~ The Fifth Amendment ~
Part 1b
by Mezzo and godconnie
Disclaimer: All characters from Xena: Warrior Princess are property of StudiosUSA and probably many other people who aren't us. This is an alternative fan fiction--Gabrielle and Xena are in love with no apologies.
Survivor is property of CBS and Mark Burnett. We have borrowed characters, both fictional and real. (and honestly, are any of the characters from Survivor 'real?' or are they figments of Mark Burnett and his editor's imagination?) from these television shows and, because this is a parody, we may not have always treated them kindly, but we truly wish no one involved any harm. This is a non-profit piece of fiction.
e-mail for Mezzo is vkellyian@compuserve.com. E-mail for godconnie is ariesscorpio@yahoo.com
The Fifth Amendment
Part 1b
By Mezzo and godconnie
Two miles south of Burnett's compound, Rob Tapert sat in quiet contemplation as his newfound companion related his tale of woe.
"Man, I didn't even say those chicks were like cows! It was Gervase! And he's probably still swinging his lazy ass in some comfortable hammock while I sit here... naked... in a cold, dark cave!"
"I'm still not clear on how you got here, Joel," said a sympathetic Tapert. "Then again, I'm not clear on how I got here..."
"I heard heavy breathing and something being dragged in here earlier. I assumed an animal had brought in its kill. That's why I hid." Joel explained. "Obviously, what I heard was someone bringing you here."
"But you don't know who?"
"No. It was too dark and I was...scared," he said, embarrassed.
"Maybe it was the same person that brought you," offered Tapert.
"You've been to the resort?" Fear began to creep into Joel's voice.
"Resort?" asked Tapert.
"That's where they attacked me," Joel said hesitantly.
"Who?"
"The... women..." whispered Joel. "The ones who thought I called them cows," he took a deep breath. "They waited until nightfall. We were at the resort bar. Each one of them, Sonja, Ramona, Stacey..." The hair on the back of his neck stood on end as he said the next name. "Gretchen..." He gulped down his terror. "They kept buying me drinks. They acted as if nothing had ever happened on the beach. I thought they were being really good sports. But then..." He paused for what seemed like an eternity to the action-packed mentality of Tapert. "Someone must have drugged me. Knocked me out. Next thing I know, I wake up here, without clothes, without anything..." Tears rolled down his cheeks.
"How long ago was this?"
"A week, at least..."
"And you've stayed here the entire time?" Tapert couldn't comprehend such inaction.
"No..." Joel admitted. "A few days ago, I found my way back to the camp where my former castmates were still competing... I was going to ask them for a pair of shorts and then head back to the resort, but..." he drifted off into his thoughts.
"But?" Tapert prodded.
"I ran into Soozin and Kelly first. They chased after me with rope and a fillet knife..." He paused. "They threatened to decapitate Little Joel." He took a deep breath and began to cry again.
---------
The castaways remaining at the camp had taken refuge from the storm under their makeshift hut. Being products of pampered 20th Century American society, none of them had the ability to build a decent dwelling, hence, they were as soaked as they would have been had they faced the elements unsheltered. Soozin, ever alert, spied two forms emerging from the tumultuous sea; one dragging the other.
"Well, I'll be!" Soozin said to Colleen. "Looks like the Warrior Princess is dead. Again."
"No!" Colleen yelped and headed toward her newfound friends.
Tears mixed with raindrops and streamed down Jenna's face. "You're such a... a... a... b-word, Soozin!" And with that, she ran to accompany Colleen.
"Ouch," Kelly said sarcastically as she sidled up to Soo. "I guess she told you."
"Yah, sure, you betcha." Soo said flatly.
The storm receded as Colleen and Jenna reached the determined bard and the unconscious warrior.
"Can we help?" asked Colleen.
"I have to get some air into her lungs," stated the calm Amazon Queen. Gabrielle began performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on her partner as the young beach bums watched in amazement. Two hundred yards away, just as it had done to hundreds of thousands of subtexters around the world, the red-hot chemistry between Gabrielle and Xena began to work its magic on Kelly and Soo.
"Good Lord," gulped Soozin as the bard's lips met those of the warrior. "How hot would that be if they were both awake?"
No such question crossed Kelly's mind, but only because her libido had blocked the passage of thoughts to her brain…a hormonal version of Xena's pinch, if you will. Her body temperature shot up five degrees and her heart began to race. In the distance, Xena sputtered back to life as Gabrielle gently cradled her in her arms.
