~ The Fifth Amendment ~
Part 2a
by Mezzo and godconnie
Disclaimer: All characters from Xena: Warrior Princess are property of StudiosUSA and probably many other people who aren't us. This is an alternative fan fiction--Gabrielle and Xena are in love with no apologies.
Survivor is property of CBS and Mark Burnett. We have borrowed characters, both fictional and real. (and honestly, are any of the characters from Survivor 'real?' or are they figments of Mark Burnett and his editor's imagination?) from these television shows and, because this is a parody, we may not have always treated them kindly, but we truly wish no one involved any harm. This is a non-profit piece of fiction.
e-mail for Mezzo is vkellyian@compuserve.com. E-mail for godconnie is ariesscorpio@yahoo.com
******
Joxer had taken an instant liking to Joel. We have much in common, he thought. Both of us are well-built and handsome; blessed with athletic skill and a keen sense of our surroundings. He watched as Joel gulped with unmitigated fear at the sound of a twig breaking. He would make an excellent sidekick, he nodded affirmatively to himself.
Joxer, of course, was delusional.
Joel was filled with conflicting feelings of joy and dread as he and his newfound victim stepped onto the beach that lead to the four-star resort that housed the ex-castaways. He was thankful for the darkness that surrounded them. A few tourists strolled along the coastline and he kept a wary eye out for anyone who might recognize him.
"Why don't you take the lead for awhile, Joxer?" Joel offered. "We're heading for that building up there." He motioned toward the brightly lit hotel.
"This is where we'll find the lovely ladies?" Joxer asked as he marched ahead of his companion.
"Yes."
The bumbling Greek rubbed his hands together. "I can't wait to get a piece of this action!"
"It'll be like nothing you've ever experienced," Joel told him. "I can promise you that." His lips curled into a diabolic grin.
----------------------
Soozin was the last castaway to succumb to sleep. There had been a brief discussion as to Rich's whereabouts during dinner, but the majority of the castaways came to the quick conclusion that they didn't care where he had disappeared to; especially since Gabrielle seemed capable of feeding them. Soo, of course, figured that Rich was up to no good, but decided that the newest arrivals to Rattana were more of a threat to her winning the Survivor title than a fat, oft-naked, gay guy, so she elected to stay at the camp in order to keep an eye on the wounded warrior and the bad-ass bard.
Jenna had graciously donated her blanket to Xena and Gabrielle so that they could keep warm during the night. Both Colleen and Sean offered to share their cover with Jenna, who jumped at the chance to cuddle with the cute co-ed. Sean was only disappointed for as long as it took him to realize that two hot babes were going to be sleeping together right next to him. Life on the island didn't get much better than that.
Without discussion, both Gabrielle and Xena had chosen to feign sleep until the others were unconscious. In an uncharacteristic move, Xena was the first to break the silence.
"What are you thinking, Gabrielle?" she asked quietly.
The bard turned to look at her partner. "How did you know that I was awake?"
"From the way you were breathing."
"Of course."
Xena rolled onto her side to get a better view of her friend. "So what's going through your head?"
"To be honest," Gabrielle replied, "I've been hoping to find that someone had slipped me some henbane and not only had today been one major hallucination, but so had the past year. Or should I say, past 26 years?"
The warrior smiled. "Now that would be a most welcome revelation."
"You feel that way too?"
"Well," Xena answered, "I wouldn't want to give up having Eve..."
"Of course not," Gabrielle said sincerely.
"But the rest of it..." Xena paused as visions of the deaths of Eli and Joxer and more than half of the Greek Pantheon; of waking from an icy sleep to find that her baby daughter had been taken away from her forever; of splitting Gabrielle's skull open with her own chakram flashed before her eyes. "The rest of it I wish was a work of fiction. Though what kind of sick bastard would produce such trash is beyond me."
"I don't feel like a fictional character, Xena." Gabrielle whispered sadly.
The warrior reached over and began to gently play with the bard's earlobe. "You're as real as anything, Gabrielle. We both are."
"But sometimes it feels like we're different people," the Amazon stated. "I mean, deep down, we are always us, but sometimes..." She searched for the right words. "Sometimes I feel compelled to do things that are totally out of character."
"That's just human nature."
"No, Xena. It's deeper than that." She became even more reflective. "It happens to you too, you know."
"Me?"
"Yes."
"For example?"
"You have always had an antagonistic relationship with Ares," Gabrielle relayed after a moment's pause. "But lately it seems that you've begun to warm up to him."
"Warm up to him?" Xena repeated, unbelieving.
"Yes."
"That's ridiculous," the warrior scoffed.
"How do you think I've felt?" Gabrielle asked, a hint of sadness in her voice.
