Jewl sat by the window of her hospital room, gazing out into the parking lot and street. She watched people walking by enjoying the bright noon-time sun; some just sat in the park eating their carry-on lunches. From time to time, her eyes tracked the cars coming in and leaving the hospital's lot sporadically.

Being in the hospital for almost a month, though under observation, had done a world of good to her. Joseph and Lorna visited her every day, allowing her the liberty of being without the almost constant observing nurse if only for a little while.

She heard Joseph turn another page of his book. He was reading a book the hospital's psychiatrist, Dr. Clint Limbers, had recommended to him about helping people that have tried to commit suicide. Jewl, Doctor Limbers had assigned to read a self-help book he had written and published. Her own book sat on her lap, opened halfway where she had left off before growing distracted and looking out the window. At first, Jewl refused the help, but Terrence spoke highly of Dr. Limbers, and she respected his opinion.

She was instantly at ease with the psychiatrist, and accepted his help willingly, wanting to help herself get out of her funk. He would visit her for an hour every day, and they would talk about her feelings, about why things went the way they went. She even told him about being in love with Billie, even though she never said her name, just said a woman. At first, she had been reluctant to say anything, afraid that he might despise her after finding out that she was in love with another woman. Even more surprising, in fact, was that he didn't seem surprised or even disgusted about the truth.

Just because she came out to him didn't mean that she could come out to all of Illuminations, though. The fear- and panic at the thought of coming out, - was like a living thing snaking its way inside her body. She was afraid of being hated, of being despised. She knew what Billie went through in the beginning, had heard about Bobby Downey's attempt at hurting her days before her wedding with Johanna. She wouldn't be able to defend herself the way Billie had, and she wouldn't be able to break anyone's arm like Billie had managed to break Bobby's that night.

Deep in her thoughts, she was unaware that Joseph had put the book down and was gazing at her with deep love in his eyes. To him, the love he felt for her outgrew the universe. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her if she'd only give him the chance. "Marry me." He said before he could think about it, eyes pleading.

Jewl's eyes snapped over to Joseph, wide with surprise. She exhaled as she realized that she'd sucked in a shocked breath and never let it out. She frowned in confusion. "What?" She said, her voice hoarse.

Joseph stood and went to her, taking her hand and gazing into her eyes. He plunged. "I love you, Jewl. You can't ignore it any longer." He whispered, his eyes filling with tears of emotion. "Aside from mother, you are the most important woman in the universe to me. I can't be without you any more." A tear slipped out and he did nothing to wipe it away.

Jewl felt her own eyes fill with tears and she squeezed his hand, meeting his eyes. "I can't love you the way you love me. I can't marry you." She whispered, her heart aching for her best friend; partly because she had never realized he felt that way, and because he was such a good man and she couldn't give him what he needed.

Joseph closed his eyes, furrowing his brow sadly as he nodded in understanding. "I know," he said. "But I still want you to marry me."

"Joseph-"

"No, listen," He whispered, squeezing her small hand gently. "I love you. I'll do my best to make you happy, to love you as much as you want me to love you. I've never loved anyone the way I love you. I-" His voice caught as another tear slipped from his eyes.

"Joseph," Jewl whispered back, for the first time wanting to be honest. "I'm not-"

"I know about you and Billie, Jewl." He said, meeting her eyes.

Jewl was too shocked to speak. For a long moment, her breath caught in her lungs. Finally, she managed: "How?"

Joseph knelt down in front of her and put his arm around her waist. "The way things were." He said simply, resting his head on her lap. "It was like one moment you guys were fine, and the next, Billie couldn't even stand the mention of your name. You kind of gave it away too. And then the sudden depression, as if you had lost something very important in your life. And you did, because you love Billie so much, and she's happy with someone else."

Jewl gazed at the floor, knowing the truth of Joseph's words. She caressed his head with a shaky hand, and closed her eyes.

"So why not try to be happy too, Jewl?" He whispered softly. "Why not give yourself a new start?" He paused, gazing up at her for a long moment with all the love in his soul. "Nothing has to happen between us. No sex or anything like that. I'd be happy with just having you by my side. Marry me, Jewl."

Jewl blinked away tears. They were tears of sadness, of relief. Joseph knew all that time. She could have talked to him all that time and she wouldn't have felt so alone. She knew he meant what he said about no sex, his promises were etched in stone. He would never pressure her into doing anything she didn't want to do. His love for her could help her forget Billie; she could learn to love him.

"Yes," She finally said. She would do her best to make it work. She knew getting married was an escape from having to come out, and living with Joseph could be a pleasant thing. A marriage with him would not be bad at all. He was the sweetest man in the world; so different from her father, from Billie.

