<RING>

"It's her. I can tell by the ring, it's her again. Well, I'm not available, not this time. Just let the machine pick it up and? and what? You know you will hear that voice and you will be bewitched once more. You will end up calling her back. You always do.

NO. NO. Not this time. Besides, it's probably nothing earth shattering, though I'm sure she thinks it is. She's probably in crisis mode again, definitely nothing new about that. Maybe broke up with Karen or is it Missy this time? Shit why should I care?

Because you do, you care for her. You still love her. You will always love her.

Besides she doesn't always call just to get something, does she? I mean sometimes she just calls to talk, that's a good sign isn't it? She is trying to keep the lines of communication open after all? She still loves me.

I have to be here when she needs me. I have to wait for her?she will see it right? She will see she still loves me?

<Shakes head>

NO NO, you idiot, if she loved you she would never have left. If she loved you she would never have cheated in the first place. I mean it's not like I'M the one who walked out. She did and without so much as a backward glance.

<Silence>

<Pause, heart clenches>

Maybe I should have answered the phone. If we are going to get back together I have to be here for her, right?

WRONG. Why? Why should I always be at her beck n' call? It's not like she is there for me. It's not like she has ever been there for me.

Why cant I just get a back bone? Tell her no-- no more car rides, no more strong shoulder, no more phone calls, just NO MORE.

After all, I'm not the one who cheated. I'm not the one who lied about everything.

Lied about everything. Did she lie about everything? Were her sweet words just empty sounds with no substance to them? Were they merely a means to an end? NO! NO! If I though for one moment, after all these years, that she never loved me I could conceivably lose what little mind I have left. I don't care what anyone says, she loved me. She didn't just use me, she loved me, she still does, she just doesn't know it.

<Tear>

Maybe my friends are right about her.

<Snicker>

What friends? Only Steff and Cara have hung tight, she ran the rest of them off. Or did I permit her to isolate me? Didn't I just look the other way when she acted like a bitch to them? Didn't I sit there and agree with her when she said this one was that, or she didn't like that one because of something obscure or nit picky? I never defended them, no wonder they walked away. I was so blinded by my love for her that they gave up on me. That was my fault. I let her manipulate me into believing that I didn't need them? that all I needed was her.

All I need is her. All I want is her. What do I do now?

<Tear>

It's so quiet. Too quiet.

I miss her. I can't help it, I miss her.

I miss our quiet times together. I miss hearing her fussing in the bathroom first thing in the morning. I miss long walks on the beach and sitting on the pier watching the sun set. Has the sun set for me for the last time?

<Smirk>

In a sick way I even miss the arguments.

<RING>

<Startled>

The arguments? those damn tantrums? over and over.

There is no way, NO WAY I was WRONG 100% of the time. But damn if she didn't make me feel that way. I did no right and she did no wrong. You know after years of that you begin to believe that you are nothing, that you are just some slug that she puts up with.

And no matter how hard you try you are never enough. I was just not sexy enough, rich enough, smart enough, thin enough or worst of all, talented enough in the bedroom. Any way you look at it, I was never going to be enough. She would always be looking for someone better. Someone finer. Looking for any one who wasn't me.

<Tear>

<Silence>

Well damn it, I don't CARE what she thinks. I am a good, honest, attractive person. I was a loving partner to her, but she just didn't want that. I think to her these qualities made me weak in her eyes.

I mean, I do have my faults, but damn so did she. Let's face it, we both came into this relationship with a lot of baggage. How many times did I tell her I was tired of paying for crimes I never committed? We both have been used and abused to a greater degree in our lives, but I can not keep paying for sins I didn't commit. Why should I do the time when I didn't do the crime?

I know her mother was an evil woman and treated her like a dog for most of her life while her brother was the golden child, but that was not MY fault. And the other women, the ones that used her and then just threw her away, that was not me, why should I be held responsible for other people's actions?

I loved her with all I was. I thought that my loving her could heal some of those gaping wounds; that some how, some way, my love could stop her bleeding, but it didn't. I was the one that started to bleed. I was the one who became more and more wounded as the time went on.

The funny thing is, at the time, I didn't see it. Or wouldn't see it. I had no idea I was being abused by her. Not like my friends didn't tell me over and over. I thought they were crazy.

Besides I was too busy trying to make it work. I was too busy trying to figure out what was wrong with ME to ever even dream that she could be inflicting this pain on me intentionally.

No, no? she didn't do it intentionally, it was the pain she was in. It was her past taking over the present. I mean, she is a good person. The woman I fell in love with was a wonderful and caring person. I know that woman is still there, deep down, she is still there and she loves me.

If she didn't love me why does she still call? She knows I am always there for her; that I still love her and she still loves me. We belong together, she knows that deep down. That's why she always comes back to me. She wants to keep the communication going cause she knows we belong together.

Yet, if this is so right, why don't I talk to my friends about it?

I'll tell you why, cause they won't understand. They have never liked her so I would just hear the same old same old from them. They will just say she is just a user and an abuser and that I am crazy for even talking with her. Talk her down saying she will never change, but they are wrong. She can change. They haven't seen her good side, the gentle loving caring side that made me fall and fall hard.

I remember. I remember?

Remember? Has it been so long ago since I, myself, have seen the good side of her? Was it really ever there at all or was it just another clever illusion?

Sigh, maybe Cara and Steff are right, I am just one big door mat. They asked me once to take away the love, or what is supposed to be love, out of the equation what do I have left?

<Tear>

Nothing. I have nothing but pain and suffering. Damn it, why can't I just wake up and smell the coffee? Why can't I just let go? Stop grasping at straws that disappear in my hands. Stop making excuses for her that I don't even believe anymore.

They are right, I am an enabler, and I enable her to continue to treat me like shit.

Let's face it, the only luck I have had lately is the fact Cara and Steff are still my friends. They knew me long before her. Thankfully, they will be my friends long after she is gone.

SHE IS GONE, YOU IDIOT.

<Tear>

Yes, she is gone. All I have left of her now is the annoyance of a ringing telephone.

DAMN IT, YOU BITCH! You can ring that phone till we all go ice-skating in hell and I WILL NOT PICK IT UP! I will never pick it up for you again.

They were right, they were all right and I have been a fool to holding on for as long as I did. You left me for some bimbo that threw you over when the next hard body came along. Then what happened? The phone rang and I answered it. I comforted you, dried your tears; I took you back.

Then, the lying started again, the unaccounted for hours. The whispering on the phone, and yet I held out hope that we could be happy again. Then as quickly as you had come, you were gone. My heart was broken again, this time beyond repair.

No more! I have had all I can take. It is time to start facing the fact that you don't love me. Maybe at one time you did, but you don't any more and nothing is going to change that fact.

It is time for me to move on.

Time for me to gather all the strength I have to say goodbye.

<RING>

Hello, yes I'm here??



The end or is it?
Please see The Phone Call - The Other Side of the Ring by Dimples and Lady J. J