~ Xelda: Warrior Princess? Or, Xena At Westbridge High ~
by Erich

Disclaimer: Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Aunt Hilda, Aunt Zelda and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series "Sabrina, the Teenage Witch," together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of ABC, Archie Comics and Viacom. Xena, Gabrielle, Argo and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series "Xena: Warrior Princess," together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of Universal Studios. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fan fiction. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.

Note: Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Aunt Hilda, Aunt Zelda and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series "Sabrina, the Teenage Witch," together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of ABC, Archie Comics and Viacom. Xena, Gabrielle, Argo and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series "Xena: Warrior Princess," together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of Universal Studios. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fan fiction. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.

DESSCRIBE1@aol.com

Part 5

Chapter Seven


Xelda went into the cave, intent on securing the ambrosia or at least keeping it out of Salem's paws. I still can't believe I'm doing this derring-do, she thought to herself. Yet it is strangely liberating, though that poor Joxer may never get over my witch powers. Did you see that look on his face after I created the torch?

Once she was safely out of anyone's sight, she transformed the torch she held into a high-powered flashlight. Would've done it earlier in front of Joxer, she thought, but if modern technology got into ancient hands, who knew what could happen? In some ways, she mused, technology is the new ambrosia...

She thought about what it would be like to take her new, physically confident self back to Westbridge. If Willard liked the "Zelda" Zelda, he'd adore the "Xelda" Zelda, particularly since he likes sports so much. How gallant it was for him to become interim coach of the girls' track team at the high school. She smiled. Ah, Willard...

"Dream...dream, dream, dream..." she began softly singing. "Dream...dream, dream, dream..."

To speed things up, and to avoid stumbling over any rocks, she floated herself a few inches above the ground. That worked well for a few hundred feet, until she confronted a dead end mountain of rock, save for a gap about 18 inches high and two feet wide. She peeked inside and saw there was space on the other side.

I could see where this would discourage potential explorers, Xelda thought, but I don't have to worry about that. She zapped herself to one-sixth scale, floated effortlessly through the gap, and restored herself to full size once she reached the other side. She gazed upward and there, at the top of a peak, she saw a shiny golden crate. That must be it...

She grew back to regular proportions, then floated up to the top of the peak. A zap unlocked the chest's contents...and indeed, there was the ambrosia inside a chalice.

She retrieved the magical substance, which to her felt like one of those squeeze balls you grasp for exercise, then zapped a bag and put it inside. Now to go back and find Hilda, she thought...

* * *

It was back to class for Sabrina and her "exchange" friends, this time in Mrs. Quick's English class. That Mrs. Quick--so versatile, Sabrina thought to herself. She can teach math, science, English, politics. The young witch had considered placing a spell on the Board of Education to boost her salary, but then considered the domino effect it would have on teachers' salaries as a whole. And haven't the aunts already complained about property taxes?

"You won't be expected to know much here," Sabrina told Xena as they walked down the hall. "You too," she said, turning to Gabrielle.

"Too bad," the bard replied. "I was hoping that Eight Men Out, Ball Four or Instant Replay would be part of the curriculum."

Didn't realize that sports spell I cast was going to have a literary twist, Sabrina mused.

About halfway through the class, while Mrs. Quick was reviewing the career of Dorothy Parker, Mr. Kraft entered the room. "Mrs. Quick, I'm here to excuse Zee from class. She will be participating in the track meet this afternoon."

"Oh, really?" the teacher replied as the tall young woman with long dark hair rose from her seat. "What events will she compete in?"

"Ummm..." the vice principal said.

"Several," Xena answered, trying to come to his rescue.

"Great," Mrs. Quick said. "I hope everyone in class will go over to the stadium and watch Xee run track for us after school today."

Sitting a row to the right of Sabrina, Harvey Kinkle raised his hand. "Yes, Harvey?" said a puzzled Mrs. Quick; she hadn't asked a question.