"Gabrielle..." the warrior smiled warmly. "Ares means nothing to me."
"You said you felt something for him in Amphipolis."
"I was teasing."
"You say that," the bard spoke honestly. "But I know you, Xena. Your attitude towards him has changed."
"He saved your life, Gabrielle. And Eve's."
"Only after causing our deaths." Gabrielle added. "And only because he knew it would put him in your good favor."
"Did you ever stop to think that he may have regrets about those actions?" asked Xena.
"No." Gabrielle replied firmly. "And neither would you prior to this past year."
"People change." The warrior stated. "Gods can too."
"If only you had been as open-minded when Hope was born," the bard stated wistfully.
Xena swallowed hard. "Gabrielle..."
"It's okay, Xena. I just want you to see how contradictory your behavior has been lately." Gabrielle sighed. "I mean, don't you ever feel like you're doing something that you would never, ever do?"
"I live in the moment, not in the past."
"And that's why you've forgiven yourself for the atrocities you committed before we met?" Gabrielle asked sarcastically, knowing full well that Xena still carried every ounce of guilt she'd ever accumulated. "Besides, your feelings toward Ares began to change long before he saved Eve and me."
"Maybe my so-called contradictory behavior was caused by my pregnancy," offered Xena. "Hormones can play havoc with a woman's emotions."
"The miracle pregnancy that you automatically deemed good as opposed to my miracle pregnancy that was automatically deemed evil?" Gabrielle was not so much angry as desperately trying to make her point. "You never even questioned Michael's god. You just accepted everything. Xena, Pawn of the Gods. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?" Her companion's expression was now unreadable. "That isn't like you, Xena. You have defied the gods your entire life. Since when do you do their dirty work?"
Xena remained still as a stone.
"Why have our lives taken a turn towards utter inconsistency?" the bard asked gently. "Hades, remember the time Joxer was cut by the poisoned sword of Apollo and I had to get him to the mandrake tree for the antidote? We got lost because I couldn't figure out which way was north!"
"You know which way is north, Gabrielle." Xena broke her silence. "You're an excellent tracker."
"That's my point." The bard exclaimed. "You and I have gone from one end of the spectrum to another and back in the blink of an eye. One week, I'm a more than competent fighter. The next week, some average foe has bested me within seconds and has a knife to my throat. Just like one week you're telling me that I'm the best thing in your life and the next week you're having erotic dreams about Ares."
"What?!"
"I'm not the only one that talks in her sleep, Xena."
A wave of remorse overcame the warrior. "Oh, Gabrielle. I'm so sorry."
"It's all right." The bard smiled. "Don't you see? It all makes sense now. Somehow, someone is trying to make us do things that are totally out of character. They are trying to destroy us. The real us."
"The real us?"
"We're too fabulous to be imaginary," concluded Gabrielle.
Xena smiled, relieved to hear her friend say what she knew in her heart to be true. "What's the plan then?"
"First, we're going to stick by each other no matter what." Gabrielle said. "No more lusting after bad boys..."
Xena cut her off. "That part is just for me, right?"
Gabrielle laughed. "Right."
"Thought so," grinned the warrior.
"Second," the bard continued. "Whenever we feel like we're doing something that we'd never do, we'll just think of each other and our life together. We'll remember our past and who we are and what we will and will not do."
"Stay true to ourselves."
"You're always so much more concise than me."
Xena shrugged slightly. "I have many skills."
"Yeah, yeah." Gabrielle smiled.
"What's third?" asked Xena.
"Third, we try to figure out who sent us here and why."
"How do you propose we do that?"
"Well, someone is sure to drop a clue eventually. You know how villains usually are... Sloppy." Gabrielle considered their situation. "Maybe we've already been given a lead..."
"Tapert?"
"No, something that Aphrodite said." The bard recalled. "She told me that I had to concentrate on that which was most important to me."
"And that is?"
Gabrielle chuckled softly. "You, silly."
Xena fell into thought for a moment. "Maybe the authors of this story aren't villains after all."
"No?"
"No," the warrior replied. "Maybe they're trying to help us."
Gabrielle pondered this notion. "I guess... You could be right."
"Maybe we just have to stay true to ourselves from now on."
"Could it be that simple?" asked the bard.
"Well, if it were that simple, we'd have been whisked back to Greece at this point, don't you think?"
"Yes, I suppose... But maybe we have to prove that we're going to stick to our resolve."
"Then prove it we shall," proclaimed the tired warrior.
Gabrielle gently wiped a strand of hair away from Xena's face. "But if I find out that Ares has something to do with this..."
"I know." Xena lay down on her back. "I'll hold him while you take out your aggression."
