~ The Family Story ~
by Little Bear
Copyright: Ursjohn79 2006
See Part 1 for Disclaimers
Feedback: Let me know what you think. You can comment or email me at littlebearfic@yahoo.com Thanks.
Chapter 8
The writer slowly placed the cordless phone on its base and took the mug of hot coffee to the deck outside. The sun shone brightly, daring her to be morose when the sun winked at her, the waves crashed against the shore, and the breeze caressed her skin.
Sighing she placed the blue mug on the ledge and leaned against the wood, allowing the sun to burnish her skin.
Five days with out her babies. 120 hours with no contact from her friends and family. 7200 minutes of memories bombarding her.
Yet, the person on the other end of the phone call that ended five minutes ago was in cahoots with the vibrant sun; taunting her to come to the bright side. Oh, the caller was unaware of the effect she had on the writer and that's what made it finally wrest some of the fury loose from Gabrielle. Well, that and screaming and sobbing along the shore like a madwoman once the sun set for the past three nights.
Yes, she was betrayed. By the one person she trusted with everything.
She stared as the waves crash to shore. Gazing as far as she could, until the water met the horizon, she felt cocooned by the sounds of the ocean and the absence of life in her corner of the world.
Yes, she was humiliated and pained beyond any other experience thus far.
The writer lounged in the deck chair, consciously relaxed her tense shoulder muscles, closed her eyes and took it all in. The rhythmic sounds from the ocean, the salt-tinged air on each inhale, and the gentle breeze that raised fine blonde hairs on her uncovered arms. She took it all in. Let out some of the rage that had been building for a long time.
So yes, life basically sucked. But…but life was not over and life was meant to be lived. And for her to live was to love. Love Brianna. Love Lance. Love her family. Love her friends. Love life.
And yes, love Bette.
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"Thanks for inviting us to come down. The kids really missed you," spoke Bette softly. She sat in the ruby-red chair adjacent to the denim covered love seat where Gabrielle curled up, sipping steadily from her hot chocolate. The kids were already in bed, exhausted from their earlier romp in the waves and excitement of reconnecting with their Mommy.
"I missed you, too." The words came forth from Bette without her permission. She promised herself she would not pressure, cajole, or try to influence Gabrielle in anyway. Maybe that's the problem, she mused, her need to control everything, including her wife.
"I missed y'all, too. I can only take so much quiet and then I miss all the chaos I think I don't like." She continued to take sips from the chocolate goodness in her mug and gaze out the bay windows into the darkened night. "Tell me about my babies. What have I missed this past week?"
As Bette regaled her with the mischief of their offspring, they found themselves in a true conversation, similar to their phone conversations the past days. There was no underlying tension, just the give and take in dialogue about something they both equally loved.
"…so Brianna felt the need to inform me that I couldn't cook and she refused to eat anything else I tried to make. Her exact words were, 'Mama, why you trying to kill us?'"
Gabrielle let her head loll back and laughed merrily at the picture that appeared in her head of her oldest issuing forth those words, with hands on her non-existent hips, in a stare-off with Bette.
Liking the merriment she found in Gabrielle's eyes, Bette continued, "To make matters worse, Lance joined in and said, 'Yeah, kill us'." They both gave into the giggles and allowed any remaining tension to slowly leave the room with their enjoyment.
"Well, that was the end of me trying to offer home-cooked meals. The delivery guys and me are really good friends now." The indulgent smile and bright verdant eyes consumed Bette. This is what I want, this is what I need…this is what I lost, she thought resignedly.
Mistaking the fleeting look of consternation, Gabrielle teased, "Don't worry about it Baby, I'd rather they not eat take-out everyday, but I don't want you killing the little devils either." She smirked, knowing that Bette's cooking skills were atrocious, outside of 2 or 3 dishes that she could manage well.
Baby? Damn, that feels good. But like all good things in life, especially in Bette's life currently, they must come to an end. She could tell when the words reverberated in Gabrielle's head. The mug stopped short of reaching her lips, she tensed, and the smile vacated her attractive features. What looked back at Bette was no longer the open expression of amusement, nor the twisted look of rage, discontent and pain that has been cemented on her visage for the recent past. Something else took its place and Bette wasn't sure if she liked this new dimension, not knowing what it meant for them.
"Well, I'm heading up. I'm as exhausted as the kids." Gathering the throw and her mug, she rose to leave Bette to the darkness of the evening.
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With her back to the cracked door, she kept her eyes closed and snuggled closer to the warm body pressed into hers. She pressed coral lips to the back of the fair head and smiled lazily. The sun warmed the cocoon that enveloped them and she allowed her mind to wonder idly. She missed this. This non-verbal exchange that warmed her soul and filled her up enough to move throughout her day.
The door opened a bit more and a dark head peered in. Gabrielle didn't have to wait long to guess at who quietly entered the room. And then proceed to loudly shatter the quiet.
"Mama, they still sleep!" bellowed Brianna and closed the door quickly, allowing it to bang on its hinges.
Not anymore, thought Gabrielle, and then had to giggle as she heard Bette reprimand the whirlwind about her noisy behavior. Hearing the low tones downstairs contrasting with the higher ones of her much loved daughter, the writer no longer wanted to luxuriate in her bed.