"Excuse me, ma'am, but I have to leave early for my co-op work," he politely said. Harvey was interested in becoming an auto mechanic, and was learning the ropes at a service station on the other side of town.

"I'd nearly forgotten about that," the teacher said. "Sure. We'll see you tomorrow."

Harvey stood up, smiled at Sabrina and left the room. Ironically, his mother was using his car to shop at a maternity store in a Framingham mall, so he would have to walk to the gas station. Sabrina smiled because she knew he would pass her house.

* * *

"And if you kill that man, my friend, the one they call the foe…"

"Now this sounds like my kind of prophecy!" Callisto grinned.

Salem huffed indignantly. How dare she interrupt my Roger Whittaker number? Philistine! Gamely, he continued: "And if you do it often, friend," (under no circumstances would he dare address Callisto by the original lyrics' "lad") "and if you do it right, you'll be a hero overnight, you'll save your country from her plight, if you survive to see the sight of friend now greeting foe…"

"Hero? Save the country?" Callisto smirked. "You must be talking about somebody else. Pity…it started out so nice, then went all soft." She grimaced and sneezed. "Haven't you got any predictions that can help me?"

Still in a Roger Whittaker frame of mind, Salem decided to launch into his virtuoso rendition of "The Last Farewell." "I hear there's a wicked war a-blazin', and the taste of war I know so very well…"

"I like that," she interrupted, "I hope the rest of it's this good."

"Even now," Salem continued, "I see the foreign flag a-raisin', their guns on fire as we sail into hell…"

Callisto chuckled gleefully. In her daydreams of carnage, she had failed to notice Salem crawling out of her saddlebag and towards her lap.

Salem skipped the next mushy verse and returned to the grim imagery, willing his fur to shed as he crept closer to Callisto. "Though death and darkness gather all around me, and my ship be torn apart upon the sea…"

Callisto crinkled her nose.

"I shall smell again the fragrance of these isles…"

Callisto sneezed three times in rapid succession.

"On the beating waves that brought me once to thee!"

Callisto sniffled, attempting to regain her composure. However, by this time Salem had made his way onto her lap. As he swished his tail under her nose, she very nearly went into convulsions.

With Callisto blinded by her allergic fit, Salem decided the time had come for him to make a break for it. He regretted not being able to finish "The Last Farewell," but he did offer a final Whittaker salute as he leapt off of the horse:

"There's no call for me to stay, so I'm leaving…leaving, leaving, leaving, leaving free!"

Between sneezes, Callisto could barely make out the cat's taunting song fading in the distance: "I've gotta leave old Callisto, I've gotta leave old Callisto, and that leavin's got me all aglow!"

Callisto rubbed her watering eyes. As her allergies faded, she pondered her options. She could follow the oracle into the woods and recapture it easily. She could put up with its baffling rhymes. She could tolerate this enchantment it cast on her health. She could take it to the general and sell him the oracle for a tidy sum. Or…she could forget the oracle, ride on to the general and just take that tidy sum from him.

Callisto rode on.

* * *

"We're nearing the mountain," Joxer said, gazing dreamily into Hilda's eyes. "You like me...you really like me!"

"Yep..." Hilda answered, then softly mouthed, "Gidget." No need to be acerbic to him, she reminded herself. "And I'm crazy 'bout you too, Joxie."

"Aww," he said, turning to her with a smile--just before he ran into a tree branch. He got up and shrugged. "Anyway, the entrance to the mountain is only cubits away, I swear."

"I'll take your word for it," Hilda answered, hoping he was right. The durability of footwear in this era was rather minimal...

* * *

Rushing with more speed than he had shown in years of cathood, Salem dashed into woodland, figuring that if Callisto caught him, she would use his fur for purposes he shuddered to consider.

Which way could that ambrosia be?, he thought as he continued to run. What if I've accidentally led her toward the ambrosia she was scheduled to consume a few episodes later? Have I thrown the story arc out of whack? As if it really matters now...

