~ The Fifth Amendment ~
Part 1a
by Mezzo and godconnie
Disclaimer: All characters from Xena: Warrior Princess are property of StudiosUSA and probably many other people who aren't us. This is an alternative fan fiction--Gabrielle and Xena are in love with no apologies.
Survivor is property of CBS and Mark Burnett. We have borrowed characters, both fictional and real. (and honestly, are any of the characters from Survivor 'real?' or are they figments of Mark Burnett and his editor's imagination?) from these television shows and, because this is a parody, we may not have always treated them kindly, but we truly wish no one involved any harm. This is a non-profit piece of fiction.
P.S. Mark Burnett may have been born in England, but he is an Aussie in this story. If that offends him... Sorry, mate.
Thanks to everyone at the Tavern Wall for their inspiration. Thanks to Nance, Tino and Elka for beta reading.
e-mail for Mezzo is vkellyian@compuserve.com. E-mail for godconnie is ariesscorpio@yahoo.com
The Fifth Amendment
Part 1a
By Mezzo and godconnie
Our story takes place during the summer of the year 2000. The much-despised fifth season of the television show, Xena: Warrior Princess, has just ended while the first season of the much anticipated television show, Survivor, has hit high gear. (Click here for cast bios.)
Greg, the wandering waif, was now a memory, voted off of the island by a majority of his castmates the night before. College student Colleen was picking up some driftwood for the fire. Rudy, the gruff but surly senior citizen, and Rich, the openly gay corporate trainer, were discussing the state of queers in America while they rubbed lotion on each others backs. Truck driver Soozin was flexing her mighty shoulders while emotionally charged mother of two, Jenna, angled her butt for the camera.
Gotta practice for my Playboy shoot, thought Jenna. After all, it got her on the cover of Time.
Colleen may have the lips, she mused, but I've got the...well, OK, Colleen even has the ass…and those dreamy eyes... Strange, loud noises pulled Jenna from her back-seat-of-the-Suzuki reverie.
She and the other Survivors heard screaming from all around them. No, it was more like hollering, really and it seemed to be coming from above them.
Soozin looked up at the clear, blue, tropical sky.
"Looks like something's fahhhhllin from up there, eh?" commented the truck driver to no one in particular.
"Probably a bunch o' queers," groused Rudy, his weathered skin soft and supple from Rich's gentle kneading.
Jenna's upper lip trembled. Attention was being drawn away from her. She burst into tears. "My babies, my babies, I miss them so!"
The camera guy trained his lens on two figures hurtling toward the island at a frightening speed. There was a large thud. Jenna flinched and cried some more. Soozin continued to squint. Richard took his shorts off.
The cameraman ignored Jenna's plea for attention, since it didn't involve her butt, and trained his camera on two figures hurtling from the sky at a frightening speed. The figures hit the island with a large, dusty thud. Jenna flinched and cried some more. Soozin squinted at the vision before them. Richard took his shorts off.
"NOOOOO!" screamed the Survivors in unison. Rich scowled but pulled his shorts back on.
Two people lay on the beach, a plume of dust rising up around them from the impact of their fall, thankfully shielding the newcomers from Richard's brief attempt at nudity. One was a small, compact blonde, the other a tall, black-haired woman.
Or maybe a drag queen, mused Richard, eyeing the brunette's striking and flashy copper armor as he slinked up to the blonde.
"What's your name, stranger?" Rich said as he pulled the fair-haired sky-faller up out of the sand. The corpulent consultant began brushing the coarse soil off the stranger's butt. Hmmmm. Firm as rock, thought Rich who had been on the island with a bunch of mostly straight folks for waaaay too long.
The flaxen-haired foreigner, still reeling from the concussive impact, was too stunned to respond to Rich's invasive behavior.
He spun the stranger around quickly, brushing sand off the blonde's chest. Oooh, and his breasts are almost as big as my manly he-breasts! What a catch! he thought excitedly.
Rich decided it was time for his infamous victory dance.
"Don't look!" warned the rest of the Survivors in terrified unison, as they shielded their eyes from his calamitous choreography.
"All right, fine then," said Rich stopping mid jiggle. "I'll wait until later," he winked at the recovering blonde.
The raven-haired woman had risen slowly, shaking her head in an attempt to get her bearings. She had no idea what had just happened to her but she was absolutely certain that she wanted to disembowel the man who had been pawing her partner.
The utterly confused and irritated blonde looked to her dark companion. "Where are we, Xena?"
"Of course! It's Xena and Gabrielle!" said adorable Colleen. "The Warrior Princess and the Battling Bard! Wow, like, we must be in the middle of a fan fiction! Cool!"
"You mean dem dere lesbians from dat dere lesbian TV show?!" said Rudy. "Dat show's a pain in my ass." He stood still, glaring at Xena and Gabrielle with his steely gray, eagle eyes.
Soozin pulled her Bowie knife out and began combing the rats' nest that was her hair. Four rats hit the ground, scampering frantically down the beachline.
"Soylent green! Soylent green!" they screamed in little rat voices.
"Am I the only one who heard that obscure movie reference?" asked the less-than-intellectual med student, Sean.
With self-preservation foremost in her mind, Soozin eyed Xena.
