~ The Fifth Amendment ~
Part 4a
by Mezzo and godconnie
Disclaimer: All characters from Xena: Warrior Princess are property of StudiosUSA and probably many other people who aren't us. This is an alternative fan fiction--Gabrielle and Xena are in love with no apologies.
Survivor is property of CBS and Mark Burnett. We have borrowed characters, both fictional and real. (and honestly, are any of the characters from Survivor 'real?' or are they figments of Mark Burnett and his editor's imagination?) from these television shows and, because this is a parody, we may not have always treated them kindly, but we truly wish no one involved any harm. This is a non-profit piece of fiction.
e-mail for Mezzo is vkellyian@compuserve.com. E-mail for godconnie is ariesscorpio@yahoo.com
******
"What's Fifth-usia?" asked the Survivor producer, focusing on the task at hand. He decided to worry about Probst later.
"Fifth-usia is a song and dance world they created just for Tahhhpert, Xena and Gabrielle…and me. The goddesses sent us there in our sleep. They're making people learn lessons…and fixing something. When they're done, everyone: Gabrielle, Xener and Tahhhpert will all leave and I can get back to trying to win the Survivor contest. That was the pact," replied Soozin dreamily.
"Ahhh," said Burnett as he remembered his conversation with Gabrielle. Things were falling in place.
"Have Xena and Gabrielle learned their lesson yet?"
"Yah. They learned their lesson right away. But Tahhhpert's the hold-up now."
"Tapert?"
"Tahhhpert has to learn a lesson as well…and be tortured. I was supposed to help but he's just so stoopid that I left. Besides that place was really creeping me out. I had to sing and dance and," -sigh- "Kelly wasn't around."
Burnett didn't know which was worse: Soozin singing and dancing or the thought of Kelly and Soozin together. The producer shuddered.
"What lesson is Tahhhpert…er…Tapert supposed to learn?" queried Burnett.
"Tahhhhpert must realize that Xena and Gabrielle are in love. He has to fix the problems he created in the fifth season of Xena: Warrior Princess," responded Soozin serenely.
"Good LORD!" exclaimed Burnett. "He'll never figure that out." The producer panicked. "Survivor is ruined!!!"
The Survivor Techno Geeks looked at each other worriedly. They had never seen their boss lose control like this.
"There has to be a way out of this…" Burnett's mind ran around like a rat in a complicated maze.
"Oh, for heaven's sakes," squealed the rat from Soozin's hair. "Get rid of Xena and Gabrielle and the Island Goddesses will go."
"Yessssss. But how to do that?" said Burnett rhetorically.
"I don't know. You're supposed to be the 'power that be,'" the rat exclaimed.
A happy grin slowly spread across the producer's face. He called over a Survivor technician and whispered in her ear. The woman nodded and ran out of the control room.
"We need to get Xena and Gabrielle out of the way," said Burnett. "We're going to take on the Island Goddesses to save Survivor."
"That's brilliant, boss!" exclaimed one of the geeks.
The rat sighed. "I never get the credit I deserve."
But one of the Techno Geeks blanched at Burnett's words. He remembered full well the snow in the control room and the fear at the sound of the strange laughter.
"Sir, how can we possibly defeat the Island Goddesses?" the geek whimpered. "They seem to have immense power. We all saw what they did with Rich and the snow. Their technology must be amazing!" he finished in awe.
"It's not technology. It's love," noted the pony-tailed Techno Geek, who had dabbled in a bit of Janice and Mel fanfic in the past. "Their love of the show Xena: Warrior Princess has given them access to immense power. Love conquers all."
"Don't be silly, mate," said Burnett. "Money and power conquers all…and I've got tons of both."
The Survivor technician ran back into the control room waving a map above her head.
"I've found them, sir. I've found the Island Goddesses," she said triumphantly. She laid the map out on a large table. "I don't know why we didn't see this before! Here. In the Forbidden Caves. There's a huge energy level showing on our sensors. It's like nothing I've ever seen. It has to be them."
"Eeeeexxxccceelllleeent," whispered Burnett, losing his cheery demeanor for a moment. "And you did that so quickly!"
"It gets better, sir," the technician indicated different areas on the map. "There are fluctuations in their power grid here…and here."
"What does that mean?" queried Burnett.
"It means their power source is taxing out and weakening."
"So we can wait them out and they'll just self-destruct?" said the producer hopefully.
