~ Tailspin ~
-by kd bard

DISCLAIMERS:

COPYRIGHT: Billie and Cat are my creations, Copyright by kd bard. The leading ladies resemble our two X:WP heroines. Character or name resemblance to 'real' people currently living or dead is completely coincidental. Download it, print it out and share it if you'd like, but be sure to include the disclaimers.

SUBTEXT: This story is about two women who are committed to a caring and loving relationship. Expressions of physical love are part of any normal loving union. If this type of love offends you, if you are under 18 yrs. old, or if love is illegal where you live, my sincerest sympathies to you.

VIOLENCE: None

KLEENEX RATING: 1 box

TIME LINE/CONTINUITY: This is the fourteenth installment in a modern day Uber-Xena series, starting with "The 'Commitment'" and followed by "A Family in Blood," "Personal Preferences," "Fighting City Hall," "Visions in Paradise," "What's In A Name?," "Promise Me Paradise," "While I Was Gone ...," "Unchained Memories," "Happy Campers - NOT!," "At Loose Ends," "On Solid Ground" and "Sweet Angel." The complete series can be found on my home page at http://homepages.together.net/~warriorx/WebPage.htm. Since this is a continuous series, there are events mentioned within that will not make much sense if you haven't read them all in order.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I strongly believe that love is love, regardless of how it is packaged, so please don't flame me for believing in something so wonderful... however, I do beg for constructive criticism. Please send feedback to warriorx@together.net. A very big thank you to my wonderful beta readers ... Mom, Ili, Dar, KJ, and my lovely wife, Marni. I really appreciate it. Finally, a big thank you to those who graciously host my stories and provide a forum for my expression.
kd :-)

SPECIAL NOTE: Many thanks to Enrique Iglesias and Bruce Springstein who unknowingly lent their lyrics to this story.

Tailspin

By: kd bard

Started 10/19/2001

Finished 03/25/2002

 

CHAPTER XI

"Hello?" Cat said as she brought the receiver to her ear.

"Hi Cat, Jen. Feel like some company?" Jen asked.

Cat furrowed her brow. She and Billie had left a very vulnerable and upset Jen in Fred's care that afternoon after learning she was unexpectedly pregnant with her third child. She looked across the room at Billie, who was flipping through the television channels with the remote, trying to get the dark haired woman's attention with little success. Returning to her friend on the phone, she shrugged and asked, "Jen, are you all right?"

"I'm fine.... just a little bored," she replied.

"Bored? Billie and I just left you a few hours ago. Where's Fred?" Cat asked.

"He was called back to work. He offered to stay home, but I insisted he go," Jen answered.

Cat was confused. The emotional state they had left Jen in was nothing like the chipper sounding woman on the phone with her right now. "Jen, are you sure you're okay? I mean.... you were pretty upset when we left you this afternoon," Cat explained.

"Cat, honey.... I'm fine. Fred actually left a couple of hours ago and I've spent that time thinking.... thinking about life, the baby.... all sorts of things. I'd like to talk to you and Billie about it if I could," she said, indirectly asking once more for their company.

Cat mentally slapped herself for her rudeness. "I'm sorry, Jen. I'm a real clod sometimes.... of course - we'd love for you to come over.... or we could come to you if you'd like," Cat offered.

"No.... no, I'll be over in a few. Bye!" Jen replied as she hung up the phone.

"Uhm," Cat mused out loud as she hung up the phone.

"Did you say something?" Billie asked distractedly as she continued to flip through the channels.

Cat placed her hands on her hips. "Billie, you are such a guy sometimes!" she said exasperated.

"Huh?" Billie said, throwing a quick glance at Cat before returning her attention once again to the TV.

"Aarrgghh!" Cat exclaimed, as she marched over to Billie and sat on her lap, facing her.... successfully blocking her view of the television set.

Billie looked up into Cat's impatient face. "What?" she asked innocently.

"I said you're such a guy sometimes! What is it about that remote?" Cat asked, half joking, half serious.

Billie looked at the remote in her hand, confusion written all over her face about what was bothering Cat.

"Oh, never mind," Cat said, taking Billie's face in her hands, and preventing the taller woman from looking around her to the TV. "Jen is on her way over. She says she'd like to talk to us about the baby," she said.

"Jen? Is she okay?" Billie asked.

"She sounds okay.... better than okay in fact," Cat replied.

Billie nodded. "Good," she said just as Jen's voice was heard from the kitchen.

"Hey ladies!" Jen said, announcing herself.

"In here, Jen!" Cat replied from the living room as Billie clicked the "off" button on the remote then placed it on the table beside her.

Just as Jen approached the doorway to the living room, Tara and Kelly emerged from the basement, causing Jen to jump.

"Oh... goodness, you scared me!" Jen exclaimed.

"Hi Jen," Tara said, knowing the presence of their favorite neighbor meant the ban on spending time with Karissa was bound to be lifted.

"Hey, sweetie," Jen replied, hugging the teenager.

Pulling away from Jen, Tara pulled Kelly close to her and threw an arm around her friend's shoulder. "Jen, this is Kelly.... Kelly, this is our neighbor, and my moms' best friend, Jen Swenson. She's Karissa's mom..... remember the friend I told you about?" Tara explained as she made the introductions.

"Hi!" Kelly said brightly as she extended her hand to Jen. "Nice to meet you."

"Likewise, Kelly," Jen replied as she shook the girl's hand.

"Well... I gotta walk Kelly home," she said as the pair headed toward the door. Stopping to address Jen once more, she added, "Is it okay if I call Karissa tonight? I kinda miss her."

"Sure, honey. She'd like that," Jen replied, smiling.

"Later!" Tara quipped as she pulled Kelly out the door behind her.

Making her way into the living room, she spotted her friends sitting on the couch, Cat still perched on Billie's lap.

"Hiya!" she said brightly, dropping herself down on the couch next to her friends. "Cute little friend, Tara has there," she observed. "Kind of butch... but cute."

"I made the same observation," Billie said.

"Oh stop it you two. So what if Kelly is butch. It doesn't mean she's gay," Cat said in defense of Tara's friend.

"Who said anything about her being gay?" Jen asked, looking back and forth between her friends. "Is she?"

"I think so...." Billie started.

"Billie, you don't know that. Now come on - give the poor kid a break," Cat scolded.

"All right.... all right," Billie said before turning her attention to their friend. "So, Jen.... you look a lot calmer than you did earlier today. Are you feeling better?" she asked.

"Much," Jen replied. "I've had a few hours to think.... to plan," Jen began, shifting to face her friends, crossing her legs in front of her on the couch.

"Plan?" Billie asked.

"Yeah. I figure If I'm going to have this kid, I need to start preparing for it," Jen replied. "I mean.... baby clothes, baby furniture, diapers.... I gave all that stuff away when Karissa turned three."

"So you're keeping it?" Cat said, more of a statement than a question.

Jen cocked her head sideways. "Of course. I mean, it's not like I have a choice," she replied.

"You always have a choice, Jen," Cat pointed out. "It's all a matter of what your convictions are. No one has the right to force you to have this child."

Billie looked at Cat warily, disturbed at where her wife's comments were leading the conversation.

"Cat, you don't really think I'd get rid of it, do you?" Jen asked incredulously.

"I'm not saying you would, Jen. I'm just saying that you do have a choice. It's taken women a lot of years to get to this point. Don't be willing to discount your rights so easily," Cat explained.

"I'm not going to lie to you, Cat. I can't say the thought didn't cross my mind while I agonized over my situation for the past few hours.... but in the end, I decided to make the best of it. I know I'm in for a tough nine months, but heck, if this kid turns out to be half as great as Stevie and Karissa, then I can't loose. In any case, I consider myself blessed just to be able to do this. I mean.... the thought of a life growing inside of me... this tiny being, created from love. Once I got over the initial shock, I realized how fortunate I am to be given another chance to bring a child into the world," Jen elaborated. "I know I have a choice... and I choose to have this baby," she finished indignantly.

Cat sat there, still perched on Billie's lap, grinning ear to ear.

Jen leaned forward and placed her hands on her hips. "And just what is so funny?" she asked hotly.

Cat leaned forward herself, throwing her arms around her friend and embracing her tightly. Sitting back, she wiped the wetness that had welled from her heart through her eyes and smiled brightly once more. "I'm sorry, Jen. I was hoping you'd say that. I was baiting you," she admitted. "I wanted to see if you were having this child out of loyalty instead of real desire."

"That wasn't very nice!" Billie said, standing up and intentionally dumping Cat to the floor on her rear end.

"Hey!" Cat exclaimed as Jen threw herself backward on the couch in a fit of laughter.

**********

It was early evening when the phone rang, a frantic Fred on the other end looking for his wife.

"Calm down, Fred.... she's here," Billie said into the receiver. "No.... no, she's fine... really. Okay then, we'll see you in a few. Bye."

Billie looked at Cat and Jen with raised eyebrows as she placed the receiver back onto its cradle. "That was Fred," she informed them. "He just arrived home to an empty house and immediately panicked because you weren't there," she added, looking at Jen. "He's on his way over."

Jen looked guiltily at her friends. "I guess I should have left him a note, huh?" she said sheepishly.

"That might have helped," Cat admitted.

"So how was Fred after we left this afternoon," Billie asked.

Jen rose from the couch and went to stand in front of the living room window, keeping watch for her worried husband. "He's nervous about it - just like I am, but at the same time, I can tell he's thrilled. When we first married, he talked about wanting five or six kids. He was kind of disappointed when we stopped after two," Jen explained. "Oh... there he is. I'll just meet him at the back door," she said as she made her way through the living room to the kitchen.

After Jen had left the living room, Cat, who had been sitting in the overstuffed chair, rose and snuggled up to her wife on the couch. "How about asking Fred and Jen out for dinner tonight?" Cat suggested. "You know... to make amends for standing them up two weeks ago."

"Sounds good to me," Billie replied.

"Hey Ladies!" came a male voice from the kitchen doorway.

"Hi Daddy!" Cat and Billie chimed in together before looking at each other and breaking down into laughter for their unplanned simultaneous greeting.

"Cute, girls.... cute," Fred said dryly. "How's my lady been this afternoon," he asked them as he and Jen walked arm in arm into the living room.

Cat and Billie watched as Fred led Jen to the overstuffed chair, pulled the ottoman over to her and lifted her legs onto it. Then, he perched himself on the arm of the chair facing Cat and Billie. Smiling broadly at Fred's protective nature, Cat replied. "She's been great! A lot better than earlier today."

"I hated to leave her, but the call from work was important.... and she insisted that I go," Fred said, explaining his absence earlier in the day.

"Yeah, she told us about that," Billie replied.

"Ah... Hello!? Am I invisible?" Jen asked sarcastically. "Geesh - you guys are talking about me like I'm not even here!" she complained, gesturing wildly with her arms.

Fred looked down at his wife. "Oh! I'm sorry Bunny Toes!" he apologized sweetly.

"Bunny Toes?" Billie replied is disbelief. "Bunny Toes!!!!???" she said again as Cat buried her face in the couch cushion to keep from laughing out loud.

Jen slapped Fred in the stomach with the back of her hand. "Damn it, Fred! Did you have to say that in front of Cat and Billie? Now I'm gonna have to kill them, or they'll tell the whole town!" Jen exclaimed.

"Ooops! Sorry about that... Pumpkin Lips," he teased.

"Aarrgghh!" Jen screamed setting off another round of laughter.

Finally, after several attempts to speak, Cat gained control of herself. "Okay.... Let me see if I can get this out.... Fred... Pumpkin Toes.... or is it Bunny Lips?.... anyway, Billie and I would like to invite the two of you to dinner tonight to make up for missing our date a couple of weekends ago. Sound good?" she asked.

Fred looked down at Jen. "Do you feel it up to it, hon?" he asked.

Jen readily agreed. "If it's a night off from cooking - you bet!"

"Okay, then. Let's see... it's almost 5 p.m. now," Cat said, looking at the clock on the fireplace mantle. "What do you say I call for seven o'clock reservations, then Billie and I can pick you up around 6:30 p.m.?" she suggested.

"Perfect. That gives us time to shower and get ready," Jen said, rising to her feet.

"Here... let me help you, sweetheart," Fred said, rising quickly to help Jen to her feet.

Jen smiled at her husband, then wiggled her eyebrows up and down toward her best friends. "A girl could get used to this!" she remarked as she allowed Fred to help her to her feet. "We'll be ready by 6:30 p.m.," she threw over her shoulder as they headed toward the back door.

When they heard the back door close, Billie and Cat looked at each other and grinned.

"Bunny Toes?" Billie said.

