Who Saves the Hero by Kudara

Who Saves the Hero - Chapter 24

Normandy - Third Deck Portside Observation Room - evening on the same day as Normandy's arrival at Tuchanka

"Shepard," the biotic glow around the asari seated in the middle of the floor dissipated in swirling mist of fading bluish-white haze as the human female came up beside her.

"Samara," Shepard paused for a second to return the greeting with a brief smile before continuing forward to look out the large observation window at the view of the grayish swirling mass of clouds that covered part of the planet Tuchanka. Seen from space the shroud was just as impressive a sight as it was from the planet's surface. Personally she had found being underneath the swirling clouds to be more than a tad oppressive as well, a constant reminder of the tenuousness of the planet's continued habitableness and the battle stations upon which that habitableness was dependent.

After a moment the justicar rose from the floor and came to join her at the window, "You seem troubled."

Shepard smiled wryly, "Troubled still, I suspect you actually mean." She knew that Samara expected they would search for the prothean memory that had allowed her to do what she did this afternoon, but she was certain it wasn't a good idea unless she could get her mind to stop chasing itself around and around. The way her thoughts were right now she'd just flood the asari's mind with her unsettled feelings and a barrage of mental images if Samara melded with her.

Pale blue eyes studied her reflection in the thick glass before them and then Samara inclined her head in a smooth, elegant motion, "I had noticed your earlier agitation."

Shepard drew in a slow, deep breath through her nose and then let it out just as slowly, agitation...that was a good word for her current state of mind. She thought about the analogy that had come to her earlier in the day, it was an accurate and honest way of describing how she currently felt. "I feel like someone set off an explosive grenade in both my professional and personal lives," she shared her thoughts from earlier, "and now, looking around at the devastation, I'm asking myself whether or not I want to try and rebuild something similar to what I had before," she snorted, "if that's really even possible considering everything that's going on with me these days, or try something different..." Her gaze unfocused as her thoughts turned inward, "Maybe reclaim a few parts of myself that I felt I had to leave behind."

There was a long stretch of silence, when she became aware of the length of it, Shepard turned her head and looked at the asari standing next to her. Samara was regarding her with serene composure, apparently waiting for her to continue or not as she wished. Shepard's lips twitched briefly upward in wry amusement, yet another example of how several centuries of experience could apparently bequeath one with truly enviable equanimity.

She returned her gaze to the view outside the window, and her smile faded as she drew in another deep, thoughtful breath. Did she want to continue? Another few seconds passed before she made up her mind. "I never considered joining the military until the slavers attacked Mindoir and killed my parents." She turned her head to meet Samara's gaze, "I wanted to be a dancer; I had since I was six and watched a very old video program of Mikhael Baryshnikov in the Nutcracker Suite." Amanda noted the brief widening of Samara's eyes; she had managed to surprise the justicar. Her lips curved upward in a smile that was heavily tinged with sadness. She turned back to the window, her gaze resting now not upon the shroud, but upon the vastness of space beyond the planet. As with nearly all things having to do with Mindoir, this story had no happy ending.

"The recording was so old they had to re-format it to even play on modern equipment. He was so beautiful, so graceful and powerful, even at the age of six he fascinated me. I wanted to be able to do what he did, to move like that," Amanda smiled as she turned partially toward the justicar and admitted, "unfortunately at six I wasn't nearly as coordinated or graceful. I was trying to do a leap that I had watched him do when I ran into and fell over the coffee table in the living room. The vase on the table fell off and broke on the floor and I split my chin open on the edge of the table so bad I needed to go to the medical center to get it sutured closed." She chuckled as she recalled her mother's exasperation with her, "I was holding a towel to my bleeding chin and trying to talk Mom into letting me move the thing so I could try again as soon as we returned home. The doctor had to get me to stop talking long enough for him to heal it. After that Mother arranged for me to study after school with one of the high school's theater teachers, Mrs. Barden and forbid me from dancing inside the house." She thought for a second and then corrected herself, "Joanne Barden, she specialized in dance and vocal training. The colony was lucky to have her, she was Julliard trained, but wanted to get away from Earth and teach."

"Julliard?" Samara questioned when Shepard didn't immediately continue speaking.

"One of three very prestigious Performing Arts Conservatories on the North American continent, and one of the seven most prestigious Conservatories on Earth," Amanda responded. "When I was nine Mrs. Barden wrote to the woman who had been her professor at Julliard and sent her some videos of my performances. I wasn't aware of that until much later, the only thing I knew was that Madame Katherine LeCroix settled on Mindoir and took over as my primary performing arts teacher a few months afterward." Amanda continued, "Once Madam LeCroix arrived, Mrs. Barden arranged for my training to fulfill my physical education requirement and my two elective course requirements. My studies expanded from dance and vocal training, to include music theory, musical training, acting, and acting theory. I went to school with the other children from eight in the morning to noon. Then I went to lunch, spent an hour working on that day's homework, and then spent the next three to five hours dancing, singing, practicing at the piano," she smiled, "and, at my mother's insistence, learning French from Madam LeCroix."

"That seems like a very long day for a young child," Samara observed, a slight touch of disapproval coloring her words.

Amanda gave the asari a bemused look, the justicar was so duty bound that she hadn't expected this reaction. It was true that most of the children her age had been out playing or watching videos or playing games instead of practicing for hours. There had been a few adults back then who had asked her about it as well. They had left her alone after she made it clear that dancing was what she wanted to do with her time. "I guess it was a long day, but didn't really seem that long to me," she replied. "Each day was different, one day I might be dancing and then doing voice training while speaking French the whole afternoon with Madame LeCroix and then the next day she'd limit my dancing to only an hour and then I'd practice piano for another hour and then we'd sit down and she would teach me music theory or acting theory." She grinned at the justicar, "Most days, as far as I was concerned, I got out of school early and got to play for the rest of the day while the other kids had to stay in class for several more hours."

"Ah," understanding crept into the asari's tone, "you were doing something you greatly enjoyed."

Amanda nodded, "I was, when I think back to those times I remember being very happy. Even the discovery when I was twelve that I was a biotic didn't affect me much since I wasn't interested in leaving Mindoir to train and without an amplifier implant my biotic talent wasn't strong enough that I had to worry about accidentally manifesting a mass effect field." A slight frown marred Samara's expression at this piece of information and a hint of puzzlement showed in the asari's eyes. It wasn't hard for Amanda to guess the reason for it. "Cerberus augmented my biotic abilities while they were rebuilding me," she explained, "somehow they were able recreate the receptive state a human's eezo nodules enter during puberty and exposed me to another dose of element zero to increase their size. What they did more than doubled their size."

The justicar's eyes widened slightly at that, she commented, "That is a significant change."

Amanda nodded her agreement, "Since I didn't get my amplifier implant or start my training until I entered the Academy and I was never that adept of a biotic anyway. I rarely used my biotics in combat before my death. That's why I've been sticking with the few techniques I already knew, but trying to get comfortable with using them more frequently and trying to increase my confidence in knowing when to use them. Well... except for using Suiadan's biotic charge," she added belatedly, thinking of the one exception to what she had just told the justicar.

Samara gave her a keen eyed look, "That is why you usually use only one or two types of biotic attacks during combat."

"Ah...yes," Amanda admitted feeling a bit embarrassed.

"You are adapting to their use quickly," Samara reassured her, "Before now I did not realize you were so unaccustomed to using your biotics during combat, I simply assumed that there were a few techniques that you heavily preferred over others. The ones you use you execute quite well, showing exceptional control and focus over the formation and shaping of your mass effect field."

"Thank you, though the control and focus are mostly due to Lindariel and Suiadan's memories rather than the strength of my own efforts," Amanda demurred.

The asari regarded her sagely, "You are the one displaying your mastery of their knowledge and techniques."

Amanda considered this for a moment and then inclined her head in acknowledgement of Samara's words. Silence fell between them. Amanda turned back to the window and the view of space. It was time for her to continue her story and this part of her past was simply too painful to recall while facing the asari. "As I was saying, I was happy with my life for the next six years. Then, two months past my sixteenth birthday, batarian slavers attacked our colony. Mrs. Barden, Madame LeCroix, my father and mother were all killed during the attack, as was most of the rest of the colony who weren't dragged off to be slaves," she said flatly. "My teachers and my mother's deaths were in part my fault," she added quietly after a second. Amanda sensed Samara turn her head to stare at her, but she didn't look over at the asari. This would be hard enough without looking into those too seeing pale blue eyes.

"Mindoir has always been primarily an agricultural colony," she began, putting off remembering that day for a little longer. "My family owned several hundred acres of land where we grew primarily cereal crops like wheat, corn and barley that had been bio-engineered specifically for the colony. Like most of the colonists, our home was located within the closest settlement." Samara tilted her head slightly and looked puzzled at her statement, prompting Amanda to explain, "It was based on old English and later North American New England style settlement design. Farmland is assigned to each settlement family in an expanding square-grid pattern along with a block of land in the main settlement for a home. It's easier to provide community services that way, like schools and medical facilities, and it also fosters a stronger community than if everyone lived on isolated farmsteads several kilometers away from each other."