"Yes, sir. Although their power won't collapse for weeks, maybe even months."
Burnett punched his fist into his hand. "We don't HAVE weeks or months. They'll ruin the show!"
"But, boss, we can use this information to identify the neutron and positron make-up of their energy. We may be able to use that to our advantage."
"Yesssss," said Burnett gleefully embracing his 'get out of Island Goddess jail free' card.
He turned to address his brigade of Techno Geeks. "The Island Goddess' power is weakening. And what better way to help them self-destruct than to arrange a meeting between the 'goddesses' and Xena and Gabrielle?"
Burnett turned to look at the screen and smiled, "Those manipulative she-gods may have started all this. But I'm going to finish it. We'll see who is the 'higher power.'"
"Yeah, what's stronger: love or backstabbing, self-centered, money-grubbing producer greed," grumbled the pony-tailed techno geek.
"Thanks, mate," said Burnett. "I'm glad you've come 'round to the Survivor Way."
"Keeeelllllyyyy," interrupted Soozin.
"Is she still here?" asked Burnett. He motioned to the guards. "Give her a shot to make her forget this interaction and get her back to the Survivors. The guards nodded and dragged the slumbering truck driver from the room.
"You!" Burnett pointed at a technician. "Call up Survivor Techno Brigade 1 and have them meet me at the Techno Command Center."
Burnett strode toward a small, non-descript door. The Survivor producer stopped to take one look back to the control room screen that was now displaying a shot of the sleeping Gabrielle. He sighed heavily. He was loathe to give up having such an incredibly gorgeous creature on his show.
"But it's for the greater good, love," smiled Burnett, rubbing his hands together expectantly. "The greater-reality show-line-my-pockets-with-millions-of-dollars-good."
The producer disappeared through the door. A sign on the door read Special Survivor Techno Gadget Services.
------
Back in Fifth-usia, Tapert was still struggling to pull the knife out of the tree when Colleen materialized out of thin air behind the executive.
"Whooooaaaah, bad trip…or good trip?!" exclaimed the co-ed. Tapert yelped and spun around.
"Oh, it's you," he said with a look of obvious relief on his face. Then he frowned.
"What, they couldn't have sent Gretchen? She's uglier than me. I'd be safe with her around. Or better yet, why couldn't they send some good-looking straight men? I bet they could get me off this island and out of this nightmare," the executive crabbed.
Colleen decided to ignore the executive's hormonal-driven outburst.
"Mr. T…where are we?" asked the adorable brunette, looking around her.
Tapert sighed and whispered. "Fifth-usia."
"Fifth…" began the co-ed loudly when Tapert clamped his hand over Colleen's mouth.
"Shhh. Don't say it too loud," the executive said furtively. "You might get them singing again," Tapert shuddered.
Colleen giggled. "Fifth-usia," she whispered. "Is that some clever pun on Illusia from third season's The Bitter Suite episode?"
"I wouldn't call it clever," muttered Tapert as he once more tried to remove the knife from the tree with no success.
Colleen reached over and grabbed the handle of the knife and pulled it free.
"Like buttah," said the adorable Survivor.
"What is this...pick on Tapert week or something?" whined the pregnant executive.
"Well....um....it's more like you need to learn a lesson." said Colleen.
"What lesson? I haven't learned anything yet on this stupid island or in this stupid dream," Tapert bitched.
"You do seem kind of slow on the uptake," murmured Colleen. "Maybe out and out fan-delivered cathartic revenge is the only answer."
"Fans? Are there fans here as well?" whispered a frightened Tapert.
Colleen winked and Tapert and smiled. "The fans are everywhere, T-Man."
The co-ed was distracted as she noticed a piece of paper on the end of the knife. Colleen pulled the paper off and unrolled it. An amorphous cloud of purple slowly wafted up from the paper and floated over to a nearby clearing. The purple mass grew larger, nearly the size of a small house, and began to whirl and spin for awhile before dissipating, leaving behind a completely equipped sound stage. There were guitars, basses, keyboards, mikes, monitors, Marshall stacks, stage lights and even fog machines.
Colleen looked at the stage, her eyes wide with wonder.
"What are youse guys up to now?" she whispered.
"Is there anything else on the paper?" interrupted Tapert who didn't seem at all perplexed by the sudden appearance of a fully equipped sound stage.
Colleen looked down to see words on the paper. She read aloud:
Fifth Season saw our grrrls torn asunder
Each episode filled with more and more blunders
No love and no joy
Just week after week of boy toys
But where is the creativity and entertainment, the truth, oh executive Tapert?
