~ The Fifth Amendment ~
Part 4b
by Mezzo and godconnie
Disclaimer: All characters from Xena: Warrior Princess are property of StudiosUSA and probably many other people who aren't us. This is an alternative fan fiction--Gabrielle and Xena are in love with no apologies.
Survivor is property of CBS and Mark Burnett. We have borrowed characters, both fictional and real. (and honestly, are any of the characters from Survivor 'real?' or are they figments of Mark Burnett and his editor's imagination?) from these television shows and, because this is a parody, we may not have always treated them kindly, but we truly wish no one involved any harm. This is a non-profit piece of fiction.
e-mail for Mezzo is vkellyian@compuserve.com. E-mail for godconnie is ariesscorpio@yahoo.com
******
A man who grabbed opportunities when they presented themselves, Ares smiled, reached over and trailed his fingers down Xena's arm. Then using both of his large, studly hands, he took hold of Xena's waist, pulling her close to his hips.
Gabrielle had fully materialized. She didn't even have a moment to ascertain where she was. All she saw was Xena and Ares in what seemed to be an extremely intimate clinch. But from her vantage, she could not see Xena's icy glare directed at Ares.
"Murphy's Law," said Colleen sadly. She looked to the skies accusingly. "I don't think this is very nice, youse guys."
As Xena had been focused upon reasoning with Ares, her Gab Radar was compromised. But now it went off like a clanging dinner bell. The warrior whirled to see the bard staring at her and Ares. The former God of War smirked.
"Ares," growled the bard. She began striding purposefully toward the dark stud, picking up a head of steam and anger as she broke into a run.
Ares' eyes widened in fear…and lust. The bard looked so beautiful coming toward him, all pumping thighs and swaying hips. He knew he should run because, well, he was mortal now and Gabrielle could kick his ass.
"But Gods on Mount Olympus she looks so HOT," thought the former God of War who was frozen on the spot like a refugee from The Man Show caught in the headlights of an oncoming Playboy Bunny.
"Help me," he finally managed to squeak to Xena, who stood beside him.
Xena's eyes were just as wide as the former God of War's and she wasn't sure who was about to get their ass kicked: her, Ares...or both of them at the same time.
"You're on your own," she gulped. And the Warrior Princess took a long, warrior-sized step sideways just as a furious ball of blonde bard barreled into Ares.
Tapert observed Gabrielle's appearance with irritation. He didn't need her presence to mess things up...he was so close to winning. But wow, she sure does look sexy running, mused the executive.
Hmmm, he thought, If we put Renee in an even skimpier outfit and had her running with explosions going off in the background. Yeah, that might work. Now all I need is a plot to go with the visual.
Tapert shook himself from his idea-borrowing reverie as Gabrielle tackled Ares and began to open a can of Grecian whoop-ass on him.
There was a flurry of fists and punches, all delivered by Gabrielle, followed quickly by sounds of pain and grunts...all served up by Ares.
Tapert ran over to Xena.
"You're the hero. Do something! She's damaging what's left of my Chosen One!"
Xena and Tapert heard a particularly loud howl and looked up to see Ares tumbling through the air above them. They watched him fly over their heads in a beautiful arc, landing with a thud in the tall jungle grass.
Xena looked at Ares curiously. "Ah, he's not even bleeding yet..." she said to Tapert. Then she squinted, taking a closer look. "Well, not much."
Ares lay on the ground, groggily shaking his head.
"You know what, Ares," said Gabrielle. "I've tried. I've tried so hard. I've put up with so much from you. And I thought I could rise above it all. But I just can't."
"Couldn't you pretty please try again?" whimpered Ares.
"Don't think so, buddy. You've gotten away with far too much already and it stops now."
The Bard began to close in on the former God of War once again.
"Mommy…I want my mommy," he began to cry.
Tapert swung his large, pregnant stomach--which was not unlike turning the Titanic around to try and miss the iceberg--and began running.
"It's a Battle of the Bands...not Battle of the Fists," yelled Tapert, hastily placing himself between the bard and his fallen vanguard of all that was hallowed and straight.
Gabrielle stopped her charge on Ares, breathing deeply. She didn't want to harm the pregnant executive. Well, part of her did, but it would be the wrong thing to do. And then his words registered.
"Battle of the Bands?" Gabrielle asked Tapert.
"Thank God," Ares croaked, "er, gods, I meant," glad the bard's attention was diverted for a moment. He scrambled up off the ground, scurrying over to stand behind Tapert for protection.
Gabrielle looked around, noticing the unusual color of the sky and trees for the first time. She saw the stage, full of strange contraptions and things that appeared to look like musical instruments.
"Where are we?" she asked no one in particular.
"Fifth-usia," bubbled Colleen.
The co-ed beat the bard to her next question. "It's like Illusia," she added. "Only it's about this past year of your life."
"Twenty-six years," corrected Tapert impatiently. "The fifth season covers 26 years."
"A Battle of the Bands in Fifth-usia," said Gabrielle in astonishment. "What are we battling for?"
"We're battling for Xena," said Tapert. "And so far, the guys are winning."
"The guys?" asked Gabrielle.
"Yeah," Tapert smiled smugly. "Borias, Antony and Ares. You remember Antony, don't you Gabrielle? He's that guy Xena was making out with in the desert when you all were in Egypt."