"Pumpkin Lips?" Cat replied.

Peals of laughter could be heard through the house as the ladies made their way up the stairs to get ready for their date.

**********

Tara arrived home with Karissa in tow just as Cat and Billie were getting dressed. "Mom! Ma! I'm home," she yelled up the stairs to announce her arrival.

"Wonderful!" Cat said as she descended the stairs while inserting her earrings. "Sweetie, I'd like you to watch your sister tonight while Mom and I take Jen and Fred out to dinner," she said. "Grandma was going to watch her, but seeing as you're home....," Cat began.

"Sure! I'd be happy to watch her," Tara replied brightly, causing Cat to frown.

Cat reached the bottom step and met her daughter nose to nose. "Who are you, and what have you done with my daughter?" she demanded, only half joking.

"No, really.... I don't mind watching her. 'Rissa and I were just going to watch some movies downstairs anyway, so as long as we're doing that, I can earn some money baby sitting the rugrat," she explained hopefully.

Cat nodded her head several times, hands on her hips. "I see," she replied. "All right.... I guess a couple of hours watching your sister tonight is worth a few dollars. You've got a deal," she said, extending her hand for a good faith shake, which Tara readily met.

"Cool!" Tara replied. "So where IS the rugrat?" she asked.

"She's having dinner at Missy's. I expect her home in about..... 10 minutes," she said, looking at her watch and realizing they had to leave in about 15 minutes themselves. Turning back to the teenage girls, she added, "There's plenty to eat in the refrigerator and cupboards. Help yourselves.... just make sure you clean up afterwards. Here is the phone number for the restaurant if you need us," she explained, handing over a piece of paper with a phone number on it. "Oh, and if we decide to do something after dinner, we'll call you.... and Skylar needs to be in bed by 10 p.m. okay?" Receiving nods of agreement, Cat called back up the stairs. "Billie...., Honey, we've got to go in about 10 minutes," she shouted.

"I'll be right there!" came the reply from the second story as Cat picked up the phone to cancel the baby sitting arrangements she had made with her mother.

"Oh, and Ma.... can 'Rissa spend the night?" Tara asked.

Cat smiled at her daughter. "Sure, honey, but you'd better clear that with her mom and dad first," she suggested.

Ten minutes later, with Skylar home and Tara and Karissa firmly committed to watch her, Billie and Cat set out for their date with Fred and Bunny Lips.... Pumpkin Toes..... ah.... ah.... Jen! Yeah, that's it!.... Jen.

**********

"So how do you feel about it?" Tara asked Karissa as they laid side by side on Tara's bed, drawing pictures on the ceiling with flashlights.

Karissa shrugged. "I don't know. I guess it'll be all right. I mean.... you have a little sister, and she isn't so bad," she returned.

"Skylar? She's a pain in the ass!" Tara exclaimed. "But I gotta admit, she can be pretty cute when she wants to be." A moment of silence passed between the friends as their ceiling designs became more elaborate. "So, do you want a little brother or a little sister?" she asked.

"Well, on one hand, I'd like a little sister, but then I'd have to share my room with her.... so I guess a baby brother would be good. Then Stevie can be stuck with him," she reasoned.

Tara suddenly bolted to her feet. "Ewwwwww!" she exclaimed, splaying her hands out before her.

Startled, Karissa shown her flashlight into Tara's face, looking at her friend with wide eyed excitement. "What is it?" she asked quickly.

"Do you know what this means?" Tara asked distastefully.

Karissa just shook her head side to side, very attentive to what her friend was getting at.

"'Rissa! It means you parents were doing it!" she screamed.

Now it was Karissa's turn to jump to her feet.

"Ewwwwwww!" both girls exclaimed in unison.

**********

"What a great evening!" Billie exclaimed as she followed Cat into the kitchen from the back porch. "I really missed Jen's company over the past couple of weeks."

"I know what you mean," Cat replied. "I'm glad we invited them out," she added distractedly.

"She seems to be really happy with the idea of another baby," Billie observed as they made their way through the kitchen and living room and headed toward the stairs.

"Yes she does. I just hope this pregnancy goes well for her," Cat replied as they reached the top of the stairs to the second floor, pausing for a moment to reflect on her friend's condition.

Noticing that Cat had stopped short, Billie turned to her with concern in her voice. "Cat, is everything okay?" she asked.

Cat snapped out of her reverie and looked at Billie. "Sure," she replied too quickly. "I'm fine. Just thinking about Jen," she explained, forcing a smile to her face, and being rewarded with one from Billie in return.

Without another word, they ritually checked all the bedrooms, making sure their children were safe and sound for the night.

Slowly pushing Seth's door open, they smiled as the sound of loud snoring wafted from the room, convincing them that he was indeed home and safe. Pulling the door closed behind them, they moved on to Tara's room, where they found Tara and Karissa still awake, lying side by side on their backs in Tara's bed. With the lights out, they were making designs on the ceiling with flashlights. Beams of light hit the ladies squarely in the face as they opened the door, followed by squeals of giggles coming from the bed. Throwing the door open Billie ran across the room and launched an all out tickle war against the teenagers, who promptly surrendered, knowing they were out-matched by the larger woman. Cat watched the scene from the doorway, a wistful look upon her face. When it was obvious the tickle encounter was over, she joined Billie in planting kisses on the girls' cheeks and thanking them for baby sitting duty, then bade them goodnight before moving on to Skylar's room.

They found Skylar, still fully dressed, lying across her bed, sound asleep. Quietly approaching her bed, Cat pulled off her shoes and socks as Billie turned down the covers. Very carefully, so as to not wake the sleeping child, Billie picked her up and positioned her head on the pillow while Cat pulled the blankets up around her neck. One by one, they leaned in and kissed the young child on the cheek, wishing her pleasant dreams before tiptoeing out of the room.

Once in their own room, Cat quietly closed the door then leaned against it. Billie had headed straight into the bathroom to remove her clothes and slip into a night shirt. Surprised that Cat was not right behind her, she poked her head out of the bathroom and looked around the adjoining room. "Cat?" she said, before spotting her leaning against the bedroom door. Stepping out of the bathroom, she approached Cat and stopped just in front of her. Reaching forward, she placed her fingers below Cat's chin and lifted the day dreaming woman's head so that their eyes met. "Cat?" she asked. "Honey, are you all right?"

Cat blinked back to awareness and found piercing blue eyes looking at her intently. "I'm sorry, Billie. What were you saying?" she asked.

Billie frowned. "Cat, you were leaning against the door, obviously lost in thought. Are you all right? Wanna talk about it?" she prompted the smaller woman.

Cat searched Billie's face for several moments without speaking. Finally, the words came. "Billie, how do you feel about Jen's pregnancy?" she asked.

Billie was confused. "I'm happy for her, Cat. Thrilled in fact." Came the reply. "Why do you ask?"

"Have you ever thought of having another baby?" Cat asked.

Billie's eyebrows shot into her hairline. "Me?.... I... I... Well... yeah - when Seth was young, but I haven't thought about it for a long time," she replied, confused by Cat's questions. "Cat, you're scaring me. What are you getting at?" she asked.

"You're not too old to have another one, you know," Cat pointed out.

Billie was visibly disturbed by Cat's comments. Taking her wife by the shoulders, she led her to the bed and sat her down on the edge of it. Dropping to her knees in front of Cat, Billie enveloped her wife's smaller hands between her own and looked into the red head's face. "Cat, I understand how Jen's pregnancy can spark maternal feelings in you. I half expected you to want another child after learning that Jen was pregnant, but what I don't understand is why you are so concerned about ME wanting one. If you want another child, we'll find a way to make it happen..... believe me we will.... and I would be ecstatically happy about it, but if you decide never to have another one, it won't change the way I feel about you and our family. Cat.... I love you with everything that I am. I love our kids, our home, our friends. I love our life together. I would welcome another child with open arms, but I don't NEED one to make me happy. Do you understand what I am trying to say? Cat.... you complete me.... our kids complete me. There is nothing in this world I could ask for that would make me happier than I am right now here with you. I love you Cat."

Cat maintained eye contact with Billie throughout the entire exchange, however by the end of it the veil of tears that coated her eyes impaired her vision to near blindness. Blinking rapidly, the tears overflowed, spilling across her cheeks and dropping to the front of her shirt.

Billie leaned in an kissed the tears from her wife's face, then leaned her forehead against Cat's. "Talk to me, kitten," she whispered.

"I needed to be sure, Billie," Cat began. "When we confirmed Jen's pregnancy, you were so happy for her. It made me wonder if this was something you wanted for yourself. There is nothing I would deny you, my love. You know that, don't you?" she asked, receiving a vigorous nod from Billie in reply. "I love you, Billie. I want so desperately to make you happy," she added before pausing for several moments.

"Cat?" Billie prompted once more.... knowing there was more Cat needed to say.

Cat sat back and wiped the remaining moisture from her cheeks before meeting Billie's eyes once more. "Billie.... have you felt something different about our relationship lately? Is it me, or does it feel like our lives are out of control... that something is missing?" she asked very seriously.

Once again Billie nodded, remembering all the times she had caught Cat day dreaming, absorbed in her own thoughts... unwilling to share what ever personal demon was torturing her.

Not waiting for a response from Billie, Cat continued. "After learning about Jen, and seeing how happy you were for her, I wondered if that 'missing piece' was a child," she offered.

Billie reached up and took Cat's face between her hands. "Sweetheart, what can I do to convince you that I am completely happy with you and our life?" Receiving no answer, she continued. "Cat, I feel that something HAS changed, but I don't know what it is. I sense that you are unhappy, that something is bothering you. Baby, please tell me what it is. I can't help you if you don't talk to me about it," Billie pleaded.

Cat shook her head side to side. "I don't know what it is, Billie," she said, looking up at the dark haired woman, tears and desperation spilling from her eyes. "I can't tell you if I don't know myself," she added.

The look on Cat's face was breaking Billie's heart. Pulling Cat into the circle of her arms, she held her tight, cooing words of assurance and love, rocking her back and forth until she had nearly lulled her into a light sleep. Finally, Billie held the smaller woman at arm's length and spoke to her once more. "Cat, I want to help you. I want to you look at me and our children and see hope, joy and love, not dread, heartache and anxiety. I know life hasn't been easy of late. The kids have been difficult.... and I know I have made life difficult at times over the past several months... but I am not willing to give up. I won't allow us to lose what we have. Sweetheart, I am going to call your dad tomorrow and ask for the name of a good doctor.... someone you can open up to.... someone who can help you... and I will be there with you every step of the way. Okay?" she asked.

Cat just nodded as new tears coursed down her face.

"Good," Billie replied. "Now, let's go to bed. We're both tired."

With great care, Billie reached out and removed Cat's clothing, finally slipping an oversized T-shirt over her head, then tucked her into bed. Climbing in beside her wife, she reached over to extinguish the light, then gathered the smaller woman into her arms. Humming softly, Billie recalled the words of a newly released song that Cat loved to listen to.

Singing softly, Billie felt Cat relax in her arms and drift off to Elysia.

*********************************************************************************************

CHAPTER XII

Billie spent the next two days keeping things as calm as possible for Cat, encouraging her to stay in bed and rest. Cat enjoyed writing, but with the hectic nature of their lives, she had precious little time for such activities. However, with time on her hands this weekend, Billie encouraged her to do just that.... to write about their lives and about the things that were bothering her... hoping through her writing to gleam some clues to help them through this troubling time.

Over coffee Saturday morning, Jen learned of Cat's distressed state, and for the rest of the weekend, she insisted on staying close in case Cat needed her. A bit taken back by Jen's persistence, Billie finally came to realize that her wife might be more willing to discuss her troubles with Jen than with her.... especially if Cat was looking for an impartial opinion. Billie was certainly too close to the situation to be unbiased. All in all, it turned out to be an uneventful weekend while Cat slept and wrote, and the other two ladies entertained the kids and each other.

At one point during the weekend, Billie called Doc and filled him in on Cat's behavior, agreeing with the experienced doctor's advice to schedule a full physical for his daughter as well as a visit to a counselor. Billie made the appointments as soon as she arrived at work on Monday. As luck would have it, Cat being Doc O'Grady's daughter had its perks, as Billie was able to secure the physical for Cat on the following Wednesday afternoon and a session with the counselor on that Friday.

When Billie called Cat at work to inform her of the scheduled visits, Cat was reluctant to go, claiming that her melancholy was bound to be 'just a phase' that would pass with time. Unwavering, Billie insisted, and immediately rearranged her own schedule so that she would be able to accompany Cat to the appointments.