Kelly and Soo's attention turned slowly toward each other. Their eyes met in that dreamy place between arousal and release. Kelly's mouth opened slightly in sweet anticipation. The newly returned sun reflected off her tongue stud and pierced the tiny un-Grinch-like part of Soozin's heart. Soo began to melt.
"Damn disgusting dykes!" Rudy growled in the direction of the gorgeous Greeks. "Get a room!" he yelled even louder.
Not surprisingly, Rudy's rough comments had the same effect on Kelly and Soo as the rain had on their campfire. The flame was quickly extinguished. Both women began to boil inwardly; equally horrified by their attraction to each other and pissed at the old man for ruining the moment. Kelly realized she had to save face immediately. She glared at Soo.
"Bitch!"
"Rat!" retorted Soo.
A small rodent peeked out between her dishwater blonde tresses.
"You called?"
Soozin grabbed the unlucky varmint and wailed it directly at Sean's crotch.
"Oof!" the doctor doubled over in pain; his face landing precariously close to the still sleeping Gervase's groin.
"What the fu...?!!!" Gervase exclaimed as he lit out of his soggy hammock, sending Sean to the ground. "How many times do I have to tell you and Rich that I don't swing that way?!!!" he trumpeted.
"Sorry," croaked Sean.
"Hey, who are the new babes?" Gervase asked as he noticed the two strangers returning to camp with Jenna and Colleen.
"Are there any dry blankets?" Jenna asked the uncaring onlookers. "We have to get Xena warm."
"I'll start a fire!" Colleen offered.
"That'll be the day!" Rudy scoffed as the co-ed set out to do something she'd not accomplished once while on the island despite numerous giggle- and groan-filled attempts.
Gabrielle settled her groggy love on a log facing the soon-to-be fire and began checking Xena's pulse and pupils for any irregularities. Jenna found a dry blanket in a crate and wrapped it around the shivering warrior.
"Thanks," smiled the appreciative bard. She noticed that Colleen was clumsily trying to ignite water-soaked wood. "Why don't you sit here with Xena while I start the fire?"
"Huh?" Colleen paused then caught on. "Okay." She plopped down happily beside the warrior who immediately took her aching head in her hands. "Oops! Sorry! No more bouncing. Promise."
Jenna positioned herself on the other side of Xena and gently massaged her back as Gabrielle set out to find some dry firewood.
"They're so pathetic," Kelly said disgustedly.
"They're in that 'I'll-do-anything-for-the-warrior-princess-haze." Soozin explained.
Kelly was impressed with Soo's command of the English language. "That's pretty funny."
"Yah, I just made it up."
"Liar!" said the recovered rat as he scurried out from under Sean.
----------
"I'm just a little uncomfortable with this, Joel," Tapert confessed.
"I knew you'd be a boxers man! Briefs are too constricting."
"I agree," Rob said as he stepped out of his skivvies. "Although I always keep a pair of Speedos handy in case Lucy wants to re-enact her Muriel's Wedding fantasy." He tossed his boxers to Joel and quickly put his pants back on.
Muriel's Wedding? Joel asked as he caught Tapert's donated underwear.
"Yes," Tapert went into full film geek mode. "It's a quirky little Australian film about a young misfit girl who finds solace in Abba songs and marries a South African swimmer."
"I saw that." Joel slipped into the first piece of clothing he'd worn in a week. "Didn't Muriel leave her husband and run off with her girlfriend in the end?" Tapert grew very quiet.
"Sonofabitch," Rob finally spoke. "I have to get back to camp!"
----------
Even though they would never admit it, the crackling fire that Gabrielle had built was a warm welcome to everyone at the camp. The bard was not very happy about being stuck with such the inhospitable people, but she knew it would be best for Xena to rest after suffering such a serious head injury. The castaways had been smart enough to give them their distance while she tried to comfort her companion and she was thankful for that. She felt an internal rumbling, but since she was holding Xena so close to her, she couldn't tell whose stomach was begging for food.
Who am I kidding? she thought. It's always my stomach.
"You should find something to eat," Xena said quietly. The bard smiled.
"How do you do that?"
"Do what?" asked Xena.
"Read my mind."
"It had nothing to do with your mind, Gabrielle. It was your gurgling gut." This caused the bard to chuckle quietly. "Go find some food."
"I don't want to leave you here alone," Gabrielle whispered.
"I'll be all right. Just tell those two cute girls to keep me company."
"Oh, that makes me feel even better!" Gabrielle joked. Xena managed an impish grin.
"Would you go if I told you that I was hungry too?"
