Chapter 40
Anidan walked into conference room two, only to find the holodeck running with a program that Anidan had seen before. It was the Zamonan village program that Seven, B'Elanna, Katzi, and Pagsha had been running when Anidan had an idea one day that she wanted to discus. B'Elanna had said that they could, but because 'some' people actually did like their free time, the idea could only be discussed on the holodeck where the four women had been when Anidan had come by.
Anidan saw the person she was looking for a little further away, sitting on a bench in front of one of the huts. She was smelling a flower that Anidan assumed she had picked mere moments before, and Anidan could see a look of true wonder on the golden colored face. Anidan stepped closer and Si'zaG looked at her for a moment with a smile on her face before standing up.
"I'm sorry, I was curious about the holodeck so I decided to run the program Pagsha suggested. This is amazing! I... smells... I..." Si'zaG looked at the flower she was still holding before bringing all she wanted to say together in one word; "Wow."
Anidan was confused, to say the least. This woman was not acting as Anidan had expected; this definitely wasn't the mortal enemy the Borg had faced before.
"I gather from your reaction that you don't have holodeck technology?" Anidan asked as she stepped closer until they were about a meter apart.
Anidan noticed that Si'zaG was about a hand-width shorter than Anidan herself, and that her body looked delicate and slender with a rather narrow shoulder build. But Anidan also knew that looks were deceiving. She had read the reports. She knew that the maintainer class of the Siill all had similar bodies and that they had that particular body build because the narrow and slender build allowed for reaching difficult places and bending in, what would be for Anidan, very painful angles. But Anidan knew that this slender woman actually had the strength to rip her into two pieces; literally. And a hand strength so powerful that she could pulverize a Dilithium crystal by crushing it in her bare hand.
"No we don't," Si'zaG agreed, oblivious to Anidan' scrutiny. "And even if we did, what to recreate? We have none of this in fluidic space. We don't have trees, we don't have birds. This right here is the first flower I have ever held in my hands. I loved my life in fluidic space, but I can't wait to explore what else life will show me. This technology will be a great tool for us. I'm a maintainer, so living on a starship appeals to me. Even though I also love what I see around me here now. But the others... they can use the holodeck to see what they like, what kind of place they would like to live at. And then ask for placement there as an Individualist drone. It's so much faster than actually going to places and seeing how things are there."
"Seven told me that my department is going to be split in two, and that you'll be in charge of the second part," Anidan said, coming to the point. "She said that she would prefer if we two agreed on a task division instead of her doing the dividing. So here I am."
Si'zaG looked at Anidan thoughtfully for a moment before sitting back down on the bench and asking, "Why are you so uncomfortable?"
"You're a telepath, you should know," Anidan countered.
"Ah, is that the problem? Well, you don't have to worry; I switched that off."
"You switched that off? Just like that?"
"Well, switched it off might be a bad way of explaining it," Si'zaG admitted with a smile. "Let me put it this way, can you decide not to hear by covering your ears good enough? Can you decide not to speak by not opening your mouth? Can you decide not to see by not opening your eyes? It's just as easy for us to decide to not be telepathic by not opening up that sense. I regenerated and joined the Hive. From that I know that your species considers it extremely rude, even offensive, if a telepath enters their mind without permission. So, I switched it off."
Anidan looked at the sitting woman for a moment and felt herself being captivated by the lingering smile on those lips. Deciding to break the spell she felt herself under she sat down on the bench as well. "I... I don't like having to give up things," She admitted.
"Nor would I in your position," Si'zaG said in understanding. "But I have seen all the things that go through your department and I agree with Seven and the Hive that you are doing way too much. Let me help, Anidan. Why don't we go over a list of all the things that Engineering had to deal with until now and I will mark the things I would like to be placed in Maintenance, and what I think should stay with Engineering, and you do the same. That way we don't even have to discuss the things we agree upon and just go over the things we don't agree upon."
"Um, why, well, um, sure," Anidan heard herself say while her mind was filled with remembering how wonderful her name had sounded coming from those perfect lips.
"Great," Si'zaG said happily before she connected with the computer for a moment and two holographic PADDs appeared in her open hand.