"Now that sounds like my Warrior Princess." Gabrielle beamed, resting her weary head on Xena's inviting shoulder.
-----------
For the first time in a long time, Joel rested comfortably in a real bed. His return to the resort went much easier than anticipated. Joxer proved to be the perfect diversion as he marched into the lounge area and broke into his Joxer the Mighty theme song (Meg's brothel version). So fixated on the warbling Greek were the stunned vacationers, Joel was able to sneak back to his room without another soul seeing him.
Joxer, on the other hand, hadn't fared so well.
"That oughtta hold him for awhile," said Gretchen as she stood back and admired her handiwork.
Joxer was buried in the sand; his head the only thing visible above the surface of the beach. Stacey and Ramona had graciously donated their cosmetic cases to Gretchen's cause as Sonja ran a 500-foot extension cord from the now empty cabana bar to their patch of punishment. It had taken barely 15 minutes for Gretchen to turn the warrior wannabe into a reasonable facsimile of Miss Tammy Faye Bakker after a three-day bender. His endless weeping only added to the effect.
"Stop crying, baby!" Stacey yelled at him. "Your mascara is running!"
"A girl can never wear too much blue eye shadow, you know." Sonja taunted.
"He makes Dame Edna and the Widow Twanky look like runway models for Isaac Mizrahi," quipped Ramona.
"Who?" The clueless Sonja and Stacey asked in unison.
"Karl Lagerfeld?" the chemist offered. Neither woman blinked. "Versace?" Still no hint of recognition in their eyes. "Jaclyn Smith?"
"Oh yeah!" laughed Stacey. "Kmart!"
"His eyelids are like two tiny blue light specials!" snorted Sonja.
"Bwahahaha!" Stacey rolled on the ground in hysterics.
Ramona, concerned for Stacey and Sonja's mental well-being, searched for some sign of sanity. She found it in Gretchen's arched eyebrow.
"Let's finish this and get out of here," said their fearless leader who was silently chastising herself for using the last of her duct tape to cover Joxer's mouth. "We might all be better off if I shut the two of them up," she admitted to herself. "To go one day without Stacey's incessant whining and Sonja's insipid versions of Kumbaya and Red River Valley would be like tasting the nectar of the gods..."
Not one to dwell on what could have been, Gretchen set to work on painting a bright red frown where Joxer's mouth should be. "We're going to leave you with some entertainment," she spoke directly to her captive as Ramona placed a pair of headphones over Joxer's ears.
"In a couple hours, the tide will come in and you will be electrocuted. If you're lucky, someone will find you before then," Gretchen stated matter-of-factly. She put a cap on the borrowed tube of lipstick that she was holding and stood. "Ramona? Would you?" she nodded toward the nearby boombox.
"It would be my pleasure," the chemist replied as she pushed the play and repeat buttons on the CD player. The volume was so high that strains of Phranc's version of I Enjoy Being a Girl emanated from the tiny speakers affixed to Joxer's head for all to hear.
"Do you really think he'll fry?" asked a suddenly concerned Sonja.
"Nah," Gretchen replied as they turned their backs on the petrified man in make-up. "The tide won't reach this far..."
"But..." Stacey began to complain.
"But he doesn't know that," Gretchen's lips twisted into a smirk that would make Callisto proud. "And anticipation is its own reward..."
"Huh?" Stacey said quietly.
Sonja shrugged and made a mental note to not piss Gretchen off as the four women headed back to the resort.
--------------
Rich found himself reclining next to a large, triangle-shaped swimming pool. He let out a sigh of relief and smiled, closing his eyes and basking in the warmth of the midday sun. His quiet reverie was broken by the feel of two strong, oil-covered hands gently massaging his left foot. Rich opened his eyes and blinked a few times, hoping the vision before him wasn't a mirage.
"G'day, mate," stated actor Russell Crowe. A light sheen of sweat graced his tan forehead. He was clad in full Gladiator gear. "I reckon your feet are fair tired following the walkabout you've been on." He rubbed a particularly sensitive part of Rich's foot.
"Oh God, yes!" The corporate trainer blurted. Russell's eyes twinkled with mischievous delight as he carried on with his ministrations.
"Would you like a drink, Richard?" asked an approaching Jon Bon Jovi. He was dressed in a pair of black lycra shorts and a mesh tank top.
"What?" Rich had only caught the last word of Jon's question, so enraptured was he by the touch of the Kiwi-born Crowe.
"Can I get you a drink?"
Rich's beauty-starved eyes swept hungrily over the singer's well-defined muscles. "Uh..."
"He don't want a drink," a swim trunk-wearing Brad Pitt laughed and patted Rich on the shoulder. "He wants to go swimming with the guys..."