"You know I would."
"Then go." Xena urged. "I expect you to return with a 10-course meal."
"I don't think you could keep that much food down," the bard said seriously.
"No, but wouldn't it be fun to see the reactions of these idiots if the great Warrior Princess were to hurl all over the place?"
"Xena..." Gabrielle shook her head. "Sometimes you can be so crude."
"But you love me anyway."
"That I do," she smiled.
------------
Barely a word was spoken as Joel led Tapert back toward the Survivor camp. Joel's entire being was focused on his surroundings. He would not allow any of his female castmates to get near him again.
"They're all crazy," he thought to himself. "Maybe they suffer from Mad Cow Disease," he chuckled internally at his own wit.
Tapert's thoughts, on the other hand, were not amusing him in the least. He kept replaying a recent script read-through where both Lucy and Renee complained that a Fifth Season episode where Xena fell in love with yet another bad boy was in total contradiction to the relationship that had blossomed between their two characters over the years. At the time, he shrugged it off as just a couple actors grasping desperately for some silly character and plot consistency, but now he wasn't so sure.
--------------
Despite the fact that she was loathe to leave Xena in the company of the mostly unfriendly castaways, Gabrielle relished the idea of being alone with her thoughts. Walking endless miles had always afforded her the opportunity to meditate on whatever problem was at hand. She hoped that she would be able to make some sense of their present situation as she searched for food.
Could Ares have somehow regained his godhood? she mused to herself. Maybe he found some ambrosia and ate it. Maybe he didn't really lose his immortality when he saved Eve and me...
The thought of owing her life to the God of War made Gabrielle's stomach churn. After all he's put us through, to have to give thanks to him is just...ugh... She cringed and spoke out loud. "You can do it, Gabrielle. You are above hatred and jealousy. You can thank him. You can forgive him and thank him..." She sighed inwardly. "...and if he's really mortal, maybe you can kick his ass!" She chuckled at her own silliness.
If it isn't Ares, maybe it's the Furies. They could have sent us here in order to keep us out of their hair... This made sense to her, but something didn't feel quite right. She began to rehash the day's events. She and Xena had been on their way to meet up again with Eve. It seemed like an average, quiet day when, suddenly, she found herself falling to this godsforsaken island.
It happened so quickly, she thought. And then... Something had stuck out. And then Colleen said something about a fan fiction... Gabrielle mulled this over.
Aphrodite! Yes, that might be it! Aphrodite had once put a spell on one of Gabrielle's scrolls; whatever was written on the scroll came true.
"Aphrodite!" she yelled. "Aphrodite! Is this your doing?" The bard waited for an answer. "Come on, Aphrodite. Show yourself."
At that, the divine deity came plunging from the heavens. Gabrielle winced as her friend from Olympus hit the ground with tremendous force.
"Aphrodite! Are you okay?" the concerned bard ran to help the Goddess of Love.
"Oof!" Aphrodite sputtered and struggled to her feet.
"Are you okay?" Gabrielle asked again.
"Arrrrrrrrgh!" Aphrodite yelled and pointed at the sky. "That is so not cool, you two!"
Gabrielle looked up and saw nothing but clouds. "Who are you talking to?"
"What?" the goddess asked, distracted by her own unkempt appearance. "Look at my robe!" she whined as she lifted the torn garment for the bard to see. Her gaze returned to the heavens. "You're lucky I can fix this!" She nodded her head and magically transformed her soiled apparel into a pristine new outfit. "Now that's more like it!"
"Who were you talking to, Aphrodite?"
"Pink really is my color, don't you think?" The self-absorbed goddess twirled in delight.
"Who sent you here?"
"Although..." Aphrodite stopped to consider, "I can pretty much make any color work. You, on the other hand, look so much better in this little red number." She pointed at the bard's ensemble. "That old bilious green sports bra was so 40 years ago."
"Aphrodite..."
"I mean, what were you thinking, anyway? A green top with a brown skirt? Come on!"
"Aphrodite..."
"And what's with the growing of the hair? You were such an adorable baby butch with the really short 'do.'"
"Aphrodite!" Gabrielle barked.
"Whoa there, Gabster! What is your damage?"