Do you have the guts to find out...you red-headed squirt?
With the real Xena do you have any true clout?
We dare you to join this musical bout
Fifth-usia's Battle of the Bands!
Who does she love and care for the least?
Boys...girls....with your twisted sense of 'drama,' maybe even beasts?
We'll pick our hero, and you pick yours
But the warrior princess, she decides
Upon her judgement, this fan fic and your freedom rides.
"This is my chance!" Tapert said excitedly to Colleen. "I just need to prove my fifth-season creative superiority in song and possibly interpretive dance. Did you see Lyre, Lyre Hearts on Fire...."
"You mean the episode where Gabrielle, after four years of showing absolutely no romantic interest in Joxer unless under a spell, was suddenly jealous of Joxer's Amazon biker chick…the episode where a pregnant Xena rapped...and badly...that 'classic' episode?" asked Colleen.
"Lyre, Lyre was a stroke of creative genius… my creative genius. I'm a shoe-in to win this," replied the executive testily.
Tapert raised his fist into the air. "I accept your challenge of the Fifth-usia Battle of the Bands!"
And suddenly, a wide-awake and unhappy Xena appeared. The warrior looked around.
"Good grief, I hope she didn't hear me dissin' her rap abilities," said a startled Colleen.
"OK, now I'm MAD!" Xena yelled. "You Island Goddesses better get your fan fic asses out here and now," the talk, dark and deadly brunette roared into the skies.
Xena whirled around looking for signs of the goddesses. Her hand moved to her back, unsheathing her sword.
"Take it easy there, Warrior Princess," said Colleen. Xena spun around, her eyes widening as she saw the co-ed and Tapert.
Colleen held her hands up in surrender. "Check the phallic symbol, OK?"
Xena glared at the girl, but put her sword away. Tapert stepped forward, a look of adoration and hope on his face.
"Hi, Xena," he said shyly. "How are you?"
Xena's back stiffened. She felt a sudden urge to squash the executive like a bug. She didn't have time for this man and his delusions right now...which were prominently displayed on the shirt he was wearing that still read Xena's Love Child On Board. But last time she had seen Tapert, he had been with Gabrielle and Xena didn't see the bard anywhere near.
"Where's Gabrielle?" the dark brunette asked worriedly, her frustration with the Island Goddesses moved to the back warrior burner.
Tapert rolled his eyes and threw his hands up in the air. "Gabrielle, Gabrielle, Gabrielle!" he complained.
"Now you're getting it, Mr. T!" smiled Colleen. "Maybe we can avoid this Battle of the Bands with the right attitude."
"Where. Is. Gabrielle," the warrior asked the executive pointedly, blue eyes narrowing dangerously, a long, strong, itchy finger now on her chakram latch.
The executive gulped. "I..she...I don't know. She was watching me, being all goody-two-shoes. I fell asleep and woke up here. I haven't seen her since I got to this place," the executive finished in a worried rush, eyeing Xena warily.
The warrior mulled over kicking Tapert around just for the fun of it. But he was pregnant. Xena sighed. Her Gab Radar told her that her bard was safe and that, indeed, none of them were in imminent danger...at least not from physical harm. Although Xena was beginning to believe that the Island Goddesses were trying to frustrate her to death.
Tall, dark and deadly strode over to the brunette Survivor, who always seemed ready with the answers.
"Colleen, what's going on?"
"We're in Fifth-usia," the co-ed said cheerfully. Xena frowned, trying to understand the strange word.
"It's like Illusia," clarified Colleen.
"I don't hear any music," said Xena testily.
"Oh, I've heard it. I've already suffered through one song and a badly-rhymed challenge," said Tapert, absently rubbing his stomach. "Man, this kid is kicking like a soccer player."
"There's gonna be a Battle of the Bands...and you're the judge," added Colleen.
"Why am I the judge?!" said an exasperated warrior.
"Cause the 'Island Goddesses,'" Tapert drew quotes in the air and rolled his eyes, "won't listen to me. This gives me a chance to prove to them…and you, Xena…that you and Gabrielle are just friends."
"Gabrielle and I are just friends?!" exclaimed Xena. "Are you nuts, Tapert?" She looked to the skies in an attempt to communicate with the Island Goddesses. "Why don't you just ask me?"
