Chapter 11

That night before heading out on our trip, my co-guide and I spent the evening down the road relaxing at my new family's beach home. I am told that their home is my home and if I am ever caught in town doing laundry there will be trouble. Taking this to heart, I spent the early part of the evening here fluffing and folding, and then rest was the number one priority for me.

My co-guide Jill and I had planned an evening of laying around Tristan's house in front of the TV enjoying a mindless night, and the rest of Tristan's family were out of town for the week. We had rented a movie and purchased some snacks for our evening and shared the invitation with the others. No takers other than a "maybe" from Dani, and it had taken some persuading to get that answer.

The remainder of the staff were headed into town for beers on that Saturday evening and no matter how hard they tried to convince us of a possibly wonderful time, I stood firm in my exhausted state with my decision to lounge around and spend the evening indoors.

As I enjoyed the indoor plumbing and excess of hot water, I wondered if I was wishing on a shooting star? I had come to the conclusion that she would not likely join us for our cinema night and that this was reality. She had a fiancé and was set to head down that road with him. I could not, in good faith, step into this situation even though it had developed into a need more than a want.

As the movie was being inserted into the DVD player, we heard a knock at the door and a soft voice that I was only too familiar with. I had heard it in my dreams and it never ceased to create tingles in my lower region. She had come by to visit and partake in this relaxing evening.

The three of us concluded our greetings and headed to the basement to begin our movie. The basement was a large finished room that housed a large sofa, futon, and arm chair, not to mention a gym set. This room could have housed half of the staff at A.P.A. and still have ample room to spare. Most of the staff had come to enjoy time here on an odd evening out. I felt very comfortable in my adopted family's home ... except tonight.

As Dani and Jill gathered on the futon which was opened up for a sleeping space, I found that I could not decide where to seat myself. I was invited to join the girls on the futon as they lay on their stomachs side by side. As tempting as this position was, I chose to sit on the floor leaning between the sofa and futon.

Out of all the furniture in the basement I was sitting on the floor next to the futon, how much more obvious could I get? Time began to pass in the movie and soon it was just Dani and I in the make-shift theatre. We heard the piano being tickled upstairs as I became aware that Dani's position had changed from the beginning of the evening. She now lay lengthwise on the futon with her face at the same end as the couch and space that I occupy. I nervously decided that this was my chance to be as forward with her as she was with me in the cabin. To let her know in a subtle way that I had been uncontrollably developing feelings for her. I didn't think, I acted. All my contemplating and reasoning in the shower had abandoned me.

Leaning on the couch, I gently reached over and stroked the hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear. She was almost asleep and my touch did not disturb her. My other arm, which had been resting on the edge of the couch since the night began felt her hand touch it from under her pillow. We slowly and delicately brushed against each others hands but did not take hold. I began to feel like a tenth grader who had for the first time made contact with their crush. I was consumed with butterflies and yet had a fear that someone would see us in our innocent act. At one point she took my arm in her hand and held it. I tried hard not to swallow, fearing that she would hear it and understand how nervous I was and in turn pull away. I quietly asked if she was sleeping and she whispered "no". We stayed in this position in the dark as the movie disappeared from my mind and I focused on the delicate touch on my right arm.

Was this the beginning? Most relationships begin with these types of subtle touches and simple displays of affection. She had admitted that she was awake, which meant that she was aware of her extremities and their position. When I again moved her soft blond hair with my other hand, she raised her head, and our eyes met. For what seemed like an eternity we sat holding each others gaze, as if trying to read each others thoughts. My hands began to sweat and I felt her fingers tremble as they laid on my arm. In the glare from the TV she appeared to be relaxed and comfortable. I turned my attention to the movie which had now ended and I couldn't begin to calculate how long ago it had begun to run its credits. We sat in silence enjoying each others touch until the door to the cold air opened at the top of the stairs. Dani looked at the TV and slowly moved her hand back under her pillow to support her head. I dropped my arm to my lap and looked up to see who our visitor was.