After a few mnutes, Salem slowed down his pace. You should be safely out of harm's way, he thought, turning to the right. That's where the ambrosia must be, in that mountain...

A bit of a walk through the forest, and Salem could see a man sitting on a rock outside an entrance to a cave. His feline vision further showed the man looked an awful lot like Joxer, but there was something strange about him. Something devious.

"That witch never suspected a thing!" he said with a grin. "Once she brings back the ambrosia, I snatch it from her, and before she can cast a spell I consume it and overcome her. Boy, that's sneaky."

"That's not Joxer," Salem said with a gulp. "That's Jett, the bloodthirsty twin! Of course Xelda wouldn't know the difference. She must unknowingly be doing his bidding. I've got to save her--and get that ambrosia for myself as well." He paused. "But how?" He thought for a few seconds, then came up with an idea, stealthily inching through the high grass, closer and closer to the cave entrance...

* * *

Xelda floated down, carefully clutching the magical material, and retraced her steps. There was a bit of a problem on the way back, when she confronted the gap again and found the ambrosia would not shrink with her. Consequently, she had to conjure up a knife, divide the ambrosia into little pieces and place it in a small bag before she could maneuver through.

"I see light," she said, resuming full size heading to the entrance. A few seconds later, she made her way out into the daylight, where the man she thought was Joxer was waiting.

"Here it is, Joxer," she said, and just as she was ready to hand him the ambrosia, Salem pounced out from the bushes and lunged at them.

"Xelly, noooooo," the cat screamed.

"Who are you, cat, and why are you talking?" Jett said in a decidingly non-Joxerish voice. Instantly, Xelda realized something was amiss as she snatched the bag of ambrosia from the air.

"You're not Joxer!" she yelled. That was confirmed when Hilda and another Joxer rushed into the area.

"Jett!" Joxer exclaimed in surprise.

Resisting the urge to break into a Paul McCartney impression by adding "with the wind in your hair in a thousand laces," Hilda simply asked "What?"

"It's Jett," Joxer explained, "my bloodthirsty twin brother."

"Does everybody here have an evil twin?" Hilda said.

"It only seems that way," Joxer answered, not seeing his twin lunge from behind and knock him to the ground.

Jett had expected to take down his brother easily, then proceed with his nefarious scheme. Much to his surprise, Joxer rose to his feet and answered with a powerful blow to Jett's midsection. Catching his breath, Jett gasped, "You're tougher than I remember, brother. All that time you spend around Xena, something must've rubbed off." As he charged Joxer once more, he grinned, "This could actually be a challenge!"

As the brothers began brawling, Hilda and Salem rushed to Xelda's side to avoid getting caught in the fraternal quarrel.

"Look at them go at it," Hilda said with a mix of admiration and apprehension.

It soon became apparent that the magically-enhanced Joxer was at last a perfect match (in terms of fighting ability, not demeanor) for his brother. Perhaps too perfect. As blow after blow was blocked or countered, it appeared that the fight could go on for hours without either side gaining the upper hand.

"I really should help, but I don't know who's who," Xelda said.

"I can help," Hilda said with a smile. "May the good one's true colors shine through and through, now Joxer the Mighty's a hero true blue." She pointed at the fighting twins, and Joxer instantly turned a shade of bright azure.

Startled by his brother's bizarre transformation, Jett let his guard down long enough for Joxer to land a solid right cross. Shaking off his surprise, Jett put Joxer's pigmentation completely out of his mind and concentrated his full attention to the battle at hand. The stalemate continued.

"Don't worry, sis," Hilda said. "Once the fight is won, he'll lose his smurfiness."

"Very good," Xelda said. "Now I'll join in. Meanwhile, you take the ambrosia and Salem back to the village, and keep it away from him. Run!" She pointed at the cat, surrounding him with a wooden cage, then tossed the bag of ambrosia to Hilda. She stuffed the bag downward into her pocket, picked up the caged Salem and rushed away while Xelda drew into the circle of the brothers' brawl.