Wednesday morning rolled around, and as usual, Cat was reluctant to get out of bed at the sound of the alarm. It took several nudges by Billie, both verbal and physical, to get the smaller woman moving that morning.

"Cat, sweetheart, it's getting late. They'll start your first surgery without you if you don't get you butt into gear," Billie warned as Cat sat on the edge of bed, eyes closed, and her head resting on her right shoulder.

"I'm moving... I'm moving," Cat complained as she dragged herself out of bed and headed for the shower.

Worry etched Billie's brow as she watched Cat sluggishly move across the room. Cat was never an early bird..... always requiring a nudge or two to get her moving in the morning, but this was different. This was more than wanting a few extra zzz's after the alarm went off.... this was a serious reluctance to enter the human race. This was fueled by a strong desire to seclude herself from the world, and for someone as social and outgoing as Cat normally was, this behavior was a significant reason for Billie to be concerned.

Billie leaned her backside against the bathroom sink while Cat showered, keeping her wife company and doing what she could to strike up a conversation with the unusually stoic woman.

"Cat, don't forget you have a physical scheduled for this afternoon... two o'clock," Billie reminded the smaller woman.

Cat stood under the spray and allowed her head to fall back in exasperation. "Billie.... I really don't want to keep that appointment," she whined.

"You have to, Cat. Honey, we need to understand why you've been feeling out of sorts lately. Being a doctor, you should understand that," Billie pointed out.

Cat just groaned in response.

"I'll pick you up in front of the hospital at 1:30 p.m.. That should give us enough time to reach Dr. O'Brien's office before 2:00," Billie offered.

"Billie, I think I can make this appointment by myself.... I am a grown woman after all," Cat complained.

"Yes, you are," Billie agreed, "but you are a grown woman who tends to put her needs last.... and in this case, that won't do. I'll be there at 1:30 p.m.... and I don't want to hear an argument about it, okay?" she added vehemently.

Billie waited several moments for Cat to answer - to no avail.

"Cat?" Billie said, expecting a response from her stubborn wife.

"All right! All right! 1:30 p.m.... I heard you," Cat said sharply.

Billie dropped her face into her hands and sighed just as Cat shut off the water and slid the shower door open. Billie looked up.

"Cat, sweetheart, I don't want to fight with you.... I just want to help. I'm concerned about you love.... I'm scared to death of losing you, and I will do every thing in my power to prevent that. Going to this appointment with you is more for me than for you..... can you understand that?" she asked, her voice breaking.

Standing there naked, covered with tiny drops of moisture and with streams of water running down her face from her soaking wet hair, Cat furrowed her brow and looked at her wife. After several moments of silence, Cat held out her hand. "May I have a towel?" she asked, immediately setting Billie into motion.

Quickly grabbing a towel for Cat, Billie held it open as the smaller woman stepped out of the shower and allowed herself to be enveloped in white fluffiness. Wrapping the towel completely around Cat, Billie held her close, breathing in her freshly showered scent, tears filling her eyes as her heart and mind acknowledged how right this felt... to be standing there, holding the woman she loved. A shudder of fear and uncertainty shook her body as she released Cat and began to towel dry tender skin while Cat stood there, relatively unresponsive.

A short time later, Billie stood on the back porch and waved as Cat pulled her car out of the driveway and headed off to work. Billie continued to wave until the car was out of sight.... never once having received a wave in return.

**********

Billie sat distractedly at her desk for most of the morning, trying hard to concentrate on the folder sitting before her. She had an 11:00 a.m. court appearance to state Shannon and Julie's case before the judge, and had to make a supreme effort to keep her mind on business... and not on Cat, as she prepared for the hearing.

Billie felt particularly confident about winning this case based on legal merit alone, however, if the attorney for the prosecution.... or the judge for that matter, decided to turn this into a case about the morality of homosexual adoptions, then she would have her work cut out for her. Luckily for her, she had fought and won her own case years earlier, for the right to same-sex marriage, and subsequently, her adoption of Tara and Skylar, and Cat's adoption of Seth. She planned to use these events as precedents if necessary. What bothered Billie is why this case had progressed as far as it had. With the legal precedence already established, it should have never made it to court.

Looking at the clock on her desk, an uneasiness settled in the pit of her stomach as she closed the folder in front of her and prepared to leave for court.

**********

"All rise and come to order. The court of the Honorable Judge Jonathan P. Willms is now in session," came the cry from the bailiff as a distinguished looking gentleman in a black robe entered the courtroom from a door adjacent to the bench and sat in the high-backed chair behind it.

Shannon and Julie shifted nervously in their seats beside Billie. Giving her clients reassuring glances, Billie then looked over to the opposing attorney's table and was met by a smug grin. He knows something I don't! came the disturbing thought.

"Now hearing, the case of Shannon and Julie Crawford Nash vs. Mr. and Mrs. Howard Crawford," the bailiff announced.

"All right, Ms. Charland, Mr. Mercier, I have read the case, and I believe I understand the issues. I will however, interrupt you with questions if necessary. Is that clear?" the judge asked both attorneys.

"Yes, your Honor," came the nearly simultaneous response from both Billie and the prosecutor.

"Fine then. Ms. Charland, you may begin with your opening statements," the judge instructed.

"Thank you, your Honor," Billie said as she collected a few papers from the table and walked out in front of the bench.

"Your Honor, I am at a loss as to why this case had made it to this level. Based on State Statutes, Title 15A, Chapters 1 through 7, Shannon Nash has the legal right to adopt her partner's 7 year old daughter, Kacie Crawford. Let me explain....," Billie continued. "Chapter 2, Adoption of Minors, subchapter 1, Placement of minors for Adoption, indicates the following. First, the statute requires that a minor be placed for adoption only by a parent having legal and physical custody of the minor. In this case, that parent is Julie Crawford Nash. Second, that parent has the legal right to place a minor for adoption if the other parent's whereabouts are unknown and/or if the other parent has not exercised his or her legal visitation rights for two or more consecutive years. In this case, the other parent is Kacie's father, Gary Crawford, who has not been seen for the past seven years. Furthermore, the statute allows the parent with legal custody to place a minor for adoption if the other parent provides written consent, which Julie has done.

"Our state statutes further indicate that the court may order a termination of rights if the other parent has failed or neglected to provide regular and substantial support for the child for a period of two or more years, or if the other parent has not visited, contacted, nor communicated with the child for a period of two or more years. I would like to point out to the court that because of his disappearance seven years ago, the court has already awarded Julie Crawford Nash a divorce based on desertion, and has awarded her full legal custody of her daughter, Kacie. Had it not been for Mr. Crawford's parents, the plaintiffs in this case, objecting to Shannon Nash adopting their granddaughter, it is highly probable that legal termination of Gary Crawford's parental rights, and a legal adoption would have been granted at that time as well."

Billie paused and walked back to her table where she lifted a glass of water to her lips and drank sparingly. Returning the glass to the table, she winked at Shannon and Julie, then turned to face the judge once more.

"If I may continue, your Honor, Shannon Nash fully realizes the consequences of adopting Kacie Crawford. She has made a long-term commitment to Kacie's mother through legal marriage just three months ago, and is willing to make that same long-term commitment to Kacie. She understands that she will be come legally, morally and financially responsible for this child until she reaches the age of 18. She fully accepts this responsibility, as she has done since Kacie was four months old, the age of the child when her biological father deserted her and her mother. Ms. Nash truly loves this child and already considers herself to be the child's mother. This adoption is merely a legal formality designed to protect the child's future.

"As you know, Your Honor, this fine state of ours allows homosexuals to marry. With a marriage certificate, Shannon and Julie Nash are legally entitled to all the rights of heterosexual married couples, including the right to fair and just consideration in adoption proceedings. I should point out that in adoption cases involving prospective heterosexual parents, sexual preferences are NEVER an issue, so it should not be an issue in any cases involving prospective homosexual parents.

"Mr. and Mrs. Crawford seem to be concerned that Shannon and Julie Nash can not give their granddaughter a "normal" family life. Your Honor, gay parents express the very same feelings about what is necessary for a successful family that heterosexual parents do.... love, care and respect. In other words, it is the quality of parenting which matters above all else - even above the gender of the parents.

"For the past five years, Shannon and Julie Nash, and Kacie Crawford have been living happily as a family. It is not in the child's best interest for the court to turn her over to her fraternal grandparents when she has enjoyed a stable, healthy, and happy family life for many years. We encourage the court to consider the facts of this case, to immediately terminate Gary Crawford's parental rights, and to consider Shannon Nash's petition for the adoption of Kacie Crawford with legal, swift, and unbiased due process. Thank you, your Honor," Billie concluded before returning to her table.

Shannon and Julie greeted Billie with broad smiles as she approached them.... fully confident in their lawyer and their case. As Billie sat, the judge called for the prosecution to make their opening statements.

"Thank you, your Honor. I will make this brief," John Mercier said as he approached the bench. "Quite simply, Mr. and Mrs. Howard Crawford feel that their granddaughter's future would be better served if she were raised in a home with not only a loving mother figure, but a loving father figure as well. Mr. and Mrs. Crawford mean no ill will to Shannon Nash, nor do they mean to damage the reputations of either of these women, but the fact still remains that they are both women and can not provide the type of balance seen in a normal, healthy family."

"Mr. Mercier, you DO understand that there is legal precedence in this state for gay and lesbian couples to adopt children?" Judge Willms asked.

"Yes, your Honor, we do understand that. However, we have ample evidence and testimony to prove that Mr. and Mrs. Crawford will be able to provide the type of well balanced, healthy home environment children need to be raised in. I beg the court's patience, but I assure you, we will prove our case shortly," the prosecuting attorney replied.

Billie eyed John Mercier suspiciously as Judge Willms allowed him to continue.

"In conclusion, your Honor, we believe that Shannon and Julie Nash have provided young Kacie Crawford with an adequate home to date, however, as she progresses through elementary school, and then into high school, it will become increasingly important that her father's presence is felt in her life. Mr. and Mrs. Howard Crawford believe they can provide that for her, and we will strive to prove that point in the next hour. Thank you, your Honor," Mercier concluded as he once more shot a smug look at Billie, then returned to his seat.

"Billie! They can't do that, can they? I mean, it's sexual discrimination, isn't it?" Shannon whispered hoarsely in Billie's ear, her tone very clearly conveying her agitated state.

"Shannon, you need to calm down. We have the law on our side. This is a sure win for us... unless Julie's in-laws have something up their sleeve. If there's anything you haven't told me, now's the time to do it," Billie replied.

The judge allowed the prosecutor to sit before picking up his gavel and bringing it down on the strike plate. "This promises to be an interesting case. Ms. Charland, you have the floor. Call your first witness," he announced before sitting back in his chair.

Billie's attention was drawn from Shannon to the case at hand when the judge mentioned her name. Rising to her feet, she straightened her skirt and placed her fingertips on the table. "Your Honor, I call Shannon Nash to the stand," she said, continuing to look straight at the judge as Shannon took the stand and pledged to tell the truth.

Walking around the table, Billie approached Shannon. Stopping directly in front of her, she made eye contact with her client and asked her first question. "Ms. Nash, how long have you known your wife, Julie?"

"I've known Julie since we were in grade school. She was my best friend," Shannon replied.

"How long have you been in love with her?" came the next question.

Shannon looked across the room to where Julie was sitting at the defendant's table and smiled. "I have always loved her," she replied, "but I didn't realize I was IN love with her until high school."

"And did she return that love?" Billie asked.

Shannon looked at Billie, wondering why she would ask a question that had a negative response. Looking once more and Julie and then back to Billie, Shannon answered. "No, she didn't. At least not right away."

"And why is that, Ms. Nash?" came Billie's next comment.

"For several reasons," Shannon began. "She had been dating Gary for a few months when I told her how I felt. I could see how he treated her and I was hoping she would see my love as a way out of her relationship with him."

"And just how did he treat her?" Billie prompted.

Shannon gripped the top of the railing so hard her knuckles turned white as she recalled the painful memories. "He beat her," came the simple reply.

"Beat her?" Billie repeated. "Can you elaborate?"

"Gary was a jock... full of self importance... more concerned with his self image than anything else. Julie was his trophy. She was.... and still is, a beautiful woman, and was extremely popular with both the boys and girls at school... so of course, he had to have her. He did his best to win her over. He sent her flowers, arranged for her to have a special seat at the school football games, escorted her to the senior prom. By the middle of their senior year, she had committed herself to him. By the end of the school year, she was pregnant with Kacie, and he was feeling trapped. He blamed her for the pregnancy and felt forced into marrying her," Shannon explained.