"My damage?" the bard repeated incredulously. "Let's see..." She began to tick off in quick succession. "Xena and I, not to mention you and a few others, were cast down from the heavens - and how we even got in the heavens is still up in the air - no pun intended - to this island that is populated with mostly nasty folk who claim they're playing some kind of survival game. There's a man who keeps calling Xena by a different name and making goo-goo eyes at her, but he was whisked away by the island goddesses whom only one person claims to have seen. There's another man who keeps calling me Gabe; Xena's already put the pinch on him once. And when she and I tried to leave here we were stopped by a freak ocean storm that would have made Poseidon proud in its timing and intensity. Xena was nearly killed and Joxer, or the ghost of Joxer, is roaming around here somewhere..." Gabrielle paused to take a breath. "Is that enough damage for you?"
Aphrodite's eyes moved slightly skyward. "You brought Joxer here?" she whispered, her perfect brow wrinkled in perfect confusion.
"Who are you talking to?!" Gabrielle insisted.
"Umm..." The goddess giggled. "I dunno! I'm a ditzy blonde, remember? It's what ditzy blondes do!"
"No, no, no..." Gabrielle grabbed the goddess by the elbow as she tried to turn away. "You're not playing that game with me. I know better. Now tell me what's going on."
Aphrodite sighed. "All I can tell you is that this was not my idea." She shook her head in exaggerated disgust. "I mean, Joxer? Hello? Dead man walking even when he was alive! Ick!"
"Forget Joxer."
"No problemo!" The goddess smiled, the buffoon already forgotten.
"Can you tell me who is behind all of this, Aphrodite?"
"I'm sorry. I promised..." The goddess stopped mid-sentence. "I mean, what makes you think there's someone behind this? Stranger things have happened to you and Xena."
"There are people following us around with black boxes on their shoulders and carrying sticks with phallic-type things attached," whispered the agitated bard.
Aphrodite snickered. "Oh, those are just cameras and microphones. Pay them no mind. They won't hurt you."
"Cameras and...What?" Gabrielle was getting more confused.
"They're devices used to collect images and sounds which will then be projected through the air to receptive boxes known as televisions. People will be able to watch the island's proceedings in the luxury of their own homes." Explained the goddess, matter-of-factly. "The concept has revolutionized human communication."
Gabrielle touched her friend's forehead with the back of her hand. "Are you feeling all right?"
"I'm fine, Cutie," she said, playfully swatting the bard's hand away. "You just need to concentrate on that which is most important to you."
"That which is most important to me?"
"Yeah. Ring any tall, dark, warrior bells?"
"Is something going to happen to Xena?" asked the concerned bard.
"That..." shrugged Aphrodite, "...is entirely up to you, Sweetcheeks." The goddess winked mischievously and disappeared in an explosion of pink and white hearts.
"But..." Gabrielle turned in a circular motion, realizing she wasn't going to get any more information from the devilishly cryptic Olympian. She groaned loudly and set out to find a suitable meal for her ailing companion.
-------------
Joel insisted that they stop about 500 yards away from camp. He had no intention of getting closer.
"This is it."
"Are you coming with me?" Tapert asked.
"No way, dude." Joel said nervously. "I can find my way back to the resort from here."
"You're sure?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I wish you the best of luck," the TV exec extended his hand.
"You too, man." Joel shook Tapert's hand. "I'll return your skivvies as soon as this ordeal is over."
"Keep 'em," Tapert replied sincerely.
"Wow." Nothing more need be said. The bonding now come full circle.
With a pat to his newfound buddy's back, Joel headed back into the jungle. Rob took a deep breath and set his sights on the camp before him. Soozin was the first to notice the red-headed stranger walking toward them.
"Here comes your boyfriend, Xena," she taunted.
The warrior lifted her tired eyes to see the approaching man and sighed.
How did he find his way back here? Colleen asked herself.
"Who da hell is he, anyway?" Rudy questioned.
"His name is Tapert. He thinks he's married to Xena." Colleen offered.
"What?" Xena asked disgustedly.
"It's hard to explain," said the compromised co-ed. "His wife looks exactly like you. He thinks you're her."
"Meg isn't going to show up, is she?" the warrior worried. "I'm really not in the mood for her antics right now..."
"Gods, I hope not," replied Colleen. "She's even more annoying than Sean."
"I heard that, Cool-een!" he winked and smiled his best studly smile, furiously wiggling his eyebrows in what he thought was a seductive manner.
"Or maybe not..." Colleen decided.
By now, Tapert was just a few feet away.
The producer/director neared the woman he thought he loved. "Lucy?!" Concern evident in Tapert's voice as he realized the dark woman was seriously wounded. "Are you okay?" he asked tenderly as he kneeled down before her.
"I'm fine," she assured him, not wanting to cause any unnecessary disturbances in her woozy state.