"Listen, I'm the butchest gal on the island even if I haven't ever won an immunity or reward challenge. And there ain't room here for the two of us."
The Warrior Princess gazed at Soozin with a fierceness that would cause a septuagenarian Navy Seal to soil his Depends undergarments if it were directed at him.
"Aw hell," croaked Rudy, glad he had his Depends on just in case, "I ain't gonna stand here 'n' watch a pissin' contest 'tween dese two dykes! I'm goin' back to da kitchen ta cook some more rice!" Limping back to camp, he grumbled over his shoulder, "And dere ain't enough ta feed dese two broads, so dey gotta fend fer demselves!"
"Ya, that's right, Xener! There ain't no room for you an' Blondie at the Rattana Inn! And there ain't no room in the alliance neither!" Soozin sucked in her gut and thrust out her A-cups in beautiful backwoods defiance.
Sean's eyebrows arched slightly skyward as if the Oompa Loompa's in his head had actually pushed the START button on his brain. "Alliance? What alliance?"
"Paging Dr. Dickweed!" Colleen said mockingly. "They're picking us off, one by one!"
"Who are THEY, Colleen Sean asked, making a mental note that Colleen's name began with a 'k.'
Colleen gestured wildly toward Soozin, Rich, Kelly, and Rudy. "Them,
Medicine Man Handler!"
"Naw..." drawled Sean.
"That's not what Soozin said anyway," chirped the street-wise Kelly. "She said there was no room for Xena and Gabrielle in THE LIONS. 'Cause THE LIONS have already been fed."
Sean looked cockily at Colleen. "See!" he said. "There's no alliance!"
"Sean..." Colleen sighed. "Never mind. You probably don't even know what 'alliance' means in the first place."
Gabrielle laughed, turning to Xena. "I get it! I get it! This is another one of Ares' tests! He put us on this island with these morons to see if we'll snap."
She then directed her words toward Soozin. "Well, it's not going to work, God of War!" The bard grabbed Soozin by her mass of unruly curls and yanked…hard. "Come on out, Ares. I know you're in there!"
"Ow!" Soozin yelped as she pulled away from Gabrielle. Another large rat tumbled from her tresses.
"Get your hands off me, you damn dirty apes!" the rodent cried as he scurried away.
"You seriously didn't hear that rat say anything?" Sean queried.
I'd eat another rat," thought Jenna, If it meant I'd get a 15-second-prime-spot on Entertainment Tonight.
Xena cleared her throat. The Survivor cast froze with fear.
"First of all," she spoke to her pissed off partner. "Ares is mortal now, so I hardly think he has anything to do with this."
"I wouldn't put anything past that manipulative bastard," the Amazon grumbled.
"Gabrielle..." Xena said softly. "My skin is crawling in a different kind of way. Not in the Ares kind of way."
"He's still a sonofabacchae."
"I'll grant you that." Xena smiled, causing Gabrielle to relax a bit.
"Then how do you explain this, Xena?" The bard asked sincerely.
Xena turned her attention to the motley crew surrounding them. "Could one of you tell us where we are?"
"The mighty Warrior Princess is lost!" scoffed Soozin who walked over to Kelly. "I guess she ain't all that!"
The trucker and the river guide/fugitive chuckled like jaded cheerleaders from Satan's School for Girls. As the two allies/enemies laughed, Gabrielle noticed Kelly's silver stud.
"What's that on your tongue?" she asked innocently.
"What?" Kelly paused. "You mean this?" She stuck out her tongue and wiggled it suggestively.
"Ya!" Soozin chortled. "I'll bet ol' Gabrielle'd like a piece o' that!"
Kelly rolled her tongue again. "They don't call her Wigglesworth for
nothin', ya know!" Soozin said proudly, hopefully.
Gabrielle crinkled her nose in disgust as Soozin and Kelly embraced in purely platonic, evil glee.
"Just ignore them, Gabe." Rich comforted. "I know exactly what a pretty young stud like you needs..." Just then, bells began to ring as two neon arrows magically appeared in the air and pointed at Rich's crotch. The mirage disappeared as one pissed off Warrior Princess strode over and slammed the pinch on Rich. The chubby chump fell to his knees and gasped for air.
"I've just cut off the flow of blood to your brain," warned Xena.
"Awesome!" Colleen squealed with delight. "Rich is gonna die!"
"Hey! I'm a brain surgeon!" Sean announced. "Maybe I can help!"
A passing rat gasped in disbelief and terror at the thought.
Xena placed her mouth just inches from Richard's ear. "Tell me where we are or you'll be dead in 30 seconds."
Colleen did her own funky version of the victory dance. "Go Xena! Go Xena!" she chanted repeatedly to herself.
A solitary bead of sweat rolled from Rich's temple, down his neck and over his jiggling he-breasts. "Okay! I'll tell you! Just fix it so there's feeling in my groin area again!"
"Xena, maybe you should let him go," Gabrielle said, speaking gently to the warrior. "He's obviously clueless."
Xena released the pinch with a growl.
"Darn. Fun's over," sighed cuddly Colleen.
"Gabe," sniffled Rich, "You love me, you really love me!"