"So when did you enter into the picture, Ms. Nash?" Billie asked.

"Like I said, Julie and I were best friends. She told me everything. She told me how she hated being alone with him because his treatment of her in private was very different from when they were in public. He was sadistic.... pulling her hair, pinching her, burning her with his cigarettes. The final straw came when she told him she was pregnant. He beat her... called her a whore and claimed the child wasn't his." Shannon paused to breathe deeply and regain control of emotions.

"I was the one she called that night when he left her lying behind the bleachers in the football field, barely able to stand. He was smart though.... he was careful not to hit her where the bruises would show. It was then that I told her how I felt about her. I begged her to stay away from Gary. I promised to take care of her and the baby for the rest of our lives. She allowed me to take her home with me that night. I called her mother and asked if she could stay over. Like I said, she and I were best friends, so her parents thought nothing of her spending the night. I held her all night as she cried and trembled. It broke my heart to see her in such pain," Shannon finished.

"Did she profess her love for you that night?" Billie asked.

Shannon nodded her head. Reaching up to wipe away the tears that had escaped her lids during the painful recall, she looked across the room once more and met Julie's gaze. "Yes, she did," came the reply.

After a short pause, Billie continued with her questions. "Julie married Gary against your wishes anyway, and despite the fact that she was in love with you. Why was that?"

"I wondered that myself at first. I had offered to take care of her and the baby.... to raise and love the child as my own. I went away to college feeling betrayed. It wasn't until later.... until after Gary had repeatedly mistreated her through their marriage, and after he had deserted Julie and Kacie, that I learned Julie had made that decision for my benefit. She didn't want to ruin my future... so she had decided to accept the hand that fate had dealt her by marrying Gary." Once more, Shannon took a deep breath and reined in her emotions.

"So, after Gary deserted her....," Billie prompted.

"After Gary deserted her, I transferred to the state college close to home, found a part time job, and helped to support them while I finished school. Julie and Kacie lived with Julie's parents until I graduated, but I helped out financially as much as possible. When I graduated, Julie and Kacie were there, sitting in the front row, beaming with pride. Just moments after I accepted my diploma, I asked Julie to marry me. Because she was legally married to Gary, we had to wait out the seven years required to have him declared legally dead, releasing her from their marriage," Shannon explained.

Billie walked a few steps away from the bench, then turned around to face Shannon once more. "Ms. Nash, if you would, describe for the court your living arrangements with Julie and Kacie for the past five years," Billie instructed.

"Well, like I said, Gary had to have been missing for seven years before he could be declared legally dead. By the time I graduated, two of the seven years had already passed. For the next five years, Julie, Kacie and I lived together as a family. I love Kacie as though she had come from my own womb. In every respect except the biological, she is my child. Three months ago Julie's divorce was finalized, and we were married - legally. Now we want to make our family complete with my adoption of Kacie." Shannon sat back in her seat, emotionally exhausted from her explanation.

During Shannon's explanation, Billie had made her way back to the defendant's table and had leaned her backside against it, crossing her ankles and arms in front of her. "So, Ms. Nash, are there other factors involved that have led you to enter this petition for adoption?" she asked.

Shannon nodded. "Yes. In fact, the primary reason for the petition is to protect Kacie. You see, unless I legally adopt her, my health insurance does not cover her, nor is she protected from being placed in foster care if something were to happen to Julie. Your Honor," Shannon said, turning her plea to the judge, "I love this child and her mother with all my heart. I have been there for her since she was four months old. Together, Julie and I have given her a stable, loving home.... she has known nothing else. Please don't take our little girl away from us," Shannon ended, her voice breaking with unshed emotion.

Julie had given up all efforts to control her own emotions as loud sniffles could be heard coming from the defendant's table, drawing the judge's eyes in that direction.

Looking back to Shannon, Judge Willms spoke. "Is that all Ms. Nash?" he asked. Seeing Shannon nod affirmatively, he turned to the prosecution. "Do you wish to question this witness, Mr. Mercier?" he asked.

The prosecuting attorney rose quickly to his feet. "No questions, your Honor," he replied.

"You may step down, Ms. Nash," Judge Willms instructed. Turning to Billie, he added, "Call your next witness, Ms. Charland."

"The defendants wish to base this case on legal precedence, your Honor, not on the moral platform the plaintiffs wish to pursue. We believe the law clearly states that Ms. Nash has the right to petition the courts for the adoption of her legal partner's daughter, given the girl's biological father has had his parental rights terminated. We believe Gary Crawford's desertion seven years ago constitutes cause for the termination of those rights, and we respectfully ask the court to grant that termination, and accept Ms. Nash's petition for adoption. There are no other legal facts to be presented in this case, your Honor. The defense rests," Billie stated as she seated herself beside Shannon and Julie.

"Very well, Ms. Charland. Mr. Mercier, you may call your first witness," Judge Willms instructed the prosecutor.

John Mercier rose to his feet and with much fanfare, waved his arm in the direction of the door at the back of the courtroom. "I call, Gary Crawford to the stand," he said loudly.

Julie froze as Shannon's head snapped around to the back of the room. "Oh my god," she said just loud enough for Billie to hear as a well dressed, clean shaven, still handsome Gary Crawford walked into the courtroom.

Billie was immediately on her feet. "Objection! Your Honor, the defense was not informed of this witness, and we are unprepared to cross examine him at this time. I respectfully request a recess."

Judge Willms looked at the prosecuting attorney with raised eyebrows, clearly expressing his disapproval of such theatrical tactics in his courtroom. Lifting the gavel, he brought it down loudly on the strike pad. "Request approved. Mr. Mercier, Ms. Charland, I expect to see you both in my chambers in five minutes. We will discuss a delay in the proceedings at that time."

Billie busied herself gathering her papers while Julie sat in shock and Shannon went into panic mode.

"Billie! Holy shit! Can they do that? Oh my God! Can he take Kacie away from us? Please don't let that happen," Shannon ranted.

Turning to Shannon, Billie placed both hands on her client's shoulders and urged her back into the chair beside Julie. "Shannon, panicking will get us nowhere. I will get to the bottom of this, I promise. Right now, I want you to take Julie home.... she needs you now - more than ever. Okay?" Billie instructed.

Shannon turned to look at Julie who sat rigidly by her side, gripping the edge of the table, eyes staring straight ahead, trembling. "Jules," Shannon said softly. "Come on, honey. Let's go home."

Julie looked at Shannon and allowed a trail of tears to run down her face. Nodding slightly, she rose to her feet and allowed Shannon to lead her out of the courtroom, avoiding the gaze of Gary Crawford as she passed.

Moments later, Billie paced back and forth in front of Judge Willms' desk, gyrating wildly as she read John Mercier the riot act. Judge Willms sat back and watched the tirade play out before him. "John.... how could you do this? You know in your heart that this child is better off with her mother. Where in god's name did you find him? My clients have tried for seven years to locate this man, and suddenly, he appears on the day his daughter is placed for adoption. This smells pretty dirty to me," she accused.

"Billie, it's my job to represent my client to the best of my ability," Mercier replied. "Mr. and Mrs. Crawford produced him at the last minute - miraculously it seems. He IS the child's father after all."

"Its a dirty trick and you know it!" accused Billie. Resuming her pacing, she ran her hand through her hair. "I need time to prepare for this witness.... you owe us that much, John," she demanded.

"How much time do you need, Ms. Charland?" Judge Willms asked, drawing her attention away from the prosecutor.

Billie thought for a moment and then asked for a week's extension, which the judge readily granted.

After thanking the judge for his consideration, she grabbed her briefcase and headed for the door. John Mercier was on his feet quickly, reaching for the door handle before she could. Opening the door, he stepped back and gallantly gestured for her to pass through ahead of him. Before doing so, Billie stopped directly in front of the man and glared at him. "I play by the book, John. If you do anything underhanded, so help me god, I'll see you disbarred," she warned before stomping out of the room.

John Mercier was intelligent enough to take Billie's threat seriously, as he swallowed hard and smiled weakly at her before following her out of the judge's chambers and closing the door behind him.

Judge Willms sat back in his chair and looked at the closed door. Clasping his hand together in front of him, he smiled in admiration of the tall, beautiful attorney who did her job so passionately.

*********************************************************************************************

CHAPTER XIII

Billie rushed out of the courthouse with barely a moment to spare as she raced toward the hospital to pick Cat up for her doctor's appointment. Cat was waiting for her when she pulled up to the curb.

"Sorry I'm late, love. I've had a really bad morning," Billie apologized as Cat climbed into the car.

Cat sat in the passenger seat, nervously worrying her fingers into knots. Seeing her wife's distress, Billie reached over and covered Cat's hands with one of her own. "Sweetheart, are you all right?" she asked tenderly.

Cat looked at Billie, a hint of tears in her eyes. "Billie, I don't want to go to this appointment. I have a bad feeling about it," she admitted.

"All the more reason to go, Cat. We need to get to the bottom of what's bothering you, and ruling out physical causes is the first step. I'll be there with you, love," she replied soothingly.

Cat just nodded her head and continued to worry her hands as Billie drove through traffic to the doctor's office. Once inside, Cat sat in the waiting room in the same worried state as Billie took care of checking her in and filling out insurance paperwork. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Cat was called into an examination room. Within moments, she had stepped on a scale, produced a urine sample, and stripped down to near total nakedness, donning a hospital gown that did little to cover her up. Sitting on the end of the examining table, she allowed the nurse to take her temperature, pulse and blood pressure before once more being left alone with Billie to wait for the doctor's arrival. Billie's stomach was in knots with anticipation of what the doctor would find. She could only imagine how Cat felt.

"Hey there!" said a cheery voice from the doorway as a very bubbly Dr. O'Brien entered just a few minutes later.

Dr. Patricia O'Brien was a gregarious physician, full of life and laughter. Her easy bedside manner immediately put Billie at ease, but did little to calm Cat's tender emotions. Immediately sensing the tension in the room, Dr. O'Brien set out to dispel it.

"Well Cat.... Billie - it's nice to see you again. Are you here for a physical, or is there a specific reason you're gracing me with your beautiful presence today?' she asked.

Cat looked at Dr. O'Brien with a worried expression on her face and said nothing. Coming to her rescue, Billie offered an explanation for their visit.

"Patty, we're here because Cat has been out of sorts of late.... more emotionally than physically, but Doc suggested we start with a complete physical to see if there is some underlying condition that might be causing her problems," Billie explained.

"Ah... Doc. How is the old codger these days?" Patty asked playfully. Without waiting for an answer, she turned to Cat and addressed her directly. "So, Cat.... talk to me. What has been bothering you lately?"

Cat shrugged, looking down rather than meeting Patty's eyes head on. Reaching under her chin, Patty lifted Cat's face so she could see her eyes. "Cat?" she prompted.

Cat started to cry, causing Billie to fight back tears of her own. "I don't know," the tearful woman replied. "I just don't know. My life is so overwhelming lately.... I feel like I am out of control.... like my life is in a tailspin," she explained. "I'm so afraid of pushing Billie and the kids away, and I don't know how to stop it," she admitted.

Billie reached over and took Cat's hand. "Kitten, I'm not going anywhere. You get that thought right out of your mind. Okay?" she said reassuringly, which only caused Cat to cry harder, and even brought a tear to the corner of Patty's eyes.

Patty cleared her throat. "Okay. Well, let's have a look at you," she said as Cat laid back on the table. Patty started with the normal examination.... heart, lungs, reflexes, digestive track, all of which checked out well within acceptable ranges. "So far, everything looks good," she said as she instructed Cat to place her heels in the stirrups. Several uncomfortable moments later, the pap smear was complete and a positive sounding report issued from the doctor about the state of her reproductive system. "Okay, one more thing," she said as she pulled the gown from Cat's shoulders. Placing Cat's left hand behind her head, she did a thorough exam of her left breast, nodding her approval as she went along. Moving to the right breast, she began her examination, and stopped short seconds into it. A concerned look crossed her brow as she locked eyes with Billie sitting across the room. A look of panic immediately crossed Billie's face. Continuing the exam, Patty thoroughly maneuvered Cat's breast tissue around until she returned to the spot she had started and then started a second trip around the breast, once again stopping in the same spot she had before.

Alarmed at the noticeable change in Patty's demeanor, Cat demanded an explanation. "What is it?" she asked shakily before looking over to Billie and noticing the white pallor on her wife's face - further confirming that something was not quite right. Grabbing Patty's hand, she demanded eye contact with the doctor. "Patty?" she said forcefully.