Tristan entered the cinema room loudly and evidently he'd had more than wings at the Motor Inn. We all sat listening to his stories of the evening and I began to tire. He invites Dani to stay but she declined saying that she was expected home that evening. We headed upstairs to the door and I walked past to freshen up in the bathroom at the top of the stairs. Preparing for bed, I headed around the corner to my room after saying goodnight to Dani. She came to me instead and offered a strong embrace that was unlike any other I had received. We pulled apart after some time and I stepped into my bedroom hoping that maybe she would enter to chat for a moment. Most wishes are unanswered and mine was no different then anyone elses. I heard the door close as she called out to me to sleep tight. Soon my bed contained one lesbian and one little brother. We cuddled for a few moments, which was normal for us being family and all, before a word was spoken.

Being very perceptive, Tristan asked, "What is going on with you? Are you falling for Dani?".

I do not lie but only say, "She is an amazing woman, how can anyone not fall for her?".

He agreed and soon after I heard him snoring behind me. I laid there staring at the ceiling and wished I was sharing my bed with someone else. Why couldn't it have been her delicate arms wrapped around me leading me to dream land?

Sleep did not come easily that night. After some time we decided that the bed had become too small and Tristan headed off to his own room. I took this moment of privacy to please myself with visions of Danielle in my mind before I headed off to sleep.

I closed my eyes and revisited moments of playful hugs around the office counter. Gentle touches in the truck as she looked into my eyes smiling lively at me. Of course the vision of her on the dock before I wrapped my arms around her and hurled us into the lake was a key point.

People have asked what it is about women that makes me melt. How can anyone not appreciate the delicate curves along their torso down towards their hips? I get lost in this crevice. It is smooth and flowing, warm to the touch, and yet not visual to any eye. There is also something about a woman's neck that tempts me to fall into it; a line that draws my eyes in and creates an urge within me. It is an urge that causes my mouth to salivate and my tongue to moisten my eager lips. The delicate hairs lining either side call out to me to test their stability, challenging me call them to arms.

My first kiss with a woman was indescribable, but I'll try. Feeling silky lips with a passionate purse taking my own in whole, the breath that escaped from deep within that I was unaware I contained, topped off with an adrenalin rush that conquered my whole being. Never have I looked back to wonder what I am missing out on. I am aware off myself and understand all there is to know about my place in the romantic world. Here is where I am comfortable, queer is who I am. To this day goose bumps find their way along my shell whenever I recall my life-turning experience.

Chapter 12

The morning that I was to leave for my trip I was torn between wanting to say something to Dani and the inability to find the words. I began to write a short letter platonically stating that Jill and I would miss her while we were gone. I informed her that I had left the keys to my SUV and that there was a cd in it that she should listen to. It contained an Australian lesbian band called Fruit that has the most romantic harmonies. Maybe this would give her some insight into how she crippled me with her presence.

While on the mighty Lake Superior as an assistant guide for my first trip, I couldn't help but find myself wondering about my personal life. My body had left for my trip, but my thoughts were back in the cabin reliving yesterdays delicate touches and pulse-raising moments.

I had begun to feel deeply for someone and I was not sure these feelings were appropriate. On the other hand, I had someone at home who had asked that I move forward with them and co-habitat with once the summer had finished. I felt dirty with my thoughts for the island princess and yet I had done nothing to compromise my existing relationship. Everything had been innocent and one-sided until the day before my departure which left me in total confusion as to what it meant.

Our trip had gone smoothly and we had almost made it back to the mouth of the river. Three nights away from returning to the lodge and Jill and I sat to chat, wondering if anyone would come to visit us here at Fryers Bay. We were near the highway at a small beach that was visited by tourists and locals frequently. Our site consisted of 3 large green tents for the girls and a small blue one for the guides. The group of youngsters that we were leading were from Michigan at summer camp. They and their leaders occupied the green tents and paddled tandem kayaks. For most of them this was the first time they had ever been in a kayak. It was a small struggle to get the younger girls to keep pace and their two leaders seem to be torn as to what role they were to play, to be a friend to the girls or to mother them. Neither was working at this point.

Upon arrival at Fryers Bay, we discovered that this site had a large fire pit with logs around it for gathering to enjoy the warmth. The girls were excited and I was more excited for discovering that not far into the woods there was the thunder box. For some reason whenever I get around water I feel the urge to empty my bladder. This caused a continuous problem for me on our trip.

>From the beach we were not visible unless you noted our collection of kayaks. Sheltered from the lakes effects by large pine and birch trees, I sat with Jill and discussed the thought of possible visitors. We wished that Danielle would come and visit, of course for different reasons. No one at A.P.A. knew of my increasing feelings for Dani, and I was not willing to share. As we began to unpack, all I wished was that her silver bug would drive up along the road and request to spend the night with us and our group of youngsters.

