Part 3

Chapter Eleven

"So this is it," Jenny whispers in my ear. "This is your chance to shine."

"Shut up," I gently push her away from me. "You're going to make me more nervous than I already am and I'm going to forget how to play."

"You're nervous?" Rebecca asks from behind Jenny. "I don't understand why. You've got this thing."

"Yeah," Kendra adds. "Next week we go to the state championships. Everyone here knows that's mostly because of you."

"You've made us a better team," Jenny says with a smile. "So if you could take us on, you can definitely woo a couple of college recruits."

"Just don't trip when you lead us out to the court," La Tasha calls from the back.

The announcer comes on and the lights in the gym flicker off. He begins introducing the visiting team and my interest in what he says quickly fades. I take a look out at the bleachers from the hallway we're waiting in. It looks like we have a full house tonight. I guess word finally got out that the Las Vegas High School Lady Wildcats is a much better team than the boys' basketball team.

The lights start flashing overhead and I guess that means it's our turn to be introduced. Some music starts up and the home crowd starts cheering. I take another look at the bleachers kind of expecting someone from my family to be up there, but I know no one is. Catherine and Sara had to work tonight and I talked Nancy and Lindsey out of coming. They're not really my family anyway.

"Start running," Jenny pushes me out into the view of the crowd. "They're calling our names. That's your signal to lead us to the court."

I stumble out onto the court, but manage not to fall down. I've really got to get my focus back. This is an important game for me, because those recruits are here and I can't risk looking like a complete idiot. It'd be good if I start out by looking a little competent.

We're introduced and the game starts with us quickly taking the lead. The other team seems good, but they're not good enough to beat us. We're the best team in the region; I'm hoping that we're the best team in the state. We may even be able to make it to nationals and that would be really cool.

The visiting team is starting to look frustrated. That means that the game is almost over. I've noticed that if you break another team's spirits then you've got them beat.

Jenny passes me the ball and I go up for a quick jump shot. I feel my defender push me in mid-air and it takes my attention away from my shot. Everything goes into slow motion and I realize that the push I just got has thrown me off balance.

When I land it's with my full weight going onto the side of my left foot. My leg buckles and I fall to the wooden floor. All the noises of the crowd quickly fade away from me and I think I can only hear the sound of my own screaming.

I roll up into a sitting position and take a look at my foot. It's not twisted in any weird angle or something, but it hurts. It hurts a lot. I drop back down to the floor and cover my eyes with my forearm. I don't think I've ever been in so much pain in my life, and I've been injured plenty of times before.

A little voice inside my head is yelling at me to get up, but I shut it up real quickly. There's no way I'm going to be able to put any weight on my foot. It just hurts way too much.

I feel a couple of hands grabbing at me and hear the voice of our trainer, Bethany, asking me if I'm okay. I laugh at the question. I'm seriously not okay. I hear Coach giving orders out to my fellow teammates telling them to give me some breathing room.

"Do you think you can stand up?" Bethany asks me.

I uncover my eyes and look directly at her. "No."

"Okay," she nods her head and puts her arm around my waist. She does her best to lift me from the floor, but she's only five and a half feet tall. I'm a little too heavy for her.

Within moments there's another body by my side helping me off the floor. I look at the person supporting most of my weight and almost fall down again when I realize it's Sara. She's not supposed to be here right now.

Sara's eyes meet mine. "You're going to be okay," she says.

There are a thousand things I could say right at this moment. There's also a lot I've got to think about here, because I don't know what to think about Sara being here. I wonder if Catherine is hanging out somewhere too. "I thought you were working."

"It was your last home game."

Something big is happening here, I think, and it probably doesn't have much to do with my left foot. My left arm slips from Bethany's shoulder and I fall off balance and am forced to put down my left foot to gain it again.

This time I think I could actually pass out from the pain. I hear Sara call out my name and Bethany apologizing. I quickly realize that it would be much better if I just passed out, it would probably hurt less. So I stop fighting to stay awake and let the pain carry me off into another dimension where pain isn't in my vocabulary.

***

I wake up in a hospital room and don't feel a lot of pain. As soon as I open my eyes I see Catherine and Sara standing above me. They're just standing there looking at me. It's kind of weird.

It takes a few seconds for my eyes to focus and I don't think my head is going to clear up anytime soon. They must have given me something for the pain. I wonder if they know all my drug allergies, even though I don't have any drug allergies.

"Wha..." I try to speak but my voice isn't working. I'm honestly not even sure if I'm actually awake. This could all be just one big dream. I could be dreaming about a hospital bed with me in it. There are a lot of possibilities here.

"She's waking up," I hear Catherine say. This could still be a dream, though. This whole deal about me getting hurt in the final home game could be a storyline made up by some person who decided to dictate my life and dreams.

When all this ends, I'm sure I'll find that I'm just having an anxiety dream about playing in the game I still haven't played. I'm just nervous about the recruits being there and this is the way my mind has chosen to deal with it.

Sara moves so that she's directly within my line of sight. "Hey."

I think she's talking to me and since this is a dream I can say whatever it is I want to say to her. "What?" That's the best I can say at the moment. My voice isn't working and I don't think my brain is in full control right now.

Catherine reaches out and puts her hand on my shoulder. "You're in the hospital. You passed out and you were brought here in an ambulance. You did wake up for a little while before they gave you the pain medication."

I don't remember waking up. I'm not even sure I'm awake now. "The game?"

"Your team won. Your coach and your entire team are waiting out in the waiting room for you."

Well, I guess this could be actually happening. Granted, I can't really feel my foot at the moment but the entire thing could have happened, and if my foot is as bad as I thought it was before I passed out then that means my season is over.

That's a very depressing thought. Another thought that comes to mind is, 'what is Catherine doing here?' How long was I knocked out for exactly?

"We're still waiting for your results," Sara says softly.

"Results?"

"About your foot," Sara's hand is gripping the side of my hospital bed rather tightly. Her knuckles have gone white. Is she angry about something?

"It broken?" It certainly felt broken before.

"We're not sure." Catherine's hand squeezes my shoulder.

"If it's broken then I can't play in the finals." I have a feeling that even if it isn't broken I won't be playing in the state championships anyway. I'm smart enough to realize when I'm hurt too much to continue.

"Let's just see what happens," Catherine says. I think she's trying to be helpful, but she's not being so successful at the moment. I can see the answer to everything in her blue eyes.

It doesn't take long for the doctor to come into the room and she stands on the other side of me. She gives me a weak smile and I see bad news in my future.

"Your foot isn't broken," she says, "but it looks like you've partially torn a tendon in your foot called the Inferior Extensor Retinaculum. You might have even done some damage to the muscle that is behind that tendon." The doctor moves to the end of the bed and lifts the sheet that's covering me and puts her finger gently on my foot. "The tendon is y-shaped and it runs across your foot. It helps to keep some of your other tendons in place."

"And that means," I ask. This sounds like it could be serious.

"Well it means that it probably would have been easier on you, Melinda, if you had broken your foot. You're going to have to get a MRI and see if you need surgery."