Xena snorted and hoisted chubuwubba Rich from the ground. "Tell me where we are!" she threatened, shaking the consultant like a rag doll.
"You're on an island with us, the remaining Survivors. We're playing a game and whomever's the last person left on the island wins lots of money," gasped Richard.
Just then the Survivors, Xena and Gabrielle heard more hollering from the sky. They looked up to see two more figures plummeting to earth.
"We need a new way to have people enter the scene," mused Colleen as the two bodies crashed into the beach.
"It's....Joxer?" queried Gabrielle, recognizing one of the figures.
"I thought they fahhnally killed him off," said Soozin.
"Gab!" Joxer exclaimed, dusting the sand off his pants.
"Who's Joxer?" said Jenna, eyeing the oddly dressed man warily.
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh," Joxer began to sing, "I'm Joxer the Mighty...."
"Noooooooo!" screamed Xena and Gabrielle together, causing a gaggle of birds to leave their perches in the trees and the poisonous snakes to stream lemming-like into the ocean.
Joxer stopped his singing as his eyes found Jenna. The bumbling warrior wannabe ambled up to her. "Joxer the Mighty," he took her hand in his. "At your service." Jenna managed to remove her trembling, weathered paw before his slippery lips reached her strangely discolored skin.
The second man who fell from the sky groggily climbed off the ground. He was tall and dressed in khaki with a fishing cap topping his unruly, red hair. The man looked around in confusion until his eyes rested upon Xena.
"Lucy!" he said to Xena. "What's going on?"
"Double kewl, it's Rob Tapert, executive producer of Xena: Warrior Princess," laughed Colleen. "The power that beeeee."
A concerned Rob ran over to the Warrior Princess. "Are you all right, honey?"
"Honey?" Gabrielle questioned.
"Do I know you?" Xena asked Tapert.
"Very funny," he smiled and leaned over to give her an affectionate peck on the cheek.
As Gabrielle reached down for her deadly sais, Xena halted Tapert with one powerful hand to his shoulder. "Are you suicidal?"
"Aw, don't tell me Ren's method acting is rubbing off on you!" he whined.
"I have no idea what you're talking about, but if you ever get that close to me again, my friend," she nodded to Gabrielle, "Will be rubbing your blood off of her weapon... Got it, Red?"
Rob blanched at Lucy's harsh words. She had a look in her eyes that he had never seen before. It was almost as if she believed what she was saying. He gulped down his fear. Lucy must have hit her head in the fall, he thought to himself. Better play along. Out loud, he said, "Uh, yeah... Sorry... Xena."
Quirky Colleen hopped over to the rusty-haired television exec. "Mr. T! Dude! Can I call you Mr. T?!"
Tapert raised an appreciative eyebrow after giving the young co-ed a quick once-over, hoping that his wife hadn't noticed. She'd make a great scantily clad, dancing-under-the-waterfall Amazon, he sighed inwardly.
Colleen waved her hand in front of Tapert's glazed eyes. "T-Dude, back on track. Listen, "I think we're in the middle of a fanfic story. You know, like on the Internet," she informed.
"The Internet?!" the executive roared. "Those hardcore nutballs are a pain in my ass!"
Colleen scrunched up her nose and looked deeply into his eyes. "Rudy?" she asked, unsure.
Gabrielle, overhearing the man's outburst, approached the two of them. "Ares?" she prodded Tapert's chest with the tip of a sai.
"Stop it, Renee! That tickles!" he giggled. She jabbed him hard. "Ouch!" he flinched. "What has gotten into you?"
"Dude..." Colleen interjected. "Don't go all Sean on us! It's like I'm trying to tell you... That's not Renee. That's Gabrielle!"
"Rene… Gabriel..." A gender-confused Rich mused dreamily. "A pansy by any other name would still smell as sweet." The consultant batted his long, luxurious eyebrows at the seething Bard.
"I don't like this Tapert guy, Xena!" Gabrielle informed her companion. "I'm getting a really bad vibe from him."
"Yeah, well, you should have been stuck in that time vortex thingy with him," Joxer motioned to the sky from whence he came. "Talk about too close for comfort! I hope that was a banana in your pocket!" He smirked at Mr. T.
"I'll have you to know that it's a Pocket Fisherman! Thank you very much!" the redhead said defensively.
"Oooh... No way! Ya got a fishin' pole on ya's somewheres?" drawled Soozin. "Does that mean ya know how ta fish?"
Rich gave a frightened, inward squeal at this news. He was the fisher on the island...it was what made him King of the Alliance--that and his pact with the Island Devil-God (aka Mark Burnett). This Tapert guy was cutting in on his territory. Time for him to go, plotted the fiendish consultant.
"I love fishing!" Tapert proclaimed. "Right, hon..." he stopped when he noticed that Xena was busy removing a stray eyelash from Gabrielle's cheek. There was a gentleness in the warrior's touch that he could not stand to witness.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! I TOLD YOU, NO MORE TOUCHING!!!"
In a flash, Xena reached out and grabbed him by the throat. "Is it okay if I touch this?!" she said with deadly calmness.
