Chapter 3
I am awakened by the sound of a door slamming a few rooms away from mine. I squint at the alarm clock and groan. I have an hour until it is set to go off and I know I'll not be able to get back to sleep. I groan as I stretch, happy to not feel any effects of the whiskey sours the night before. I suppose I can thank my mother's genes for that.
I sit up and scrub my eyes. As I get up to go to the bathroom my eye catches the third box in the corner of the room, sitting unopened. Part of me is afraid to even open it. But I've opened the first two. Might as well see what is in this one. I continue on to the bathroom and when I am done I make my way over to the box and put it on the bed. I sit cross-legged in front of it and pull open the flaps.
I can smell dust and the scent of long-forgotten paper as I peer into the box. Right on top is an annual writing magazine my high school used to publish. Instantly a memory comes back to me. I flip through the pages, finding the dog-eared page where I had marked a poem I had published my sophomore year of high school. "What a crock of shit," I say to myself with a humorless laugh. I read it aloud:
"A touch on my head,
Laugh lines memorized,
I look up and feel warmth,
Eyes mirror mine,
I am loved."
I was sitting at the kitchen counter after a full day of school and work when I heard the front door swing open. It was my mother with some guy. They were equally drunk and all over each other. It repulsed and embarrassed me beyond measure that my mother had no inhibitions when she was drunk, so to avoid seeing something I had no desire to see, I gathered up my assignment, a poem about my mother for Mother's Day, and made my way down the hall. I was almost there too when my mother bellowed out. "Sarah! Come meet your new daddy!" I cringed at the giggling and continued on into my room.
That night I remember closing my eyes tightly and trying to imagine what it would be like to have a mother who would actually inspire a sentimental poem. When the editor approached me about my poem, wanting to enter it into the annual, I let her. It would be an ideal for posterity. No one had to know it was a lie. A fleeting question of whether my mother had ever read it goes through my mind but I quickly dismiss it. Doesn't matter anyway.
I close the magazine and put it back into its dusty nest and flip the box closed again. I slide it off the bed and go back to the bathroom.
While brushing my teeth, my mind turns to my mother's funeral today. I'm so grateful that Cole has taken care of all the arrangements. I feel a little guilty at not really offering to help, but he hasn't brought it up. I make a mental note to give him some money to help cover the costs.
I arrive at my brother's about an hour before the service feeling anxious. From the moment I got that phone call, I've been waiting for this day. I hope seeing her six feet under will be the catalyst for letting me begin to heal. I won't call it closure, because that is never going to happen.
"Not sure how many people will be there." I hear my brother say. "I didn't plan a reception or anything, either." He says, his voice holding a bit of embarrassment.
I look him in the eye, wanting to redirect his attention. "Cole, I'm sure the service will be nice. I appreciate you doing all of this on your own. I'm sorry I didn't offer…"
"Don't worry about it Sarah. I know things weren't good between you and her." He says. Thankfully, Mary and Elise coming downstairs interrupt us. They are dressed in tasteful dark charcoal and black skirts and blouses. Elise gives me a small smile and I again regret not visiting more often. I've missed her growing up.
"We all ready to go?" Cole asks after coming back from the kitchen, having put our coffee mugs in the sink.
~~~~
"We are gathered here to lay to rest Joyce Leann Leeds, devoted mother and member of our community…"
My thoughts turn inward as the minister's well-rehearsed words floated through and out of my consciousness. I look up to the top of the heavy green canvas tent we are under, already feeling the stifling heat of the sun through it at ten o'clock in the morning. My gaze turns toward my left and I note that there are more people here than I expected. As we took our seats I saw a few neighbors and a few of my mother's friends that she would go out with sometimes. A couple of aunts, uncles and cousins whose names I've forgotten. I'm sure there are a few more people I should recognize. Perhaps time has made them unrecognizable to me now.
My mind starts to wander and I let it. I begin thinking about my childhood and try to recall some positive memories I have of my mother. They'd been all but pushed out of my consciousness after I left, but I give one in particular center stage now.
It was Christmas morning. I couldn't have been more than 6 or 7 years old. I was up at the crack of dawn, just like any other kid my age would be. I sauntered down the hallway, stopping by the bathroom first and then making my way to my mother's room. I knew better than to go wake up Cole. He was always so grouchy in the morning.
I turned the knob to my mother's room and pushed it open a bit to see if she was asleep. She was, so I continued on into the living room to see what Santa had dropped off the night before. I approached the tree to start looking at the names on the boxes when a rustling noise caught my attention. It had come from the kitchen. More curious than cautious, I slowly walked into the kitchen and saw a small wire crate. I kneeled down in front of it, my heart beating wildly. In it was an even smaller black puppy.
I then felt a hand on my head, softly caressing my hair. "Merry Christmas, Sarah." I looked up into my mother's sleepy face and then wrapped my arms around her legs, as happy as I'd ever been in my short little life.
I smile at the memory and of the times I'd had with Jazzy. He followed me everywhere. I loved that little dog. He came to be more of a saviour than a pet to me when times were hard. I had him until he died of cancer when I was 16.
Low murmurs, the rustling of fabric and creaking of wooden folding chairs brings me back to the present and I realize the service is over. I'm not sure if it's my brother's idea that they forgo having family and friends come up and give their own eulogies. Maybe they asked and I just didn't hear. Regardless, it seems that no one else is going to expound on Joyce's time on earth. Her life has been filtered down to a canned eulogy by a man who has never met her.
I stand up, looking to my brother as he makes his way over to thank the minister. I follow him numbly and repeat the gesture, giving the gentle-eyed man a small smile before filing out behind my brother, Mary and Elise. My face is dry and I begin to feel guilty. I watch as Cole hands Mary his handkerchief.
I didn't know men still carried those, I think absently.
We clear the tent and are now standing in the sun. I slip on my sunglasses. Suddenly I'm one half of a makeshift receiving line and people begin shaking my hand and Cole's, offering their condolences. I feel like a fraud, but I continue to stand and thank them for attending.