"You're hurt..." he raised his hand to her face but stopped when she moved back a bit. "You need medical assistance."
"I'm fine," she said more resolutely. Rob placed his hand on the warrior's knee. Her face automatically transformed into a fierce snarl. Tapert quickly removed his hand.
"Why don't you sit over here, Mr. T?" Colleen patted the open space on the log next to her. He reluctantly acquiesced and took a seat beside the spunky student.
"We really need to get Lucy to a doctor," Tapert whispered.
"Trust me, Mr. T," Colleen whispered back, "That isn't Lucy."
-------------
Joel quickly yet quietly made his way through the island underbrush. Faint rattling sounds caused him to hesitate in an attempt to get a better fix on where the noise was coming from. He realized it was advancing from behind. He deftly scurried up into a nearby tree and held his breath. A decidedly male voice rang out.
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" Joxer moaned as he swung around just beneath Joel's hiding place.
The ex-castaway noticed a small snapping turtle hanging from the bumbling man's right index finger.
"Get off!" Joxer yelled as he propelled the turtle against Joel's tree. The force of the blow was so hard that not only did the turtle let go of Joxer's finger, Joel was knocked from his perch, toppling onto the hapless warrior wannabe.
After a moment of utter confusion, the startled men disentangled themselves as quickly as possible and jumped to their feet. Both eyed each other warily. Being an affable fellow, Joxer decided to break the ice. He raised his hand rapidly, causing the antsy Joel to spring backwards. Joxer studied his own hand with a creased brow, wondering if he'd finally achieved the terrifying status he had always desired.
"Fear not, kind and nearly naked friend," his voice boomed with bravado. "I come in peace." He grinned almost as goofily as Sean and extended his hand again.
"Sorry, dude," Joel took the offered paw, "I'm just a little jumpy."
"No need to explain," Joxer assured. "I know how intimidating it can be for a mere peasant to come face to face with such a fearsome warrior as I!"
Joel paused then began to laugh. "That's pretty funny!" he slapped Joxer on the arm, causing the deluded Greek to stumble into the nearby tree.
"Ow!" Joxer howled after his nose collided with the rough bark. "I hate it when that happens!"
In the distance, a bird cawed. Convinced that it was Soozin or Kelly, Joel began to sweat profusely.
"Oh God..." he breathed.
"What?"
"They're coming!"
"Who?" inquired Joxer.
"The women!" Joel cried. "I have to get out of here!"
Joxer was amused. "Don't tell me you're afraid of some silly women!" he scoffed.
"You don't understand," Joel said in hushed tones, "These women are crazy."
Joxer bellowed loudly, causing Joel to cower behind a bush. "Aren't they all?" He laughed again. "Women. Can't live with 'em. Can't chain 'em in the yard. That's what I always say." He puffed out his chest in a ridiculously macho manner. "Trouble is, these days, women have forgotten their place. It's up to men like us to remind them. Heh-heh."
His rubbery face stretched into a self-satisfied smile. On cue, a circling female seagull relieved herself overhead and the earthbound substance landed directly on Joxer's homemade armor.
"Hey!" he yelled as he looked up just as the gull let go another round. This time, the expertly directed dung landed just below his left eye. "Why I oughtta!" he threatened the feathered fiend with his fist.
"This guy is a bigger idiot than me and Gervase combined," thought Joel. "He'd make for a great diversion if I were to run into the Mad Cow Club again."
"That is just..." Joxer cringed and wiped the feces from his face, "...not right!" He pointed skyward again. "You'll rue the day you messed with Joxer the Mighty!"
The feisty fowl swooped viciously at his head, missing it by a fraction of an inch as Joxer lunged for the ground. While the angry gull returned to her lofty heights, the bungling simpleton crawled behind Joel and his protective bush.
"M...m...mommy?" he whimpered.
Joel could feel his companion trembling like a Chihuahua on crack.
This might be fun, he mused.
"Uh, Joxer?" he asked, hiding an evil grin. "How would you like to accompany me to a nice, comfy resort filled with hot tubs and beautiful, single women?"
-------------
Gabrielle approached the campsite with mild trepidation. She noticed that the red-headed stranger had returned to the fold and she was unsure of how to deal with that. She and Xena had met thousands of people on their journeys and she was usually very good at remembering faces and names, but this man who seemed to believe that he knew them - who seemed to know intimate details about their lives - didn't look the least bit familiar. For some reason though, he made her skin crawl.