She gazed at her sleeping little man and brought her index finger across his ribs. Lance distractedly pushed the finger away and turned on his stomach. Between sleep and wake he felt something itchy on his sides and pushed that away too. Then both his sides began to tickle and he giggled with eyes still closed, face pushed into the pillow. His mommy kept up her onslaught until he was curled into a tight ball and his screeches made it downstairs.
Lance rocked back and forth. He couldn't take anymore. He was going to explode. Knowing his limits, Gabrielle whispered, "Go potty."
He scampered off the bed, running from her hands. He finished his business quickly but before he could take one step out of the bathroom, he heard, "Wash your hands and brush your teeth." The little shoulders slumped, wondering how she knew EVERYTHING.
The family of four sat around the breakfast table and ate leisurely. Brianna kept peeking at her Mommy, bursting with her news. Then cautiously sneak a quick look at her Mama, silently asking if it was time yet. Only an indulgent smile and a slight shake of her head answered her.
"Ok, you two. What's going on?" Gabrielle looked at both of her dark-haired beauties. Brianna's curls were definitely more askew than her mother's, but the mischievous light in both their eyes made them crackle with the same excited energy.
A nod and a grin from the researcher, unleashed Brianna. She wiggled in her high-back chair like a puppy with a new ball. "We're going to the new waterpark! Surprise!"
Oh boy. "Um, Bette. You know that it's a Saturday and it's going to be crowded."
A nod, with a radiant smile blinded Gabrielle.
"I mean crowded with overly excited children, anxious and frustrated parents."
Another nod with the wattage not so bright.
"Who are wet. Long lines for slides and other rides. A wave pool that has enough chemicals in it to kill…uh, let's say impurities. The sun beating down on us and the humidity making us as wet as if we were in the water."
Oh yes, there's the 'Oh shit! What have I gotten myself into?' expression I adore. Trying to not release the laughter that was clawing itself out, she dared not look at Bette again. But it was too hard, so she did and the laughter escaped.
"See Mama, Mommy's happy!" Brianna flew out of her seat and helped her little brother jump down. "Come on Lance, we have to find your swim shorts. We're going to the water park! Woohoo!"
"Yay! Water!" screamed Lance, trying to keep up with his sister.
"It's not that funny Gabrielle," remarked Bette dryly.
"Oh, yes it is. You have no idea what you've agreed to." She wiped the tears of mirth form her eyes, still chuckling over Bette's gaffe. Bette, Ms. Superclean-impatient-easily annoyed and frustrated, Roberts was going to be pushed to her limits at the 70,000 square-foot indoor/outdoor waterpark today.
"Well, little Miss Mermaid and Mr. Aquaman up there saw it on the drive in yesterday and it was hard to say no." She gathered all the dishes from the table and began to rinse and place them in the dishwasher. She could feel the green eyes watching her, analyzing her motives, trying to understand her completely out of character decision.
Bette dried her hands on the kitchen towel and met the sobering gaze. The amusement was now absent, but there was no discontent she could find either in that beautiful face that caught her attention from day one. With a sigh, she stepped closer and leaned against the table.
Another sigh escaped as she involuntarily reached to caress the baby soft cheek of her partner and stopped the intimate and now intrusive touch at the last moment. "Gabrielle, the kids have really missed you and I just want to give them one day where we are a family. One day where we're just happy. Is that ok?"
"Yes. I want that, too." The lush green eyes closed and a furrow appeared above her brow. It cleared instantly when her eyes opened without shadows or malice. "But we need to talk. I've made some decisions we need to discuss."
"Ok. Can we postpone it until tonight? I really want to focus on the kids today." Not us, especially if the discussion is about how we're no longer going to be an us.
"Of course, let's just enjoy today. Ok?" she asked with her best wishing look.
The sexy grin transformed Bette's face. "Oh yeah. I didn't only do it for the kids. I know how much you enjoy the water too. Any unpleasantness I may have today has already been prepaid by your happiness earlier." Before the writer could respond, Bette slipped out of the room as fast as her legs could carry her before she could give into the urge to hold her beautiful wife. And not let go.
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"Stay still Honey. I'm almost finished." Gabrielle hurriedly covered Lance in more sunscreen. He tried to wriggle away from her and climb Bette's leg. He jabbered away about wanting to get on the ride where you sat in a tube and went through a long tunnel. Brianna was like a little limpet stuck to Bette's side, surprisingly taking her reapplication of sunscreen without much complaint. She was winding down fast.
The park map was held out in front of Bette, while she figured out where they should go next. After spending a lot of time in the wave pool, going down two slides and yes the lines were ridiculously long, she was debating on food, the kiddie play area or an adventuresome ride.
Looking over her brood, she knew what their votes would be. Her little mermaid needed a rest and some nourishment, while her little man was still raring to go and like her, he wanted the thrill of a fast ride in a tube. She wasn't sure what Gabrielle wanted to do next, hmm, in that swimsuit maybe lay out by the wave pool and simply look sexy.