"Dude, yeah!" cheered a Speedo-wearing Keanu Reeves, who covered his head instinctively as Brad did a cannonball into the pool next to where he stood.
Good gravy... thought Rich. I must have died and gone to Hunk Heaven. A warm stream of drool began to run down the side of his chin.
"Let me get that for you, my Lord," offered the Academy Award winning Crowe. No one was more surprised (or aroused) than Rich when the actor leaned forward and began lapping up the spittle with his tongue.
His tongue... Rich closed his eyes and sighed inwardly. His small... dry... quick... tongue... How peculiar...
The well-paid inspirational speaker felt as if his world was shifting around him. He opened his eyes slowly, the surrounding forest coming into focus. He blinked a few times and found that he was lying on the ground, the light of early dawn peeking through the trees above him. A large komodo dragon, perched firmly next to him on a flat rock, rhythmically flicked its tongue at the tiny sand fleas that had decided to make a home in his scruffy beard. Rich turned his head a fraction of an inch to come eye to eye with the offending creature.
"Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeee!!!" he squealed and jumped to his feet. The critter scurried away, its fear nearly matching that of the day it was assaulted by a rampaging Sharon Stone.
"Where the hell...?" Rich tried to get a bearing on his location as he looked around, scratching his flea-bitten chin. His hand moved unconsciously to the spot on his neck where a powerful tranquilizer had been injected hours earlier.
What's the last thing you remember, Rich? he wondered to himself. Following Colleen into the woods and then... And then what? He was at a total loss. Then visions of K-Y jelly flittered before his eyes and he remembered everything: Colleen, the strange snow...and Burnett.
Rich began to seethe at the Aussie's double cross. But like any good corporate consultant, he decided to follow the money. I need to remain calm. Burnett didn't know about Colleen and the snow or how Xena and Gabe got on the island.... Maybe Burnett is... is... fallible?
Rich gasped. Something...or someone...on the island had more power than Burnett!
"And if I want the money and Gabe... I've got to figure out who or what it is."
Rich headed deeper into the jungle.
-----------
The Survivor yacht pulled up to its secret port, readying for the day's reward challenge. Jeff Probst, the game show's host, motored to the shore in a small boat. He hopped out and took off into the thick foliage. Only the camera crew followed.
Probst was headed toward the Survivor camp when two long hands grabbed him from behind, delivering a quick nerve pinch that knocked him unconscious. Mezzo and godconnie stepped from behind the bushes as the cameramen scattered into the woods.
"OK, I'm gonna zap you," said Mezzo to godconnie.
"Zap me? What for? I thought you were going to be Probst."
"Can't. No dimples," said Mezzo. "Now, stand still and let me zap you." Mezzo reached into her back pocket where she kept a small notebook.
"What? You can't, like, zap some dimples onto yourself?" asked the
incredulous godconnie. "I don't want to be Probst. He's all…smarmy and hairy. I don't like him."
Probst began to regain consciousness. Mezzo rolled her eyes at godconnie and began scribbling in her notebook. Ropes and a gag suddenly appeared on the man. Mezzo turned her attention back to her fellow goddess.
"I haven't gotten far enough into my powers to conjure up dimples! They're complex and, well, I just can't do it," said Mezzo.
"You mean you don't want to do it. You don't want to be Probst," accused godconnie.
"Oh, please. I have green eyes. He has brown…like you. I don't have dimples. He has dimples…like you. Turning you into Probst is easier on my zapping powers," explained a surprisingly patient Mezzo who, indeed, had no wish to be Probst. "Besides," she added mischievously, switching into woo-the-Scorpio mode (as godconnie was born under the sign of Scorpio). "How could even a fabulous goddess like me re-create dimples like yours?"
"Well..." mused godconnie, turning to look at the gagged Probst. "You do have a point."
Mezzo rolled her eyes and muttered. "Scorpios. Just flatter their egos and…"
"What did you say?" asked godconnie, narrowing her eyes at Mezzo.
"Wormhole," said Mezzo. "I hope a wormhole doesn't open up and eat Probst. Now stand still."
Mezzo squinted, concentrated, scrunched and wiggled her fingers. She picked up her pen and began scribbling in the notebook. The fan fic goddess increased her writing speed until sparks flew out in jagged, green and purple streams of light that leapt from the paper to surround godconnie. In an instant, gc looked just like Probst.
"Mwafdafu?!" exclaimed a bug-eyed Probst from behind his gag.
godconnie looked down at her own body only to find it transformed.
"My breasts! They're gone!"
"Yes, but look on the bright side," Mezzo offered. "You've always wondered what it would be like to have abs of steel like ROC's and Probst's ain't that shabby."
godconnie lifted her shirt to verify Mezzo's claim. "Is that a treasure trail?" gc gasped upon seeing the line of hair leading from her bellybutton down into her trousers.