I wonder if this is how Xena feels whenever Ares is around, she pondered to herself as she neared the firelit camp. Maybe this man is some sort of evil deity cast down from the Heavens...she considered. What did Colleen call him? An executive producer? I wonder what that means?
"Oh! My! God!" Jenna's excited yelp broke Gabrielle's concentration. "Is that net really filled with fish?" she cried, literally, as the bountiful bard neared camp.
"Yes," Gabrielle beamed, momentarily proud of her accomplishment.
"Wow! Who knew gay guys could fish so well?" said Sean.
"Dat ain't no guy, you putz!" Rudy barked. "Dat dere is a dyke!"
"She is not a dyke, godammit!" Tapert squealed. "What is wrong with you people? They are JUST GOOD FRIENDS!!!"
"Have you ever actually seen that show?" Soo asked Rob.
"I am that show!" he barked.
"Sounds like somebody's got a superiority complex," she announced.
"Maybe you want I should kick your high-falutin' ass..."
"Who are you?" Tapert challenged in a manly fashion.
"I am this show!" Soo mocked him. In a manly fashion.
"Could you guys just stop fighting?" Jenna wept. "Life is too short to be so angry." Colleen put a supportive arm around Jenna's shoulder.
"Besides," the tearful Survivor took a deep breath, "I'm hungry and if we're nice, Gabrielle might share her catch."
"Of course, I'll share with you, Jenna," the kind-hearted bard assured her. "I'll share with all of you." She eyed Tapert warily. "Even you, I suppose."
"I can catch my own fish," he said defensively. He then realized that it was probably too dark to find any food now. "However, since you're offering in a peaceful manner, it would be rude of me to decline."
Gabrielle grunted quietly to herself. "How civilized," she said sarcastically as she approached her mate. Xena smiled sympathetically. The bard's mood lightened considerably at the sight. "How are you feeling, Xena?" She ran her fingers gently through the warrior's dark hair.
Tapert's lip twitched automatically. It's not all about the relationship! It's NOT! he chanted internally.
"I'm much better, thank you," Xena assured her.
"Colleen and Jenna took good care of you?" the bard asked as she sat next to her partner.
"I didn't even notice they were here, Gabrielle." Xena responded.
"Good answer!" the Amazon teased.
"I thought you'd like that one."
"Xena," Gabrielle relayed quietly, "I spoke to Aphrodite while I was gone. I think someone has sent us here on purpose. Aphrodite knows something but she's in one of her cryptic moods."
"Aphrodite has cryptic moods?" asked the surprised warrior.
"Well, they're nothing compared to yours, but she has her playful moments."
"I'll bet." Xena smiled wryly.
"Oh yeah, you're feeling better," the bard grinned.
"Why do you think we were sent here, Gabrielle?"
"I don't know." She answered honestly. "At first, I thought that Ares may have regained his godhood and was messing with us..."
"I suppose that's a possibility..." Xena agreed.
"But then I also thought it might be the Furies." The Amazon explained. "With you out of the way, they would be free to wreak all kinds of havoc on the world."
"Hercules might have something to say about that, you know."
"Not if he's trapped somewhere else."
"True..."
"But Colleen's words have been haunting me ever since we got here..."
"Colleen?" Xena seemed amused. "Come on, Gabrielle, she's a sweet kid, but how much do you really think is going on inside that head?"
"Xena!" Gabrielle chastised. "You of all people should know not to judge a scroll by its parchment!"
"You're right," the warrior admitted. "After all, my first impression of you was of a relentless little chatterbox who would surely drive me mad..."
Gabrielle raised an eyebrow and waited for the rest.
"Take me with you! Teach me everything you know!" Xena said in a high, girlish voice. "I have the gift of prophecy!" She began to laugh but realized that Gabrielle wasn't smiling. Xena cleared her throat. "I have a head injury, remember?"
The bard paused just long enough to make the warrior nervous. Xena bowed her head in hopes of being quickly forgiven.
"As I was saying..." Gabrielle continued. "When we first arrived here, Colleen mentioned that we must be in the middle of a piece of fan fiction."
"And?"
"And..." drawled the bard, "What if she's right? What if someone is manipulating us with the help of some enchanted parchment?"
"Like the time Aphrodite put a spell on your scroll and I ended up fishing uncontrollably for days?" asked Xena.
"Yes."
"I have to admit that this day does have that same kind of constrictive feel." The warrior took in her surroundings then set her gaze back upon Gabrielle. "Do you think Aphrodite is behind this?"
"That's just it," the bard explained, "She seemed to know something, but I don't think she's in control."