At Samara's nod of understanding, Amanda continued, "We were just finishing up with breakfast when the alert sirens sounded. Because he had served a term in the Alliance Navy when he was younger, my father was part of the colonial militia which supplemented the small Alliance garrison stationed there. Father hugged and kissed me, kissed Mother, told us he loved us, and then left to join up with the other militia members while we headed toward the settlement's shelter." Her hands reflexively clenched into fists before partially relaxing, that had been the last time she had seen her father alive. "We were part way there when we spotted a group of batarians. Mother pulled us into hiding by one of the buildings. I think she was thinking about backtracking, going around the outer perimeter of the colony or even trying our luck in the wilderness. Only I saw the batarians dragging Mrs. Barden and Madame LeCroix out of one of the school administration buildings. I don't know why they were there that early; school didn't start for another hour." Amanda paused, trying to remember. It was hard, so much of that day was only bits and pieces of scenes and scents and sounds instead of a coherent stream of memories.

"I don't know what I was thinking," she confessed, "I..." her voice trailed off as she remember the strange looking aliens with their huge looking weapons pointed at the two women, shoving them roughly along in front of them. "They were frightened. Mrs. Barden was crying. One of the batarians shouted at her, called her an animal, raised his weapon and slammed the butt end of it down on her back. He knocked her down. She fell so hard on the pavement, cried out in pain. I jumped up from where I was hiding." Amanda stopped speaking for a moment to take a few breaths, bring herself out of the memory a little bit. She was very aware of Samara standing next to her, the asari having turned away from the window to face her. "It was stupid, what was I going to do? Run out and attack them with my bare hands or my inaccessible and untrained biotics? I was just so angry at seeing those batarians treating them like that; I wanted to stop them from hurting them."

"I remember seeing Madam LeCroix's face," Amanda hung her head, "our eyes met. I think one of the batarian's noticed, he started to turn our way and she attacked him. The next thing I knew my mother was grabbing me and pulling me back behind the building. I'm not sure if Mrs. Barden joined in or not, only that there was a lot of shouting and shots fired. Then there was silence and mother pulled me around. She put her hand over my mouth and gripped my face mouthed 'silence' at me. She looked so angry. Then she grabbed my wrist and started pulling me after her. It hurt; her grip on me was so tight. We headed back to our house. The batarians had to have seen something because I could hear them talking to one another behind us and so could Mother, she kept glancing back."

"We got back to our house, in the kitchen there was this strange corner storage unit mother designed herself. It had these large multi-tiered circular shelves on a vertical axel that spun and could be pulled out on sliding rails," Amanda held her hands out about fifteen inches apart, indicating the size of the shelves, "Behind that were more shelves that moved forward once the circular shelves were pulled all the way forward. I don't know why she even had them put in," Amanda commented, "she constantly forgot about anything she put back there and had to throw it out." She remembered how her mother used to frown and fuss whenever it happened, but always put things back there anyway. She closed her eyes for a moment, remembering how she had thought it was funny that her mother kept trying to use them.

"If the circular shelves were full," she opened her eyes and continued, "which they usually were as Mother kept all her cleaning supplies for the entire house there, then it was really dark behind them. If you didn't realize you could pull out the circular shelves, you couldn't really tell there were more shelves in the back unless you actually bent down and looked for them. Mother pulled the circular shelves out, pulled the top and second shelves behind it forward, grabbed the items on the top shelf and put them on the second. Then she ordered me to crawl up on the top shelf. Snapped, 'now' at me when I hesitated," her mother's voice had been so hard, so harsh. "I was confused, frightened, by what was happening, by the way Mother was acting. I crawled up there. Mother told me to stay there and be quiet no matter what happened. Made me swear. She grabbed my hand and put it over my mouth, told me to keep it there as a reminder to be completely silent. When she did that, I thought she was really angry at me for earlier." Out of the corner of her eye she noticed Samara frown, but continued before the asari could interrupt her. "Then she knelt and bent forward, grabbed my head and pressed her face against mine for a few seconds, and then she released me." Her voice faltered, her emotional control shredding in the face of her memories.

Samara lifted her hand, reached out and rested it upon human's shoulder. "Shepard..." the asari paused for a brief moment and then corrected herself, "Amanda, you do not have to continue," she said her voice quiet, compassionate. "I believe I can guess what happened next. You do not need to tell me."

Amanda glanced over at the asari, reached up, placed her own hand over Samara's and gently squeezing before releasing it and letting her hand drop down to her side again. "This isn't the first time I've ever told this," she explained to Samara, "just the first time with these..." Amanda paused and returned her gaze to the view outside observation window before finishing, "refreshed memories. It makes it...harder," she reluctantly admitted. She looked over at the asari once again, "You're probably wondering why I'm telling you about this; it's because you'll never understand what's been bothering me, why being a Marine has been so important to me, without knowing about what happened on Mindoir and afterward."

Samara lifted her hand from the human's shoulder. "Very well," she reluctantly acquiesced.

Amanda drew in a deep, steadying breath and turned back to stare out the observation window before continuing, "After she released me, she pushed the shelf I was lying upon back into place as well as the one below it, and then slid the circular shelves back into place. She grabbed a knife and then pressed herself against the wall by the door and waited." She closed her eyes for a moment; her memories flashing back to that point in time, painting the scene upon her closed eyelids with a vividness that she cursed.

"I was lying in the dark looking out between some disinfectant wipes and a container of vinegar when the batarians came through the door. Mother managed to cut one of them pretty bad across the face before the others shot her. Her body jerked as the projectiles hit, the back of her blue shirt tore and darkened, she fell onto the floor. I didn't do anything. I laid there with my hand over my mouth and kept silent like she had made me swear I would as I watched the blood spread over the white tiles of the kitchen floor and how still she was lying there while they ransacked the house looking for anyone else. Never once did they search where I was hiding, they could see the circular shelves and never bothered to look past them. Finally they left. I crawled out of my hiding place, to my mother." Amanda's voice quieted, her next words came out as nearly a whisper, "Her eyes were so empty, there was so much blood. So dark red against the..."

"Amanda!" Samara reached over and shook the human woman realizing that she was caught up in the memory, reliving it.

The brown haired woman jerked away from her touch and turned to face her. Amanda shook her head; her haunted light grey eyes finally seemed to focus on Samara. "She might still be alive if I hadn't acted so stupidly."

"Or you might have both been captured or killed," Samara stated plainly, "you cannot know what might have happened."

Amanda bowed her head for a second before raising it again to meet the asari's gaze, "Intellectually I know that, I had two years of therapy to help me deal with my mother's death and everything else that happened during the attack." She shook her head, her shoulder length hair swaying a little around her face, "It's never really rid me of the responsibility I feel for what happened."

Samara tilted her head slightly to the side and stared at her for a long moment. "Your mother died protecting you," the asari stated when she finally broke her silence. "Now that you are of an age to have your own child would you not do the same?"

"Of course," Amanda didn't even have to think about the answer. She would protect her child with every fiber of her being.

Samara's next question came directly on the heels of Amanda's answer to the first, "If you were the teacher of a child, guiding her and teaching her all that you knew while watching her grow over the years into a young woman, would you not act to protect her from harm, even if it meant harm to yourself?"

Amanda glared at the justicar; she knew what Samara was doing. It wasn't as if the asari was bothering to be subtle about it. "You know I would."

"Yes, I do," Samara agreed calmly, seemingly not in the least bit perturbed by the narrow-eyed glare directed her way.

Amanda growled underneath her breath and turned sharply back toward the window. She wasn't happy with the turn the conversation had taken and she wasn't happy with how effectively Samara had just made her point. She had been trying to ignore these memories since she had woken up from being dead, had only been interested in getting them to stop troubling her sleep. It had been years since she had questioned whether or not her lingering guilt over what had happened was justified. She had just accepted that it was and that she was partially responsible for what had happened to her teachers, to her mother.

Samara was right though, she was old enough to have children of her own and to consider what she would be willing to do to protect them. It certainly made for a different perspective on the events of that day. Without any combat training and in the same position, she knew she would have done exactly what Madam LeCroix had done. She knew she would have done exactly what her mother had done. They had done what they could to protect her, to keep her from being captured or killed. She knew how batarians treated their slaves. She had read the military and civilian reports on the batarians brutal treatment of those they captured and then two years ago she had listened as another Mindoir survivor who hadn't escaped the batarian slavers that day, Talitha, had told her exactly how the batarians treated their slaves. Branded, forbidden to use their names, implanted with control devices in their skulls without anesthetic, then punished, beaten, and abused at the batarian's whims. Treated as less than animals, for no race that she knew of treated their animals as cruelly as the batarians treated their slaves.

Amanda had managed to talk the young woman down from killing herself and into taking a sedative so she could be treated, but what the traumatized woman had told her had been haunting. She could have so easily shared Talitha's fate instead of remaining free. Amanda didn't know how aware the adult colonists had been of how they would be treated if they were captured and became batarian slaves, but she remembered hearing the occasional comment that indicated that they probably knew it wasn't something they wanted to happen to them or anyone else. Had that knowledge played a part in her Mother's decision to attack the batarians instead of surrendering to them? Had it played a part in Madam LeCroix's decision?

