Chapter 5
I'm sitting on my brother's couch, watching him fidget near the fireplace. Thankfully, Mary and Elise are out shopping. This is going to be hard enough. As soon as I revealed who Kyle was, I knew I would have to tell Cole everything. But I couldn't in that house.
"Remember when I told you about being caught by mom with Jamie and how she flipped out?" I ask, needing him to know that I did not lie to him.
"Yes." He said, finally settling down next to me.
"Well, she apparently thought she could 'cure' me. A few days after she caught us, she had Kyle waiting in my room when I got home after school." I know if I turn to look at my brother, I would see confusion and perhaps hurt at hearing this story so many years later. I keep my eyes straight ahead, knowing it is the only way that I can get through my story.
"He was a boy that I went to school with before he graduated. I then worked at the Tasty Freeze with him. He kept asking me out. I always turned him down. He called our house a few times. It's the only way I can imagine that mother knew about him." I take a deep breath and I start to feel my hands get clammy. "I was a bit confused. I asked him what he was doing here. He told me that mother said that I should give him a chance. I should have turned around and walked out the door right then and there. Instead I invited him to sit down on the bed and I explained to him that it wasn't him. I just wasn't interested in boys in general."
I hear Cole clear his throat and I purse my lips, again resisting the urge to look at him. I continue on. "He seemed to be getting it, but when I asked him to leave, he begins to beg for a chance. Then he says that my mother just thinks I need to see what it's like. That stunned me and I guess it showed on my face or something. I got up off of the bed to go to the door and tell him to get the hell out. But I didn't make it. He grabbed me, shoved me on the bed and raped me."
I caution a look at Cole now, who is sitting looking at the floor, stone-faced. He then turns to look at me and I can see the tear slip out of his eye.
"After he was done, he pulled up his pants without a word. Mother met him at my bedroom door, asking if he was leaving already." I swallow the anger down. "I know she must have heard my muffled screams."
At this, Cole jumps from the couch and stands, fists clenched. "Jesus Sarah."
I look up at him sadly. "There's more." I say quietly. He scrubs his face and sits back down heavily. He takes my hand now and turns towards me. "I became pregnant. I didn't realize it until I had run away. A worker at a shelter I was staying in helped me get an abortion."
I look carefully into his eyes, waiting for the questions I know are coming. "Even before I knew the whole story, I've always wondered... Why didn't you come to me?" He asks plaintively.
I squeeze his hand. "I thought about it. I knew I could count on you, like before." Our eyes met in silent acknowledgement of the night he came home with bloody hands and a promise. "But, I knew you were struggling to support your family. I didn't want to be a burden. I was horrified, embarrassed. I also knew I couldn't stay here." I say. I can tell he is hurt by what I say and I have no words to make him feel better.
His jaw clenches and I can see abject anger take over his features. "If I could, I'd dig that woman up, just so I could kill her." He says through clenched teeth. The vehemence of the statement more than the statement itself scares me. I realize it is his way of reacting to a situation that he had no control over. "And what of this monster, Kyle. Did he try to contact you again?"
"Apparently he did, with the letter." I say, gesturing to the letter on the coffee table.
"I bet he's still here." Cole says. I see the wheels turning in his mind.
"The statue of limitations on rape ran out a long time ago." I say.
"I could still find him." He says evenly.
"No. I don't want you getting into any trouble." I say strongly. I grab his forearm, making sure he's listening.
His shoulders slump and I can tell he's frustrated that he cannot help me with this. I took that opportunity from him by just leaving and staying gone for many years.
The front door opens and Mary and Elise stumble in with bags in both hands. Before going to go help them, I grab the letter and stuff it in my pocket.
"You guys okay?" Mary asks, handing over one of the bags to her husband. "You look like you've been through the wars." She says with a small smile.
"Just having a heart to heart." Cole says with a grin for his wife. He looks up at me with such compassion, it nearly makes me cry.
"Yeah. I have the best big brother." I say, hoping the emotion is held in check in my voice. After we've gotten all of the groceries in Cole and I go outside together to shut the car's trunk. He wraps me in a tight hug.
"I know the letter precipitated it, but thank you for finally telling me what really happened. I'm just sick with sadness that you went through it all on your own. That it even happened in the first place."
"Cole, I can't say that it hasn't really affected me. It has in very fundamental ways. But believe me when I tell you that just by being here with you and your family and telling you the whole story, I feel like things are going to be changing for me for the better."
He tightens the hug a bit more and then releases me. "That's good. That's good to hear, Sarah." He says simply.
I know that Cole wanted me to stay for dinner, but I had made previous plans with Kate. When he asked about her, I just smiled and let him know that if there is anything to talk about, he would be the first to hear. Satisfied with that, he lent me the keys to his truck with instructions to have it back by morning for work.
Now, I'm here on her front porch. I'm about to knock on the frame of the screen when I hear her talking. I step back and listen when I hear my name. I realize she's on the phone.
"I know I probably shouldn't have. She just seemed so sad." There is a pause and then she chuckles. "I know." I hear and then another short pause. "Yes, I invited her to dinner. She's not going to be in town for long."
Her end of the phone conversation goes silent and I hazard a peak through the open door and see her head to the back door. "I'm not going to start anything with her. I'm just spending some time with her." Her hand lingers on the doorknob and I hear her sigh. "I will. Don't worry. I gotta go, she'll be here any moment.... Okay, bye."
I'm stuck between feeling guilty for eavesdropping and curious as to whom she was talking to. I'm also disappointed to find out the real reason she slept with me. She did feel sorry for me.
Before I can think further on the subject she opens the back door, letting in her dogs. They make a beeline to the front door, sensing me at the door long before she could. She smiles and sets the phone down on the coffee table, making her way between the wiggling dogs to let me in.