"Surgery?" I don't know how we manage it, but Catherine, Sara and I ask all at the same time.

"It's a remote possibility, but still a possibility. Most likely you'll just end up having to stay off your foot for a month and go through some physical therapy."

"That means no state championship." I certainly have had my streak of bad luck this year.

"I'm sorry." The doctor actually looks sorry too. "You're probably not going to be able to play in a basketball game for a while."

Yep. I've certainly had some bad luck this year. "I didn't even finish the last game of the season. I couldn't even do that. My mother even came and I couldn't manage to finish." Whoa, did I just say mother? I'm going to have to remember that I'm on pain medication and think a lot harder about what I say. My brain is choosing some real whacked out words right now. My mother, the mother I knew, is dead.

"Melinda, I think your mother is a lot more concerned with your health than whether or not you finished your basketball game." The doctor looks quickly over at Sara and Catherine but her eyes settle on mine. "Your mother seems really proud of you. I don't think you getting hurt will make her think any less of you."

"I am proud of you," Sara says brokenly. She opens her mouth and I think she wants to say more, but she doesn't.

"We're both really proud of you." Catherine gives me a gentle smile and I swear these pain meds are doing some weird things to me because I start crying. I don't cry. I certainly don't cry over some words two people I hardly even know say.

"I'll leave you all alone and go order the MRI." The doctor leaves the room and I'm left in here with Catherine and Sara and I'm crying, no matter how much I want to stop.

Sara lowers the bed rail that she's been holding onto for dear life and sits down on the bed next to me. Hesitantly she reaches out and actually gathers me in her arms. "I know how much this meant to you Mel, and I'm really sorry."

Her words and actions just make me cry all the harder. I reach up and grab onto one of the arms she's got around me. I'm not quite sure if I'm trying to push her away from me or pull her closer.

Chapter Twelve

It took all night for us to get out of the hospital, but at least I don't have to get surgery. The muscle is fine; it's just the tendon that got screwed up. If I could get my hands on that girl who pushed me, well I probably wouldn't do anything to her but I would think about it. Injuries happen to be a part of the game and pushing people around happens to be a part of it too.

I guess that's one of the risks that we athletes take. It's a risk that I took and now I can't play in the state championships. I'm stuck on crutches for the next four weeks and have to go through some physical therapy.

It could always be worse. Then again, it could always be better.

"You're starting to depress me," A pillow hits me in the back of the head.

"I'm not even talking." I pick the pillow up and turn around so that I'm facing Jenny. We're both sitting on my bed with our books open doing our best to be good students and study.

"You look depressed." Jenny closes her book and puts it down on the floor. "You're pouting. You're always pouting. You even pout in your sleep."

"How would you know?"

Jenny gives me a level look that I'm unable to hold. I turn away and release a heavy sigh. I have been pouting a lot lately, but I can't help it. My foot is killing me and I can't play in the state championships. That's reason enough for me to pout. Add onto all that, everything else that is happening and I think I deserve to pout at least a little bit.

"Mel," Jenny moves so that she is next to me on the bed. "What happened to you really sucks. The team's unhappy about it, Coach is unhappy about it, I'm unhappy about it, you're unhappy about it, we're all just really unhappy about it. But it did happen and now we just have to move on. You still got offered some mega money from both Stanford and Tennessee. You've got your ride into college. There's always next season."

"But I want to play in this season." I know that I'm being whiny but at this point I don't really care.

"Mel, you did play in this season. You played a whole lot in this season and, no matter what, you're going with us to the state championships even if you can't play."

So I get a free ride to the capitol of Nevada. I don't even know what the capitol of Nevada is.

"And Mel, I know this might sound completely unfair but the team needs you to be strong. Everyone is devastated that you can't play. We need you sitting there with us at the championships believing that we can win instead of moping because you can't play."

"Is this a version of your 'suck it up for the team' pep talk?"

Jenny bites her lower lip. "Have you gotten the talk already?"

I grin. "No. Although, I've gotten a lot of the 'I know how much this meant to you and let's just take this a day at a time' speeches."

"Well it sounds like your..."

"Just say Sara," Jenny is one of the only people I've told about my situation with Sara. It's not something I find very easy to talk about. I don't quite understand my situation anyway, so there's no way I could stand up in the middle of a room and tell my sordid tale. There would be one too many gaps.

"Well it sounds like Sara is being really supportive."

I shrug. "I guess, but it's really awkward."

Jenny tilts her head to the side a little. "Why?"

"I think it's because she doesn't know how to be supportive and I don't know how to accept her support."

"Why can't you accept her support?"

If I knew that then I probably wouldn't be having this problem. "It's weird."

"You know what I think?" Jenny puts her hand on her chest. "I think that you don't trust her."

"And I think I've got way too many people already trying to psycho- analyze me." I turn away from her and to the book I'm supposed to be studying, but I guess Jenny doesn't want this conversation to be over because she reaches across me and grabs my book.

"If you want to gain an inch in your relationship with your..." She gets hung up on a specific title again and I take this as my opportunity to stop whatever lecture it is she's about to give me.

"Jenny, until you have lived my life please don't judge it."

"I'm not judging you," she says softly. "That's last thing I'm doing is judging you, but I do care about you."

I cross my arms in front of me. "And that means?"

"It means that you're only hurting yourself with your attitude."

"I don't have to listen to this." I swing my legs over the bed and cringe when blood rushes to my injured foot. I've got to remember to take things slowly.

Jenny puts her hand on my arm, effectively stopping me from getting up and hobbling over to my crutches so that I can hop out of the room. "Mel, please don't be so stubborn."

Stubborn? I'm not being stubborn. I'm being the person who doesn't want to talk about their innermost feelings every ten seconds. I'm being the person who is tired of the guarded looks people give me because they're not quite sure if I'm going to spontaneously combust or something.

"Mel, you've got to stop running away every time someone brings up something you don't want to talk about. Have you ever thought that maybe Sara has such a hard time talking to you because you always run away when she tries to?"

I try not to think as much as possible. I find that ultimately it's what's best. Every time I start thinking about things I either get really depressed or really angry. "Leave it alone, Jenny." I sound defeated, but that's probably because I am.

As carefully as I can manage, I pull myself from Jenny's grip. She's strong and tries to hold onto me, but I break free although it's with entirely too much force. I jump up into the air and try to gain my balance by pivoting on my right foot. I know that if I put my left foot down then I'll be in incredible pain.

Ultimately, I can't keep my balance and decide it's best for me to fall. I land on my back, so my injured foot didn't have to bear any weight. Jenny's face appears above me and I can tell she's moments away from bursting with laughter. "If you laugh at me, I'm going to beat you with my crutch."

"It may be a good thing you got hurt." Jenny jumps off the bed and moves so that she's straddling my torso. "You can't run away anymore. Everyone who wants to talk to you can just sit on top of you and make you listen and talk to them."