Before nightfall, we were scrubbing our dinner dishes when we heard chatter from the other side of our camp. As we sauntered over to investigate who had come to have a closer look at our site, she came into view. Was I dreaming? Coming toward us was Dani with one of our co-workers. I was blown away with this surprise. My body was overwhelmed with butterflies. I was so nervous that I hugged her guest and did not hug Dani until many minutes later after realizing that it would not be seen as anything more than two friends greeting each other.

Two thoughts crossed my mind during our quick, and what can only be described as awkward, embrace. One was that she may have possibly regretted the other morning and I was reading into things, and the other was that I had just realized that neither Dani nor her travel companion had pants on. Standing there in their underwear they explained their story of crossing the beach's small stream overflow that lead to the lake in order to get to our camp. The water level had been too high for them to keep dry pants so they had gotten innovative and removed them in order to have something warm for later. Dani hurried to put her slacks back on as I averted my eyes to give her some privacy, but noted that small pink panties were her choice of undergarment for that evening.

Coming in the true style of camp crashers they brought an assortment of chips to share but demand a camp fire in return for their thoughtful gift. The fire was quickly lit and we gathered to share stories of what had been happening on our adventure and they brought us up to speed about how things were going back at work. After some time I excused myself from the girls and headed back to my tent area to complete our dinner dishes before night fell upon us.

Truth being told, I was happy to have Dani show up on this trip, but was consumed with a feeling of greed. I wanted her there, but I didn't want to share her. Would it be too obvious and out of place to ask her to accompany me to the beach for a short walk? There I would tell her my true feelings and how I had become smitten with her beauty and talents since the day I met her. What better place to express my feelings than under a star-filled sky with the echos of the lake crashing on the shore line. Could I do it? Should I do it? Round and round and round these thoughts went. So consumed with my mindful battle, I was unaware of the arriving foot steps of Dani behind me.

Crouched down next to me and my dirty dishes, she placed her arm on my forearm and asked, "Can I give you a hand or could you leave these until later?"

I was nervous and couldn't respond. "I came here to visit with you, aren't you happy to see us?", she asked.

She was looking straight through into my soul with her soft eyes and rattling me through and through. I didn't want her to think that I was not happy to see her, but the reason I was here doing dishes was that I was throwing a pity party for myself and the lack of personal space that I wanted to be sharing with her. Instead I replied "Of course I am happy to see you, I just thought I would clean these up before we get settled in at the fire."

She watched me finish the dishes and put things away offering to help once again but I insisted that I will join her at the fire as soon as my dishes were put away. She awaits me and smiled as I continue to organize my gear.

I quickly finished up my chores and we headed to the fire where we found a spot next to each other on a log. Our group of youngsters entertained us with camp songs and fun games that we all participated in. By the end of the evening, our group had filled the nights darkness with laughter that could only be described as spirited bliss. I continued to flirt with my night goddess by wrapping my arm around her waist at any moment I could, even if only for a brief second. I used offerings of my coat or a pair of warm socks as pathetic excuses to chat, but all attempts were politely declined and I was at a loss for conversation that was appropriate for this situation.

I decided that there was only one last attempt at a chance meeting for a moment alone under the moonlight. I excused myself from the fire to exit to the beach and collect firewood. As I walked along the path in the darkness carefully weaving my way through the trees I wondered if she would follow behind. Alas, I came through that trees to the cold sand to find that I was the only female on the beach. I spent a few moments scolding myself for having such immature thoughts and collected our fuel, returning to the others having feelings of yet another lost opportunity.

The night drew to a close, and our guests were heading out to the highway but could use a light for their journey across the cold sand. I offered myself as an escort for their trip along the waters edge. Decked out in my head lamp, Dani, her guest, and I headed off along in the sands to navigate the driest path along the icy waters. It was almost a romantic walk as she took my arms for assistance. I felt her chilled hands on the inside of my arm as she leaned into my body. Coming to the deep waters where clothing was guaranteed to become moist, we determined that it would be a wise decision to once again discard our pants. I removed mine and reveal my hidden shorts. While waiting for the others, I tried to contain my sheer excitement. Once our skin is bared she again took my arm and I lead them along the deep edges hoping not to lead us all into the cold waters. Trying to appear confident and knowledgeable of our location, I joked along the way about what people would say if they came across us at that moment. Truly, all I could think about during our walk was how I could get a moment alone with Dani. I had loaded questions to ask; "How do you feel about me? What was going on between us in the cabin during your exam?"