Gabrielle had surprised her earlier with her reticence in taking off her tank top and shorts and showing off that magnificent physique. They were putting their belongings in the locker and the kids were stripping off their outer layer as if they were on fire. Bette kept an eye on the kids and peeled off her board shorts, leaving her in an aqua blue racerback tankini top and matching bikini bottoms.
With her back to Gabrielle, she applied the kids' first layer of sunscreen protection and allowed the little devils help her apply it to herself. They delighted in helping their Mama and took their job seriously. Feeling like she had enough on to baste like a turkey she halted their help and sicc'ed them on their other mother.
Turning around to collect her family she was surprised to see Gabrielle fully dressed. "What's wrong? You don't have to go change in the restroom, do you? You have you suit on under your clothes, right?" Bette didn't think she could keep the kids from jumping in some water that long if Gabrielle had to go change.
"Um, I have my swimsuit on underneath, but…" she trailed off, focusing on the ladies further down the aisle disrobing.
The researcher followed Gabrielle's gaze and saw a group of women, early to mid-20s, all in bikinis, laughing and enjoying each other. She turned back to Gabrielle, puzzled by her behavior "But?"
Gabrielle took in Bette's suit and had to admire the body that hasn't changed much over the years. There had been lean muscle added over the years, but the small, firm breasts that slightly overflowed in the writer's hands and the long lean legs that Gabrielle knew still prompted strangers to gawk at was on fine display.
Bette's suit was purely functional, having seen and bought her more risque' suits over the years, but this family-friendly one could not hide what the good Lord blessed her with. She was beautiful like those women. And Gabrielle could not bear to bare what she considered something less desirable.
The tentative hand on her shoulder and the dark eyes that looked at her with so much concern brought her back to herself. "I'm just being silly. I'm ok."
A clue finally clunked Bette in the head and she turned to her very impatient children and asked, "You wanna help Mommy undress?"
Over the cacophony of squealed yeses and tiny hands "helping" her, Gabrielle felt one large warm hand lifting her head so deep brown could meet sea green. "You're not silly and you're more than ok. You're beautiful."
"Come on Bette, that's beautiful," she said exasperatedly while gesturing towards the women. "I'm just…ugh, I know I'm not that."
"No you're not Gabrielle. You're a gorgeous woman." Stepping closer and handing Gabrielle's clothes to her mini-me, she told both kids to fold them nicely and place them in their locker.
"You are a woman that looks like a woman and not a girl. Don't slap me okay," she said playfully. "But your breasts provide a nice distraction and let's say their abundance will be tempting to many today in that swimsuit. Your hips flare out just so and your ass. Well damn baby, I've always loved your ass." The shocked, but muted delight captivated Bette and urged her on. "But it's your eyes that truly do me in. They show your depth of knowledge, your good soul, the pain you've endured, yet they're still so clear and loving, so giving. I look into them and I…"
Damn Elizabeth, too much. Too serious, but it was definitely heartfelt. Under her bronze color she felt the slight flush and knew Gabrielle could see the blush.
"Can we go now?" Brianna demanded to know.
"Yes, Honey. Let's go." Gabrielle took Brianna's hand, while Bette picked up Lance. She passed the women without another glance and captured Bette's hand. With a quick squeeze she said thanks and guided them to their first slide.
Coming back to the present problem, she looked askance at the writer. "Hey, Gabs? What should we do next?"
The surprise on Gabrielle's face pleased the researcher. Hmm, maybe giving up some control is a good thing.
"How about Brie and I stake out a table and get some lunch, while you and Lance ride that tube ride? And then y'all meet us for lunch?"
"Go with Mommy!"
"But I wanna go with Mama!"
And then the real whining commenced, with both kids complaining vocally about the writer's plan. Gabrielle went on to explain why they should pair off, but the weary Brianna was near tears and the near manic Lance was beside himself about leaving his Mommy.
The sun continued to beat against the researcher's skin. The water from the last slide had evaporated and was being replaced with sweat the humid day demanded. Ugh.
She looked at her unhappy little family and had enough. "Hey rugrats?" she barked towards the children and crooked a finger for them to come closer. Lowering to her haunches she looked back and forth between eyes so much like her own and Gabrielle's.
"Do you want to ride the fast tube ride?" she queried her fair-head boy first.
He nodded his head, but was met with a gaze that required more of a response. "Yes, ma'am."
"Good." Directing her firm countenance to her bushed daughter, she asked, "Do you want to ride the fast tube ride?"
"I want to stay with you." Stubborn eyes, belying her current energy level, plowed into the researcher.
"That was not the question," was the no-nonsense reply.
"But I want to-"
"Brianna." Low, controlled and unyielding.
"No ma'am."
"Would you like to have lunch?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Well, that's settled. I want to ride the ride too. So me and Flipper here will go be daredevils and meet back with you and Mommy."
Tears no longer dripped from the tired eyes, but they still had a sheen that squeezed Bette's heart. She pulled the dark-haired girl closer to her and pushed the wild curls to the side. The I love you was whispered softly. The need to connect and make better was always strong and so near the surface. A tight hold around her neck soothed her as much as the young girl.