I make a rather lame attempt to get Jenny off of me, but fail miserably. I can't over power her since I can't brace both my feet on the ground, and there's no way I'm risking further injury to my foot. It hurts bad enough as it is.

"So, Jenny, did you want to talk about something?" I give her my fakest smile. This really does not amuse me.

Before she can answer, my bedroom door opens. I can't see who it is but I certainly recognize the voice. "Am I interrupting something?" Catherine sounds amused. I'm glad I can amuse everyone so much now.

"Get her off me." I say each word very carefully so that Catherine understands that this is not good times.

I hear Catherine's shoes making their way towards me until they stop right next to my head. Catherine bends down and puts herself right into my limited view. "Why is she on top of you?"

"To make her talk and listen and not run away," Jenny announces proudly. "I just discovered the best way to get Melinda's attention."

"Is it working?" Catherine needs to be less interested in this subject and more interested in getting Jenny off of me.

Jenny shrugs. "I'm not sure yet. I haven't asked her to talk about anything."

"Then don't let me interfere." Catherine sits down next to my head and it doesn't seem like she's taking my side here.

"This isn't funny," I try to push Jenny away with my arms and do little to move her. She's got her legs planted at my sides and her hands are pushing down my shoulders. I give up my shoving and drop my head down to the floor. "Can we at least make a deal?"

Jenny raises a brow. "What kind of a deal?"

"I'll answer two questions then you let me up so that I can throw you out of this apartment and tell you to never return."

Jenny pretends like she's thinking about my offer, but I know she'll accept. It may seem like she's having fun, but I know that she won't torture me with this. There's no way she could be that mean.

"Fine." Jenny releases my shoulders and sits up. "I ask you a question and Catherine asks you the other. I get to go first."

"Do it." There's no way she's going to be able to ask a question that I won't be able to wrangle out of answering.

Jenny rubs her chin and it seems like she's in deep thought. She's not going to come up with anything good, I bet. Her face turns very serious all the sudden and she looks directly at me. Her eyes are holding mine, and suddenly my confidence has completely disappeared. "When you look in the mirror, what is it that you see?"

"Get off me." I don't know what's happening to me, but I'm starting to feel a little dizzy. My heart's pounding and I could swear I'm getting short of breath. I know that I'm way too young and too healthy to be having a heart attack.

Jenny shakes her head. "Not before you answer the question."

"I'll answer the question," my voice is actually shaking. "Just get off of me."

Jenny looks over to Catherine. Catherine looks at me and tells Jenny to get off me. As soon as I'm free from Jenny I sit up and back away from them both. My back hits the desk in the room. I concentrate on my breathing, hoping that it will calm down and I won't pass out.

The room is spinning and I'm doing my best to focus. Catherine and Jenny are across from me and look kind of concerned. I see Catherine speaking to me, but I don't hear what she's saying.

I actually think I could be dying here.

Okay, I just need to focus. I need to get myself back together so that I can answer Jenny's question and yell at her for being such a bitch. Her idea was obviously a very bad one.

Catherine reaches out for me and I slap her arm away from me. I can't be touched right now. I can't handle that right now.

I'm stronger than this. I know that I'm stronger than this. I've lived through a lot worse than someone asking me a direct question. This is something that can't beat me. Nothing can beat me. My parents can't even beat me anymore.

That's it. I just have to calm down. I have to control myself.

I take a very shaky deep breath and slowly release it. I take a few swallows and focus on the two people in front of me. "I'm sorry." Why am I apologizing? I didn't do anything wrong.

"Don't apologize." Catherine reaches out for me again but I still shy away from her touch.

"I'm sorry." I have nothing to be sorry for. "I don't know what happened." I finally went crazy and completely lost it. I'm becoming more and more like the mother who raised me.

"Sweetie, I think you just had a panic attack." I can see in Catherine's eyes that she wants to reach out to me again. I'm glad she doesn't act on the urge. I wouldn't let her touch me.

"Yeah well whatever it was it sucked." I think the temperature in the room has just dropped about fifteen degrees. I'm getting really cold, and if I could just get my head together for longer than a few seconds then I could figure everything out. "I think I need to leave."

I feel like I'm suffocating in here. "Melinda, that's probably not a good idea."

What does Catherine know? There's no possible way that she could know. "No. I need to leave." I grab hold of the desk and use it to help me stand up. I get to my crutches and make my way to the door. Catherine steps into my path while Jenny looks nervously on.

"Melinda, I can't let you go anywhere alone right now."

I can't look at Catherine right now. Looking at her is making me angry. Being around other people right now is making me angry. "Please let me go." I plead. "Please."

I can feel Catherine's eyes roaming over my body. I can feel them judging me and measuring me up to see if I'm worthy. I can feel them rake over me gauging exactly how screwed up I actually am.

"I'm sorry," Catherine takes a step closer to me, "I can't."

My body starts to shake again, but it's not from another panic attack. My hands are gripping at my crutches with all my strength. If I keep it up I might even be able to bend the metal.

"I don't want to hurt you." When I was a young girl, the woman who raised me would punish me by placing me in a corner, but it wasn't like normal time-outs. She'd make me go to a corner and she'd slap at me with a belt. One time, I forgot to be scared of her and I got angry. I grabbed hold of that belt and pulled it right out of her hands and hit her back. I cut open her cheek.

The cut bled and I was happy that I caused her pain. I was happy that it was finally her turn to bleed.

She ended up breaking my arm that day, we told the doctors at the hospital I slipped on the wet floors of the house. I was clumsy. I was stupid.

Catherine looked at my hands. The grip I had on those crutches had turned my knuckles white. I think Catherine has just realized how serious I really am. She looks afraid of me.

After I attacked her, the woman who raised me was afraid too. I was fifteen when she stopped hitting me. Sure, I had to deal with a broken arm but I certainly did win that little war in the end. I finally showed that woman that she couldn't physically hurt me anymore. She'd just have to settle with slowly killing my soul.

"Melinda you don't have to hurt anyone." Catherine's a brave woman because she takes another step towards me.

When I look in the mirror what is it that I see? That's what Jenny wanted to know, right? She wants a little piece of the puzzle of me so that she can better figure me out. If she had gone to my old high school she would have seen me differently there. People always wanted to fight me. They wanted to find my imperfections and thought they could do so with their fists.

I didn't mind the jealousy. I didn't mind that they thought I had a superior attitude, it just meant that they wanted to hurt me all the more. I could shut up anyone who said anything about me real quick with a single punch.

"What's going on?" So, my mother has decided to join the party. I guess crime in Vegas has gone way down, because it doesn't seem like these two have to work at all anymore.

"I'm leaving." I'm not speaking to anyone directly.

I push past Catherine, then Jenny, then Sara. I make my way quickly out of the apartment. I'm able to make it out of the building without anyone running after me. Maybe Catherine finally caught on to what I was saying.

Plus, it's not like I can go that far from the building. I've got a bum foot and I'm on crutches. It doesn't look like running to the nearest wherever is really an option at the moment, and it's not like I have anywhere to go.