Her expression now contemplative rather than annoyed, Amanda looked back over at Samara who was now standing with her hands clasp behind her back as she serenely regarded Shepard. "I've had people tell me that adults are supposed to protect children before, but I haven't had anyone put it to me quite that way...probably because I was too young at the time to understand. I'll think about what you've said." She stood there for a long moment her emotions still jumbled inside her; finally she added a sincere, "Thank you."

Samara's response was unexpected, the asari smiled at her. It wasn't an especially broad one, but it was a definite smile. "You consistently surprise me with your willingness to listen and consider what I have said Amanda." Then she added, amusement clear in her tone, "Especially when your first reaction to my words is less than welcoming."

Amanda blushed in embarrassment, she knew she had reacted poorly, "Sorry about that," she apologized, "it's been a long time since I thought about whether or not or how guilty I should feel about how everything happened that day. I assumed the question was resolved, that I was guilty for setting things in motion because of my impulsiveness. I still believe I'm at least in part responsible for the things that occurred because of what I did, but I'll also keep in mind that my mother and Madame LeCroix had their own reasons for what they did as well and that in their place I would have likely done the same thing."

"I did not say what I said to embarrass you Amanda," Samara demurred, unclasping her hands from behind her back, "That you can so swiftly overcome your initial resistance to give opinions other than your own due consideration is to be commended. As for your guilt, from what I have seen of your mother in your memories, I cannot believe she would want you to take on such a heavy burden of blame for what happened."

Amanda just stared at the asari for a few moments after Samara made the statement. When she was younger, she had believed that her mother had been angry at her just before she died. Not even her grandmother or her therapist repeatedly trying to explain to her that she had misinterpreted her mother's reaction could completely rid that belief from her mind. It wasn't until years later, after she experienced for herself what it felt like to be fearful for another's safety that she had realized that she had been wrong and they had been right. What she had seen had been her mother's fear for her and her determination to protect her. Was this a similar case? Had she mistakenly held onto this guilt for too long, and would her mother have wanted her to feel this way for so many years? "I'll add that to the things I need to think about." Amanda smiled crookedly, "You know you're not helping me quiet my mind here," she shook her head and ruefully added, "in fact you're just adding to it."

Samara regarded her with a chiding expression, "I do not believe you came to me simply for a sympathetic ear and the mindless soothing of your concerns."

Amanda let out a huff of laughter, "No I didn't," she acknowledged with a smile. She hadn't known the justicar for very long, but the very idea that Samara would do the equivalent of patting her on the head and telling her everything would be alright seemed to border on the absurd.

Seconds later, that smile slipped away as Amanda thought about the fact she wasn't done telling Samara about what had happened on Mindoir. She sighed, "Back to what happened on Mindoir..." She glanced out the window at the view of the planet below as she thought about what she wanted to say. "I don't know how long I knelt beside her," how long she had cried as quietly as she could beside her mother's body, Amanda thought, but did not say aloud, "before I finally got up and crept to the window to look outside. Batarians prefer to capture when their on a slave grab, but they have no problem killing anyone who fights them. There were a few dead bodies lying on the grass and sidewalks, I recognized most of them, neighbors and people I knew from around the colony. There were some blackened places as well, but I didn't realize until much later that was a sign that some of the batarians were using incendiary ammunition." There had been an odd smell too, burnt mixed in with a slight odor of charred meat. She was glad that she hadn't known what it was then; it was bad enough that she remembered the smell now and knew exactly why those blackened marks had smelt that way. It was one of the reasons she refused to use incendiary ammo on anything except for mechs.

"I realized that I could hear the sounds of fighting off in the distance. I snuck out of the house and carefully made my way toward it." Amanda didn't remember if she had been scared that day or not. She remembered the rising heat as the sun rose toward noon, heralding another hot summer day. She remembered how the droning of the insects around the dead bodies and her footsteps had seemed so loud while everything seemed oddly quiet and still at the same time. She remembered how she had felt numb and a bit disconnected from what was going on around her, and how she had desperately wanted to find her father or another colonist. "I think I was hoping that maybe my father was still alive and fighting the batarians along with the other colonists," she explained to Samara, very aware of the asari's intent expression as the justicar listened to her. "It wasn't though; it was a group of five Alliance Marines. The batarians outnumbered them and since there was a dead Marine lying in the grass between the aliens and where I was hiding, I guessed that the Marines were retreating."

"The dead Marine's rifle was lying on the ground about ten feet away from me. I had played enough shooter games and seen enough action videos to know that if I could get that rife and fire on the batarians from where I was behind them that it would help the Marines." Amanda fell silent, there had been another reason she had wanted that weapon. As soon as she had seen the batarians something in her had woken and driven away some of the numbness. Anger and hate for the batarians, the desire to kill them...any one of them. Over time those emotions had faded, but she still fought them within herself to this day. Almost letting that batarian on Omega die of the plague simply because of his race was proof enough of that. She bowed her head, "And by then I burned with the desire to kill them," her tone betrayed the truth of what she was saying, remembered anger a darkly ardent undertone, "I hated them all for what they had done to my mother, to my teachers, to everyone." She drew in a bitter breath, "And despite the fact that I had done what my mother told me to do, I hated myself for doing nothing as they killed her," she added quietly.

"Amanda," Samara said, sounding troubled.

The brown haired woman turned her head and held up one hand as she looked over at the asari, silently asking for a moment. She closed her eyes and took in a deep calming breath; she was neither sixteen anymore or on Mindoir. When she opened her eyes several seconds later they were once again clear. She let her hand drop back to her side, "It's alright," she interrupted before Samara could say anything else. "I've had a few years of therapy and time to come to terms with what happened that day. My dislike of batarians is still something I struggle with," she admitted, "but I don't feel like shooting every batarian I meet anymore. I'm just telling you about what I felt at the time, what was motivating me." Their eyes met and for once Amanda's gaze was more calm and accepting than the asari's. After a moment's study of her expression the justicar nodded in acceptance.

Amanda turned her thoughts back to the past, "I crawled across the grass to the rifle, keeping an eye on the batarians who were focused on the Marines firing at them, grabbed it and then crawled back behind the building as fast as I could. It took me a minute or so to figure where things were on it and how to fire it. It wasn't quite as simple as just point and shoot like in the video games I had played. As soon as I thought I understood how it worked, I knelt down and eased forward until I could see one of the batarians. I aimed the rifle at him and then I made the basic mistake of squeezing the trigger and holding it," Amanda smiled grimly, "I wasn't prepared for the recoil or the way the barrel rose. The rifle was pointed a few feet up in the air instead of at the batarian by the time I let go of the trigger. Luckily for me it didn't matter. I suspect the few shots that did hit him took out his shields and one of the Marines got him because he was lying on the grass dead by the time I thought look and see what happened to him and if he was going to shoot back at me."

"The batarians started firing in my direction. I ducked back behind the building, and tried to think of what to do. I knew one shot would hurt or kill me," Amanda hesitated, her mood turning grim as she remembered that moment, "and honestly at that particular time I wasn't really certain if I cared." It was true, she hadn't really cared if she lived or died, only that she struck back at them somehow. "As soon as I stopped hearing projectiles hit the building I was hiding behind I moved forward again and as soon as I saw another batarian I started firing at him. This time I remembered to burst fire, which was a bit more of a trick with a real weapon than simply holding down a button for a second or two."

"The batarian was turning to fire on me when his shields failed and I shot him in the head," Amanda said flatly. She heard Samara draw in a breath at this, but the justicar didn't say anything. "I knew it was my shot because of the hole I could see and the blood spattered on the crate behind him," she continued. "I felt a sense of satisfaction.... and I felt sick. Everything suddenly felt..." Her light grey eyes narrowed as she tried to find the words to explain it, finally she shrugged, "Real again, I guess, like some of the numbness was gone."

Amanda fell silent for a brief moment before musing, "I thought I had forgotten most of that, but I guess those were some of the memories which had just one pathway to them or something." She shook her head; it was strange being able to remember so much of that day once again. "Anyway, the sound of projectiles hitting the side of the building made me move back again, but this time it didn't stop. I guess the remaining batarians decided to split their attention between the Marines and me. That was enough though; it allowed the Marines to kill the rest of them."

"It got quiet and then I heard the Marines calling out to me... well to whomever had helped them really because they were shocked when I stepped out from behind the building." Amanda smiled wryly, "They were expecting someone older and were impressed at what I had done." A second went by and the smile on her face faded as she confessed, "I didn't feel like talking to them much right then. They had landed from the Alliance carrier, SSV Einstein, in response to our signal for help. They wore armor and had weapons, seemed so strong and confident, and they were there to stop the batarians." Her jaw set in a grim line, "And I had hidden while my mother was killed. I'm sure they didn't understand why I wasn't exactly eager to tell them how I had managed to escape capture. Or why I didn't seem to be feeling especially proud of how I had helped them. All I was thinking about as I felt the weight of the rifle in my hands was that if I had one of these earlier I might have been able to do something besides hide and keep silent as the batarians killed my teachers and my mother. But I hadn't and I didn't. All I knew was how to pretend fight and make it look good on stage, the time I had spent goofing off and playing video games seemed more useful right then than anything I had learned studying with Madame LeCroix."