No one but me, Cole, Elise and Mary stay to watch them lower her into the ground. I thought seeing her being buried would trigger something in me. Some sort of visceral reaction. I thought I'd cry or maybe break down. Something. Instead, I just feel numb as I watch her casket disappear from my sight. I feel a hand wrap around my bicep and look over to see it is Elise. She looks sad, but her eyes are dry.
She begins talking to me in a low, distant voice. "She was the one I'd talk to when I couldn't talk to Mom or Dad. There were just some things I didn't want them to know about, you know?" I turn to her, slightly alarmed and she pats my arm. "Nothing serious, and usually it was about a friend being stupid." Her eyes return to the casket. "She never judged." She says quietly. "I'm sorry you were not able to work things out with her." She says to me, her eyes going back up to mine. I look at her for a moment and I wonder what kind of relationship she had with my mother, her grandmother. I hadn't thought about anyone else's loss until this very moment. I feel ashamed at the revelation.
"Thanks, Elise. Me too." I manage. I slip out of her grasp and turn to her taking her into a tight hug. She returns it readily.
By mutual, silent consent we all turn and make our way back to the car. "I figured we'd all go to T's for a bite. That okay with you, Sarah?" My brother asks as he tosses his cigarette butt into the gutter and smashes it out with his rarely worn brown loafers.
"Yeah, that's fine." I say as I start to get in to the back seat. Mary motions for me to get into the front passenger seat.
"Sit up with your brother, Sarah," She offers in a motherly tone that is tempered by a warm smile.
The ride to the restaurant is quiet. I am not one for too many words, but I find myself uncomfortable with the silence. Apparently, I'm not the only one for just as I am about to say something, my brother asks what I am going to do next. I almost ask him to clarify by what he means by 'next', but then the thought occurs to me that he has left it intentionally vague.
"Well, I was thinking about sticking around for a few more days." I say, thinking that is what he wants to hear. Truth is, I do want to be here a few more days. Despite the reason that brought me here, I've really enjoyed my time with Cole and his family. I didn't realize how much I'd missed them. This is the most time I've spent with them since before I'd gone away.
Do you need me to help with the house or anything?" I find myself asking. I think I surprise him as much as I surprise myself. I watch his profile and see that he is mulling over my offer seriously.
"When do you need to be back to work?" He asks. I think about it and realize I don't really have much of a job to go back to. The job I was working on was finished and I had not lined anything up after it. Work as a welder was always pretty easy to find where I live. It's fortunate for me because I really hate the thought of working for any one company. I suppose a shrink would say I have commitment issues.
"Well, I don't have a set time. I finished the job I was currently working on. There's really no reason to rush back." I say as I watch my brother's jaw work in thought. I see him look in the rearview mirror catching Mary's eyes quickly before bringing them back to the road.
"I was wondering, well, Mary and I were wondering if you could stay for awhile. We could use the help with the house and all, but we really like having you here. You could probably even find work here, if you need." I look over at him, his words are a both a surprise and a delight to me.
"All I've been is a brooding mess. You sure you want me to stick around?" I say with a chuckle. I think they know I'm trying to gauge their earnestness. I've gone without having people in my life for so long that the thought of anyone wanting me around was a bit hard to grasp.
I hear Mary speak up from the back. "You're family Sarah. We've missed you."
I know that if I turn around to look at her, I might begin to cry. I nod instead and ask with as much casualness as I can muster, "I don't suppose you have an extra room I can stay in?"
Elise leans up and grabs the back of the front seat. "The room next to mine is empty. Well, not totally empty. It has a futon in it." She says brightly. It warms my heart that she seems excited for me to stay.
"We would like it if you were to stay with us. No sense paying for a motel room, you know?" Cole reasons. I agree. "And you really don't need a rental car. You can borrow mine or Mary's if you need to."
After a somber but relaxing meal, we decide to turn my rental car in and check out of my hotel. As I finish gathering my stuff, I realize, quite depressingly, that I don't have much more than this in my small apartment back home. Before I can have a real moment of reflection on my life, I hurriedly repack the box from my room I'd opened and put it near the door with the rest of my things. I give the room one more look to make sure I didn't leave anything behind.
Cole appears at the door and wordlessly takes two of the boxes. Elise comes in and asks if there is anything she can take and I give her the garment bag and I grab the last box. I watch them walk to the car and think to myself how much I've missed out on in regards to Elise.
I get settled into 'my' room and debate whether to call up my landlord and let him know I'll be out of town a few more days. Then it occurs to me the only thing he would care about is rent and I was paid up for another three weeks. I don't know any of my neighbors well enough to ask them to watch my place, hell; I don't have their phone numbers to even ask.
That fact is a bit sobering, but I don't dwell on it. The only thing I can do is think about changing it. When I get back, perhaps I will. Before I can get any more introspective, I hear a knock on my door. I call for them to come in. "Hey, we are turning in. You need anything?" Cole asks as he stands just outside the doorframe.
"No, I'm good." I say with a smile. "Hey, would you mind if I went out for a bit?" I ask.
"You don't have to ask, Sarah. Take my truck. Keys are on the kitchen table. Don't stay out too late." He says and then pauses.
"Yes, Dad." I joke. We both chuckle a bit and then quickly sober. I look at him closely. "You doing okay?" I ask sincerely.
"Yeah. The shock has worn off. I'm still confused as to why she did it, but I guess I'm not all that surprised. She was never a happy person." He looks at me thoughtfully. "Sarah, will you ever tell me what happened?" I meet his question with an uneasy silence. He sighs. "I tried asking her a few times. She wouldn't tell me anything."
I honestly didn't think he'd ever ask. I'm caught off-guard and not sure how to reply. I do know that if he's asking, perhaps he really wants the truth after all. Still, I'm not sure I'm ready to tell him. "What I have to say will probably change what you think of her, Cole. You sure you want to hear it?" I don't mean to come off so confrontational, but I need to know if he really wants the truth, no matter how ugly it is.