The green-eyed goddess suppressed a giggle. "Just wait until you see what it leads to."
"You didn't!" Dark eyes glared at her.
Mezzo shrugged, "I had to make you convincing."
"B...b...but..." the dimpled darling stammered. "Nobody's going to see me naked!"
"Hey, Probst is a red-blooded, American boy," the writer explained. "And you're going to be surrounded by beautiful women... Certain things must happen in order to maintain the illusion."
"Certain things must happen?" gc repeated. "What are you talk..."
Mezzo raised one perfect eyebrow as godconnie realized all too well what she was talking about.
"Oh nononononono!" the sultry Scorpio waved her hands in protest. "That is not going to happen!"
"How are you going to stop it?" Mezzo asked, thoroughly enjoying her fellow goddess' discomfort. "Especially when you look into those emerald eyes of the battlin' bard?" she teased.
A lone bead of sweat ran down gc's chiseled back. "Well, I whispered in her ear earlier and nothing happened."
"But Gabrielle was frozen then," Mezzo grinned. "And you weren't a man."
gc gulped. Hard.
"Go get 'em, tiger!" Mezzo slapped her apprehensive co-author on the rump.
"I will get you for this," the brown-eyed beauty said menacingly.
"Not if I finish the fanfic before you get the opportunity to retaliate," Mezzo taunted.
"Fat chance," gc grumbled as she walked away.
Mezzo's smile faded as godconnie disappeared from view. "I am in so much trouble."
"Mmmfff!!!" The real Probst struggled to call for help.
"Quiet!" shouted Mezzo. "Or I'll turn you from a rooster to a hen in no time flat!"
-----------
Over the years, Gabrielle had gotten used to rising with the sun. It was a rare occasion, however, that she would wake before her partner. Today had been one of those exceptional days. Knowing that the other camp inhabitants were incapable of finding their own food, she quietly made her way into the jungle. When she arrived back at camp an hour-and-a-half later holding two freshly killed wild pheasants by their necks, she noticed the Warrior Princess sitting apart from the others, polishing her chakram. Rob Tapert sat solemnly at the opposite end of camp, watching Xena's every move.
"No freakin' way!" Soozin blared when she spied the large birds dangling from the bard's strong hands. "Where in the hell did ya find those things?" she asked as Gabrielle came closer. "Hey, old man!" she yelled to Rudy. "Lookit what Blondie brought fer us!"
"Holy shit," the elderly sailor mumbled as he took the fowl from the Amazon. "Thanks."
"You're welcome," Gabrielle smiled adorably. Rudy felt his ancient homophobic walls begin to crumble.
What da hell's wrong wit me? he shook the thought from his head. "I don't care if ya are da cutest thing I ever did see," he said aloud. "I still ain't gonna acknowledge yer presence after we leave dis island."
Gabrielle wrinkled her brow as Rudy marched away. "Did I do something to offend him?" she asked Soozin.
"Naw..." Soo drawled. "He just don't like fags."
"Fags?"
"Oh, sorry. Queers." Soozin could be politically correct if she had to. Gabrielle was still at a loss. "Ya know..." Soo urged. "Gays, dykes, lezbos."
"Lesbos?" Finally a word the bard recognized. "You mean he doesn't like lesbians?"
"There ya go!" Soo said affirmatively.
"Why not?"
"Because homosexuality is an affront to God er somethin'," replied the truck driver.
Gabrielle snorted. "Oh please! Most of the gods I know sleep with their own siblings, regardless of gender!"
"Well, that might be the case in the screwed-up world you come from, honey, but we ain't in ancient Greece no more."
"No, I guess we aren't, are we?" Gabrielle became thoughtful. "So there are no lesbians in this world?"
"What do I look like, the host of some After School Special or somethin'?" complained Soo. "Yah, we still got folks who are queer and bi. It's just..."
"Bi?" the bard interrupted.
"Sexual. Attracted to both guys and gals."
"Oh."
"You Greeks sure don't know much about the different types of sexualities, do ya?" taunted Soo.
"I guess we never saw the need to categorize such things," the Amazon said honestly. "Love is love."
Soo chuckled. "You keep tellin' yourself that, Blondie."
Gabrielle was just about to launch into a lengthy debate that she was destined to win when she noticed Colleen and Kelly helping an unsteady Sean return to camp. The young man's swollen nose was bandaged and both eyes were black.
"What happened to him?" she asked.
"I gotta tell ya," Soo beamed. "It was a thing o' beauty. Ol' Dr. Sean asked your girlfriend if he could check the bump on her head."