Sean turned to a nearby camera and said, "I think this Xena lady is a real nice girl. I'm glad her name starts with a 'Z'. That puts her at the....uh.......end of the alphabet, right?" Sean gave a goofy smile. "That'll give me more time to get to know her and talk her into sleeping with me before I vote her off the island."
A passing rat shook its head at Sean, "Damn stupid ape."
"Could you..." *wheeze* "...maybe just..." *wheeze* "...loosen your grip?" squeaked Tapert.
"Xena..." Gabrielle started.
"I know! I know!" the warrior released her grasp on the crimson faced man. "Killing him won't help us figure out what's going on."
"Actually," the Amazon stated matter-of-factly. "I was going to suggest that you squeeze harder."
A confused Xena furrowed her brow in disbelief. The petite blonde powerhouse paused for dramatic effect then broke into an ornery smile.
"Gab - ri- elle..." Xena warned affectionately, resting her hand on the bard's shoulder. Tapert's heart leapt to his throat at the sight of such intimacy, but he wisely kept his disapproving comments to himself. For now.
"Grub's on!" the grizzled ex-sailor, Rudy, bellowed from camp.
Gervase, who had been sleeping soundly in his hammock for 26 straight hours, arose and mumbled, "I'm not eating any more bugs, man!"
"That ain't what I said!" bitched Rudy. "Ya lazy bastard!" he grumbled under his breath.
Back at the beach, Soozin studied her two new rivals. "I hate to break up your little lovefest," she said as Xena squeezed Gabrielle's shoulder, then removed her hand. "But the gang's gotta go have their daily portion of rice or somethin'." She looked at the other survivors. "Let's go, guys! Gervase is probably trying to sweet talk the old man into dividin' up our portions!"
"Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!" Richard bellowed and ran in slow motion, loose belly skin bouncing in time to the theme from Chariots of Fire, which inexplicably filled the air and then faded away as he left their sight.
"I think I heard one time that rice is brain food..." Sean told Soo as they headed toward camp with Kelly. "I didn't even know that brains could eat!"
"He did not just say that, did he?" a remaining hair rat murmured in Soozin's ear, causing the truck driver to chuckle to herself.
A teary-eyed Jenna apologized to the newcomers. "I'm so sorry. They're all so mean," she hiccupped back a sob. "I could share my rice with you if you'd like."
"That's very kind of you," said Xena. "But you look like you need the rice more than we do. Go on."
A solitary tear rolled down Jenna's cheek as she lowered her head and set out for her meal.
"Don't mind Jenna." Colleen informed them. "She's just real emotional and stuff."
"I guess I'll have to have a talk with her later," sighed the warrior.
"Why you?" asked the bard.
"Because I do the sensitive chats." Xena replied.
"Oh yeah..." Gabrielle thought about this for a moment. "When exactly did that happen, Xena? I mean, I used to be the sensitive one."
"Yes, but then you became a killing machine, remember? Someone had to fill the void..."
"But I only started killing to protect you and our baby..."
Tapert cleared his throat. He could stay quiet no longer. "Xena's baby," he corrected.
"Excuse me?" asked the surprised bard.
"The baby was Xena's, not yours." Tapert explained. "There's no sharing of the babies."
"Ay yi yi!" Colleen knew where this was going.
"You see, Gabrielle," Tapert continued. "Hope, the evil harbinger of darkness, was your daughter. Xena never laid claim to her, nor should she. Hope has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you, the disposable sidekick. Xena is the hero. Her daughter, Eve, is the bringer of peace and light. You have no right to consider Eve your child."
As the word child left Tapert's lips, the island surroundings came to a grinding halt. Time stood still. All living things ceased to move. Well, all living things except Colleen and the paunch around Rich's gut.
"Whoa!!!" Colleen said as she studied the still world around her. "Don't eat the brown rice, man..." She giggled when she saw a dolphin caught in mid-air over the motionless ocean.
"What are you laughing at, little girl?" said a harsh female voice from behind.
Colleen whirled around only to find herself face to face with the evil shamaness known as Alti.
"My..." The hag caressed the startled castaway's soft, supple cheek. "Aren't you a pretty one?"
"Wha... What are you doing here?" stammered Colleen.
Alti's eyes roamed down to Colleen's perky breasts. She pursed her lips in naughty contemplation. "Let's just say that I'm here to insure that you..." her raccoon eyes met big doe eyes. "...don't let Tapert get the upper hand here."
"Wh... Wh... Why do you care about Tapert?"
"Because he tried to do away with all lesbian innuendo in the Fifth Season and what is Alti without lesbian innuendo?"
"A merciless shrew?" Colleen gulped, awaiting her punishment.
Alti reared her head backwards and let out a thunderous laugh.
"Goodness, you're a charmer! Have you ever considered being an apprentice?"
"An apprentice? To what?"
"Oh, I don't know... Maybe to a tall, dark, handsome shamaness?"
"Uh... heh-heh," Colleen inched away from the imposing woman. "I'm real flattered and all, but I'm thinkin' I'm gonna be pretty busy for awhile after getting off of this island. Gotta play the part of America's Sweetheart for a month or two and then make a couple walk-on appearances on some cheesy sitcoms; maybe get a job with MTV; pose for a couple magazines... I got a lot on my plate right now. Thanks for asking, though."