"She hurt you badly, Sarah. A blind man could see that. I already blame her for driving you away. I need to know what exactly it is I'm blaming her for. I've wanted to ask you for years, but I've just never had the courage to."
"Until now." I mutter, not unkindly.
"Until now," he confirms. I hear him step into the room and then feel his weight next to me on the futon. "When you are ready, Sarah, I'd like to hear the story. I have a feeling you've been carrying around an enormous amount of pain. It's time to share it."
I look at my brother and am transported back in time to that night I waited for him on the couch. The last night I had ever felt that someone truly cared for my well-being. "I promise you that I will not leave without telling you what happened." I say as I look directly into his eyes.
He nods and clasps my knee. "Okay." With that he stands, kisses the top of my head and leaves, shutting the door quietly on his way out. I feel a new warmth envelope me. Not for the first time, I truly regret not trying to stay in touch with him.
Deciding to forgo borrowing Cole's car, I call a cab and wait for it outside the house. I don't want to worry about getting the car back in one piece in case I decide to drink, which was looking pretty promising, all things considered.
I tell the cab driver to take me to the same pub I was in last time and I make sure to get his card so I can call him when I'm ready to come home.
I make my way into the bar, noting that it is a lot more crowded than when I was here yesterday. The bartender looks up and nods, a small smile of greeting on his lips. I find a spot near the end, close to the door and order a beer.
As I wait for my drink, I look over at the pool table, idly focusing on some of the players. An unconscious grin reaches my lips as I recognize one of the players. It is the woman from yesterday, Kate, with the not-so-functioning alcoholic dad. I take a healthy drink of my beer, which has just been placed in front of me and contemplate going over to say hi.
As I continue to watch her, she laughs at a joke told by the tall dark-haired man she is playing against. Is he a boyfriend? Husband? I don't recall a wedding ring on her hand. I try to look now but cannot see from this distance. I finish off my beer and decide to order another before walking over.
"Hi." I say a little loudly as I approach the table. They are racking the balls again for another game and look up at me upon hearing my voice. The man looks at me politely and smiles. I smile back and look at Kate. I momentarily panic as she looks at me with the same polite smile, but with a bit of confusion as well. Just as I am about to explain how we met the first time, her smile widens.
"You're the one who helped me with my dad." She says with recognition in her eyes. She sets the ball in her hand down on the felt. "Sam, was it?" She asks as she reaches to shake my hand.
"Sarah." I correct as I squeeze her hand and smile shyly.
"Oh, right. Sarah. Sorry. I've had a couple." She says with a laugh. She turns to the man who has finished racking. He comes around the table, wiping his hand on his jeans and reaching out to take mine. "Sarah, this is my friend Taylor. Taylor, this is Sarah. She helped me haul my dad out of here yesterday."
Taylor nods in understanding. "Nice to meet you Sarah." He gestures to the table. "Would you like to join us?"
I look at Kate, unsure. I feel a bit like I'm intruding and am about to say so when she says, "I could use a break. He's kicking my ass." She then makes her way to a nearby stool and plops down on it unceremoniously. That gets a laugh out of me as well as Taylor.
"You're assuming I can play." I retort playfully.
"You look like you can handle a stick." She responds. My look of surprise at her comment makes her eyes go wide with disbelief with what she just said. It makes me laugh.
"You'll have to forgive my friend here," Taylor says as he puts his arm around his rather contrite looking friend. "She gets saucy when she gets, well, sauced." He smiles adoringly at her.
"I'm not sauced!" She half-shouts.
"I'm trying to help you out, Shithead," he says in a stage whisper, making me laugh even harder. I can't remember the last time I've actually laughed. It feels good.
"It's okay. I'm not quite used to quick-witted people." I say and then so as not to sound like a complete idiot, I add, "I work with dock workers and construction guys. They do not appreciate the use of pun."
"Ah," says Kate with a ghost of a smile. "What do you do?" She asks as she retrieves her beer from the table behind her.
"I'm a welder. I mostly work on dock machinery and sometimes construction projects." I say, waiting for the look I always get when I explain what I do.
"Does it pay well?" I hear Taylor ask. Before I can respond, Kate backhands him in the stomach.
"That's rude!" She barks.
"I make enough to be comfortable." I respond, chuckling but ultimately a little warmed by Kate acting in my defense.
"What do you guys do?" I ask, ready for a shift of focus.
"Well, I am currently working at the college in administration." Taylor says. "This one here is a history professor." He cuffs her on the shoulder affectionately.
"A professor, huh?" I say, impressed.
"Well, associate professor." Kate corrects with a warm but admonishing glance at Taylor. I nod, say I'm still impressed, and we share a brief look that brings a wide, lovely smile to Kate's face. I cannot help but return it.
"So, what do you say, ready for an ass kicking too?" Taylor asks cheekily as he tosses me a cue stick. I smile widely at him and grab the chalk.
"We'll see whose ass is gonna get kicked." I say confidently, deciding just to have fun tonight. I need to get the hell out of my head for a couple of hours. I hear an "Ohhhh" and turn to wink at Kate. She laughs and asks what I'm drinking. I've decided to stick to beer and give her my order.
By the time Kate comes back with drinks, I've scratched and Taylor is running the table. "Where'd you meet this guy, Atlantic City?"
"Oh, who's the witty one now?" Kate teases as she sets her drink down and comes over to stand next to me, handing me a beer. We watch while Taylor narrowly misses a shot. "Good luck." She whispers into my ear.
Apparently, luck was what I was missing the first shot, and I knock 3 balls in consecutively. My attempt at the fourth misses the pocket by a quarter of an inch at most. "Hey, not bad, Kid." Taylor says as he brushes me aside playfully and finishes running the table. I sigh and turn to look at Kate. She smiles and pulls out a stool next to her and pats it. I go sit on it and watch as Taylor sinks the eight ball.
Like the good sport I am, I stand to shake Taylor's hand and tell him good job. He takes my hand graciously and says, "It was a valiant effort, Sarah." Before he lets go, he gives me a wink. I smile widely at him, realizing that it is his nature to tease.
