She sat on Billie's lap, legs wrapped tightly around her waist, her hands moving up and down her back. She moved her hips slowly, pressing the heat between her legs against Billie's stomach. She sank her teeth gently into Billie's shoulder, Billie's low moan soaking her anew. She felt Billie's hands move firmly up her back, grasping her wet hair and pulling her head back to claim a kiss.

Their tongues entwined, Billie moved forward, pushing Jewl onto the bed and pressing her body down against Jewl's. Billie was so hot that Jewl could do nothing but be carried away in her passion.

*****

Jewl closed her eyes tight against the images in her mind. All she could think of was Billie; Billie haunted her thoughts, her heart… her life. She tried to do everything she could to forget her, but Billie was under her skin. Their unresolved business was tearing her apart, and her deep love for the woman was killing her. Life wasn't worth living without Billie and her mind was made up.

She was gazing out at the trees in and beyond her backyard. The hollows under her eyes were dark, and expressed her depression just as much as her thinness did. She silently said goodbye, swallowing hard against the tears forming. She looked down at the small pill bottle that stood on the counter in front of her, at the glass of wine sitting beside it. Her eyes filled with tears as she lifted them to gaze out the window again. She couldn't take it any more; the pain was torturing her. She picked this moment because she knew that Joseph was out of town, because if he were in Illuminations, he'd be at her house. He would be able to stop her, or he would just simply know instinctively.

The phone rang in the living room, but she ignored it. She emptied half the bottle of sleeping pills into her palm and stared at the four green pills, her eyes hollow and expressionless. She brought them to her mouth; she hesitated, then took them in and tried to swallow them. She gagged at their bitter taste, and brought the glass of wine to her lips, to help wash them down. She coughed, spilling wine from her mouth. She placed the glass on the table, sitting down at the kitchen table and waited for the pills to work.

She jumped when she heard the doorbell ring what seemed seconds later. She stood listening to the bell ring for a minute or so. Feeling unexpectedly lightheaded, blinking very slowly, she made her way towards the front door. Everything looked suddenly darker, she felt as if her brows were weighing down on her face and she staggered to the side against the wall, feeling her knees weakening. Her feet dragged as she walked and she felt herself shifting sideways, unconscious by the time her body crashed to the floor.



Joseph caught Jewl's collapse through the windows, and his heart leapt to his throat. He had come back early from his trip, and as soon as he was home, he had called Jewl. When she didn't pick up the phone, which he found strange since she was always home, he grew worried. A bad feeling at the pit of his stomach had been haunting him for the whole day, and now he knew why. It was obvious Jewl she had taken some sort of substance. She was unsteady and she collapsed just as she reached the living room. Instinctively, he stepped away from the door and kicked it in with all his strength.

Part of the frame broke off as the door flew open, and he ran through and to Jewl's side. He gently sat her up, and gazed down at her pale slack-jawed face. He slapped her gently, whispering brokenly: "Jewl, Jewl!" Tears filled his eyes, but that didn't stop him from acting quickly as he picked her up into his arms and made his way out the door. He managed to get her into the passenger's seat and ran around to the driver's side. Tearing down the driveway onto the street, he silently prayed that he had been on time.

******

Lorna put her book down on her lap and picked up the phone. "Mom, its Joseph," the sound of her son's shaky voice over the line made her sit up straight. A shiver ran up her spine and she removed her reading glasses.

"Joseph? Honey, what is it? Are you alright?" She asked worriedly, clutching her glasses in her hand.

"It's Jewl, mom," Joseph whispered, and began to cry. "She's tried to kill herself, I don't even know if she'll make it!"

"Oh my God," Lorna muttered, bringing her clutched hand to her chest. She could feel the blood pounding powerfully in her ears. "H-how?" She coughed to clear her closed up throat. Jewl was like a daughter to her, and she could feel the anxiety clutch her heart.

"I don't know. I need you to go to her house, mom. Look around the house and see if you can find anything." He sounded shaky, sniffing. "See if you can find what she might have taken. They're thinking it might have been sleeping pills. I didn't have time to look around."

"Alright, dear, I'll be on my way as soon as we hang up." Lorna said, trying to fight the tears. "Where in the hospital are you?"

"In the emergency room waiting area," Joseph said, and began to cry again. He was like that for a long time, and Lorna could hear his soft sobs through the line. "What if she dies, Mom?" He finally asked, his voice full of pain.

"She won't, baby," Lorna answered resolutely, hoping she was right. "You'll see."