* * *

Harvey left the high school grounds at about 1:30, not minding the walk across town. It was a pleasant, if windy, spring day, and Sabrina's house was along the route. Which reminded him--he needed to borrow an old history book of hers so he could do some last-minute studying for a test Friday. Perhaps one of her aunts would know where it was.

Between classes, Sabrina headed to the girls' room, entered a stall and popped herself home for a minute. If she was going to watch Xee at the track meet, she was going to need a jacket...

She got the jacket, hurried to the kitchen for a cookie, then was ready to pop herself back when she heard a knock on the rear door. It was Harvey.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"Had to drive over for a few minutes. Don't tell the office."

"I was hoping to see one of your aunts--that is, I expected one of them would be here instead of you."

Sabrina smiled. "I know what you mean. I, uh, believe they went to a seminar on Greek mythology. With the newcomers in the house, Hilda's been asking what's a Grecian urn. I told her only a few drachmas a day, unless there was major inflation."

Harvey could have sworn he heard a rimshot in the background, but that was probably his imagination. He then turned about 90 degrees, where a small animal caught his eye. A really small animal.

Sabrina saw Argo too, and gulped.

"Wow, Sabrina, I've heard about those miniature ponies, but I never believed they were this small," he said, bending down to further examine the tiny white horse. Argo kept her distance from the giant stranger, who came no closer.

"This is a new ultra-miniature breed some UMass geneticists are working on," Sabrina hurriedly answered. "They're being bred specifically for life inside a house. They think it can provide new revenue to the equine industry." That's thinking on your feet, she thought.

"And you and your aunts are helping out with the research. How neat."

"Yep."

"Anyway, Sabrina, I came here to see if I could borrow that history book you used last semester."

She nodded. "Of course...let me go upstairs and find it." Once she went upstairs, she looked out her window toward the high school, pointed, and froze motion there--30 seconds before the next period was to begin. "That will give me enough time to get the book, give it to Harvey, then pop myself back to school," she said.

Sabrina did just that, popped herself to school and unfroze action. She arrived in her seat, with jacket, some five seconds before class began. "Pulled this out of my locker," she said, pointing to the jacket.

* * *

"I was just thinking," Salem said from his cage as Hilda hurriedly rushed through the woods.

"That's when you begin to cause trouble," she replied.

"You know the difference between you and your sister? When Dexter's Laboratory comes on TV, she roots for Dexter and you for Dee Dee."

"If it hadn't been for you and your TV, we wouldn't be here in the first place," she said ruefully. "But on the other hand, I would never have met Joxie. Whomever thought comic relief could be so much fun?"

Aw, come on, the cat thought as the rhythmic rattle in his cage lulled him into a semi-conscious state, especially after going sleepless the night before.

Hilda continued running for about 10 minutes, then remembered she was a witch. So she popped herself to the edge of town and walked into the village square. She placed Salem's cage on the ground, then began coughing.

"Fortunately, I have those lozenges," she said as she reached into her pocket, pulled one out and raised it toward her mouth as Salem arose from his sleepy state and looked up at her.

"Nooooo," he cried as Hilda put what she thought was a lozenge to her lips, but it was too late. She let it flip around her tongue for a few seconds before dissolving. Strange flavor, she thought. What did I conjure up? Honey licorice? Horehound?

* * *

Xelda stood clear for a few seconds, studying the battle between the truly blue Joxer and the evil twin Jett. She briefly contemplated using magic to decide the outcome, but then realized that wouldn't be fun, and she loved having these new warrior powers. Of course, she thought, that's it!

While both had their backs turned to her, she flung the chakram, aiming for the rock standing out on the side of the mountain. She then cried, "Hey, Joxer!" which forced him to turn in her direction--and for Jett to attack him from behind. But just as he was going to assault his twin, the chakram hit him in the back, and he tumbled to the ground.