Patty stood erect and looked at both Cat, and then Billie. Returning her gaze to Cat, she explained. "Cat, I can feel a lump in your right breast. It is about the size of a pea and it's located right here," Patty said as she took Cat's hand and directed it to the upper left quadrant of Cat's right breast, just to the left of center. "I doubt very much that this is causing the emotional trauma you seem to be experiencing of late, but it is serious enough that we must do further tests. Do you understand?" she asked.

Cat felt around in the spot indicated by Patty and could indeed feel the lump. Billie was on her feet instantly when she saw the terror cross Cat's face. Placing her hand above Cat's, she too located the lump quite easily. Cat scanned Billie's face carefully for verification, and once she had it, reality sunk in.

"I'm going to be sick," she said as her emotions and stomach played tag team mutiny, causing her to retch into the basket that Patty produced just in time to avoid a mess. Billie wrapped her arms around the smaller woman and held her as she allowed her nerves to purge her system. After a few moments, the retching ceased and Cat laid down weakly on the table, clutching tightly to one of Billie's hands.

"I'm sorry," Cat said, apologizing for her sudden sickness.

Patty was by her side in an instant, pushing back the bangs from Cat's now clammy forehead. "It's all right, Cat. That's a pretty normal reaction to news like this.

For a few moments, no one spoke as Cat struggled to regain control of her emotions.

Finally, she was able to speak again. "Is it cancer?" she asked weakly.

Patty replied as honestly as she could. "We don't know yet, Cat. There is a whole series of tests we'll have to do first," she explained.

Cat nodded and both she and Billie fought to hold the tears back.

"Cat, how often do you do self breast exams?" Patty asked.

"She's pretty good about doing them monthly," Billie answered for her. "In fact, she usually reminds me when its time to do one. The last time was about..... two weeks ago."

Patty nodded. "If it wasn't there two weeks ago, then it's either a cyst, or a fast developing tumor of some sort," she explained. "If it is a cancerous tumor that can be contained to the breast, the survival rate is 85% to 90%. If the disease spreads beyond the breast the survival rate drops to about half that," she continued, "so if it is cancer, hopefully we've caught it early.... and early diagnosis almost always improves the chances of a cure. I'm going to send you across the hall for a mammogram before you leave today. Hopefully we'll have the results in a couple of days, then we can plan our next step from there. I'll be right back," she said as she left the room to schedule the x-ray.

Cat's emotions were bordering on a state of shock as she started to tremble. Allowing Billie to help her into a sitting position, she clung to the taller woman for dear life. Neither woman spoke as they held each other, scenarios of what this could mean flying across their conscious minds.

Finally, Cat broke the silence. "Billie.... I don't want to die," she said before breaking down into violent sobs. "My babies.... what will happen to my babies" she cried.

Billie gulped deeply, willing herself not to cry, realizing she had to be strong for Cat. "Cat, sweetheart, you are not going to die. Baby, I won't let you. We are destined to be together... I won't let you leave me," Billie said, trying desperately to calm the nearly hysterical woman. "Shhhh..... it's going to be okay, my love. This could be nothing. Kitten, please don't give up. I need you." Finally, after several moments, Cat became calmer and the crying subsided. Billie continued to hold her close.... so close, she could feel Cat's heart beating through her own chest.

"Okay ladies, follow me," Patty said as she returned to lead them to the mammography lab.

Upon their arrival, Patty introduced them to the radiology technician and explained the procedure to Cat. "Cat, you're a little young to have had your first mammogram, so I'll just explain the procedure to you. This here is the x-ray machine. You'll need to stand against it and place your breasts, one at a time on this surface. The technician will then compress your breast tissue from above with as much force as you can physically tolerate, and an x-ray will be taken. The compression will be released and then another film will be taken compressing the breast from the sides rather than from above. The procedure will then be repeated on the other breast. Any questions so far?" she asked. Receiving none, she continued. "Okay then. Oh.... one more thing.... the higher the compression you can tolerate, the better the film will be. We don't want to make you too uncomfortable, but the plain truth is, if you can tolerate the discomfort level for 5 or 10 seconds, the results will be more conclusive."

Cat's emerald green eyes were wide and full of fear as she clutched the gown tightly in front of her. She nodded, unable to speak for fear of breaking down into tears again.

"Billie," Dr. O'Brien said, causing Billie to jerk around nervously. "You can wait across the hall. You're not allowed to be in here while x-rays are being taken. After the films are done, you and Cat can go home. I'll call when we know something."

Billie also nodded, unable to speak. Approaching Cat, she took the smaller woman into her arms and held her tight. "It will be okay, Cat.... I promise," she said before placing a kiss on Cat's head and leaving the room.

Billie paced back and forth across the waiting room, unable to sit for more than a few seconds at a time. Fear tore at her heart.... fear that she actually might lose Cat. Bringing her hands up in front of her, she clasped them together as she walked. Please don't take her away from us. The kids need her... I need her. I can't live without her. By the gods, please spare her, Billie pleaded as she wore a path across the rug, tears blurring her vision.

Moments later, a very emotionally fragile and vulnerable Cat was led to the waiting room by the x-ray technician.

"She did great," the woman told Billie. "She was able to take full compression." To Cat, she added, "Caitlain, I'll need you to sit for a moment while I develop the film to determine if we need to take any more slides. Okay?"

Still clutching the robe in front of her, Cat once again nodded. As soon as the technician was gone, Cat fell into Billie's arms.

Wrapping herself completely around Cat, Billie held her close, laying her head on top of Cat's. Neither woman was able to speak as they stood there together, sharing their love.... sharing their fear.

They were still standing like that when the technician poked her head back into the room. "Okay... we're all set. The doc should be here in the next day or two to read the films. We'll call you with the results as soon as we get them.... good or bad. Unless you have questions, you can go ahead and get dressed," she said.

**********

Cat was quiet all the way home, leaning against the passenger door, arms crossed in front of her, staring out the window. After several attempts to get her to speak, Billie finally gave up, realizing she needed to sort out the chaos that their lives had become.

By the time they had reached home, it was nearly 4:00 p.m. Entering the house, Cat walked directly through the living room to the second story staircase, climbing it quickly and headed to their bedroom where she threw herself across the bed and began sobbing violently. Billie followed close behind, not wanting to leave her alone with her misery.

Cat's sobs were heard throughout the upper floor of their home, drawing Tara and Skylar out of Sky's bedroom where the girls were listening to music and reading.

"Mom?" Tara said, standing at the ladies' closed bedroom door. "Mom, is everything all right?" she said, clearly expecting the answer to be no, based on the sounds coming from behind the door. After a few moments with no response, she tried another approach. "Mom, you're scaring Skylar," she added.

"Tara.... Mama isn't feeling well," Billie replied shakily. "I'll be out soon to fix dinner for you and Sky. Okay, honey?"

Tara narrowed her eyes at the response. She didn't believe Billie for a moment.

"Tara... what's wrong with Mama?" Skylar asked in her little-girl voice.

Tara turned to look at her sister. "I don't know, Sky.... but I think I know how to find out," she replied before heading for the stairs.

**********

Tara paced back and forth across the kitchen until she heard footsteps on the porch. Going to the back door, she opened it wide and admitted Jen.

"Where are they?" she asked, noticing the worried look in Tara's eyes.

"In their room," Tara replied, sending Jen on a mad dash for the stairs.

Reaching the end of the hall, Jen knocked loudly on the door. "Billie! Billie, it's Jen. I'm coming in," she warned before grabbing the handle and pushing the door open. There before her was Cat sitting on the bed, her face puffy and ravaged with tears, and Billie, sitting beside her..., her body slumped over in a defeated posture, hands clasped tightly in front of her. Fear radiated from both women.

Grabbing the handle once more, she turned to gently close the door and saw Tara and Skylar standing worriedly in the hall. Smiling at them to dispel their fears, she pushed the door closed then turned to face her friends.

"Out with it," she demanded.

Billie looked at Jen and started crying. She had been trying so hard to stay strong for Cat, but Jen had managed to break through her defenses with just a glance. Jen approached her friends and she sat between them, throwing her arms around them both. Both women leaned in toward their friend and allowed themselves to be held. "Talk to me," Jen said hoarsely.

Finally, Billie sat up and wiped her face. Looking at Jen, she took her friend's hand and said very shakily, "Cat had a physical today..... they found a lump in her breast."

Jen's eyes flew open wide, her stomach nearly rebelling at the news. Snapping her head around quickly to Cat, she wrapped both arms around the woman and held her close, rocking her gently back and forth. "Sweetie, it will be all right. I'm here for you, okay? If you need anything..... anything at all, I'm here. I will always be here for you both," she said, reaching one hand out to Billie, who grasped it thankfully.

The trio sat there for long moments, trying hard to regain control over their emotions. Finally, Cat sat erect and wiped her face dry. "I have to feed the kids," she said. "They're probably starved."

"Actually, they're scared. Tara is the one who called me over. Have you told them?" Jen asked.

Both women shook their heads no. "We came straight to this room from the doctor's," Billie said. "We need to figure out how to tell them. I don't want to scare them unnecessarily. After all, we don't really know how bad it is yet," she added.

Jen nodded. "You're right.... it might turn out to be nothing. Pretty scary stuff nonetheless," she replied. "Look, I'll take the girls home with me. They can have dinner with us.... maybe even spend the night. Okay?" she suggested.

Billie smiled. "You're a good friend, Jen. We love you... you know that, don't you?"

"Yeah, I know," Jen replied. "Right back at 'cha," she said, drawing a smile from Cat as well.

Standing up, she leaned down and kissed both women affectionately, then hugged Cat. "Don't lose hope my friend.... we're gonna make it through this - you got that?" she said sternly. "I won't accept anything less."

Cat teared up once more at her friend's tone, nodding quickly in agreement. "Okay," she said softly as Billie threw and arm around her and drew her in close.

"I'll give you a call later tonight. Get some sleep - it looks like you can use some," she suggested, noting the dark circles under Cat's eyes.

"Thanks, Jen," Billie said as their friend headed to the door.

Jen just nodded and quietly slipped out, closing the door behind her.

Billie slipped to her knees on the floor in front of Cat and pulled off the smaller woman's shoes and socks. Next, she loosened the waist of Cat's jeans and pulled them off as well. Then came the shirt and bra. After slipping a soft night shirt over Cat's head, she pulled down the covers of the bed and tucked her in. Moments later, she had shed her own clothes, donned a night shirt and crawled in beside her distraught wife. Gathering Cat in her arms, she held her close until the smaller woman relaxed and fell into a much needed deep sleep. Sleep for her own weary soul was a long time in coming as she lay there for several more hours, dreading a future without the woman she loved.

**********

"Sweetheart, it will be all right. Relax and sleep. Things will look better in the morning," cooed the voice softly.

"It breaks my heart.... I can't bear to lose her. What if she dies? Life wouldn't be the same without her. My god, the poor children.... what will they do without their mother?" cried the broken hearted woman.

"Love, you need to calm down.... this is not good for the baby," Fred warned.

"I know," Jen replied, lying wrapped in her husband's arms, "but I can't get Cat out of my mind. She's so young. Fred, if I lost you, I would want to die too.... I can just imagine how Billie feels."

"She's not gone yet, Jen. We have to keep hope alive for her.... she can beat this... I know she can," Fred assured his wife.

Jen nodded. "I hope you're right Fred.... I hope to God you're right."

*********************************************************************************************

CHAPTER XIV

Cat was out of bed, showered and dressed long before Billie the next morning, which considering Cat's tremendous dislike for mornings, was reason enough for Billie to worry.

Waking up to the alarm, Billie reached over to give Cat a ritual hug and found her side of the bed empty. Sitting up quickly, she looked around the room. "Cat?" she called out.

Cat poked her head out of the bathroom. "Yeah?" she asked, comb poised above her head.

Billie frowned. "What are you doing up so early?" she asked. "That's not like you."

"Couldn't sleep," came the reply from the red head.

Billie climbed out of bed and approached Cat. Reaching out to rub Cat's arm, she looked at her wife closely. Cat appeared to be indifferent, detached. "Sweetheart, are you all right?" she asked.

Cat just stared straight ahead, nodding her head slightly in response to Billie's question.

"Cat, I think you should stay home today. You're not in any condition to assist in surgery," Billie pointed out.

Cat snapped out of her trance and looked at Billie. "I'm fine," she said as she brushed past the taller woman on her way out of the bathroom.

Billie moved to intercept her. "No.... you're not. Cat, if you go to work like this, they'll just send you home. You need to take the day off.... rest. I'll reschedule today's appointments and stay home with you," Billie urged.