"Well, thanks for the ass kicking, Minnesota Fats." I say as his hand finally slips from mine. He laughs and to my pleasure it is a loud, belly laugh. I hear Kate chuckling as well.
"Well girls, tomorrow is a school day for me. The fall session is starting soon and I have all kinds of fresh faced young ones that still need to register." Taylor says as he reaches over to give Kate a hug. "You okay to get home?" He asks her quietly. I see her nod and he leans down to whisper something in her ear. It is something that gets him a swat to the shoulder and a small smile.
"It was a pleasure meeting you, Sarah. Perhaps a rematch some time?" He says as he puts his hand out for me to shake.
"Perhaps." I say with a teasing grin.
"Good enough." He says, smiling widely. "I'll call you later this week, Kate." He says and then he is gone.
The bar is not crowded, but there is a jukebox playing some old country song. We are near the back of the bar and we have the area to ourselves. I become nervous as I realize this is the first time we've actually been alone.
"Do you have to get going too? I ask suddenly.
"No, I can hang out for a bit." She says, breaking eye contact to slide back onto her stool. After I slide back onto mine, she shifts herself so she is facing me. I do the same.
"How's your dad?" I ask.
"Oh, he's okay. A little embarrassed when I told him I had to have help to take him out of the bar this time." She replies with the same weariness she displayed yesterday. My mind recalls memories of my mother.
"It makes you feel so helpless, doesn't it? Knowing that you can't help them. That you aren't even important enough for them to stop for."
The look on her face alarms me to the fact that I've spoken the thought in my head aloud. The warmth in her hazel eyes creates a yearning in me to tell her all of my secrets. It scares me. I imagine it would scare her too.
"You must be the child of an alcoholic!" She points to me and exclaims in a sing-song voice that makes us both chuckle despite the somberness of my revelation.
"It does suck though doesn't it? Every drink I take, I wonder: "Is this the drink that will make me just like him?" She sets her bottle of beer down and stares at it. She begins running her finger through the condensation on the neck. "Actually it is pretty unusual for me to go out and have a drink. Taylor has just gone through a nasty break up and he wanted some company tonight. This is his favorite bar." She says, sweeping her eyes around the interior. They finally come to rest on me. "I'm glad I took him up on his invitation tonight."
I smile, warmed by her words. "Me too." I say. We sit in silence for a bit, both lost in our own thoughts.
Breaking the silence, Kate asks, "So, who's the alcoholic in your family?"
"My mom. At least she was." I say, shifting on my stool.
"Oh, did she go through the program?" She asks, a trace of hope in her voice that breaks my heart a little. I find myself wanting to shield her from the truth. I don't know if it was my mother's alcoholism that ultimately brought her to her death. After all, she quit drinking cold turkey six months before she killed herself. But from what I've been told, alcoholism is only a symptom of much larger ills.
"No, but she did stop drinking about six months before she died." I say, wanting to include the only hopeful part of this story.
"Oh, I'm so sorry Sarah. When did she pass away?"
Pass away. Sounds so benevolent. "She died a week ago. That's why I'm in town." I say with as much casualness as I can.
"Oh, oh. Wow. I'm sorry…" She reacts, putting her hand on my knee.
I shrug, hoping that she doesn't ask how she died.
"I'm staying with my brother." I say lamely just to try and change the subject.
"Did you grow up here?" She asks, taking the hint easily.
"I did. I left when I was seventeen."
"To go to school?" She asks. I grimace inwardly.
"No. Not to go to school." I reply simply and take a drink of my beer, hoping she'll move on to another topic. She remains silent though and I set my beer down and look at her. She's looking at me intently. Expectantly. It seems she's only going to give me a pass on my mother.
That eagerness I felt earlier to open up to her turns to apprehension, now that I'm faced with the opportunity. I decide on the version my brother knows. At least she'll know what team I'm batting for.
"When I was still in high school, my mother caught me with another girl. She reacted badly. I left home."
"Wow. That sucks. Not about the girl thing… The mom thing." She says with a quirk of a smile.
I smile in kind, relieved that she seems cool with it. Then her last three words come back into my mind. The word 'mom' conjures up the image of baking cookies, coming to watch games, giving advice. It was certainly not the norm for me growing up. My mother was not a mom and what she did, no mother would do to her child if she loved them. I suddenly feel sick and I excuse myself to the bathroom. As I reach the small dark hallway, I see the back door. I decide to just keep on walking.
I'm not sure if I've had too much to drink or if I'm just feeling the emotions of earlier today. I forgo calling the taxi service and begin walking to my brother's. I know it is probably not a good idea, but I really needed to get out of there. I feel real stupid for leaving, but know I would feel even more stupid breaking down and crying in the middle of a bar.
I'm about five minutes down the road when I hear the crunch of slow moving tires on the loose gravel on the shoulder of the main road. The car comes up next to me and before I can panic, I hear a woman's voice.
"The bathroom's a quarter mile back that way."
I stop dead in my tracks and look over at her. It's Kate. She stops her car and leans as far as she can to look at me. She is half-lit by the streetlight, but I can see her mouth turn into a teasing yet concerned smile. I can't think of a decent explanation that won't make me sound pathetic or like an ass.
"Are you walking home?" She asks through the open passenger window.
"Yeah… I mean no… I, uh, I just need to clear my head. A lot has happened in the last few days." I finally manage to get out as I start over to her car, wiping my tears away with the back of my hand.
"I know you haven't been here in a while, but this is not the best neighborhood to be walking around in, especially at night." She says as I reach her car.
"You should see where I live." I mumble.
"What?" She asks, but instead of explaining myself, I lean down into her window.
"I'm sorry I skipped out on you like that." I offer.
"That's okay. You can make it up to me by getting in the car before we both get mugged or something." She says lightly, pushing the passenger door open for me. I climb in and give her a small smile. Despite my earlier actions, I really was enjoying my time with her.