She handed one to Anidan and said, "Here, I had the computer already put the list on both PADDs. Let's see on which things we can agree."
Anidan took the PADD with her mind still in a daze. She looked at how Si'zaG started to talk again and then she felt herself move.
"After that we hmpft," Si'zaG was momentarily surprised when Anidan suddenly kissed her. But after that moment of surprise she happily returned the kiss. She placed her hand behind Anidan's head and puller her closer, at the same time slipping her tongue into a welcoming mouth. It was Anidan's moan that finally pulled Si'zaG back to reality.
"Oh damn it all," Si'zaG said as she practically jumped off the bench. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that. Please forgive me; I didn't know it affected other species as well. If I had I would have warned you not to come that close."
"What are you talking about?" Anidan asked confused. "I'm the one that kissed you, I should be apologizing."
"Um, not really. Well, you did, but it's still my fault," Si'zaG said with a slight cringe, and Anidan was absolutely sure that it was the cutest cringe she had ever seen in her life.
"You see, it's really kinda, my fault. With us, when we reach the age where the Planner feels we need to find a partner, if we aren't already bonded with someone at that time, we start to radiate this field of... energy I guess you can call it. If someone else that also isn't bonded and also is of the right age comes physically close enough this field pulls them in. You just kissed me because you came close enough to me. It's because of my condition that you kissed me, not because you wanted it. You didn't mind, so your mind didn't object, but it really was me. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." And with that Si'zaG hurried out of the holodeck without giving Anidan a chance to reply.
~~~~~~~~~~{}~~~~~~~~~~
"Anidan?" Katzi asked surprised as she opened the door. "Can I help you with something?"
"I'm actually here for Pagsha; the computer said she was home."
"She is, come on in."
Anidan walked on into the living room where she saw Pagsha studying some PADD with a look of determined concentration on her face. "Did I come at a bad time?"
Katzi grinned. "No, I was just having a little fun with my Little One. That's a Zamonan puzzle she's trying to solve. I told her that if she did it within five minutes and without help from any implant she would get a reward. If she doesn't make it in time she would be punished. So now of course the really hard part for her is not if she can solve the puzzle; she can. But if she wants to do it in time and get the reward, or if she wants to fail and get my sweet punishment."
Pagsha didn't reply, but she did look up quickly and stuck out her tongue.
"Alright," Katzi said with a laugh. "Since we have a guest now, why don't you stop and later I give you the punishment as well as the reward."
Pagsha put down the PADD with a grin. "Deal." Then she stood up and joined Katzi and Anidan on the couch. "So, to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?"
"I kissed her," Anidan blurred.
"You kissed who?" Pagsha asked confused.
"Si'zaG, I kissed her."
Pagsha started laughing. "Goodness woman, I told you to give her a chance, not to ravish her."
"No, it was... look, I went in there with all this resentment for her taking away a part of my department, for her being a member of species 8472, for her being a telepath; basically for all kind of crap I could think up at that moment because I was pissed and wanted to let that out on someone. But in mere moments all of that ebbed away. It was as if I was under a spell. Well, after we kissed she told me that it was indeed pretty much a spell. She started talking about some bonding nonsense, an energy field, or stuff like that... and then she ran."
Pagsha nodded. "Ah, now I understand, and so would you if you had joined the Hive in the last two days."
Anidan merely glared at her.
"Well it's true," Pagsha insisted. "But since you didn't join the Hive, let me explain. When the members of the Siill reach a certain age they feel a drive to get a partner."
"She said something like that," Anidan pointed out. "She said something about something she called an energy field that she radiates. Something that 'pulls' people in if they come physically very close to her, and if they aren't already bonded."
"Well, I guess you could call it an energy field," Pagsha agreed. "Or a mental field, or maybe it's some kind of pheromones that are just as advanced as the rest of the Siill's body. Even they themselves don't know exactly what it is and just say that it's all part of the Planner's intentions. The point is, this 'field' is there until they are bonded with someone. After that it's gone for ever and they can't affect anyone anymore. At the same time they themselves are now immune to such fields."