Alti scowled as only Alti could. "Very well then. Back to the problem at hand." Looking around at the statue-like forms of Xena, Gabrielle, Tapert and Joxer, she said, "You have one hour to make things right."
"An hour?!" yelped Colleen. "I don't even..." She looked back and forth between the smirking Tapert and the clenched teeth of Gabrielle. "Um... Could you do me a favor? Could you make the water move again? Please?"
"If you insist." Alti flicked her wrist and the ocean came to life.
"Thanks!"
Colleen wrapped her arms around Tapert's chest and dragged him to a nearby raft where she rested his stiff, freckled body. After pulling the raft to sea, she hopped on and paddled to a remote, and strangely alive, part of the island. It took some effort, but the sweaty sweetie managed to get Tapert into a deep, dark cave. Paddling furiously, she made it back to the main island, hoping she'd be able to bargain for more time. To her surprise, Rattana was still frozen.
Alti's lips curled in devilish pleasure as her eagle eyes spied a droplet of sea water trickling down the young woman's abdomen.
"Tapert's outta the way," called a breathless Colleen. "What do I do with these two?" she pointed at Xena, whose right hand was just inches away from her sword, and Gabrielle, who seemed ready to explode. Alti slinked toward Colleen ever so slowly. "Come on!" yelled Colleen. "I'm runnin' outta time!"
At that moment, Alti split into two halves. Each half morphed into a stunning woman. Colleen was nearly blinded by their radiance.
"Don't worry about them," said the dark-eyed vision known as godconnie. "We'll fix it."
"I don't see how we possibly can," grumbled the green-eyed (Or were they gold?) vixen called Mezzo.
"Would you just relax?" warned godconnie.
"How can I relax when you're adding serious tension to what's supposed to be a lighthearted romantic tale?" asked Mezzo. She had a good point.
"Well, I guess that's what you get when you let me have too much time to think!"
"Waitaminnit! Waitaminnit!" said an excited Colleen. "Are the two of youse island goddesses?"
"Yes," said Mezzo.
"No," said godconnie at the same moment. Mezzo gave godconnie *the look.* But what a gorgeous look it was! "I mean... Yes and no." godconnie tried to explain. "We're writing this story."
Mezzo rolled her eyes and sighed deeply.
"You mean I was right?" the co-ed asked.
"Yes, you're a very clever girl, Colleen." godconnie replied. "At least in this story," thought the writer-cum-island goddess.
"This really is a piece of fan fiction?" laughed Colleen.
"A piece of fan fiction gone awry," quipped Mezzo.
"Everything is fine," godconnie assured Mezzo. Again.
"gc!" Mezzo blurted. "You didn't even know where to go with the Tapert thing! You had him intimidate our beloved bard and then instead of resolving it well or, better yet, just deleting the entire section, you resorted to a tired old 'let's freeze time and make things different cliché! It's lame, I tell you! Lame!"
"But I can make it work! Just give me a chance!" gc did her best sad puppy dog impersonation.
"Aw... Come on..." Colleen begged Mezzo. "Give her a chance."
"Ugh." Mezzo was not impressed. "Fine. Do it."
"Whee!" gc beamed.
Mezzo closed her eyes as if to meditate. "Gaia, help me."
godconnie walked over to the frozen bard. She leaned her luscious lips close to Gabrielle's inviting earlobe. "Rob Tapert does not know what he's talking about," the fanfic writer whispered soothingly. "When Ares put you and Xena into the same body to fight Mavican, you were both forever changed. Once you were returned to your separate bodies, you possessed the fierceness and the focus that you'd long been lacking while Xena possessed a newfound gentleness and humility. Each of you left a little piece of yourself in the other. Eve has as much of you in her as she does Xena. She is your daughter. And remember..." gc said affectionately, "...Xena loves you."
Tears streamed down Colleen's face. "Omigod. I am so turning into Jenna right now!"
Mezzo coughed and turned away so that the others wouldn't see her wipe a wee tear from her eye. Turning back, she saw godconnie standing on her tiptoes, whispering to the Warrior Princess. Mezzo resumed a look of skepticism as godconnie skipped happily back toward her.
"All better now!" godconnie said with confidence.
"What did you say to Xena?" asked Mezzo.
"Doesn't matter."
"Yes, it does."
"No..." godconnie winked at the now cheerful Colleen, "It doesn't."
And with a snap of her long, magnificent fingers, she and Mezzo disappeared into thin air as the still part of the island and all of the campsite's inhabitants came back to life.
Gabrielle breathed a huge sigh of relief as if a monolithic burden had been removed from her shoulders. She looked to Xena and smiled. The bard hadn't felt this free, this happy in so very long.
Xena drew her sword and searched for Tapert. Joxer tripped over a grain of sand and fell flat on his face. He was knocked unconscious.
"Where did he go?" Gabrielle wondered about Tapert.
"I don't know," replied Xena as she turned around slowly, sword at the ready.
"He's gone," offered Colleen.
"Gone?" questioned the bard.
"Yeah, um..." Colleen decided to take the path of least resistance. "The island goddesses came and took him away."
"The island goddesses?" asked Xena as she sheathed her sword.
"Yeah. They thought he was being too destructive and disrespectful, so they zapped him outta here."