Knowing she shouldn't because the girl really was getting too big, but doing it regardless, she picked up the child and rocked her a bit back and forth and gave her to Gabrielle. They exchanged one child for another.
Lance's big dark eyes looked skeptically at the researcher and he said, "Mommy no like wides?"
"Nope, Flipper, Mommy does not like tube rides. But I do. Can I ride the tube ride with you?" It was like requesting funding for a National Institute of Health Program Project and waiting for approval.
"Uh huh. Mommy said you fun." Great, he needed reassurance from Gabrielle to trust that we would have fun. Reassurance to go with me? Damn, that hurts.
"Thanks, Lance. I try," she remarked dryly. The bump to her hip snagged her attention from her glum thoughts. Soft green eyes met hers and understanding passed between them. A gentle smile almost undid Bette.
Clamping down swiftly on her rising emotions, she quickly made plans to meet back with the writer after the tube ride, so they all could get lunch. And she ran, literally ran away from Gabrielle to the delight of the boy in her arms. The wonderful world of tubing was calling and Bette wanted to get lost in the thrill of it all.
Gabrielle ascended from the clutches of a peaceful nap. The umbrella blocked much of the sun from her sensitive skin, while her children blocked the rest of it. It seemed like a harmless idea when they climbed into the reclining beach chair, but everywhere where their bodies met they were suctioned together by sweat.
Refusing to fully rise she kept her eyes closed, enjoying the play of the mild breeze against her exposed skin. The sounds of splashing and excited children and adults were actually a soothing background noise. The buzz of conversation washed over her like the waves did prior to nap time.
The low tones of Bette caught her wandering attention. "…does sound like fun."
The response was too low to catch, but the she definitely heard Bette's low chuckle and saw the woman lean in closer to the researcher. Bette lounged on a chair next to Gabrielle's, separated by sand and the kids' toy. Her skin gleamed with the sunscreen and sweat that flowed against her dark skin.
"Well, my kids would love that, but I'm not sure if my," she paused and turned to look into the eyes she felt against her skin. The pain and fresh betrayal stark in the subdued green eyes made Bette close her own. Facing the friendly blonde woman on her other side she continued, "I'm not sure if my wife would be interested in the river rapids. But thanks for the heads up."
The tension was a tangible thing that made the friendly blonde recoil and end the conversation with Bette, causing her to move away back to her family.
"It was nothing." The words were like sand in her mouth, choking her.
"I'm sure."
"Gabrielle."
"Let's drop it."
"You say that, but don't mean it."
"Can you get Brianna? I need to get in the water."
The young girl was lifted and placed beside her brother without waking her. The naturally tanned hand rested on the paler shoulder, stopping her escape into the water. "Please talk to me."
"What is there to say?" A shrug removed Bette's touch.
"I promise you she was asking about one of the attractions here. Lance and I met her while waiting for a ride earlier. She has a son his age. That's it."
"Ok."
"No it's not. You're still upset."
"It's nothing new, I'll get over it." The sigh stopped Gabrielle.
She promised herself she would stop this, but it was so damn hard. Moving closer and tentatively, she brought Bette's face closer to hers. "I will get over it. I need to get in that water to cool off. Then I'll come back, we'll wake the children, play some more and go home. Then we can talk."
And she left Bette sanding there. The urge to scream out her frustration to the heavens was strong. Only the knowledge she would wake her kids and they would undoubtedly be cranky had her lanky frame ease itself back in her chair.
Yes, they would definitely talk later. The need to clear the air was necessary.
Chapter 9
"I didn't think they were ever going to go down."
"I know. Maybe the long nap wasn't the best idea."
A snort and indelicate slurp from hot chocolate before Gabriele responded. "Yeah, especially when we didn't get a nap to recharge."
"Yeah." Bette found them sitting in the same configuration as the night before. Except she knew the discussion wasn't going to be as easy.
The researcher gripped her seat cushion and leaned toward Gabrielle. "So you…uh wanted to talk."
Gabrielle placed her cooling mug on the end table and brought her knees close to her body. Her cheek rested on her raised knees, while her gaze focused on the darkness outside. "Yes, I did. You remember when we first got together? As more than friends?"
A surprised look towards the writer gave Bette no clue where this conversation was heading. "Yes."
"I remember feeling so much for you and realizing they weren't best friend feelings." The jade gaze settled on the non-moving form across from her. "When I realized I wanted you…like that, everything changed. It was like everything I knew before was now unknown and you were the only one to unlock this new me. "
Turning away again, Gabrielle muttered, "Why didn't you want me?"
If at all possible, the researcher's body was more tense. "You know the answer to that."
Banked anger clouded the green eyes that pinned her to her seat. "Enlighten me again Elizabeth."
Exhaustion swept through Bette's body. She remembered that time of their lives. Definitely not a time she was proud of because she was a coward. Fearless with almost everything else, but a coward when it came to this certain woman. Oh, yeah, she remembered.
"Why not Bette?"
The innocence and vulnerability in the green eyes almost undid her will, but she knew what she had to do. She knew it was right.