Cat walked a few feet away then turned around to face her wife. "I can't stay home, Billie. I spent the entire night tossing and turning.... thoughts of dying running through my mind... thoughts of leaving you alone to raise the kids. I had too much time to think. I need to stay busy. I need to keep my mind occupied. I need to think of anything but this disease growing inside of me." she exploded, hands raised into the air.

"You're not dying Cat. I won't let you," Billie said softly.

Cat rushed forward, stopping within inches of Billie's nose. "Well here's a news flash for you, Billie.... You may not be able to stop it! I have seen people die of cancer. I have seen people's hopes dashed after years of remission. I have seen the agony each and every family member goes through as they watch their loved one waste away to nothing. You may not be able to stop it! Don't you understand?" she shouted.

Billie grabbed Cat by both arms and pushed her up against the wall. "I will NOT give up on you, Cat. Don't you dare dig your grave before we've had a chance to fight. We need you.... we love you.... we WON'T let you go without a fight. Do YOU understand?" she shouted back.

Cat's eyes filled with tears at each word that left Billie's mouth.

Realizing she had been rougher with Cat than she intended Billie released the smaller woman and sunk to her knees on the floor. Dropping her face into her hands, she began to cry.

Looking down at the normally strong woman, raw and vulnerable at her feet, Cat slid down the wall and landed on her own knees in front of Billie. Wrapping her arms around the weeping woman, she laid her head on top of Billie's and softly whispered, "Yes, my love, I understand."

**********

Not too long after Seth left for work, Billie managed to coax Cat into returning to bed as she called the hospital to inform them that Cat would not be in for the rest of the week. She then called Doc and broke the news to him.

At first, there was silence at the other end of the line. "Doc?" Billie said softly into the phone.

"I'm here," he said, his voice cracking with emotion. "Ummm.... you said she's had a mammogram?" he asked.

"Yes. It was done yesterday. We expect the results in a day or two," Billie replied.

"I see. Did Patty give you any indication of what it might be?" he asked.

"Not really. The lump wasn't there two weeks ago, so she said it might be a cyst, or....," Billie began.

"Or a fast growing tumor," Doc finished for her.

"Yes. We won't know for sure until the mammograms are read," Billie explained.

Billie could hear Doc take a deep breath at the other end of the line. "Well," he said. "I have seen numerous tumors turn out to be benign. As far as I know, there is no breast cancer in the family.... a statistic that holds favorable for Cat. I.... I'm not going to tell Ida until we know more. I don't want to upset her unnecessarily," he informed his daughter-in-law.

"We feel the same way about the kids, Doc. We've decided not to say anything to them until the results are in," Billie agreed.

"You said she had an appointment with a counselor tomorrow?" Doc asked.

"Wow! I almost forgot about that! Yes, she does. Maybe it will help if she talks it out with someone who isn't personally involved," Billie said hopefully.

"You may be right. Encourage her to go.... she may refuse, but encourage her anyway," Doc urged.

"I will," Billie replied.

"All right then. I want to know the results as soon as you get them. In fact..... I may put out a few feelers of my own. I'll let you know if I learn something before you do. Take care of my Kitten, Billie," Doc said. "Bye."

"Goodbye Dad... we love you," Billie replied, her voice heavy with emotion.

"I love you too, daughter," came the reply before Doc hung up.

**********

After hanging up the phone, Billie sat for long moments staring at the floor and fighting back her fears. She hoped she was over reacting.... hell, all they had was a lump.... no mammogram results.... no clinical test results..... just a lump. it suddenly amazed her how something the size of a pea had thrown their lives into such chaos. Cat was right - it did feel like their lives were in a tailspin. Taking a deep breath, she rubbed her face hard with both hands and resolved to keep her mind productive until they had the test results.

Recalling that she was in the middle of a court case which had been thrown into it's own chaos the day before, she picked up the phone and dialed Jimmy in criminal law.

Jimmy was a genius. An older gentleman who had been with the law firm for years, his specialty was finding things.... people, facts, leads. He had helped her locate Tara's father years earlier when they needed his consent for Billie to adopt the girl. She remembered the day she stood over Jimmy's shoulder as he retrieved a picture of Cat from the Internet..... a picture of Cat battered and broken after suffering a brutal beating and rape at the hands of Tara's biological father. Even today, it made her sick to think about it. How Jimmy found that picture was a mystery to her. As much as Jimmy complained about 'new fangled technology', he had mastered the Internet in a matter of days and managed to harness it's powers to further enhance his investigative skills. Jimmy always came through for Billie, and she had no doubt he could help her out now.

"Criminal Justice, James P. Buchanan, speaking," Jimmy said, using his formal name.

"Jimmy!" Billie exclaimed.

"No.... no, don't tell me," Jimmy replied. "Six foot, long legs, silky black hair, piercing blue eyes.... am I right?" he teased.

"Damn, you're good!" Billie said, humoring the older gentleman.

"What can I do for you, Billie," Jimmy asked.

"Well, I've got a tough one for you this time," Billie began.

"Good, I love a challenge," Jimmy interjected.

"Okay then. Gary Crawford, age 25, disappeared seven years ago. He was the captain of the football team at the local high school.... graduated in 1993. His picture should be in the yearbook. Married right out of high school - his wife was named Julie. One daughter, Kacie who was four months old when he disappeared. Parents, Irene and Howard Crawford," Billie said, supplying all the personal information she had at the time.

"Got it. So, why are you looking for this guy?" Jimmy asked.

"Actually, I'm not looking for him. He showed up suddenly as a witness for the prosecution in court yesterday. He deserted his wife and daughter and now that the child is up for adoption by the mother's partner, he suddenly surfaces. What I need to know is where he's been for the past seven years, what he's been doing, how he's been living, and why he's suddenly made an appearance. Is that possible?" she asked.

"Well, let me have a crack at it and I'll let you know. When do you need the information?" he asked.

"Court convenes next Wednesday, but it would be nice to have the information by Monday so I have time to build a case around it," Billie replied.

"Okey Dokey, Billie. I'll give it a go and get back to you as soon as I know something," he quipped.

"Thanks Jimmy.... I owe you - again!" Billie exclaimed.

Billie heard an audible click as Jimmy hung up the phone.

After placing the receiver back into its cradle, Billie picked up the teapot from the stove and walked over to the sink to fill it.

"Hey there!" came a voice from the doorway, drawing Billie's attention to Jen, who as usual, let herself into the house.

"'Morning Jen. Care for some tea?" Billie asked as she finished filling the teapot and held it up in front of her.

"Sure.... as long at it's decaf," Jen replied, patting her stomach.

Billie place the teapot on the stove and turned the burner on beneath it. "I think we have decaffeinated tea," she mumbled as she searched the pantry. "Ah... here it is."

Jen retrieved two mugs from the cupboard and joined Billie in front of the stove where she was watching the teapot.

"A watched pot never boils," Jen quipped, grinning.

Billie stuck her tongue out at her friend.

"Where's Cat?" Jen asked.

"In bed," Billie replied. "She was bound and determined to go to work this morning, but she was acting like such a zombie, that I convinced her to stay home," she explained. "She didn't get a lot of sleep last night."

Placing a tea bag in each mug, she filled them with water and returned the teapot to the stove. Handing one mug to Jen, the two ladies carried them over to the table and sat down.

"I can understand why she might be having trouble sleeping," Jen remarked. "She's dealing with some pretty heavy stuff."

Billie sipped her tea then placed it on the table, cupping the mug between her hands, and stared into the amber colored liquid. Without saying a word, she acknowledged Jen's comment with a nod.

"So.... when do you expect the results?" Jen asked, referring to the mammogram Cat had endured the day before.

"Hopefully by tomorrow," Billie replied.

Jen reached over to rub Billie's back. "It'll be all right, Billie. I just know it," she said softly.

Billie turned her head to look at her friend. Smiling, she replied, "I hope so." Then, suddenly remembering that Jen had kept her daughters over night, she perked up and asked how they had behaved the night before.

"They were great.... they always are when they spend the night," Jen replied. "They were chowing down on pancakes and sausage when I left to come over here."

Billie smiled and once again fell silent and stared into her tea cup.

Feeling that Billie wanted to be alone, Jen rose to her feet and leaned in to wrap her arms around her friend, hugging her tight. Kissing the dark haired woman on the head, she hugged her once more and whispered encouragement into her ear. "Don't lose hope, my friend. Just remember I'll be here for you if you need me.... 'kay?"

Billie closed her eyes and nodded her thanks.

Standing erect, Jen felt a twinge in her side, causing her to grab the back of Billie's chair.

Billie swing around sharply. "Are you all right, Jen?" she asked.

Feeling the twinge pass, Jen smiled. "Yeah.... just growing pains, I think. I'm fine," she said, leaning in once more to hug her friend. "I'll send the girls home whenever....., okay? See ya later this afternoon." With that, she was gone.

Billie watched her friend go, then headed upstairs to check on Cat.

**********

Billie spent a good part of the morning pacing back and forth across the living room, painstakingly waiting for the phone to ring with news of Cat's mammogram results. She checked on her fair-haired wife several times as the hours passed, each time finding her soundly sleeping. Billie saw this as a good thing.... as each hour spent asleep was one hour less Cat would spend torturing herself with worry.

Tara and Skylar returned home from Jen's late morning, trailed closely by Karissa.

"Mom, we're home!" Tara called as they entered the kitchen.

"I'm in the living room, sweetie," Billie called out.

Parading through the living room, they found Billie standing by the mantel, looking intently at the numerous family pictures proudly displayed there. She turned as she felt Tara touch her shoulder.

"Mom? Are you all right?" the astute girl asked.

Billie turned and looked at her daughter. For the hundredth time, it stuck her how much this beautiful young girl resembled her mother. Reaching out, she cupped the side of Tara's face with her palm. "You look so much like Mama, it brings tears to my eyes," she said softly.

Tara narrowed her eyes. "Mom.... what is it that you're not telling me? Is Mama all right?" she asked directly.

Realizing she was scaring her daughter, Billie forced a smile to her face. "Mama will be fine," she replied. "She's just a little tired," she said in half-truths. Then, turning to look at Skylar, she dropped to one knee and held her arms open for the little girl. "Hey baby-cakes. Were you a good girl for Jen last night?" she asked as Skylar hugged her tightly.

"Mom, Karissa and I are going to the mall. Do you want us to take the runt along?" Tara asked, sensing her mother's distracted mood.

Billie looked at the sincerity on Tara and Karissa's faces, and then at the eager face of Skylar. "Do you mind?" she replied hopefully. "That would be really great if you would. I think your sister would enjoy it," she confirmed, seeing Skylar nod vigorously.

"Sure.... no big deal. Come on rugrat," Tara said affectionately to her excited younger sister as they turned to go.

"Tare....," Billie said, halting the girls' departure, and causing her older daughter to turn around. "Here.... have a sundae and a coke on me," she added handing Tara a $10 bill to treat the three of them, ".... and thanks, sweetie."

"Cool!" Tara replied, shoving the money into her pocket. "We'll be back later this afternoon. Love you, Mom!" she called over her shoulder as the trio quickly departed for an afternoon at the mall.

"I love you too, baby," Billie said softly as she turned back to the pictures on the mantel.

**********

Slipping into the bedroom, Billie stealthily made her way across the carpet and knelt on the floor beside the bed. Gently propping her elbows on the comforter, she leaned forward and placed a light kiss on rosebud lips. The beautiful red head squirmed slightly beneath her touch, but remained asleep.

Billie smiled at the peaceful look on the sleeping angel's face. Leaning in once more, she placed a second kiss upon her lips.

"Hmmmm," came the unconscious comment from the sleeping woman as she shifted her head from side to side, eyes fluttering open. "Hi!" she said as she made eye contact with Billie.

"Hi yourself!" Billie replied as she watched the relaxed look fade from her wife's face, only to be replaced by worry etched across her brow.

"Any word yet?" Cat asked, not having to elaborate on the exact nature of her question.

Billie shook her head. "Not yet. If they don't call in the next hour or two, I'll call them," she replied.

"What time is it?" Cat asked, looking over at the alarm clock to answer her own question.

"Just after 1:00 p.m.," Billie answered. "You were really tired. I was glad to see you sleep."

Cat maneuvered herself into a sitting position. "Where are the girls? Have they come home from Jen's yet?" she asked.

"Come and gone," Billie replied, rising to her feet to sit on the edge of the bed facing Cat. "They're gone to the mall with Karissa."

"Skylar too?" Cat asked.

"Skylar too. She was thrilled to be included," Billie responded.

Cat just nodded, starting at the hands she had folded in her lap. Long moments passed in silence this way.