"And?" Gabrielle couldn't believe that Xena would react so violently to such an innocent request.
"And then he offered to give her a breast exam."
Gabrielle glared at the injured man. Soozin could have sworn she heard a low growl coming from the bard.
"Gabrielle!" Xena called from her perch away from camp. The Amazon took a deep breath and released it, then went to her companion.
"Hey," said Xena.
"Hey," Gabrielle replied.
"My fist had a run-in with Sean's face."
"Mmm…" nodded the blonde as she sat next to her friend. "He's lucky I wasn't here."
Xena chuckled softly. "My little bad ass." Gabrielle blushed and elbowed the warrior. "That was quite the bounty you came back with, Gabrielle."
"I learned from the best."
"I wouldn't have thought that pheasants were indigenous to this particular environment."
"You're trying to apply logic to this place, Xena?"
"Oh yeah," the warrior smiled. "Still recovering from a head wound."
"You already used that excuse last night," the bard joked. "Come up with something different."
Xena shrugged. "The Island Goddesses made me say it." Her eyes twinkled with mischief.
"Ugh!" Gabrielle bellowed and buried her head in her hands, trying not to smile.
"Omigod!" Jenna yelped as she ran past the warrior women toward the castaways' living quarters. "Jeff is coming and my hair is a mess!"
Gabrielle looked up at Xena. "Jeff?"
"Just what we need," the dark-haired woman lamented. "Someone else to deal with."
----------
For the first time since they landed on the island, Xena and Gabrielle witnessed the Survivor contestants showing enthusiasm over something besides food.
Jenna, Kelly and Soo began fighting over who was going to run the Bowie knife through their hair first. Rudy abandoned his post at the Rattana kitchen and stood at attention. Sean stumbled around in an injury-induced stupor (though no one could tell the difference between this and his general, everyday stupor). Even Gervase joined the land of the conscious. The only person who maintained their relaxed manner was Colleen. She had long ago accepted the fact that she would never win a challenge and had ceased to care.
"Maybe we should go see what all the fuss is about," Xena suggested.
"I suppose..." Gabrielle reluctantly agreed.
godconnie, disguised as Jeff Probst, slowly approached the Survivor campsite. She was determined not to embarrass herself in front of her audience. "Just because I'm in a man's body, it doesn't mean I have no control," she thought. "Men aren't really slaves to their libidos, right?"
Just then, she got her first up-close-and-personal glimpse of the bard and warrior in motion as they came closer. Briefly holding her breath, she commanded herself to internally repeat the following, "Xena will kill me. Xena will kill me. Xena will kill me."
Jenna, barely covered by her pink bikini, bounded up to godconnie and angled her butt for better viewing.
"So, Jeff," Jenna said flirtatiously. "See anything you like?"
gc cleared her throat and concentrated on the numerous scabby flea bites covering the girl's thighs. "Uh, your butt is looking lovelier than ever, Jenna."
"You really think so?" Jenna began to cry. "Oh, Jeff. You don't know how much that means to me!" She wrapped her hands over gc's shoulder and began jumping up and down. godconnie closed her eyes and pictured a shirtless Ted Raimi.
"Get your stinkin' paws off him, Jenna!" Soo roared. "You ain't gettin' no special treatment just 'cause yer not ashamed ta shake yer titties in his face."
Jenna stopped her bouncing. She bit her lower lip and tried to hold back the tears. She was successful for a full five seconds - a record for her.
godconnie turned to face the crowd that had gathered around her.
"Listen up," she said in Probst's most professional voice. "It's time for today's reward challenge..."
"Excuse me," Gabrielle spoke as she and Xena made their way to the front of the group.
gc inwardly squealed like a frightened piglet. "Yes?"
"Can you explain what is going on here?" inquired the bard.
The fanfic author remembered that she was supposed to be surprised by the Greek women's presence. "Who are you?" She focused with all of her might on a small blemish that graced the blonde's chin.
"My name is Gabrielle," she said to the strange man who had yet to look her in the eye. "And this is Xena."
godconnie realized that she was coming off badly so she thrust her muscular arm out to embrace the even more muscular arm of Xena.
"The name is Probst. Jeff Probst." gc looked up into the bluest eyes she had ever seen. She began to drown in the cerulean pools.
"Oh God," gc squeaked as she felt an unfamiliar tightening in her khakis. I'm a Gab fan! she thought. Xena can't be having this kind of effect... gc lost all rational thought as their eyes connected again. She choked back her despair. "Could you excuse me for a moment?"
"Sure," the warrior replied suspiciously.
godconnie turned and ran into the nearby forest. Leaning against a tree, she began to pray to any god that would listen to save her from her testosterone hell.