"I don't think it's you who needs the convincing," bubbled Colleen, darting her eyes at Tapert. "Besides, he fell asleep and woke up here, and so did we. This must be some sort of dream place and we're probably stuck until the Island Goddesses wake us up."
The magical piece of paper in the co-ed's hands began buzzing loudly as a flurry of small, red lights lit up the edges of the paper.
"Our table's ready," giggled the sweet brunette. Colleen noticed Xena and Tapert staring at her strangely.
"Um, sorry. New words on the paper here. It says, Mr. T., that you're supposed to think of who you want to champion your cause in the Battle of the Bands. Who is your Chosen One?"
"That's so easy," said Tapert, who squinched his eyes tightly, the tip of his tongue sticking out as he concentrated.
There was a large flash of light. Xena, Tapert and Colleen blinked furiously at the brightness. They then turned toward where the light had flashed to see three figures in the distance riding toward them on what appeared to be a giant seashell.
"Right on time," smiled Tapert.
Colleen looked to the skies "Youse guys sure like fancy entrances."
"Who now?" growled the Warrior Princess.
"It's a surprise that's going to help me win the Battle of the Bands," said the television executive proudly. "You'll see, Xena. You'll see the truth and then we can all get off this island and I can get back to producing the sixth season of Xena: Warrior Princess. And, um, by the way, you and I need to discuss this baby and child support."
"That is not my baby," Xena said angrily.
"Rob Tapert is not her lover," burst Colleen into song with complete orchestral back-up as she began dancing.
Xena was startled, not so much by the words and music as by the brunette's dance moves. It seemed as if the Survivor was gliding backwards while she danced. The ground underneath Colleen's feet lit up with small squares of bright, white light as she moved.
"He's just a guy...who says that Xena's the one..." Colleen stopped, thrust a hip out and pointed at Xena. "But that babe is not her child..." A choir of violins flurried down a scale.
"That's the worst pre-plastic-surgery-Michael-Jackson impersonation I've ever seen," sniffed Tapert.
Colleen shrugged. "Sorry. Don't know what came over me. I guess it was meant to break the tension...or act as some kind of bizarre segue..."
The trio heard a low rumbling coming from the ground. They turned to see that the flying sea-shell was approaching fast. Too fast. Xena grabbed hold of Tapert and Colleen and was about to leap out of the way when the sea-shell came to a sudden halt. There were yelps of surprise as the three figures were vaulted head over heels off the sea-shell and rolled to a painful stop in a pile of arms, legs, and luscious butts.
"Hey! No fair damaging my Chosen One," crabbed Tapert.
The pile of humans disentangled and picked themselves off the ground, brushing the dirt from their clothes. The stage lights flickered on.
Xena's eyes widened in recognition. She turned her back on the trio and attempted to shield her face. Colleen noticed the warrior's sudden discomfort.
"You're not very good at being nonchalant," laughed the Survivor. Xena scowled.
"Just what the genius television executive ordered: Borias, Antony…and Ares!" exclaimed a very happy Tapert. "Good looking, straight men…I am SO winning this contest."
"We're here for the Battle of the Bands, dude," said Antony whose pretty-boy brown eyes betrayed a Keanu Reeves-like vacuousness.
"We're here to win the Battle of the Bands," interrupted Ares who wasn't exactly sure how he got here or how he even knew about the Battle of the Bands. But it looked like it would involve some face time with Xena. He looked around and grinned. Bonus, the irritating blonde is nowhere in sight.
Tapert rushed on-stage as quickly as his swollen stomach would allow, shaking each man's hand.
"I'm so glad you're here," he exclaimed. "I've got a great idea for a song. I mean, in order to win we've gotta have the best songs that will woo Xena back…not that she really ever left because she's straight, after all.
"Vhat is wrrrrrong vit yourrr stomaaach," Borias interrupted in his Rocky and Bullwinkle fake Russian drawl.
"Moose and squirrel," giggled Colleen.
"What's it look like? I'm pregnant," replied Tapert, pointing to his wordy t-shirt.
"Dude, when's that muffin gonna pop?" asked Antony who was not the brightest bulb in the Xena Boy Toy constellation.
"Let's back up here," Ares snorted at the Roman's question. "How can you even BE pregnant. You're a guy."
Tapert sighed. "Look. Hot, naked sex. With Xena..."
"We didn't have sex!!" interrupted Xena from off-stage.
The three stud muffins noticed the frustrated, dark warrior. They all began flexing and winking at Xena in an attempt to get her attention.