There are a couple of benches over near the pool at the center of the complex. That's where I make my way to. I sit down and look over at the tarp covered pool. It's winter so the pool's not exactly in use. There are leaves and other gunk on the tarp. It doesn't look that pretty.

When the cold fades, though, they'll come out here and remove the tarp. They'll clean up the pool and the water will be a perfect blue. Everything that made its home in it for the winter will die away. The tarp will be put away and this part of the complex will probably be booming with life.

For now, I'm the only one here, and when the summer comes I probably won't be here to see it. Sara and I still plan on moving, but we've got to do it when I can lift more than nothing. I think Catherine wants us to move in with her, but I don't think I'm ready for that.

Anyway, after today Catherine probably doesn't want me around Lindsey. Kids can get on people's nerves and if she gets me too angry then who knows what I'll do. I don't know if I could ever hit a child, but I never thought that I'd go after the woman who raised me either.

She did try to hit me again, right after everything happened. She thought that since she broke my arm she taught me my lesson. It was when I came home late one day from practice. A friend dropped me off and when she saw that it was a guy, she went completely insane. She started ranting and raving about not hanging out with guys because they're evil. She started saying all these weird things about having sex and not taking care of another kid.

Her raving makes complete sense now, but at the time I couldn't keep up. In the middle of the rant, she stopped talking and looked at me. I think me standing there just made her angry, because the next thing I know she's coming after me with a knife.

I was bigger than her, I was stronger than her and I wasn't going to let her hurt me. So I took her weapon of choice away from her. I ripped it right out of her hands and put it to her throat. I told her if she ever thought of raising a hand to me again then I'd kill her.

My threat frightened her, and this time she didn't try and break my arm. She didn't try and do anything. She stood there in front of me looking weak and pathetic. She stood there looking afraid.

"I thought you might come here," I thought it would be Catherine coming after me, not Sara.

"If I had the means, I'd be half way to Tennessee by now." I scoot down the bench giving Sara room to sit down.

Sara takes the seat. "Is that where you want to go?"

"I want to go away from the memories." We may not know each other very well, but I know she understands what I'm talking about.

"No place is far enough away for you to accomplish that."

She would know. "Did she tell you I was going to hit her?"

"She said something like that." I'm not looking at her, but I can tell by the tone of her voice that she doesn't much like the fact I threatened her girlfriend.

"I would have hit her if she didn't let me go." I'm being honest. I would have hit her. I wouldn't have thought twice about it.

"I know."

"So you gonna throw me out now?" I threatened someone she cares for. That's bound to have some major consequences.

"No. Never."

I decide to be a little brave and chance looking up at Sara. She doesn't look angry to me, but doesn't look happy either. "So what are you going to do?"

Sara sighs. "I don't know. Tell me why you were so angry?"

Everyone wants to ask me questions today. "Jenny asked me what I see when I look in the mirror and I freaked out."

"Why did you freak out?" Sara's being a lot calmer than I thought she would be. I expected fireworks. I always get fireworks.

"Because when I look in the mirror I see the scars. I see all the scars. And when I look at my eyes I see her laughing at me."

"Jesus Mel," Sara releases another heavy sigh. "What did she do to you?"

I don't think Sara really wants to know. I don't even want to know. It'd be great if I could forget everything.

Chapter Thirteen

When we get back into the apartment, Catherine and Jenny are gone. I guess it's one of the times where it's best for Sara and me to be alone. Everyone wants to give us space to talk, but the big joke is on them. Sara and I are less likely to talk unless someone else is pushing us to have a conversation. I'm not sure either of us is capable of starting up a conversation on our own.

"So, it seems like you get really angry." Maybe I was wrong. It seems like Sara is ready to talk.

"And I don't even know who I'm angry at."

"What do you mean?"

"She beat me and I hate her for that. I didn't defend myself until almost the very end; I hate myself for that. You left me there and I kinda hate you for that. I hate that I can't forget and I hate that it even happened." We've been standing this entire time, and I don't think I can stand anymore. This is a little too heavy for me. I slowly make my way to the couch and take a seat. "I don't know who I should be yelling at. I don't know if it's God, if it's you, if it's her, if it's fate or if it's me."

"You don't have to hate or yell at anyone."

So I just told Sara that I hate her and all she has to say is that I don't have to hate or yell at anyone? That's what she has to say? That's a load of crap. "Are you saying that you're not angry about anything?" Because if she is saying that than she's lying.

She looks at me and I can tell that she hasn't let go of her anger. It's written clear across her face. She's just as angry as I am. Sara lived through the same abuse I did; I know she did. There's no way she could be in the same house as Laura Sidle and not been given a few love taps. Since Laura was younger with Sara, Sara probably got it worse than I did. By the time I came along Laura seemed pretty worn out.

"I am angry," Sara says slowly, "but I'm not threatening to hit anyone."

"She chased me around with a knife once." Sara's body stiffens and she looks away from me. "If I had made an easier target she probably would have stabbed me. I was able to take the knife from her, and I told her I'd kill her if she came after me again. I meant it."

"Did she ever..."

"No." I shake my head. "She was afraid of me, and that's when I became like her."

"Mel, you're nothing like her." Sara is still standing and not too close to me either. She's sure to keep her distance.

"I'm everything like her, and so are you." I hate it when they always show how people overcome their torrent pasts on those stupid after-school specials. They always say that the person is different than their parent or abuser or whatever, but that's a lie. Stuff like that isn't as easy as 'you're nothing like them'.

We are all exactly like them, because we are what they make us to be. Even if we don't act the same, we are the same. Usually we get the lowered self-esteem, anger, inability to cope with stressful situations, have problems interacting with people-- I read the pamphlets they hand out-- and then they say we're nothing like our abusers.

They say a big fat lie so that people like me can feel better about themselves. They forget to mention that our abusers had all the same traits and just handed them to us through a painful rite of passage. The only thing that can separate us from them is whether or not we choose to 'continue the cycle' as they say, but all the marks are still there. In that way, we will never be different than our oppressors because more than likely they have the exact same marks.

"I'm nothing like her."

Sara certainly does look angry now. I guess I just have to hit the right spot to get her anger to show, and from what I see her anger isn't that far from the surface. "If you think about it hard enough, you'll realize I'm right."

She's standing above me, staring down into my eyes and she's angry. She looks like her mother, she looks like me. "The best we can do, Sara, is make sure that our children don't have the same marks we do. We have to let them become nothing like us."

"You are my child."

I shrug. "Then maybe you can try to get it right on your second try." I don't think there's a lot of time left for Sara to make that much of a difference with me. I don't want to be Laura Sidle, and I really don't want Sara to be either, but I don't know how to change things now.

Sara plops down n the couch next to me. "You said you hate me."

So she did hear that. "I said that I kinda hate you, and I do." She looks like I just punched her in the stomach. I honestly wonder why. This can't be news to her. I've never told her I love her. I haven't told her I like her. I haven't shared with her that being around her confuses me, because she makes me angry just by being but at the same time I want her acceptance, and I want her to tell me I belong. "But hate is a transient thing, right?"