Sliding closer to the tall dark woman, Gabrielle, pressed into Bette. Needing to know why they couldn't be more than friends. They shared everything now already, happier with each other than with anyone else. So why not more?
She felt her older friend wavering and decided to tip the scale.
It was a small peck on the lips. Simple, sweet, something they've shared before. And then another one. And another and another, until Gabrielle stopped pulling back to check Bette's reaction.
She pushed the researcher until Bette's back pressed against the arm of the couch. Their torsos touched, each exhale bringing them even closer together.
The sweet kisses were driving her crazy. It didn't make sense that Gabrielle's caress could enliven her more than some of her more erotic experiences.
Pressing her advantage, Gabrielle opened her mouth and herself to Bette, needing to explore this gorgeous woman beneath her. Then her world flipped, along with her body.
The moan escaped the researcher. Without her permission she found her hands on the little blonde's waist, changing their position. She lay fully on Gabrielle's prone form and went to work on those sweet lips.
Her rebellious hands found themselves mussing the golden red locks, while her tongue swiped the lower lip that begged to be sucked.
Gabrielle couldn't get close enough to Bette. She pulled her more into her over-heated body, wanting the press of her body fully on hers. Needing to feel the solid weight of Bette, to know this was real, this was finally happening.
Bette's tongue gliding through her lips, was as impatient as Gabrielle's hands that reached under the polo shirt to feel dark skin.
Bette's eyes opened widely at the hot touch. Whoa! Too much, too soon! And not with your best friend, Elizabeth!
Jerking away from the tempting lips, hands, and thrumming body underneath her, Bette castigated herself. You were about to take her on the couch, like she was any other woman. Damn!
Jumping from the couch altogether, she turned away from the rumpled, erotic sight of her friend. "We can't Gabrielle. I'm so sorry but we can't."
One deep breath that did nothing to settle her heartbeat, Gabrielle proceeded. "Why not?"
Nothing. The silence filled the room, only their mutual deep breaths could be heard, trying to control the hormones running rampant in their blood stream.
Bette heard the shuffling behind her and was not surprised by the hesitant hand on her shoulder. But the naked need and hurt swimming in Gabrielle's eyes, did bring her up short. What had she done?
"Why not?"
She had to take a step back, so she could think. "Because it's not right."
"Why?"
Silence again. "I know you want this as much as I do. You want me."
"I'm not right for you." Unable to get her to see the truth of her words, Bette decided to go for broke. Her tone, reserved for business hit home. "It's not going to happen. We can only be friends Gabrielle. Don't ask me for more. You will not get it."
Finding herself out on the proverbial limb by herself, the abashed graduate student shored up her emotions. The green gaze was clear and unyielding. "So that's it Bette?"
Suddenly her insides began to shake, the resolute look scared her, but she knew she was right. Right? "Yes."
"Ok, goodbye Bette." And she was gone. Bette knew she was right, she had to be right.
She left the apartment the next day and the researcher did not see her or hear from her for two frantic weeks. It took four more weeks for Bette to realize she wasn't right and two more weeks to get Gabrielle to talk to her again.
Maybe I had been right way back then, Bette thought sardonically. "You know this Gabrielle. I was scared."
"Why were you scared?"
Hesitant now because of this unexplored territory. "The usual, you know commitment and stuff," she mumbled, not daring to look at the writer.
"I think you're lying." Uncoiling herself, she reached out to get the researcher's attention. "The only rule tonight is honesty. No matter how brutal, but we will be honest with each other tonight."
Slouching back into the chair, a furrow between her brow, she answered. "It's not really a lie. I was scared of committing to you. Hell to any woman, really. But especially you."
A pause to gather her thoughts and bring back those conflicting emotions of that time. "You scared the hell out of me. I thought you were going to get hurt, that I was going to hurt you."
"You told me some of this. What else is there Bette?" The bright eyes looked quizzically at the researcher. "I can handle the truth. If it's because you weren't as attracted to me as I were to you or us coming from such different places or…"
"No, none of those things! I wanted you from the first moment we crossed paths! I made myself see you as a friend, but when I found out you wanted me too." A sigh. She gazed outside, unable to look in those expressive eyes. "I was unworthy of your love. I was a bitch and I knew it. We worked as friends, but as lovers…Gabs I didn't know how to love you as unconditionally as you did me. I had no practice. Where I come from, love hurts. And I didn't want to hurt you."
"You hurt me more when you turned me away. I've always doubted you really wanting me. I've always felt that I pushed myself on you some way. "
Well, damn, there goes the poker to the heart again. Reaching across the great expanse of their tangled lives, Bette lifted the writer's chin until they were eye-to-eye. "No, no, no. That isn't true. I had no idea how to be with you or how to love you, but that does not mean that I did not want you or love you. What I felt for you was so outside my experience…it was so foreign, so uncontrollable that I did what I did to gain back some control."
Nodding her head at the veracity of the words, Gabrielle tilted her head back and closed her eyes allowing the balm to old internal wounds.
Clasping the cold hands in her own, Bette felt the need to purge some more. "I was selfish Gabrielle. When you left and I fell apart, I knew I had to do whatever needed to be done to bring you into my life. I wanted you even though I knew I would inevitably hurt you. I needed your love and presence in my life, even though I knew my presence in your life would damage you."