Tapert actually had the audacity to ignore the Warrior Princess as he continued. "...Magical island... Island Goddesses.... yadda-yadda-yadda…. pregnant."
"Goddesses?" Ares ears perked up mid bicep curl.
"Ahhh, it vas Xeeenah," said Borias. "Figures."
"I knew she had some cajones on her...but, like, wow," said Antony.
My interactions with Xena have a tendency to be strange, but something even weirder than usual is happening here, thought Ares who wondered if these Island Goddesses knew where there was some ambrosia. Being mortal sucks. Since losing my godhood, I've actually had to lift things and run in order to keep this magnificent body in shape.
Impatiently, Tapert attempted to get the he-studs back on track.
"I'm a television executive producer of a famous, culturally significant and money-making television show," he began imperiously.
"Is that important?" asked Antony, his head cocked to the side like a cute puppy.
"Of course it is. I'm powerful. Talented. Creative. I brought you all here to this place as my Chosen One to help me win the Battle of the Bands. We have to prove to the fans, the Island Goddesses...to everyone...that Xena's straight...that she likes guys and that the fifth season was the best season ever."
"Fifth season?" asked Ares.
"Um...for Antony, it covers the time that he and Xena met. For you, Ares, it's the time between Xena's pregnancy and the twilight of the Olympian gods…about 26 years," Tapert patiently explained.
Antony gazed at Tapert blankly. He couldn't even muster up enough thought to be confused by the odd timeline.
"Wellll, I can't say that was the most fun I've ever had," deadpanned Ares. "How 'bout you, Antony?"
"How do you think Xena got this guy pregnant," smiled Antony, doing his best dumb blonde impersonation.
"It was a great time, Ares! You got to kiss Xena...a lot," pointed out Tapert.
"That's true," nodded Ares.
Tapert smiled and clapped Antony and Ares on their gigantic, muscular, studly shoulders. "Now let's get to it, whaddaya say?"
The handsome trio looked at each other.
"It cahhhn't hurrt, I suppose," shrugged Borias.
"Could be fun," said Antony who was hoping for a chance to get close to Xena again.
Ares was unhappy with the situation, but he decided he would play along with this Battle of the Bands…for now. The dark stud nodded his agreement.
The men huddled with their newfound, red-haired friend.
Colleen rolled her eyes. "Tapert's planning his own doom and he doesn't even know it," she said to Xena.
"All of this is the work of the Island Goddesses and they are on my very last nerve," began Xena angrily. She paused, calmed herself and sighed. "But until they show themselves, we're stuck. If we could just find them."
"It might not be so bad, maybe we'll hear some good music," said the co-ed. "Try to relax."
"'Relax' is not in my vocabulary. I'm a woman of action, Colleen," said Xena edgily.
"You could actively heckle the band," smiled the Survivor.
Xena still couldn't quite believe her eyes at seeing this particular group of men on stage.
"If Gabrielle were to see this band I'd be one lonely Warrior Princess," said Xena.
"Well, Murphy's Law and Fan Fiction Writing 101 dictate that Gabrielle will show up at the most inopportune moment," shrugged the co-ed.
"I don't know how much more 'inopportune' it can get than Borias, Anthony and Ares all on one stage," replied Xena.
I'm sure the Island Goddesses will think of something, thought Colleen, glancing about for a sign of the beautiful women.
Colleen and Xena were distracted by Tapert who was showing dance moves to the bicep-bulging testosterone trilogy. Colleen giggled as the executive managed to do a fairly good job dancing despite his state of extreme pregnancy.
"Who would've figured Tapert for having any kind of rhythm," murmured the co-ed to Xena. Despite the uncomfortable situation, the Warrior Princess managed to crack a smile at Colleen's comment.
Tapert finished his consultation with the studly threesome and stepped off-stage. He looked to the skies.
"OK…um…hit it…I guess."
A disco groove with a gospel inflection began to play from the stage speakers. The handsome trio stepped to the microphones and began to bump and grind to the music.
And the boy band from hell began to sing.
It's Raining Men V
(to, oddly enough, It's Raining Men)
Hi-Hi! We're the Xena Boys - ah-huh
And have we got news for you - You better listen!
Get ready, all you subtext fans
Xena left her umbrella at home -Alright-
Heterosex's rising
grrrrl love and subtext's a no-show
According to fifth season
Straight sex's the way to go
Cos Xena ain't no dyke-con
She's just Gab's goo-ood friend
You just boot their love to the curb
It's gonna start raining men.