He sniffed and for a long time said nothing. "I hope you're right, mom." He whispered brokenly. "Hurry, mom."



The phone rang, startling Billie out of sleep. She gazed at the clock as Johanna reached over her to the night table and picked up the phone. It was two o'clock in the morning. Johanna answered in a sleepy voice. "Hello?" A slight pause. "Lorna, what's the matter?" Billie lifted herself up onto her elbows and listened to Johanna's concerned side of the conversation. "Ok, thanks for letting us know." She hung up. She moved back to her side of the bed and sat up, gazing at Billie with sad eyes.

Billie sat up also, staring at her. "What is it?" She demanded anxiously. "Did something happen to Joseph?"

Johanna shook her head and took a deep breath. "Jewl Rothschild has tried to kill herself." She said softly, taking Billie's hand. "They don't think she's going to make it."

Billie felt a chill run down her spine, and her chest constricting. She opened her mouth to speak, but found that she couldn't. She wanted to ask how she did it, if she was okay, anything to know that she was alive. She just stared wide-eyed at Johanna, numb.

It was as if Johanna could read her mind. "She took some sleeping pills, they don't know how many." She said softly, reaching and stroking Billie's face comfortingly. "Come on, let's go to the hospital."

After a long moment, Billie nodded. Both women moved off the bed to put on their clothes.



Almost an hour later, Lorna found Joseph sitting down on one of the chairs in the emergency room's waiting area. He was staring off into the distance, his eyes red-rimmed; his cheeks flushed red from the force of his crying. The sound of her footsteps made him look up at her, and a pleading expression took over his eyes. Lorna's heart broke at the sight of her son's pain; she sat at his side and pulled his face down to her shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her waist and cried into her shoulder; she could feel his tears wetting the cotton material of her shirt as she cried with him.

"I love her so much, mom." He whispered brokenly, his shoulders trembling with his tears. "I can't loose her!"

She stroked his hair gently, kissing him softly on the forehead. She closed her eyes tightly. "I know, baby, I know." She whispered, trying to stop the tears threatening to spill from her clenched eyes. When she opened them, she saw Billie and Johanna standing there together, gazing at them. Johanna's eyes expressed her sympathy for Joseph and her concern for Jewl. Lorna knew that even though Johanna didn't know Jewl, she still worried, because she knew how much Lorna and Joseph cared for her.

Billie's expression, on the other hand, was unreadable, numb. Her eyes were empty of any expression, and this angered Lorna, because she knew how much Billie once loved Jewl. For Billie to say she didn't care about anything that happened to Jewl would be a lie, because Lorna knew it wasn't true. Johanna moved forward, sitting on the other side of Joseph and wrapping her arms around them, crooning gently. After a few minutes, she asked softly: "Have they said anything?"

Joseph shook his head, and sat back, sniffling. "Terrence is giving her some kind of treatment to detoxify her." He whispered, wiping at the tears on his cheeks. "When I found her I guess she had just taken them. I saw her stumbling towards the door through the glass at the front door, and I had to break the door so that I could get in." He seemed about to cry then. "I thought she was going to die on me then."

Johanna stroked his arm gently, while Billie watched, biting her lower lip. Her hands threatened to tremble if she let them out of her pockets. She was trying, she was trying so hard to show she didn't care, that she cared less whether Jewl died or not. But it wasn't true; if Jewl died, something inside her would die too. Taking a deep steadying breath, she walked over to the seats across from them and sat, staring at the floor. When she looked up, her eyes met Lorna's, who gazed at her with a strange look in her eyes. Billie looked away from her and at Joseph, who now sat leaning forward, his red head between his hands.

Terrence Thompson came out through the revolving doors of the emergency room. "Terrence," Joseph said anxiously, standing up and going to him, a pleading look in his eyes. Lorna, Johanna and Billie stood up also.

Terrence had grown up with all of them. He had wanted to be a doctor at the age of six, and he followed his dream into adulthood. He was the doctor of many of Illuminations' most open-minded residents. His parents had moved into Illuminations in the mid-sixties, during the surge of race related deaths in the south. His parents, a black man and a white woman, moved into Illuminations and basically established themselves. Of course, there was the usual outrage at the novelty of a biracial couple, but they didn't let it bother them or stop them from having children. Eventually, the town got used to it, and many people of Illuminations accepted Terrence, even when he made no secret to the fact that he was gay. Then there were the bigots, but they did not matter to Terrence. He was a good doctor and he knew it.