"What's he doing, Xena?" the bard asked.
"I have no idea, Gabrielle, but something isn't quite right about him."
"Do you think it's Ares?"
"No," the warrior answered. "But he's not who he says he is."
"Probst is always sportin' a boner after talkin' to Jenna and Colleen," Soozin interjected. "He probably took one look at you guys and had to go jerk off."
"Ewwwwww!!!!!!" Colleen groaned and covered her eyes.
Jenna began to pout. "Poor, sweet Jeff," she thought. "I wonder if I should go help him out?"
A bewildered Gabrielle looked from Soo to her partner. "What language is she speaking, Xena?" the bard whispered.
Xena shook her head. "No clue."
"Probst is a pansy!" grumbled Rudy.
Tapert, who had been eerily quiet all morning, turned to the ex-Navy Seal. "I like you."
Rudy sneered. "Don't tell me you go both ways too."
"What?!" Tapert was aghast.
"Someone shoot me now," the elderly man said to no one in particular.
"Anybody got a gun?" Colleen quizzed the surrounding camera crew.
- - - - - - -
"Oh please!" godconnie gently pounded her forehead against the rough bark and begged for some divine intervention.
"Take a chill pill, Dimples!" the Goddess of Love chided from behind. "You act as if you've never been a man before!"
"What?!" gc twirled to see the scantily clad vision. "I never have been a man before!"
Aphrodite chuckled. "That's right!" She waved a delicate hand at gc. "You mortals never remember your past lives!"
"Did ancient Greeks even believe in reincarnation?" the beffudled fanfic writer asked herself.
"Who are you calling 'ancient,' Stud?" pouted the offended goddess.
"Not you, of course." gc covered her faux pas nicely.
Aphrodite's face lit up with a gigantic smile. "Didn't think so, Handsome." She crinkled her nose and twinkled her eyes in a seductive manner.
godconnie stopped breathing for a moment.
"Uh..." gc said as her lungs began to fill again. "Could you maybe try to be less...s...s...sexy?"
The jungle rang with the most glorious laughter that ever existed.
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" Aphrodite grabbed her side and doubled over. "Who knew that laughter could be so painful?"
"Wait," gc said with concern. "Gods don't feel pain."
"Ow," the goddess straightened up. "Yeah, you're right." She stretched her arms and leaned from side to side. "What's that about?"
"I don't know."
"What do you mean, you don't know?" Aphrodite questioned. "You're writing this!"
"Yeah, but I'd never want to hurt you," gc said shyly. "You're the Goddess of Love and all."
"So sweet," the goddess smiled. "Well then, what gives?"
godconnie had a thought. "What if you're losing your powers? I mean, Ares is mortal now, right?" She appeared to be wrestling with some kind of twisted RenPics-like logic. "Does your world really need love now that war has been eradicated?"
Aphrodite's eyes grew wide. "You have got to be kidding me!" She shouted in disbelief. "The world will always need love!!!"
"Okay! Okay!" the writer acquiesced. "Sorry."
"Jeez Louise," the goddess began to pace. "Don't freak me out like that, okay?"
"I'm not trying to upset you, Aphrodite, but something is certainly amiss," godconnie said seriously. "I mean... Maybe you should do something to prove that you've still got it."
"Oh, I've got it all right!"
"If you say so..."
Aphrodite stopped in her tracks. "Listen, Little Miss Smartypants..." She put her hands on her shapely hips. "I can handle anything your mortal imagination can come up with!"
"You think so?" A plan began to take shape in the writer's mind.
"Name your poison," the goddess commanded.
"Seriously?" gc scuffed the ground with her foot and lowered her gaze.
"Oh, don't play coy with me now," the blonde said, shaking her head.
"Could you change the lower half of my body back to that of a female?" the Scorpio asked meekly.
"Whatever floats your boat," Aphrodite nodded and part of gc's body became hers again. "Weirdo," the goddess mumbled under her breath.
"I heard that."
"Whatever..." Aphrodite made a 'W' with her fingers.
"Ah..." gc did a tiny wiggle dance and sighed happily, moderately comfortable again. "Sweet relief."
"So," Aphrodite interrupted. "Do I still have it or what?"
"It appears that you do," the writer responded. "Still, that doesn't explain why your side was aching."
"This is true," the blonde agreed.
"Are you sure it's not possible that someone is tapping into your powers?" godconnie asked. "Leeching off of you in this time of Olympian weakness?"
"What kind of person would do such a thing?"
"Oh my god!" gc proclaimed, having a revelation. "What if it's the Archangel Michael and his giant shaft of light?!" She began to speak quickly. "He could have easily suckered some poor, innocent sap into doing some weird mojo on you! I mean, if he can convince the Warrior Princess to become his religious assassin, he could pretty much talk anyone into doing just about anything, right?"