"What?!" exclaimed Ares who had stepped from behind Colleen. The former God of War smiled wickedly. "Oooh, you're in trouble now, Warrior Princess."
Furious, green eyes turned to Xena.
A huge boulder screamed out of the sky. Tapert looked up and managed to move out of the way just in time as the boulder crashed next to him.
"Ha. Guess the Island Goddesses didn't like me ratting Xena out there," said the executive.
Colleen walked over, glaring at the executive. "That wasn't nice, Mr. T."
"Well, all's fair in sex and rock 'n roll," retorted a giddy Tapert, sure he was near winning the contest.
Gabrielle ignored everyone and everything but Xena.
"Is this true?" she asked.
"I had to. It was part of the plan," explained a distraught Xena who had hoped never to have this particular discussion with her soulmate.
The bard's breath hitched but she grabbed onto her anger to keep the tears at bay.
"Gabrielle," Xena began desperately. "This is all the work of the Island Goddesses..."
She cut the warrior off. "Has everything this past year been the work of the Island Goddesses?"
"Twenty-six years!" howled Tapert. "Why is that so difficult for people to get?"
Xena looked from her upset and furious lover to her smirking stalker to the sputtering Tapert.
"That's it!" the frustrated warrior yelled to the skies. "This battle is OVER!"
"Hey, no fair! You can't make any decision until both bands play!" whined the executive.
Xena turned to give the executive a piece of her mind...or fist, she wasn't sure which. Ares decided to crab at Xena and Tapert launched into a hormonal bitch fest at them all. There was a brief cacophony of noise. The bard took a breath and searched for inner peace. She tried to find patience, love and understanding…but it was like trying to find a song written by Melissa Etheridge without at least four clichés and the words fire and desire in the lyrics.
"Quiet!" roared the bard. Xena and Tapert stopped short, eyes wide. Ares began to shake in fear.
"I don't understand exactly everything that's going on here or why, but I DO have some things I want to say," the bard said, a beautiful, angry blush rising in her cheeks, the tears forgotten.
"Gabrielle, I swear nothing happened…" began the Warrior Princess.
"When, Xena? Just now with Ares or back in Egypt with Antony?"
"Please," Xena tried again.
"Don't!" the bard said with quiet fury. "I've had enough of being understanding. Of being nice. Of being quiet. Of being pushed to the back as if I'm some sort of wimpy, pathetic, good little understanding…"
"Sidekick," interrupted Tapert. "Understanding sidekick. That's your role."
Gabrielle threw him a murderous glance.
"Baby!" he yelped, pulling on his t-shirt and taking an instictive step back.
"Gabrielle, you know that we've been manipulated..."
"Maybe, Xena. But we have free will and we can decide how we act. How am I supposed to feel about all this...about Antony?"
"It's not like I had sex with Antony...or Ares for that matter," exclaimed Xena, looking to somehow salvage the incredible mess she found herself in.
"Don't pull that with me, Warrior Princess," the blonde Amazon dangerously. "How would you like it if I rolled around in the sand with Lin Qi like you did with Antony…even if it was part of a 'plan?'"
Xena closed her eyes at the unwanted visions of the bard in anyone's arms but hers.
"What if you found Najara touching me like I just saw Ares touching you?" the bard pressed.
"That would be kind of sexy," said Ares.
"Shut up!" Xena and Gabrielle yelled at the former God of War.
"Zeush, they're so crabby," muttered Ares.
"Put yourself in my place and answer the question, Xena. I'd like to know," said Gabrielle who was, if possible, becoming even angrier.
"I'd kick his…or her…ass," said Xena quietly.
The Warrior Princess rushed on, desperate. "Gabrielle, we talked about all this and you said everything was all right. I thought this was all behind us."
Tapert leaned over to Colleen. "Blah, blah, blah. This just proves my point that Xena's straight. Lesbians love to 'process' things by talking them to death."
Colleen looked at Tapert, dumbfounded.
"What? Liz Friedman told me so," said an indigant Tapert. "Now, look, Gabrielle's yakkin' a mile a minute and Xena's the one who doesn't want to talk. So who's the true Lesbian here, I ask you."
For the first time in her life, the co-ed seriously entertained a murderous thought.
"I thought it was behind us, too, Xena," continued Gabrielle. "Until I saw you in Ares' arms...yet again. On top of that I get to find out about Antony from someone I barely know," said Gabrielle. "There is a 'we' here, Xena. You and me. Us. You have to decide. It's all of us or nothing. Because I'm at the absolute end of what I can or will take."
Xena had never seen Gabrielle this angry and at the bard's last words, the blood drained from the warrior's face, leaving her ashen and shaken to her core.
Gabrielle turned from Xena and walked away.
Tears formed in Xena's eyes. This can't be happening, she thought numbly.
The bard paused and then shook her head as if fighting with something internally. Then she squared her gorgeous, broad, muscular shoulders and spoke to the skies.
"I want to be in the competition. I want to battle for Xena."
Xena's legs turned to rubber as a wave of relief washed over her and the Warrior Princess was barely able to keep from collapsing to the ground.
"You?!" laughed Tapert. "You can't even sing."
"Gabrielle, you don't have to do this," said Xena. "You know that you're the only…"
"You. Listen," Gabrielle said with quiet rage. The warrior closed her mouth abruptly.
The bard headed toward the stage. Xena and Colleen followed with Tapert scurrying after. Ares threw up his hands in disgust and trudged after the group.
