~ Xelda: Warrior Princess? Or, Xena At Westbridge High ~
by Erich

Disclaimer: Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Aunt Hilda, Aunt Zelda and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series "Sabrina, the Teenage Witch," together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of ABC, Archie Comics and Viacom. Xena, Gabrielle, Argo and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series "Xena: Warrior Princess," together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of Universal Studios. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fan fiction. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.

Note: Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Aunt Hilda, Aunt Zelda and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series "Sabrina, the Teenage Witch," together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of ABC, Archie Comics and Viacom. Xena, Gabrielle, Argo and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series "Xena: Warrior Princess," together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of Universal Studios. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fan fiction. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.

DESSCRIBE1@aol.com

Part 6

Chapter Eight

Harvey Kinkle took a break from his co-op work at the auto repair shop when Libby Chessler drove in, the top down on her shiny red convertible. "Impressive car," he said, standing up and putting down his root beer.

"Are you surprised by that?" she replied with a grin as she got out. "Time for her first oil change, Harvey--and the honor is all yours."

"Well, thanks," he said, carefully lifting the hood. "You'll never guess what I saw today."

"What?" Libby answered, half-heartedly trying to feign enthusiasm. Probably something about Sabrina, she thought. That blonde has him wrapped around her finger.

"I dropped by Sabrina's house--"

"Why did I guess she'd figure into this?" the head cheerleader interjected.

"Actually, it was just to get a textbook," Harvey said, peering under the hood. "Don't take these things so personally. Anyway, it turns out she and her aunts are helping the University of Massachusetts livestock department."

"I could say something about them grazing," Libby said caustically, "but I'll be a lady, and won't."

"No, here's what happened," Harvey replied as he pulled out the dipstick. "They have a horse in the house, but it's a very small one. A few inches high, less than a foot long, but otherwise perfectly proportioned. Really incredible."

"Yeah, right, the freak now has a freak horse, too."

Harvey put the dipstick back, then pulled it out again. "You have to believe me," he said, examining the dipstick. "Hmmm...you're a little bit low but you don't need a change just yet."

"I appreciate your honesty in not trying to sell me something I don't yet need," Libby replied.

"I'm honest about lots of things; you should know that by now. And one of those things is that miniature horse in the Spellmans' house."

"Whatever you say," Libby said.

* * *

Xelda, with Joxer in tow, rushed back into the village, hoping to find Hilda. Instead, all she found was the Chinese restauranteur. "Have you seen my sister Hilda?" she asked.

"Oh yes," he replied. "She's glowing!"

Hearing that from the Asian man, Xelda shuddered. Hilda must have tried some of that ambrosia and inadvertently turned herself into a giant. Then again, she had always said her favorite cheesy movie was "Attack Of The 50-Foot Woman," although Xelda couldn't recall whether she preferred the Allison Hayes or Daryl Hannah version.

Just when Xelda was steadying herself for the image of a colossal Hilda stomping through the pseudo-Greek countryside, there she emerged from behind a temple--thankfully normal-sized, but casting a bizarre amber glow with several dozen men walking dutifully behind her.

"Oh, I get it now," Xelda said to herself. "Glowing, not growing." She felt embarrassed to be so politically insensitive.

Then Xelda heard her sister sing...

"I know what boys like, I know what guys want," the younger sister sang, shaking her hips all the while. "I know what boys like--boys like--boys like me." She smiled. "Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah...nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah..." Typical of sis, botching the lyrics, Xelda thought as she left the Asian man and strolled toward Hilda.

Joxer didn't join her; he stood there, transfixed and in some ways dejected. He suddenly felt inadequate, unworthy of Hilda's affection, and sat down to sulk.

As she moved closer to her sister, Xelda felt something against her leg. It was Salem, who grinned up at her. "So, what do you think about being the sister of a goddess, or whatever a witch turns into after she consumes ambrosia?"

"How could she? Is she that insecure about her romantic life?"

"Not the case, Xelly. Take my word for it--this was strictly accidental."

Hilda saw her sister drawing nearer and waved. "Look at me--a man magnet!" she said, beaming through her entourage. "Sis, you can have your smile, your brains, your legs. Right now, I have more sex appeal than anyone!"

Suddenly, a vision in pink materialized in between the Spellman sisters. "Anyone, sweetie? Don't be so sure!" she said with a sneer and a smile.

"It's Aphrodite!" someone yelled.

"The goddess of love?" Xelda asked Salem.