Before I'm fully settled, she puts her hand on my shoulder. "I'm really sorry for whatever I said that made you upset." She smiles at me, her expression filled with warmth and regret and I feel the tight bands tethering my heart down begin to loosen.
"It wasn't what you said so much as what popped into my mind. My mother and I never really… reconciled." I say, not knowing what else I really want to add. "I'm just in a really weird place right now." Growing weary of that topic, I smile and look at her and say, "What you said about the girl thing though was, kind of, um, enlightening."
"Oh yeah?" She queries with a quirk of a smile. Seconds tick by and neither of us speak. It is obvious that no one has the guts to explore that topic any further. At least not yet.
The silence is finally broken as she turns to me with a serious look on her face. "Listen, I know we barely know each other, but if you want to talk, I'm a great listener. I'm not just saying that either." I smile at her and it is my turn to nod. I can tell she's not the type to push and I feel comfortable leaving it at that.
"It's a beautiful night, isn't it?" I say craning my head to look up through the closed passenger window.
"It is." She says and mirrors my position on the driver's side.
We sit in the car for a few more soundless seconds, both looking up into the night sky. I'm sure anyone passing by would think we were high and searching for UFOs. As I take a deep breath, I am enveloped by her smell. I can't really call it a perfume because it is not that strong. Perhaps it is a shower gel or lotion. Either way, she smells really good. I'm just about to ask her what it is she uses when she turns to me and says, "So, that part about you being caught with another girl, was that like a… phase, or…" She leaves off the end of the sentence, hoping I'll elaborate. I'm elated and terrified that she's brought it up again.
"You want to know if I'm gay?" I ask lightly.
She looks at me expectantly and I respond matter of fact. "Yes. I like women. I am a lesbian." I wait for a response and don't get one immediately. "You're not freaked out are you?" I ask, half-knowing she isn't, but wanting to make sure.
"Oh, no. We bat for the same team, sister." She replies with a chuckle. I smile at her. This time it is a wide, tooth-filled one.
"Wow. I think I found the only other lesbian in Barstow." I quip.
"Oh, you'd be surprised, Sarah." She replies with a wink. "Do you want to come over?" She asks suddenly.
"Oh, um… well, I didn't tell my brother I'd be out very late…" I start to say, feeling really silly for even bring that up. I stop and start again. "But, I am an adult." Geez, that sounded lame, even to my own ears.
"Right, well. I can drive you home, or whatever." She says. My brain quickly supplies reasons this smart, attractive woman is asking me to come over. She feels bad for me, she just wants to talk, she's lonely. Well, I'm lonely too. I'll take what I can get. I just don't want to leave her company yet.
"I'd like to come over." I say, trying to keep the trepidation out of my voice. I'm not sure of her intentions and I know I'm not going to be able to figure out any cues she might throw my way, whatever they may be.
"Okay." She says simply and starts the car and heads down the road. I settle my head on the back of the headrest and think to myself that I have not been this nervous since I asked Jamie to come up to my room for the first and last time many, many years ago.
Her house is a neat little single story towards the east part of town. It has a nicely landscaped yard with a small grass patch surrounded by some succulents and other plants native to the desert. "I hope you like dogs. I have two." She says as she unlocks the door and opens it. Suddenly, we are surrounded by two yapping dachshunds. Their sleek sable coats gleam in the porch light. "Sarah, meet Otto and Gertie." I kneel down and they jump up on their powerful hind legs to get in a few licks.
"They are adorable!" I exclaim. It is one thing I miss having in my life, but I couldn't keep a dog in my apartment. Not only is it not allowed, it wouldn't be fair to the dog. I continue to pet them until Kate steps over the threshold and the dogs immediately follow her. I laugh at their little wiggle butts and tails trotting into the house, side by side.
"So, here's home. Make yourself comfortable. Would you like a drink?" She asks, already heading to the kitchen.
"Sure. A beer if you have it." I call to her as I look around her home. It has the look of someone who recently moved in: Naked walls, a few boxes stacked up near the hall, a couple of framed pictures lean against the wall next to a small TV. A small console that holds the TV and a small stereo is set up in the corner near the French doors that lead out to the backyard. Two tall bookcases stand against the longest wall half-full of books, and a small collection of DVDs and CDs. Most of the books are hardback I note. They are mostly college textbooks and history books. There are a few fiction novels as well.
I find my way to the fairly new looking neutral colored couch and have a seat. "I hope you like Sam Adams. It's the only kind I have in the fridge that isn't expired." She says with a small smile. She holds her beer towards me and I do the same and we clink the bottles. "To new friends." She says and I repeat it with a small smile of my own. We both take a sip and she plops herself down on the couch.
We both silently sip our beer for a few minutes. I'm growing increasingly nervous but I don't know what to do about it. As I drink my beer, I vacillate between being scared she'll actually be interested in me and being really disappointed if she isn't.
For the past 16 years, I have led a celibate and solitary life. Whether I've done it consciously or not, I don't know. I do know that the consequences of my brief relationship those many years ago were more than I ever care to bear again. But I'm an adult now and the root of those consequences is dead. I shouldn't be afraid anymore.
"So, how long are you going to be in town?" I hear her ask. I look over at her as I lean down to pet the two sleeping dogs that have wedged themselves between our feet and the coffee table.
"Well, I'm not sure. My brother asked me to stay on and help sell our mother's house. I owe him that much. He arranged everything, for my mother." I say.
She nods as if processing the information. "Well if you need any help, or a realtor, let me know. I know a good one." She replies and she too bends down to pet the now alert dogs. Our hands brush against each other and a sort of tension grips the air around us. She breaks it by bringing her hand to my cheek and kissing me lightly on the lips.
I pull back only slightly, out of disbelief more than anything. I see her begin to speak, but I stop her. "Sorry, it's just been a long time since…" I falter, embarrassed to say anything more. I don't want to think, I don't want to speculate or second-guess this. I smile and lean in and kiss her. It's not so soft this time and I hear her breath catch, but she's not backing away.