She bowed her head, knowing she never spoke truer words in all her life. "That is your problem Bette. I'm not as fragile as you make me out to be. Yes you hurt me, like I've hurt you over the years." Talking over Bette's objections, the writer continued. "As much as we hurt each other, we have also loved each other. So I guess I'm selfish too because I refused to let go even though I knew that when you gave your heart to me I had the power to hurt you more than any other."
Bette brought their hands to her lips and kissed them as if giving benediction.
Giving a squeeze of acknowledgement, Gabrielle slipped her hands free and rose from the couch. "I need some more hot chocolate. Would you like some tea?"
"Yes, please," she rasped.
The writer gathered her mug and cleared out of the room, needing the break from the emotional upheaval and the end of Round One.
The fluorescent green digits on the microwave proclaimed it was already after 11 pm. Her chin fell to her chest, while her hands gripped the edge of the countertop. The strawberry blonde locks concealed her grimace. The knot in her stomach clenched tighter at the beep of the microwave signaling the end to her reprieve.
The steam from the mug was inhaled gently, then a bare sip was taken to wet her palette. She brushed the dark curls back, surreptuously glancing at Gabrielle, who was tucked into the corner of the couch.
Wanting to prompt Gabrielle to continue, so they could be done with the conversation and get to the decision, the ultimatum, the…something, the researcher took another sip from the hot tea. She closed her eyes to help center herself and that's when the soft tones came.
"You know, I've been going over and over when it started going wrong." A soft, questioning, and slightly wondering tone barely reached Bette.
"I don't know." A sigh. "I do know this though. We began to hurt each other and stopped trying to make it better. Stop caring." A pained look of remembrance. "But I think…no, I know when I knew that things were wrong between us. It was when Cameron died."
"Don't." The hard dark eyes pinned Gabrielle to the couch. The shuttered gaze plainly brooked no argument.
That look no longer inspired fear because there was nothing left to fear. "I understand-"
"You understand nothing." The pulse in her throat was noticeably jumping, while her hands fisted themselves on the arm rests.
"I understand that it was…it is hard for you Bette." Gazing steadily into those fierce eyes, she continued. "I know that better than anyone."
Forcing her heartbeat back to normal range, refusing to give into the rage that spiked within her, Bette spit out her words. "We can talk about us. We can talk about our situation. But we will NOT talk about my brother."
Gabrielle leaned into that inferno, refusing to back down like she had so many times before. "You shut me out then, like you're doing now. You just pushed and pushed until we were cohabitating with each other instead of sharing our lives together."
"What do you want from me?" The anguished plea reached the writer's soul.
"I want…I want…" she sputtered to a stop again. Ahhh, there's the fear. I want so much, I'm afraid you will never give it to me. Afraid you're not capable of giving me what I want.
Agitated, Bette left her comfortable chair. Walking back and forth, in front of the floor to ceiling windows, she pulled on her curls.
"You don't get it. You never did." Finding a rubber band, she tied her hair back, smoothing it out, controlling it.
"I didn't just lose my brother. I lost…"
"But you had us, Bette. You had a wife that loved you, a daughter that adored you and a new son."
"Don't you get it? Cameron trusted me and loved me beyond reason." A deep breath. "And I let him down. I couldn't save him."
"It wasn't your job to - "
"Yes it was! It has always been my job to protect him and I let him down. He was counting on me and I let him down." Looking outside, but not seeing the dark, but a reel of life at that time. "He called me, you know?"
A strangled no from the writer was the response.
"Yes, he did. He wanted me to come over to talk. But I couldn't." A choked laugh turned her stoic expression into a grimace. "Who am I kidding? I didn't want to go. I had a deadline. You needed me at home because of Lance. And my brother, my brother who has a history of clinical depression calls me to come over and I say no."
"But Bette - "
"No! He needed me and I turned my back on him." Hastily turning to Gabrielle perched on the couch, she spout, "My baby brother proclaiming his need for oblivion and I tell him not tonight, maybe tomorrow. He basically was shouting that he was going to kill himself and I ignored him."
No, Bette, not this. You are not responsible for this. Those broad shoulders have enough to carry without this weight.
Tentatively walking towards the wounded dark-haired woman, Gabrielle put her arms around those strong shoulders and pulled the woman close.
Surprised by the strength of the embrace, Bette fell ungainly into the warmth. Her dry eyes belied her distressed tone. "Do you know it's so hard to look at Lance? He looks a lot like Cameron."
Closing her eyes and moving closer within the hold, Bette's voice became muffled by the golden hair she laid her head on. "I think back to that time and it haunts me. I let my brother down. I let you down." The truth of the situation blocked her throat, making the next words even more difficult to say. "Everyone who has ever loved me for me, loved me unconditionally I let down. I am so sorry. So sorry."
The small hands reached up to catch the tears falling into her hair. "You did not let your brother down. He knew you loved him. Honey, no one could have stopped him this last time."
The stubborn disbelief lit Bette's eyes. "No, not even you Bette. Just like I have to take responsibility for the destruction of our marriage, you have to give Cameron the responsibility for his actions. You can not take it all on yourself."