At a hundred yards or so from the stage, Gabrielle began running, launching herself into the air and performing three perfect somersaults. She landed on the stage and turned to face the small audience.
For Gabrielle, long-suppressed feelings of the past years began to surface. She tried to keep them down, but the emotions tightened her chest painfully. The bard had a sudden urge to scream, kick, yell...something. She looked over to Ares, considering kicking him around a little more.
Ares noted the look in Gabrielle's eyes and stepped quickly behind Colleen for protection.
"She wouldn't kick my ass if I were a god," grumbled the dark stud.
"Yeah, she would," snorted Colleen.
"OK, Island Goddesses..." the Amazon's emerald green eyes bore into Xena. The Warrior Princess raised her chin and stared back, heart in her throat. Gabrielle growled, "I need back-up. Your choice."
There was a sudden thunderclap power chord. Everyone but the bard and Xena flinched at the sound. In the distance, two glowing balls sped toward the stage and the blonde warrior.
"Hey, maybe that's Naima and the Archangel Michael," said Tapert.
"Great, a major clash of religious philosophies in the middle of a musical. Just what we need," sighed Colleen.
As the orbs got closer, it became apparent that they were horses with riders, both trailing a stream of bright orange and red fire.
The flying horses landed softly, unaffected and yet engulfed by flames. They stood behind Gabrielle like fiery sentinels, back lighting the Amazon Queen to gorgeous effect but singeing not one hair on her beautiful body. Two women vaulted from the horses and onto the stage. One was a wild-haired blonde with big, pink, pouty lips and the second was a sassy-looking, auburn-haired woman with fierce, iceblue eyes.
Colleen gasped from off-stage. She pointed and began screaming like a 13-year-old white girl at an 'N Sync concert with lots of money to spend.
"It's Courtney Love from Hole and Shirley Manson from Garbage!" the co-ed screamed. She fell to her knees, bowing and chanting, "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!"
The Survivor tugged on Tapert's t-shirt. "Bow, infidel, bow!"
"Oh, please, like they can do better than Ares," snorted Tapert who wasn't about to bow. "Look who they've got singing for them!"
"Goddess," said Love reverently to Gabrielle. "We heard you needed back-up," she eyed the small crowd of onlookers angrily.
"I think that blonde chick wants to kick my ass," a frightened Ares gulped.
"Which blonde?" asked Colleen innocently, who wasn't yet sure if she could stand in the presence of the High Priestesses of Rock-n-Roll.
"Not just your ass," growled Love with a pointed look at Xena and Tapert.
The executive thrust his stomach out, hoping being pregnant would once again save him.
The Warrior Princess took no notice of the rockers. The only thing in her world right now was one pissed off, feral, blonde Amazon Queen.
Love and Manson strode over to the Marshall stacks, unrolling the electrical power cords and stabbing them into their guitars.
"Goddess, if I may," began Manson.
Gabrielle took her attention off Xena for a moment, stopping Manson.
"That's the second time you two have said that. I'm not a Goddess. I'm just Gabrielle."
"You're Gabrielle, Bard of Potedaia. Your poems and scrolls have influenced the greatest song writers and lyricists over the millennia: Van Hildeberg, Goethe, Mozart, Wolf, Gershwin, Dylan, McLachlan and many, many more. You are a true goddess of lyrics. And we're here as your Bad Ass Bard Back-Up Band," explained Manson.
Gabrielle blushed…beautifully of course.
"Godde…er…Gabrielle," smiled Manson. "Let us know when you're ready."
Gabrielle approached the mike.
"Let's do it," the bard rumbled.
Tapert's eyes widened as an idea hit his brain. He looked over at Colleen and laughed with delirious, evil gusto. "Renee can't sing! Winner's Circle and L.A.…here I come."
Manson and Love launched into a fast-driven chord pattern. The ferocity of the sound reached the place in Gabrielle where her pain and anger lay waiting for release. The emotions came in a rush. She began to nod to the beat the rockers had set forth and let it take over her entire body. Gabrielle grabbed the microphone and began to sing with all her heart, her love, her soul, her passion.
Take All of Us
(Violet by Hole)
And we slept as one under the stars
And all the heavens shone for you and I
You know that we are one
(and here Gabrielle stared at Ares) And you know that "no" means "no."
(the Bard returned her attention to Xena) He won't last a day
You and I forever
He won't last 10 minutes ("Hey!" yelled an indignant Ares from off-stage.)
We are forever
Always here, loving you
No one else, you alone
You are all that I want
We are each other's heart and soul
Go on take all of us, take all of us
I want you to
Go on take all of us, Take all of us
You want it too
I don't know where your head's at
Lately you confuse me, confuse you
But I'm the one who knows your soul
Ours above and ours below
They won't last a day
We are forever
...(Xena was aware that some of the words were now repeating, but Gabrielle's passion continued unabated...unsated. Xena could barely breathe as Gabrielle poured everything out in song. The Warrior Princess slowly became aware of the words once again.)
You told me from the start
Just how this would end
But I'll get what I want
and that's our love again
Go on take all of us, Take all of us
I dare you to
Go on take all of us, Take all of us
The song ended with Love and Manson's ringing guitars and the bard's last notes raging through the small crowd of onlookers.
"Wow. That was some incredible singing," roared Ares, his index finger and pinky waving in the air, head bobbing as he momentarily forgot his painful run-in with the blonde warrior.