The warrior fixed the co-ed with an icy stare. "And how is it that you saw these goddesses and we didn't?"
Colleen trembled internally but remained calm on the surface. "I see dead people," she breathed in her best Haley Joel Osment voice.
"Excuse me?" Xena took a step closer.
"Um... Uh..." Colleen got an idea and smiled her most adorable Drew Barrymore-like smile. "Just between you and me, Xena, the island goddesses have sorta got the hots for me so they let me see what they're doing from time to time. Trying to impress me and all."
"Ugh." Xena snarled in disgust. "Gods!"
"These two ain't so bad, they're actually kind of cute..."
"Colleen!" Jenna screeched from camp. "Rudy's gonna give your rice away!"
Colleen rolled her eyes. "I'll be right there!" she yelled back. "Are youse guys gonna be okay?" she asked the dynamic duo.
"We'll be fine," said Xena.
"Kewl. I gotta motor if I wanna make that rice!" she walked backwards nearly all the way to camp, hoping that things truly were going to be fine.
Xena's face now had that woman-on-a-mission look. "We're getting out of here, Gabrielle." The bard nodded in agreement and followed her beloved.
Joxer raised his dazed head only to find crustaceans attached to his nose and both ears.
"Sand crabs!" he cried out.
Xena and Gabrielle continued down the beach; Joxer's howls of agony becoming less earsplitting the farther they went.
The castaways inhaled their rice in record time. Not even the usually deliberate Rich took a moment to savor the extra spoonful they all received due to Greg's departure from the island the night before. No, the corporate trainer was too busy formulating a plan. Stranger things than normal had been happening all day and something in his massive gut told him that Colleen was the key. For the first time in weeks, he noticed that her attention had stayed focused for more than a few seconds.
In fact, he mused. She's downright contemplative... His train of thought was stalled when Colleen stood.
"I'm gonna take a walk," she announced and headed in the same direction that Xena and Gabrielle had gone.
"Hey! Wait up!" Rich yelled. "I could use a walk!" He jogged to catch up with the startled co-ed.
"He could use more than a walk!" Rudy said to the remaining survivors. "I didn't think dem queers liked fatties!" He thought for a moment. "Course, he ain't never mentioned no boyfriend... Maybe dat's why he wants da million. Buy himself one o' dem cabana boys or somethin'."
"I remember when I was a cabana boy..." Sean waxed poetic until he saw the raised eyebrows of his mates. "Oops. Did I say that out loud?"
"Ya, Sean." Soozin answered.
"I just did it for a couple summers to raise money for med school," he giggled nervously. "Not because I'm gay or anything..."
"Yeah, and I bit my ex-husband's nose because I'm a cannibal!" Kelly's words dripped with sarcasm. "Not because I'm a psycho bitch!" Soozin and Rudy roared with laughter. Gervase nearly woke from his after dinner nap.
"I don't think..." *sob* "...it's very nice..." *sob* "...to make fun of people!" Jenna cried.
"And I..." *fake sob* "...don't think..." *fake sob* "...it's possible..." *fake sob* "...that you are such a pussy! Knock off the tears, Little Miss Cry Baby!" screeched Soozin.
The others howled as Jenna burst into tears. Again.
"That's what the slut gets for not sleeping with me!" thought Sean.
--------
Back at the beach, Rich decided the best way to get the information he wanted was to pretend like he already knew what was going on.
"Some day, huh, Colls?" he said casually.
"Yeah." Colleen replied coolly.
"I mean, I can't believe the way those folks were sent here. Falling out of the sky and all." He smiled. "I wonder which island god they pissed off?" Colleen's eyes widened. "I'm getting close to something," thought Rich. Colleen wanted him to go away.
"I really gotta pee, Rich."
You crafty little minx! he thought. "By all means... I'll wait right here," he assured her.
Colleen warily made her way into the jungle. Though a large man, Rich was quite stealthy. He managed to follow the careful co-ed without getting caught. When Colleen reached a clearing where she was sure she was safe, she tried to summon Mezzo and godconnie.
"Hey, youse guys," she said looking up, half expecting the breathtaking women to swoop down from the heavens on the backs of winged horses. "I need to talk to you about something."
Both she and Rich waited with bated breath. Nothing happened.
"If you can hear me, give me a sign." She hoped this would work.
Suddenly, it started to snow in the clearing. Rich began to fume as Colleen giggled and caught a snowflake on her tongue. The snow stopped as quickly as it had begun.
"I guess that means you're listening, huh?" She turned around once, checking to see if she was still alone. Rich remained hidden behind a very large bush. "Okay... I don't know exactly why youse guys are here. I mean, you've gotta be doing this for a reason, right?" She paused, waiting for an answer that never came. "Well, I'm here to tell ya that Rich might figure out how to screw things up. He's very smart and he may be the spawn of Satan, I'm not sure. And even though you seem to be in control, you really need to keep an eye on him. Maybe you could just freeze him until this is over."
"LIKE HELL!!!" Richard roared as he stood and pointed a shaking finger at Colleen who squealed in horror and ran back toward camp. Rich's body vibrated with greed-induced rage and adrenaline.
