<RING>

What happened?! That's all I want to know. . just what the hell happened?

Why does she have to be this way? Why can't she see that I hurt too? Doesn't she realize that this whole situation has been more painful for me than she could ever know? After all, she made it impossible for me to stay. I told her I would have come back if she hadn't moved out so quickly. It has always been about her, never me.

Why can't she see that I am hurting? That I am in pain. Can't she see I ache for her?

<She quietly thinks to herself, her teeth biting harshly into her soft lower lip>

I was hurting her. Why couldn't I be the person she longed for me to be? Why couldn't she just accept me for who I am?

This damned past, it just won't leave me alone. No matter what I do, I can't get away from it. What did I ever do to deserve all this? Why am I always getting dumped on?

I do love her. I really do love her. Why can't she just accept that I love her the only way that I can? The only way I know how?

I guess she can't see that through her hatred and her disgust of me. Especially with her toady little friends dissing me every chance they get. But, on the other hand, why shouldn't she be disgusted with me? Why shouldn't she hate me? After all I've done to her I deserve nothing less.

The only good thing I ever had in this miserable, so-called life of mine was her, and I let her go. No! I pushed her away. I cheated on her. I treated her like crap. I ruined us.

<Shaking her head, a small, crystal clear tear drops from her eye and splashes softly on the table on which she supports herself>

The phone keeps ringing, but there is no answer. There is no hope. All is gone. It's all lost. I know she won't take me back, but do I really want to go back?

Every time she would get too close, I would try to break free. I would go out and cheat on her--why?

<A small, sad laugh escapes her lips>

Why indeed?

.I don't know how to love, I never did

My mother, who was supposed love me unconditionally, filled me with nothing but shattered emotions. Like broken glass, the shards spread all over, with no hope of ever returning to their original state. Those jagged pieces managing to cut me so deeply, it's a wonder I even survived.

Then there were those other women. They would say they loved me, but then all they did was use me. They just got what they wanted and moved on. Never another word, they just left. No one has ever loved me.

Why can't she understand I'm doing the best I can? How can I give something that I never received myself? How can I give something that I don't even know the meaning of?

I can't.

That's why I run. That's why I left her, the only bright light in my dark heart. It doesn't take a genius to figure me out. Yet somehow, I still haven't figured myself out.

What do I want? Where do I want to go? Do I really want this? Do I want to be chained up again?

Listening to that incessant whining day in and day out--'Who called?'--'Where are you going?'--'Who are you meeting after work?' Damn, nag, nag, nag. She made me cheat with all her accusations. I don't care what anyone says, she made me cheat.

If she had trusted me, none of this would ever have happened. Why couldn't she just trust me? I could only take that crap for so long before I broke. I mean, why not go ahead and just do it? She never believed me anyway, so why the hell not? If I had to do the time I may as well have fun doing the crime, right?

She never trusted me, isn't that what love is about? She was always going on and on about how much she loved me; even now she still loves me. What's that about? Her love spread out, giving, unconditional?or was it?

<Chuckling dryly as the ringing continues like a dull sound in the background of her thoughts>

Maybe that is part of my problem with her. All this sappy love stuff makes her seem weak. I despise weakness.

<Shaking her head, she lets it drop onto her forearm as she holds the phone loosely to her ear>

Why am I calling her?

Damn, she probably doesn't even want to hear about me anyway. She didn't care then, why would she care now? I don't think she would care if I dropped off the face of this planet.

Come to think of it that wouldn't be too bad actually. Find myself a cozy little planet, far away from here--far, far away.

<Lost in thought, she shakes her head at herself, at the craziness of these musings>

Why am I calling her again?

Oh yes?Love?

She's always been there for me, hasn't she? Every time I needed something I knew there was someone I could always count on--someone reliable, someone who actually loved me. It's strange to even say that word, love, especially in the same content with me.

Even with my stupid problems with all the other conquests, she was there for me?but why? She may be a helluva lot stronger than I ever gave her credit for?or a helluva lot stupider.

She's always been there, and these other women? Most I don't even remember their names much less be able to count on them if I need someone.

<Shaking her head disbelievingly>

Amazing?

Yes, she is amazing. Through all the fights and all the lies--she corrects herself quickly, and moves on. There was always that silent strength within her. I don't even think she realizes just how strong she is.

There was always one truth for her. She loves me. No, loved me. How can she love me still after all I've done? That would be too farfetched even for my imagination.

All those nights, when I held her, kissed her; I've never felt anything better or more fulfilling in my life. She completed me. She felt so good in my arms. I wish I could feel her, be with her just one more time. One last time so I can imprint the taste of her lips, the smell of her hair in my memories. Maybe I would be lucky enough to see her in my dreams. Nahh, even then she would berate me. Tell me, 'Not even in your wildest dreams will you ever touch me again.'

I guess that deep down I do love her, in my own sad, pathetic way, I do? I love her! There, I said it out loud, or at least, out loud to myself. That's a first step. It's a start. Right?

She has to know it. She has to. But what about Karen?

<A small grin appears>

Whoa, yeah Karen.

And Missy? No, Missy decided she had enough. That bitch, who does she think she is walking out on me?! I'm the one who's supposed who walk away.

<Shaking her head sadly>

Yeah, I do that well, don't I? Throw away, discard? It's all I'm good at it seems. No matter, there are plenty out there. Plenty of women out there that want me. But I want her. Not them, not any more. Do I want to keep throwing my life away and ignore what was there in front of me all along?

No one else ever? Are you quite positive about that?

<Her inner voice could always find the perfect timing to chime in with a two-dime wiseass comment, she hated when it did that?>

But he's right. Can I really discard everything; let everything go, just to be with her? Is it, 'could I' or 'would I'?

I don't want to be alone, not anymore.

I love her, I do.

<Then the ring stops. A soft hello on the other side makes her heart clench. A small smile forming on her lips and the frown that covered her chiseled face eases away.>

"I'm glad you picked up, I needed to talk to you?"


The End


This story is given final conclusion in The Phone Call - The Final Ring