Tapert gulped. "How? She! But...but, Renee can't sing."
"T-Dude, that's not Renee O'Connor, that's Gabrielle," said Colleen who held up a lighter in each hand, flicking them on and screaming at the stage. "Awesome, Gabrielle! You rock ass!!"
Manson launched into a slow, haunting guitar groove. Love snarled happily and joined in. Gabrielle vaulted off the stage and walked over to Xena. She took the warrior by her curvy hips. The Warrior Princess gave herself completely over to the blonde's hands as they began to move to the Bad Ass Bards' sultry rhythm. The Amazon began singing to Xena.
Crush
(#1 Crush by Garbage]
I would die for you
I have died for you
Lately, dying just to feel you by my side
To know that you're mine
(Gabrielle gently swung her hips into Xena's, challenging her and reminding her of how perfectly they fit together. There were few things in the world that could bring the warrior to her knees, but this was definitely one of them. The bard communicated her love for Xena with her body and with her words as she continued to sing softly and urgently.)
I will cry for you
I have cried for you
I will wash away your pain with all my tears
And drown your guilt
I have prayed for you
You have prayed for me
I have given my soul for something pure and true
Something like us
See your face every place that I walk in
Hear your voice every time that I am talking
You do believe in me
And I will never be ignored
I have burned for you
Felt pain for you
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart
And tear it apart
I will lie for you
Beg and steal for you
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see
You're just like me
Violate all the love that I'm missing
Throw away all the pain that I'm living
You will believe in me
And I can never be ignored
I have died for you
I have killed for you
I suffer for you
I've done time for you
I will wait for you
I'd make room for you
I'd sail ships for you
To be close to you
To be part of you
'Cause I believe in you
I believe in you
I would die for you
The song ended quietly, Manson and Love holding and adding vibrato to the last, shimmering note.
"Did you hear me?" said Gabrielle to Xena as the song ended and their danced stopped.
"Yes," whispered Xena.
The scene froze and godconnie and Mezzo stepped out from behind a small hill.
"Whewsh," said Mezzo, pulling out a cigarette and lighting up. She offered a cigarette and light to godconnie and they both puffed away.
"Do either of us smoke?" asked godconnie nonchalantly.
"We do after that dance," said Mezzo. The fan fic goddess puffed some more and wiped the sweat off their collectively beautiful brows.
"Not helping," Mezzo remarked.
godconnie rolled her eyes, pulled out her notebook and began writing. First, and most importantly (as godconnie is a choc-o-holic), her smoking, ashy cigarette turned into a chocolate one. She munched happily and lustily as she scribbled more. A large pond appeared.
Mezzo looked at gc questioning. "Ice cold," smiled godconnie.
"Thanks! That ought to do the trick." Mezzo hopped up and dove headfirst into the pond, disappearing under the water. The surface of the pond immediately began boiling and steam rolled off the water in misty waves.
godconnie serenely nibbled on her chocolate and waited. But there was no sign of Mezzo. After a few minutes and still no sign of the green-eyed beauty, godconnie began to worry. Suddenly, Mezzo surfaced.
"Still not working," she gasped, out of breath as steam continued to billow from the pond.
godconnie rolled her eyes and began scribbling again. Ares' shirt ripped open, flying off to expose his large, manly he-breasts.
Mezzo screamed in high, holy terror.
"That was HARSH!" she squealed at godconnie.
"Did it work?" gc raised an eyebrow in question.
"Like all of the North Pole at once," replied Mezzo.
"Well, back to it, then," said godconnie.
"You know, we've tried just about everything and we're not getting through to Tapert," Mezzo said to to her comrade. "Torture, hormones, bad dreams…."
"Yeah. I think there's only one thing left we can do," started godconnie
"Show him who the daddy is," finished Mezzo.
The fan fic goddesses began walking toward a nearby hill that was a few yards past where Tapert and Ares were standing in a frozen, eyes wide open, tableau.
"I don't know why you dislike his manly boobies so," said godconnie. "I think his titties are nice."
The Island Goddesses brushed past the two men. gc reached over and gave Ares' studly butt a playful, yet deliciously lingering, squeeze.
"Yeah, if you like mushy, veiny, hairy, he-man titties, I guess so," mused Mezzo, raising an eyebrow at seeing her fellow goddess cop a feel. "But he does have fabulous arms. You know, the kind that could just wrap around you and…"
The fan fic goddesses disappeared behind the hill and the scene resumed.
Love and Manson glanced about, confused for a moment. "Did something just happen and we missed it?" asked Manson. Love shrugged. The rock-n-roll high priestesses noticed Xena and Gabrielle were still standing, staring into each other's eyes. Love and Manson smiled at each other.
"Our work here is done," said Love. "Now I gotta get back and kick some record-executive ass."
And with that, the two women climbed onto their horses and rode off into the sky.
Hmmm, thought Tapert looking after them. Flying horses. I should use that sometime.
Ares, meanwhile, stood perfectly still, his eyes popping and mouth agape at the dance Xena and Gabrielle had just shared.
"That was...hot," squawked the dark stud.
"That was love," sighed Colleen, staring at the bard and the Warrior Princess.
"Love? Are you nuts…they're not in love, they're just friends!" yelled a thoroughly exasperated, eternally clueless Tapert.