"She'll be alright, Joseph. We detoxified her, and it worked out great." He said, smiling gently at his long-time friend, his green-brown eyes crinkling at the corners. Joseph's shoulders sagged even more, as if the weight of worry lifted off them and left them weak. "But," Terrence said in a warning tone. "The pills got around her system a little before we could get our hands on her. Her liver was slightly damaged by the pills and alcohol."

Billie clenched her jaw, and glanced at Johanna, who had her arms around Lorna, comforting her. Terrence continued explaining: "I'm going to recommend a therapist for you to take her to, Joseph." Joseph nodded in agreement. "She's had a hard time since her parents died, as we all know, and has been basically alone, except for us. But we're not the same as family, you know?" He glanced at Billie.

Billie listened to him, and frowned. She turned away and ran a hand through her hair, pacing and listening. "Jewl will have to take some medicine to help regenerate her liver, but just for a little while. She should be waking up in a day or two, and I'll let you in to see her. I suggest you all go home and rest. Also, I'm going to keep her for a few days, on observation. I'll have the hospital therapist go in to see her."

Joseph nodded, looking relieved. "Thanks, Terrence," He whispered, and shook his friend's hand. "Thank you so much for saving her."

Terrence smiled, and cupped his friend's hand in both of his. "She's my friend too," He said softly, his eyes filling with tears also. "If you hadn't gotten there when you did, she wouldn't be alive." He let go of Joseph's hand and smiled at Lorna, Johanna and Billie. "I'll see you all later."



"I'm not leaving, mom." Joseph said querulously, shaking his head stubbornly. "Billie and Johanna can drive you home." He looked at Billie and Johanna, who nodded. His gaze lingered on Billie, who seemed restless and upset, though she tried to hide it.

"Honey, you have to rest." Lorna insisted. It was already three in the morning, and Billie and Johanna were on their way out. "You heard Terrence, she won't wake up for a day or so. And she's going to be ok." She held her son's hand, gazing up at him with her mother's eye. "You're tired, you didn't even get to rest when you got back home. Come on, honey."

Joseph shook his head again, pleading at Lorna with his eyes. "I'd feel better staying, mom. Please understand." He whispered, grabbing her hand in his and squeezing gently.

Lorna gazed at him for a long moment, and smiled softly. She knew her son loved Jewl immensely and that he wouldn't move from there until she was out of there. "I'll bring you a change of clothes and some food in the morning, son." She said, and touched his cheek softly with a small hand.

"Thanks, mom. I love you." Joseph said, and kissed her gently on the forehead. Billie and Johanna moved forward and hugged and kissed him too. When they had left, he went and sat in the waiting room, leaning his head back against the wall and closing his eyes.



Jewl opened her eyes slowly, aware of a small ache on her side and an uncomfortable feeling on her face. She blinked slowly, her gritty eyes focusing slowly on the ceiling. She groaned from the pain, letting her head loll to the side. A gentle faced nurse leaned over her, smiling down at her with benevolent eyes. "Good to have you back, Ms. Rothschild. You're back sooner than we thought." She said gently, and touched Jewl's head, gently pushing back her hair. She glanced at the beeping machine and grinned at her, reaching for something over her head. "You seem to be doing okay. Now I don't know why you tried to do this to yourself, but hopefully you won't do it again. Right?"

Jewl closed her eyes, feeling herself trembling. "I-" She croaked, opening her eyes again when the door opened. Terrence came in, and smiled as he met her eyes.

"Hey! Good to see you're awake." He said, moving to her side and taking her hand in his. He sat at the corner of the bed beside her and smiled gently down at her. He sighed, gazing quietly at her for a long time. "Why did you do it?" He asked, his voice gentle.

Jewl brought her hand up to her face, and that was when she realized she had a respirator mask on. She clawed at it, and Terrence helped her remove it. He pulled it down to her chin and waited, looking into her eyes. Jewl's eyes watered and she gasped, starting to cry. "I-" She whispered brokenly. "I couldn't take it any more."

Terrence squeezed her hand in his and leaned over to kiss her forehead. "Couldn't take what, love?" He urged.

"I was alone, I didn't have anybody-" She whispered.

"That's not true." He interrupted, aching for her, sensing her pain.

"That's the way I felt." She said, her shoulders shaking as she cried.

"You shouldn't." He said softly. "There's Joseph, there's Lorna, me, Billie…"

As he said Billie's name, her cries grew in intensity. "Not Billie." She sobbed.