"Who then?" The warrior followed Gabrielle's eyes to Rob Tapert. "Him?" she asked unbelieving.
"Remember how he insisted that Eve wasn't my daughter?" Gabrielle reminded her. "And he keeps telling everyone that you and I are just friends and implies that you and he have something going on..."
"I can explain that last part, Gabrielle," interrupted Xena.
Gabrielle's breath caught. "No, Xena." She shook her head in an attempt to block any visions of Xena and Tapert in untoward sexual positions.
"You did not have a thing with that man in your sordid past."
"Even my standards were higher than that, Gabrielle," the warrior assured her. "The thing is, his wife looks just like me. He thought I was her."
"That's why he calls you Lucy..." realized the bard.
"Yes."
"But he knows a lot about us." Gabrielle added. "And Eve."
"Actually, Gabrielle, they all seem to know about us."
Gabrielle looked over at the group of misfits who were now huddled around Rudy as he prepared the fish that she had caught.
"Your exploits have always been legendary, Xena," stated the bard.
"Maybe the stories have reached as far as this island during our 25 year absence."
"Possibly," acknowledged Xena. "But this seems like more than 25 years into the future." She nodded toward Jenna. "For instance, her bathing suit is not made of natural fibers."
"Excuse me?" questioned the bard.
"I only noticed because it was important." Xena sighed inwardly as Gabrielle's eyebrow arched yet again. "A true warrior absorbs all pertinent information," she offered in her own defense.
"You could have just mentioned the people following us around with the little black boxes..."
Xena looked sheepishly at the nearby camera operator who shrugged and waved to her. "Oh yeah..."
"Aphrodite said that those boxes collect images and transmit them to people's homes."
"Surely that was her invention," laughed Xena. "What better way to force people to worship her than to project her image into their homes? Gotta love the ingenuity of the Goddess of Love."
"But Xena," Gabrielle reminded. "These boxes are collecting our image, not Aphrodite's."
"Maybe it's a new form of storytelling..." Xena said casually. "Like having a play performed right in your own home."
"You see!" the bard exclaimed. "It keeps coming back to stories!"
"Okay," Xena yielded to her companion's theory. "But if Big Red there," she motioned toward Tapert. "Is writing our 'story,' why does he continually keep putting himself in danger? I mean, if you or I don't kill him, Soozin will."
"You have a point," conceded Gabrielle.
"Of course," the warrior concluded. "Perhaps the manipulator of our story wants us to confront this man."
"To show him that he's misguided in his perception of us?"
"Could be," agreed Xena. "Then again, what does his perception of us matter in the long run?"
"That's a good question."
"Hey guys!" Colleen chirped as she approached them. "Am I interrupting anything?"
"Actually," Gabrielle said, "You're just the person I'd like to talk to."
"Coolness!" The co-ed plopped down on the sand in front of them. "What's up?"
"What do you know about that red-headed fellow?"
"Who? Mr. Tapert?"
"Yes, Tapert."
"Uh..." Colleen looked skyward for a second. "He's a guy..."
"What was that?!" Gabrielle interrupted.
"What was what?"
"You looked up. Like you were waiting for something to happen."
"What?" Colleen laughed uncomfortably. "Naw... I didn't do that."
"No, I saw it too," the warrior chimed in.
"W...w...w..." stuttered the frightened girl. "Why would I look to the sky for something to happen?"
"What's going on here, Colleen?" the bard asked sincerely.
The cutest castaway scrunched up her shoulders and nose in a great moral dilemma. It only took her half a second to decide if she were more afraid of the repercussions she would suffer from the luscious lovelies acting as puppeteers, Mezzo and godconnie, or from Xena, the deadly Warrior Princess.
"Just between the three of us..." Colleen whispered, "...there's a lot of crazy shit happening today." She checked over her shoulder to see if anyone was sneaking up on them. "Mr. T is the executive producer of a television show about... About the two of you."
"A television show?" asked Xena.
"Yes, we're on a television show right now, actually." Colleen nodded at the nearest camera. "Well, kinda..."
"Just like Aphrodite said," the bard pointed out.
"How can there be a show about us?" Xena questioned. "This is the first time we've ever had people following us around with those devices."
"Well, it's more complicated than that." Colleen replied. "Mr. T really does produce a show about your adventures. His wife, Lucy Lawless, portrays Xena, while the delectable Renee O'Connor plays Gabrielle. But this isn't one of his episodes. This is something altogether different."
"What is it?" Gabrielle insisted.