The grin on Joseph's face could have brought sunshine to a rainy day, and tears came up into his eyes. Jumping up, he pulled her into his arms and held her tightly, spinning her around the room. She laughed as he laughed with happiness. He stopped spinning her slowly, and lowered her down onto the floor. He buried his face into her hair and began to cry, shaking and holding her tightly. "Thank you," He said hoarsely. "Thank you, thank you so much."

She held onto him, crying too, touched by his happiness.

******



That night, during dinner, he told Lorna the big news. "Jewl is going to marry me." He said matter-of-factly, catching her by surprise.

Lorna dropped her fork and knife on the plate, making a clatter. "What did you say?" She said, eyeing her son cautiously.

"Jewl is going to marry me." He said again, unable to hold back a grin.

Lorna sat back on her chair, a smile slowly touching her face. "Are you sure about this?" She asked gently. "Jewl doesn't-"

"Love me," He finished. "I know, but I'll win her love. She won't be able to help loving me, you'll see. She'll be happy."

Lorna was touched by her son's desire to make Jewl happy. "Once a tree bends you can never straighten it. Be careful, honey." She warned knowingly and then smiled. "Other than that, congratulations." Inside, she was cautious, though at the same time happy that Jewl wouldn't be alone anymore, even if it was a platonic marriage.

Joseph's smile grew. "Don't worry about me, mom, I'll be fine." He stood as she did and walked around the table into her welcoming arms.

"When's the big day?" Lorna asked, and kissed his smooth cheek. She then patted it fondly. My baby could never really grow a beard, just like his daddy.

"In two weeks." He said dryly, chuckling.

Lorna pulled back and stared at her son in surprise. "Two weeks?" She repeated. "A little fast, don't you think?"

"Mom," He said, laughing deep in his throat. "I want Jewl, I love her with all my being. And if I die a year from now, I'll die a happy man, because she is like heaven to me. Having her as my wife will be the greatest thing that ever happened to me aside from having you as my mother." His eyes filled with tears for the umpteenth time that day and he pulled his mother close for a hug.

Billie came up behind Johanna and wrapped her arms around her, wanting to feel her close. Johanna was washing the dishes from their dinner, singing softly. She spun around at Billie's touch and put her wrist behind her neck. She pulled Billie's head down for a kiss, her hand dripping water onto Billie's back. She moaned very softly and pulled back, meeting her intense eyes. "You just let me finish these dishes and we're going to have some fun, baby." She whispered, spinning back around. She picked up a plate and smirked, knowing that when Billie was in the mood for loving, nothing short of the apocalypse could stop her.

Billie could care less about the dishes; she slipped her hands under Johanna's shirt, squeezing her breasts firmly. Johanna moaned deep in her throat, dropping the dish back into the suds and reaching for the faucet, hurriedly shutting the water off. She turned into Billie's strong arms, slipping her arms around Billie's neck and pulling her once again into a deep kiss. She never got enough of Billie's smooth mouth or of her soft tongue, and she kissed her with a hunger for her that never dimmed. Billie's lips left hers to kiss her throat, her hands slipping under her shirt and cupping her ribs firmly. Johanna's knees weakened and Billie followed her towards the kitchen floor.

The doorbell rang before they could reach the floor. Its sudden chime was loud to their ears and it startled them apart. They stared at each other for a long moment, until the bell rang again. Billie moved towards Johanna again, willing to let whomever it was ring until his or her finger fell off. But Johanna pushed her back, laughing softly and making her way towards the front door. "That would be rude, Billie. What if it's someone important?" She said over her shoulder, swinging her hips teasingly.

Billie sighed, threw her head back and groaned; then she followed her. Joseph was at the door, and Johanna was letting him and the winter air inside after kissing his cheek and hugging him. "Hi, I'm sorry to bother you guys." He said, looking relaxed in khaki slacks and a brown Columbia jacket over a black turtleneck. Billie went to him and smiled, hugging him and inviting him to sit down. Joseph was all smiles as he sat down on an armchair and waited for them to settle down on the couch. "I have something to tell you, Billie, Johanna." He said, suddenly nervous, sitting erect in his chair. He looked preoccupied and happy at the same time.

Billie took Johanna's hand and smiled tentatively, wondering what could have Joseph so nervous, though obviously delighted. "What is it?" She asked, feeling Johanna squeeze her hand in response.

"Well, I thought I should let you know before word gets around to you guys." Joseph said, taking a deep breath. "I'm getting married in two weeks." He looked at Billie as he said this.

Johanna felt Billie stiffening beside her; she glanced at her and then looked back at Joseph.

"With whom?" Billie asked, already knowing the answer by the look in his face.

Again, he looked at Billie. "Jewl and I are getting married." He said in a low voice, meeting her eyes.

Billie's expression was unreadable to Johanna, who looked at her as soon as Joseph said Jewl's name. She gazed at Billie for a long moment, trying to read her expression, but nothing. Suddenly, Billie stood up, and went to Joseph, smiling and extending her hand. He stood up, taking her hand in his and pulling her into a tight hug.