"So in other words, once she found a partner it's safe for me to be around her?" Anidan surmised.
"Right," Pagsha agreed. "Or, you could be that partner if you want."
"What?! Are you insane?" Anidan asked in outrage. "I don't even know if I like her without that... stuff... going on. I might hate her guts. Plus the not so small fact that I actually prefer men. I mean, sure, I can appreciate the female form,"
"But you of course never fantasized, right?" Pagsha interrupted amused.
"Don't be silly, of course I have once or twice if there was the right trigger for the fantasy. The point is that for the rest, say 98% of the fantasies I have are about men. Plus I never have felt a sexual attraction for a woman, other than appreciating the female form. Look, I do appreciate the female form enough to be able to see why the two of you, or B'Elanna and Seven, or any of the other millions on this ship, would prefer a woman over a man. It's not that I don't understand the concept, or think that you are wrong for that matter. But it's simply that women aren't my thing."
"But the interesting part with the Siill is that is doesn't matter," Pagsha pointed out.
"What do you mean it doesn't matter? It might not matter to them if you mean that all of them are equal opportunity, so to speak. But it sure matters to me. I have never felt this kind of attraction to a woman before, and as I said, I don't even know if I like her even if I was into women."
"You will like her; you will love her madly," Pagsha assured. "That's one of the nice side effects of their bonding. The partners change mentally, and change their idea of what they want from a partner. That's why it doesn't matter that until now you preferred men. After the bonding you will only prefer her. You love being with her. You'll think that all of your relationship experiences until now were mere cheap imitation of the real thing that she's making you feel. She'll be the perfect partner for you, and you'll be the perfect partner for her. Mind you, the Sill's personality and mentality will change into what you need, not into what you think you need. So in your case, it would probably be that Si'zaG will stand up to you and not tolerate you trying to take on things that belong in her department. But at the same time she'll understand better than anybody else ever could why you feel you have to take on those things as well. She'll understand it, but she won't let you do it."
"But I might be actually hating her right now and not know it because of that... stuff," Anidan repeated.
"Does it matter?" Pagsha reasoned. "If you bond with her you'll change, and that change will be for life. Even if you would have hated her guts if you weren't bonded, you'll love her more than life itself if you are bonded. And the best part about that is that this bond ensures that you'll always adapt together to new situations, always be perfect for each other."
"I like who I am, I don't want to change," Anidan pointed out.
"It's not like your whole personality will change," Pagsha assured. "It's certain things. It's... well, you know how you don't want someone to second guess your ideas? Talk about them, sure. Discuss them, sure. But second guess the need or use of them, no. That won't change as such, but there will be one exception. If you do decide to go on with Si'zaG then you'll hate it if someone second guesses your ideas, but you'll love it if Si'zaG does it because suddenly it's alright and she's helping you focus on things that are really important."
Pagsha frowned before admitting, "Well, I don't know if it will really be like that, I'm just making that up to explain what I mean. The point is that you'll change in regards to her. You hate someone second guessing you, you'll love for her to challenge you. You like to spend a lot of time on your ideas, but you will think that she is totally right when she suggests that it's time to call it a day and leave the idea for the next day. Things like that."
"But it's not real. Maybe I'm destined to fall in love next week with someone I'll meet then; someone that doesn't have this 'field' around them to make me feel things I might not even be feeling."
"Maybe," Pagsha agreed. "And maybe I wasn't supposed to fall in love with Katzi here but with someone else. I'll never know, but I do know that I'm very happy now and wouldn't trade my Mate for anyone else in this universe. Life is full of maybes. Maybe you'll fall in love with someone next week, and then have a miserable relationship. Maybe you are supposed to never find someone and go through life alone. Maybe. But I can tell you for sure that if you return this interest you'll be happy with Si'zaG for as long as you two are both alive. That, is a fact. Because Si'zaG's physical nature will affect and change you both to where you two are the perfect match for each other. I can also tell you that you don't have too much time to think about this. Si'zaG is in that stage now and she will find a partner soon. If it's not you then it'll be someone else and you'll have missed this chance."