"I'll get to the bottom of this right now!" he vowed to himself and took off running deeper into the jungle. The earth shook with his every step. A mile away, the warrior and the bard felt the tremors.
"Did you feel that, Xena?" Gabrielle asked as she studied the fishing net she had found on the beach.
"I did." Xena replied as she put the finishing touches on the raft they had been building. The earth shook again.
"Earthquake?" asked the bard.
"Try again," the warrior said playfully. There was another tremor.
"Volcano?" Gabrielle said, unsure. "No..." She held up her hand and closed her eyes. Another tremor. "Fat man running?" she asked, opening one eye.
"That's my girl!" smiled Xena.
"Am I your girl?" asked Gabrielle.
"Always."
Just then, the relative silence of the island was shattered by a thunderous scream.
"Fat man angry?" laughed Gabrielle.
"Indeed." Xena agreed. "Perhaps we should take that as a sign to leave?"
"Where are we headed?" the bard asked as she tossed the fishing net to the ground and helped Xena place their raft in the water.
"There's a ship circling this island. We'll row out to it and ask if they'll take us to the mainland."
"What if it's a pirate ship?" The two women began paddling away from the island.
"Then we'll kick their butts, sail back to the mainland and turn them over to the proper authorities." Xena declared.
"Sounds like a plan to me," agreed Gabrielle.
--------------
Richard had come to a stony mountainside. He searched frantically for the electronic keypad that he knew was hidden somewhere under a piece of faux rock.
Deep inside the mountain, Mark Burnett, executive producer of the television show, Survivor, lounged in his luxury suite which overlooked the high-tech facility where a staff of twenty men and women monitored the castaways' every move. Burnett had decided to watch a highlight reel of Jenna's infamous butt angling, but his anticipation was thwarted by the sound of an alarm in the room below.
"What's going on down here?" Burnett asked as he stepped out of the elevator and into the control room.
"Our monitors show two figures on a raft. It looks as though they're trying to make it to Probst's yacht," replied a young man who stared nervously at the screen before him.
"Holy Hades!" Burnett barked as he studied the screen as well. "We need a storm with strong winds in sector 27A, pronto!"
"Yes, sir!" shouted another crewman as buttons were pushed and levers were pulled.
The sky opened over the bard and the warrior. Lightning. Thunder. Rain. High winds. Xena looked over her shoulder and saw a large wave coming right at them.
"Get ready, Gabrielle!" she yelled over the din. The blonde turned just in time to see the wave hit them. The raft overturned, throwing the two women into the sea and hitting Xena in the side of the head, rendering her unconscious. Gabrielle struggled to stay above the surface.
"Xena?!" she screamed as she spun around in the churning water. "Xena!!!" The bard filled her lungs with air and dove under the water. It took a couple seconds for her eyes to adjust to the darkness, but she soon spied the sinking warrior. The mighty Amazon Queen wrapped a muscular arm around her partner and propelled both of them to the surface with her powerful legs. Gabrielle knew that making it back to shore was going to be the most daunting task she had ever faced but she was determined to succeed.
The wind had picked up considerably around the island. Back at the mountain, Richard had to shield himself from flying jungle debris. Finally, he managed to find the hidden keypad that would allow him to enter Mark Burnett's secret facility. He punched the code number assigned him, 666, and a slab of rock slid to the side, revealing an opening. Rich entered and the slab closed behind him.
Two miles away, Rob Tapert stood perfectly still in a pitch-black cavern. He'd been standing there, paralyzed by fear and confusion, for nearly two hours. The events of the day had been very perplexing and now he found himself in the dark. Literally.
This is just like the time back in Detroit when Campbell and I built our own sensory deprivation tank after getting hammered and watching Ken Russell's Altered States, thought Tapert. My God! What if the past 20 years have all been an illusion? Have I been hallucinating? What if I'm still lying in that tank? What if I'm not a television mini-mogul? What if I'm not married to a luscious Kiwi actress? What if I'm still a stock boy at the A & P?!!! He began to sweat profusely.
A bolt of lightning cut across the stormy sky outside. Tapert let out a terrified scream as the light allowed him a fleeting glimpse of a naked figure huddled a few feet away. An equally high-pitched male scream matched his. Intermittent flashes of light afforded them the chance to recognize each other as human.
"Who... Who are you?" questioned Tapert nervously.
"I found this place first!" shouted the naked, muscular man. "Who are you?!!!"
"My name is Rob Tapert. Executive producer of Xena: Warrior Princess and Cleopatra 2525."
"No way, dude! Those babe's are hot!" came the more relaxed reply.
"So you've actually heard of the shows?" Tapert was relieved. He wasn't hallucinating.
"Sure... Too bad those two on Xena are lesbians... Not that I wouldn't mind seeing some hot girl on girl action..." the stranger said wistfully.
"They are not lesbians!" roared Tapert. "Why does everyone think that?"
"Maybe because they're always hugging each other and taking baths together and giving each other backrubs and sleeping next to each other and saying 'I love you, Xena...'"
"People did that in ancient Greece! It doesn't mean anything!"
"How come Hercules and his little buddy never did those things then?"
"What are you? Gay?" asked Tapert.
