~ The Official Guide to Rescuing and
Maintaining Damsels in Distress ~
by K. Alexander
DISCLAIMER
Though the characters in this tale may physically remind you of people that you
know, they are in no way affiliated with, or based upon, the characters of Xena
and Gabrielle as used in Xena: Warrior Princess. It may shock you; nay,
disgust you to know that I have watched barely three episodes of your favourite
TV series (perhaps four years ago?) and so would not be able to draw upon those
characters even if I wanted to. Not my fault, mind you, but that of the
broadcasting authorities in my country. However, I am aware of certain physical
similarities and therefore invite you to employ your own wild imagination to
make the leap.
SEX/VIOLENCE/LITTLE BITS OF EVERYTHING WARNING
Exciting episode, this (I hope!) Lots of bits of
everything happening, with a good measure of what the hell thrown in for
effect. What�s going to happen with Philip? Will Crispin be quick enough to
save Helena? Is Eric wearing underpants? These are the questions we ask every
day � and which I will now attempt to answer. Except for the one about Philip,
you perverts. No sex, though. I was raised a proper young lady *snigger*
COMMENTS
You are most welcome to share them with me, as long as
you adore me madly. No, but really. Constructive criticism will be welcomed
with open arms. As will something by Ellen Degeneres, something by Nigella
Lawson, something by Donna Karan, and that movie �Peach� with Lucy Lawless in
it. Find me at: kalexy@webmail.co.za
AND FINALLY
There�s a bat in my ceiling. True as bob.
CHAPTER
FIFTEEN
It was most definitely Philip, but only the exterior
supported that fact. The once pleasant and good-looking young man had a dark
blaze in his eyes and a mordant half-smile on his lips that almost altered him
physically.
�Not what you were expecting?� His voice was acidic, a far
cry from what it had been. Stepping closer he let go of the horse�s reins.
�Helena, Helena, Helena. I worked so hard to acquire you, and then you ran away
from me. How rude.� He took one small step closer. �And all of that for an
ill-tempered knight who has no interest in you beyond a reward.� And another
small step. �What a shame.� He now stood right before her, his head tilted a
little as he stared down at her. �I, as you will no doubt retaliate, am not
much better, but at least I won you with my character.�
She should have been frightened, but that reaction did not
come naturally to Helena. Instead, what she felt was a smouldering anger. �You
won me with a character that was a lie, Philip! How much is that worth?
Nothing! Crispin may not have been as amiable, but at least there was some reliability
in that!�
�Oh please.� Philip shook his dark head with disdain.
�Reliability is for the feeble.� Trailing one hand up her arm he grinned as she
yanked the limb away. �Nevertheless, here I am, and where is your knight?
Nowhere to be found. Now don�t kick and fuss, Helena. I�ll admit that I take
pleasure in it, but it does waste time.� With that he wrapped one hand around
her upper arm and began to stride back through the bushes. She was surprisingly
compliant (and one would have thought he�d learnt his lesson about that) but he
appeared oblivious as he paced right towards Crispin, who was sitting on her
horse in silent contemplation. She could not hear anything with the wax in her
ears, but quiet reflection necessitated a lot of pensive looking about, and it
was on one of those arcs through the undergrowth that her sharp eyes caught a
glimpse of the dark man dragging the princess by her arm without ceremony.
Sliding her sword from its scabbard she slipped from Toby�s back and crept down
into the foliage, moving to intercept him as quietly as her temporary deafness
would allow.
Though Crispin and Helena had kept to the undergrowth and
bushes, Philip had no such compunction. Not knowing that they were trying to
conceal themselves he dismissed the foliage as unnecessarily troublesome and
stepped out into the yard, dragging his obedient captive with him. It was right
there that he ran into a dark woman, her hair streaming behind her in the
slight breeze and her bright blue eyes as chilly as steel. Considerably taller
than him and grasping a longsword with deceptive ease in one hand, she simply
stepped from a bush and right into his way.