He sighed softly and leaned forward. "I don't know what happened between you two." He said gently, close to her ear. "But it's not the reason you tried to do this; it might have contributed, but it's not the reason. I'm not letting you go from this hospital unless you see a therapist about your problem." Jewl didn't respond, continuing to cry hopelessly. Terrence reached up and touched her face gently. "You'll be alright, you'll see."



It was almost noon when Joseph stalked into Jewl's room and practically ran to the bed, uncaring of the nurse sitting in the room with her. Jewl was sitting up a little, looking at a self-help magazine Terrence had brought her. Joseph took her into his arms, crying her name out softly. Tears spilled from his cheeks as he held her softly. He felt her wrap her arms around his neck and he squeezed her tightly to him. "Oh, Jewl." He whispered. "I thought I'd lost you, I thought you were gone."

Jewl forced a small laugh, holding onto him. "I guess I don't go that easy." She whispered, brokenly.

Joseph pulled back and gazed at her with all the love in the world. "You're not supposed to." He whispered, another tear slipping down his cheek. He grasped her gently by the shoulders. "Don't do this again, please. Say you won't." He shook her gently.

Jewl nodded. "I promise." She said, and leaned forward to slip into his arms again. She felt comforted by his tender embrace. And she realized how blind she'd been, by not realizing that she had always had Joseph, that she shouldn't have felt so alone.

Joseph nodded, stroking her head with his large though gentle hands. "I hope that you mean that." He said softly, kissing her forehead.

Jewl leaned back onto the covers, suddenly tired. "I won't." She said weakly.

Joseph brushed back her hair, smiling softly. "You're tired," He whispered, stroking her cheek with the back of his fingers. "I'll leave you now, but I'll be back later on today. Okay?"

Jewl nodded softly, closing her eyes. Absently, she felt his lips touch hers gently.

Chapter Two



Billie sat gazing at her computer, not really seeing the screen. She sat back and sighed. The truth was that she couldn't concentrate on her work at all. Thoughts of Jewl haunted her; images of their better moments together kept playing themselves across her mind like a film. She remembered clearly their first time together as lovers and the times after that, the love they secretly shared for all those years.

She secretly worried about Jewl, hoped she was all right now. She had the urge to run to the hospital and see Jewl, but she fought it. She didn't want Johanna to suspect anything was amiss. Johanna was so good to her, and loved her so much, that she didn't want her to find out that Billie had lied all these years about her relationship, - or as she made Johanna believe- lack of, with Jewl. She loved Johanna and Johanna deserved one hundred percent of her love, and Jewl didn't. Billie frowned, clenching her fist as the old anger thankfully resurfaced and replaced the love she believed she once felt for Jewl. To Billie, Jewl was a coward and had been so scared of admitting their love for each other that she was willing to loose Billie and their "love."

When Margo sauntered back in from a lunch date with a woman, Billie was scowling at the computer screen, sitting back on her chair, not moving an inch. "What's wrong with you?" She asked, sitting down and staring at her with question in her eyes. She tossed her curly hair with a shake of her head and looked at Billie again.

Billie jumped, not having noticed her until she spoke. "What? Oh, nothing." She said, moving her hands back onto the keyboard and attempting to look busy.

Margo studied her for a long moment, knowing she had been thinking about Jewl. She just hadn't been right since she had found out that Jewl had tried to commit suicide. She had been brooding about something, and she wondered how Johanna was dealing with it. Billie brooding was not something to behold. "Tell me what's really wrong, Billie." Margo said softly. "We've known each other for quite a while now, and have gotten to know each other pretty well. I know when you're preoccupied."

"I-" Billie said, shaking her head and frowning. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

Margo cocked her head to the side, pursing her lips. "You're thinking about her, that's what's wrong with you." She said flatly.

"Why would she do that?" Billie asked softly, gazing through the computer screen as if it wasn't really there.

Margo shook her head and shrugged, sighing. "Things basically went wrong for her, that's what I figure." She said, eyeing her friend for a long moment.

"I feel like it's my fault." Billie whispered.

"I don't know." Margo said. "From what I've heard about town, Jewl has not had an easy life."