Beside her the justicar shifted her weight from one foot to the other and Amanda could almost sense the asari's desire to disagree with her, but Samara didn't say anything. She looked over and gave the asari a reassuring look, "It's alright, there's a lot of difference between how a teenager interprets a situation and how an adult interprets the same situation. I know now that if I'd had a weapon back then I'd probably just have gotten myself and anyone with me killed. The video games I played might have given me a clue about how to aim and shoot a rifle and to duck when someone shot at me, but their definitely inadequate at teaching how real combat feels and how real sentient opponents fight." Her lips curved upwards in a wry smile, "Besides," she added dryly knowing that this was the truth, "if I'd had found a rifle and picked it up my mother would have taken it away from me so fast I'd barely had time to register that I'd actually managed to hold it for a second."

Her comment had the welcome side effect of lightening the solemn mood between them, and she was pleased to see Samara's lips curve upward in an answering smile. "I had seen recruitment videos," Amanda continued, "and I had heard the arguments about the Alliance not doing enough to protect the colonies. As I mentioned, my father was ex-Alliance Navy. He served a regular five year enlistment before getting out and going back to school to get a dual degree in business and agriculture. Every time someone complained he always counter argued that if more people joined the military then the Alliance might have a large enough force to garrison something more than a small scouting unit on every colony world. That we might get enough troops stationed on Mindoir to actually dissuade the batarians and pirates from attacking, and if they did attack would be big enough to defend us instead of relying on the Alliance Navy patrols getting the alert and responding in time to stop the attack before too much damage was done."

Meeting Samara's gaze, Amanda stated, "That was the moment I first began thinking about joining the Alliance Marines when I got old enough instead of continuing my performance art training." She had expected to feel as if the justicar's pale blue eyes were staring right through her, instead she found the asari's calm gaze steadying. "It was a few hours before there were enough Alliance forces on Mindoir to drive off the batarians." She began summarizing the last few hours of the attack and the following two days. "The slaver's attack was well coordinated and they had a sizable force. By the time it was over, the batarians had killed most of us and dragged the rest off to be slaves. I was one of the very few survivors left. I later learned that my father had died early on in the attack. My only remaining living relative was my father's mother, Alexandria Shepard who lived in New York City."

"The Appellate Court Judge," Samara said, recalling their conversation in the docking bay with Detective Anaya.

Amanda nodded, "The Alliance had me on a ship headed back to Earth and my grandmother two days after the attack." Her memory of her grandmother had her cocking her head to the side as she studied the justicar, "You remind me a bit of her," Amanda said thoughtfully, "the wisdom in your eyes. The sense of having seen many things, both good and bad."

Samara stared back at her for a moment looking faintly surprised at her comment, and then gracefully inclined her head in acknowledgement. "I do not doubt that your grandmother gained much experience with both during her time as a judge for your people."

"She had been a judge for thirty-eight years when I came to live with her," Amanda thought about that for a moment and then added, "not in the same court of course. She started out as a New York State assistant district attorney, then became a state criminal court judge and worked her way up to being a federal judge." Her thoughts turned toward the day the ship had arrived at Earth, "I hadn't seen her since my grandfather's funeral five years earlier. She came onto the ship, met me in my room and just wrapped her arms around me." Her eyes closed, "We cried," she felt the sting of tears as the memory of her grandmother's arms around her drew up emotions from long past. Amanda felt a few slip free and trail warm down her cheeks. In the quiet of the room, she heard Samara draw in a deeper breath. She drew in a shaky breath of her own, opened her eyes, and raised her hand to wipe her tears away. It was time to move on.

"I wanted to enlist in the Alliance military as soon as I was old enough," she willed her voice to be steady, "but my grandmother talked me into completing high school and then applying for the Academy to get an officer's commission." As she continued speaking, the painful emotions eased and it became easier to speak. Finally she felt able to glance back over at Samara as she spoke, "Though she didn't initially like the idea, I ended up going to New York Military Academy, a military preparatory boarding school about sixty miles north of the city in the Hudson Highlands area. Mindoir wasn't a crowded settlement, and quite frankly at the time I found New York City to be a bit overwhelming," she ruefully admitted. "I liked the idea of getting out of the city, and my grandmother had to acknowledge that work kept her really busy during the week so I wouldn't have seen much of her anyway. Instead we both concentrated on the weekends, she came up and rented a hotel room or picked me up and I spent the weekend with her." Amanda turned toward the asari and away from the window, "We made it quality time together."

"I know my grandmother hoped that military boarding school life would cause me to rethink my decision to join the Alliance Marines." Remembering her grandmother and some of the discussions they had had about her future, Amanda smiled. Then it had been rather annoying, though neither of them had allowed their discussions to become arguments. "She didn't want me to give up my dreams of becoming a dancer. Failing that, she would have preferred that I follow in her or my grandfather, John Shepard's, footsteps and become a lawyer, or if I needed to protect people, my great-grandfather's, Philip Mistotakis, footsteps and be a police officer." Amanda drew in a sighing breath, "She especially wanted me to stay on Earth instead of going back out to the colonies. That didn't happen. The more I studied, trained, and participated in military and athletic activities like martial arts and soccer, the more I was certain that joining the Alliance Marines was exactly what I wanted to do." Amanda chuckled, "In which case, I was still following family tradition on all sides of my family, Shepard, O'Neill, Lewis and Mistotakis."

Amanda noted the gleam of curiosity in Samara's eyes at her comment, but decided not to elaborate. Her grandmother had been a bit of a genealogist, she didn't want to get side-tracked into a discussion of her ancestry and her ancestors who had served in Earth's various militaries. "Grandmother didn't press going to law school with me once it was clear that wasn't an interest of mine. I suspect she learned the pitfalls of that with my father. As I mentioned, both of my grandparents were lawyers, and I know they wanted my dad to follow in their footsteps and go to Columbia University School of Law. He wasn't interested in getting a higher education then, so instead he joined the Alliance Navy and went to the Alliance's technical school to learn how to be an equipment maintenance technician." Amanda shrugged, "I think my dad just preferred doing things with his hands, he loved being out in the fields and working on the farm equipment." She had never truly understood her parent's love of the land. She had loved her home and she had loved them, but their passion for working with the soil...she hadn't shared that love with them. She had and still loved doing things with her body.

"I too had no desire to continue my scholarly studies past those required of all young asari," Samara remarked when Amanda didn't immediately continue speaking, drawing Amanda's attention away from her thoughts. "I decided to go into commando training instead. Were your grandparents displeased with your father's choice?"

"Eh," Amanda raised her hand and waggled it from side to side, "I wouldn't say they were displeased, but they would have rather he went to an Academy and became an officer. I know my grandmother was relieved that she talked me into that much. It wasn't difficult for her to do; even then I knew I'd be much happier being an officer and at least have a chance of making the decisions, or at least have a voice in making the decisions, which I would have to carry out."

For a few brief seconds Samara smirked, Amanda had time to look once and then, with a double-take, look again to verify her first impression before it was gone. "You do not seem the type to meekly follow another's orders unless they are ones with which you are in agreement," Samara observed in an amused tone.

Feeling a bit defensive, Amanda replied, "I can follow orders."

"I did not say that you cannot," Samara responded mildly. "Leadership comes naturally to you and you are gifted at it. I cannot see you meekly following the orders of someone less gifted than you, especially if you judged those orders to be morally wrong or likely to result in unnecessary casualties."

She couldn't, and more importantly didn't want to, disagree with that statement. "True," Amanda acknowledged with a nod, "I would have serious issues with such orders. Fortunately, the Alliance doesn't have the numbers to tolerate grossly incompetent officers who get people killed. As for orders which are in violation of military law, or which would require me to violate my honor as a Marine or sully the reputation of the Alliance Marine Corps, I've certainly never been given such an order and would challenge it and the issuer if I were given one." And that was a contributing factor to her current dilemma. She had not had any significant issues with her superiors, subordinates, or the Alliance military in general until she had been made a Spectre, and then a whole host of people suddenly thought they needed to question her competence and/or loyalty.

"Being a Marine is very important to you isn't it?" Samara's pale blue eyes were keen upon her.

Amanda realized she had unconsciously straightened and squared her shoulders as she spoke, and made an effort to relax her stance. She sighed, "That's not quite the right way to think about it. It goes beyond just being important to me. When the Systems Alliance military began training its own Marine recruits, they examined over six hundred years worth of recruit training methods and then sought the assistance of sociologists and psychologists. Our training today is directly based on the Marine training of the old United States Marine Corps and the British Royal Marines. Alliance Marine Basic Recruit Training is twenty weeks of intensive training and..." she smiled wryly, "well they call it character conditioning, but it's really indoctrination." She met Samara's eyes, "By the end of boot camp you haven't just learned the skills and knowledge required to be a Marine, you are a Marine or you've been failed out of training."