"But - "
"But nothing, Elizabeth Ann. You say you didn't know how to love before me, but that's not true. You loved Cameron before I came along and your love for him made him who he was. A beautiful man. Bette it was his decision and if by some miracle you were able to stop him that night, it would have been another night. It's what he wanted. His decision. His responsibility." Up close and personal, determined to get Bette to believe.
Her fixed look softened, wanting to believe Gabrielle's words. And in this moment, for this one moment, she allowed herself to believe. Detangling herself from the strong clutch, she stepped back from this amazing woman and kissed her forehead. "Thank you."
Conscious of there closeness, the writer fled back to the safety of the couch. They both took a timeout, trying to reclaim a semblance of peace.
The air conditioner cycled on, the refrigerator hummed, and the clock ticked, but the animate objects in the room did not make a sound.
The tall dark-haired one leaned into the soft cushions of the recliner, with her legs dangling over the arm rest. Her eyes were closed and to any outside observers she would look like she was resting peacefully, but to the writer's astute gaze she saw the tense lines around her mouth and the slight furrow between her brows.
She's worried and I am the cause of that. Glancing at the ticking clock, her eyes widened at the small hand past the number two. Mentally steeling herself for the continuation of this torturous night.
"Tell me about her."
It was like a gunshot sounding near her ear. She bolted up in her seat and stared at the placid green eyes that met her dark brown ones right on. There was only one "her" that Gabrielle would be referring to. Yet, her mind was empty. "Um…what, what do you want to know?"
"I want to know nothing, but I need to know everything."
"You don't really need - "
"Please stop thinking for me and," her teeth clenching, "tell me about her."
"She is a post-doc from one of the universities that's working with us on the Program Project."
"Ok, when did you first meet her?"
"Gabrielle, I don't see a point to this. I don't want to hurt you anymore." The earnestness shown plainly, yet Gabrielle could not heed her warning.
"You have no idea of what I imagine. The images that plague me of you and another woman. I need to know the truth so I can move on. So I can stop imagining."
A deep breath and then a clinical recitation of how she met the post-doc at a meeting a year ago and how they touched base about a month ago while she was in town working on the grant. How time spent working on the grant, a couple of lunches and one dinner changed slight interest and innocent flirtatious into a full blown affair.
Bette kept her eyes locked on the green orbs that with each word from her mouth caused more pain to fill them.
The writer wrapped her arms around her tense body, trying to keep it together. Hearing Bette's step-by-step walk into depravity was going to make her sick. But she couldn't letup; there was more she needed to know.
"How many times did you sleep with her?"
Their mutual gaze was broken by Bette's shameful look at her bare feet. "Twice."
"Well I'm guessing I caught the tail end of one time. When was the other? Before or after I caught you? One of the many times you had to work late and couldn't come home to tuck the kids in? Or the time I wanted to have a date with you?" Oh, god, I'm going to be sick. All of the bile that has been my life for the past 3 years is bubbling to the surface.
It was like the rat-a-tat of a machine gun. Each bullet hitting home, digging into her heart, her soul. Making sure to catch her eye, so she could see the veracity, she spoke quietly. "I never touched her or saw her after you…caught us."
"When Bette?" Barely hanging on now, the image of them in her office was becoming startlingly clear in the writer's mind's eye, but she had to hang on.
"A week before. I told you I was working late."
"Where?"
Now visibly upset, the legendary control of Dr. Roberts was slipping. "Jesus Gabrielle! Her hotel room."
"Couldn't wait to go back to her room the night I walked in on you?" Seeing the fire banked in those eyes, she decided she wanted to play with fire, refusing to shy away.
Leaning in she whispered, "Was she good? Was she worth it?" And the woman with the golden hair lost it. She lost the battle with her stomach and fled to the bathroom. She also lost the battle with her mind and while she was expelling all the ugliness inside her, her mind conjured that night.
"Come on Brianna. Keep up." With a bag of great smelling Italian food in one hand and Lance clutching her other, Brianna dawdled behind. She let the security guard step in front of her to allow access to the suite of offices on the 23rd floor.
"Thanks, I appreciate it. I'm sure Bette was in a conference room, so she didn't hear her office phone."
"No problem, Mrs. Roberts. Do you want me to go in with you?"
"No, we'll be fine. Thanks though." She ushered the kids in to the offices and steering themin to the kitchen.
"Ok Honey, you and your brother start on this and I'll get Mama." She finished setting out the kids' food and turned back to her oldest with a stern look. "Stay out of trouble."
A grin was her answer, which she answered with one of her own. Feeling positive about her impromptu decision to surprise Bette at her office with dinner, she went off in search of her partner. Lately, things between them had only worsened, plus Bette had worked pass the kids bedtime every night for a week. They missed her and Gabrielle missed her. It had been time for action.
Walking around the darkened offices, she stopped outside the cracked door of Bette's office. The last place she decided to look. The unease she'd been feeling from her partner for the pass couple of weeks or so kicked up a notch. Batting down the negative vibe she pushed the oak door open. And sagged against the door, unmoving, not believing she really did see her partner near orgasm.