It's Raining Men!
Heterosex-jah! Xena's no dyke! She likes men!
Who needs true love?!
When You've Got Us! You Just Need Good Looks. And a Man!
Xena and Colleen simply stared, jaws on the floor, eyes wide in horror.
"Yeah, babies, swing it!" hooted Tapert from off-stage.
The song's hypnotic, funk-a-move beat began to take the red-haired executive over. He boogied back on-stage and began singing into the mike along-side Borias. During the bridge, Tapert pulled a Donna Summers from Last Dance, shoving Borias out of the way and grabbing the microphone. The surprised former warlord tripped and fell on his ass…promptly disintegrating in a cloud of glitter.
Antony's eyebrows shot up towards the sky.
"Dude...where'd ya go?" he asked, whirling around and around in a circle like a dog chasing his tail as he tried to locate Borias.
Ares eyes' lit up like a light bulb was shining above his head...an evil light bulb...and the former God of War smiled.
Xena breathed a sigh of relief. "They're not real," she thought.
The pregnant executive didn't seem to notice Borias' disappearing act as he waddled downstage and launched into a full-throttle, solo verse of It's Raining Men V.
(Tapert's verse)
Xena's all straight you know
I made it so fifth season
I gave her all boy toys…
and rewrote Gabby yet again
I taught every writer
To recast their love
Cause I'm such a TV genius
And these guys have penises
It's Raining Men! ....
The song ended with one last, rousing chorus and a gospel-styled "amen." Tapert threw his hand in the air to give the remaining boy band members a high five. Antony gave the executive an excited slap on the hand, followed by a slap on Tapert's round, plump, executive butt.
Tapert scowled at the Roman. "Antony. I don't swing that way...and neither do you!"
"How do YOU know," flirted Antony.
"Because I created you as one of Xena's boy toys for the fifth season of Xena: Warrior Princess. We needed to prove to the audience that Lucy was still sexy as hell after her pregnancy. So we had Xena roll around naked on the floor like a harlot for your pleasure."
Antony smiled at the memory. "Yeah. That sure was nice. Could you have her do that again?"
The brief conversation between the executive and Antony had not gone unnoticed by Ares who tucked away the information for future use. This red-haired, pregnant he-creature might actually have some power. Maybe he would know where some ambrosia is, mused Ares.
The former God of War noticed Tapert looking at him and smiled. Ares held his hand in the air to give the red-haired executive a high five. As Tapert closed in for the hand slap, the dark stud moved his hand to smooth his hair, leaving the pregnant producer's mitt flailing in the air.
"Psych," laughed Ares, who decided it was time to abandon this group approach to the Battle of the Bands and go solo.
"I'm here to win you back, Xena!" roared Ares, grabbing onto the microphone. "It's you and me, babe. I've proven my love. Look at all I've done for you...
"Like what, dude?" said Antony who was busy shaking his bon-bon to a tune in his head that no one else could hear.
"Like protecting Eve..."
"And boinking Livia," smiled Antony, craning his neck around to look at his ass. "Pretty," said Antony to his glorious butt.
Ares glared at the Roman.
"That's it," Xena growled as she stalked toward the stage. Colleen grabbed Xena's arm, fully aware she was taking her own life into her hands.
"You might want to let them have their say," cautioned the Survivor. "This whole Fifth-usia thing is obviously for Tapert's benefit anyway. Given enough time and rope these guys are gonna hang Tapert with it...metaphorically speaking. And then maybe we can all get out of here."
Colleen looked over at Tapert to see if anything was registering. The pregnant executive looked back at her, eyes glazed over with adoration for his Chosen One.
"Aren't they great?" he sighed dreamily.
Xena halted her charge on the stage. The Survivor had been helpful and kind to her and Gabrielle. She did seem to know what was going on and had been a useful ally. Xena curtly nodded her head in agreement.
"But I smell a rat," she said, narrowing her eyes at Ares.
As if on cue, three more refugee rodents from Soozin's hair tumbled out of the underbrush, dashing in front of an amazed Tapert as they headed for the stage. They scrambed up to a trio of tiny microphones conveniently placed downstage.
"Just when I thought it couldn't get any weirder," whispered Tapert.
Back on-stage, Antony decided it was time to head Ares off at the Makin' Whoppee Pass and made his own move for Xena.