She grimaced, her memory reminding her of a few notable exceptions. "Of course there are always those who somehow manage to slide through without the drill instructors realizing they aren't Marine material, but honestly that's rare. I've only run into three and I helped get all three of them court marshaled and discharged. They were using their positions in supply to smuggle illegal technology and drugs between colonies. I contacted NID with my suspicions and then worked with them to get all three put away in jail." Seeing the slight frown form on Samara's face, she explained the acronym, "Systems Alliance Naval Investigative Division." Realization lit the justicar's pale blue eyes and the asari nodded in understanding.

Amanda sighed, and gestured to the floor, this discussion was turning out to be more involved than she had anticipated. "Mind if we take a seat for the rest of this?" She didn't really expect that Samara would object and wasn't surprised when the justicar merely shook her head and went to sit in her usual spot. At least the asari still seemed very interested in the conversation, even if it was taking her awhile to get to the point of it.

"I've been a Marine ever since I completed the modified version of basic training Marine officer cadets take during the summer that follows their first year at SAMA," Amanda commented as soon as they were both settled. "Twelve years of active service, nine as an officer, and eight as a Special Forces officer. When I went to the Citadel to ask the Council for assistance, Captain Bailey of C-Sec took care of straightening out my legal situation as far as the Citadel and Council are concerned. That didn't include the Alliance military however, there's a specific way you're supposed to repatriate POW/MIA personnel in the Alliance which I short-circuited by getting reinstated as a Spectre and then immediately heading out to stop the Collectors."

"You remember that I said I had been considering whether or not I should resign my commission before I died?" Upon Samara's nod Amanda continued, "I could have taken the time to fill out the paperwork and send it in through Anderson if I'd been really serious about it." She leaned forward and supported the weight of her upper body by resting her elbows on her thighs. A deep frown formed upon her face, "I could send in the paperwork now, authorize Anderson to act as my legal proxy for this and get things at least started if not completely squared away with the Alliance."

"I've been giving that some serious thought since Illium, telling myself that I've made the decision to resign my commission, why not just go ahead and put in the paperwork and get it done." Amanda hesitated a second before reluctantly admitting, "Only the more I thought about actually sending in that paperwork, actually resigning my commission...the more I realized how hard actually taking that final step is for me." Her voice got quieter, "It's made me realize just how much I've shaped my life around being a Marine and an officer." Her eyes sought the justicar's, "I thought that maybe talking about it with you would help me resolve it one way or another so I could put it behind me."

Samara studied her intently, her expression thoughtful. Finally she nodded. Still she didn't immediately speak. Several seconds passed before she said, "There are many challenges, both personal and mission related, which currently confront you. Are you certain this a decision that must be made before we pass through the Omega 4 relay and confront whatever lies on the other side?"

Amanda responded with a rueful smile. It was a good question, "I've asked myself that already, but I can't get this out of my head. I learned the same day as I awakened that the Alliance and Council began discrediting both me and everything I'd said about the Reapers immediately following my death. Then I went to the Citadel and spoke to the Council and heard it for myself. I managed to mostly avoid thinking about it for almost two months after that, and then I finally read the files the Illusive Man sent me while in transit to Illium. In the past week or so it's really started to dominate my thoughts, but I can't seem to get anywhere with making a firm decision about it." Amanda grimaced as she admitted, "My thoughts and my feelings are just chasing each other around in my head. I was hoping that if I talked about it with you I might start thinking about all of it more logically and less emotionally."

Silence fell between them once again while Samara considered the human across from her. "You began this conversation by saying that you felt as if both your professional and personal lives had been shattered," the justicar commented when she spoke next, "and that you were trying to decide how you wished to rebuild them. I believe I understand why you became a Marine, but I do not understand why the actions of the Alliance and Council following your death are affecting you as strongly as what you have said to me would indicate. Before today I was not even aware this was a matter of such concern to you."

Amanda stared at the justicar in some bemusement as she realized that although this had been a frequent topic of her recent thoughts, she had not actually said much about it to anyone. Just the brief mention of it last week aboard Rayna's ship. "I guess I haven't spoken much about this," she responded, "it's really only dominated my thoughts..." Her mouth twisted in a somewhat bitter smile as she realized exactly when this had become an issue, "It's only dominated my thoughts since I started getting over being bothered by how many cybernetic and synthetic parts I have in me now. I seemed to have sorted through one issue only to have another one come to light," she said with a frown.

Samara's expression gentled, "I am pleased to hear that you are coming to terms with the changed nature of your body, Amanda."

Shepard was at first confused and then touched by the asari's words. Samara was right; it was a major milestone, even if it had been promptly replaced by yet another issue. She nodded. "It's taken me awhile but I think I'm finally coming to terms with what Cerberus did to me to get me back on my feet...and even to appreciate some of it."

The asari smiled at that before her expression turned more thoughtful. "Perhaps is not surprising that you would come to terms with one difficulty only to discover another that had been overshadowed by the first," Samara commented thoughtfully. "If you explained further why you feel so troubled by the Alliance's actions, you might, as you indicated you wished, begin to think about them less emotionally, and I would better understand why this distresses you so."

Amanda grimaced at that, she hated to think of herself as distressed. Children were distressed, innocent maidens were distressed...Marines were never distressed. But then again wasn't that part of the problem? And it wasn't as if she could exactly disagree with Samara's characterization of her current emotional state.

Annoyed with her thoughts, Amanda expelled her breath in a short huff, and nodded in response to Samara's request. "Then I need to explain something I've only just realized... to what extent I've built my life and identity around being a Marine." Across from her, Samara shifted slightly, settling into what appeared to be more comfortable position. Judging from the justicar's intent expression, the asari seemed to be quite interested in what she was saying.

"As I mentioned," Amanda said, "it started at the New York Military Academy. They had a Systems Alliance Junior Officer Training Program, or SAJOTP, designed to help interested cadets get prepared either for entry into SAMA, the Systems Alliance Military Academy, or going into enlisted training for either the Systems Alliance Navy or Marine Corps. I joined as soon as I started school there. Becoming an Alliance Marine seemed the perfect way to make sure I never had to feel what I felt on Mindoir ever again. I never wanted to feel that helpless again, to never again have to hide and just watch while someone I loved died for me. I wanted to be strong and able to protect others and myself, and I wanted to be able to stop what had happened to my home from happening to anyone else."

Amanda noticed the slight narrowing of Samara's eyes at that and the slight facial shift as the asari subtly frowned. "Naive I know," she acknowledged with a sigh, "no one and no amount of training can guarantee that, but that's what I hoped at the time." Samara's expression softened and she dipped her head briefly in a minute nod. Seeing it Amanda's own expression became softer as she regarded the asari who was rapidly becoming one of her closest confidants. After a moment she continued, "All the energy I put into my dancing and other performance arts skills I promptly put into learning everything my SAJOTP advisor, Chief McDougal who was a retired Systems Alliance Marine, told me would guarantee me a slot at the Systems Alliance Military Academy. I took martial arts training, joined the marksmanship team, and finally the soccer team because he told me having a team sport on my record would look good and it would both teach me how to work with others in a unit and how to keep up with what was going on around me." Flashes of memory from various matches she had played rose within her mind and she smiled, "Chief McDougal was right it did, soccer's a very fast paced game. You have to keep up with the ball, the placement of your team and the opposing team, what they are likely to do, and what tactic you need to use to score."

"I turned eighteen, graduated from the New York Military Academy, and was accepted by the Systems Alliance Military as an Alliance Marine Corps officer candidate," Amanda summed up the ending of two years during which she had left behind one possible future for a completely different one into a single sentence. "Instead of a summer break that year, I along with every other plebe or incoming cadet took two weeks and then started what is known as Plebe Summer. An eight week course designed to introduce new cadets to military life and get us into shape to actually start the Academy in the fall. Unlike some of the other office candidates, most of it was fairly easy for me," she commented with a smile. "That was when I began molding myself into being the best Marine officer I could be."

She paused for a second to collect her thoughts before saying, "I mentioned the character conditioning or indoctrination that goes on in both enlisted training and in officer training." When Samara nodded, she continued, "All militaries indoctrinate their members into certain ways of thinking, and historically the Marines more so than most other militaries. It's where the saying once a Marine always a Marine comes from, the mindset that's drilled into you from the very beginning of your training. It's a code of values, beliefs and behaviors that span the ranks from the lowest enlisted to the highest ranking officer...or it should," Amanda amended darkly.

"Marines have three core values that define them," without consciously thinking about it Amanda raised herself up from the way she had been leaning forward with the weight of her upper body resting partially upon her elbows and straightened her back. "The first is Honor." Amanda's voice strengthened and deepened as she began reciting the three values from memory. Something she didn't notice, but which was definitely noted by the listening asari. "Marines hold themselves to the highest ethical and moral standards. Marines treat others and themselves with respect and act in a manner befitting their standing as a member of the Alliance Marine Corps at all times. The second value is Courage. To a Marine, courage is a combination of mental, moral and physical strength. Courage steadies a Marine and allows them to overcome challenges that might otherwise prevent them from doing their duty. Marines know that courage does not mean an absence of fear, but not letting fear overcome them or stop them from accomplishing their mission. The third value is Commitment. Commitment is what drives Marines to serve the Alliance and those we are sworn to protect with dedication and determination in everything we do and with unswerving vigilance."