"We can hope it is for us."

Now hope is one of those words that I have close to no belief in. I hoped too often when I was younger for better days and only got worse ones. Then again, I hoped that the people who raised me would die and that did happen, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

"If it isn't then we've only got two more years with each other left." I haven't forgotten that. It stays at the forefront of my mind, and right now it's the only think that I have to hold onto.

"Melinda," Sara puts her hand on my thigh. "I want you to be a part of my life for a lot longer than just two years."

"Oh." Well I don't think I was ready to hear that.

"Melinda, I want us all to be family."

"Oh." I should really find a more detailed response to this, but I don't have one. Every adult I've known has given me flowery words, but not many ever pulled through for me. I've learned over time that I can only count on myself, trust in myself, and listen to myself.

"So?"

"So what?" Does Sara actually want a more detailed response?

"What do you think about us trying to be a family?" Sara's hand still hasn't left my thigh and I think I'm feeling another panic attack coming. Maybe I do have problems with being asked direct questions.

I take a couple of breaths to calm myself. "Who's all part of us?" Of course I know what she means, but asking a question is better than answering one any day.

"You, me, Catherine, and Lindsey."

"Shouldn't we try starting off smaller?" Sara and I couldn't even be called family now. If we add Catherine and Lindsey to the mix I could only predict disaster. Didn't I just tell Sara not that long ago that I threatened to hit Catherine?

"Mel, I think we need all the support we can get."

For some reason, I don't think living with Catherine is going to be best for me. That just means Catherine will be around a lot more and so will Lindsey. "How long have you and Catherine been together?"

I can see that the question throws Sara off. I've never asked about their relationship before. I never really thought to ask, but right now it seems kind of important. It seems like it's time for me to know exactly how much their plans for life have been thrown off since I've arrived. What if Sara had already been living with Catherine and only kept the apartment because her lease hadn't been up yet? What if she didn't stay here that often except when they fought?

"A little over a year."

"Did you have plans to move in with her before I came?"

"Yes." At least she's being honest.

"So your lives got put on hold because of me?"

"No. It changed; it didn't stop."

This is one of those times when I think I'm going to have to try and be mature. I don't think Sara would force me to move in with Catherine and the kid. I don't think she'd do that at all. So I have to decide if I hate Sara enough to want to put off her happiness with Catherine.

"Can I take some time and think about this?" I wonder how patient Sara is.

"We'll talk when you're ready."

I nod. "So you really love them?"

"Yes." There is no hesitation in her answer. I think I almost wanted there to be one.

"Lindsey's like a daughter to you?" There's no point in me asking about this. It doesn't matter.

"Yes." Sara doesn't elaborate and maybe that's a good thing.

I get up from the couch and put my crutches in place. This conversation thing has been going on a little too long for me. "It's time for me to take the pain meds." They'll put me right to sleep and I won't have to think about any of this.

Sara stands from the couch as well and gets within my personal space. "Lindsey being like a daughter to me doesn't mean… it doesn't mean that… I… don't think…"

"It doesn't matter." I had to interrupt her before she hurts herself.

"No Mel," Again Sara reaches out to me and puts her hand on my shoulder. "It does matter. Lindsey doesn't replace you."

"Oh." I'm not ready to hear any of this. "When you look at me you still see your rapist, right?"

Sara's hand immediately drops from my shoulder. "I'm beginning to see you."

Her fancy words can't change reality. "I'm going to go take my pain meds." With as much dignity as I can muster, I hobble off to my room and close the door softly behind me.

Distance seems like a good idea at this point. There have definitely been too many emotions floating around me. I need time to think. I need time to figure out how I'm going to talk to Catherine about all this.

Chapter Fourteen

"Mel, I really don't think this is a good idea." Jenny pulls her car into an available parking space in front of the Las Vegas Crime Labs, voicing her opinion for what seems like the thousandth time.

"Jenny this is a great idea. It's the only way I can talk to Catherine without Sara knowing what I'm doing." I open the car door and swing my legs to the pavement.

"Don't they have dead bodies in there?"

"It's not like they have them lying around in the hallways." I grab the top of the door frame so that I can get some leverage while exiting the car.

"This seems like a bad idea." Jenny's hands are still wrapped around the steering wheel and it doesn't look like she's going to be letting go anytime soon.

I shake my head and lift myself out of the car. "Then pick me up in half an hour, and make sure that you get here before Sara's shift starts."

"What if she comes in early?"

I shut the passenger side door and open the passenger's side back door so that I can pull out my crutches from the backseat. "Then she'll catch me."

"I'm going in with you," Jenny releases her death grip on the steering wheel. "Catherine may have you thrown out of her office."

"No she won't." I get my crutches settled under my arms and shut the car door. "She's not like that."

Jenny gets out of the car and straightens out her shirt. She looks like she's getting ready to walk into a battle zone or something. We're just going to walk into a crime lab so that we can talk to an employee. It's not really that big of a deal. I've watched enough television to know what I'm doing.

I straighten my own clothes out and hope that Catherine won't be offended with my attire. I haven't worn jeans since I got hurt. Mostly I just wear athletic pants with t-shirts now. I've got a wide variety of both Nike and Adidas clothes.

"Let's go." I start hopping towards the front door of the building knowing that Jenny will follow me.

When I get to the door, a man holds open the door for me and asks if he can help me. I give him a quick once over and decide that he's moderately harmless. "I'm here to see Catherine Willows."

"Is she expecting you?" Not exactly, but I'm sure she expects me to talk to her eventually.

"She should be." It's not exactly a lie.

"I can go get her for you," He kindly offers. "What's your name?"

Suddenly I'm very curious about something. "Do you work with her?"

He nods. "My name's Warrick Brown."

This guy has no idea who I am. I guess that means that as much as Catherine and Sara care they're not bragging about me to their co-workers. "I'm Melinda Si…" The last name would surely give me away. "My name's Melinda." I point to Jenny who has finally caught up with me and is standing awkwardly at my side. She's looking way too nervous. "And this is my friend Jenny. Ms. Willows should be expecting us."

"I'll go get her for you," He smiles widely at us both and starts walking away down some hallway that is probably forbidden to non-employees.

"He's cute," Jenny says as we watch him walk away.

"And he didn't know who I was." It seems like something worth mentioning.

"How do you know?"

"I didn't see any recognition in his face when I said my name."

"Maybe he didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable?"

No. He didn't know me. It's not like he needs to know about me or anything, but shouldn't parents talk about their kids to their co-workers or something? I bet he knows about Lindsey.

It doesn't take long for me to see Catherine walking towards Jenny and me. She looks surprised to see me. I thought she would be.

"Mel," the first thing she does is hug me. It's an awkward hug, especially with the crutches and our height difference, but Catherine does it any way. "What is it you need?"

I wasn't exactly expecting this kind of greeting, but I can work with this. "I just wanted to talk to you."