Billie reached forward and tucked a long strand of red-gold hair behind Cat's ear. Before she could retract her hand, Cat grabbed it and brought it to her lips. Kissing it gently, she clutched it fiercely to her chest and closed her eyes tight, allowing a few tear drops to fall into her lap.

Billie just sat there in silence, struggling to hold back her own tears. Moments later, Cat regained her composure and released Billie's hand, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

"Cat?" Billie said softly. "Sweetheart, talk to me. I can understand why you would be upset and preoccupied with this breast lump..... but things weren't right even before that. Have I done something to upset you? Have the kids?" she asked, desperation tingeing her voice.

Cat looked into her wife's eyes. Tears threatened to spill out as she fought to keep her composure. "I.... I don't know," she began, drawing her knees up and clutching the bed sheets to her chest. "Life has just been so hectic.... so overwhelming. The kids..... Jen..... the horrible disease that may be growing in my body. I feel so out of control, Billie. I feel like I'm disappearing under this dark cloud that is hanging over me. I..... I'm scared Billie," she cried.

The vision of Cat sitting there, knees clenched into a fetal position, tears pouring from her eyes broke Billie's heart. Wrapping her arms around the smaller woman, she drew Cat close and held her while sobs wracked her wife's body. Several long moments later, the tears subsided as the women sat in a loving embrace, communicating through their hearts.

Finally Billie spoke. "Cat, sweetheart. You need to talk to someone about this... someone who can help you. You have an appointment tomorrow with a counselor... remember? I'll go with you... okay?"

Cat nodded as Billie visibly relaxed under her approval.

"Good.... good. Now, I've got a pan of stew simmering on the stove, and a nice ham sandwich waiting for you in the kitchen. What do you say?" Billie asked, hoping Cat's appetite had returned.

Not really hungry, but needing to diffuse the tense situation she had created, Cat looked at Billie and asked incredulously, "You made stew?"

Billie threw her head back and laughed. "Not exactly.... I had a little help from Chunk E. Soup."

"Whew! For a moment there, I though I'd have to eat your cooking!" Cat dead panned.

**********

Brrrring..... Brrrring!

"Come on.... answer the damn phone!" Billie growled into the receiver.

Brrrring..... Brrrring!

"Hello.... Hello, this is Billie Charland. I'm calling to see if you have my wife's mammogram results," she said into the phone. "No.... no, this is not a joke. Look..... I know I'm a woman.... but...," Billie stammered frustrated.

"Billie, let me have the phone," Cat instructed. "Hello.... This is Cat.... Caitlain Charland. I'm calling about my test results. Yes.... they were done yesterday," Cat supplied. "Yes I'll hold."

Billie paced impatiently back and forth across the kitchen as they waited for the technician to return to the line.

"Yes..... Ah huh..... Okay..... so when...... tomorrow? Are you sure? Okay. Good bye," Cat replied haltingly through the conversation.

Billie stood there with hands on her hips.... knowing from Cat's end of the conversation that she made little progress with the test results. "Well?" she asked as she watched Cat return the receiver to its cradle.

Cat sighed deeply, then turned around to face Billie, crossing her arms in front of her. "Tomorrow," she said. "The radiologist covers the entire region and won't be there until then," she explained.

Billie threw her hands up. "Great! That's just great!" she complained. "Don't those doctors have one shred of compassion? They've got to know we're worried out of our minds over this! Jesus Christ!"

Cat had nothing to say. One part of her wanted to defend her chosen profession.... the other part was just as upset and worried as Billie. All she could do was shake her head.

Realizing her behavior was only adding to Cat's stress, Billie willed herself to calm down. Opening her arms to the emotionally vulnerable woman, she held her close and rubbed her back. "Hang in there, my love. We'll get through this. One more day.... just one more," she said soothingly.

"Hey Ladies," Jen said as she once more let herself into her best friends' house. "How goes it?" she asked, embracing the two ladies in a giant bear hug.

No response was necessary as raw emotions permeated the trio. Breaking the embrace, Jen stepped back. "Any word from the hospital yet?" she asked.

"Tomorrow," Cat replied wearily.

"That sucks!" Jen exclaimed.

"My sentiments exactly," added Billie.

"Is there anything I can do?" their best friend offered.

Cat reached forward and touched the side of her friend's face. "You're doing it, Jen.... you're doing it," she replied.

*********************************************************************************************

CHAPTER XV

The phone rang bright and early the next morning. Billie jumped up from the kitchen table and grabbed for it.... her heart in her throat as she anticipated the results of Cat's mammogram.

"Hello?" she said breathlessly into the receiver.

"Billie? Billie, this is Art. Look, I know you planned to work from home for the rest of the week, but I really need you to come in for a few hours this morning. We've received an intent to audit notice concerning the government anti-trust suit you worked on a few months ago and we're meeting with our records department this morning. Can you make it in?" Art asked.

Billie hesitated, not really wanting to leave Cat alone. "Ah.... is it really necessary to have the meeting today, Art?" she asked.

"I'm afraid so.... the first meeting with the auditors is on Monday. That leaves just today to go over the facts and set the records department up to work on it over the weekend," he replied.

Listening to Billie's end of the conversation, Cat realized that Billie was hesitating because of her. Approaching Billie, she covered the receiver with her hand and whispered her approval, "Sweetheart - I'll be all right. Go ahead. If I hear from the hospital before you get home, I'll call you," she urged.

"Are you sure, Cat?" Billie asked, feeling uneasy about leaving Cat alone.

Cat nodded her assurance as she removed her hand from the receiver.

"Okay, Art. I'll be there in about an hour... is that all right? Oh - and I've got to leave around 1:00 p.m. for an appointment," she added, remembering Cat's appointment with the counselor. "Good.... okay, I'll be in soon. All right, goodbye." Hanging up the phone, she turned to Cat. "Cat, are you sure you'll be okay?" she asked.

"Billie... go to work. I'm fine," she replied, looking much more sure on the outside than she felt on the inside.

**********

Cat was consumed in thought as she sat by herself on the edge of her bed. She was alone in the house; the kids having gone to their respective friend's homes. Part of her mind was logically analyzing the problem.... inventing ways to prepare her family for her impending demise. Another part was screaming in heartbroken agony at the thought that she might possibly be leaving everyone she loved. She knew she was thinking irrationally, but part of her was terrified that Billie wouldn't be strong enough to endure her death... that she would fall apart, leaving their children with no parent to provide emotional support for their pain. She knew her own parents would be there for them, but it wouldn't be the same. Waves of fear ravaged her heart as she sat there fretting over what might be.

Glancing at the clock, she realized is was already after 12:00 p.m.. Knowing she had a 1:00 p.m. appointment with the counselor, she rose to her feet and headed toward the bathroom to shower, only to be interrupted by the phone. Cat stopped short and stared at the offending appliance, fear once again welling in the pit of her stomach. Forcing herself forward, she reached for the receiver and brought it to her ear.

"Hello?" she said softly. "Yes, this is Caitlain Charland."

Cat stood there, silently listening to the voice on the other end of the line, the creases in her brow deepening with each second that passed. Finally, it was her turn to speak.

"Ah.... Yes.... I understand. Uhm.... I..... Monday? Okay.... all right," she said, haltingly, somewhat in shock. "Good bye."

Placing the receiver back on the cradle, she lowered herself to the bed and stared at the floor. Dropping her face into her hands, she began to cry.

**********

Billie closed the last manila folder containing the audit material at noon. Sitting back, she interlocked her hands behind her head and stretched before looking at the clock. Damn! she said to herself. I've got to get home. Cat's appointment is in an hour.

Grabbing the folder, she tossed it on her secretary's desk on the way out. "That should be the end of it, Deb," she said. "I'll be home later this afternoon if Art has any questions, okay?"

"Sure thing, Billie," Deb replied. "Will you be in next week?"

"I'm planning on it," Billie responded.

"All right then... have a great weekend!" the secretary offered.

"You too!" Billie said as she headed out the door.

Before heading home, she stopped at Jimmy's office to see if he had made any progress on reconstructing the last seven years of Gary Crawford's life.

"Hey Jimmy..... have you got anything for me?" she asked, standing in the older gentleman's doorway.

Jimmy looked up at the tall dark-haired woman. "Have I got anything?.... You know better than that! Take a look at this," he said, handing Billie a piece of paper with neatly written notes.

Billie's eyebrows shot into her hairline. "Holy shit!" she exclaimed. "Damn! You are good!" she added, shaking the older man's hand.

Jimmy retrieved a folder from his desk and opened it, handing a couple of photographs to Billie.

Billie picked up the photograph and stared at it. "So how does this explain him surfacing now?" Billie commented out loud, more to herself than Jimmy.

"My guess is that he's motivated by money, Billie. Why else would a guy like this show a sudden interest in a child he hasn't seen in seven years?"

"You may be right, Jimmy," Billie said, smiling. "Once again, you've come through for me, my friend. What can I do to repay you?" she asked.

"Seeing that smile is payment enough, Billie. Glad to help," he replied.

Billie glanced quickly at her watch. "Damn! I've got to run! Thanks again, Jimmy," she said, leaning over to plant a kiss on the older man's cheek before heading out the door.

**********

Rushing into the kitchen, Billie glanced at the clock and realized they had only twenty minutes to make it to Cat's appointment.

"Cat! Are you ready? We're going to be late!" she shouted up the stairs as she made her way toward their bedroom, finding it odd that Cat was not responding. "Cat?" she repeated.

Billie hesitated as she entered their bedroom. "Cat?" she said once more.

Straining, she heard a faint noise coming from behind the closed bathroom door. Reaching for the handle, she found it locked. "Cat, open the door," she demanded, shaking the handle.

The only response was Cat's angry voice sputtering something indiscernible from behind the door.

Panic began to rise in Billie's chest. "Damn it, Cat! Open the door!" she shouted once more, to no avail.

Billie began to pound on the door. "Cat, please..... open the door! Don't make me break it down," she warned.

The door remained locked.

Looking around frantically for something to break through the door, Billie suddenly remembered that the small key that came with the lock was sitting just inside the night stand drawer. Rushing to the night stand, she yanked the drawer out, spilling its contents all over the carpet. Spotting the key, she grabbed it and quickly returned to the locked door, fumbling and dropping the key as she tried to insert it into the hole.

"Son of a bitch!" she exclaimed, angry at her own clumsiness. "Cat! Talk to me," she shouted as she retrieved the key from the floor. Once again, all she heard was angry mumbling.

Finally, she managed to insert it into the lock. Feeling the tumbler surrender, she grabbed the handle and flung the door open. There before her was Cat, standing in front of the bathroom sink, shears in hand, surrounded by the long red-gold tresses that had once adorned her head.

"By the gods, Cat! What are you doing?" she screamed as she snatched the shears from Cat's hands before she could do any more damage. Cat's eyes were wild with rage, fear and confusion.

Throwing the shears to the floor, Billie grabbed her wife by the shoulders and turned the woman to face her. Placing her hands on Cat's cheeks, she made direct eye contact with the distraught woman. "Cat.... Gods, Cat.... honey, talk to me," Billie pleaded, tears filling her voice as she took in the shredded mass of hair that remained on her wife's head. "Why?" she asked.

A look of pure sarcasm crossed Cat's face. "I'm going to loose it any way!" she shouted. "I'd rather lose it by my own hand than by the hand of fate!"

Billie's brow knit together in a confused frown. "What are you talking about?" she demanded.

Cat broke free of Billie's grasp and stomped out of the bathroom, strands of her once-long hair falling off her shoulders to the floor along the way. Half way across the bedroom, she stopped and swung around to face Billie.

"What am I talking about?" she asked angrily. "I'm talking about cancer, Billie. I'm talking about my hair falling out from chemo," she explained.

Billie's face went ashen. "The results came in, didn't they?" she stated more than asked.

Waves of anger crossed Cat's face. Clearly, she was struggling with the news she was given by the hospital.

Billie once again approached her wife and took her by the shoulders. In a much calmer voice, she asked once more. "Sweetheart, tell me.... what did the hospital say?"

Intense fear and anxiety replaced the anger in Cat's face as she locked eyes with her wife. "It's what they didn't say that's alarming me," she replied.

Thoroughly confused by the riddles coming from Cat's mouth, Billie tried once more. Leading her wife to the bed, she urged her to sit down. Pulling a chair toward her, she sat down facing Cat and took the smaller woman's hands in hers. "Cat, I need you to tell me exactly what the doctor said," she instructed.

Misty green eyes met blue. "They said the results were 'suspicious'. They said they need to do a needle biopsy to determine if the lump is cancerous," she explained softly.

Billie felt like she had been punched in the stomach.