"Whoa there, cowgirl!" Aphrodite requested. "Back up a bit. Who is this Michael and just how big is his shaft?" she asked, half concerned, half turned on.
"What?" the writer had been lost in thought. "Oh, Michael is the head lackey for Eli's God of Love."
"God of LOVE?!!!" the goddess fumed. "That's what he calls himself?"
"It's what the Elijians call him," confirmed gc.
"Oooooooooooooooh..." the goddess whined and stomped her foot. "Could my summer get any worse?"
"Hey," the writer stated cautiously. "You don't think Michael got to Mezzo, do you?"
"What would make you suggest that?"
"Well, she's been boasting about her burgeoning zapping powers," the dark-haired woman explained. "She's the one that turned me into Probst."
"Ouch!" the goddess said in disgust. "She did this to you?"
godconnie nodded. "At first, I attributed her newfound powers to her Willow Rosenberg fixation..."
"Willow!" Aphrodite broke in with a happy squeal. "Aren't she and Tara just the cutest?"
"Adorable," godconnie agreed.
"Joss is awesome!" the goddess chirped.
"You're preaching to the choir, sister!"
"I hope he pens another Aliens script," Aphrodite continued. "I'm dying to see Sigourney and Winona get it on!"
"You and me both..." gc stopped. "Hey, wait a minute. We're supposed to be talking about Mezzo and her magic spells."
"My bad!" the goddess shrugged.
"Aren't you the least bit concerned about what's going on?"
"I'm definintely not liking this whole pain thing," Aphrodited admitted. "And I am so not down with the concept of a self-proclaimed God of Love. But... I really don't think Mezzo would do anything to hurt me."
"What if she's been touched by Michael's shaft?"
Aphrodite raised one eyebrow and paused for effect. "Do you honestly think that Mezzo would let any guy's shaft get near her?" she deadpanned.
"You have a point there."
"You might be right about her wanting to be the next Big Bad, but I just don't see her using her powers for evil."
"Hello?!!!" gc thrust her arms out. "She turned me into Jeff 'Anal' Probst!!!"
Aphrodite cringed. "That is pretty vile," she agreed. "Did she explain why she did it?"
"Something about us needing to do damage control during the reward challenge. She thought Probst would be the best instrument for that. She then claimed it would be easier to transform me because I already have brown eyes and dimples."
"Sucker!" laughed Aphrodite.
godconnie snarled.
"I could change you back if you want," the goddess quickly offered.
"I wish you could," gc looked back at the antsy castaways who were pacing up and down the beach. "But I still have a job to do."
"So dedicated," the blonde put an appreciative hand on Faux-Probst's shoulder.
Suddenly, there was a gleam in the fanfic author's eye. "Is there any way we could give Mezzo a dose of her own medicine?"
"That depends on what you have in mind," said the equitable goddess.
"Would you change part of her anatomy?" asked a hopeful gc.
The goddess threw her head back and sighed. "Can't you think of something more original?"
"But this is the perfect way to get even," the writer begged. "Plus, it'll guarantee that she never messes with me again."
"Fine," the blonde gave in. "What do you want me to do? Oh! I know! I could make her the first female Centaur!"
"Ick!" godconnie shook her head. "Centaurs give me the creeps!"
"What about a mermaid?" the goddess questioned. "Mermaids aren't creepy."
"No, but the mere thought of them causes me to have flashbacks to Married With Fishsticks." gc shivered. "Please don't make me go there again."
"You're right." Even Aphrodite hated that particular moment in time. "Sorry. What would you suggest then?"
"Well..." gc said in a conspiratorial manner. "Mezzo has this thing about Ares' boobies."
"Exsqueeze me?"
"She thinks they are too fleshy, too hairy," the writer explained. "They make her want to retch."
"What is she, nuts?" the blonde bombshell asked, disbelieving. "I mean, I know he's my bro and all, but he is fine with a capital 'F'!"
"Some people just don't appreciate true beauty," stated gc.
"The horror!"
"I know," the dark-haired woman said sympathetically. "Maybe we could teach her a lesson or two?"
The goddess nodded. "One fleshy, hairy-chested fanfic writer coming up!" She began to snap her fingers, an act that would cause her to vanish.
"Aphrodite!" gc yelled before the goddess could disappear.
"Yes?"
"Thank you," the writer said sincerely. "And be careful."
The goddess smiled. "Always, Cutie." And, with a wink and a snap, Aphrodite was gone.
Fifteen seconds later, the island reverberated with Mezzo's tortured howl.
"Heh," godconnie chuckled. "Score one for the Scorpio."
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