"HELL NO!" the stranger yelled and stood defiantly in the dark.
Another bolt of lightning lit the cave for a split second. Both men screamed like schoolgirls when they realized that one of them was completely nude.
"Is there a reason why you're naked?" asked Rob.
"Um..." The stranger cleared his throat. "It's a long story..."
--------
Mark Burnett and his crew watched the compact but powerful blonde fight the elements as she brought her unconscious companion back towards shore.
"She's magnificent!" sighed an awestruck technician.
"Yes, she is," agreed Burnett.
"Who are they?" asked one of the visiting CBS execs. "I don't recall discussing the addition of new castaways."
"Uh..." Burnett didn't want to look like he had no idea what was going on. "It's a surprise," he lied.
"A surprise?" the exec asked. "Can we afford surprises?"
At that, a seething Richard burst into the control room.
"You backstabbing bitch!!!" Rich pointed at Burnett. "What are you and Colleen up to?!!!"
"Excuse me?" Burnett was confused.
"I saw her talking to you! I saw the snow in the jungle!" fumed Rich.
"What are you talking about?"
"You know damn well what I'm talking about, Burnett! You and that sweet little piece of ass are making me out to look like a fool!" Richard was beet-red from his face to his protruding gut.
"Calm down, Richard," Burnett said softly. "Have a seat. Please." He motioned to a nearby chair. Rich was hesitant, but suddenly realized how exhausted he was, so he decided to sit. Mark circled around behind him and began massaging his sweat-covered shoulders. Rich let out a low moan. "You like that, don't you?" Burnett whispered.
"Mmm-hmm..." Rich groaned and closed his eyes.
"Now, calmly, Richard..." Burnett caught the eye of the facility's doctor and motioned with his head toward the emergency medical kit. The doctor walked nonchalantly to the kit and opened it. "...tell us what happened."
"First," Rich sighed, "These people fell from the sky..."
"From the sky?" Mark asked while nodding no at the doctor who was holding up a small bottle of baby oil. "Were they wearing parachutes?"
"No, they just fell from the sky. Ker-platt!!!"
"Okay..." Burnett watched the woman rummage through the kit. "Then what?"
"Then one of them disappeared..." Rich continued.
"Disappeared? Like, how?"
"One minute he was there and the next he wasn't!" Rich began to get annoyed again.
"Just relax..."Burnett said as he began to massage Rich's temples. "You're so tense..." The doctor held up a tube of K-Y jelly. Burnett rolled his eyes. He silently mouthed the word, tranquilizer, to her. She pulled out a CD called Frank & Liza. Burnett gasped internally. How did that get in there? he wondered. The woman raised a questioning eyebrow. Mark shook his head and then did a little charade sleepy thing and, once again, mouthed the word, tranquilizer, but more slowly this time. The doctor nodded affirmatively and continued to rummage.
"Colleen was acting all funny," Rich continued. "You know, as if she were actually thinking. I decided to follow her into the jungle. She spoke to the sky and asked for a sign. It started to snow..." He began to sob. "Why hast thou forsaken me?"
"Richard." Burnett came around to face him. "Sweetheart. You have to believe me when I say that I would never forsake you." The doctor slowly made her way around to stand behind Rich.
"You promised that I would win if I gave you a great TV villain," the weeping man reminded him.
"I did. And you have. My promise still stands." Burnett assured him.
"Then why are you collaborating with Colleen?"
"Honey, I think you've been out in the heat too long..." Burnett nodded to the doctor who quickly injected the tranquilizer into Rich's neck.
"What the...?!!!" Rich yelled as he grabbed his neck. "Why, Mark? Why?" he tried to stand but was too woozy. Mark and the doctor caught him under his flabby arms and gently placed him on the floor.
"Don't worry, Richie, things will work out for you." Burnett smiled affectionately. "Now, you must rest..."
Against his better judgment, Richard lost consciousness. Burnett waited until he was sure that Rich could no longer hear what was being said. "Put a tracking implant in him, then dump him in the jungle," he ordered the doctor.
"What is going on here, Burnett?" the exec asked as five husky crewmembers struggled to move Richard's prone body to the examination room.
"Obviously, Mr. Hatch is suffering from heat exhaustion. We'll rehydrate him, set him up with a tracking device so we can monitor his movement, and put him back on the island. He won't remember any of this." Burnett, who was unsure himself, assured the man.
"I don't know about this," grumbled the exec. "New additions to the cast, people trying to escape, the most together person on the island raving like a lunatic about snow in the jungle, and I've heard that one of the ex-castaways is missing from the resort..."
"Everything is under control..." Burnett was cut off as the room was filled with melodious laughter. The unmistakably female voices were more hypnotic than those of the sirens, though only the female crew seemed enchanted. The men, on the other hand, all shook with instinctual dread. As the voices faded, it began to snow in the control room.
"What the hell is going on here?!" demanded the exec.
"It must be a malfunction of some sort!" yelled Burnett, who was close to exposing his own panic.
"We can't find any malfunctions," said the woman who operated the main computer.
The snow stopped. Faint laughter was heard for a few seconds.
"See..." Burnett pretended to regain his composure. "...all better now." The last remaining snowflake landed on the tip of his nose and melted.
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