But the pregnant executive had to admit that the dance was hot and he tucked it away for future use. But I'll have to change the scene a little, he thought. That way people won't know I, um, borrowed it.
"How come she didn't react that way to my song?" queried Ares, truly perplexed by the Warrior Princess' actions.
"Face it, Ares," said the doe-eyed co-ed. "When it comes to real, true, drop you to your knees love...you're just half of Milli Vanilli in a Courtney Love world."
"I'm not following you," said Ares. "And I think I've just been insulted."
The former God of War felt a breeze. He looked down. "OK. Where's my shirt?" And then a strange, happy grin crossed the handsome mortal's face. "And why does my butt-cheek feel so warm and tingly?"
Colleen giggled. "The Island Goddesses have been here," she said, eyeing Ares with not a small amount of adorable lust.
"That's a good look on you, Ares," said Tapert finally noticing the dark stud's naked chest. "I should have you run around shirtless next season as much as possible."
All of this passed unnoticed by Xena and Gabrielle, still standing close and enjoying the afterglow of their recent sultry groove.
"Gabrielle, you were so angry…" began Xena.
"I was. And then I remembered something Aphrodite said about what's going on here," said the bard softly.
"What's that?" asked Xena.
"To remember what's most important to me..."
"It's still me?" the warrior whispered, her voice wavering with equal parts hope and fear.
"Always," the bard smiled into Xena's relief-filled eyes. She raised her mouth up for a kiss.
The executive launched himself at the steamy dynamic duo.
"You know what would be really hot?" said Tapert as he squeezed his pregnant belly in between Xena and Gabrielle, thwarting their kiss. The two stepped back from each other, giving Tapert and his enormously pregnant stomach room. "If we stuck a guy in the middle of this dance. Then you get the hotness of two women dancing, but people will still think they're straight. Damn, I'm good," said the red-haired executive.
Tapert looked around at the group expectantly. "So, who won?" he asked Xena excitedly. "Me, right? Yeah. I thought so."
Xena smiled at the bard. "Gabrielle's the winner, Tapert. Always has been. Always will be."
"What?!" screeched Tapert. "Of all the...Why I oughtta," he sputtered. The redhead shuffled around in a circle in frustration, trying to decide what to do when he suddenly ran back to the stage. The pregnant executive attempted to climb up the front of the stage, but after three failed attempts he ran to the side and climbed the steps. From his semi-lofty height, Tapert grabbed the mike and promptly launched into a rant about the unfairness of it all.
Colleen sighed and rolled her eyes. "Will this ever end?" she said quietly.
Gabrielle chuckled. "I guess we ought to let him have his say."
"Do we have a choice?" snorted Xena as Tapert continued his rant.
After a few attentive moments, even Gabrielle was unable to focus on the executive's monotonous ranting. The bard was half listening when she caught a strange glowing out of the corner of her eye. She flicked her eyes over, turning her head slightly and saw a light shining from deep in the jungle. She looked over to Xena, catching her attention. The bard cut her eyes in the direction of the light. The warrior raised a beautiful, dark eyebrow in response. Gabrielle again cut her eyes to the side, ever so slightly nodding her head in the direction of the light, covering the movement by pretending to absently rub her chin. The bard then glanced surreptitiously around at her companions. Everyone had a glazed look in their eyes, even Colleen. Gabrielle quietly set off into the undergrowth to investigate the strange glowing.
And Tapert ranted on. He was now up to accusing the Island Goddesses of setting him up.
"Duh," said Colleen, who managed to tune in for a moment before checking out once again as the deluded TV mogul launched into touting the brilliance of the Fifth Season.
Xena broke into a huge, wide, happy grin at Gabrielle's eye-footsie. She glanced quickly about, squelching her smile as she didn't want to attract attention. The warrior waited a few moments after Gabrielle disappeared into the undergrowth and quietly melted away from Tapert's hostages. A few yards away from the stage, she broke into another enormous, ear-to-ear grin.
Oh, yeah, Warrior Princess is about to get lucky, she thought happily.
She and the bard had been unable to spend any quality time alone without interruption since they got to the island save for their brief stay on the boat… and Xena had gotten the distinct impression someone had been watching them. The warrior was getting testy due to their lack of mutual affection. Xena began unhooking her armor, thinking of the bard's many luscious curves.
Colleen was musing on her place in the Survivor competition and paying no attention whatsoever to Tapert when out of the corner of her eye, she noticed the Warrior Princess slip away. Colleen looked over to see Ares' eyes glazed over. The co-ed decided to take advantage of his distraction and headed into the undergrowth after the Warrior Princess.
Xena, breastplate hanging in her hand and a happy, goofy grin plastered on her face, quietly traveled the jungle where she quickly came upon Gabrielle in a small clearing.
"Xena, what's going on?" whispered Gabrielle, eyeing the unusually happy warrior and her lack of armor.
"Make-up sex, right?" said Xena, blue eyes twinkling.
Gabrielle chuckled and shook her head.
"I'm not going to get lucky," whimpered Xena.
"Baby, you got lucky the first day you met me," teased the bard. She became serious at the warrior's unhappy face. "And I got lucky the first day I met you."
Xena and Gabrielle heard movement in the bushes. They turned to see Colleen part the undergrowth and step through.
"What's going on, guys?" asked the co-ed.
Xena dejectedly put her armor back on. "Nothing, apparently," she sighed.
"I saw something over here. A light. I thought we should check it out," said Gabrielle, smiling at her dark warrior.