"Dude, she belongs to me," he yelled at Ares. "You used the whole Eve and Twilight of the Gods thing to try and force her into giving you sex."
Ares rolled his eyes, tired of Antony's interruptions.
"Well, come on, what's really important here?" argued the studly former God of War. "All my past actions of betrayal, hate, persecution, attempted murder…oh, let's face it, the evils I've visited upon Xena goes on forever…or is what's most important the fact that I'm built like a Mack truck and sexy as hell despite my jug-like ears?!"
"That you're sexy as hell, of course...and straight," piped up Tapert. "That other stuff doesn't matter. Despite all the times you tried to kill and destroy Xena and Gabrielle…you're really just a sweet, cuddly, bad boy and you just need Xena's love to prove it. And all those evil things you've done...you were just trying to get Xena's attention. You were just showing her how much you really loved her."
"Uh..." Ares began. He stopped and frowned at Tapert's reasoning as a thought for something other than himself clouded his mind for a second. He shook his head and the moment passed.
"Yeah, what he said. Besides, I gave up my godhood for her! That proves how much I love her and that I'm a good guy now," Ares played his trump card.
"Pfft," snorted Antony. "You got Gabrielle and Eve killed and then you saved them in a last-ditch effort to get down Xena's leathers and to save your own ass. Besides, how come you didn't lose your godhood when you brought those farmers back to life? You know, the ones that you killed and then tried to frame Xena for their deaths. 'Until next time, Xena,'" mimicked Antony.
Tapert rolled his eyes. "Do they have to point out every continuity error I've ever made?"
"I don't think they've got enough time for that, even in this long of a fan fiction," replied Colleen.
The Roman soldier turned his attention back to the Warrior Princess.
"Come on, Xena," Antony pleaded. "Remember that night under the stars in Egypt? All that sexy rolling around in the sand? Baby, you know I'm the one who loves you. I'm the one you should be with."
"And what did you get from Xena, huh, Antony?" queried Ares, not to be outdone by rationale. The former member of Mount Olympus began to count off on his fingers. "No Cleopatra. No Egypt. No fleet of ships. No sex…"
"No sex...look who's talking," Antony shot back.
Ares narrowed his eyes and continued. "....Deceived. Oh, and let's not forget…she KILLED you!"
"That's not what happened...." Xena began from off-stage. She stopped and looked to Colleen. "That was what happened. I thought Tapert was the one supposed to be learning the lesson here," she said miserably.
Antony's pretty boy brain suffered a meltdown with the introduction of a second thought. The beautiful Roman's eyes glazed over for a moment while the one train of thought his brain could handle got back on-track. Antony re-focused on Ares.
"Yeah, well, I heard about what she did to you in Amphipolis, tricking you by promising sex. Seems like she treated both of us the same, dude," said Antony, his brown eyes filling up with tears. "She fought us with sex! Whatever happened to old-fashioned weapons like strategy and swords and stuff?"
"Oh, Xena using her brain to defeat enemies was just getting old…and it wasn't sexy," explained Tapert patiently.
"Sex as a weapon...that's my girl," winked Ares to Xena. "But the real heart of the matter is that we all know Xena likes her boys bad."
"Maybe it's what I like...but it's not who I love," snarled Xena.
"I'm a bad boy, too, Xena," pleaded Antony, tears filling his eyes.
Ares walked over to the weeping Roman. "You're nothing but a cry baby," said Ares who planted one foot behind Antony, shoving him to the ground. The Roman's face held a look of complete, surfer boy surprise as his ass hit the stage floor and he blasted into a million bits of glitter.
Ares turned back upstage, brushing pretty-boy glitter off his chest.
"And we all know I'm the baddest boy on the block."
The leather-clad stud swaggered to the mike as another song introduction began. The rats began to jump up and down excitedly as they were the only ones left to sing back-up.
"We get to sing back-up for Ares! It's so...so..." began the first rat.
"Ironic?" asked the second rat.
"Appropriate," said the third as all three rats nodded their heads in agreement.
"I heard that," Tapert yelled at the furry fiends. He glanced around to gauge the other's reactions, who seemed not to notice the rats. "I think."