"Congratulations," she said, and closed her eyes tightly. This was the worst thing that could be happening to her: Jewl was using her best friend to stay in the closet. She pulled back and forced herself to smile again.

Joseph seemed relieved at Billie's congratulations, and hugged Johanna tightly too. He invited them to his impromptu wedding in two weeks time, asking them to be his witnesses. He left with a skip to his walk, no longer nervous. Johanna returned to the living room after letting him out, and found Billie standing by the window, hands in her pockets, gazing out into the night. She walked up to her and slipped her arms under Billie's. She hugged her from behind, her arms around her waist, and pressed her face into her tense back and took in her scent with a deep breath. The muscles of Billie's back seemed to soften and the blonde sighed.

After a long moment, Johanna said: "Tell me what's wrong, Billie. How can I help you if I don't know?"

Billie let her head fall forward, chin resting on her upper chest. She brought her hands out of her pockets and wrapped her arms around Johanna's. "I don't want to talk about it, Johanna." She whispered.

Johanna gave an exasperated scoff. "Billie," She said, hurt. "You don't know how much it hurts me that you can't trust me."

"Jo-"

"Billie, don't say a thing." Johanna cut her off. "You and I don't hide anything from each other except for this thing you insist on keeping to yourself; this thing that's eating at you. I know a commitment doesn't mean baring all your secrets," She paused, and then continued before Billie could say anything. "But, damn it, you keep this thing hanging between us and say things that I know aren't you, and you won't tell me why when I ask!"

Billie could feel Johanna shaking against her. "I can't really talk about it." She said stiffly, staring blankly out the window.

"Then, goddamnit, shut up! Let the woman live." Billie had never heard Johanna curse in their time together. "She deserves to be happy, just like you and I. And if Joseph can make her happy, then let him. And if she can make him- don't ruin his chance at happiness." She finished with a shaky whisper, pulling away from Billie, who turned around and stared.

After a long moment, Billie spoke. "All I can say, Jo," She said, her voice hoarse and strained. "Is that Jewl Rothschild is a coward, an egotistical coward. Maybe some day I'll tell you the story." Her eyes were pleading as they met Johanna's, and she brought her arms up in beckoning.

Johanna complied with the silent entreaty, drawn by the desperation in Billie's eyes and the need in her voice.

What Billie didn't know was that Johanna already knew the whole story.



Chapter Four



Jewl emerged from the shower, wrapped in a bathrobe Joseph had given her, to find Billie standing in her hospital room, staring out the window out at the park. Jewl's step faltered. She looks magnificent! She thought distractedly, at the same time wondering why she was here. Billie wore dashing wool slacks and a beige sweater, her feet encased in black leather boots. Jewl spotted her leather jacket draped across the foot of her hospital bed. "Hi," She said tentatively, and held her breath when Billie turned around.

In an instant, her eyes took in Billie's beauty. She almost sighed at the sight of those clear eyes that she still loved so much; eyes that looked at her with no emotion save anger. Billie's sensuous mouth was in a straight line, no smile or any kind of expression showed on those lips that Jewl still wanted to kiss so much. She reined herself in, and asked in a shaky voice: "What are you doing here?"

Billie's eyes narrowed. "I wanted to let you know what I thought about this- this scheme of yours to marry Joseph." She said, her voice low, venomous. "You're a coward, and you're going to hurt my best friend in the process of hiding."

Jewl's back tensed, and her own eyes narrowed. "You have a lot of nerve, Billie Jordan." She hissed, turning away from her. Suddenly, she spun back to face her, and all the hurt and the pain came out; her cheeks flamed with anger. "You mind your own damn business; you go with your lover and be happy and oblivious like you've been all these years. You have no heart, no feelings-"

"You tell me I have no feelings?" Billie interrupted, her cheeks flaming too. "You, who claimed to love me and then refused to be brave when I felt the need to?"

Jewl's eyes filled with tears, her mouth curled in disgust. "Of course, it's all about you, isn't it?" She retorted, her voice breaking. "The world is about Billie Jordan and what she fucking wants and when and how. The world is about 'I want what I want when I want it', isn't it, Billie?" She started to cry, her fists clenching at her sides. "But you never thought about my feelings, what I needed, if I was ready! You wanted to make a statement, and you did, Billie, you did." She sobbed, closing her eyes and turning away.

Billie was staring at her back, breathing fast, angry and wanting her at the same time. She was furious with herself, absolutely furious. She shouldn't have come here, she should have done what Johanna suggested and left it alone. But she couldn't resist; she couldn't stop herself from letting Jewl Rothschild have it.

"Please leave, Billie." Jewl pleaded, bringing a small hand to her forehead, closing her eyes tightly and trying to stop the tears.