The Warrior Princess noticed the light for the first time. Strangely enough, it seemed to be coming from mid-air between a tree and a bush.
"What is it?" murmured Xena.
Colleen took the index finger on each of her hands and thrust them up over her own ears, making them look pointed. She furrowed her brow and proclaimed, "It looks like a tear in the space-time fan fiction continuum, Captain."
Xena and Gabrielle glanced at each other, then back at Colleen. The co-ed smiled.
"Ooops, wrong cult TV show. What I meant is...it looks like it might be a way out."
The threesome walked over to the rip. It was glowing around its edges and seemed to be oozing lavender light. They approached cautiously and peered in. Through the rip, Xena and Gabrielle saw the green lands of their homeland, Greece. It was twilight and Argo II was standing near a tree hunting for apples. Dozens of apple cores littered the ground at the mare's hooves.
"Gabrielle, that's where we left Argo right before we ended up here," said Xena quietly. "There's our gear and food."
"Let's break this situation down a bit," mused Gabrielle. "The Island Goddesses, who may or may not be goddesses..."
"Oh, trust me, they're goddesses," smiled Colleen. "Roooowwwwrrrrr," she winked and wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.
Gabrielle and Xena exchanged amused glances as the bard continued.
"So. The goddesses bring Xena and me here...plus Tapert...and Aphrodite as well."
"And Joxer's still out there somewhere," added Colleen.
Xena and Gabrielle looked at Colleen blankly. Crickets chirped. A slight wind rustled the tall, jungle grass. A lion roared lazily in the distance. The cicadas began twittering loudly from the trees.
"Oh. Oh, yeah, Joxer," the bard said finally. She continued. "Then they create a dreamworld within the island that they not only bring us to, but they also bring Ares, Antony and Borias," the bard stopped and gasped, turning to Xena. "They must be real goddesses. They have control over other gods and goddesses and are even able to bring dead people back to life!"
"It's a fan fiction," shrugged Colleen. "They can make anything happen just by writing it."
Gabrielle turned to the co-ed. "We're real, Colleen. Xena and I are not fiction," she said passionately. The Amazon closed her eyes and shook her head. "Whatever's going on, the bottom line is they have to be expending enormous power to accomplish all of this. And maybe the rip has appeared because they've taxed their power."
"You mean it's falling apart at the seams?" said Xena, getting to the condensed version of the bottom line.
"Could be," whispered Gabrielle. "And with their attention on Fifth-usia and Tapert, this may be our chance to go home."
"We need to be careful," cautioned Xena. "It looks like home, but we don't know what will happen if we actually step through."
Gabrielle nodded in agreement.
Back at the stage, Tapert's rant trailed off as he noticed he had only one member left in the audience.
"Did anyone hear what I was saying?" yelled the frustrated executive.
"What? Huh? Um, no, I've been thinking," said Ares distractedly.
"Please don't. You're not supposed to think...you're just supposed to stand around and look pretty," said an irritated Tapert. "Now where're Xena and Gabrielle...and Colleen?"
"What's been going on this past year?" asked Ares rhetorically, ignoring Tapert's remark. "I mean, Xena and I had a complex, dark, deep relationship in the early days. It was about power over one soul...my dark temptation against her struggle for good. The fate of individuals and even the world often rested upon that relationship. And then all of a sudden it was about sex," frowned Ares. "I mean, I've claimed to love Xena, but all I've done is bring her…and myself…misery and pain. And for what, a chance at an orgasm or two?"
"Umm…duh," replied Tapert. "No doubt the Island Goddesses are putting these thoughts in that pretty head of yours...or Steven Sears," the executive glanced around. "Did you see a bear or a hummingbird around here?"
"I mean, let's face it," continued Ares. "I may want to boink Xena, sure. I want her to lead my armies…rule the world and all that. But I don't want any kind of ball and chain," and here the dark stud mimicked a female voice... "'Why can't you be goooood and help people?'" he dropped his voice to its normal register. "For Elysian Fields' sakes, I'm Ares, God of War!"
He began to feel a strange, tingly sensation in his hands. Ares looked down and, for a second, thought he saw a crackling of blue on his hands.
"You were Ares, God of War…now you're just Ares, mortal stud," said Tapert. "See, I took your powers away because I wanted to prove that you loved Xena…and I thought it would be dramatically interesting."
Ares' mouth stood wide open in utter shock.
Could this red-haired creature be telling the truth? thought Ares. Earlier he claimed he made Antony. The Island Goddesses created this entire Fifth-usia world for the pregnant man's benefit. He must be a being, maybe even a deity, of enormous power and importance. What if Tapert has some kind of control over my world, my life? What if it wasn't Eve who brought about the destruction of the Greek gods, but this 'executive producer?'
The dark stud turned his attention back to Tapert.
"So. You had something to do with my god-lessness?" he said out loud, his anger beginning to rise.
"I created you. I rule you," replied Tapert, oblivious to Ares' increasing agitation.
"Rule me, do you?" said a disbelieving Ares. "No one rules Ares."
"Oh, please, you've been ruled by your penis since Xena got pregnant with Eve. Your character does what I tell it to because I'm..." and here Tapert paused, put his hands on his hips, and threw back his shoulders as his hair blew proudly in the wind. "...the executive producer of Xena: Warrior Princess."