"But I don't know anything about her, about them," Anidan said frustrated. "Damn it, I don't even know if Si'zaG and I are sexually compatible. And don't you dare suggest that I would have known if I had joined the Hive."
"Well, you would have," Pagsha said never the less. "But since you are my friend and I don't want you to miss what could be the chance of your life, hold on for a moment."
Anidan waited as Pagsha connected to the Hive and in the meantime she looked at the tall woman that was sitting on the other side of Pagsha and was holding her lover in a secure embrace.
"What do you think?" Anidan suddenly asked.
Katzi shrugged at the question. "What do I think? I think that I had sex with over forty women in my life, but I only ever loved one. It doesn't compare. Until you find the person that makes you truly feel alive you only think you are alive. You may like your life now, but once you let someone in you'll realize how alone you were. Once I thought that life could not get better than having sex with so many different women, so many bodies to discover, so many different likes and dislikes. It was the best life ever... until I found that one woman that made me feel alive, that showed me that the sex before, that that was only existing. But now, now I'm living. I think that the real question you should be asking yourself is if you want to go on thinking that you have all you want, or if you want to take the opportunity and in doing so realize just how alone you have been."
"But if I realize that I have been alone that means that I would no longer be alone at that point," Anidan pointed out.
"True," Katzi agreed. "But there is a reason why many people prefer to only believe they have all they want and don't take the risk of letting someone in. If something ever happens to that person and you lose your partner, you'll feel it ten times as hard. Having said that, I hope I never will lose Pagsha here, but I would gladly suffer the pain of missing her every day over never having known her and how good it feels to be madly in love."
"Careful, my warrior, you might ruin your tough image," Pagsha said with a smile.
Katzi grinned. "Well, if I find that Anidan ever told anyone that I can do the mushy stuff, I'll knock all of her teeth out of her mouth."
"That's my warrior," Pagsha said with a shake of her head before turning back to Anidan. "As for you, oh yeah, you are compatible alright. I don't know what you prefer, but my guess is that you'll really, really, like how compatible you are. Especially because there's just enough difference to make it all the more interesting."
Anidan sighed at that. "But what about getting to know each other? What about going out, dating, actually falling in love?"
"I'll answer the love question in a moment," Pagsha assured. "But first about the other things. It's funny, I had pretty much the same questions when Katzi and I got together and we became Mates. She had some very valid points. The most important thing is that you like each other, the rest you can do later. Does it matter if you don't know her favorite food before you decide that you are in love? Can't you still go out and have a nice dinner after you decided to spend your life together? There's still time for that; years. But Si'zaG will only be for a very short time in this stage where she can, and will, bond to pretty much the first person that fits the requirements of not being bonded and being of the right age. You really don't have much time here; it might already be too late by tomorrow. As for the love question... You don't have to be in love with her now. You just have to like her. As soon as you two are bonded it is like a switch has been thrown and you'll love her. There's no other option. With the Siill, people that are bonded are absolutely and totally in love."
"This is so weird," Anidan said frustrated. "You are basically telling me that it doesn't matter if we are in love, and it doesn't matter if we even get along, I should simply use the opportunity that's opening up for me. As if she were a tool to be used to change my life."
"If she finds someone else tomorrow she'll be perfectly happy with that person. If you happen to act first she will be perfectly happy with you. So why not let it be you and have you be happy because of it?" Pagsha reasoned.
"It's really a shame that you don't join the Hive or else you could have asked some of the other Siill and you would have known how perfectly normal this is with them. If you ask them they'll say that it's how their Planner made them, we would say it's how nature made them. Either way, it's how their species has lived for as long as they have records or even told stories; which is over half a million years. It's totally normal for them, and you should be glad that apparently your species is susceptible to their bonding call. Don't question it but go with it."
"You make it sound so damn easy," Anidan said as she rubbed her face in frustration.