No words are exchanged for minutes as we continue to seek each other's lips, tongues. My mind is a haze of sensations I haven't felt for so long, I'd considered them forever dormant.
Kate stops and pulls back and I follow her retreat and hear her chuckle, low and sexy. I open my eyes and notice her skin is flush and her lips a bright red. I'm filled with wonder that she seems to be as into this as me. She takes both of my hands and rises from the couch. I follow her up.
She turns and drops one hand but keeps hold of the other and begins to walk towards the hall. I panic for a few seconds, scared that my inexperience will turn her off before we even begin. I should warn her, I thought. I should tell her…
"You okay with this?" She asks as she crosses the threshold of what I assume is her bedroom. I nod as she looks back at me, the hall light spilling in through the door is the only illumination in the room. She smiles and walks to the nightstand turning on a small light. I watch her, hands to my sides as she opens up her nightstand drawer and pulls out some matches, lighting a couple of candles on her nightstand and dresser.
She turns to face me and she begins to undress, unzipping her jeans and sliding them down long legs. I watch breathlessly as she slips out of her t-shirt and climbs into the bed in only her underwear. Her eyebrows rise in question and I begin kicking off my tennis shoes and undressing unceremoniously, leaving on my undergarments as well
. I wish we had had a few more beers, I think as I slip into the other side of the bed.
"Come here." She commands in a quiet, steady voice. I slide over and hear a loud, lengthy howling bark. Kate leans over the bed and wags a finger. "Go lay down." She says in a way that will brook no argument. Even from a dog. I hear the padding of eight little feet across the room and a decidedly human sigh come from both dogs as they settle in. We both chuckle at the indignant canines until our attention returns to each other.
She looks at me for a long moment and just as I think she will say something, she cups the back of my head and kisses me deeply. I lay back and she follows, covering my upper body with hers. I boldly reach up and caress her silk covered breast. A rush of air comes over my face and I hear her groan. I smile to myself, thinking this won't be so hard to remember. Just then, she pulls herself fully on top of me and wedges her hips between my legs. A memory grips me and I slam my eyes shut momentarily, willing it away. If I stop her, I'll have to explain. I don't want to. I concentrate on pushing it away and turn my focus onto what she is doing with her hand on my breast. I want this. I want her.
Her touch is fevered but soft, insistent, but not overwhelming. I follow her lead and whatever elicits moans I repeat. Soon, the rest of our clothing is gone and she is writhing against my thigh, rough breaths and tightly closed eyes above me and I feel like I'm on another planet. I grab her hips to hold on rather than guide her for she knows what she's doing. I can't help but grin at the pleasure she's getting from this. Suddenly her eyes open and she catches my grin. Kate grins too, it is shy and sexy and she bends down to kiss me deeply. She rises above me just enough to balance on one hand as she brings her other one to my hand and guides it to between our bodies. "Touch me." She commands simply.
I twist my hand around until I feel her clit and stiffen them enough so she presses on them with every thrust. It's only a matter of seconds before she's groaning out her release, collapsing onto me, her face nuzzling into my neck. She breathes so heavily, I'm afraid she will hyperventilate. We lay like this for a few moments until I hear her breathing slow and her lips touch my neck. "Wow." I hear her breathe out. I'm too afraid to say anything, lest I say something dumb.
She picks up her head and props it up on a hand, her sweat-slicked elbow tight against my shoulder. She looks down at me. "That was great." She says, still slightly out of breath. I smile in response, again, not wanting to say anything that will sound foolish. She leans in to kiss my lips tenderly and pulls away slightly to whisper, "What do you like?"
I'm sure for most it's a pretty simple question. "Uh, I like what we just did." I answer honestly.
"Indeed. But what do
you like?" She asked again, a smile on her face. My mind went back to what Jamie and I did way back when. It was mainly just fondling each other's newly forming breasts. However, there was that one time…
"I liked to be touched, I guess." I say, sounding every bit the 16 year old I was the last time I was in bed with a girl.
I think for sure Kate is going to ask where I like to be touched, but she begins trailing a hand down between my breasts, across my belly and down to the apex of my thighs. I sigh deeply when her fingers slide through my wetness and I gasp loudly when a warm mouth covers my nipple. She touches me for all of about thirty seconds before I begin to climax, grunting with the effort to stay quiet. I feel kisses raining down on my chin, cheeks and nose and finally a deep kiss before I can take a deep breath.
My eyes are still closed tightly as Kate withdrawals her fingers. "You are very quiet." She says lightly as she continues to kiss me. I sigh into a smile and shrug my response. "You thirsty?" She asks as she begins to slide out of bed. I say yes and she is out the door before I can even open my eyes to get a glance at her naked backside.
She returns and hands me a glass. I sit up, bringing the sheet with me. "I'm going to take the dogs out. You want to stay or should I take you back?" She asks as she opens a drawer and pulls out a t-shirt and boxers and slips them on. Her body is even nicer than I imagined.
"Well, if you don't mind me staying. I hate to have you drive all the way to my brother's and back. I'll just call him and leave a message on his cell." I say as I gesture to her phone on her nightstand. She nods her assent and calling to the dogs, disappears again with them trotting behind her.
When she returns, I slide over to the other side of the bed. "Do you want a t-shirt and shorts to sleep in?" She asks as she stands next to the bed.
"Sure." I reply slowly. I'd hoped to be able to look upon her naked body again once she returned. She collects a t-shirt and boxers and hands them to me.
"I have an extra toothbrush in the hall bathroom, down the hall to the left." Kate says as she heads to her own bathroom.
"Okay." I say weakly. This isn't the post-coital bliss I imagined. But then again, what did I expect? We don't even really know each other. I suddenly feel the urge to get up and leave. Call a cab, walk, whatever. I don't want to give the impression that I expected something different though. I'm not sure what I expected, but I know it wasn't this. I get up and dress quickly, going to the other bathroom and using the aforementioned extra toothbrush. By the time I get back, there is a lone candle still flickering and Kate is sound asleep on her side facing her nightstand.