"I'm not done." Billie said in a low voice.

Jewl spun around again, and glared at her, all the pain and the sorrow and the love suddenly turned into anger and fury. "I hate you." She said slowly, and ignored the look of surprise on Billie's face. "I hate you so much, Billie Jordan. I wish you had never been in my life. Get out." She clenched her teeth, suddenly ready to pull her own hair, feeling capable of grabbing Billie and tossing her out the window. "Get out!" She yelled, sobbing, almost doubling over as she stepped back. "Get out, get out, get out…" She kept repeating, and was almost unaware of Billie grabbing her jacket and practically running out of the room.



Billie sat on a bench in the park, the same park in which she and Johanna had married. It was a very sunny morning, and the sun reflected on her very blonde hair attractively. She was the picture of sadness, her eyes downcast, her shoulders hunched. Her hands were clasped together between her knees as she gazed at the grassy ground. She had never expected Jewl to react in the way that she did, to express a hate for her with such venom. Her eyes had expressed her words as she said them, so accurately, that Billie had just run out of there. Her still tender heart broke to pieces.

Could it be true, what Jewl said? Was she selfish, did she only think of herself? These questions played themselves through her mind over and over. She was so distracted, that she didn't realize Johanna had been calling her name until she was sitting beside her and touching her thigh. Blinking out of her reverie, startled at the touch, she looked up and met Johanna's loving gaze.

Johanna's hand remained on her thigh, and she studied Billie's eyes searchingly. On her lap sat three volumes of Real Estate books, her other hand kept them from falling. "Billie," She said in a low voice. "What's wrong?"

Billie took her hand in hers and lifted it up to her lips to kiss it. "Just thinking." She said, holding her hand cradled against her chest.

"About?"

"Mom," Billie lied, taking a deep breath.

"You miss her, don't you?" Johanna said in a low voice.

"Yes." Billie wasn't lying about missing her. She had just learned to live without her. "I wish she would get past the fact that I'm gay. You know?"

"Yes." Johanna said, moving the books from her lap to the bench, taking hold of Billie's hand again and sitting back on the bench. Their shoulders pressed together as they quietly studied the people making their way through town, many of them nodding or waving hello to them. "Speaking of," Johanna said, gesturing with her head at Billie's mother, who as always, walked across the park to her interior decoration office. She saw them, and moved further away from them, a look full of disdain on her face. They watched her for a long moment, and Johanna laughed. "You'd think that in her line of work she would be a little more tolerant."

After a long moment, Billie laughed, everything forgotten momentarily. Johanna did that for her. "So where are you going?"

"To the office." She said, sounding as if she wanted to stay here with Billie forever; and like she wanted to make love. "And you?" Her eyes spoke many words.

Billie, in complete tune with her, caught the desire in her voice. "The same…" She said, gazing at her openly. "Do you really have to go in?" Billie didn't, Margo was there; she really needed Johanna, to make love and forget about everything, even if it was only momentarily.

Johanna's breathing changed, quickening as she shook her head, her eyes fastened to Billie's lips. "Let's go home, Billie." She whispered, restraining herself from straddling her and jumping her bones right at the park. She didn't have to say it twice. Johanna picked up her books and both women jumped to their feet, almost running towards Billie's jeep.



Joseph found Jewl huddled on the bed, crying. He went to her and took her in his arms, holding her face to his shoulder. "What happened?" He whispered, feeling her shaking against him as she sobbed. He felt sympathetic tears fill his eyes and he said anxiously: "What's wrong; tell me what's wrong, please?" He rocked her back and forth.

Jewl sobbed loudly, her cries wracking her body; she couldn't speak, and even if she could, she would never tell him that Billie had been to see her.



The next week, three days before their wedding, as they packed her stuff to return home, Joseph asked Jewl if she had thought of a honeymoon, and where. Jewl was genuinely surprised at his desire for a honeymoon.

"Well," She said honestly. "I hadn't thought about it."

Joseph chuckled. "How about New York City? You've never been, right?" He said, smiling. "I can show you around, and I can show you our factory there and the office. And maybe take you to the Statue of Liberty and where ever you want to go. What do you say?" He gazed at her with his sweet eyes.

She smiled at him and touched his cheek with the backs of her fingers. "That sounds great." She said.

"Great!" He was excited and leaned over and kissed her cheek. "I need to you do something for me, though, but tell me if u don't want to. Okay?" She nodded. "You have to go see Margo, the lady that works for Billie at the agency." He watched as her eyes widened. "And you have to ask her about the best hotels for honeymoons. I can't go because of the things mom and I have to do in the next two days." He looked at her for a long moment.

Finally, very reluctantly, she nodded, wondering what was in his benevolent mind.



Continued in part VIII

Katia N. Ruiz