Pagsha shook her head slightly. "Do you have, any, idea, at, all, how lucky you are?" She asked emphasizing each word. "Do you have any idea how many people there are in the universe that would like to be in your position right now? A perfectly happy relationship for the rest of your life, guaranteed? To have your partner be mentally and physically exactly, totally, and perfectly just what you want... after you bonded and your idea of what you want mentally and physically has changed of course. How many people did you ever hear of that know up front that they'll be happy with their partner for the rest of their life? Know. Not hope, but know for a fact. Even I don't know for sure that Katzi and I will live the happily ever after thing. We hope, but we don't know. You would know. For you it will truly be absolutely sure 'until death does us part.' Hell, forget about the universe, do you have any idea how many people there are right here on Unimatrix 01 that would be knocking on Si'zaG's door if they knew that she was undergoing the bonding call?"
"But that's..." Anidan let her words trail off and sighed.
"Anidan, from one friend to another; just go for it," Pagsha urged.
~~~~~~~~~~{}~~~~~~~~~~
Anidan had been looking at the alcove for two hours. The regeneration cycle was set for only thirty minutes. She knew that even if the Hive wouldn't want to let her go anymore that Seven would insist on it; Anidan trusted her friend absolutely.
She sighed. She needed some answers; she knew she would find them in that alcove. She shook her head and sighed once more. She had told Seven that the Borg was her home now, but what kind of a home was it if she didn't even trust that home? She didn't dare to use her access tubes to get information, she didn't dare to regenerate in the normal way and join the Hive. Simply because those were ways that could be used by the Hive to suck her in and keep her under their total control again. Some home if she didn't even trust the people she was sharing that home with.
Then with one quick movement so that she couldn't talk herself out of it she turned around and took one step back.
{Species 1202 wants ties to the Collective, but not...}
{The design that First Civilian ZAn created for deck 326 is considered irrelevant for the Hive, but relevant for the Individualist drones.} {Modifications are scheduled for...}
{Chief Engineer, Third officer Anidan Dubinak, has joined the Hive.}
Anidan was amazed by three things. First of all by the fact that she could actually still be amazed even though she had joined the Hive and things should be totally irrelevant by now. Second that the Hive had actually so clearly noted her joining, and even used a rather short designation, as if the whole Hive should know who Chief Engineer, Third officer Anidan Dubinak was. Third that she could actually feel that the Hive was glad, almost relieved, that she had willingly joined them. She realized that, as unbelievable as it had seemed to her mere moments before, the Hive had missed her presence. And with that Anidan realized that this wouldn't be the last time she joined the Hive again. Then she was amazed for a fourth time when the Hive started talking to her and clearly reacted to her musing.
{The Hive adapted.}
{The mind of every drone is still completely scanned to ensure no dangerous thoughts exist.}
{But drones no longer reach a completely unconscious stage unless they choose it.}
{You allowed this?} Anidan heard her own voice in the Hive. {I thought you needed the voices in the Hive.}
{There are.}
{Information is still shared.}
{The drones that need to hear the voices will never have to fear losing them since drones now join the Hive to gather information or contact other drones.}
{What about a drone's private thoughts? What about things I don't want every drone in the Collective to know?} Anidan wondered.
{When the mind is scanned those thoughts are still filtered out.}
{For the Hive to know those thoughts you would have to bring them to the attention of the Hive like you are bringing your questions to our attention now.}
{However, you might need to train this because your first thoughts were also heard by us.}
{Alright, then let me ask, are there any members of species 8472 regenerating at the moment? I have questions.}
The question was answered by about two hundred 'yes' replies, combined with about two hundred correction to use the name Siill instead of species 8472.
It was interesting. Anidan noticed that some information was added to the Hive mind that could only come from Anidan herself. Things she hadn't even started working on, just thinking if things might be possible. So she knew that her mind was being scanned at the same moment and relevant information was being shared with other drones. But she felt nothing of it. She also noticed that the whole sharing of information that she knew from the last time still went on. Somewhere in the back of her mind she 'heard' things like what energy setting was used for a carrier wave. Or what drones were being assigned what jobs where in the Collective. But it was not of a disturbing level. More like a background 'hum' that was putting information in her brain while she was busy focusing on something else.
{Alright, members of the Siill, allow me to share with you what happened to me, and please advice me.}
Continued...