(to Aretha Franklin's version of Respect)
(words in parentheses are sung by the Rat Trio)
What you want
Baby I don't care
What I want
Is all that matters
What I'm doin'
Is a whole lotta stalkin' wherever you are (Just a whole lot)
Hey Xena (just a whole lot) when you get home
(just a whole lot) Princess (just a whole lot)
Always gonna do you wrong, no matter what
I'll protect your baby (ooh) just gimme your womb (ooh)
All I'm askin' (ooh)
Is for a lotta sex for my troubles (yeah, a lot of sex!)
Xena (just a lot of it) a lotta sex (but we'll call it love)
Yeah (just a lot of sex)
I've? gone and shown you all my obssession
And all I'm askin' in return Xena
Is you give me your sex
Anywhere, babe (just a, just a, just a, just a)
Yeah Xena (just a, just a, just a, just a)
When you go to sleep (he'll invade your dreams)
Yeah (yeah a lot of sex)
Oooo, your sex is (ooh)
Sweeter than honey (ooh)
Or at least
That's what I'm hopin' Xena
That's what I'm hopin' Xena
All I want you to do (ooh) for me
Is give it to me when you get home (sta, sta, sta, sta)
Yeah, Xena (sta, sta, sta, sta)
I'll whip it to you (stalkin', that's what I'm talking)
When you get home, now (but we'll call it love)
S-T-A-L-K-E-R
Find out what it means to you
S-T-A-L-K-E-R
But I'll…call it love!
"Enough!" roared Xena, and the song and Ares came to a screeching halt.
"How could he do that to one of the coolest songs ever?" asked Colleen sadly.
"Awww, he was just getting started," said Tapert. The executive smiled at Colleen. "That was really good."
"Mr. T., did you hear his words?" exclaimed the co-ed.
"Words, shmurds," the executive replied. "Did you see his MOVES? That guy can dance...and he's good-lookin. We'll win for sure now."
"Dude…will you ever get it? I mean, this fan fic won't end until you GET it," the sweet and cuddly Colleen said with not a small amount of exasperation in her voice.
Ares smiled and leapt off the stage, executing one somersault in the air and landing in front of Xena.
"It's not enough, Xena. It's never enough," he said softly. He placed his hands on the Warrior Princess' hips.
"See, look what Xena is letting Ares do," pointed out Tapert to Colleen.
Xena pulled back her mighty warrior fist and crashed it into Ares' face. He doubled over and she brought her knee up hard into his chin. The former God of War flew backwards nearly a hundred feet, landing on his gorgeous, sumptuous, tight as rock…but not tight as a ROC…buns.
"She just kicked his ass," Colleen said.
"Yes, but she kicked his ass with love in her heart," smiled the oblivious Tapert.
Xena looked to where Ares had landed, her blue eyes widening in shock as she had expected him to evaporate like Borias and Antony.
"Yeah," said Ares rubbing his painfully throbbing nose. He shook his head and got up. "I'm the real thing, baby…" he held his arms out. "…now come to Papa."
Xena turned from the former God of War and stalked away.
"OK. Poor choice of words," said Ares as he scurried ahead of the warrior, coming to a stop in front of her. The Warrior Princess halted, glaring.
"Get out of my way," Xena said evenly.
"Come on, Xena. It's you and me. It always has been...You know that I love you," Ares said.
"You and me?" Xena laughed. "Ares, as a villain you were at least interesting. But as a lovesick, former god dogging my every move...you're just pathetic and peurile."
"You sure make this love crap difficult," Ares said angrily.
"Xena said Ares was interesting," Tapert said proudly. Colleen rolled her eyes.
The Warrior Princess stopped to re-assess the situation. Hitting the former God of War wasn't working...though it certainly felt good. A change of strategy was needed. She decided to try and reason with the stalker.
"Don't you see what's been happening, Ares? You…me…Gabrielle…"
The muscle-bound stud snorted derisively at the mention of the irritating blonde. The really hot, spank-me gorgeous, irritating blonde… Ares drifted off in thought for a moment only to find himself dragged back by Xena's angry words.
"…We've all done things and acted in ways lately that just aren't us. Don't you even wonder why you're…" Xena looked around at the stage and Colleen and Tapert in exasperation… "here!? Don't you wonder why after all these years of trying to destroy me that you suddenly decided you were in love with me?"
"Hate is just another word for love," said Tapert airily.
Ares was torn between actually considering Xena's argument and trying to think of a biting, viscious comeback to prove his love when he noticed a shimmering in the air over Xena's shoulder. The shimmering was taking the form of a person. He couldn't make out who it could be but odds were....
The Athenaeum's Scroll Archive