Because of another woman's head between her legs.
The involuntary gasp broke Bette out of her blissful stupor, but the sight of her wife, wide-eyed and pale, brought her out of her leather chair.
"Gabrielle!" She pushed away from the other woman even more, pulled up her pants and began her stride to her wife, her long legs eating up the length of the hardwood floors between them.
Gabrielle looked beyond her partner and took in the other woman, mid to late 20s, walnut-colored woman with natural-styled hair, in wide-leg dress pants and an electric blue button-down shirt. Young, black, and beautiful.
Pulling the last vestiges of strength she could muster, she stopped Bette's forward motion with a look. She spoke calmly and clearly. "I am going to get the kids and we're going to leave. You are to find someone else to sleep tonight and you can pick up your things in the morning." And she left, not looking back, no need because that tableau would be seared in her brain for the continuation of her days.
Bette's panicked words washed off her back because she had to get out of there, she was close to losing it.
And she did lose it, not until the kids were put to bed that night and the images flooded her system. Kind of like now.
The hands that were larger than hers, slightly darker than hers, and sometimes stronger than hers pulled back blonde hair and removed the slight body from the commode when nothing else would come forth from Gabrielle's heaving body.
Leaning against the adjacent wall the researcher brought Gabrielle's limp body into hers. She cradled the woman in her arms, wiping her face, wanting to absolve her sins.
Bloodshot green eyes peered into wet brown, for once seeing the pain and not ignoring it, not feeling good because it mirrors her own, and not wanting Bette to hurt more. She wanted to understand. "Why?"
"Not pulling any punches, are you?"
The writer snorted and regretted that rash decision because of the resulting racket in her head. "I think I'm past the point of wanting to punch you, so…"
The slight banter was familiar and slightly calming. Yes they both were hurting, but finally hurting together.
"Damn, Gabrielle, I was a fool." Rolling her head back against the wall, she pulled the writer closer. "She played to my ego. She listened to ever single thing coming out of my mouth and it was uncomplicated."
She sighed, hating herself for what she was about to say. "There were no kids, no daily arguments, no history, no hurt feelings, nothing, but…"
"A beautiful young woman." Gabrielle looked into that face that set her heart afire 10 years ago and broke it a month ago. "Are you no longer attracted to me?"
"Gabrielle." The low deep tone grabbed her attention, forcing her to pay attention. The deep eyes were lit with emotion. "Listen, I was stupid and I will forever regret my actions. What I did and who you are, are two different things. To me you are still the most beautiful woman I have laid eyes on. Your physical beauty is a given, but…" She placed her hand above her heart. "But what's in here will always slay me and place you on a level other women can not touch."
The uncertainty in the green eyes cut through her heart, knowing she contributed to it. Placing her warm hand on the side of Gabrielle's face, she willed the golden woman to believe. "Gabrielle, I am so unworthy of your love. I proved it with my…behavior, but it in no way reflects on how lovely and good you are."
Crossing her blue-jean clad legs at the ankle and adjusting Gabrielle's position in her lap, she continued, "There are so many things I would do differently, so we wouldn't be here right now."
"Yeah. I would have not let you push me away so easily." The writer's head pressed into Bette's collarbone, resting there.
"I would have shared more of my grief and pain with you."
"I would not have nagged as much and snapped at you for every little thing."
"I would have talked to you more instead of running away when it got too hard."
"I would have made you feel safe enough to talk to me."
"When you got silent, I would have asked you what was wrong."
"When you walked away, I would have went after you."
"And I would have let you."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm scared." If at all possible, Gabrielle snuggled closer after her mumbled words.
Instinctively Bette's arms wrapped tighter. "What are you scared of?"
"I have an answer."
"Um…what was the question?" Confusion was stamped over the researcher's features, unable to follow their meandering conversation.
"You asked me earlier what did I want from you." Pushing away enough to look into those dark eyes that always told the story of her emotions.
"Oh, yeah?"
"Everything."
Bette blinked.
"I want everything. I want my best friend back, my lover, the mother to my children, my partner in life, my playmate, my protector. I want it all. And this time I will not settle for less."
Bette blinked again.
Stunned because the moment she'd been waiting for for weeks was here. This was her second chance being delivered by what had to be an angel because only one of God's loveliest creatures could see it in their heart to place all their eggs in her basket. Again.
Gabrielle's look was steady and resolute. After all the weeks of indecision and pain, it came down to this one woman. Damn, I do love her and I'm willing to lay it all on the line again.
"I'm scared. I don't want to hurt you anymore."
"But you will." The pain in her eyes was felt inside of Gabrielle as well. "And I will hurt you, we're only human. I think it's what we do once we hurt each other that is important."
Taking the leap this time wasn't as scary as the first time years ago. She'd already crashed and burned and yet there was still a "we". Bette jumped off the ledge, without a parachute this time, believing that Gabrielle would wrap her in her wings and keep her safe.
"I want everything too. And I want it with you."
Mint met dark chocolate and didn't let go, searing this memory into her mind, next to that auspicious Friday night at Bette's office.
The End