Amanda paused as she noticed how intently Samara was staring at her; something she had said had definitely attracted the asari's interest. "Those are all very noble ideals," Samara finally spoke, "and from what I have observed of your actions thus far you consistently strive to uphold them." The justicar's piercing gaze focused on her, "It is admirable."

Now Amanda understood. She had just given the asari a key to understanding her motivations. Not the only one by any means, but an important one which Samara hadn't possessed before since as far as she knew nothing like the Marine's existed on Thessia or the asari colony worlds. "I do my best to," Shepard responded. There was one thing she felt she needed to point out though, "I had a strong foundation of beliefs and morals which I learned from my parents and my grandmother, the Marines just built on what was already there."

Samara merely looked at her for a moment before mildly stating, "I did not think otherwise," in her usual serenely even tones.

Amanda could feel a slight blush heating her cheeks, obviously the justicar considered her previous statement to be self-evident. She nodded and then continued, "The Alliance Marine Corps, the Marines Corps of the United North American States and the Marine Corps units of several nations on Earth all use the same motto. Semper Fidelis. It is Latin for Always Faithful, to the mission, to each other, to the Alliance and Corps, and to those we are sworn to protect." Shepard paused for a second and then said, "I know I mentioned this before, but it bears repeating in this context. Semper Fidelis also refers to the fact that becoming a Marine is a transformation of the self, one that will stay with you throughout the rest of your life." She drew in a slow breath before admitting to the justicar, "Is that perhaps idealistic? Yes of course it is. There are Marines that only give lip service to the Corps ethics and values. That doesn't mean they are well liked or trusted by the rest of us, or that we regard them as being true Marines. They may complete the mission," Shepard reluctantly allowed that as a fact, "but rather like Cerberus they leave such a mess and ill will behind them that others have to fix that they frequently create more difficulty and trouble than they ever solve."

Shepard scowled thinking of the massacre of the surrendering batarians at Torfan and the Marine responsible for ordering it. She was aware that he claimed his actions had actually discouraged anymore batarian attacks. She didn't think so; she thought that the destruction of the pirate's main base of operations had broken their ability to mount any more large scale attacks in the Traverse. What was certain was that now whenever humanity tried to take the ethical high ground with the batarians or anyone else, the massacre at Torfan was always brought up into the conversation. Taking those batarians prisoner and putting them on trial for their crimes, instead of murdering them after their surrender, would not only have still wiped out the base there, destroying the pirates ability to mount anymore major attacks on human colony worlds, but also avoided giving humanities opponents a weapon to use against them. In one hour that Marine had caused the Alliance decades of difficulty in the political arena and besmirched the reputations of both the Systems Alliance and Systems Alliance Marine Crops.

"What are you thinking about?" Samara inquired curiously.

Shepard grimaced. "Torfan," she responded briefly.

Shepard noted sourly that Samara didn't need to ask what she was talking about; it was obvious from the expression that crossed the justicar's face at the word that the asari already knew. "You disagree with what was done there?" the justicar inquired.

"Of course I do," Shepard retorted. "Torfan is a prime example of what I was describing; Sgt. Martin caused the Alliance much more harm that day than he stopped."

"You see it as an instance of taking the expedient path instead of the right path," Samara said, referring to a statement she had made when they first met.

Shepard nodded, "He didn't need to kill those batarians, he let their taunts get to him and then he let his emotions take over. He didn't think about the fact that we would have never released those prisoners to the Hegemony as they were claiming." She shook her head, "They weren't prisoners of war. They were pirates and murderers. The only place they were going was a prison cell for the rest of their lives. Elysium has some tough murder laws. All the Alliance had to prove was that those batarians were knowingly involved in either planning or carrying out the attack in and they would have been charged with a count of murder for every person who died in the attack exactly as if they had pulled the trigger themselves." Seeing Samara's puzzled expression Shepard explained, "Participation in a felony which leads to murder nets you the same charge and sentence as the actual murderer."

"Ah," Samara uttered, now understanding. Shepard could only agree, the prosecutors would have only had to implicate them in some manner with the attack on Elysium and those batarians would have never seen the light of day again.

"Well back to what we were talking about before we got sidetracked onto that," Shepard said after a moment. "There are several other unofficial mottoes besides Semper Fidelis. One of the most honored by us is 'No Marine is left behind.' It's such an integral part of the service that not only do operational plans detail how the tactical recovery of material assets and personnel, more commonly known as TRAP plans, will take place for every mission, but also each unit has several TRAP specialists whose sole duty is to ensure that recovery takes place." She paused for a second, wanting to emphasize this one point, "Marine units plan ahead before the mission so that no Marine is behind in the field, whether alive or dead, unless there is simply no body to recover."

Silence fell between them until finally Samara, realizing that Shepard was waiting for some acknowledgement of the statement, nodded.

Shepard reached up to rub her face with one hand; from here it got slightly painful again. Thinking about some of the things that happened even before her death angered her, it had at the time and it still did now. "I was a Special Forces Marine officer," she began, "I knew something was up as soon as I got my posting to the SSV Normandy SR1. XO of some experimental frigate," Shepard shook her head, "that was a post that should have went to some Navy officer not me. I was expecting a groundside posting or maybe being put in charge of one of the larger Marine units aboard a heavy cruiser. When I got there and found out that not only was there another N7 aboard, but the other N7 was Captain Anderson I knew something was up. Two N7's for a shakedown cruise of a frigate, one of which was the most decorated N7 in Alliance history?" her voice as she told her story held her remembered disbelief. "And then the turian Spectre came aboard to purportedly keep an eye on the Council's investment. I wasn't that surprised when it turned out the actual mission was to transport a prothean artifact that had just been discovered on Eden Prime." She smiled wryly at Samara, "I was surprised though when I found out I was being evaluated to join the Spectre's. Then Sovereign, Saren and his geth attacked Eden Prime and everything started to fall apart. Nilus got killed, and I accidentally came into contact with the beacon and received its warning message."

"After a bit of running around," she had to smile just a little at that summation of two days hunting down leads on the Citadel and the finale of shooting up Chora's Den, "We heard about a quarian that had information about the Geth and Saren. It was Tali; she had salvaged some information from a geth memory core, part of that was an audio record of Saren talking to Lady Benezia. The recording was enough proof of Saren's actions to persuade the Council to revoke his Spectre status. I was made a Spectre by the Council in a public relations media event, and then told to go see Ambassador Udina to get everything else squared away. Udina commandeered the Normandy from Captain Anderson and assigned it to me. It was still crewed by Alliance personnel and registered to the Alliance. Also all maintenance and purchase requisitions still went though and were funded by the Alliance instead of the Council, and I was still paid my regular Lt. Commanders pay. In many ways it seemed as if nothing had changed, except now I had the title and some powerful rights and privileges I hadn't before. Udina gave me some leads on Saren and sent me off after him."

She chuckled at the bemused look on Samara's face after her recitation. She had felt much the same as the Normandy left dock, never had she been given so little information about what she was supposed to do and about her mission parameters. "What the Council members said to me when they made me a Spectre and what I could find in the codex entries, was about the extent of what I learned about I should be doing."

Samara shook her head, "It is truly difficult to believe that the Council would give you so little information about your new duties and responsibilities. I spent years training to become a justicar. By the time I was entitled to wear these," the asari reached up and touched the red symbols on her forehead, "I knew exactly what was required of me."

"It was more than a bit disconcerting to me as well," Shepard replied drily. Her mood sobered, "Especially since that's when things started falling apart when it came to me and the Alliance." She was aware of Samara's gaze sharpening upon her. "I first became aware something was wrong when my requisitions to pay for basic supplies and armor for Garrus and Tali were denied because they weren't Alliance and no one had authorized their presence aboard the Normandy." Her jaw tightened in remembered anger, "And no, I didn't have sufficient rank to authorize them myself since I was still only a Lt. Commander as far as the Alliance was concerned. They even denied my request for reimbursement for the new armor and weapon's I bought myself, Williams and Alenko. I got a message back from disbursement that we had been issued armor and weapons, and anything over and above that was our own responsibility."

Shepard felt the need to move, with a brief apologetic look a Samara she rose to her feet and paced over to the window. She crossed her arms over her chest as she stared out hard eyed, "It left me scrambling for ways to pay for the things I knew my team needed. Special Ops training had taught me that anything that hampered the mission was a challenge to be adapted to and overcome." She looked over at the asari who had risen as well, "So that's what I did. Back then the Systems Alliance was paying a bounty for the survey locations of valuable mineral deposits. Between that and reselling the functional weapons and technology we scavenged from the geth during our hunt for Saren, we actually ended up doing quite well and managed to get the weapons, armor and upgrades we needed to stand up to Saren's forces."