"It's a written story that combines fact and fantasy. It gives fictional characters like the two of you a substantive voice while placing real, live human beings, like us contestants, in fabricated situations; making us say and do things that we would probably never do in reality." Colleen spoke in less than a whisper now. "In fact, I'm not half as knowledgeable about XWP in real life as I am in this story."
"XWP?" asked Gabrielle.
"Xena: Warrior Princess," explained Colleen. "The television show that Mr. T produces."
"The show that's about us..." Xena was striving to understand Colleen's gibberish.
"Yep!"
"But this is not that show," said the warrior. "This is a story, written by..."
"The goddesses." Colleen quickly replied, afraid that the two fair maidens might appear at any moment.
"The same goddesses that made Mr. Tapert disappear earlier today?" asked Xena.
"One and the same."
"Why would they do such a thing?" the raven-haired beauty demanded.
"I honestly don't know."
"So..." Gabrielle broke in. "You're implying that this isn't reality?"
Colleen giggled. "It's total fiction."
"And we aren't real?" Gabrielle stated.
"Nope."
"Not even when we aren't part of this so-called story?"
"Not even then," Colleen confessed.
"We're just fictional characters from a... television show?"
"Yes."
"That's the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard!" Gabrielle yelled louder than she intended.
"Aw... Colleen's full of b.s., Miss Queen o'the Amazons!" offered Soozin from the mob, which had now gathered around the fire in order to watch the much-venerated frying of the fish. "In one ear and out the other, if ya know what I mean."
"Can you hear this, Soo?" Colleen pointed her middle finger toward the ground. "No? Well, let me turn it up for you!" She flipped the truck driver the bird.
"Yeah, that's original!" Soo dismissed the steaming student with a wave of her hand.
"Gods, she is so annoying!" Colleen said to no one in particular.
"You see..." Gabrielle said triumphantly. "This proves that we're not just characters in a story. I mean, what kind of bard would take the time to focus on a silly spat between two side characters? Especially when the plot was just beginning to thicken?"
Colleen shrugged. "I never said they were good writers. Besides, what makes you think we're the side characters?"
"Oh please!" the bard chortled. "The most boring day of our lives is one hundred times more interesting than anything the lot of you has done in the time we've been here."
The stunned co-ed looked to the warrior. "Is she always this sassy?"
Xena began to answer but noticed the bard's cocked eyebrow. It's safer to keep your mouth shut, Xena, she silently instructed herself.
"There is no way a bard could pull off such a convoluted and confusing story! It's just ridiculous!" The Amazon was on a roll. "This has definitely got to be the work of Ares! Only he would think up something this stupid!"
"I really don't think Ares has..." Colleen was cut off mid-sentence.
"I mean, only an idiot would tell their characters that they were just pawns in a story. That's literally begging for a revolt!"
"Only if the characters were written to revolt, Gabrielle," Xena said innocently.
The bard was boiling now. "So you believe what she's saying, Xena? You believe that we are fictional characters? That we don't have free will?"
"Hey, you were the one that suggested we were being manipulated by an enchanted scroll," the warrior pointed out.
"But this is so much more than that!" The bard made a gesture toward Colleen. "She's saying that we don't exist on any plane of reality!"
"Well, we do tend to find ourselves in the most outrageous situations..." Xena said matter-of-factly. "How many times have we died and come back now?"
"Xena! Listen to yourself! We are real! Flesh and blood, living, breathing human beings!" The veins on Gabrielle's forehead were threatening to burst. "This is a trick and I'm going to get to the bottom of it!"
"Calm down, Gabrielle," her worried partner warned.
"I'm so sorry," added the concerned co-ed. "I never would have told you this if I'd known it would upset you this much."
"Upset me?!" Gabrielle raged. "You tell me that I'm not real, that all of the pain I've endured over these past few years has been a figment of someone else's imagination, and expect me to accept it without question?"
"I just didn't think..." Colleen's voice trailed off in remorse.
"No, you didn't think!"
"Gabrielle," Xena said firmly. "You're going to cause yourself to have a stroke."
"That would require me to be real, Xena," the bard replied, regaining a bit of composure.
"You are real, love," the warrior assured her. "You're real to me and that's all that matters."
"Xena..." Gabrielle relented.
"It's all right." The stoic brunette pulled the shaken blonde to her.
Gabrielle relaxed as soon as she felt the warrior's heart beating almost as fast as hers. Colleen crawled quickly but quietly away from the two soulmates. "We'll get through this," Xena assured her. "We always do."
"Yeah," the bard murmured quietly.
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