"Hey." She says softly.
"Hi." I say, handing her a six-pack of the beer I saw her drinking at the bar. She takes it with raised eyebrows. I quickly explain. "I saw you drinking it at the bar and the rest of your beer was expired and I didn't know if you liked wine so..." I stop talking as her smile grows in intensity.
"That is very sweet and thoughtful." She says simply, kissing my cheek gently before letting me all the way in. She takes the beer from me and I bend down to pet the dogs and it is only then I let my smile run my face for a second. She seems genuinely pleased. It effectively erases my thoughts of her phone conversation.
"I hope you like chicken." She says over her shoulder. I start to nod, but then realize she can't see me.
"Yep." I say over the canine excitement. I follow her into the kitchen.
She puts a small cutting board, a knife, two frosty glasses and two of the new bottles in front of me with a smile as I sit on one of the barstools that face her kitchen. I get to work cutting orange slices and then pouring the beer slowly into the glasses. I place the orange slice on top and hop off the stool to put her glass next to her at the stove and then I take the cutting board and rinse it as well as the knife and bottles, leaving the orange next to the sink.
I lean back against the counter, watching her work in silence. What I wouldn't give to know what's going on in her head. She turns her head to see I placed the beer next to her. She picks it up and turns from the stove to face me. "Thanks." She says around a grin. "I'm making some pasta with chicken." She announces.
"Sounds good." I say, holding her eyes for a few seconds. Again, the small grin and she turns around again to check on one of the ingredients. "Thanks again for having me over." I say, not knowing what else to say.
"Of course." She says cheerfully. She puts a spoon containing sauce to her mouth and blows on it for a few seconds before carefully walking over to me with it, other hand under it to catch spills. "Taste." She says and I open my mouth. It's wonderful and I tell her so.
"Did you make it yourself?" I ask, sounding stupid to my own ears. She doesn't seem to think the question stupid as she nods with a proud smile.
"You really like it?" She asks in wonder. I nod again and she turns back around in an almost child-like manner and goes back to stirring. It occurs to me, just then, that she is nervous. I find it a bit endearing.
My thoughts turn to her phone conversation suddenly. She herself said she doesn't want to start anything. I'm leaving in a week in a half or so. Yet, I know there is some sort of connection between us. If I wasn't sure before, I was now after the little exchange a few seconds ago.
"Dinner's ready." She says, turning back to me, her smile much more casual and relaxed than before.
"What can I do?" I ask. She sets me to work on setting the table. Soon we are sitting, enjoying the pasta with chicken. She really is quite a good cook.
"Where did you learn?" I ask. The easiness we have established deflates immediately at my question. She looks up at me with a closed off expression and she puts her fork down gently onto her plate.
"I dated a chef once." She says. Obviously, I sense more to that story but figure I'm not going to hear it anytime soon. I kick myself for ruining the mood. She must sense my thoughts. "Sorry. It just brings up some memories for me."
"Right. Well, sorry I brought it up." I say honestly. She gives me a small smile across the table.
"Yeah, how dare you unwittingly bring up my crazy ex." She chastises teasingly, pulling me out of a quickly developing funk.
"Well, you just let me know what other subjects to stay away from and I'll be sure to." I say smartly. She looks at me in quiet alarm until I smile at her. She chuckles somewhat ruefully and I join her.
"What do you do for fun?" She asks suddenly as she goes back to eating. I think about it for a few seconds.
"Read I guess. I like to walk around the city when I have days off." I hope there isn't a 'what else?' coming. That is all I have.
"And what city would that be?" She asks, gesturing for me to continue.
"San Francisco." I reply.
"No shit." She says, more to herself than to me. I look at her quizzically. "Well, it's just ironic, kind of. I just moved from there." She says.
"No kidding." Is all I can say as I look at her, watching her expression close down again.
I guess no topic is safe for us, I think sardonically.
"Nope. Not kidding." She takes a deep breath and stares out the French doors off the dining room. I'm guessing the silence is the weighing of the risk against the value of telling me the story. I wait patiently.
"I was living with a woman, the chef I spoke of earlier. She had a lot of promise and a lot of baggage." She let out a humorless chuckle and then was quiet for a few seconds. "I thought love could cure all, you know? I gave up years of my life trying to make her happy. Turns out that it was impossible. At first I figured she was just insecure because of things that happened in her past. Her story just made my heart hurt for her and I thought I could make her forget it all, you know? But this constant need for reassurance eventually morphed into jealousy, manipulation, distrust and some pretty passive-aggressive shit. Every word I said was second-guessed. I apparently had motives beyond what I thought were pretty transparent actions and statements. I could make no right moves.
It took a long time for me to see that happiness was a burden she just couldn't bear. It would have meant giving up her self-loathing and actually looking at the world that was beyond her and her damaged soul.
When I finally realized I had to end the relationship, I hardly recognized myself. I'd lost friends, a promising career, my independence. It was a horrible time." Her eyes get distant as if reliving that time again. She shutters as if trying to shake off the memories. "I came home to try and figure out what happened and what to do next." She finishes with a casual shrug.
"Any progress on either front?" I ask, curious.
"Not much, but I'm working on it." She says with a small grin.
"I heard you on the phone, earlier." I stammer out before I even know what I'm saying. She looks up at me with a mix of curiosity and apprehension. "I was walking up to your door and it was open. I overheard you saying something about me being sad. Is that why you brought me home that night?" I ask, more for confirmation than real curiosity. Nevertheless, the way she can't meet my eyes tells me all I need to know. I quickly put it all in context: the story, the phone conversation, the guilty look in her eyes... It seems I was nothing but a sympathy fuck.