Ares ignored the producer's insult. He was curious about how worshipful Tapert's voice became when he said the words 'executive producer.'
"Is an executive producer more powerful than a god?" asked Ares.
"Yes. Yes it is," Tapert searched for a way to express his role with Xena: Warrior Princess in terms that Ares could understand. He hit upon an idea, shortly to become the making of his doom.
"Everything that happens to Xena and her world, including what happens to the Greek, Hindu, Roman Gods and the God of Light…even Dahok…happens because I make it so. That twilight of the gods thing? Me. The rise of the God of Light and Eve's birth? Me again. Dahok's attempt to take over the world? Yup. Me. I'm the power that be," Tapert said.
Ares had a sudden, Greek god version of an epiphany. And he was not happy. So THIS was why life had become such a living Tartarus! This executive producer creature had been manipulating him. Why he, Ares, had gone from a god of war to a lovesick stalker…to a mere mortal.
Ares felt an intense heat in his hands. He looked down to see blue, crackling fire surrounding his fingers and swirling over his palms. A look of amazement...and hope...crossed his handsome face. Ares pointed his finger at one of the guitars on stage near Tapert. A blue bolt of flame cracked in the air. The guitar exploded.
Tapert gulped.
Ares smiled.
"I'll show you mine if you show me yours," Ares said, his voice low and dangerous.
"My what?" gasped Tapert.
"Power. What did you think I was gonna show you? Now, show me how much power you have. Let's duke it out, mano oh mano, I dare you," said the confident dark stud.
****
Back at the space-time fan fiction continuum rip, Argo II noticed Xena. The mare trotted to the glowing hole and peered in at her owner. She spied Gabrielle and whinnied indignantly.
Gabrielle sighed. "Argo II hates me almost as much as Argo I did."
"No, she doesn't, Gabrielle," Xena assured the bard. The Warrior Princess turned to the mare and smiled. "Hey, girl, I've missed you."
Suddenly there was a large cracking sound and what seemed like a small explosion. Xena, Gabrielle and Colleen all whirled in the direction of the stage. As their backs were turned, an impatient Argo II stepped through the rip in Fifth-usia. She came up behind the Warrior Princess, nudging her hip and looking for treats.
The women's attention was distracted from the stage by the sight of Argo on their side of the rip. Xena gasped, quickly checking the blonde mare over.
"She's fine," whispered Xena, chuckling and patting Argo. She looked to the bard excitedly. "This is definitely the way home, Gabrielle. We just have to step through."
Argo trotted over to Colleen and began nudging the co-ed.
"Tart," muttered Gabrielle to Argo. The mare looked back over her shoulder and snorted at the blonde.
Colleen giggled, patting Argo's broad forehead.
Back at the Battle of the Bands stage, Tapert and Ares continued their war of words.
"You better be nice to me or I'll...." began Tapert in a desperate attempt to regain control of the situation.
"You'll what?" purred Ares, the blue energy crackling through his hands.
"Or I'll...leave you mortal for another half a season...yeah, that's what I'll do!"
Ares flung his hand out, shooting a blue flame at the pregnant executive producer. It missed Tapert by an inch. The executive began to scream...loudly.
Meanwhile, Xena was giving the rip another look-over. She carefully extended her hand past the rip.
"Xena, be careful!" cautioned Gabrielle.
She pulled her hand back. "Look, everything's fine," Xena assured a relieved bard. "Gabrielle, we should get going," she said.
"Let's do it," smiled Gabrielle.
The Warrior Princess paused, a frown on her face.
"But what if it's just another world ruled by the Island Goddesses," she asked.
"It can't be any worse than being trapped here with Tapert and Ares," the bard noted. "Besides, we can come right back through if there's a problem."
It was Xena's turn to nod in agreement.
The bard and the warrior turned to Colleen to say their good-byes when another louder explosion startled the three women. This explosion was accompanied by a burst of blue light and a loud, piercing scream.
"Not now," groaned Xena.
Gabrielle sighed and gave the warrior a lop-sided, bittersweet grin.
"Someone's in trouble. Probably Tapert. We've got to help," the bard said. "The greater good and all. This rip will be here for awhile…I hope."
Xena clenched her jaw in agitation. She turned, patting Argo and pushing the mare back toward the opening. She shrugged to Gabrielle. "Just in case. No sense that she has to be trapped here with us."
Xena spoke to Argo. "Go on home, girl. We'll be there soon, I promise," she said softly.
Argo whinnied, but stepped through the rip and wandered back to the tree, hunting for apples.
Xena turned to Gabrielle. "You know, you should…" began the warrior.
"Don't you dare even think about trying to send me back without you," growled the bard.
"OK, OK," said Xena.
The warrior took one last glance at their way home and then turned to Gabrielle and Colleen. "Let's go."
They headed toward the stage area when the threesome heard a strange gurgling. They looked over their shoulders to see the time space rip close.
"Looks like the Island Goddesses figured out what we were up to," smiled Xena wryly.
Another blue flash of light exploded, followed by another scream. The dynamic duo and the brunette Survivor took off running for the stage. Crashing through the underbrush, Xena called out to Gabrielle.
"You know, this greater good stuff is a pain. Next time we need to choose between the greater good and us...let's choose us," the warrior smiled.
Back at the stage, Ares had just finished throwing a particularly spectacular blue bolt of energy just for the Tartarus of it...because boys, even god-boys, love to play with their toys.