Catherine takes a look around and I get the feeling that she's busy. "Okay," she rests her hand on my wrist. "We can go talk in my office." She starts leading the way and I start following. Jenny tells me she's going to wait for me out here and walks to the nearest seat.

Catherine leads me through a maze of hallways until we reach what I'm guessing is her office. She walks inside, I hobble, and she takes a seat in front of the desk and motions for me to sit next to her. I put my crutches up against the desk then sit down next to her.

We look at each other and I know I'm supposed to be the one that starts off this conversation. I had a reason why I was coming here. It seemed like a good one at the time.

"So did your team not have practice today?"

Even though I've been put on the injured list, I still attend all the practices. I help the coach yell at them when they aren't performing to our high standards. The championships are less than a week away, and I've only recently found out that they aren't taking place in the capitol. They're actually happening right here in Vegas at someplace called the Orleans Arena, I think. "It was a short practice." I told Coach that I had a doctor's appointment.

Catherine nods. "So what is it you wanted to talk about?"

I look down at my lap and start wringing my hands together. I've got to gather up some of my courage here. "I'm sorry I threatened to hit you. That was way wrong of me."

"You're right, it was." So I guess she's not going to let this go at all. I wonder what she said to Sara about it. I wonder which one of them was trying to be on my side. If I had to lay a bet down then I would guess that neither one of them really felt like being in my corner. I can't expect someone else to defend me when I'm not so sure I can defend myself.

"It's lame I know, but that's the way I was raised. It's who I was taught to be." Saying that aloud makes it sound even lamer.

"I know."

"And I know I've got anger issues and I'm going to work on that, because I don't want to hit you or anyone really. At least, I don't want to hit them anymore." I've said too much with that.

"You've hit people before?" I knew Catherine wouldn't let that one slide by without notice.

I nod. "In my last high school people would come after me. It's no big deal."

"What do you mean people would come after you?" She's going to make a big deal of this.

I shrug. "Other students would try and fight me. They were just stupid."

"Why did they want to fight you?"

"Different reasons," I shrug again. "Some of them didn't like that I was smart and thought I cheated on tests and stuff. Some thought I took 'performance enhancing' drugs or whatever. Mostly they just came after me because I was set apart from them in some way or another."

"Does Sara know this?"

If I could stand up and start walking around, I would. Instead I have to settle for crossing my arms in front of me. "Why do you always ask that?"

Catherine starts reaching out for my thigh but takes a look at my eyes and stops her motion. There's a flicker of something in her eyes, but I can't quite identify what it is. "Because it's important, Mel. It's important for Sara to know these things about you."

I start tapping my good foot on the floor. "What does it matter?"

"This is going to sound bad, Mel, but we can't possibly start putting you back together if we don't understand how you fell apart."

So now I'm Humpty Dumpty? That's really brilliant. "Sara knows how I 'fell apart'." She lived through just about everything I did. "We were raised by the same people, in the same house, in the same neighborhood, in the same school, same state, same everything."

Catherine must forget whatever it is she saw in my eyes before because she reaches out for me and puts her hand on my bouncing thigh. "Some things are similar, but a lot of things are different."

"Instead of me confessing everything to Sara, why don't you talk her into confessing a few things to me?"

She pulls away from me and leans back in her chair. Her blue eyes look at me for a long moment then she releases a heavy sigh. "You have a point."

Of course I have a point, and it's a really good one. Catherine keeps on wanting to get me to talk, but it's not like they tell me a whole lot. They didn't even tell me abut their relationship, it's something that I had to figure out or more precisely something that was told to me by a thirteen year old.

I'm not stupid. I know there's a lot of stuff happening that they're not talking to me about. There's a lot stuff they're leaving me out of the loop with. Like for instance, what happened to Lindsey's father? No one talks about that, and I can tell there's some big story about that. Lindsey told me he died, but I didn't push her to say anything else. It wasn't that kind of conversation anyway. The kid was looking to me for guidance on how to handle it, and boy has she chosen the wrong role model.

None of that is my point though. My point is that sharing is a two way street. They've got to work with me here. I'm tired of being treated like Humpty Dumpty. I can't possibly be the only person in this little triangle thing we've got going on that needs help.

"I'll talk to," Catherine starts to say but interrupts herself; "you should talk to her."

Well that was certainly an inevitable outcome.

"So Sara talked to me about us all moving in together like, family or something." It's an extreme change of subject, but it doesn't even throw Catherine off guard. The woman's good.

"I would like that."

"You're not afraid for Lindsey?" I would be. I actually already am. Kids shouldn't be exposed to the kind of drama that's going to play out in my life with Sara. I plan on completely losing it at least a couple more times. I see it as pretty much inevitable.

"Melinda, I'm not afraid of you, I'm afraid for you." There's no hesitation in her reply, but I still don't understand what she's trying to say. I didn't ask her if she was afraid of me I asked her if she was afraid for Lindsey. I think she just dodged my question.

"So you are afraid for Lindsey?"

Catherine's body stiffens, but she quickly relaxes. She looks like she's going to try and lie to me. I can just tell. She looks like she's going to try and spare me this horrible pain of knowing the truth.

I wonder if Catherine knows that a closed fists and lies hurt a lot more than the truth does. Sara laying the bomb on me about her being my mother was the truth and I don't think that fazed me as much as realizing the big lie she had created about my existence. I was actually kind of happy to find out that Laura Sidle really wasn't my mother. It kind of gives me the power to yell at her that she's not my mother when my memories surface and her voice is screaming in the back of my head that I'm just like her.

"Fear's natural Catherine," I don't want to hear a lie. "I have enough battle scars to realize that."

"It's not you." She looks ashamed, but she shouldn't be. I understand her fear. I never know when I'm going to get so angry that I'm capable of violence. It would be kind of a scary thing if I wanted to think about it.

But, Catherine saying that it's not me is really stupid. It is me. It's not some garden gnome out to conquer the world or anything. It's me, Melinda Sidle, blood relative to her one and only Sara Sidle.

"The possible consequences of having you around Lindsey have occurred to me, but I honestly do believe that you won't hurt my daughter." I almost believe her and she probably almost believes herself, but we've both seen my anger and we both know I can't make any promises.

I reach out for my crutches and use my good leg to lift me from the chair. It's time for me to go now; I've said what I needed to. Catherine stands up and does that thing that always catches me off guard; she hugs me.

The hug is as awkward as the first one, but it did feel kind of good. Maybe it's something that I could get used to. "I'm glad you came to talk to me today, Mel. It means a lot to me that you're trying."

Trying? Is that what I'm doing? "You deserved an apology." It's not really that big of a deal. I can admit when I'm wrong... sometimes.

Catherine nods, but otherwise stays silent. She knows when not to push me too far out of my comfort zone and that's a good thing. It's unique too.

I take a single hop away from her and focus on the floor. Looking at her can make me uncomfortable sometimes. "Keep safe and uh... catch all the bad people." Totally lame.

She's amused or something because she grins. "Thanks."

I nod a couple of times. "So I'm going to leave now." I hobble towards the door and hop out of the office.