I guess she read it in my face because she reaches out and takes my hand that sits listlessly on the table. "God help me, it seems that that's what I'm attracted to. Your pain is so close to the surface, Sarah, and your sadness. Half of me wants you to spill all your secrets to me and the other half is terrified that you will and I'll end up falling for you because of it. In a moment of weakness, I'm sorry... All I saw was your pain and I wanted to make it better, if only for a night."
"Well, you put it in a much more diplomatic way than I did in my head." I say with a rueful chuckle.
She looks in my direction and I can read the contrition on her face. I wonder if it's because of her confession or because she regrets taking me home that night. I do not want to know the answer to that one. I decide to turn it back onto her though.
"Anyway, everyone carries around pain. Even you." I say pointedly.
She looks directly into my eyes for the first time since we started this conversation. "You're right. But I have a feeling yours is not self-inflicted. I'm too embarrassed to tell my dad why I moved back." She adds wearily.
"Being embarrassed about something doesn't necessarily mean it's your fault." I reason, instantly wondering if I'm trying to convince myself more than I am Kate. The revelation has no time to be scrutinized however because she begins talking.
"We all make our choices, Sarah. I didn't have to stay in that relationship, but I did. Beyond what any reasonable person would have put up with. I can blame no one else but myself for that kind of pain." She finishes in a way that leaves no room for countering.
"How do you know mine isn't?" I ask, more than a little piqued at her assumption.
"How do I know your pain isn't self-inflicted?" She confirms. At my nod she looks deeply into my eyes. "Well, not even counting the death of your mother, remember the night I took you home?" I nod again. "When I climbed between your legs, you flinched and I remember a fleeting look in your eyes." My eyes go wide at her words. I thought she hadn't noticed. "It was only for a second and I figured you were just nervous. But then I thought about it again, right after." She looks at my eyes, searching. "Did something happen to you?" She asks bluntly but not unkindly.
I look down at her hand that is still covering mine, surprised that she has the nerve to ask and wondering if she really is prepared to hear the answer. It wouldn't be that hard to unburden myself of my secrets. I know if I tell her the truth though, it will just confirm to her that she is falling into the same bad habit that drove her out of her previous life, falling for damaged goods. Another person haunted by their past.
I am silent for a good long while, trying to figure out how to respond when she leans in and kisses me warmly. "Listen, you are only here for a few more days. What's the harm in just enjoying each other while you are here, no pressure, no strings. Would you like that? Because I would, very much."
I feel that with that statement, she has dismissed any possibility of this being anything more than a casual fling. Right now though, I guess I can't see it for anything other than that either. She's also letting me off the hook about answering her question so I readily go with the change in topic.
"You are right. Let's enjoy the here and now." I say finally.
It seems we've come to some sort of truce and the ease comes back into the room. We busy ourselves with cleaning up the dinner dishes. We have another beer and go out to her backyard. The dogs take turns lying at our feet for petting and to have us throw some old nasty toy for them to chase.
As the sun sets, we head into the living room and begin to watch television. It is understood that I will stay the night and I am teased mercilessly as I call Cole to tell him I'll have his truck back in plenty of time to get to work. He begins to tease me too until I tell him he has to explain to Mary and Elise where I am and why I won't be coming home tonight. I begin feeling guilty though and almost change my mind. As if Cole is reading my mind he tells me to have fun and not to worry.
When I hang up, I see that Kate has left the living room. I call her name, following the sounds of the dogs until I come to her bedroom doorway. She is already in a pair of boxers and a tank top and I grin. If someone had said I'd be having sex again, in this town of all places, two weeks ago, I would have laughed in their face.
I walk slowly into the room and her attention turns to me and only me. The dogs obediently jump off the bed and find their own bed. "So, ready for more practice?" Kate asks. I take off my shirt and toss it at her playfully for a response. She laughs and strips off her shirt and bra. I smile and instantly become aroused at the sight of her and thoughts of being a sympathy fuck get chased to the back corner of my mind.
~~~~
With the house finished for the day, I decide to walk to Kate's office on campus. It's a bit of a trek in the late summer heat, but I'm enjoying the quiet anonymity and solitude of being a pedestrian on a city sidewalk. Since an 'understanding' was hammered out a few nights ago between Kate and I, I've been either at the house working with Cole, hanging out with Mary and Elise, or in Kate's bed. After meeting Kate, my days back have been exhilarating, cathartic and most of all, filled with good memories.
I begin to think about leaving here and going back to my life in San Francisco. I think about what I'll be going back to. A job. My small, impersonal apartment. The city itself. A thought comes to my mind.
I wonder if Kate would come visit me. I then remember the reason she left and dismiss the idea.
This is only a limited time thing anyway, I remind myself,
set to expire the moment I step back on the train. I'm suddenly filled with a bit of sadness as I realize that either way, it's coming to an end soon and I feel I have no say in the matter.
I'm a bit nervous about surprising Kate at her office, but I plan on explaining that I wanted to save her the drive over to pick me up. I slide my backpack off of my shoulder as I enter the building that houses professors' offices. I look for a directory and find Kate's last name, handwritten on a piece of masking tape. I turn to find the stairs when I hear a male voice call my name.
"Sarah?" I turn towards the voice and it takes me a second to place the man.
"Hi Taylor." I say with a smile. He grins and reaches out his hand.
"How are you doing?" He asks with real warmth.
"I'm fine. I was just going to track down Kate." I say. "I thought I'd save her a trip to my house and meet her here." I continue, feeling the need to explain my presence.
"Oh, well, let me walk you up." He says with a big smile now.
"Thanks," I say simply and follow him towards the bank of elevators.
"Been practicing your pool game?" He asks as he pushes the button for the third floor. He turns and I catch his wide smile.
"Unfortunately I haven't had the time." I respond, shifting my backpack off my back again. The middle of my back had been damp with sweat and now it was beginning to get cool in the air-conditioned building. I hope it will dry by the time I reach her office.