�HEY.�
It was much louder than it needed to be. Blinking in
surprise he opened his mouth once and closed it, then let out a loud guffaw.
�Oh, this is lovely, Helena - did you bring a friend?�
Crispin could not tell what he was saying, but the laugh had
needed no explanation. She thought for a moment of pulling the blasted plugs
out of her ears, but then decided with uncustomary forethought that the
princess had obviously had her reasons. Swinging the sword loosely in her hand
she looked him up and down, making sure to be as offensive as possible. Then
her gaze slipped to the small blonde woman whose arm he was clasping in his
fist.
�HELENA? WHO�S THIS?�
Before the princess could open her mouth Philip interrupted,
his top lip in a skew sneer. �I am the man who�s walking out of here with this
woman, that�s who.�
For Crispin, who was attempting to read his lips, the sneer
just added difficulty to a sentence that seemed much too long to be a name in
the first place � unless he was adding all of his titles and surnames, in which
case she would cut him down simply for behaving like a ponce. Settling for the
less aggressive option as a start she furrowed her brow.
�WHO?�
Throwing his head back Philip began to hoot with laughter.
�Who? Who?� he mocked her.
The result was a good measure of chaos.
A handsome blonde man exploded from the front door of the
dilapidated property they were standing in front of and sprinted towards them,
his legs pumping up and down frantically as he glanced over his shoulder.
�Helena? You got her?!� Behind him three frail young women erupted from the
doorway and began to � well, waft� down the stairs, their voices raised in
obvious fury. They were all speaking in a singsong voice, seemingly finishing
each other�s sentences and starting them all at the same time. As Eric
approached at a speed and noticed the strange situation, his eyes widened and
he attempted to come to a stop, only succeeding once he was within two arms�
lengths of the dark man who held Helena by one arm. The three sisters were
wafting closer, but once they noticed that Crispin was a very animated part of
the group they drifted sullenly together at the edge of the gathering, their
voices muffled and soft as they conferred.
Eyeing the blonde man who had just skidded to a halt in
front of him with disdain, Philip switched Helena over to his other hand and
drew his sword. �Crispin. At last.�
�Me?� Eric frowned in bewilderment. �No, there must be some
sort of confusion... �
�Ah. Of course you will not fight for her. Your reputation
precedes you.� With that Philip lifted his sword and pointed it at Eric, who
was trying furtively to step backwards. �But I will gut you like the coward you
are, Crispin.�
�Me?� It was a repeat, but Eric felt that it was a proper
and essential word for the situation. �As I said, there must be some confusion.
I�m not Crispin� �
�You would bow out of it to save your gutless pathetic self,
wouldn�t you, Crispin?� Philip made a token slash in the air, halting rather awkwardly
as Helena tapping the hand holding her. �What?�
�He is telling the truth.� She shrugged. �He isn�t Crispin.�
�What?!� It was a dramatic roar. �Where is he, then?�
�There.� With an angelic expression Helena pointed at the
dark woman who was now swinging her sword in lazy arcs. Turning his head Philip
studied the knight.
�Where? All I see is this woman� � Veering his sword around
he pointed it at Crispin�s head, or intended to. Instead he found himself on
the receiving end of an incredibly powerful blow that took his own sword right
out of his hands.
�HELLO.� Crispin presented him with a lovely even white
smile and stuck the point of her sword into the ground, resting her hands
loosely on the hilt. �GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF HELENA.�
Immediately he obeyed, though this had more to do with the
fact that the princess was currently worth much less in his hands than his
fallen sword. Pushing Helena forward into the knight he used the moment of
confusion to scrabble on the ground for his sword, grasping it and almost
driving it straight through Helena before Crispin pushed her roughly into
Eric�s arms and out of harm�s way.
What was so unnerving about Crispin was not that she had
turned out to be a woman, or that her blue eyes were so coldly calculating, or
that she handled her sword in a manner quite superior to his own � it was a
very dire combination of the three. Swinging his sword experimentally he
performed a rather tricky exercise; to his ire she repeated his movements and
added a seemingly impossible twirl to the end. With a growl he threw himself at
her and began to fight in earnest, his fury growing as he realised that her
movements were still languid and tranquil whilst he was battling wildly.
