. During our exchange of positions, our bodies managed to brush up against each other. My hands found their way to her generous curves or by touching her hand, it was enough to keep my imagination filled with desires. She never seemed to mind my touching her and it became more and more constant on every visit.

On one occasion I give a kiss to her check in a sloppy joke manner. She was full of laughter and joked that the kiss was wet. She tickled me and merrily entangled me in her arms. I felt that she was making a connection with me, flirting back with my attempts to impress her and receive her attention.

Upon returning home from a weekend visit with Sam I was aware that I would be missing an important day on the island. What I didn't know until I had returned was that everyone else had also missed this day. Dani's birthday had gone by unnoticed. Later that day while I was in town I stopped off at the flower shop and purchased a bouquet of lilies for her. I wrote "To the girl who never gets flowers" in a small birthday card. When I returned from town I headed up the stairs to her office and she greeted me at the door. As I gave them to her she asked why. I only said happy birthday and turned to walk away feeling embarrassed. She thanked me and entered her office smiling largely, yet I could hear her weeping quietly through the door. Had I made a huge mistake? Was this too forward?

I found myself wondering what she was doing as I laid in my tent night after night. I wished she would stay around work longer so that I could monopolize her attention. I felt that I was losing my grip on reality. I was dreaming about someone that, even though she seemed to be flirting, was not going to be with me. No concrete action had presented itself.

I realized that as every day passed, I was falling in love with this amazing woman who brought all my senses to true heights. She made me feel as though I could swim the mouth of the river on a day when the waves are rough and the wind was at its full strength.

It astonished me that in all my past relationships I had never come to feel so passionately for someone. I could look at her and be warmed through and through. My worries disappeared, my stress level dropped, and I became relaxed and calm. She had become the person who could soothe my raging fires.

My relationship with Sam had not changed even with to this new discovery on my part, but I did start to notice that Sam was becoming more and more unavailable when I would call her. At times I had even questioned whether or not she also had found feelings for a woman that she referred to quite often. Was I projecting my feelings of deceitfulness onto her? Or did I have reason for my questions as to her whereabouts when returning from my weekend in the city? I discovered that it didn't seem to matter much to me. If she was to go another route, I would be happy for her and be able to gracefully move on. This gave me the answer to an ongoing question. Sam and I must end.

Knowing that I didn't view Danielle as a friend made me nervous around her as if I was meeting her all over again for the first time. It became most evident the day before I was to leave for a week-long paddling trip as an assistant guide.

During the summer she had been studying through correspondence, and I was asked to oversee a exam that she was to take. The morning of the test she came to my tent platform as I slept. It was a grey morning and the skies were full of a heavy fog and mist. She was so quiet that I didn't even hear her footsteps or the zipper on my tent being drawn open. I am awakened by her gentle touch on my shoulder. As I slowly roll to see who has entered my home, my vision became clear. It was Danielle kneeling at my door. Without thinking, I quickly sat up and grabbed her arm, pulling her into my tent. She fell onto my air mattress giggling quietly. I tell her "Not yet, morning has come too soon".

After listening to my plea she closed the fly of my tent without a fight. I asked her to lay with me just a little longer. She laid on her side next to me, with her back pressed to my front as we spooned. I was not quite awake when I realized that my top arm was wrapped around her upper torso and that she was holding it. Trying not to show that I was uncomfortable with my discovery, I slowly withdrew my embrace by rolling onto my back. I was curious as to why she had held my arm but was also embarrassed of my own arm. I began to contemplate her actions. Did she hold my arm to stop me from moving it along her body or was it to feel its full effect upon her and embrace me in an affectionate manner? She had come to me wearing jeans and a large-necked blue sweater with a white tank top underneath. Her hair smelled so fresh as it lay in my face. I began to pick up the scent of her vanilla perfume and I felt my heart begin to react instantaneously. She informed me that she had brought me breakfast and that it awaited me outside the tent if I ever wished to greet the morning. I rolled to her and told her that they could wait a little longer and placed my left arm around her torso once again. I snuggled in for a short moment but then became fully awake and aware of our positioning. I panicked and retreated to my back once again.

She rolled over to face me and we began to discuss the day to come. She looked at me with drawing eyes. Was she aware of those eyes? Was she aware of my sheer bliss at that moment? I wanted to roll over to be face to face with her. She smiled peacefully and commented on my sleeping quarters; how it has been decorated sweetly with hemp necklaces. She noted that I wear a different one almost every day and asked the significance of their change. I was amazed at how much detailed attention she paid to me. With every meeting she brought to my attention something new about me that I would have taken for granted. It was a silly conversation we shared while gazing into each others eyes, neither of us bringing up the subject of my embracing her form. An hour traveled by in the span of a minute and we came to the conclusion that this test would not take itself.