"That's what I've heard." Taylor says with a little wink. I blush furiously, wondering just how much Kate confides in Taylor. Fortunately, Taylor turns back to the front of the elevator and I'm left to wonder if he indeed was teasing me. "Kate's says you are pretty good with your hands too," he says and I know he's teasing me. Before I can respond, he continues. "She also says the work you've done at your house is really good." He does turn around to look at me now as the elevator door opens.
I recover quickly from his previous statement and smile at what Kate has told him about the renovation and I briefly wonder what else she's told him about the circumstances surrounding it. "It was my mother's house." I feel the need to clarify. "It needed a lot of work. I'm just glad I could be here to help out my brother." I say as he steps to the side and gestures for me to walk down the hall to the right. He falls in line next to me.
"Well, she was impressed." He says as he guides me around a corner. My mind recalls the day I took her to see the progress on the house. I remember being quite proud to show her my work in the renovated rooms.
"In fact, if you were going to be around a bit longer, she said she'd love to hire you to do her bathroom." He said as he reached a door marked 'Associate Professor' with Kate's last name appearing again in masking tape.
The statement was made casually, but it fills me with a strange kind of hope. Maybe I
could offer to do her bathroom. Just as I began to think of the possibility, a little voice pops into my head.
Why? You gonna win her heart by installing a pedestal sink? She'll look beyond the need to fix you if you can fix her leaky shower head?
I shake off the pessimistic echo as he opens the door and calls to Kate. "Kate, I found this crazy student saying you need to change her grade already!" I hear rustling of papers and then Kate's head pops out of one of the two inner doors in the office. She looks around, a bit confused, until she sees us. Her eyes flick from Taylor and then to me and she cocks her head almost comically.
"Sarah?" She eyes me, her confusion still evident.
"I decided to save you a trip. We are still on for tonight, right? If I'm too early I can go hang out at the library." I ramble quickly.
"Cool. No, I'm glad you are here. Did someone drop you off?" She asks as she still stands in her doorway.
"I walked." I say, shifting my backpack unconsciously.
"Wow. Um. Come on in. Come see the mess that I call my office." Kate says still looking confused. I begin to follow her until I remember Taylor.
"Thanks for the escort." I say, smiling.
"Anytime." He draws out and winks again.
"Leave her alone." Kate playfully admonishes her friend. "Go terrorize some late registrants." She calls as she turns to lead me into her office.
"You know I will!" He calls back as he pulls the outer door shut. We both chuckle as we enter her office.
"Have a seat," she says, gesturing to a worn but comfortable looking office chair. I sit, looking around the office. It is very much like her house, half unpacked boxes, tons of books. I notice two framed pictures propped up on one of the bookshelves of her with what looks like her family some place in Europe. I'm about to ask her about it when I hear her speak.
"I'm almost done here. You want a soda or something?" I look at her and shake my head. Her hair is a bit disheveled, falling out of a sloppy ponytail. She could have easily been mistaken for a student instead of a professor. A memory comes unbidden of her moving on top of me rhythmically, breathlessly not more than twelve hours ago. My grin turns into a bit of a leer and I have to clear my throat to break up the buzz starting in my-
"What?" She asks with amused exasperation as she puts down a paper she was reading and focuses on me.
"Nothing. Just having a little trip down memory lane." I say innocently. She has the good sense to blush. She then opens her desk drawer and tosses a dollar at me.
"Go down to the vending machine by the elevator and get
me a soda then. I can't have you looking at me like that if I want to get out of here anytime soon." She laughs as I stand and shake the legs of my cargo shorts out. I just smile and head out to the hall in search of the soda machine.
"You know, I'm surprised we never ran into each other." She says half an hour later as we are walking to her car.
"Yeah, but with you going to the other high school and being two years older, it isn't that much of a surprise." I reason as I absently take one of the two satchel bags she's carrying. She smiles as I adjust the strap on my shoulder. "What do you have in here, bricks?"
She chuckles. "No, some history books. I'm thinking of adding some of the chapters into the curriculum."
"Oh." I say. "What kind of history do you teach?" I ask as she points me to the right turn in the sidewalk path.
"Right now, U.S. History. It's your basic History for freshman." She answers.
"You sound a bit resigned." I respond.
"Well, I'm low man on the totem pole here, so I got what spot needed to be filled. But I love history, no matter the time period."
"But you do have a favorite." I prod.
"Well, if I had to choose, I would have to say Medieval Europe through the Renaissance. That time period just fascinates me." She says with wistful enthusiasm. "Did you have a favorite subject in school?" She asks, turning her head to look at me as we walk.
"I did like art. My English teacher my junior year was cool too." I say, suddenly feeling a bit embarrassed at only finishing high school. I look at her with a small smile, which she returns.
"Have you ever thought about going back to school?" She asks.
I look down at the ground, remembering the last time someone asked me that. I was at the shelter, a week after having an abortion. The woman who took me had asked me that very same question right before they had to turn me out because they needed the bed.
"I'm sorry if I'm prying." I hear Kate say. She must think I don't want to answer.
"You're not. I was just thinking." I say. I raise my head up and think about her question. "When I left home, school was the last thing on my mind." I pause, shaking off the memories. "I got lucky and was able to apprentice with a welder who could look past my gender after years of shitty jobs. The need to go to school never really materialized after that."
"I suppose not. I bet you probably make more than I do." She says as a matter of fact.
"Perhaps, but you have way more to talk about at parties." I say with a smile. "And I'm sure you'd kick my ass at Jeopardy." I add.
"Well, at least on the history topics." She replies. I smile and am overwhelmed with the desire to take her hand and hold it the rest of the way to the car.