"The very one," the cat replied, "though her Xenaverse self is more a Valley Girl with godlike powers."

"So you're Aphrodite, eh?" Hilda said. "The goddess of love. Boy, the things I did on your behalf all those years. But as you can see, now I can take care of myself in that department."

"I do not like being usurped by a cheap blonde," Aphrodite answered. "And honey, you define cheap."

"Well, at least I have real clothes on, not undies and a transparent nightie!" Hilda retorted.

"And my flesh doesn't glow!"

Salem smiled at Xelda. "This could get rather interesting."

She grinned. "Well, you know all about catfights."

* * *

Sabrina sat down in the third row of the stadium bleachers, next to Gabrielle, who was jotting down notes. Down on the field, Xena, in a green sweatsuit, was limbering up and going through her paces.

"She looks determined," Sabrina told Gabrielle.

"Doesn't surprise me," the bard replied. "Even when we're catching fish, it's important for her to catch the most fish and the biggest one."

Coach Willard Kraft, in a gray sweatsuit and clutching a clipboard, blew his whistle. "Okay girls, over here," he said, summoning the team to the rim of the track. Sabrina noted that Xena was half a head taller and far sturdier than any of her teammates, even those competing in the field events.

"If we work to the best of our abilities," Kraft said, "we'll win this meet today and send the rest of the state a message for those postseason meets. Now, I want to introduce you to the newest member of our team, Xena." She smiled. "I hear she's quite an athlete, and I think she's going to help us out. Since I don't know what your best events are, I'll name a few. The 100-meter dash?"

Xena nodded.

"The 200?"

Another nod.

"The shotput?" Nod. "Discus?" Nod. "High jump?" Nod.

A distance runner quipped, "I think she thinks she can compete in everything."

"Maybe I can," Xena answered matter-of-factly.

"Well then, try the 1,500 meters."

"Fine with me."

Kraft was incredulous. Field events, sprints and distance? Well, perhaps she needs to find out what her strengths are. "Okay, Xena, we'll put you in the 1,500 meters," he said. "That's six events, enough for anyone. No more. Remember, this is a team."

Xena nodded, sat down, and removed her sweatpants to reveal green shorts and well-toned athletic legs--the same legs she had planned to seduce Mr. Kraft with that morning, Sabrina recalled.

The meet began, and Xena breezed to victory in the 200-meter dash, eclipsing the field by five lengths. She then strolled over to the auxiliary field and broke the school girls' discus record by three feet.

"And she's not even trying," Gabrielle told Sabrina. "I told her it wasn't a good idea to make yourself too obvious."

So it continued...Xena pacing herself in the 1,500 meters, then winning by pulling away in the final lap...Xena easily triumphant in the shotput...Xena putting away all comers in the 100-meter dash...Xena easily clearing 6 feet, 1 inch in the high jump.

As the first-place finishes continued, Kraft became incredulous. "I have stumbled onto the greatest female athlete of modern times," he said to himself. "And to think I almost suspended her this morning."

Despite Xena's heroics, the meet was a toss-up entering the final event, the 1,600-meter relay. Kraft called the four members to his side and strongly suggested one of them drop out. None of them did. Then he looked at Alexis Purcell, the scheduled anchor runner in the race.

"Mrs. DiRosa mentioned to me in the faculty lounge today that she caught you chewing gum in algebra class yesterday," he told her. "Normally I like to give athletes at Westbridge the benefit of the doubt, but I'm prepared to withhold such a benefit from you if you do not let your new teammate Xena run the anchor leg of the relay."

Alexis shut her eyes in frustration and nodded that the coach could go ahead and substitute for her.

After three laps, Westbridge was down by half a lap, and few expected the Scallions to bounce back. But Xena turned on the figurative jets, whittling the gap by two-thirds over half a lap. If she was fatigued, she certainly didn't show it.

"Keep it up, Xena!" the coach said. And that she did--a final burst of energy enabled her to roar past her rival, crossing the finish line.

From the stands, Sabrina high-fived Gabrielle. "Not bad," she remarked with sarcastic understatement.

"I don't believe what I just saw," Kraft said as the team mobbed Xena. "Her courage will change Westbridge High School."

"Okay, Gabby, go down to the field and get some quotes," Sabrina said. "See you at home."

DISCLAIMER: No Asian speech inflections were intentionally made fun of in this episode, which is dedicated to the memory of Patti Donahue and her group, the Waitresses.

TO BE CONTINUED…


The Athenaeum's Scroll Archive