"I'm back!" he roared, flexing his fabulous biceps and howling to the skies. He looked at Tapert. "And you're toast, you pathetic excuse for a god."
"I'm pregnant!" squealed Tapert, once again pointing to his stomach. But he knew that the ass-kicking he had managed to avoid so far had finally arrived.
"And I'm a villainous god…like you, apparently. So what do I care?" grinned Ares who threw a flame of blue at Tapert. "Let's see who's the real 'power that be.'"
The red-haired executive turned and ran for his life.
"Come on, you big baby, show me what you got!"
"I'm a producer, not a fighter," yelled Tapert over his shoulder as he desperately tried to avoid the God of War's energy bolts.
"And another thing 'executive producer,'" continued Ares. "…no one…" -ZAP- "...but NO ONE…" -ZAP- "...messes with Ares, God of War!"
The executive was zig zagging across the meadow, leaping like a pregnant gazelle.
"Where's my hero when I need her?" he cried desperately. Tapert looked ahead and began running for the safest place he could think of: the jungle undergrowth.
Gabrielle, Xena and Colleen arrived at the stage to see Ares' display of pyrotechnics. The warrior and the bard exchanged worried glances. Gabrielle turned to Colleen.
"Stay here and out of sight," she ordered the co-ed. Colleen nodded, eyes wide, and stepped behind some bushes.
Ares pulled his arm back, muscles bulging as a large, blue ball of energy appeared on his hand. Xena somersaulted into the air, while Gabrielle ran at gorgeous, full Amazon sprint into the melee.
Ares unleashed his fireball. Gabrielle's eyes widened, glancing at Tapert. It was headed directly for the fleeing executive's butt.
In one fluid movement, Gabrielle unsheathed her sais and launched herself into the air flinging a sai toward the streaking ball of energy. The bolt crashed off the blonde's deadly weapon, ricocheted and slammed into a tree, disintegrating it into a pile of ash.
"Sonofabacchae," grunted the Amazon, climbing off the ground and retrieving her sai from the ash. "Why isn't his aim as bad as the other Olympian gods?"
Ares growled at the bard's interference and flung another long, blue lightening bolt of energy at Tapert. Xena swung her sword like a baseball bat, returning the bolt to Ares. His eyes widened and he hit the ground, ducking the flame as it screamed over his head and hit the stage, destroying the entire structure.
Xena and Gabrielle's quick reflexes gave the pregnant executive some valuable time and he disappeared, screaming at the top of his lungs, into the jungle undergrowth.
Xena grinned at the bard. "Goddess, she's hot when she's all action," the Warrior Princess thought not for the first nor last time.
Gabrielle smiled back, raising a knowing, lascivious, eyebrow.
Xena blushed.
Ares rolled his eyes.
"Enough with the sexual innuendo," he said disgustedly.
"What? You just now got it?" snorted the blonde.
Ares glared at Gabrielle and began to stride toward the spot where Tapert had disappeared into the jungle.
The dynamic duo stepped toward each other, blocking Ares from the red-haired executive's path of escape. Xena drew her sword as the blonde warrior twirled her sais, both ready to do battle with their old nemesis.
"Leave Tapert alone," growled Gabrielle.
"Or what, you'll kick my ass some more," retorted Ares. He held a sculpted hand out, summoning a large ball of energy. "Bring it on!"
"It's buh-rough-ten," yelled Colleen, stepping out from behind the safety of the bushes.
Ares, Xena and Gabrielle stopped and stared at the Survivor.
"Oh, you'd have to see the movie to get that one," smiled the co-ed. "Or at least the commercial."
"Hey. She really is cute," said Ares to no one in particular, grinning at Colleen.
The God of War turned his attention back to Xena and Gabrielle. He cocked his head and smiled.
"You know what? I'm just feeling real good right now," he flung both arms out as two blue balls of energy began swirling. Xena and Gabrielle stepped into battle stance, unsure of what the dark stud planned.
Ares raised his hands over his head, twirling the balls on his index fingers.
"Tapert made my life a living Tartarus, but you know what? I think it's only 'cuz I let him. Free will and all," said an unusually philosophical Ares. "Tapert's not 'all that and a bag of potatoes' or he would have stopped me. So, obviously, he's not a god. He worked some kind of mojo on me, I'll grant you that. But he's not worth the time and effort it would take to catch and kill him."
Xena and Gabrielle looked at the spinning balls.
"Does this mean you're a god again?" said a curious Xena.
"Looks like," grinned Ares. He shook his hands out, causing the balls of energy to disappear and leered at the Warrior Princess. "Why? Does it turn you on?"
Gabrielle growled. Ares, despite his returned godhood, had a momentary attack of mortal terror.
"Nothing about you turns me on, Ares," said Xena.
An idea occurred to the warrior. She hated what she was thinking, but she was desperate. Maybe the God of War could create another rip in Fifth-usia.
"Ares, you've got your powers back. You could help us get home."
Ares threw back his head and laughed. "Oh, I'm not feeling that good. Besides, you'll find a way out. You always do."
The God of War winked. "See ya."
Ares drew himself up to his full six-plus feet and concentrated his powers, attempting to dematerialize. Nothing happened. He looked around, a little shocked and embarrassed.
"Having a little god-impotency there, dude?" smiled Colleen.
"Never," he said confidently to the co-ed, his plump, gorgeous lips wrapping around the word suggestively.
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