"Do you wanna go on a little road trip with me tomorrow?" I ask suddenly. She turns to me with a mildly intrigued look but says nothing, so I continue. "There's only a few things to do at the house, so I can warrant a bit of a break. You interested?"
"Well, depends on how far and where." She says lightly.
"How about Calico?" I say, remembering the fun I had there as a kid.
What if she thinks it's hokey? I think momentarily until I see her eyes light up.
"I haven't been in years!" She exclaims excitedly. It makes me smile.
Guess not.
"So?"
"I'd love to. Let's make a day of it. We can go tomorrow or Sunday. Bring a lunch... Perhaps take a little day hike through the old mining hills?" She's so excited, it's infectious. I'm nodding my head and smiling stupidly as she launches into a story about going there as a kid. On the way to her house we make plans to drive out sometime in the late afternoon tomorrow.
~~~~
"I can't believe we're going to a ghost town. Like a couple of tourists." Kate laughs as we get onto the highway. It is only a fifteen minute drive and I chuckle with her as I take in the dusty, mine-chopped foothills. I absently list the shades of brown I see: taupe, beige, rust, orange, khaki.
"You know it's gonna be hot, even in the early evening. You sure you want to hike up into the mines?" I ask.
"Why, you no longer accustomed to the heat?" She teases. I let her know that I'll be just fine, I was just giving her a chance to back out.
"As long as we don't run out of water, we'll be fine. I've seen
I Shouldn't be Alive shows on the nature channels... They always forget to bring enough water." She reasons.
"Well, as long as we find a good place to watch the sunset, I'll be happy." I say. One thing I do miss living out here is the desert sunsets.
"Deal." She says. In what seems like no time, we are pulling onto a well-maintained dirt road and parking.
"Oh my... It hasn't changed at all!" Kate exclaims as she grabs my arm pulling me towards the general store. She has one hand on her big floppy straw hat to keep the sun off of her fair skin and she's wearing light khaki cargo shorts that fall just above her knees. She has her light blue long-sleeved shirt rolled up to just below her elbows and I catch the scent of the familiar sunscreen I've always used while working on outdoor jobs. It filled me with a sort of pride when she chucked her own sunscreen into the back seat, opting to use mine instead. I spare a quick grin to myself, reveling in her current jubilant spirit and the feelings she has been evoking since I've met her.
The main road is lined with storefronts and buildings that are a mix of originals and replications. I briefly picture what it must have looked like in the late 1800's with horses and wagons, women in long dresses and miners in threadbare pants and checkered shirts.
"My mom and dad would take me here a couple of times a year. They always let me bring a friend and we'd run around, pretending to be cowboys or miners."
I found myself mesmerized as she told one story after another. She spoke with such fondness and animation, it made me feel as if I'd been there along side her.
After touring the outpost, jail, schoolhouse and apothecary, we stopped at the saloon and played a game of checkers on one of the old tables while sharing a sarsaparilla.
"Now this is what I remember." I say to her as I make my move, taking her last king. She huffed and I looked up at her and laughed. "My mom brought us here a few times. Some of my fondest memories of my time with my brother was playing checkers here. Probably on this very table." I say, looking at it with a bit of nostalgia.
"Oh, yeah?" Kate prompts.
"Yeah, he'd let me win
most of the time." I say with a chuckle. I feel myself slipping into another time, before everything. "You ready to check out the mines?" I ask as I begin collecting the checkers.
"Uh, sure. I'm just going to go to the ladies' room really quick." Kate says as she gets up and circles around behind me, heading to the restroom. Her hand sweeps across my shoulders as she walks by and I smile, warmed at the gesture.
While she is gone, I go and buy a couple of bottled waters and wait by the doors.
"So, which one first?" She asks as she rejoins me.
"I guess we can start at the bottom with the Maggie Mine and then end up at the top to watch the sunset." I say as we start out down the street towards the mines.
"Sounds good. Thanks for the water, by the way." She says as she starts to pull the water bottle out of my hand that is nearest hers. I yank it back playfully.
"Oh, both are mine. I don't want to end up on that show either." I say seriously. She looks at me for a long second and I can no longer hold my face straight. "Okay, you can have one, but know that if I start getting delirious from dehydration, I will overpower you and take it from you."
"I'd like to see you try." She challenges as she switches the water bottle to the other hand, away from me. After a beat, I begin clawing at my throat, rasping and then pawing at her and reaching around her to try and get the water bottle. She begins laughing hysterically. "If that is your best effort, I think I'm safe. And just for being a dork, you get to carry both up the hill."
"Fine. But don't think you're getting it back." I say with feigned indignance.
"We'll see." She says enigmatically.
The trek through the mines was not as treacherous as I'd remembered as a kid and it was actually a lot of fun as we meandered through each small exhibit. We wondered aloud what it would have been like to do this kind of work, waking up each day hoping to make a fortune, but being lucky if you even made enough to feed yourself.
By the time we make it to the mine at the highest elevation, it is nearing sunset and we settle in against a large outcropping that faces west. I sit first, my right arm holding up my torso as I lean on my hip, knees bent. Kate crawls up and sits in front of me, cross-legged facing away from me but pretty close. She had since taken off her long-sleeved shirt and has it tied around her waist. I study the freckles on her shoulders that are visible around her tank top, tempted to run fingertips across them. Instead, I ask her about her coming out story.
"You want to know when I first realized I liked the fairer sex?" She clarified.
"Yes." I say, a small smile on my face.
"Carla Bertini. Tenth grade. Remember the friend I used to bring here with my parents?" She turns around to look at me with a quirk of a smile.
"Don't tell me your first kiss was right here." I say, shifting to sit cross-legged as well behind her, but remaining close by leaning in.
"No, we'd stopped visiting Calico by the time I fell hopelessly in love." She says melodramatically.