Somehow I figure out the way to the front of the building, and when I make it to the front desk, Jenny is sitting in a chair waiting for me and next to her Sara just happens to be sitting too. They both stand up when they see me approach, but neither says anything. That makes me wonder what they were talking about. It probably had something to do with me.

"Hey." Starting off with a non-hostile or defensive greeting seems like a good idea.

"Hi." They both respond.

I focus my attention on Sara. "You came into work early."

"There were some things I wanted to start on early." Sara shifts her stance. "You lied to your coach."

I shrug. "Apologizing to Catherine seemed more important than practice."

"That's good."

This conversation is going nowhere fast.

"Sara!" A guy calls from behind me. I turn around and am faced with a twenty something year old man who looks like a geek, possibly a cool geek but still a geek.

Sara says something under her breath, but I can't quite catch it. It didn't have a good tone though.

"Sara," he's standing right next to me now, "I've got those samples ready."

"I'll be right there." Sara doesn't sound too welcoming at the moment. She even looks a little uncomfortable. I guess she's not a big fan of those take your daughter to work days.

"Hey, you're the one that wanted me to tell you the...instant..." The geek loses his focus apparently, because now he's staring up at me. "Who's the Amazon?"

I raise my brow. "Someone is certainly lacking the social skills."

He blushes and looks away from me. "Sorry."

"Greg, this is my..." Sara pauses and looks directly at me. I know what she's going to say and it honestly hurts a little… or a lot. "This is my sister Melinda."

Greg points to me with his thumb. "This is your sister?"

I force a smile on my face. "I'm the one and only." I offer him my hand to shake.

He smiles back at me and takes my offered hand. "It's nice to finally meet you. We've been trying to get Sara to show you off ever since we found out about you, but she says you're always busy."

My hand falls out of his and goes back on my crutch. "Yeah, Sara's and my schedule always seem to be out of sync." It's time for me to go now. "One day maybe we can line things up."

I move away from him and chance looking at Sara. She looks like she wants to say something, but whatever it is isn't going to get past her lips.

"I'll see you later sis," Sara flinches at my little barb and I'm glad she does.

Jenny moves in front of me so that she can open the door, making it easy for me to make a smooth exit. I want Sara remembering this moment as the moment when she decided to refuse to introduce me as her daughter. I don't want this moment to be remembered as the one where I was fumbling with the door and trip on my way out.

When we get to Jenny's car she opens the door for me and takes my crutches to put them in the backseat. Quickly she makes her way over to the driver's side door and gets into the car. She starts up the engine but doesn't put the car in reverse.

"So that kind of sucked for you, huh?"

I blink rapidly a couple of times and look out the window. "I was hoping, but I wasn't expecting."

"Yeah, but she's human, Mel. She probably doesn't want to advertise to everyone that she was raped, and that's something that's bound to come up when you do."

I turn away from the window and look directly into Jenny's eyes. "That doesn't make me feel better."

Jenny offers me a weak apology, but ultimately she's right. When a baby appears people kind of expect there to be a father hanging out somewhere. It's almost sort of like a requirement. Unfortunately for me, babies really don't come from storks.

I was wrong before, the truth hurts as much as a lie and as much as a fist. "Are you afraid of me, Jenny?"

The change in subject catches her off guard and she gives me a funny look, but shakes her head. "No. Never."

"I think I inspire fear in a lot of people."

"Mel," Jenny puts her hand on mine, "you inspire a lot of things in me, but fear isn't one of them."

"What do I inspire in you?" I really want to know who I am when people look at me. I really want to know why my mother denies me.

Jenny squeezes my hand. "Melinda you're a very intelligent, funny, insightful, soulful, wonderful person."

So she didn't quite tell me what I inspire in her, but ego brushing is good too. "You forgot to add that I'm dark, tortured, sad, and an angry person." I'm just filling in the blanks.

"Yeah," Jenny smiles. "You are that too."

I smile genuinely at Jenny and give her hand a slight squeeze. "Thanks."

Chapter Fifteen

I'm in bed when Sara gets home from work but not asleep. I've been up for quite some time now, and I probably should get out of bed and start getting ready for school. Jenny's going to be here pretty soon to pick me up.

Maybe I should have tried to be out of here before Sara got off work. I don't like getting up early, but I'm not deathly opposed to it either. If I had left early then I wouldn't be faced with the prospect of getting up and facing the woman I'm sharing residence with.

There's a knock on my door and I don't have to guess at who it is. "Come in."

The door opens slowly and Sara steps into the room. "I thought you'd be up by now. You usually are."

"I felt like being lazy." The bed is warm and comfy and the morning air is cold.

Sara walks over to my bed and sits down on the end. It looks like she's going to try and have a conversation with me. "I'm sorry for what happened earlier." It almost looked like it hurt her to apologize. "I wasn't ready for... no one knows that..."

"I'm not stupid," I interrupt her. If she goes on at this pace I'm never going to get to school. "I know you haven't told any of your work buddies about me and I know why. You don't have to explain yourself."

"Okay." Sara nods. "But it's not about you, it's about me."

It's really funny how everything about me really isn't about me. It's a near miracle actually. One could develop some kind of complex using this logic.

"Sara I get it, really." I sit up in the bed and throw the covers off of me exposing myself to the cool air. "I'm a walking advertisement to your past." Saying it that way seems a lot less harsh to my ears instead of being an advertisement to her being raped.

"I'm sorry Melinda," she whispers. "I want to be stronger."

I move to the end of my bed so that Sara and I are sitting close together. "This is going to sound mean, but I thought about all this a real long time and, Sara, I can't accept your apology."

Sara closes her eyes. "I didn't think you would."

"It's not because..." I sigh. "Ultimately I just think that I can't forgive you until you accept me as your daughter despite the circumstances. Every time you deny me you remind me my life was created through violence. You remind me that my father is scum and my existence is somehow... just wrong."

Sara opens her mouth to say something but I put up my hand to stop her. "I know that's not what you mean to do, but it is what you're doing and I really want to feel worth more than how you've unintentionally helped me feel for my entire life."

When Jenny and I got back to the apartment yesterday we ordered out Chinese food and sat around for a long time. We didn't talk or anything, but I was thinking a lot more than I usually try to. I had to figure out why Sara was able to hurt me so much.

It was never a mystery to either of us that I'm angry with her. I'm angry with her for all kinds of different reasons, but a big reason is because she makes me feel kind of worthless. I feel like I'm her hidden little dark secret that isn't worthy of the light.

Once I figured this out, I mentioned it to Jenny and she told me that I needed to talk to Sara. At first, I completely brushed off the idea because that would mean I would have to have a mature conversation with Sara where I express myself openly and admit to Sara having an affect on me.

Then, though, I realized that I'd continue hating and being angry at Sara if I continued to act like this particular thing didn't matter to me when it did. I'd continue to build up my anger and not let her know how worthless I feel next to her.

I'm not sure if Sara really needs to know about everything that happened to me when I was living with my grandparents, but she does need to know this. She needs to know this so that she can see me better, because I want this thing to work out between us. I do eventually want to be part of a family.