Billie shook her head, and looked at Margo for the first time since she walked in. "She hasn't." She confirmed. "When she was fourteen, her mother had a massive stroke and died, still young. She has an older sister who left a couple of years before her mother died and didn't even come back for the funeral. She didn't get along at all with the father, who used to beat them senseless, as they grew older." Billie frowned, pausing for a few moments. "Her father committed suicide when she was nineteen, and she's basically been alone ever since. Except for Joseph, Lorna and, until a few years ago, me. You basically know what happened between us."

Margo gazed at Billie for a long time, biting her lower lip softly. "I feel bad for her." She said softly.

Billie looked away from Margo's sympathetic face and stared down at her desk. Before she could think of anything to say, the phone rang, startling them both. Billie picked up. "Hi," Johanna said, her voice was warm and loving like always.

"Hi, gorgeous," Billie said, smiling at the sound of her voice. "How are you?"

Johanna chuckled softly. "Missing you a lot." She said in a bedroom voice.

Sitting back, Billie stopped herself from shivering visibly, but she knew her face said enough. "Same here." She said. She watched Margo politely turn to her computer, a knowing smile on her face.

"I heard around town that Jewl's woken up, Billie, and that she's alright." Johanna said after a long pause.

Billie sighed. "I've heard too." She said.

"Aren't you glad?" Johanna asked.

Billie stayed quiet for a long moment, but then she lied: "I really don't feel anything, one way or the other." Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw Margo turn her head to look at her. "Jewl Rothschild doesn't matter to me one way or the other, to be honest." She went on, recalling all that anger and pain to help her sound convincing.

There was a long silence on Johanna's end of the line, and she was aware of Margo's disapproving stare. "That's cold and cruel, Billie Jordan." Johanna said, her voice cold and reproachful. "Sometimes I wonder what made me fall in love with you."

Trying at levity, Billie said: "My incredible good looks and charm?"

Johanna stayed quiet for a full minute before replying: "I don't know why you hate that poor woman so much, Billie. But you have to think that Joseph is deeply in love with her, and that she matters to him a whole lot. I think you need to try a little harder and be there for your friend, like he's been for you."

Billie threw her head back and sighed, exasperated. "Let's not argue about this, please, babe." She said. "Will you be like this tonight?"

Johanna sighed and said, her voice softened: "I don't know, Billie. I seriously don't know."

"I love you, baby." Billie whispered, and looked over at Margo, who was back to tapping into her computer. She wanted Johanna, now. Then she looked at the clock over the door; it was two thirty. "Can you get out early?" She asked, her voice suggestive.

She could hear Johanna's breath catch. Johanna couldn't stay mad at Billie for too long. "I most definitely can." She whispered into the phone. "I'll be at the house in like twenty minutes."

"Meet you there." Billie said, hanging up and turning off her computer. She stood up and grinned at Margo. "Early day, go home and relax. Can you lock the door?" She didn't wait for her answer as she walked out the door, in a hurry to meet Johanna and make love. She heard Margo's laugh behind her.



As she was driving her jeep into the gravel driveway, Johanna was pulling her car up to the sidewalk. They both ran out of their cars and on silent agreement, made their way to the door. Inside the door, they turned to each other and kissed. Johanna's hands went directly to Billie's shirt buttons and she fumbled with them as they kissed deeply, tongues touching and exploring. Billie groaned as Johanna's fingers made their way past the barrier of her shirt and stroked her chest. She shivered as she pulled her down to the floor, where they proceeded to make fast, passionate love.



Billie lay with her head on Johanna's soft stomach as Johanna stroked her hair with gentle fingers. They were in bed now, bodies still drying from the sweat of their lovemaking. She could still smell the scent of their sex and desire; she could still feel and hear Johanna's quick heartbeat. Johanna smiled softly to herself, contentment coursing through her body. She loved Billie more than anything, and was happy to have her.

Of course, she didn't understand the irrational dislike or hate that Billie felt for Jewl Rothschild. Johanna didn't know the woman, but from what people said, she was the sweetest person in the world. The depression she was experiencing worried many, and it hurt them that they really couldn't do anything to help her, especially now that she had taken it as far as trying to kill herself. This was such a small town that something couldn't happen without anyone else knowing, everything was practically within walking distance, and gossip got around at the speed of light. Johanna wondered how Billie and Jewl kept their relationship a secret all those years.

Johanna broke off from her thoughts when Billie lifted her head and moved up to lie beside her, kissing her invitingly on the mouth. She forgot everything she was thinking as she burrowed into Billie's arms, wrapping her arms around her neck and loosing herself to Billie's sexual allure.



Continued in part VII

Katia N. Ruiz