"What happened?" I ask, now scooting right up to her back. She leans back into me and I wrap a hand around her bicep, gently stroking it up and down. She sighs contentedly and continues.
"Well, I suppose it is the same as a lot of coming out stories. We got drunk, or at least she did, and made out. Next day, we were no longer friends."
I squeeze her arm in sympathy and my thoughts turn to Jamie briefly, wondering what would have happened if we hadn't been caught.
"I was heartbroken for a while, but then I got over it." She says wistfully. "But there was no going back for me." She turns her head towards me and looks at me for a few seconds. I am unable to read her expression and want to ask her what she's thinking, but I don't. I'm afraid it will break the spell we seem to be under. Right now, I can imagine we are like any other couple at the first stages of a relationship. But I know that is not the case with us.
I break eye contact and look out at the setting sun. I feel her still looking at me as if she wants to ask something, but then the moment is gone as she too turns to watch the sun set. It throws the foothills into a brilliant display of reds, yellows and browns. The lines of the buildings below are outlined in sharp, glowing colors and I suddenly regret not bringing a camera. We watch until the sun is almost all the way below the horizon.
"We better get going before we can't find our way back down." She says with a hint of reluctance. I almost tell her we don't have to worry because the moon is full, but now that the spell seems to be broken anyway, I nod and stand, helping her up and picking up the almost empty water bottles.
"Come back to my house?" She asks as we near the car. I'd like nothing more than to do that, but something holds me back. It is the want of something more. After what I felt today, it is no longer good enough just to share Kate's bed. I know I can't tell her, and I know I can't pretend like it doesn't matter. Not tonight.
"I'd like to, but I have to be at the house really early." I say with resignation in my voice.
"Oh. Okay. I'll drop you at your brother's then." She says, obviously surprised at my reply.
The short drive back is mostly silent and I can't help but wonder what she's thinking. But I don't ask.
Chapter 6
"I think we are done." I say to Cole who is just coming in from mowing the backyard. He wipes his brow and looks around as he stands just inside the threshold of the back door.
"It looks really good, Sarah." He says, nodding slowly. We do a walk-through, making sure we haven't left any tools. In the two and a half weeks I've been here and with the help of some of Cole's friends, we've redone all of the flooring and have updated the kitchen and bathrooms with fixtures and appliances, and repainted the inside and outside of the house.
All that's left to do is put it up for sale. My thoughts turn to Kate and the fact that we have a meeting with the real estate agent that she set us up with tomorrow and then I'll be leaving the day after that.
"You ready?" He asks grabbing up his tool belt. I nod and gather the rest of the tools and we head out the door.
"You seeing Kate tonight?" He asks as we walk down the cracked sidewalk to his house. Kate had called me this morning after I'd gone all day yesterday without calling her and asked me if anything was wrong. She sounded genuinely concerned. I didn't have the guts to be honest and I didn't have the heart to say I couldn't see her anymore.
"Yeah."
"Why don't you have her over for dinner? Mary and Elise are interested in meeting her." Cole says casually.
"Did you tell them the whole story?" I ask.
"Well, they know you aren't over there playing Monopoly." He says with a quirky grin. I slap him softly on the shoulder.
"Lovely." I deadpan. He chuckles. "Well, if they are cool with it, what could it hurt?" I say and we continue on in silence for a few seconds.
"Tell me about her." He says suddenly. I haven't really talked about her except to tell him when I'm seeing her.
"She's cute." I turn and grin and he grins back. "Very sweet but with a wicked sense of humor. She's very smart. Has lots of general knowledge." I explain.
"I hope so, being that she teaches and all." Cole responds. I don't remember telling him that. He senses my confusion and explains. "Elise recognized her name from the phone message as one of the history professors at school when she was registering for classes."
"Oh. She'll have her in the fall?" I ask, suddenly a bit nervous.
"Sounds like it. Don't worry about it though. She thinks its cool. Her aunt dating her teacher." He says brightly.
"We aren't dating." I say somewhat sharply. He sobers a bit.
"Oh. Sorry. What do, um, lesbians... call it then?" He asks in such a way it makes me laugh.
"Well, I suppose when lesbians go out with the intention of being together it is called dating. Kate and I are just..." I trail off. There's no word I can think of for what Kate and I are doing that I can relay to my brother. But I do know our days together have been some of the best I've had and they are drawing to a close, whether I like it or not.
"Oh.. I get it. Friends with benefits." Cole says sagely after a moment, bringing my attention back to him. I give him a long look.
"You've been listening to your daughter talk on the phone, haven't you?" I ask, watching his rather clever expression turn contrite in a matter of seconds.
"Maybe."
"Maybe, my ass. Either that or you're watching MTV." I quip. "But I guess that is an accurate way of describing it." I acknowledge.
"You think Kate will be okay with it?" He asks.
"Dating the aunt of a student?" I ask.
"I thought you weren't dating." He responds quickly with a wry grin.
I give him a look. "Right. Well, I'll see what she thinks."
"And you'll ask her over for dinner tonight?" He asks hopefully.
"Sure, why not." I respond.
"Good." Cole says with rather emphatic delight.
"You that excited to meet her?" I ask, looking at him curiously.
"Well, yeah. She seems good for you. You seem... less sad after seeing her." He states simply.
I smile, knowing that it is the truth and touched that he notices that. "She has been good for me. In the very short time I've known her, she's helped me, you know. I don't dwell on stuff when I'm with her." I say, knowing he understands what I mean.
"Have you told her about your past? Why you left here?" He asks.
"Not the details, no." I respond. He looks at me and I know he's expecting an explanation. When I don't give one, he turns his attention back to the sidewalk unperturbed.
"What are we having tonight anyway?" I ask, trying to inject casualness back into our conversation.
"Uh, good question. Kate isn't a vegetarian is she?" He asks, somewhat alarmed.