"My second notice that the Alliance brass was displeased with me was I returned to the Citadel after rescuing Liara from Saren's geth and Admiral Malkeovitch was waiting on the dock for me." Her eyes narrowed as she remembered her disbelief, her sense of confusion and betrayal at being confronted by an Admiral in such an insulting manner. "Right in front of my crew he asked me if I still remembered the color of my blood. Bluntly implying that was betraying humanity and the Alliance because I had let a turian and other non-humans aboard the Normandy."

"Granted he finally allowed that maybe I was making the best use of the Normandy possible," Shepard reluctantly allowed, "but no one had told me that I was supposed to be the Alliance's personal human centric Spectre that was actually only loyal to them instead of to the Council and all the Council races. Nor did they inform me beforehand that I was supposed to be humanities poster girl, only there weren't supposed to be any non-humans in that picture with me. Udina wasn't shy about letting me know that he did not appreciate the fact that every time I was on camera there was someone who wasn't in an Alliance uniform standing behind me. Said that it implied that humanity couldn't handle this own their own, that they had to have help from the other Council races to get anything done."

Shepard shook her head, "I devoted myself to learning what I needed to learn to become the best Marine possible even before I went to the Academy. Once there, I devoted just as much effort into becoming the best Marine officer I could be. I rallied the civilian defense forces on Elysium two months after graduating from the Academy and managed to delay the pirate raiders attacking the colony long enough for the Alliance to drive them away. Then I qualified for Special Forces training and once again I devoted my entire being to passing the training and then being the best Special Forces Marine Officer possible. I was one of the youngest to achieve my N7 ranking, which is the highest skill level you can achieve as a Special Forces member."

She looked over at Samara, "All of that and it took the Alliance brass less than a month to start questioning my motives and loyalty once I became a Spectre. They listened to the turian Councilor and Udina, and believed that my contact with the prothean beacon had made me mentally unstable. They denied me a promotion because I had a multi-species crew. They questioned my decision to save the Council and Destiny Ascension because Liara was my lover. They ignored all the solid tactical reasons for my decision in favor of believing that it was only because of her that I spared an asari ship and an asari led Council. And once I died, they lost no time tearing apart everything I had said and denying my warnings. They publicly tarnished my reputation and insinuated that I had cracked under the stress of combat while pursuing Saren."

She paused for a long moment and then quietly added, "Finally, they left my body where it fell on Alchera. They left it there for the Blue Suns to find and for the Shadow Broker to buy so that he could trade it to the Collectors. I went down to the site where the ship crashed and found the helmet I had been wearing when I died. It's in the Armory now, sitting on one of the shelves. Jacob repaired it."

In the silence of the room Shepard could hear the quiet sound of the ship around them, the hum of the ship's massive eezo core, and the sound of air being forced through the ships vents. Shepard just listened to quiet sounds for a moment longer before she turned and looked at Samara. "I know that I wouldn't be alive now if the Blue Sun's hadn't found me." Her voice became firmer as she continued speaking, "I know that it's a good thing that the Alliance didn't recover my body because what I'm doing now has to be done. The Collectors have to be stopped. We have to get the information we need to persuade the Council that the Reaper threat is real."

"But in doing all those things they broke faith with you," Samara said, coming over to stand in front of her. "They failed to value your years of faithful and honorable service to them, and showed that their own honor, courage and commitment were easily discarded when they prove obstructive to their purpose. In the end they lessened themselves in your eyes, and now you question whether or not you wish to be commanded by them any longer."

Well that was everything pretty much in a nutshell, Shepard had to acknowledge. She bowed her head, "I feel like a hypocrite though," she admitted.

When the justicar didn't immediately respond, Shepard reluctantly lifted her gaze. Samara was staring at her searchingly, the asari's pale blue eyes keen and piercing. After a moment the asari chided her, "Why? Because you do not regret being alive? Because you now have another chance to fulfill your duty? You should not," the justicar stated without hesitation.

"I told you the first time we spoke that I have been a justicar for over four hundred years," Samara continued speaking, "and that I gave up all of my possessions and my family to join the Order. I undertook rigorous training that has a high causality rate and memorized all five thousand sutras of the code. I said earlier that by the time I was entitled to wear the symbols of the order I understood exactly what was required of me. That is true; it is also true that by the end of my training I had done more than just learned how to be a justicar." Samara's eyes were solemn as she declared, "I am a Justicar now, the Code is central to my life. When you speak of your training doing more than just teaching you the skills necessary, but also transforming you into a Marine... When you speak of embracing that transformation with all your being because it is what you both desire and need... I understand, for in my past I have undergone something similar."

Human and asari stared into one another's eyes, and Shepard could tell that Samara did understand. She nodded, maybe she had unconsciously known that, maybe that was one of the reasons she felt comfortable discussing this with the justicar. "And now we come back to the decision facing me," Shepard said, crossing her arms once again. "On one side I have all the reasons I decided to leave my childhood dreams behind me and become a Marine in the first place. On the other side..." she looked into Samara's eyes, "you're absolutely right. I'm not sure I want to put myself in a position where the Alliance feels it has the right to command me again. I'm feeling pretty disillusioned with the entire organization right now."

Shepard paced forward a few steps, "They made themselves very difficult to work with even before my death." She stopped and turned to face the asari, "If I hadn't been trying to keep in Admiral Hackett's good graces, I probably would have gone after Saren at least a week earlier. I swear, every time I turned around he was contacting me saying I know you're a Spectre now and don't have to do this, but your still human and you're still Alliance, so while you're in the area could you look into..." she flung out her hand in a gesture of frustration, "this base we've lost contact with, this hostage situation that needs to be peaceably resolved and so forth."

She shook her head, her expression a cross between irritation and disbelief, "You would think I was the only competent N7 in the entire Alliance, when I know for a fact there are around a thousand active N7's," she exclaimed to Samara. Shepard choked back a bitter laugh, "I don't know what it says about me and this situation that one of the foremost reasons in my mind for leaving the Alliance is so I don't have to hear another Admiral say, 'I know you're a Spectre but...' ever again."

Her shoulders slumped and she hung her head, "I think of the Alliance brass now and I just feel disappointment and anger. I feel like maybe I was naive in believing everything I was taught me about being a Marine. Or maybe it is all just politics and backstabbing at the levels I was suddenly expected to play in." She looked up at Samara and explained, "Before being made a Spectre, I had only talked to an Admiral while giving a briefing, and then I was only answering their questions. I wasn't ready to deal with them, especially when I couldn't figure out how I was supposed to treat them. I had no idea if they were still my superiors or not," Shepard growled. "At least Admiral Hackett didn't seem to mind that I had non-human crewmembers, and back then he trusted my judgment enough that when I asked he committed the entire Fifth Fleet and saved the Destiny Ascension. So maybe all those missions I did for him paid off, at least for them and the Council," Shepard said, more speaking to herself than to Samara at this point.

Shepard sighed, turned toward the window and the view of space, "I've spent most of the last ten years fitting into the ideal of the perfect Marine and perfect officer because I believed that was the best way I could defend those that couldn't defend themselves." Shepard shrugged a bit despondently, "I guess I was right. After all, the moment I stepped outside of the approved image of the Special Forces Marine officer to be a Council Spectre the Alliance started questioning me." She turned and started pacing toward the bookshelves on one side of the room, "Only now I'm starting to wonder if fitting myself into that mold is really something I want to continue doing or if it's even really necessary anymore." She stopped, turned and looked at Samara who was still standing in the same place watching her, "Would I stop being a Spectre just because I can go to a nightclub and dance as well as anyone there including most of the asari?" She asked and then continued before the bemused looking asari could answer. "Or because I can sing and play a keyboard? Am I any less a competent Marine because I can put on makeup, wear four inch heels without breaking an ankle or falling down, and be very feminine for a night out on the town? Am I any less a person or worthy of respect because I happen to like sex, and being sexy?"

She noticed the puzzled expression on the asari's face, and with a sigh said, "Sorry, human male-female issues. We've come far, but some men," she growled underneath her breath, "and some women, still have narrow-minded notions of how women are supposed to act. Humans have a tendency to want to put people in little square holes and then get upset when you don't fit. Respectable female Marine officers are supposed to all act a certain way. Special Forces officers are supposed to act in slightly another," Shepard explained. "I don't actually fit into either, I just stopped doing the things that jarred with the image I needed to maintain in order to do my job and be an effective officer. You simply cannot get most human males, and some human females," she added, "between the ages of eighteen and approximately twenty-five to pay attention to you as an officer if their too fixated on the fact that you actually do possess breasts and a vagina instead of being some vaguely asexual being."

The startled and slightly dubious look on Samara's face as her eyes flitted up and down Shepard's body for a second was priceless. It was obvious the asari was wondering exactly how one ignored the fact that Shepard was a female of her species. She smiled, it did seem to defy common sense, but it was also true. "You can't let them see you as a sexual being. You are at most a female Marine and a female officer, not a woman," she attempted to explain. "It was bad enough that I was gay and they had all these images in their pea brains about me being with another woman to distract them. Add in a few titillating things on top of that and it got very difficult to maintain proper command and discipline over them. Either I was too soft and they kept looking at me inappropriately, or I was too harsh and they thought I was a twisted bitch who enjoyed punishing them." She paused, a slight and not entirely nice smile curving her lips and a dark glint showing in her eyes, "That certainly wasn't true, if I'd been punishing them that way I would have gotten a lot more enjoyment out of it than I did," she muttered to herself.

