The next day, as Jewl made her way down the street towards Billie's agency, she thought hard. Damn, she thought to herself as she clutched her purse tightly in her grasp. She was angry with herself, she could have said no to Joseph, he would have understood. But the truth was that she wanted to see Billie again, to throw in her face that she was getting married, was even going on a honeymoon. She had never been vindictive, even during these past four years when Billie treated her as if she were garbage; she had never wanted to get back at her.

But just something about that day when Billie went to visit her at the hospital to tell her what she thought about her marrying Joseph made something inside her snap. All the pain and sorrow turned into anger and hate towards Billie, the one woman who had the power to make her suffer so much.

She would never again feel sorry for herself, and if Billie wanted to fight, she would too.

The little bell rang as she opened the door and walked in. Margo looked up from her papers, a smile softening her thin features when she saw whom it was. Jewl smiled too and glanced at Billie's desk. Unfortunately, Billie was not in, but she'd do what she came to do. Billie would hear about it anyway. "Hi," She said, extending her hand out to shake. "I'm Jewl Rothschild."

"I know, and I'm Margo Tanner." Margo said, shaking her hand. This woman was a different woman from the one who had come to see Billie that day long ago. She was more amicable, and she smiled, much thinner than she'd been then, but filling back out beautifully. "Sit down, sit down." Both women sat down, smiling. "Can I offer you some coffee or anything?"

Jewl shook her head, grinning. "No, thank you." She said politely.

Margo sat back on her chair, twining her hands. "What can I help you with then?" She asked.

"Well," Jewl began. "I'm getting married in two days."

"Yes, I heard." Margo said with a smile. "Congratulations to both you and Joseph."

"Thank you." Jewl said. "Well-"

The bells rang as Billie walked in, a paper shopping bag in her arms. She stopped short at the sight of Jewl, who was all smiles as she looked at her. Billie could see that her eyes weren't smiling, that what had one day long ago been love, sadness and pain had turned to a deep anger. "Good afternoon." She said, and moved to go to the backroom, where she put down the grocery bag. She could hear Jewl talking to Margo.

"Well, I want to find out about a romantic hotel." She was saying. "Something great for a honeymoon. Joseph and I hadn't thought about it until yesterday, so that's why I came here. Since this is the only agency in town…" She laughed.

Instantly, Margo knew that this was for Billie's benefit, so that Billie could see that she had finally made her mind up to move on, to make a life for herself. And Margo also could see that whatever feelings Jewl had once had for Billie had been replaced by something else, a need to hurt Billie. And that Billie knew it.

Listening, Billie was leaning against the little table, her hands grasping the edges and shaking. She wondered why she was feeling like she lost something important.



When Jewl left the agency, after almost an hour of indecision, Billie finally emerged from the back room, her face stony. She went to her desk and sat down, staring at all her papers and suddenly beginning to mess around with them.

Margo watched her putter about for a long moment, and she could see that Billie was clenching her jaw repeatedly and that her cheeks were flaming. She looked just about to explode. Margo leaned back on her chair and crossed her legs, looking down at a nail she had chipped that morning. "Are you sure you're okay about this, Billie?" She asked, her tone casual.

"I don't want to talk about it." Billie said immediately, her tone brusque.

Margo shrugged, sighing and leaned forward to take a reservation paper from her desk. "Suit yourself." She said in a low voice, and continued to work. She knew Billie enough to know when to leave her alone.

????

Jewl stood in the cemetery, staring down at the graves of her parents and holding a bouquet of red roses in her arms. She hadn't been there in nearly six years and it was obvious by the unkempt state of the graves. Her wedding day was looming closer and she thought she should visit her parents' graves.

"I'm getting married." She said softly, looking down at the names and dates on the graves- Jean Carl Rothschild, 1945 - 1994 and Amelia Rothschild, 1951 - 1990. Her father was dead, and he still controlled her fears and her power to make decisions. "I'm finally doing what you wanted," She continued bitterly, remembering how her father seemed to know about her relationship with Billie. How he said mean things to her, and before that, her mother.

He never really did anything to end Jewl's friendship with Billie, but he would say things about gays in general. She remembered a particular summer evening when she was still eighteen and she had returned home from spending the day with Billie. They had been making passionate love most of the day, in some secluded spot they had found in the woods to be together.

As Jewl walked into the house, she noticed her father, thinning hair a mess, watching a baseball game. His stained work shirt had been sticking out of his pants, open to reveal a paunchy stomach hardened by years of drinking.

"Where have you been?" He asked as Jewl started up the stairs, his voice calm.

Jewl stopped, and looked at her father. "Out by the lake, dad." She said.

"With whom?" He never took his eyes away from the television. A five o'clock shadow covered his cheeks and chin.

"With Billie." Jewl had whispered, hugging her bag to her chest.

He finally looked at her, his tired yellowed eyes expressionless. He had been that way, practically emotionless, ever since Jewl's mother died, even though he acted as if he didn't want her around when she was alive. "That queer?" He sneered at her.

Jewl winced at the word. "Dad, she's not-"

"Give me a break, kid," He spat, cutting her off sharply. "That kid's as queer as that Rosenbloom fag. The lot of them deserve to die. They've ruined our beautiful little town; filled it with queers…"

Jewl left him muttering to himself, close to tears.