"What if she was and Mary made her unbelievable meatloaf tonight?"
"You think Mary's meatloaf is unbelievable?" He asks, totally ignoring my hypothetical question.
"You forget that I live on frozen dinners. Anything home-cooked is unbelievable to me."
"I suppose." He says, not believing me at all. "So, is she a vegetarian?" He asks again and I just chuckle.
~~~~
"So, you want me to meet the family?" Kate asks neutrally as she takes a seat next to me on the couch. I accept the beer from her and nod my head.
"Uh, Cole, my brother, just asked if you wanted to come over for dinner tonight." I explain dumbly. I hadn't thought she wouldn't want to come over.
"Well, I was hoping to have you all to myself tonight, but if they want me to come over, I could." She says as if still pondering the idea.
"Mary is a great cook, and you'll actually get to meet one of your future students." As the idea takes hold, I become more excited than nervous at the prospect of her meeting my family.
She looks at me quizzically. "A future student?"
"Yeah, my niece, Elise. Very sweet girl." I say as I sip my beer.
"Oh." She says and sits back on the couch. I look back at her.
"Does that weird you out?" I ask.
"No. Should it?" She says a bit absently. She then turns her full attention to me. "Do they know about ... us?"
"In a fashion, I guess. Cole knows. Mary and Elise aren't dumb."
"Oh." She says again and pauses at the end of the couch.
"They are cool, Kate, really." I say as I push to the edge of the couch as well.
"Okay. What time do they want us over?" She asks as she gives me small smile and squeezes my thigh lightly.
"I'll give them a call." I say, returning her smile as I get up to use her phone in the kitchen.
~~~~
"Mary, Elise, this is Kate." I say by way of introduction as Kate and I are met at the door.
"It's a pleasure to meet you." Mary says brightly as she holds her hand out.
"Pleasure to meet you too. And this must be my future student?" Kate inquires with a smile as she takes Elise's hand next.
"Yes, Ma'am." Elise says, shaking Kate's hand with youthful vigor. "History is one of my favorite subjects." She continues with a big smile.
"Good. It's mine too." Kate responds matter-of-factly and we all share a laugh.
I hear Cole's socked feet coming down the stairs and I look up to him and smile. He returns my smile as he glances at Kate and back to me, giving me a quick wink. "And this is my brother Cole. Cole, Kate."
"I've heard a lot about you, Kate. Thanks again for the realtor referral too." Cole says casually as he reaches out his hand.
Kate dips her head slightly as she shakes his hand. "You're welcome. Glad I could help." She says sincerely.
With introductions out of the way, we make our way into the living room and have a seat while Mary and Elise finish getting dinner ready.
"Sarah showed me the house, it looks great." Kate says to Cole after a few seconds of silence.
"Well, I'd accept the compliment, but Sarah did most of the work." Cole says warmly and looks my way. I smile back at him.
"Only because you have a full-time job. I'd still be working if you hadn't come in and helped." I offer back.
"Well, you guys seem to make a good team." Kate says. I'm touched by the observation and I can tell my brother is too.
"Dinner's ready." Elise announces from the dining room. The three of us get up and I direct Kate to the downstairs bathroom so she can wash up and Cole and I make our way to the kitchen.
"She seems pretty sweet." Cole observes. "And you are right. She's very cute." He adds.
"I heard that, married old man." Mary quips as she snaps him with a dishtowel.
"I may be married and old, but I ain't blind." He says as he dances out of the way of the second strike. It is a rare playful moment between the two and Elise and I look on, smiling.
"Something smells great." I hear Kate say from the entryway. I motion her to the seat next to me and the first few minutes of the meal are filled with small talk and clinking of dishes and utensils as we serve ourselves helpings of meatloaf, potatoes, salad and rolls.
"Wow, this meatloaf is unbelievable, Mary." Kate says after a bite. I look up at Cole and stick out my tongue. He just shakes his head, smiling.
"Why, thank you, Kate." Mary says, blushing at the unexpected compliment.
"If you don't mind sharing the recipe, I'd love to have it." Kate continues. I see Mary beam with pride as she says she will be happy to write it out for her. I look to Cole whose earlier rueful smile has turned into a warm one.
Dinner then turns to talk of the upcoming school year and soon Elise and Kate are engrossed in talk of all things history and Elise peppering her with all kinds of questions on the curriculum and what to expect.
Listening to their exchange, I begin to feel a new appreciation for Kate. I'm getting a glimpse of what kind of teacher she must be and it makes me proud to be associated with her. I feel eyes on me, and turn to see that Cole is watching me as I watch Kate. He smiles at me and I give a little smile back, knowing I was caught out.
As I volunteer to help clean up, Elise drags Kate into the living room to further grill Kate on her curriculum. I look at Kate to see if she needs rescuing, but she just gives me a quick smile and gestures to me that she's fine. I smile back and mouth, 'we'll leave soon.' Her smile grows wider as she gives me a wink.
"So, you staying over at Kate's tonight?" Mary asks as I bring in some plates from the table. The question surprises me.
"Um, yes, I think so. Is that okay?" I ask, feeling more like a daughter than sister-in-law.
"You don't have to ask permission, silly." She chuckles. For a few minutes we work in silence, her rinsing off, me loading the dishwasher. "She seems very sweet, Sarah. It's a shame you aren't staying here." She says and I see by the look in her eyes, her statement goes beyond Kate.
"Yeah, I know. I've got my job, though, my apartment..." I trail off, wondering for the first time, why I can't just stay. Maybe it's time to stop letting ghosts from my past haunt my every move.
"Well, if you ever change your mind..." I hear Mary saying as she touches my forearm. Her face quirks into a grin. "Now go on and get out of here. Don't forget the realtor appointment in the morning."