Crispin was working very slowly on maddening her opponent
rather than assailing him. She had already gauged his fighting style as a form
of stage fighting; highly functional, but still no rival for the genuine
article. Instead of attacking she darted between his furious blows to deliver
stinging retorts of her own, lighter and faster than his own and driving him
into a pure frenzy. When his movements began to slow down somewhat she stepped
back and rested her sword on the ground, to his great aggravation.
�JUST TURN AROUND AND WALK AWAY.�
�No!� It was a hysterical screech, backed by blind rage.
�And stop yelling at me!� Lifting his sword he charged forward, finding himself
immediately flat on his stomach with a foot in the small of his back. The very
sharp point of a sword came to rest on the ground a bare breath from his eyes.
�TURN AROUND. AND WALK AWAY.�
At that point the natural coward in him came to the fore
rapidly and nodded enthusiastically. He was not going to win a battle with this
� spectre, for certainly she could not be an ordinary woman. The princess
surely wasn�t worth this, was she?
At the movement from his head Crispin lifted her foot off
him and dragged him upward by the back of his shirt, giving the front a rather
too firm dusting for good measure. �THERE. AND DON�T DRAG WOMEN AROUND AS IF
THEY�RE BAGS OF FRUIT IN THE FUTURE.�
�Fine. Fine.� Philip held his hands up to ward off her
hands. �I�ll just go, shall I?� Turning he strode past Eric, who didn�t realise
the danger until it was upon him. Grabbing the unwary princess suddenly by the
arm Philip pivoted her into his grasp and slid a dagger from his boot, resting
it lightly against her neck. �Now who�s going to turn around and walk away,
huh?� Crispin stood helplessly much too far away, her free hand spread in mute
supplication. The brown-haired man grinned maniacally. �She is mine. I worked
for her. You hear me? She ��
It was odd how the singing started so softly that it only
became audible after it had weaved its spell. Philip�s eyes glassed over once
before he shook his head to clear it, lightly nicking Helena�s neck with the
motion. �� she is�, � he started again before his dark eyes turned vague and a
vapid smile stretched across his features.
Helena would have slapped her hands over her ears
immediately when she noticed the sisters opening their mouths in unison, but
the blade pressed tightly to her neck persuaded her otherwise. Wrinkling her
nose and closing her eyes in anticipation she was rather surprised not to feel
any effects.
�Put down the dagger.� It was spoken by the middle sister,
her voice as soothing as honey. Without a word Philip dropped the dagger at his
own feet and stood smiling at the sisters as Eric moved in quietly and pulled
Helena away from him. The sisters studied the blonde man with a regretful
expression.
�It is you we wanted,� the right-hand sister confided. The
one on the left shrugged, �but our powers are much weaker this far from the
shore. Even our calling rock does not help.� The sister in the middle nodded.
�We cannot enchant the tone-deaf.� They glanced over to the smiling man who
stood waiting for commands. �If it is all the same to you,� the middle sister
spoke, �we will keep this one,� the sister on the left chimed in, �and leave
you be.�
�Most definitely.� Helena nodded. �You are welcome to him.�
�And you are of course welcome to stay the night again.� The
sisters spoke together.
With a nervous smile Eric put his hand on Helena�s shoulder
and nudged her towards Crispin, walking backwards as he spoke. �No, no. Thank
you, but no. Enjoy your person. I mean day.� Each taking an uncomprehending
Crispin by the wrist, they propelled her right back into the bushes where Toby
and Eric�s horse grazed placidly. Sheathing her sword and mounting her
stallion, Crispin held out a hand to Helena, who let herself be lifted onto the
horse without a word. Settling the princess in front of her the knight took a
hold of the reins and then leaned forward.
�WHAT JUST HAPPENED?