Amanda did notice the sudden sharp look Samara directed her way which was evenly laced with frowning confusion, but ignored it for the time. She remembered how the first asari she had ever been with, Mareena, had been surprised by how she had reacted to certain stimuli, the questions she had asked, and the things she had suggested. It hadn't taken long for surprise to turn into intrigue and then into a very satisfying two days of sexual exploration for both of them since it was Mareena's first time with a human as well. Amanda still had no idea if the asari, with their different physiology and social structure, naturally explored power exchanges during sex or not. Certainly Mareena hadn't been familiar with it, and Amanda hadn't touched on the subject with either Shi'ara or Liara. She would have eventually with Liara, but she hadn't felt any desire to explore that with the young maiden during their two months together and aboard the Normandy was not the appropriate place for such exploration in any event. If asari did play sexual power games with each other, then Samara certainly hadn't, because the justicar would have figured out what Amanda meant by her comment and it was obvious that Samara was unsure. She didn't feel like informing the justicar either, maybe later or if Samara asked, but not right now.

"Either way, it was impossible to function." Shepard continued, and then thinking about what she had just said and the way she knew it sounded, she grimaced. She wasn't being fair. "I am being overly harsh, it wasn't even most of them, but it was enough of them to make it clear that it would be a continuing and possibly growing issue if I didn't quash the rumors about my sex life. Because of that, I made the decision to leave that part of my life behind me." She frowned remembering her acute annoyance and resignation at the time. Mistress Leonora hadn't been pleased, but she had understood. She owned her own business and had to keep the fact that she was a Dominatrix very low key. Amanda shook her head and sighed, that was the past and this was now. "When I met Liara I hadn't had a serious relationship in several years. During the two months we were together, because of my position as commanding officer, we were never publically affectionate with one another." She lowered her gaze to the floor, "Quite frankly she deserved better," she said quietly.

"Perhaps," Samara responded after a moment's contemplation, "but from what you have told me separation of your personal life from your command was necessary."

Shepard frowned, "True," she had to reluctantly agree. That didn't mean however, that she didn't regret the necessity of it. She mused over the conversation so far, "I've mentioned a lot of reasons for leaving the Alliance haven't I," she said quietly. She crossed her arms, "I guess that means I've made my decision. Just... where do I want to go from here?" She shook her head, "I'm thirty-one and I'm trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, how lame is that?"

Samara's brow rose and in a dry tone she informed the human, "I was not a maiden when I decided to become a justicar."

Amanda stared back at her nonplused by her comment for several seconds, and then she grinned, "I'll quit digging that ditch before I fall well and truly into it then. So... your advice then is that I shouldn't feel too embarrassed about that?"

Samara lips twitched in a brief smile, "That would be my advice." The asari's expression was serene, but Amanda could see the faint traces of humor still lingering there in the lightness of it.

"I'll keep that in mind," Shepard replied, glad that the justicar wasn't actually offended, or at least not that offended.

Samara's expression became more serious, the asari's pale blue eyes solemn and thoughtful as they rested upon her. Seconds passed without the justicar saying anything. By now Amanda was beginning to feel rather wary, what was Samara thinking about that would make her look that way and take her so long to come to a decision upon? Finally the justicar asked of her, "Do you feel you have atoned enough for living while your mother died?"

Part of Amanda couldn't believe Samara had just asked that and part of her just winced at the dead on accurateness of it. "There's been more to the last ten years of my life than just that," she protested defensively. There was more to her time in the Marines than just a reaction to her mother's death... and yet she couldn't deny that Samara was right. Joining the Alliance military had been a way for her to atone for her mother's death.

"Undoubtedly," Samara readily agreed. The asari then proceeded to emphasize her point, "As I understand it, when you died you were persuading Mr. Moreau to leave the helm of the Normandy. Do you feel as if he should spend the rest of his life trying to atone to you because his actions played a part in your death?"

Shepard frowned at her, "Of course not," she replied curtly, "And yes I know Joker's atoning in a way, but he's also satisfying his need to be a pilot of something other than a merchant ship after the Alliance grounded him." She looked Samara directly in the eye, "I won't let him sacrifice his life for mine," she said, making a forceful cutting motion in the air with her hand at the same time. "There's no need for it. I was responsible for all the lives aboard that ship. It was my duty to ensure their safety before I ensured my own. That's why the commanding officer is always the last to leave."

Samara simply looked at her, her expression at once serene, compassionate and wise. Amanda's face twitched as her mind filled in what the asari wasn't saying, that it was a mother's duty to protect their child. If she felt there was no need for Joker to atone, why did she feel as if she had to atone for her mother's death? "You enjoy dropping these logic bombs on me don't you?" she asked the justicar, a slight frown turning down the corners of her mouth. She wasn't really upset, but she wasn't exactly appreciative at the moment either.

"No, Amanda I do not," Samara informed her sternly. "However, that was the only reason you mentioned for staying with the Alliance."

Stuck by the seriousness of the asari's expression, Amanda stared at her, now thinking about what Samara had said in a different light. Yes, it had been direct, but she knew it had not been meant to hurt her. Only to make her see what was holding her back from being able to take that final step. She felt her sorrow rise and show itself in her expression, knew that it was by the way Samara's own expression altered. Amanda whispered, "I can't help what I feel, and maybe it was a way for me to hold onto her." She turned away from the asari, turning instead to look out the observation window. Her thoughts wandered in a meandering path between memories of her mother, her time in the Alliance, and her oath as a Spectre. Had she atoned enough for that one well meant, but thoughtless action?

"You have mentioned more than once that part of you has been transformed into a Marine, Amanda," Samara's composed voice broke the silence. Amanda turned her head slightly that way to indicate that she was listening, but didn't turn to face the asari. "And that part of you will always be a Marine. If you are certain that is the truth, then you are only asking yourself whether or not you wish to remain an active member of Alliance military." Amanda frowned thoughtfully as she considered that point, she did believe within herself that she would in some way always be a Marine. "Your honor, courage and commitment have made you the strong and yet compassionate leader you are today. Those who trained you may have been skilled at persuading you to accept the values they were trying to teach you, but you were the one who chose to instill those values so deeply within yourself that you have remained true to them thus far."

By the end of Samara's statement Amanda had turned to face the asari once again. Searching Samara's pale blue eyes with her own, wondering if the justicar truly believed what she was saying. She could only see sincerity reflected within them. Maybe that was what she needed to hold onto. Semper Fidelis, Always Faithful, no matter what anyone else did or how they failed to measure up to the standards they claimed to uphold. Samara was right she would always be a Marine; nothing could take that away from her. She would have to turn her back on the values and beliefs the Alliance Marine Corps, her parents and grandmother had instilled within her first.

Amanda looked at the justicar and let the raw gratitude she felt show, "Thank you Samara for braving my temper to tell me what you knew I needed to hear."

Samara's eyes widened slightly, presumably at the evident emotion in Amanda's voice. The asari inclined her head and then let out a sigh of her own, "This has not been an easy conversation," the asari allowed, "painful emotions have been close to the surface and easily touched upon." Something about Samara's voice drew Shepard's attention. She stared intently at the justicar taking in the pensive expression on the asari's face before Samara noticed her attention and then it was gone, replaced by the justicar's usual serene mask.

Amanda's brows drew together in concern, was Samara saying that something about their conversation touched upon something painful for her? There had been enough hints dropped so far for Amanda to get the clear picture that something traumatic had happened in the asari's past, something that had influenced her to become a justicar. She stared at Samara for a moment longer, figuring out what she wanted to say before finally speaking. "Detective Anaya told me to value you and I do," she had the asari's full attention, "for your strength and wisdom, and I hope for the friendship we are building." She noticed that Samara looked conflicted but pressed on, "It's a two way street, I've spoken to you more than one for an opinion outside of my own. You are always welcome to come to me as well, and I will try to help in whatever way I can."

The asari stared intently at her. Shepard could tell that the justicar was still conflicted, but about what she had no clear idea. Finally, seeming to come to some internal decision, Samara said, "I have always thought it wiser that a Justicar not get too deeply attached to anyone, especially when you do not know them well enough to judge whether or not their actions and the Code might conflict at some point in the future. And yet somehow you have managed to slip past that resolve from almost the beginning. You are so young and yet you have already seen and faced many challenges, been confronted with the necessity of making decisions which would give a matriarch almost a thousand years your elder grave concern. Your experiences have given you wisdom and insight beyond your years and yet you can also be tempestuous and impulsive." Samara smiled, "Which is more of what I had expected of a human. You are an interesting person Amanda Athene Shepard."

Shepard grinned and couldn't help but repeat the almost same thing she had said to Aria, "Well at least I'm not boring to have around."

Continued...