I give her my own lopsided grin. "Thanks." I say pointedly, squeezing her hand that is still resting on my forearm.
"Your family is really great, Sarah. I can't wait to have Elise in class. She's going to do very well." Kate favors me with a sweet smile as she pulls out into traffic and towards her house.
We didn't even discuss me staying at her house tonight. I simply went upstairs, packed a bag and met her at the door as she was saying her thanks.
"Is there anything you want to do on our last night?" Kate asks on our way to her house, her provocative grin lost on me at the surprising news.
"I'm not leaving until the day after tomorrow." I state dumbly, figuring we had two more nights together.
"I know. You've kept me so occupied I had forgotten that the annual staff retreat starts tomorrow. Being new, I can't afford to miss the first night."
"Oh. Of course." I say, trying to keep the hurt out of my voice. I know I am unsuccessful. This news crushes me. I thought we'd have two more nights.
"Hey," she calls to me, but I'm not ready to let go of my self-pity. She cautions a quick look at me and then grabs my hand. When I still don't look her way, she lets go of my hand and gently grasps my chin and turns it toward her as we stop at a light. "Don't." She says gently. "Please." Something in her voice pulls me out of my funk and my eyes turn to hers. "I don't want our last night to be like this. If I could change it, I would, but I can't. Don't punish me, please."
Her words punch through my heart. I know it isn't the first or even the thirtieth time she's uttered that last sentence. I feel shame at making her utter it to me and regret for reminding her of who she used to say that sentence to.
"I'm sorry..." I start, but she interrupts.
"Don't say that word unless you mean it." She says firmly.
I nod. "I mean it. I was being shitty." I say sincerely and look into her eyes until I see that she believes me. She wants to spend this night with me, even though I'm sure she has a lot to do to get ready for her trip. "Now, as for your question on what I'd like to do for our last night? I'd like to make you scream out my name repeatedly until I have to leave tomorrow for that appointment with your realtor friend."
She looks at me in disbelief at first and then sees that I'm not joking. "Boy, you weren't kidding about making up for lost time." She smiles widely and grabs my hand again.
It's three a.m. and I'm lying with my naked chest pressed against Kate's back. I took pity on her only half an hour ago when she said if she had one more orgasm, she would truly pass out. In the last three hours I have been making up for 16 long years of celibacy and trying to convey a proper goodbye to the best chance at a relationship I would probably ever have. I guess I can't blame her for throwing in the towel.
In the middle of it all, during a moment of vulnerability and hope, I asked if she would come and visit me. Her answer was a hard kiss, a sad smile and fingers sliding deep into my wetness. I should have pressed, but I think I would have ended up taking a midnight cab ride back to my brother's. It is with no small amount of irony that I realize I damn
her past for the lessons she's learned from it.
I tighten my hold around her as I hear her breathing even out and deepen, savoring these last few moments with her. I had every intention of being here when she woke up, but now I fear I will make a fool of myself when it comes time for me to leave. Not many things are more awkward than two people saying goodbye when one is ready to and the other one isn't.
Finally, I kiss her shoulder softly and slip out of bed. The dogs sleepily acknowledge my movements as I get dressed in the faint full moonlight that breaks through the closed blinds.
I pad my way to the kitchen and pull out the yellow legal pad that sits under the phone and a pen from her USF mug. I stare at the pad for a good ten minutes, then I begin to write.
Kate,
I want you to know that I absolutely dreaded coming back to this town and reopening old wounds, but between reconnecting with my brother and his family and meeting you, the last couple of weeks have been the best of my life. Being with you has helped me see what I could have. It gives me hope. I'm more than just a person in pain, and you're more than a person who is doomed to repeat their mistakes. If you can ever find it in yourself to see that, please give me a call.
Sarah
I add my phone number and address and slide the folded sheet of paper under her keys and wallet and let myself out, locking the bottom lock behind me. I step away from the front door and call a cab.
I don't want to go back to my brother's and risk waking anyone up. I decide to go to my mother's house, knowing I left a key under the mat. As I let myself in, the smell of carpet glue and new paint assail my sinuses. There is not a single item left in the house to recall memories and I am thankful. I wander from room to room, flipping lights on and off as I go, inspecting every corner, every wall, every fixture for flaws. I find none.
I end up in my mother's room, staring down at the new carpet. I close my eyes tightly and replay the last two and a half weeks. Recalling my state of mind as I stepped off the train is like experiencing the memories of someone else. I came here broken and haunted thinking that the only thing that could save me was finding out why. If I knew why these things happened, I could be set free from the pain. When I couldn't have that, I searched desperately for closure. But somewhere between packing up my dead mother's clothes and holding a sleeping, sated Kate, I realized that closure is a myth and that there is no explanation that will ease the pain of the past. I think only the attention to the present and the opportunities presented for a future can do that.
As a result of this revelation, for the first time in a long time, I feel a sense of purpose. Here I am, in the middle of the room where my mother committed suicide, feeling as hopeful as I've ever felt. And happy too. I think back to what Kate said about her ex not being able to bear the burden of happiness. I understand exactly what she meant by that now. I simply have to let go of my pain, no matter how much I've relied on it as an excuse from living a full life. That is exactly what I've been doing, up until now. It was just easier to live on my own so I wouldn't have to deal with anything I didn't want to. Now, I feel that I'm finally ready to move past it and get myself right, if only to make myself worthy of someone else. I have to start somewhere, right?
How I wish I could speak to Kate right now about this. However, I know in my heart, that she isn't ready to listen.
I feel the lack of sleep and intense introspection take its toll on my consciousness. I rack my brain for an idea on where to sleep and then remember the chaise lounge out in the backyard.
The warm night air is all I need for a blanket as I settle on the worn but comfortable lawn furniture. I fall asleep in seconds.
Continued...