He died a few months later, when he put a gun to his mouth and pulled the trigger.

Chapter Six



Lorna helped Jewl squeeze into the white dress Jewl and she had picked out just the day before in the dress shop. It fit her body snugly and accentuated her soft curves. During her stay in the hospital, she had begun to eat well, and filled out again. All the sharp edges that had appeared during the past four years had begun to disappear as the days closer to her wedding sped by. It was a Saturday, and the town's judge, Carl Painter, had agreed to marry them in a very small private ceremony. Afterwards, that same afternoon, practically all of Illuminations had been invited to a party at Lorna's house.

Lorna could see that Jewl was nervous as she fidgeted with her dress, asking her if she looked all right.

Lorna grinned lovingly. "You look absolutely stunning, dear." She said sincerely. She had helped Jewl pick her healthy head of hair up into a bun, pinning it with bobby pins. Ansel Johnson, Illuminations' hairstylist and makeup artist expertly applied her makeup. Of all other places, she also worked at the funeral home, applying makeup for the dead.

Jewl stopped fidgeting for the moment, and gazed at Lorna for a long moment. Her eyes suddenly filled with tears, threatening to mess up her makeup. "I love you, Lorna." She said hoarsely. "I'll do my best to make Joseph happy."

Teary-eyed, Lorna pulled her into a hug and they held each other for a long moment. Finally, Lorna let her go, and Jewl continued getting ready for the wedding, which was only a half-hour away.



Billie stood beside Joseph in front of the mirror as he studied himself nervously. He looked handsome in a black jacket and white button-down shirt and red tie, his pressed slacks fit him nicely, and his shoes were a perfectly shiny black. Billie looked relaxed in a white button down shirt and black slacks. Johanna sat by the window, wearing a knee length black slip and her hair loose over her slender shoulders, gazing at the two friends with a smile on her face. They had gotten the room as a courtesy from the judge. Jewl was in another room similar to this one.

Finally, Joseph turned away from the mirror and faced Billie. "Do I look all right?" He asked, his eyes anxious, but very happy.

Billie forced herself to smile. "You look great, Joseph." She said sincerely. She smoothed the lapel of his jacket, and touched his cheek gently. "I wish you great happiness, my friend." If anyone deserved happiness, it was Joseph. He was too good to go on single and unappreciated. Too bad Jewl had to be the one he fell in love with. I hope she knows how to make him happy.

Johanna watched her lover out of the corner of her eye. She could see that Billie was upset, and that she was trying very hard for Joseph's sake, and possibly Johanna's, not to show it. Margo had commented to her that Jewl had shown up at the agency asking about hotels with nice honeymoon suites; and that when Billie had shown up, the elation that came forth from Jewl was scary. She would have thought Jewl was happy to see Billie, wanting to get back with her, had she not seen the hate in her eyes.

Johanna figured it would come to this; Billie was going to push the woman until she would come out of her meekness and depression and make her pay for every single time Billie insulted and shunned her. At home, the same afternoon of Jewl's visit, Johanna could see that Billie seemed at a loss to how to react to Jewl's anger. The confusion on her face told Johanna a lot of things she would rather not think about.

Billie was unused to being on the other side of the stick. Johanna knew there was unresolved business where Billie and Jewl were concerned.

She sighed inaudibly. Despite her intense love for Billie, Johanna also knew that Billie wasn't perfect. Billie could be incredibly self-centered, when she wanted things done, they had to be done in that instant. It was a flaw, but that was just part of Billie's personality. Johanna knew that Billie's mother had been very selfish herself when Billie was growing up and that Billie had always done what Susan wanted, never what she herself wanted. Until she came out. And she followed in her mother's steps.

There was a short knock on the door, and Johanna turned her head to find the judge standing at the door speaking with Joseph. Billie had turned towards her and moved to sit beside her by the window. "Hey," She said in a low voice, leaning over and kissing Johanna softly. "You're quiet today."

Johanna smiled softly, and touched Billie's face with manicured fingers. "Just thinking, love." She said in a low voice. She glanced over at Joseph, who was still animatedly speaking with Judge Painter, smiling broadly. "Joseph looks so happy." She took her lover's hand into hers, and studied her.

Billie smiled at her and wrapped her arm around her waist, pulling her close and leaning to nuzzle her neck. "Yes," She said, pulling back. She looked over at Joseph and then back at her lover. "I hope she makes him happy, he deserves it."

Johanna decided to ignore the ill-concealed pain in Billie's light eyes. She leaned her head and kissed her gently on the lips. They hugged for a long moment and then Billie stood, just as Joseph was closing the door and turning back to them. "He says he's ready when we are." He said, adjusting his jacket and running a hand through his hair, effectively ruining the effect of perfectly combed hair. Billie didn't say anything; he looked better that way anyway.

Billie and Johanna both stood up, and Johanna went to him. "Well, come on, groom," Johanna said, patting his arm gently. "You're getting married."



Jewl turned around at the sound of the door knock, hands shaking.

Lorna stood from her perch on the small couch. She smiled. "It's time." She said gently, handing her the small bouquet.



Continued in part IX

Katia N. Ruiz