"I also think it would be a good idea if we moved in with Catherine." Sara opens her eyes and stares disbelievingly at me. "She acts as a good buffer between us and I don't feel worthless around her." I take a deep breath and release it slowly. "I'm not too sure how good I'll be with Lindsey, but I'll do my best to keep things capped until she's not around."

There's a knock at the front door, which means Jenny is here to pick me up. "I've got to get ready for school, but we can talk later and hash everything out." I get up off the bed and hobble over to my dresser and pull out some clothes. "Will you open the door for Jenny?"

Sara nods and stands up. She looks a little shocked and confused. I guess she wasn't expecting me to be forthcoming and mature, but obviously it can happen. I'm capable of doing conversations like this and acting open and honest. It may take me an entire night to resolve to do it and absolutely no sleep, but it can happen.

Sara walks out of the room and shuts the door behind her. I change from my pajamas to the clothes I've picked out as quickly as possible. My foot doesn't hurt as much today, but that may just be because I've got so many other things going on in my world. My brain doesn't have the energy to pay to my injured foot.

It takes me fifteen minutes to get ready fully. When I walk out of the bathroom Jenny and Sara are sitting silently together on the couch. They both look uncomfortable but they've never acted like best buddies. I wouldn't know what they would say to each other.

"You ready?" Jenny stands up. "We're going to be late."

"Yeah," I move my crutches so that they're in a more comfortable position under my arms. "We can go now; my bag is at the door." I didn't look at a single textbook last night. Usually I focus a lot on my studies. I always have, it always just seemed so much easier to deal with than everything else. So not doing my homework is sort of a big deal. So trying to continue to pretend that Sara doesn't affect me is already starting to wear a little thin.

I move towards the door but stop in front of Sara. "You should call Catherine and cement a moving date and all. If we do it early enough, then I won't have to lift anything and can just direct." It's not the best joke in the world, and it doesn't even rate high as an icebreaker, but it was something to say.

"I'll do that." Sara stands up she looks like she wants to make some kind of contact with me, but she's holding herself back. I think Sara holds herself back a lot.

"Good… I'm not going to have to share a room with Lindsey, right?"

Sara grins. "You get your own room."

Sara may not have the courage to do what she wants, and normally I wouldn't either but today is a new day and I'm feeling a lot unlike myself. With this conversation sort of behind me and feeling pretty good, I do what I think Sara wants and reach out and hug her.

It's not a strong hug and it's not all warm and comforting, but I think it's a step somewhere just like this entire morning has been thus far. This is me moving somewhere except backwards or sideways. This is me deciding to start meeting someone else halfway.

When I release Sara from my tentative and incredibly uncomfortable embrace she tells me to have a good day at school and I'm out the door. The entire way to Jenny's car, she's looking at me probably expecting me to tell her everything that has happened since the last time I saw her, which wasn't that long ago.

I don't say anything. It's not because I don't want to, but it's that I don't think it would be appropriate right now. Some things that happen between Sara and me should stay between us. I'll probably tell Jenny the story some day, but today isn't going to be it. I'd like to have Sara's take on things before I start calling this morning a complete success or anything.

"So I'm sorry I'm making us so late," I tell Jenny once we're on our way to the high school. "I could have probably planned things better, but my courage was dying quickly."

"It's no problem. Sometimes there are things that are more important than school." She gives me a sly look. "You may not have fully learned that yet, though."

"Hey!" I play to be offended. "I do more than study."

"Mel face it, your life consists of school, basketball, and your mama drama."

"Yeah, but with all that I'm working overtime." Jenny and I have never joked around before about my situation with Sara. This is the first time Jenny has even tried to do it. Today I must be letting off some kind of different vibe or something.

"That's true," Jenny sighs. "You're so busy with that I think you miss out on…" she sighs again but doesn't seem like she's going to finish her sentence.

"Miss out on what?" I prompt. I want to hear what it is I'm missing out on here.

There're a few moments of silence but Jenny eventually decides to answer me. "You're missing out on being a teenager."

"I don't know," I grin. "Aren't the teenage years supposed to seem like the most traumatic and dramatic of all time? Because I think I've got that covered."

Jenny shakes her head. "Your entire life has been traumatic and dramatic. You should get a chance at like, dating and stuff."

I chuckle. "Dating and stuff? I'm too messed up to be relationship material."

"You should give yourself more credit."

"Hey, I may be a pretty face but I'm not `girlfriend' worthy."

"Don't say that about yourself." Jenny snaps surprising me a little. "You're worth a lot more than you think."

We pull up to the school parking lot and Jenny takes one of the few spaces left in the very back of the lot. "Jenny," something has certainly gotten into me today because I would never normally do this but hey today's a new day and tomorrow I can go back to being me, "I need a friendship now more than I need an intimate relationship."

She's not stupid; she has to know what I'm saying even though I'm not outright saying it. She has to get this, because I don't know how to have an honest conversation about this. It's something I've cleverly avoided for my entire life thus far.

"What says you can't have one without the other?" She whispers. "The last time I checked they weren't mutually exclusive."

I turn in my seat so that I'm facing Jenny. "Okay, let's say that they're not because it really doesn't matter anyway. I'm putting myself out a lot emotionally right now and I don't know…"

Jenny leans over and puts her fingers over my lips. "I get it." She looks at me for what seems like forever then slowly pulls away from me her fingers trailing down my chin. "I still think you should try though."

Doesn't she know how much one thing can complicate a person's life? My life is way over complicated right now. I can't handle thinking about anything else. I just started to try and possibly work on another complication I've got going on. I can't do this. I really cannot do this. There's no way I can do this. "Space and time are really important to me," it's an absent sentence. It doesn't fit in to anything.

"I'm not threatening to take that away," she responds softly. "I don't have that kind of power."

How does she know that? Because if I were to be honest I could admit that she just might. I've never really had a friend like Jenny before, a friend who's just kind of normal. I don't like letting people get close and now I'm trying to do that with four people.

"You are a threat." I can see the person I thought I was shriveling up in front of me right now and fading away. It's not the most comforting feeling in the world.

"I'll take that as a compliment." She opens her door and steps out of the car. She's at least willing to end this conversation for now, and that's a good thing. I can't be pushed into things right now. I can't think about too much at once. I have to keep focused on one goal at a time. "Are you going to get out of the car?" Jenny bends down so that she can get a good look at my non-moving body.

Apparently the rambling in my brain has incapacitated the rest of me. "Sure. School is good."

It'll probably take years for me to top the morning I've just had and the morning isn't even over yet. I still have an entire day filled with interacting with people. Maybe I shouldn't enter the school. I may end up on stage doing a monologue about my life or something.

"Hurry up. First period is almost over." Jenny shuts her car door but doesn't start walking away.

I open my door and climb out of the car. I get the crutches from the back as well as my backpack and am ready to start learning, but all I can think about at this very moment is, `Try not to fuck your life completely in one day'.

To Be Continued…