I blow out the candle and make my way to the bed, taking as little space as possible on the empty side and eventually falling into a fitful sleep.
Chapter 4
"Ew, this carpet is going to have to come out." I say to no one as I move the couch and see the vast color difference between the carpet that was under the couch and the carpet that wasn't. I had spent the last two days on my mother's house, assessing what needs to be done to get it into selling order.
When it had come time for me to get started in the house, I had found it surprisingly easy. A lot different from the first time I'd come with Cole and Mary. I guess I did get a bit of closure after the funeral. Or perhaps the fact that she's gone has sunken in a little more with the passing days.
Or maybe it's because I've had other things on my mind. Like Kate. It's been two days since I'd awoken early and called a cab to her house, leaving her clothes folded neatly at the end of the bed. I can't believe she didn't wake up, even after the commotion of me letting the dogs out to go to the bathroom. Either way, I guess she was done with me, as I haven't heard from her since.
I spent the first day going over the evening in my head, wondering if I'd sent off weird signals or something. I certainly felt an attraction and I thought she did too. I guess it was just something to do to pass the time. Or maybe I was that bad…
"Ah, fuck it." I say to the dingy carpet. I begin to scout out where I will put the furniture as I rip out the carpet. The second hand store will not be picking up the furniture for another three days and I'll only have the Dumpster here for another two.
I hear Cole's truck pull up as I am moving the empty bookcase to the dining room. "Hey." I hear him call through the front door. I call back to him and he moves to help me with the heavy bookcase. "How's it going?" He asks as we slide it onto the linoleum.
"Good. I thought we'd replace this carpet. It's gonna look real bad with the furniture gone." I say, gesturing to the spots that look like reverse shadows of the couch, the bookcase and the coffee table.
"I'd say so." He says putting his hands on his hips. We'd decided that I'd stay for another two weeks and pretty much be in charge of getting the house in order. Any work that needed to be done would come out of Cole's account and he'd be reimbursed after the sale. Meanwhile, I'd just live off of my savings, pitching in for meals and gas when I borrowed Cole's truck for trips to the home improvement store.
"Take Mary to help pick out carpet, if you'd like. She loves that stuff." Cole says as he continues to look around the living room. "What else you planning on doing?" He inquires lightly.
I start down the hall towards the bathroom. "Well, I thought I'd replace the faucets in the kitchen and bathroom. Replace the linoleum in the kitchen and bathroom with tile. Paint. The carpets in the two bedrooms look okay. Just need a good cleaning." I say, belatedly realizing I didn't even think to call them our old rooms, which they were. Left unsaid is the fact that the master bedroom carpet will need to be replaced. We walk past the room altogether, neither of us ready to talk about it.
He nods or grunts his agreement to everything and I look up at him to see if he has anything else to add. "No, it all sounds good. You think we'll need to hire anyone?" He asks, scratching his beard slowly.
"Only carpet installers, I think. I've done tiling and replacing faucets before. I might need some help on tiling the kitchen though." We walk back to the living room.
"I'm sure we can knock it out in a weekend, you and I." He says with a small grin. I return it. He suddenly pulls me into his side, his arm going around my shoulder. "I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you home, Sarah, but I'm so happy you are here." He is looking down at me and I can tell he's holding back quite a bit of emotion. I can hear it in his voice too.
"Likewise, Brother." I say, smiling at him and he releases me with a tight squeeze.
"Hey, you two. Dinner's ready." Elise announces as she comes bounding up the cracked cement pathway. "Hi Daddy." She says and gives him hug. "How was work?" She asks as she backs down the steps, waiting for us to lock up for the night.
"Good. How's your mom?" He asks as he walks back to his truck.
"She's good. Oh, Aunt Sarah, a lady named Kate Copeland called for you." She says, turning to me.
"I'll see you home in a sec." Cole calls out over his truck as he gets in it to drive it the four houses down. We both nod to him and continue walking.
"She called the home phone?" I ask, surprised because I don't recall giving her the number.
"Yep." Elise says absently. We arrive at the house and I am surrounded by a delicious aroma as Elise opens the front door. "Mom's lasagna. It is amazing." Elise explains and I follow her into the kitchen.
"Hey Sarah. How did it go over at the house?" Mary asks, taking some bread out of the oven. I stand at the counter as Elise busies herself with setting the table.
"Good. Only need to do a few minor things and we're good to go."
"Oh, that's good. I'd hate for you to have to do a lot of work on it. Did Elise tell you a woman named Kate called here? She left a message." Mary says, nodding her head towards the answering machine, her hands still full.
A bit of fear grips me. I can't imagine Cole has told Mary or Elise too much about my past. I don't think I've even told him that the liking girls thing stuck. But Mary and Elise obviously listened to the message, so it must not say anything telling. I reach over the phone book and press 'play' on the answering machine.
"Hello, my name is Kate Copeland I'm looking for a Sarah Leeds. I hope I have the right phone number. If not, please ignore me. If I do, Sarah, could you please call me back at…" I grab a pen and scribble her number on the back of a receipt, smiling at her message.
"That was a girl I met the other night. She said she had a contact for a realtor." I explain, reasoning that it was partly true.
"Oh, good." I hear Cole say, not realizing he's been standing right outside the kitchen. A look passes between us and I get the impression he wants to ask about Kate.
"Go wash up, everyone!" Mary says as she sets the lasagna in the middle of the table on some hot plates. The moment passes as I turn to the kitchen sink and he hurries up the stairs to change.
After dinner I debate calling Kate. I imagine I'll be getting the official brush off and I'm not really in the mood to hear her reasons. However, she must have done some real detective work to get my brother's number. I make up my mind and take the cordless phone outside and dial her number.
"Hello?" She answers on the second ring.
"Hi, Kate, this is Sarah." I say, taking a seat on one of the patio chairs.
"Oh, good, I did get the right number. I was hoping your brother would, one, have the same last name and two, be listed in the phone book." She said in a rush. I smile.