She headed up to the lodge and I was left to dress and revel in my early morning treat. If only I was to be woken up everyday like this, I would be overflowing with joy and able to greet all my early rises with such gaiety and blissfulness.

I made my way to the lodge on that chilly morning to join her in the front room where she had set up a desk for herself to write her exam. From this front room I could see the weather that was to come. Off the lake there was rain headed our way, and I worried of the trips that were scheduled to leave the next day. Figuring that I would be contained for approximately three hours, I had brought along my own writing utensils and was prepared to send letters home to family and friends. We enjoyed our hot chocolate and banana bread breakfast as she began the test. The full possible time allowance was three hours but it was soon clear that this was not the place for the test to be taken. The other staff and guests were a constant interruption and we decided to move the exam to the owners cabin for it was empty and quiet.

Setting up once again, Danielle continued her journey for higher education and I was distracted by her beauty. My attempt at correspondence was nil. She monopolized my every thought. I relived my morning several times during her test. I felt my insides tighten and release causing a nauseating but pleasurable effect. I tried to distract myself by taking in the atmosphere of the cabin. Constructed of one hundred percent wood, I admired its architecture. I wondered if I would ever have a cottage similar to this one in the future; a small place near the lake for my days off and vacation.

We were constantly having small chats during the test. She offhandedly admitted that it would be very quiet around the island during the coming week without me there and that she would miss seeing me. I shared the same thoughts. My only reason to stay would be her. I was mesmerized by her beauty and not wanting our time together to end. I cleverly suggested that when she was finished with the test that I should go over it with her. I read the questions and multiple answers, she answered them out loud, and I would check to see if she answered the same the second time through.

As I continued to read the exam, I sat across the room in a large chair. She made herself more comfortable on the couch, laying on her back with her knees bent at ninety degrees. She answered most of the questions before I can give the possible choices. I was amazed by her brilliance and memory, but was more amazed by her body. She had laid there as if to tease me, sexually sprawled out on the couch. How jealous I was of the couch and how I wanted so much to join her, to crawl on top of her, and display my burning desire to kiss her lips that had me melting with every call of my name. I felt my body begin to quiver with excitement but couldn't find a reason to even walk by the couch. She asked if I was cold to which I quickly falsely replied, "just my feet".

She removed herself from the couch and came to the foot of my chair and began to rub my feet. As she sat there crossed-legged with my feet in her hand, I realized that I was in over my head. I felt like I could not control my urges towards her. I continued going through the test, hoping that would distract me from my sexual urges as she repeated her answers.

Just reach down, take her face gently in your hands and kiss her, I thought to myself. But the battle inside me continued until she made the most subtle move. She changed her seated position slightly to prop her knees up then delicately placed both my feet upon the tops of her knees. I watched attentively as she lowered her face to them. I waited, wide-eyed, holding my breath in anticipation of her next movement. She didn't kiss them but gently lay her cheek to them. I wanted so desperately to return this sign of affection, but in a more direct manner. As I continued to tremble with excitement from within, I began to slowly lean forward towards Dani to sample her lips. Our faces drew closer as our eyes began to connect. My breathing became deep and more rapid and I raised my left hand to meet her face ... when the sound of a breaking twig outside the doors stopped me.

Someone was coming up the stairs and we were startled. She dropped my feet and backed away slightly as I sat up straight and looked to the door. Another guide had stored their trip food in the cabin fridge and had come to reclaim it. The guide was too slow to view the gentle foot rub that had worked me into such a heat wave, which I am thankful for. She had disappeared as quickly as she arrived, unaware of our previous situation.

To my surprise, Danielle resumed her former position at the foot of my chair. I looked down to her and explained that she didn't need to rub my feet, but she continued with a sweet smile. I felt dirty. The interruption had brought me back to reality. She had a fiancé and I had a girlfriend, what were we doing?

Soon after completing the exam, she pointed out that she had better return to the office and start her day of work. We walked out together and as I walked off to join my co-workers, I was left wondering what might have happened had we not been interrupted?

Was this how affairs began? People get caught up in moments of temptation and lose touch with reality for a short time, and before they know what has happened they have been swept into a love triangle that is difficult to forget and even harder to explain to those who are on the outside and deserve to know what their partner has been doing with their free time. An intense moment that draws them in and even after the moment is over, they want it again and again. They crave that rush, the tension, the excitement, this change in their every day life.


Continued in Part 4