Xelda turned a double flip, did her "yi-yi-yi-yi-yi" warrior cheer, and landed on top of Jett. She instantaneously tied his hands together, then turned 180 degrees and did likewise with his feet, rendering him unable to move. Then she picked him up, lifted him above her head and tossed him to the side of the mountain, near the entrance to the cave.

"Wait--there's more," she said with a smile. She lifted a nearby boulder that looked to be at least her weight and gently placed it in his lap. "That should keep you there," she said. "Serves you right for deceiving me!"

Xelda then turned to Joxer. "Let's go catch up with Hilda," she said.

"Ah, Hilda," Joxer said, and with that his blueness faded into normal skin tones.

Xelda thought about zapping them back to the village, but realized Hilda would be upset if they arrived there before she did. So they began running along the path, though she noted Joxer was still periodically clumsy...

* * *

Hilda sat down on a rock and began rubbing her stomach. "I feel queasy, weird," she told Salem. "Why?"

"I'll tell you, Hildy," the cat replied. "You just consumed ambrosia."

"What?" she said with a startle, then slapped her forehead. "Darn it! Hey, Salem, you watch this show. What will happen to me now?"

"Well, if you were dead, you'd come back to life, and if you were a mortal, you would gain godlike powers." He paused. "But you're a witch, and no witch I know of has ever taken ambrosia--or been in a pseudo-mythical world, either. We're in uncharted waters."

"Great," she sarcastically answered. Then she looked at her arms, which were beginning to produce an amber glow. "Salem--what now?"

"You're beginning to feel one of the side effects," the cat said. "Either that, or you're mutating into a milk bottle." At least the ambrosia didn't give her madman eyes, he thought.

"It's getting stronger! It's spreading down to my legs now."

At the other end of the village square, the maitre d' from the Chinese restaurant spotted the increasingly-glowing Hilda and waved to her. She matter-of-factly waved back, then glumly dropped her head into her hands to escape the incessant glow. "What have I done?" she mumbled. She remained like that for about a minute until she heard a rich male voice.

"I think you're beautiful," he said, and Hilda peered up and saw a handsome young man smile at her.

"Gee, thanks," she answered with a resigned sigh. Then she heard another male voice and turned to see a second good-looking guy.

"You are incredibly gorgeous," he told her. "Unlike any woman I've ever seen."

That's for sure, she cynically thought. Within a few seconds, another man came by to offer praise to her beauty...and another...and another. Two minutes later, Hilda was surrounded by about 10 handsome males, all complimenting her. Several dropped to their knees in supplication.

She pulled the cat's cage closer to her. "I think I'm onto something, Salem," she said, developing a sudden smile. "I believe this stuff is making me irresistible to men!"

Then it's just as well there isn't any ambrosia left for me, he thought.

Hilda got up, and the group of men--now slightly more than a dozen--followed in her direction. "Excuse me, Salem," she said. "I--er, we--need some privacy for a few minutes," and led the ever-growing throng to an area behind a nearby temple.

More and more the crowd of handsome males increased, drawn like a magnet to this blonde with the incredible amber glow. By the time she reached the rear of the temple, she estimated there were at least 51 gorgeous single men drooling over her. I should hold a contest among them, she thought as the men offered kisses and praise. Hooray for ambrosia! Nothing against Joxer, but a little competition for a woman never hurt any man.

From the top of the temple, another blonde, this one clad in a sheer pink nightgown, suddenly materialized and surveyed the scene. "Who is this hussy?" Aphrodite angrily asked herself in a valley girl inflection. "And how did she develop this power over men, power that by Mount Olympus is exclusively mine? I had better investigate."

With that, the goddess of love dematerialized...

DISCLAIMER: No blue people, rock formations or amber substances were harmed during the making of this chapter, and neither was the music of Roger Whittaker. Callisto was supplied with an antihistamine immediately after her scene ended.
TO BE CONTINUED…


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