"Well, you are pretty lucky we have the same last names. We had the same mother, but different fathers. My mother never married either of them so we just got her last name."
"I see. Well, my next plan was to hang out at the bar until I saw you again." She says.
"Why?" I hear myself asking. I cringe at my own bluntness and I'm mad at myself for tipping my hand.
"Listen, can we meet for coffee or something?" She asks instead of answering, a slight note of desperation in her voice. My first thought is to say no and just leave it at that. However, I hate feeling this hurt and confusion that has bubbled up since I left her bed. At least meeting with her could clear up the confusion.
"Sure. When?"
"Can we meet tonight?" She asks.
"Yeah. I'll go ask to borrow my brother's truck." I say, getting up and going towards the back door.
"Okay. You want to meet at the coffee shop next to the post office?" She asks. I know the one. We agree to meet in an hour.
When I get there, she's already seated, but doesn't see me yet. I make it to the front of the table before she looks up. A twisted napkin is the only thing on the table. I pull out the chair opposite her and we exchange small, awkward smiles.
"I…"
"Um…"
We both start. "You go first." I say, wanting to hear her out. She looks at the twisted napkin she's already tortured for a few seconds.
"I was just wondering why you left without saying anything." She says finally, looking up from her twisting.
I look at her wondering what she would have made of her actions if it had been the other way around.
"Well, it just seemed you didn't want me there… afterward. You kinda shut me out." She looks up at me with a puzzled look on her face and then looks back down.
"I don't go looking for one night stands." Kate says as if this explains everything.
"But you found one, right?" I say curtly. I watch her expression turn contrite, but I'm still feeling a bit raw about the whole thing. "Look, I just… I haven't been with anyone in a long, long time and I don't know the… etiquette, or whatever. All I know was you rolled off the bed afterwards and became… I don't know… different."
"I suppose it freaked me out too. When I said I don't go looking for one-night stands, I meant it. I've never done this before." The napkin is now in shreds and she discards it with a sweep of her hand to the corner of the table.
"I haven't either. Hell, I haven't slept with anyone for 17 years." I say. I watch her eyes shoot up at me and I meet them shyly. I look down, embarrassed.
"Are you kidding?" She asks me, eyes boring into mine.
"You mean you couldn't tell?" I ask, trying for self-deprecating humor to deflect the blow of truth.
"Is that a trick question?" She asks with a quirking grin.
My head shoots up and I stare at her, not knowing how to respond to that one. "Sorry, bad joke." She says with a rueful smile. "Can we just start over?" She asks after a brief silence.
"I think that's a good idea." I reply with a relieved smile.
"Then how about dinner tomorrow night, my place?" She asks around a timid smile.
After leaving the coffee shop I head back to my brother's, deep in thought. I realize this new start will most likely be pretty short-lived as I only plan on being here another week, two weeks at the most. And though we've decided to start over, we never voiced what it was we were even starting in the first place. Perhaps we would discuss it over dinner the next evening.
~~~~
The next day during the afternoon, I decide to tackle my mother's bedroom. I'd left it until last, building up my courage with every room. Cole all but insisted on hiring someone to take everything out and rip out the carpet, but I told him I'd do everything but the carpet. Truth be told, I want to go through her stuff. Perhaps it will shed some light on her. I never really knew her and I'm not sure how to feel about that. Once I told Cole that, he seemed to understand and simply offered his help if I needed it. I noticed Mary had taken the evening shift so she could be home today too. She had come over a few times, checking in on me, bringing me lunch and drinks. She had made sure that I knew she was there to help as well, but I knew she understood my need to do it on my own. I smile now at how much I have grown to genuinely love my brother and his family. I would miss them a lot when I went back home.
I stand at the threshold, wondering where to start. I decide on the closet and go to grab a few boxes to load clothes and shoes in. I set them on the bed and open the closet. Her perfume assails my senses. I step back to gather myself and then begin to grab hangers, slip the clothes off of them and put them in the first box.
Some things I recognize: an old robe, a dress, a pencil skirt. Some I don't recognize: a pair of jeans, leopard print shirt. Must have been bar outfits, I think to myself.
Each item I bring out smells like her and I try hard to keep emotions in check: anger, hurt, sadness. They all battle it out within my heart, but I continue on, all business to anyone who would come in and see what I'm doing.
Finishing with the closet, I move to the dresser. I look over my shoulder to see I need another box, so I go to the front room and get one. I look around as I go through the hall, realizing I've gotten almost everything done.
I tackle the dresser with less trepidation than the closet. I let my mind wander to other things as I engage in the task of emptying out the rest of my mother's belongings into a box. I get to the bottom right drawer and grab a handful of rolled up stockings. My fingers do not scrape pressboard, but paper. I drop what I have in my hand into the box and see an envelope. My name is written on it in handwriting I don't recognize.
I push up from my kneeling position and sit down on the bed. I turn the envelope and note that it has been opened. I pull out what looks to be a letter and I open it and begin to read.
Sarah,
I know this letter will be of little consolation to you. Even after all these years, not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about what I did to you. Not that it is an excuse, but your mom said you were into me and, well, I really liked you too. But I should have just left when you asked me to. I know I can't take back what I did. I just wanted you to know that I will be ashamed of my actions for the rest of my life. I hope maybe you can forgive me someday.
Kyle
I sit, staring at the letter. Two questions keep repeating in my head.
When did he write this? Why did my mother have it? I feel like I'm going to be sick.
"What is it, Sarah?" I hear from the doorway. My head shoots up in surprise. I look up into the concerned eyes of my brother.
Can I hide this? "Sarah, what did you find?"
He's at my side before I can make a decision and I feel the letter slip out of my numb fingers into his. I stare at the floor as he silently reads it.
"What is this?" Cole asks in a shocked whisper. When I don't reply immediately, he repeats the question, this time with more volume. I can't meet his intense gaze.
"It's a letter from the boy that raped me 16 years ago."
Continued...