We were coming to the edge of the parking lot and running out of sand when I realized I had not yet resolved my dilemma. I stood there saying my goodbyes to her company and still I couldn't come up with a reason for her and I to have a moment alone. I had hoped that our third wheel would need the washroom, that she would head off into the woods to find the designated building, in turn leaving us alone. Alas this was only a wish. After giving a hug to our empty-bladdered friend, I stood there not knowing what to do. Hug her? Smile and say good bye? What was it that she was thinking? Did she want to hug me? Could they tell that I was acting strange and dragging out this goodbye? I drew up the courage and leaned in for a hug. I could feel her breath on my neck as she shivered in my arms. Her arms wrapped tightly around my waist and her head laid gently on my right shoulder. I didn't want to relinquish her. Her scent left me with a melting sensation that warmed me to the my tips of my cold toes. I watched them drive out of the parking lot and my face began to hurt. I realized that I was wearing what could only be described as an elated grin from ear to ear.

Later that night I found her in my dreams, which is not unusual, but tonight they seem so real and possible. I awoke to find myself moist with pleasure from her image.

The next two days of paddling seemed unending. I couldn't get our group back to the island fast enough. I craved seeing her. I kept closing my eyes to find her image which would be there at my request and realized that it would have to suffice for we still had twelve kilometres to paddle.

Chapter 12 ˝

Day seven of my groups trip, and we awoke to a beautiful sunny day for our final length of paddling home. Our strokes seemed to fall through the waters with ease, cutting the waters with a young fresh power. It's as if the girls are also happy to be getting back to civilization. Jill and I both noted the girls' sudden change in momentum. This change only makes us smile since we were happy to be making good time and I was impatient to land along the shores of A.P.A.

Would she be there to greet me? Is she working today? How do I look? Better yet, how do I smell? Oh my god, how rank am I? Seven days and no shower. I began to worry about my scent and worrying only brings on a bodies ability to continue to perspire at a rapid rate. Calm down. What's a girl to do? Two kilometers from shore and it approached us with every stroke. My odor was beginning to exceed its level of normalcy. Taking into consideration the speed of travel, the sun in the sky, the hot wet suit I was in and the physical exertion that I was demonstrating, I could only come to one conclusion. I had a disturbing odor to even the bravest paddler.

Gathering on shore we could only be described as a yard sale. Boats and paddles everywhere, life jackets, clothes, and packs were scattered along the beach. As I climbed out of my vessel, her image caught the corner of my eye. She was coming to greet us with treats and beverages. Never had I seen such a amazing sight. In her tan sandals, beige capri pants, and white sweater she made me so nervous that I began to resort to my alter ego of the nitwit. Luckily, the girls saved me and requested that I join them in a swim to celebrate our landing. Before running off to the edge of the dock I took a moment to share my hellos and to thank my favorite welcome wagoner for our drinks. A swim had been the wisest decision, giving me time to control my stupidity, and, of course, a quick rinse had done wonders for my nose-turning scent.

After a long-awaited and much needed shower, I was placed in charge of the barbecue of hot dogs for our youngsters. With all the paddling and long days spent listening to teenagers complain of how much further, all I wondered was when would this day end? When would I have some time to myself to pursue other avenues of interest? Then, she appeared. It was as if she could read my mind. No sooner was I thinking of her when she graced the warm sands with her tiny feet, which at this point had been treading lightly on my heart.

The remainder of the afternoon was spent sharing laughs between the paddlers and company. I became the entertainment by taking on my usual position of ringmaster. I drew laughs from the crowd at the expense of the young monkeys, and yet kept the lions tame enough so as not to bite. I waved my whip around my head doing circles around all that gathered and snapped it unexpectedly to catch my onlookers off guard to bring their attention back to me. I was there to impress the lady in the front row at the left entrance for she had captured my eye and I wished to dazzle her with my wit.

The next morning came quickly as I made sure the group of young campers were packed up on their bus. I was happy to see them go and even more glad to know that I had the evening to myself.



Continued...