Trying to control the emotion in her voice, she looked at Cat. "When?" she asked.

"Monday... at 10 o'clock," came the reply.

"Today is Friday. Can't they get you in sooner? Don't they realize Monday is two days away?" she pointed out.

Cat just sat there in silence, already resigning herself to a weekend of emotional hell.

Seeing how vulnerable Cat was, Billie decided not to pursue the line of questioning. Instead, she looked intently at her wife, taking in the choppy appearance of her once flowing hair, feelings of intense regret filling her heart as she chided herself for taking the extra time to speak with Jimmy instead of heading straight home, quite possibly arriving in time to prevent what Cat had done to herself.

Cat pulled away when Billie reached to touch her hair, her own regret flowing freely from her eyes.

"Baby, I'm going to call the counselor to cancel and reschedule your appointment, then ask Marge to come over to fix this," she said, indicating their friend, and Art's wife, who was a hairdresser.

Cat nodded slightly, staring down at the carpet.

Rising to her feet, Billie retrieved the shears from the bathroom floor and took them with her down into the living room where she made her calls without Cat overhearing. When she returned to the bedroom, Cat was lying on her side, still awake and staring at the wall.

Billie sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed Cat's arm. "Marge is on her way over, love. She'll be here soon," she said, "and your appointment has been reschedule to Monday afternoon."

Once again, Cat nodded, then in a tiny voice, she added, "I don't want to die, Billie."

Billie took a deep breath and held back her emotions. "I won't let you die, Cat. I need you too much to let that happen," she said. Then, falling to her knees, she placed her cheek against Cat's. "Sweetheart, you were so strong when Skylar was sick.... you never gave up hope. We need you to be strong now... please don't give up," she pleaded.

"I was able to help Skylar," Cat whispered hoarsely, "I can't do a damn thing to help myself."

Billie lifted her head and placed a kiss on Cat's cheek. "That's not true, love. I've heard you say that 50% of any cure is attitude and willpower. Cat.... your babies need you..... I need you. Don't give up..... please fight."

Cat nodded and closed her eyes, squeezing tears out from between her lids.

Billie stood and looked down on her wife. "Rest a while. Marge will be here soon," she said as she returned to the bathroom to collect the golden strands that had fallen victim to fear.

**********

"I like it!" Billie commented, circling Cat as Marge stood by and watched. "It will take some getting used to, but I like it."

Cat subconsciously reached up to touch her now short pixie-cut hair, feeling sick at heart for what she had done to herself. Meeting Billie's eyes, she looked to verify the words that were coming from her wife's mouth. Cat was always able to tell when Billie was being sincere just by looking into her eyes. What she saw there brought relief to her fears. "Really?" she asked.

"Really," Billy replied, leaning in to kiss her. "In fact, it looks kind of sexy," she added, growling.

"Stop it!" Cat said, blushing in front of their friend.

Offering her hand, Billie pulled Cat to her feet. "Come on.... let's take a look at it," she said, leading Cat to the bathroom, followed closely by Marge.

Cat stepped in front of the mirror and gasped - almost not recognizing herself. "By the gods! I look like a little girl!" she exclaimed, unable to keep a small grin from the corner of her mouth.

Billie stood behind Cat, also grinning, noticing that despite herself, Cat liked the cut. Looking over at Marge, she smiled. "I think she likes it!" she said to their friend. "You're a miracle worker, Marge! We can't thank you enough."

"My pleasure," the dark skinned woman replied, hugging Cat. "You look beautiful, my friend," she said, squeezing Cat's shoulders.

Cat leaned her newly shorn head against Marge's. "Thanks, Marge. I owe you," she exclaimed.

"The only thing you owe me is a promise that you'll fight this thing.... and to keep your chin up. Okay?" Marge declared.

Looking at herself once more, she nodded to the reflection of Marge and Billie standing over her shoulders. "One more thing," she said, making eye contact with Marge.

"What's that?" Marge asked.

"Promise me it will look this good when it grows back in.... just in case chemo ends up sending me to Kojak's barber at some point along the way," she replied, trying her best to distill the tension her question raised by grinning ear to ear.

"I promise," Marge replied. "After all, I work miracles, remember?"

**********

"Cool! A cookout!" Tara exclaimed as she entered the back yard, followed by Karissa and Kelly.

Hearing her daughter's comment, Billie looked over from where she was smoothing out the table cloth on the picnic table. "Hey sweetie, I'm glad you're home. Could you run across the street to collect your sister from Missy's? Dinner should be ready in about a half hour," she called out.

"Sure, Mom," Tara said, reversing her direction and leading her entourage back down the driveway.

Moments later, Jen made an appearance. "Hi neighbor! Was that my daughter I just saw crossing the street?" she asked as she deposited her salad and three bags of chips on the picnic table.

"Sure was - I sent them to fetch Skylar. How are you feeling?" Billie asked as she hugged her friend.

"A little tired, but other than that, okay, I guess," Jen replied. "Fred will be along in a few minutes. He's gone after ice for the cooler..... So, how's Cat?" she asked.

"Cat is fine," came the reply from behind the two women.

Turning around sharply to look for the source of the reply, Jen spotted Cat walking toward them.

"Holy Shit!" she replied loudly. "Wow! Cat! I love it!" she exclaimed loudly as she noticed her friend's new hair style. "What ever possessed you to do it?" she asked, holding her at arms' length so she could admire the cut.

"Possessed is a good way to put it," Cat replied lightly, her hand automatically going to her newly shortened locks.

The sound of a car door closing drew their attention to the driveway.

"That will be Fred," Jen remarked, still not able to take her eyes from her friend.

"Hidey-Ho Neighbors!" Fred called out in his best 'Mr. Rogers' voice as he crossed the back yard lugging a cooler full of ice and soft drinks.

Jen furrowed her brow as she responded to Fred's greeting. "Fred, you are such a nerd some times!" she exclaimed.

"Yeah... but you love me anyway," Fred replied, putting the cooler down at the end of the table.

"Yeah... yeah.... yeah..." Jen replied, standing on tip toe to kiss her husband. "Honey, I'd like you to meet our new neighbor.... Cat Charland," she said, pulling Cat from behind Billie, where she was hiding, hoping to surprise Fred with her new look.

Fred's eyes nearly popped out of his head. Whistling loudly, he replied, "Oh baby! Wow! What a knockout!"

"I'll knock you out if you don't put those eyes back into their sockets!" Jen said jokingly, punching him on the arm as Cat blushed under the praise and Billie puffed with pride.

Amidst the commotion, the adults didn't hear the kids arrive home.

"Mama?" Tara asked incredulously. "Is that you?"

Cat turned sharply to face Tara, a look of suspicion on the young girl's face.

"Hi sweetie!" Cat replied.

"Mom! What did you do to your hair! Oh my god!" Tara exclaimed.

Cat frowned and said the obvious. "I cut it," she said. "Don't you like it?" she added.

"Ah.... sure... but why?" the girl asked.

"I guess I needed a fresh start," Cat replied. "It feels good.... I kind of like it."

"Mama... can Missy eat with...... us?" Skylar shouted as she ran across the yard, followed closely by her friend Missy. The little girl stopped in her tracks as she spotted her newly coiffured mother.

"Hey, rugrat!" Cat said, dropping to one knee to greet her youngest daughter.

Realizing this woman was indeed her mother, Skylar continued across the yard and hugged Cat tightly. "Mama.... you cut your hair!" she exclaimed.

"Yes I did. Do you like it?" Cat asked.

Skylar nodded vigorously before remembering her mission. "Can Missy eat dinner with us?' the little one asked.

"Sure," Cat replied.

"Cool!" shouted Skylar as she went to hug her friend..... totally forgetting her mother's new look.

Cat shrugged as she smiled up at Billie. Then, looking over to where Tara, Karissa and Kelly were still looking at her oddly, Cat added, "Tara, why don't you ask Kelly to stay for dinner too."

"Sure Mom.... sure," Tara replied, walking away shaking her head. "Come on, Kel.... let's go call your mom."

Suddenly, the sound of a very loud wolf whistle came from across the yard.

"Yo Mama! What a fox!" Seth shouted as he spotted his mother. Crossing the yard quickly, he scooped her up into his arms and hugged her tightly. "Cool cut! If you weren't my Mom, I'd ask you for a date!" he joked.

"Well, if I wasn't your Mom, I might accept!" replied Cat jovially. "I'm glad you made it home on time for dinner, Scout," she added.

"Is Stevie with you?" Jen asked.

"He's gone home to take a quick shower. In fact.... I need to do the same. We've been playing basketball with the guys for the past two hours!" he explained as he turned and ran into the house.

"Well, that went over pretty easy," Billie remarked. "None of them seemed too upset by your sudden change."

"All except Tara," Cat pointed out as she glanced absent mindedly at the house.

"So, wanna tell me the truth about why you cut it?" Jen said pointedly as Billie and Fred went off to warm up the grill.

Cat looked at Jen and threw her arms into the air. "How do you do it? How do you know when I'm not being totally honest with you?" she asked.

"Well, my friend," Jen said, throwing her arm around Cat's shoulder and drawing her in for a quick hug. "You see, I think we were sisters of some sort in a past life. We have a connection.... a bond. Know what I mean?" she asked.

"All I know, is I feel guilty as hell keeping things from you," Cat replied.

Jen threw her head back and laughed. "Works for me!" she exclaimed. "Now spill it."

"Why don't you give me a hand carrying the salads out and I'll tell you all about it," Cat said, locking arms with her friend and leading her toward the house.

**********

"So, what you're saying is the mammogram is inconclusive.... that it still might be something to be concerned about," Jen parroted back to her friend.

"Exactly," Cat replied, placing the salad on the picnic table. Wrapping her arms around herself, she hugged tightly then looked at Jen. "I'm really scared, Jen. I mean.... what if it's cancer?" she asked.

Jen reached out and took Cat by the shoulders. Looking her straight in the face, she replied, "If it's cancer, then we'll deal with it. You're a doctor Cat. You must know there's all kinds of advancements in medicine today that make cancer more curable," she said.

Now it was Cat's turn to meet Jen's eyes. "I also know there are some types of cancer that can't be cured. I've seen so many people suffer and die from the disease. What it does to their families is heartbreaking," Cat explained. "Jen, my emotions are in such turmoil over this. I'm angry at becoming a victim.... I'm terrified that I will die before I see my children grown.... I'm scared to death about what it will do to Billie if I die." Closing her eyes tightly, she allowed Jen to take her into her arms and hold her close while she struggled to control her fear.

Jen had to fight hard to be strong for her friend. "It will be okay, Cat. I can feel it," she chanted, rubbing one hand up and down Cat's back.

Suddenly, a bolt of pain pierced Jen's side as she released Cat and grabbed the edge of the table in one swift movement.

Cat immediately knew her friend was in trouble. "Jen? Jen! Honey, are you all right?" she asked.

Seeing his wife's distress from across the yard, Fred ran over to where the ladies were standing by the picnic table. "Jen.... Sweetheart, sit down," he urged as she slowly lowered herself to the bench. As Fred assisted his wife, Cat sprinted into the house to retrieve her medical bag.

Taking deep breaths, Jen's face, and her death-grip on the edge of the table finally relaxed as the pain subsided. Billie's face was ashen with fear for her friend.

"Jen, are you all right?" Billie asked as Cat rejoined them.

"Right arm," Cat demanded as she pulled her blood-pressure cuff and stethoscope from the bag. Wrapping the cuff around Jen's arm, she pumped it up and slowly released the pressure as she read the valve. "180 over 110," Cat announced as she removed the cuff from her friend's arm. "You'd better get your ass to the doctors.... ASAP!" she ordered.

"Cat, I'm fine," Jen replied, trying to make light of the situation. "Look... the pain is gone. I feel fine," she repeated.

Cat looked at Fred. "She needs to see her doctor, Fred," Cat instructed him.

Fred looked at Jen and opened his mouth to lend support to Cat's orders.

"Don't even say it, Fred," Jen interrupted before he could speak. Then turning back to her friend, she added, "Cat, I have an appointment on Monday. I'm feeling fine now. If it happens again before then, I promise I'll go to the emergency room. Okay?" she said, offering what she thought was a good compromise.

Cat narrowed her eyes at Jen. Leaning in, she came nose to nose with her blonde haired friend. "Obviously I can't force you to go Jen, but for your own sake.... and the sake of this unborn child, I'm going to hold you to that promise. Don't you dare do anything to put your life at risk. I need you here... do you understand that?" she asked, quite seriously.

Jen just nodded and whispered, "I promise."

*********************************************************************************************

Continued in Part 4.


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